may 18

had a weird scary dream, technically nightmare, where one of my old school friends had gone completely insane and was K’ing people with a knife, and he had taken me hostage, and I wondered if I could leverage his appreciation of me to let me live, let me go free, or if he was gonna go all the way and K me and K himself hahaha. great dream hahahaha. but at least it didnt involve That Woman at all.

ok today have to Do Due Diligence Research on the County Department so I have intelligent questions to ask when I go in there TOMORROW. yikes. how corrupt is your department. how often do you shut down the average little guy, while taking bribes from oil rich arabs hahahaha. let them take a stinky hummus dump on your daughterz face. hahaha. selling bonds to the chicoms. forcing nonrich whites out while welcoming nonrich section 8 nonwhites in by the truckload hahaha.

there is really a lot of technical shit regarding water resources, water vs sewage and spillways and watersheds and infrastructure and the department heads are all Civil Engineers. I guess given time I could memorize the technical shit on the website but even still there are questions of “WHY tho. that doesnt really answer my question. it just brings up more questions. like why does it HAVE to be that way” which are not answered by the FAQs haha. I guess bring up 2 of those questions in the interview on my part hahahaha.

amazon has this thing with the weird name of mechanical turk where you can do tasks for pennies hahahaha.

i signed up immediately with my amazon account but i need to wait 48 hours for them to approve me darn.

maybe they wont because i bought racist books off amazon haha.

but really it would be too expensive to pay someone to screen me.

or, to buy software that could screen my history against a list of known racist authors hahahaha. get databases and shit to match up, api’s to plug into each other, whatever the fook. so that they could even say, check this guy’s amazon purchases to see if he ever bought a book by david duke or kevin macdonald hahahaha.

how the FOOK are there over TWO HUNDRED employees in this county department. that is several times larger than the department at my last job, and I thought that was big.

so would this be a better job than the post office? well how much do they PAY? how much of the job is damn customer service and Phones? how easy are the phone calls?

also its a 24 mile drive one way hehehe. yikes.  and there is a lot of confusing stuff. i mean yeah i can memorize stuff with flashcards though.

wish i had more certainty about the post office though. heh. i mean it seemed at least 50%. thats what I will tell the county water dept.

to that woman:

i wish you had cared more about My Feelings. to even let me tell you how I felt. but nooooooo.  I just wanted to be heard by you, rather than denied that chance altogether.

also i know Im not entitled to anything. but I wish i was more important, more valuable to you. when you know someone for 2.5 years, its really hard to believe that I left NO impact on you. that you were not invested in me AT ALL. that i meant NOTHING to you and you could just delete me like that. I know thats just not true. I think I DID mean something to you, but i just dont know how much. I know you are too scared to tell me and I wish you had more courage. just tell me that I meant something to you and made an impact on your life. I hope it was a good impact.

i know it ended badly but i really didnt want it to end that way. I was inviting you to talk to me and you never responded to those invitations. there was nothing more I could do without being invasive. Your silence told me that you didnt want to respond. I am not entitled to anything, but I believe that 2.7 years of friendship should “entitle” me to more than absolute silence.

just be willing to listen to me, appreciate this is painful for me, and try to be nicer to me when you are ending this relationship. didnt I mean ANYTHING to you? did I really mean that LITTLE to you? I dont think so. I just think you dont have the COURAGE to be more of an adult about this.

the end for today hahahaha

also its stupid that she treated other men better. she let THEM argue with her. she wouldnt even ARGUE with me. was it because she was SCARED, or DISGUSTED? ILL NEVER KNOW!!!!!!

yet it matters to me, because I would MUCH rather that she was scared like a cowardly animal running away, rather than disgusted by me, the monstrous unlovable weirdo.

ate quesadilla at social event. went 500 calories over budget. it is just SO easy to do. burned 1000 calories at fatness today. saw the woman I see there sometimes around 1:30 pm on wednesdays hahahaha. she is one of my favorite gurls. nice long arms and legs. def not shaped like a potato. she is totally out of my league but also not under 25. she seems bitchy hahaha. i imagine her as being russian or something. she has pale white skin but dark black hair. that is kinda troubling to me. i really hope she is not arab or albanian. i really dont think so.  i like to think i have a better radar of that sort of thing. i should go talk to her but i am terrible and terrified of approaching women. also i have no confidence for that sort of thing.

