may 16

went to the post office city carrier assistant 1 interview. there were about 20 candidates there. at least 50% were blaqq. I dont say that with any sort of judgement, just stating a fact hahaha. i get along with blaqs just fine on the job. i wouldnt really care if…..well i would probably care a little bit if 50% of my coworkers were blaq. In terms of the politics in a govt job, I wouldnt know how to handle it. Do I outwork the blaqs? Do I try to get my work to blend in with the quality of the blaqs? dont want to be the uptight white boy rocking the boat and showing everyone up.

there was one sort of semi cute white woman there. maybe about 25, cute in that plain sort of way. I should have asked her out on a date right there but I was caught off guard, was not expecting this. Also I saw a ring on her left hand but it looked like a pretty cheap ring. also do wedding/engagement rings go on the left hand?

but yeah. cute in that plain jane way that I like. white n nerdy hahahaha. but not in that IM SUCH A NERD DORK LOL. like i say i was not expecting this at all. she was not super young but not super old. and not super hawt. so, she MIGHT possibly be in my league in other words. and she was not fat. not Ripped but def not fat. so, the perfect gurl for me hahahaha.

anyway I talked to this guy for about 10 minutes. I was nervous and stupid and tried to answer the questions but my GOD I do HORRIBLY at interviews. Gave him a 1 page resume, list of 4 references, 1 rec letter. got his actual email address and sent him a thank you message attaching those things and ANOTHER letter of rec. looked up his name and saw that he made 79k a year as a Postmaster in a nice white city. horry sheet. but he was really nice and put me at ease a little.  did not bust my balls whatsoever, no tough questions really, shit they just had to move through 20 pieces of meat out there hahahaha.

the people (candidates) were generally better dressed than I expected. plenty of the young men were wearing ties and suit coats. then I forget that blaqs usually like to get dressed up nice in their sunday best, and are often Sharp Dressers. Whereas Low-Confidence Whites like me wear shabby old suit coats that dont match the pants hahahaha. blacks do not dress like ghetto thugs all the time hahaha.

anyway that woman was not super cute, not as good looking as That Woman, quite a bit Mousier. but when I first met That Woman I thought she looked kind of Mousey too. and did not recognize her striking beauty hahaha. All I saw was the weird things about her face and body. like her weird chin, her bulging eyes, wrinkly crows feet, big nose, cheap shoes, acne prone skin, hahaha. then later I came to love all these things. I liked her imperfections and weirdness and wouldnt change a thing about her physically. all the things i thought were neutral or had no opinion on or thought would make getting physical with her WEIRD, I eventually enjoyed these things. wanted to make out with her pimply horseface hahahaha.

yeah i mean i WILL get over this, it just WILL take a VERY long time. when your heart is broken, it takes a long time to heal. when theres a HUGE void in your life, it takes a LONG time to heal. at LEAST a year. PROBABLY MORE.

so anyway you can survive through that year, do it. eating, drinking, smoking, benzos, MJ, pain pills, sleeping, nyquil. for a full fookin year. heck develop a drug habit, that will give you a more important thing to worry about than a broken heart hahahaha.

just try not to become a huge fatass. well i guess if you do, you can still lose weight “quickly” by starving yourself hahaha.

i have hit such a huge plateau on losing weight. I have lost 19-20 pounds and cant seem to lose any more. so stupid. I would like to lose 10 more pounds at least.

chronic pain is the easiest excuse for medical MJ. just say you have had chronic pain in your back the past few months.

getting in habit of taking nyquil every 2 days now. great. i would MUCH rather be sm0king w33d.

may 17

jeez get call about county job interview for the other county over. technically the richer better county. but its definitely got some shitty areas too hahahah. yuge income disparity there. dont even remember applying for this job. turns out it is PROBABLY from a pool i applied to in october. finally getting a call in MAY. horry sheet.

water department. well if it is taking calls all day from people bitching about their water bills and me saying i dunno, it is what it is, uhhhh supervisor is not available. then…..that would suck. also what would it pay compared to post office. post office actually pays pretty good.

but yeah I was blindsided by the county hahaha. i got a call at 920 am and was half asleep and thought i dont even remember applying for this, what job is this again?

so go do that bullshit on thursday, 2 days from now. cant wait till MJ is legal hahahaha. yeah its degenerate but i can make excuses for myself to use it. as long as you are not part of the degen stoner community, thats a good move. and I surely am not.

was thinking about the music of nile again, and how it is just confusing riff after confusing riff, and it reminded me of my job and my jumbled confused mind. just one thing after the other that you did not understand, pummeling you into submission. however nile is be much more fun and enjoyable. but just the sense of “i have no idea whats going on here, this is too much, too fast, too confusing.”

was out running errands and I saw a super qt 18 year old gurl with a kinda scumbag looking white guy with a neck tattoo. well at least he was white.

