MJ IS A GR8 VOID-FILLER

may 3

knowing WHY she chose to ignore me wouldnt help any because its still not justifiable, theres still no excuse, its still wrong. an apology would be a good start though. but….when have i ever abandoned you. youve already abandoned me once. yeah thats scorekeeping but this is a pretty big thing. not as bad as cheating, but still very hurtful. not the type of thing you IGNORE. you have to address it head on and not pretend it never happened. of course the person who DID it would like to pretend it never happend.

she would have to be willing to apologize, AND spend a lot of time together, AND honestly WORK to rebuild the trust, AND show me a lot of luv and loyalty, AND be my monogamous luver. she cant say lets just be friends NOW. not that she has hahahaha.

yeah yeah i mean i understand her circumstances and personal issues that caused her to react this way, and I probably forgive her, BUT, IM JUST SAYING, if she wanted to resume contact with me, we would have to DEAL WITH what happened. because its not the type of thing you CAN ignore. when people talk about “scorekeeping” and balance sheets, they mean relatively little things. I did you a favor last month, now you owe me a favor this month.

this does NOT apply to BIG DEAL things, like abandonment/desertion. Also cheating. now abandonment might not be a “betrayal” the way cheating is…..but it still severely damages TRUST. how can you trust someone who abandons you when you need them the most?

well ive been a good guy and not bothered her. i dont want to say respect her wishes because i dont respect them. i just know that if you bother a woman when she doesnt want you to bother her, then you look like the bad guy, a stalker, raepist, evil man.  even if you are just trying to hold the person accountable hahahaha. and i said yeah youre wrong and stupid and horrible and this is horrible and youre doing a horrible thing, and youve broken my heart and should be wracked with guilt for the rest of your godforsaken life, and you ruined my life hahahaha, but if you dont want to talk to me, then I wont talk to you.

but just in general. show some respect for human LIVES. dont throw people away. dont replace people. dont exchange people like a pair of pants. respect peoples feelings. when they say stop hurting me, stop hurting them. when they say dont abandon me, dont abandon them.

also she filled a very special role in muh life where now there is a huge void, and i dont like that void!!!!!!

the special female friend void!!!

there were some very important FIRSTS for me, like this was the first time I had gotten feelings for a female friend. This was the first time that my feelings got deeper over the long term. normally I drift away from women after 2 or 3 years and dont get feelings for them and am not DEVASTATED when it ends!

and it was the most substantial, important, long term rel I’d had with a woman in a LONG time.

the older you get, the less likely you will be sharing any “FIRSTS” with the woman. she got those out of her system 20 guys ago, when she was young. first love. first long term rel. first fooked up the ass. first heartbreak. first person she told some secret too. first person she abandoned. first person she was willing to fight for. nope. none of that for you. you are just the 20th guy where she might be your FIRST In a couple important things. oh she is your first long term rel? oh well, she’s already had 20 long term rels. you’re nothing special.

she’s very special to you, you’re not special to her at all. real good for the confidence, hahaha.

just treat me like i was a little more special to you. I know I was at one time. and then you became more and more special to me and i became less and less special to you. damn.

anyway i mean nothing to say there, nothing will change, it is what it is.

you wanting out of the relationship, thats fine. but that doesnt ABSOLVE YOU of the RESPONSIBILITIES of the relationship. You have to abide by the RULES of the relationship even though you want OUT of the relationship. and common sense rules tell you, dont throw a person away like a piece of garbage. tell them you want out of the rel and accept that your decision hurts them.  pretty common sense here hahaha. even i, the least common sense person who ever existed, knows this.

hehehe its like being stabbed in the heart and dying slowly. and how can you be a happy productive healthy person when you are dying slowly from a stab to the heart? you cant. you have to slowly die, then be born again. maybe after staying dead for a while hahahaha. even christ stayed dead for 3 days.

so i say, die slowly for 9 months, then stay dead for 9 months, then you should be ready to come back to life.

i was at the megamarket where i buy my prepaid phone card and they said they no longer let you buy those at the u-scan. I had already Rung Tender all of my other stuff. so i said ok. some customers would have given a hard time. I wasnt about to do that to the poor old 60 year old white man making 9 dollars an hour. So I just put the card aside, finished buying the stuff, put the stuff in the car, came back inside, got another card, and waited in a long line for a human cashier, who was a 50 year old white woman making 9 dollars an hour with a long line of fookin idiots who would probably bitch at her for “why dont ya open another lane.” like its her fooking decision. like she wouldnt want them to open another lane. i smiled and was a model customer. so you have to buy cards from the cashier lane now. new policy. i wonder if thats because of theft? fraud? this store only? which stores? I did not bombard the poor cashier with these questions. no doubt there was some manager hiding out back smoking cigarets. thinking about how many more lanes he could close.

go to shrink today. once every 3 weeks.