certainly THAT WOMAN has no shortage of guys APPROACHING her.

but that is the birthright of every woman.

i dont disparage that, i just disparage women who DENY it hahaha. who say “this double standard is a sexist myth. men and women are the same. women cant get pregnant. men can get sex just as easily as women. men can get pregnant too.” hahahahahaha see what i mean? these peopel are stupid as shit, but theyre not so stupid to ever say “men can get pregnant too.”

so how did i approach her? I dont remember AT ALL. there was absolutely NO concerted effort of me to approach. she was the new employee at my job so….i actually did probably approach her and ask if she had any questions, or more likely I was trying to reassure her and say theres nothing to worry about, this job is easy, and fun, so just chill out and dont worry. everyone is nice and i am nice and you dont have anything to worry about. I will help you if you ever have any questions. just relax.

and then we probably got to talking about music early on, and found we had some similarities there, well at least I knew enough to hold a conversation. because her preferred music was not stupid pop or hip hop or hipster shit but stuff I actually knew.

no of course she did not listen to type o negative or NILE, hahahahaha. well, she might have HEARD of TON, plenty of people have. not sure if she was a huge fan. she neer mentioned them. neither did I tho. well see I would prefer a woman who DIDNT like TON because only 30 year old goth sluts like TON. and nile? i mean i only mention these two groups because I’ve been listening to a lot of both of them lately, but the two bands could not be MORE dissimilar. basically goth metal rock and brutal technical death metal. night and day but I like them both. but WOMEN who like stuff like this are usually WEIRD and are better off avoided.

may 20

good lord i got so obsessed with doing amazon mechanical turk “HITs” and making 50 cents an hour that I didnt even write about MUH INTERVIEW, or anything else.

yeah interview went OK and was probably the best so far of any interview. the guy was very nice and friendly. it lasted at least 45 minutes and I actually presented myself fairly well, fairly confidently, like a pretty good normie actually. but the job is admittedly 75% inbound phones. a phone queue taking calls for BILLING on water bills. some expectation of angry, unreasonable customers.

if it were a “back office job” i would be more amenable. if it were less than 25 mile drive one way. if there werent a lot of calls from poor blacks who just want to argue and call you a racis hahaha was an implication they gave. many calls from the shitty ghetto black city in the county. maybe if it was just 50% phones rather than 75% phones. it takes 40 minutes to get there with no traffic. prob take 80 minutes with traffic. one way.

i did ok in the interview, well, i forgot to ask what the PAY was!!!!!! that was my glaring omission. but for most of the 45-50 minutes I composed myself rather well and presented a very normie, confident, competent, conscientious, smart demeanor hahaha. so in other words I have at least a 50% chance of getting an offer!

BUT……I am very ambivalent about wanting the job. regarding the longass drive, and the heavy phone aspect. 75% is better than what I was used to….but I really want more like 50%.

i guess that was the lesson I learned from this interview. 75% phones is not good enough for me.

although I would probably pick this one over the tech support health care call center job because they sounded pretty lax on their metrics. no strict metrics. some flexibility there. but its still so far away and its still 75% phones and its going to largely be hostile blacks demanding explanations that will never be good enough. its not technically a CALL CENTER….but its basically a Mini Call Center with 8 people answering phones out of a Automated Queue. On Headsets. Its a call center, albeit a Mini one. where the call agents are blessed with 25% nonphone work.

if it were closer, I might consider it. it would prob be BETTER than my previous job.

I came home and wrote a thank you email, even though I didnt REALLY want the job, I figured it was the right thing to do. just write them a brief thank you email and then I can turn down any offer for whatever bullshit reason i want.

then I saw I was approved by mturk and then I got wrapped up in that, doing retarded “HIT’s” like a chinese ant-man. But it is interesting, at least for a few days. no way to make a living, but I have made more money in 2 days than I have in like a year playing Poker, where I am Down. Here I am Up. 2 dollars so far. hahaha.

there was one thing where you transcribe german names out of scans of an old german phone book and type the names, occupation, house number, and floor number into a spreadsheet. they paid 7 dollars to transcribe like 1000 names. It literally would have taken 8 hours to complete the “HIT.” (Human Intelligence Task.) 7 dollars for 8 hours of “work” hahahaha. I started doing it and wasted about an hour and then said fook this shit. they need to break this shit up. and offer more money. but 7 dollars for 8 hours of work would be AWESOME for an indian.