later I saw like a 16 or 17 year old white high school girl with her black boifran and his other black friend. one of those white trash high school gurls that prefers hanging out with the Blacks even from that young age. there is no hope for something like that. she’s not rebelling against anything, rather she probably had a horrible childhood and has no father to rebel against. totally lost cause. very sad.

the high school down the street has a reputation for having a bad Painkiller/Heroin problem, hahaha. imagine that. 17 year old high school qt’s getting strung out on heron and then having 3 ways with some lucky scumbag who can supply them with pain pills. banging 17 year old gurls up the ass hahahahaha. i mean 18 year old. plenty of white gurls too.

when i was in high school, painkillers were not NEARLY as big of a thing. also, we had “ecstasy” instead of Molly. I never tried any of that stuff. the ecstasy and molly I mean. I dabbled with some painkillers and luved it hahaha. keep me away from those. high potential for addiction hahaha.

does it give women confidence to know they are attractive to men, even somewhat similarly to how being attractive to women gives MEN confidence? i imagine it gives them at least a LITTLE confidence. maybe not as much because they dont need to DO anything, it isnt as much of a struggle, and it’s always there, so they learn to take it for granted, cuz its EASY to  find a supply of guys to fook, date, cuddle. but for omega males, its hard to find women who will even HANG OUT with you or cuddle with you.

so cuddling, dating, secs are much more VALUABLE to men than to women, because women can get it CHEAP. men have to pay 900000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 dollars for a HUG from a 7/10 hahaha.

also I can verify that when you have zero female friends, you feel a lot more pathetic and weird than when you have one or more female friends. even if you are not Dating or Fooking them. something like it proves to yourself that you are Not So Weird that you just cant get along with Women At All.

come on just put me in the FRIENDZONE! Friendzone would have been 9999999 times better than this! because when they friendzone you, they make an effort to be nice about it, saying, awwwww! thats so SWEET! but im SORRY, lets just be friends instead.

thats all I wanted her to do. say AWWWWWW and IM SORRY. thats ALL.  thats why im so butthurt hahaha. not because i felt entitled to secs, luv, a relship. but because i felt entitled to AWWWW IM SORRY.

AWWWWW IM SORRY is not too much to ask for!

Low Effort, High Reward! Low Input, Very High Output. EXTREMELY high ROI there! it takes 2 seconds to say it but can save 200 Days of Pain. its a WIN WIN. Win for you because they remember you better and you dont have some person out there who hates your guts hahaha. Win for them because it saves them 200 days of pain.

either I was a horrible person, OR she is kinda cowardly and avoids conflict and runs away. what is more likely. when you put it like that, the answer is easy. she didnt see it as abandoning, and probably abandoning is not the most accurate word. shirk your responsibilities, or RUN AWAY is a more accurate word.

i mean for her there was nothing left to abandon. so she could get me on a technicality there. its not abandoning because to me there was nothing left to abandon. well i dispute that hahaha. who can i appeal to. i appeal to you. Your Wrong.

ok how about a plea deal to a lesser charge then. if not abandoning, then dereliction of duty. running away from responsibility. delinquency.

еуыештп еру кгыышфт лунищфквю ююю  щр шыте ершы туфею ащщл ьу шт еру фыы ишесруыю

…ююю ббб жжж эээ ъъъ \\\ === — 0 9 8 8**?:%;;№№ № “””! ЁЁЁ ы ц у к е н

и с с ы я ф в л д д д д

I added a russian language input to just play with it. maybe help me learn muh cyrillic letterz. like how p = r and c =  s and v= b and pi = p and all that shit hahahaha. didnt seem to have much correspondence.

anyway i sound like a huge whiny wimp on the stuff that is getting published now hahahaha. i am a little better now thank god. stupid interviews left and right. i bet if i could do like 2 interviews a week, EVERY WEEK, then eventually I would get better at interviews and eventually get a Job. But its real hard to have 2, let alone 1 interview, every week. I have just been getting real “lucky” with the interviews lately.

but yeah its interesting to see. i am doing noticeably better now, 10 months after, than i was then….4 months after.

especially when theres nothing to learn, nthing to gain, no great lessons to take out of it. its just completely useless, worthless pain, and you just want it to go away. chronic pain. thats how and why you get medical MJ haha. or painkillers.

found this neat hourlong documentary of nile in the studio in like 2009 recording “those whom the gods detest” when I had totally dropped off the nile radar. i dont know this album at all. it was the second album AFTER “annihiliation” which that seemed to be their “peak” and i was gone between “bsov” and “itds” and THEN aotw came out.  they dont seem too degenerate. would be interesting to see some tour footage to see how degenerate they get on tour.

i was just glad they werent drunk and stoned every minute of the video hahahahahahaha. well….there was probably some MJ in there. you dont get this chilled out unless you smoke MJ.

its just interesting how karl sanders moved from thrash metal in the 80s, and just got heavier and heavier and faster and more extreme during the 90s, going to death metal, then to  technical br00tal death metal as he got older. at this rate what is he gonna do when he is 60, 70 years old? 400 bpm br00talist technicalest death metal?