well my view of others does not bounce back and forth quickly.
nor do i overshare too early. it takes me forever to open up.
scored 21, where 20 to 32 is “LIKELY”. GREAT.
i mean it only happens with romantic type rels. and i am not back and forth or shallow. its THEM who is shallow. then they dump me, sometimes abandon me, and i am DEVASTATED.
i think this is probably more Highly Sensitive, than BORDERLINE.
i mean i dont have mood SWINGS. I’m just always in a bad mood hahaha.
i dont want to be BORDERLINE! This crazy woman I used to work with was diagnosed as borderline and she was both the most sad pathetic and the most obnoxious person ever. i do not want to be like that at ALL.
i pushed her away because i was bugging her…..but i wasnt bugging her every day. i was bugging her once every 2 weeks because i was upset we hadnt hung out in 10 months.
yeah i screwed up, i should just said, THIS ENDS NOW, we need to talk NOW, or IM done with YOU.
but that is just cowardness and meekness and timidity and unassertiveness…..NOT BORDERLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!
how come a mistake can never be just a mistake with me? its always gotta signal some major underlying disorder?!?!?!?!?!?!
well because I have taken despair meds and seen a shirnk for YEARS. normies dont do this hahahaha.
because i struggle greatly to do the things normies take for granted, like Work and Bang Bitches.
Or Date Bitches, for that matter hahaha. when you are in your 20s, you bang bitches. starting in your late 20s, you start trying to date bitches long term to find someone for Marriage.
at this point i just want to work a job i can at least tolerate, smoke MJ, and bang attractive bitches. use them for their hot bodies and nothing more. yes this is degenerate, but its not a permanent phases, besides its not hurting the white gurls any. THEY WANT THIS. it may not be good for them, but if they’re not getting dick from me, they’ll SURE be getting it from someone else, maybe even black guys. or arabs. so, better to get off on sluts, than to get no kind of luv at all.
at this point, better to be with sluts than be with no women at all. just dont marry the sluts or get the sluts pregnant and especially dont be FOOLISH enough to get feelings for the sluts. I cant see getting feelings for ANYBODY though. not even decent women. I just wanna pound ass.
i do want to pound bitches asses. i almost dont care about meeting nice gurls because i wouldnt be able to appreciate them. i am emotionally unavailable and will be for like another year. but i certainly have desire to pound ass and then disrespect the women who choose to degrade Human Life Itself by having casual sex.
well arent I degrading human like itself? yeah, but only 1% the amount the women are. they are MUCH more to blame. a uterus is hundreds of times more important than a sperm. not my issue if they dont know how their own damn BODIES work. Of course I will ALWAYS wear a rubber even if they dont request it, because I care about human life, and I also care about getting diseases from these diseased skanks.
heheh big official job interview tomorrow morning hahaha. like, not with a recruiter but with the actual company, in this case, the city gubbermint hahahaha. I dont have a good chance at getting the FT job at all, but better chance of getting the PT job. i will take it because it is a job that is not in a call center hahaha. though maybe it will involved tons of phone calls from angry arab business owners saying why u taking so long to approve my permit. uhhh cuz the guy who can approve it has been in meetings or off all week and doesnt have time to sign the paper hahahaha. we’ll mail you the permit in 4 to 6 weeks hahahaha.
ok well lets register not register a formal complaint then hahahaha. sorry not sorry.
yeah well I dont want arabs in muh city so this would be a good thing hahahaha.
ill just be like I have enjoyed living in this city for the past 20 years and I would like to give back to this community which is such a excellent place to call home. Serve the residents of the city and make it the best city possible. Help us stay under budget and run as efficiently possible and give the most value in city services to our loyal taxpaying residents. I watch the city council meetings sometimes and recognize the names of the people on city council hahaha.
for some reason my legs are very sore today even though I have taken the last 2 days off from the Gym. I wonder if i Pulled The Hammies while going at 15 degrees on the treadmill the other day hahaha.