I am sure i will get bored of Mturk but it is nonetheless good to have something that even vaguely looks like work tasks. complete with confusing, overlong, but underdescriptive instructions, and no way to ask for clarification hahaha. but some of the tasks are somewhat interesting. like the german phone book was in theory intersting. or this one where you use developer mode of chrome to look for fraudulent affiliate links. the instructions dont explain the WHY of that but I would be curious to know.

HA! I took a social psych study by some anti white marxists doing phdz at umass amherst and was glad they offered a comment box. I wrote a Book:

As a former psychology student and lifelong amateur psychologist, I enjoy reading about and participating in psychology studies. I am also very interested in race and race relations, but I am certain I approach them from a diametrically opposite position than most psychology researchers and university students and faculty. As a young college student I was very liberal and interested in social justice and anti-racism. As I grew older, I became markedly more conservative and also what would be called racist. I don’t think there is any causational effect between the two, however, although there may well be a correlation. In other words, the more conservative one is, we should NOT expect the person to therefore be more racist.

However I identify as having controversial views anyway. I am interested in ideas of white privilege and as a college student 10 years ago at a very left-leaning major university, I can attest to having been somewhat indoctrinated into that mindset. I view it as being young, naive, and wanting to fit in on my part. As I grew older, I maintained my interest in race, which will probably be a lifelong interest, but I began changing my views on race, and indeed, would be considered a hateful racist by most educated, middle-class, professional people. For this reason I keep my views private, because I know racist views can have real effects on one’s career and social life. I don’t think many people would be open to hearing my point of view. There are growing communities online where people discuss the “racial red pill.”

Basically I believe race is NOT a social construct, as is promoted in the university, and that there are definite, measurable differences in intelligence and behavior between races that cannot be explained away by societal causes. However I do believe there are important societal pressures as well.

I consider myself a kind and empathetic person and most believe that all humans are equal in terms of moral, spiritual value. However I do have an affinity for my “team” and view other Whites as my ingroup, and in generally prefer to associate with people of my ingroup. I don’t have anything against other races, but I must wonder if full racial integration really is the best way to go. I am rather segregationalist and nationalist. Some thinkers (either Steve Sailer or Heartiste, but echoed by many others in the “alt-right”, a movement which is gaining attention in 2016 but which will probably be misunderstood wildly by the media and consumers of this media) say “diversity + proximity = conflict”.

In other words, pushing different races and cultures to integrate might be like hammering a square peg into the round hole, destroying both the peg and the hole. It might be more of a win-win to encourage segregation than massive integration.

Or, integration is only beneficial in small proportions, and situations like the refugee crisis in Europe represent an unsustainable “growth” of multiculturalism.

Basically I question the value of extreme multiculturalism, and I wish I had been exposed to these ideas while in college. I believe a very healthy, rigorous debate could be had in the academic setting, but there are currently very few academics willing to challenge the intellectual status quo, which is undeniably Marxist. (Just saying the word “Marxist” will signal me as “rabid right wing racist”!) But having some contact with PhD studies in Psychology and Critical Theory, we can’t really deny the Marxist foundations of influential thinkers like Foucault, Adorno, Marcuse, third-wave feminists, bell hooks. Forgive me for not coming up with more names, it has been a while since I abandoned my own desire to enter academia, influenced largely by what I viewed as its intellectual dishonesty and myopia, and to the authors of this study I mean no offense. However, as Social Psychology PhD students, I am certain you encounter the political aspects of your work every day.

Anyway, I find these studies interesting, but that also my viewpoint is very unique (and very probably statistically insignificant!), but I would love to see well-known universities like UMass Amherst engage “alt-right” thinkers and theories in an open, honest, civil fashion. See Richard Spencer, Kevin MacDonald, Greg Johnson, Millennial Woes, Charles Murray, Pat Buchanan, Taki’s Mag, many more).

hey at least i got paid 50 cents for that! hahahaha. well, not for my UNSOLICITED RACIST OPINION, but for me answering bullshit antiwhite questions.

