HELPLESS

june 7

Take a moment to think about being socially excluded from an event. Imagine what this event might be like as vividly as you can. Then, in the space provided, please describe the emotions that the thought of being purposefully excluded/left out of an important social/group event creates for you.

Please write a paragraph using clear detail.

Please note that the continue button will not appear for 1 minute. Please use this time to think deeply about the question and write in clear detail.

I used to have a good friend I held in very high regard. We were already having problems and both of us were afraid to talk about them. She was a female friend and I started getting special feelings for her. I really wanted to talk about the situation and try have open communication about it. She did not want to do this. There was a big concert that we both wanted to go to. I really wanted to go with her. In the past there would have been no question that we would have gone together. Now she was avoiding me. I wanted to go to the concert, but I also wanted to go with her. She asked me if I was going and I hadn’t made up my mind yet. I wanted to work things out with her first. Then I decided to go anyway. I asked her if she wanted to go with me or if I could go with her. She was very uncommittal and undecided and could not give a straight answer. I just went by myself and she went by herself and did not answer when I called her. Obviously she did not want to see me but I wish she had been more clear about this. We used to hang out in the past and do things like this together. I saw her at the event and she was cold and distant to me the whole time. That was the last time I ever spoke to her and she avoided every attempt at communication I made afterward. I was devastated and heartbroken but I tried not to bother her too much when it was clear she didn’t want to talk to me. I just wish she had made some effort to communicate. I didnt expect her to return my feelings, but I did sort of expect that she would be willing to simply communicate when there was a long-term friendship at stake. I was disappointed and heartbroken and blamed myself severely and felt terrible for a long time. This loss was a very big deal in my life because she was a good friend and I felt she could have handled this a lot better. I could have handled it better yes, but she could have said something or tried to reject me with just a little bit of kindness.

i talk about this shit when making my 10 cents for a HIT hahahahaha.

ok got muh 4 job apps in today. nothing good. hospital shit. actually got a call from a hospital HR recruiter type about a vision doctors office clerk job. they were giving me some kind of screening interview.  it was like a mini interview where i bullshitted bullshit answers to her bullshit questions. the gurl sounded about 20 years old, dumb and hawt and slutty hahahahaha. i guess if i didnt sound too autistic then she might recommend to the manager that the manager call me for an interview. I sounded sorta autistic. but not like a 80 IQ idiot! but i guess its better to sound like normie idiot than a smart autist.

hehehe one day i will go in for an interview and I will be interviewing with That Woman, becuase she has rose to the position of manager. I would just say welp, I didn’t appreciate when you threw me away like a piece of garbage. I think I deserve an apology. How about you do that now. Better yet, write me a 10 page apology and email it to me. Can I bang you? got any kids yet? married? happily? wanna cheat on your husbando? Is he white? how many guys you been with since I last saw you in 2015? 20? 30? 50? anyway hire me for this job and I can bang you hard in the storage room every day like a real man. I aint no pvssy sensitive boi no more. I will pump you and dump you so hard ya gutter trash. so do you still write your and talk like white trash? still a MJ smoking retard with the people skills of a 3 year old? how many guys did you have to be an 4n4l whore to to get this supervisor position? can i bang you up the ass then? make a video of it too? wanna get fisted up the ass?  how many guys you let bang you up the ass within 1 hour of meeting them for the first time? 50? 100? wow. you really used to be a really nice marriageable woman who would have been a good mother to my children. but now youre just a ingra fooking piece of disgusting white trash. good for nothing more than an easy as hell assfook, ya filthy buttslut.  say how many abortions ya had? how many of your children have you murdered so you could bend over for more inger dick?

is how the job interview would go, where I were the candidate and she were the hiring manager hahahaha.

thinking about throwing out my cover letter and writing a brand new super edgy one. maybe its the cover letter thats holding me back. maybe its my autistic nature. maybe its because I Reek Vibes of Creepiness, Weirdness, and Desperation hahahaha. Dripping With Weirdness. maybe my suit coat is too ugly. maybe my shoes are not shiny enough. (my shoes are ok I think, I dont think the shoes are the problem.)

maybe i have terrible body odor. but i take a shower before going to the interview.

maybe the clothes stink like smoke because i usually smoke 1 cigarette 20 minutes before the interview.

but I take off the suit coat when i do that, and spray myself down with febreze and chew gum. and spit the gum out before the interview.

maybe people dont like omega virgin men hahahaha.

i am kinda disappointed that this stupid business with the job kinda impacted the new Friendship that was growing between me and my male friend from the job. He was a really nice guy and we had a really good connection. but I was hesistant to contact him because he still worked in that hellhole, with THAT WOMAN, saw that woman every day, and whenever he had get togethers, there would be a ton of other people from that job. decent people but still. that job. i just hope he didnt become friends with that woman hahahaha.