that feel when both of the higher ups you will be talking to who make very good money went to the college that was the big rival of your college. your college got made fun of as the snobbish nerds, while you made fun of them as the idiots that would be working for the grads of your college, who were smart and successful. hahaha. except for me hahaha. hopefully they dont say something about college football hahahaha. then i can be like i dont follow college football at all and they will be like what a WEIRDO, especially when both our schools were kinda big football schools. so I will say football is for n1993r5, dont you know.
oh shit i think this interview tomorrow is STRICTLY for the PT position. damn.
so that means i dont even get considered for the FT one?
and now i cant log into the system where you apply for the city jobs. getting weirdass asp.net errors.
you gotta be kidding me. my BMR, IE the maximum number of callories I can eat per day without GAINING way, is like 1570 a day. meaning…..if i eat any more than that…..I GAIN weight. and to lose weight I need to eat substantially less than that. but the national institute of health says men should eat at least 1200 cals a day.
not 1829 calories like i ate today. but we kinda knew today would be intense hahaha. big fam dinner.
not all women are huge sluts. SHE wasnt a huge slut. but she did…..
well leave me high and dry would be a better term. leave me in the lurch. leave me hanging. severely disappoint me. its not betrayal. just feel a bit sold out. LET DOWN. I was greatly LET DOWN. and not easily. not betrayed, just let down harshly.
no, being let down is not betrayal. that is quite savvy of me to realize, as the victim hahaha. i wish she were savvy enough to realize I did not betray her.
oh fook not THIS again. it doesnt MATTER. and she probaby doesnt even think that anyway.
but yeah got to get up early tomorrow and bomb this interview haha.
i dunno i am still happy i didnt take the CALL CENTER job. I am less nervous NOW, the day before an interview, than I was EVERY DAY before WORK at the tech support call center.
so that was how nervous i was there hahaha. every day was worse than a big interview.
anyway. some women who are not filthy whores will also not dump me like a psycho weirdo. not all women are like that, not all women will do that.
hey just think of woman 2012 . she was a decent woman ANDDDDDD she rejected me in a very nice way. Just think of woman2012. way more perfect than woman2015 hahahaha.
just wish I wasnt all sore today. And I dont really know WHY. I ahve been been more inactive than usual. maybe my new muscles are wasting away hahahaha.
i will go tomorrow if i dont die before or during the interview hahahahaha. i think they are going to do several rapid fire speed interviews with at least 3 candidates. starting me at 9:20. what a weird time.
hmm well they could easily do 3 people before lunch. could do like 60 minute interviews with each person.
a fooking 3 person panel. jeez o petes. overkill. thinking it will be the city clerk, the city HR manager, and who knows who else. probably the fookin MAYOR. the fooking CITY MANAGER. 3 guys making like 80 grand a year interviewing for a part time job making 13 bucks an hour. or is it 14. i think its 13 and change.
oh well even if it goes horribly, its a good thing to do. neets dont go on interviews hahahaha. its how you graduate from being a neet hahahaha.
it would be nice not to be a neet. that is really the best thing about jobs hahahaha. but is it really worth it? with my last job and the combined situation there, I chose being a neet over that ridic situation.
well i did my interview, and i did not die before or during it. i was a little nervous and autistic. I did not get any of the people right who would be there. turns out the main purpose was to establish an ELIGIBILITY LIST for FUTURE jobs, so uhhhh it wasnt for a specific job that was opening up soon. it was 3 women. I was familiar with one of th women and she was very nice. I sent email thank you to my Contact in HR to please forward this thank you message to these three people who I could not find the email addresses for. I found one of them on linkedin and invited to connect. with thank you note I included all sorts of happy clappy platitudes and 2 letters of recommendation, the long resume, and list of 4 references.
rambled a big and sounded retarded and nervous and autistic. This is what I do, I ramble, I forget about that. I am so afraid I will freeze up that I forget really my big mistake is rambling and putting words together that do not go well together, so I sound autistic and neet virgin af.
switched to my old shitty suit jacket this time because it is a better fit (smaller) than the new $5 one I got. I really have to have a small ass suit coat because of my small petite princelike body hahahaha.