oooh just got rejection for part time job at local college which I applied to a month ago. an offer has been made and the candidate accepted it. they did not call me for an interview or assessment whatsoever. WEIRD that i cant even get an interview for a part time job, but other places, I can get a full time job with NO interview (shitty tech call center), or have a good chance at getting a full time job with one brief interview (post office, negroes complain mah beelz too high, yall are prejudice, i shouldnt have to pay for mah water, its a basc human right.)

well….maybe water IS a basic human right, but I dont want my JOB to be listening to people complaining about that, and me saying yep it is what it is what it is what it is.

i mean shit. I have no problem answering the phone. but a HIGH VOLUME of phone calls? NO. i’m not talking about sitting there waiting for the phone to ring. I am talking about being ON A CALL. i do not want to be ON A CALL more than 50% of my shift. period.

I dont have a problem with giving in person service. or waiting there for someone who needs service. hahaha. the waiting is great. or doing Tasks not immediately serving a customer. thats ok too.  doing a High Intelligence TASK hahahaha.

oh god heres some more shit i wrote:

Capturing people’s perceptions about Muslims and other groups in the US. Measuring attitudes and beliefs. Once upon a time I considered doing a psychology PhD because I am interested in studying these types of questions as well. I suspect there is a hypothesis that more conservative people are also more prejudiced, or hostile against immigrant or nonwhite groups. As a White conservative, I abhor the idea of having a “victim complex”, however I also don’t want White conservatives to be linked with negative character traits by liberal academics, either.

I identify as being somewhat racist, and I think it’s normal, healthy, and desirable for all people to be a little bit racist. I think it’s a bit absurd the notion put forth by academics, the media, and other middle-class professionals that to be racist is the single worst cardinal sin of our time. I disagree. Certainly to be a violent racist extremist is absolutely a bad thing. But racial awareness, and understand racial differences, I think is simply a mature, responsible, reasonable thing to do, rather than to pretend all people are the same. I wish that “celebrating diversity” had much more of a component of recognizing differences.

I am well aware that not all Muslims are violent terrorists, just like not all White conservatives are violent hate-crime perpetrators. Violence is certainly repulsive to me personally, and I think all human lives have equal value. However, I do identify closely with my racial in-group, which is Whites (European descent), and I look out for the interests of this group moreso than I do the interests of other groups. I find European identity very valuable and I would like it to be preserved into the future. The idea of a “world without race” does not appeal to me.

Perhaps I benefit from “White Privilege” , but in general, I do not like the anti-white, anti-European sentiments in the media and especially in the university.

I am very friendly to everyone I meet, including nonwhites. I keep my racist views very private because I know how socially unacceptable they are. I wish this were not so, and that every race were encouraged in being “a little bit racist.” I would not like to live in a minority-white neighborhood, that is, I prefer to live amongst a majority of other Whites, and I personally have no interest in interracial dating, and I prefer women who share my views here.

My views are probably shaped by the fact that I grew up near a mainly-Black city. The nonwhite ethnic groups I have the most contact with currently are Blacks, Arabs (both Muslim and Christian), and Albanians (mostly Christian.)

I believe one’s personality is at least 60% genetically determined, but things such as one’s childhood, religion, and social class do play a significant role.

I live near a large communities of Arab Muslims. There have been no significant reports of extremist activity from this region during my lifetime. It seems that terrorist extremism is a fairly recently phenomenon. I certainly don’t recall anything of this nature before the late 1990s, and first hearing about bin Laden and such, and then of course since 9/11, terrorism has been a permanently fixture in the news. Is this just because the media and government is choosing to focus on Islamic terrorism more? Has it always been there? I tend to think it is on the rise, at least in western nations, and that we are right to be concerned about it.

So in other words, Muslims who have peacefully lived among us for 20, 30 years I think are very low-risk, but we do have to pay attention to new Muslim migrants and immigrants, since I believe violent extremism is going to be much more prevalent in the younger generation of Muslims.

I am kind of an outlier for your study I’m sure, as a self-identifying White conservative racist with vocal opinions on race. I would certainly be viewed as a “racist redneck” by middle-class professionals. But by all accounts I am a pretty normal person, and I don’t talk about these controversial topics unless with very close friends or family, or in pseudonymous research studies!