i dunno. I just think women should be kinder, gentler, more decent, less SHADY. not fooking so many guys, not doing such egregiously hurtful things. little white lies are fine. but cheating is too much. abandoning is too much. being a easy low-price slut is too much. try to make your father proud of you. but none of these gurls have fathers. fatherless whores.

white people acting like n1993rs. no fathers. white trash. shameful.  white n1993r5.

also when you are dating a guy, why the hell do you need so many close male friends? your man is RIGHT to be jealous. oh because they listen to your problems. yeah well female friends could do the same. or your family. or if you were like me, you’d be begging your GF, pleeeeease baby you can talk to me about our problems! i’ll do whatever it takes to fix them! please talk to me! and then they leave you for one of their many male friends, hahahaha.

yes MJ can fill voids in your life. I think it would help fill the void in my life right now. it is a great void filler in a way that alcohol is not.  also helps you sleep at night and not toss and turn with Worry.

it is a very pleasurable Ritual that is very much what I imagine sharing time with your loved one is like. like cuddling your waifu. the act of preparing and enjoying your mjfu.

welp went to the shrink and basically the whole time was me blabbing about the recruiter offering me the job at the call center. mentioned how I was jealous that that woman had better coping skills than me, and could handle tough jobs better than me. she was tougher and stronger than me. and she doesnt want to associate with a loser like me.

so yeah didnt really discuss that aspect.

that of course is just a weapon i can use against myself. i have no idea if she thinks i am a loser. besides what does what SHE thinks mattters. we are DONE. but i dont want to be DONE, so what she thinks DOES matter to me!

hehheh but she doesnt care what i think about her. just stay away.

basically i dont feel too bad about turning down the one job. too many red flags hahaha.

but I HATE thinking she doesnt want to talk to me because Im a huge loser.

hehehe other people talk to me even though I am a huge loser!! Im not a BAD INFLUENCE On THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

saw a very cute gurl in the shrink waiting room though, but she had to be 18-20 and was with her mother hahahaha. no chance for me. she was a very large tall big boned girl, which I like sometimes. not fat or anything. but her pants were probably too small and i could not stop staring. I thought damn if I could spend some time with HER I would get over That Woman REAL fast.  I mean I almost got aroused right in the waiting room. I am NEVER that attracted to women. unless they are young 6 foot 18 year old gurls hahahahaha. the blond hair and beautiful pale white skin certainly helped.

i should have introduced myself to both her and her mother at once and asked the mother if i could date the daughter, even though I am like 12 years older than her hahahaha and a total loser.  she is in high school and i have been out of college for 10+ years. is that normal?

well I have heard of this guy who’s like 40 whose dating an 18-19 year old gurl. pretty good. everyone thinks thats weird though. hes a weird guy though. very beta. gets devastated when women dump him and then doesnt date again for 10 years hahaha. sound familiar hahaha.

but yeah i wanted that huge young gurl to sit on muh face and also me to just have intense S with her and just grab that big body hahahaha.

i dunno. its just the first time i had this transition. where once we were good friend, and now shes TOO GOOD to hang out with me or talk to me. very hard feelings. i have drifted away from MANY people. this is completely different. alot more painful hahahaha. a LOT. first time with such extreme, incomprehensible pain.

tried Famous Daves Devils Spit spicy BBQ sauce. I give it 2 thumbs up. Its not super thick, a slight bit runny, but that’s fine. it is quite spicy indeed. I have been eating Stubbs Sweet Heat which is much less spicy, and much thicker. I think I prefer the Devils Spit. Both are better than the Open Pit Original I had had for a while and got tired of. Theres a time and a place for that, but I can’t see being in that mood again for a while. The Famous Daves is very good. glad I tried that.

but yeah i hate being given up on. a parent that abandons their child is a bad parent. a husband that abandons his wife is a bad husband. a friend that abandons their friend is a bad friend.

so what is when a former friend abandons a former friend because they dont like that their former friend got feelings for them? they say, well i don’t owe them any courtesy, because THEY killed the friendship FIRST by getting feelings! they violated their responsibilities of the friendship FIRST, therefore I dont have to live up to my responsibilities! THEY killed it!

well its obvious a gray area, but I think common sense would prevail that Getting Feelings is complicated but not inherently bad, while abandoning / pulling plug, unless when you are escaping an abuser, IS much more inherently bad. than getting feelings for a friend.

it makes it confusing because its not like we were Luvers. so really the closest thing to it is being abandoned by a friend. yeah. i mean it would really be worse if we were actually fooking (because thats all dating is hahahaha) and she disappeared.

so yeah, the closest approximation here is being abandoned and shut out by a friend. but a little worse becuase i had special feelies.

https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-stop-being-sad-about-a-friend-who-abandoned-me

https://beta.theodysseyonline.com/an-open-letter-to-the-best-friend-who-abandoned-me

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/abandoned-by-a-close-friend

http://life.gaiam.com/article/how-overcome-feeling-abandonment

QUADS. i got QUADS again hahaha. i get QUADS like once a week. this is ridiculous.

 

Advertisements