sent email at 11:07 am, well before lunch. had interview at 9:20 am.
i was nervous but not super nervous like I was ERRY DAY at my old job.
shaved with brand new razor and got tiny specks of blood on my White Collar hahahaha. hope the HR Women didnt see that. i didnt see it till i got home and removed the shirt.
probably didnt project much confidence wiht my body language. rambled on autistically. apart from those things i did OK, not horrible, conveyed that I was good enough for a minimum wage part time job hahahahaha.
it is amazing I have ever been hired for a job EVER.
but i have done it 9 or 10 times in my life. nevar forget that.
oh well. body language, neet autism virgin withstandin g (not notwithstanding because my unemployable neetness was on FULL DISPLAY!), the fact remains that true neets don’t leave their houses to do ANY kind of interviews. so I got that goin for me hahaha. got up at 7 am, took a shower, shaved with new razor, brushed teeth and flossed, put on plain white broadcloth dress shirt, blue dress slacks, red tie, and semi shitty gray suit coat, decent dressy shoes. actually not super dress shoes, but somewhat professional looking skechers shoes with big clunky soles which make me look 1 inch taller. notbad.jpg.
hopefully the one person will accept my linkedin invitation. they have like 230 connections hahahahahaha. would expand my linkedin reach. good get. hahaha. but they seemed nice. AND they went to my fancy pants college. so there.
now HOPEFULLY my HR Contact will forward my email and attachments to the people as I asked hahahaha. she could just say fook that shit ayyy lmao and delete it, with no one the wiser, and the Panel would say, damn what a neet virgin ingrate, guess he doesnt really WANT to work, hahahahaha.
heh dont know why i feel such a connection to peter steele. i was reading the blog his family put together and they seem to sanction two decent women he met in his life, one of which claimed to be his wife. i dont know if she was a secret wife, or they got divorced many years ago, or who these women are, probably not the beotch who cheated on him and let to the making of slow deep and hard, which I find hard to believe was written in “4 hours”. anyway I want to know more about his personal life, his youth, his 5 sisters, his parents, him as a teen, starting carnivore, fallout, him meeting josh silver the j00, the women he dated and fooked, the women he cheated on (well, not sure he ever cheated on a woman, dont want to slander him, but he has himself implied that he has done some women wrong), i really should buy the book. how he got his job with the parks dept, did he drink and party a lot when he was young, what the hell did fallout really do, his formative memories, his true luvs and heatbreaks, the things he read, his thoughts on all sorts of stuff. why did he fook up those relationships with those two women hahahaha. or did they dump him. why didnt he marry one of them. talk about his time in rehab. his time in pennsylvania. shit i think he was technically in pennsylvania when he died. did they do any sort of “toxicology” report when he died. I read an internet rumor that he might have used heroin before he died. but he never used heroin, only coke. but maybe he got all worked up one day and did a bunch of heroin leading to his death. an accidental overdose. not saying this happened. but yeah why not just marry the gurl you were in luv with when you were 18. he wasnt a neet wizard virgin, and dated and probably fooked gurls when he was 18. why not just stay with them. I wish I were 18 and That Woman was 18 and we met at the same age and I was her first boifran and then by age 21 I would say hey lets get married hahahaha. and both our lives would have been different and better hahaha.
never mind that is not possible because she is 8 years younger than me hahaha.
maybe I should have looked for an older woman?
i wasnt really LOOKING for anyone. there was a time when we were friends and I was saying the same woman-hating stuff I usually do, hurrr durrrr all the women in the world are such dirty whores, i could never get feelings for a woman, why can’t i just get feelings for my female friend, we get along really well. and then I DID. and that went much worse than expected hahahaha.
hey i wasnt paranoid she would abandon me. therefore i am not borderline haha. no i did not see the total abandonment coming. I was afraid about the relationship ending and I was desperate and grasping….but I wasnt contacting her 100000 times per day.
i mean i was a little annoying and pushy but not BORDERLINE!!!!! or maybe I am just vastly underestimating my own pushiness. all I know is, I did not see this ultimatum coming and was shocked. I knew there were obvious problems, but I really didnt think it would end like that, at that time. i was BLINDSIDED.