juen 8

well got 3 apps in so far today, one thing for a “furnace operator” in some factory, one state govt job, and another county govt job hahaha.

had a dream where i was essentially working as a hostess in a restaurant hahahaha and i felt HELPLESS, like i didnt know what I was doing, even though I didnt have a lot to do and there was barely anybody coming in.

one person came in who knew the guy working in the restaurant as a server, who was a friend of mine and had gotten me the job. the customer had a gift for me to give him and also wanted to talk to him. I went in back nervously, and to my horror, the restaurant was PACKED, and my friend was running around, running ragged, trying to handle everybody. I gave him the gift, told him his grandma or whatever was out there and wanted to talk to him. it was obvious he did not have time to talk to anybody. it was obvious that I should be pulled out from up front so that I could help serving….a thought which filled me with utter dread, since I knew nothing, i felt even MORE HELPLESS.

the song is very chill and peaceful and beautiful….but i am talking more about a dreadful, anxious, fearful version of helplessness, like you have been thrown into the deep end and have no idea what youre doing and have 50000000 angry customers to serve and a neverending queue of phone calls to answer and you wonder why the hell did they HIRE you for this job. oh yeah. because they’d hire ANYONE.

when you are truly helpless you are not having a great time snorting coke and playing for 100000 loving fans like these degenerates hahaha. it is more like i luv lucy with the conveyor belt of pies and shit stacking up. or a  tetris puzzle once things start to slip away and the blocks start to pile up. online this is your job for 8 hours a day, and there is more pressure, and shit is way harder than rotating stupid blocks. and explaining to franic people why why why why when you dont really know why why why why.

you do want to know why why why just so you can explain to these people who kinda do deserve an explanation…..but why is the hardest, most expensive question, which your higher ups are very loath to answer because its so EXPENSIVE and INEFFICIENT.

went over the limit on calories yesterday eating god damn peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets. COME ON.

ok got my 4th job in. bookkeeper for a nondestructive testing facility. i couldnt tell you what that is, but i know its a thing. something to do with testing metal parts for cars or planes or anything.

i almost dont want a rel or a waifu or children any more because the only woman i wanted a rel, or waifu or children with was HER!!!!!! i can accept that shes GONE, but I still dont want to accept anyone else into that very special role. right now i am at the point where I would want to casually bang bitches, ie casual chill hangouts, netflix and chill, but absolutely no monogamous rel.  so, i would be a degen enabling women to be degen also.  well, its not like im gonna put a lot of  effort into this!

some autist freak on despair forums who was dumped by a girl at age 17 after going on 2 dates and 4 years later he still hasnt gotten over her. he managed to graduate college and is even worse now and foudn her on a dating site and messaged her and she said dont message me please.  sounded  like something i would do hahaha. like yeah its been 11 months since i talked to her and i still want her. i think, well maybe if i give her “SPACE” for a year then message her, it will be like a new beginning. yes i know this is bad idea but the thought still happens.

like oh its been so long, it will be like a new beginning, and we can Start Again.

or would she say dont ever message me again you psycho, youre obviously still obsessed wtih me.

i mean i just….fooking race mixing in EVERY commercial. and race mixing isnt even THAT prevalent. dont get me wrong, its still TOO prevalent, but in commercials, its rammed down your throat at levels that are not even present in pozzed cities like….berkeley or boulder or brooklyn or san fran or some shit. seattle. hahaha.

i was out of line….but was i THAT out of line? I was stupid and awkward and cringeworthy and embarrassing……but I was in luv. that is a perfect excuse and explanation and justification for me.

well wasnt SHE jsutified because she was going thru grief with her family and so I was just an added stress?

YES it makes sense that she gets overwhelmed and runs away like a scared bunny. but what doesnt make sense is that she doesnt think about it afterwards, then do SOMETHING later after a cooling off period. like EVENTUALLY feel guilty and say hey i’m sorry about that. and i would say, i udnerstand, its a tough time with your family, im sorry I didnt tell you sooner; oh well yeah i kinda knew, i just didnt wanna talk about it; oh well ok. i was trying to send signals, im glad you picked up on them. well i guess we can talk about it now. etc etc.

i would have understood and she could have said sorry your a good friend but i just dont feel that way about you, lets still be friends. and i would say aw shucks well i appreciate you not letting me down in the worst way possible, but i really like you and i can’t turn that back, so lets take a little break for a month ok? no hard feelings.

but no nothing like that. no coming back after a cooling off period. just a permanent break.

when you hear about the way it ended, it just sounds like an abortive, anticlimactic, middle school dating thing. this is not the way a 2.7 year friendship ends. just no. under no circumstances. those 2.7 years entitled me to a better ending.

wow. broken record amirite?

because it hurts THAT much and left THAT much pain and takes THAT long to get over!!!!!!

 

 

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