I agree with you these are all very important topics. I agree that 99% of Muslims are peace-loving people and productive citizens. But I see no reason to throw the doors open for large numbers of Muslim migrants. I don’t understand why countries like Saudi Arabia or Oman or Turkey are not placed at the highest priority for receiving migrants. Why does it have to be US, Sweden, Germany? There are also troubling stories of migrants being mainly young men. I would be much more sympathetic to women and children and the elderly.

Good luck with your study! I don’t mean to be difficult or hostile. But I do naturally find some friction when taking research studies from social sciences, psychology, political science, sociology, etc, where the research authors probably have political views diametrically opposed to my own, and are probably trying to prove hypotheses very different that what I would try to prove. But I am happy to talk at length about race and politics!

hehehe the end. i am gettng my blogging out by doing paid studies and then writing my racist opinions in the comment boxes, to marxist leftist phds making more money than i ever will, by doing studies to show how horribly racist white racists like me are!

Great questions here, which people have been asking since the dawn of time, including myself. I think people are 60/40 nature/nurture. I don’t believe in a “blank slate.” I believe genetics and race has a strong influence on people’s personalities, but so does their upbringing. People do have the ability to change as adults, but the older you get, the harder it is I believe, and the less likely and harder it is for them to change. But with strong will and good support system, it can be done. I do believe in good and evil, and that mostly good people can do evil things, and vice versa. We are basically the sum total of the moral decisions we have made. Great study, I am very interested in morality, personality, and nature/nurture. I think there is some forces we can’t control, but some things we can. I do believe in free will….to an extent. However even if a criminal or bully was abused as a child, they are still to “blame” for their cruel behavior later. It might explain their behavior, but does not justify it whatsoever. Many people who are abused break that cycle of abuse and do not go on to abuse other. Not sure how many.

a more interesting study on morality, free will, blame, self determination, nature and nurture. how you think of a bully when you learn he was abused as a child, and thats why hes a huge asshole now. doesnt make that ok though.

Interesting study. I only recently discovered MTurk and wonder sometimes about the average MTurker. I am also personally interested in the subject of NEETs and would like to see more academic studies on NEETs, especially the internal thoughts and feelings, psychological problems, self confidence, life experiences of NEETs. I am not a NEET but I have come close. In this way I might not represent an “average person” and therefore might be considered statistically insignificant to your study.

comment on a study asking about a time I wielded POWER. I responded that I hadn’t wielded power at all really, and kind of feel powerless, and it sucks!


Personal experience
In this part, we are interested in a personal experience of yours.

Please recall a time when you acted in such a way that you felt guilty or ashamed.

Perhaps you were disloyal to a friend, were greedy when you should have shared, were mean to someone for no particular reason, or uncaring toward someone who needed you.

Please describe the situation: When was it, who was involved, what did you do, how did you feel?

You can write as much as you like:::::::

I felt extremely guilty and ashamed recently when a relationship ended suddenly and intensely. I am a male and had a female friend who I became quite close with over the course of several years. At this late point, I started to develop more romantic, intimate feelings towards her, and hoped that she felt the same way and we could become more than friends. She clearly did not feel the same way. I invited her to talk about this difficult situation so we could try to smooth things over and have open communication with each other, but she was unwilling to meet or to have a conversation with me, and our complicated friendship ended immediately. Her complete unwillingness to talk to me or even listen to me made me feel that I had done something horribly wrong, like betray her trust. I felt treated like a bad person, so I felt like I was a bad person who had done a bad thing. I felt completely to blame for the way the relationship ended. But I was also very conflicted, because I knew rationally that I hadn’t really done anything wrong or hurtful, albeit it was awkward and uncomfortable. It took me a long time to accept that I was not a bad person who did a horrible thing. It’s very important to me to be a nice, kind, good, moral, trustworthy person. I would never intentionally betray someone. So to be treated like I had betrayed a friend made me feel horrible. It took months for me to begin to accept that I had NOT done something horrible, and that my former friend shared some responsibility for the way this relationship ended. I was not expecting them to return my feelings; but I did really want them to just sit down and talk with me, or at least communicate with me somehow. People do have the power to exit a relationship in a way that minimizes pain for the other person. I feel she did not make any effort to do that. I still feel self-blame, like if I hadn’t developed special feelings, I never would have pushed her away like that. But I also feel upset that she could have reacted a little more compassionately. It was a time of tremendous pain that took at least 9 months to get over.