people with borderline assault perfectly reasonable people, people who would never abandon a person, people who will Break Up with somebody the right way, with 100 messages a day saying please dont abandon me! please dont abandon me! what are you doing right this second! who are you with! etc etc.
i never did anything remotely like that. I just wanted to hang out once in ten months. borderline people will actually hang out with you, then the day afterward, say stop abandoning me. youre cheating on me, arent you.
i never did anything close to that.
besides, even if a borderline person is paranoid that you will abandon them…….still doesnt give you the right to abandon them without saying anything. you say im sorry but im leaving you, I cant deal with your paranoia any more. or you give them an ultimatum: you have one more chance to stop being paranoid or i’m leaving you. I will also let you know when I’m leaving.
she made some implication that I was pushing her away, because i apologized for the 90000th time about being pushy, and she once said “tbh thats why ive been so distant”
and that was the most i got out of her. well thanks for blaming everything on me hahahaha. cuz its all about you. you cant TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM here and decide to make a cameo appearance just to show a damn BONA FIDE. just hang out with me for 2 hours once in 10 months. I am not asking to hang out with you 3 nights a week! damn!
TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM baby. go through the motions once in 10 months! even women giving their husbands going through the motions sex do it like once every two months! you can hang out with me once in 10 months and me pushing for that shouldnt all be blamed on me being too pushy! take some damn ownership and responsibility here! this isnt about me or you, its about us hahahaha.
yeah i mentioned ownership and accountability in my neet interview today and I saw them write shit down as I mentioned good buzzwords, like proactive not reactive; show initiative and accountability; be transparent and communicative; take initiative to learn things for yourself; follow up and follow through. provide great service. empathize. listen actively. dont take emotions personally.
TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM AND HANG OUT WITH ME ONCE IN 10 MONTHS.
thats a good post title hahaha.
would i banish j00 josh silver from my white homeland? maybe, but it doesnt matter. i like that he was close with peter steele and also he works as a paramedic. being a MEDIC was his Plan B in life to take care of his family, which has now become his plan A. No J00s work as paramedics. they are all medica doctors. it is hard to find a less j00ish profession. you know who becomes paramedics? white party dudes who are too lazy to get a full degree and just want to make modest money and bang bitches. my friend and I always used to think we were such huge intellectuals because we went to college and knew the names of philosophers, while his younger brother was more of a “meathead jock” and banged hawt popular gurls and became a paramedic and made more money and banged better looking gurls than we did, hahahaha. with less brains and less education, hahaha. I was too immature to realize the younger brother was simply charismatic and a hard worker and very pragmatic. find something you can make ok money at without a 4 year degree. ok ill be a paramedic and have the excitement of saving peoples lives and just go to skool for 1 year.
well he did just that and has probably gotten promoted several times, maybe decided to Finish Up a useful health degree with tons of useful real world medic experience, and I think got engaged or married to some young hawt gurl. thankfully my friend, the older brother, is finally doing well with his career, but it was a kind of bumpy ride. but he made it and good for him. he might be able to get me an entry level customer service job if I am willing to leave my family behind hahahaha. maybe 10 years ago, maybe. but 10 years ago he was not in that position!
like 10 years ago I got approved to do an americorps program in rural oregon. I ultimately said no sorry. but now I kinda wish I had said yes. knowing what I do now, I would have said yes. how the hell did I convince them, over the phone, to say YES to ME???? I was even more autistic back then!!!!! or was I??? maybe I was more charismatic because I had been with a woman within 2 years and not 12 years hahahahahahahaha. and I still drank so maybe that made me more charismatic too. but i dont think it did…..
anyway i can respect a j00 that does a white mans working class job and did not face any j00ish career privilege hahaha. I guess they have those kid of j00s in new york, but they sure dont have them here. here all the j00s are medical doctors and make at least 100k a year and all live in their rich j00ish neighborhood. round here, j00ish is synonymous with SUPERRICH. maybe josh silver is an orthodox j00 hahahaha. or maybe his family disowned him because j00s arent supposed to get tattoos.
ok i see the cover art of slow deep and hard is actually a peepee pounding a poosay, exactly like something you woudl see in a porno, and which was probably taken from a porno mag. and that v shaped thing is an upside down cvnt flaps, while the lighter green stuff near the top, is the throbbing c0ck. most of the c0ck is buried in the cvnt whcih is upside down and at the bottom. INTRADASTING. i dunno, i refuse to look at porno any more, so i have no idea what Degenerate Coitus looks like. i just know that women dont care much about getting pregnant, because they can just murder their babies and not care.
i would have liked to do that to That Womans cvnt, but she is too busy letting tons of other men do that, including black men hahahahaha oy vey. ima racist and i dont CARE. i DONT CARE about being a racist! I just care that I was dumped and heartbroken much like peter steele except i wasnt able to create great music out of it, nor do i have access to the hordes of casual recreational gothic ass to pound, like he did.
i wonder if he ever truly loved a woman again, after he became a rockstar and had easy access to poosay. Or did he just start doing coke and banging sluts and groupies. funny I think that all started between “october rust” and “world coming down.” the real loss of innocence. i picture everything from bloody kisses thru the october rust tour to be good times. october rust being recorded in a whirlwind after a 2 year bloody kisses tour.
then that tour probably started out real fun then maybe devolved into coke and nihilistic hedonism, also some people were dying that peter knew, and that made him sad, and supposedly world coming down was a very negative and painful and bleak album. i dunno it doesnt seem any more painful than slow deep and hard tho lololololol. and DAT RIFF in “world coming down” is super duper catchy. anyway that is all speculation about what happened during that time. just that there had to have been a loss of innocence and youth at some point that happened sometime around 2000 and probably coincided with the coke. and peter blatantly went from looking young and secsy, to old and haggard. kinda like me. I was decent looking when I was young, but boy I aged about 20 years overnight and now look old and tired and dull. and at least pete was big and tall and could use that to pull gothic whores without effort.
TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM AND HANG OUT WITH ME ONCE IN TEN MONTHS.
not texting you 10 times a day what r u doing. who r you talking to. are you thinking about me. you should be. THAT is borderline shit. not me.
boy i hope that woman forwarded my email to the relevant parties. I should have asked each person directly for their emails. Or I should have asked the woman directly when I was there. come to think of it i didnt actually see her personally. she was in her cubicle hidden in back. then I waited out in this atrium, and the 3 other women on the whatever committee were in another room, and they came and got me.
yeah it was probably some kind of committee. i asked for a business card to try to imply i would send a thank you email but they didnt have any.
also i was rambling and not communicating like TRUMP.
oh well. neets dont get dressed up and go to interviews even where they talk like neet virgins.
so therefore im not a neet virgin. but i might be borderline hahahaha.
no the key flashcard there is, i am not borderline because….i was not paranoid about her abandoning me, and her abandoning me totally BLINDSIDED me.
yeah just other times when i was dumped, there was never the feeling that the woman hated me, or was upset with me, or that i did something really wrong. they ALWAYS made a clear, valid, good faith EFFORT to spare my feelings. and that’s really all I can ask for. in hindsight I appreciate it, even though I was VERY ANGRY at them at the time. AND I still blamed myself: if i were MANLIER, she wouldnt have dumped me. but AT LEAST she TRIED to be POLITE to me when she dumped me. Now I realize how damn important that is, and appreciate their efforts even more. they essentially showed some responsibility, some accountability, some OWNERSHIP over their own DECISIONS: like yes, I am owning up to my decision to dump you, it’s not your fault, if anything its MY fault. Im SORRY, but I just cant DO this.
thats ALL I wanted from her. amazing that an 18 year old gurl could be more mature and responsible than a 25 year old woman hahahaha.
oh shit got to remember to listen to this FALLOUT material from youtube. pre carnivore band featuring peter and josh da j00.
ok gonna try to do 1000 caljories now.