may 1

shit i hate being NEEDY. I NEED too much SUPPORT at work, especially emotional support.

so when I tried to get it from her, i was being too NEEDY and pushed her away.

well I spread my support out among several people so i didnt bother her so much.

and she had plenty of support herself with all her new work friends! i was kind butthurt and bitter that she was getting involved with a clique that did not involve me. like i got downgraded from real friend to work friend, and now I was getting downgraded from work friend to nothing.

i invited her to come to me for emotional support, probably to show that I wasn’t trying to be too needy and that I could give as good as I could get. but if she needed emotional support, she didnt want it from me! rather, the other men she didn’t have a history with! just clear the decks and start anew. throw away and forget the past. even when the past is right there saying please dont throw this away.

well she thought I BROKE THE RULES by getting feelings for her, so she gets to BREAK THE RULES by not having to talk to me at all.

yeah well I think thats a lot WORSE breaking of the rules than what I did.

but i also hate being NEEDY.

well NORMALLY im NOT THAT NEEDY. besides, how is it needy to want to hang out with a friend every once in a while? how is it NEEDY to want to hang out once in 10 months, or to be CONCERNED when you are being AVOIDED by someone that MATTERS to you?


ok tomorrow do clerical typing and computer test for city office clerk job tomorrow. i wish there was some kind of intermediate job between the 13 DAH part time job and the 37k a year FT “Senior Clerk” job.  why not a 28k a year Junior Clerk job???? I would feel much better about that.

women can just STOP luving you. its a much harder, longer, more painful process for a man. a man just cant SWITCH OFF his luv and loyalty. women can hahahaha. and in one day they are JUST DONE with you. i dont think its healthy or normal to be able to pull the plug that easily. show me this is painful for you too and then I wont think all women are sociopaths hahahaha.

yeah well i already know they arent. it just rocks your world when someone you thought wasnt like that, does something extremely disappointing and unexpected like that to YOU. She was a kind and caring person, and she was kind and caring to ME!!!!!! except in the end, when it really mattered.

basically I would need to find another Close Female Friend before I have the confidence needed to work in a Call Center again.

but thats a slippery slope. i must do this unreasonable thing before i can gain the confidnece needed to do reasonable thing I SHOULDNT NEED to do the unreasonable prerequisite first.


you can buy access to a mcgraww hill database of 30000 perfect phrases for $80 a year, hahahaha.

heh when you dump me, do so in a way that doesnt make me think you are a heartless bitch. woman2012 succeeded in giving me a very good dumping. good for her. i wish every woman could dump me like she did. that was a a MASTER COURSE in dumping the RIGHT way. total RESPECT for that hahahaha.

its not complicated, its not rocket science, even the average WOMAN is “intelligent” enough to figure it out.  it just takes some courage and maturity. some other things women are lacking in other than just intelligence hahaha. which are probably more important than intelligence!

i just hate that she beat me in the Competition of Life, in every way, and he leaving me in this way is like being a Bad Winner, who dumps insult upon the opponent they already soundly defeated!

its huge insult added to huge injury, by the injurer!

without the huge insult, getting over the injury would have taken less time.

and really its not fun to hate a person so much hahaha. i dont want to hate people. the only people i need to hate are the loud annoying smelly nonwhites who get on the treadmill right next to me hahaha. not white women I used to be good close friends with.

taking MJ makes it easier to Get Through One Day At A Time. that is its benefit. its cost is it turns you into a degenerate zombie loser, One Day At A Time.

so the guys on the fatherland say that now traditional, decent women are using tinder to find husbands, or that people are using it to find monogamous, longterm rels, and not just Chill Hangouts.

well its good that people are still getting together in mongamous rels, and subverting the degen intention of tinder.

however its bad for people like me who though tinder signalled “i am a degen, stay away from me,” because now there are nondegen infiltrators in there.

and I guess you could signal that easily, like say “i am a nondegenerate infiltrator who is not the typical tinder degenerate. I am NOT looking for casual fooking, i am looking for a traditional longterm monogamous rel” right on your profile.

but women are so ambiguous you cant tell the good ones from the bad ones! the good ones dont proclaim their goodness loud enough! or they just say they are looking for “new friends” the same as the degen women say! you have to say a little MORE to DIFFERENTIATE yourself!!!!!!! you dont WANT to be lumped in with those WHORES, do you??!?!?!?!?!

you have to be actively against that shit. say it loud and say it proud: I AM NOT A WHORE!!!!!

well her being a whore was not the problem. if i start thinking she is a whore, then i miss the POINT.

but she might be becoming a whore.

but thats still not the point.

ooo found a good site.

what to do when NOBODY can answer a customers question.

uhh get a digital scale if you can spare 20 buck so that way you can measure out foods to the gram and keep non meal snacks down to 100 calories. cuz like a serving of ice cream or cereal or nutz is like 150 or 180 calories. nope too much. try to aim for 100.

ok she HAS been legit betrayed by people before. so it makes sense that her betrayal meter is over calibrated, and that she registers a false positive. thinks someone is betraying her when theyre really not. because shes been betrayed SO many times before. people just like to take advantage of her like this. the eternal victim haha.

everybody betrayed her now one of her closest friends betrayed her too. boo hoo. hahahahaha.

ok this actually makes a LOT of sense. good perspective for me to have.

and though she would be too stubborn to admit shes wrong……shes mroe likely to be too BLIND and ignorant and damaged and imperceptive to even REALIZE that she’s wrong.

i just went apeshit because she was the first attractive and eventually available woman to be NICE to me in 11 years hahahaha. well, in 3 years actually hahahaha. see its not as bad as I first said. its not 11 years, its only THREE years. it had been 11 years since I had some sort of action with a woman, NOT the last time an attractive woman had been NICE to me haha.

i have been a pretty uncreepy guy cuz i havent kept fighting her, havent kept contact her, stalking her.

but BOY have I EVER been moaning and complaining in semiprivate! writing and thinking abotu it SO MUCH! I’m just not directing any of it to her. I’m not writing her long complaining emails erry day.

so she has NO right to say that I am taking it badly and acting creepy cuz i havent said one god damn word to her since my final email 8.6 months ago.

but it would be nice if she were bitching about ME so much to all her family and new friends that they were like ok enough already im sick of hearing about it, besides, he didnt do anything THAT bad, hahahaha.

but NO. that would involve CARING, and as we know, men care for women 900000000000000000000 times more than women care for men! women dont love men! women are cold callous sociopaths! hahahaha.

CALLOUS that is a good word for her coldness hahaha.

im not saying there are never customers that are unreasonable. in fact in some workplaces or departments, most customers are going to be unreasonable. I’m just saying that in our department I didnt think most of our callers were unreasonable. and in general I dont think people are going to call tech support unless they have an actual problem. now SOME idiots call about the coffee cup holder, but not most.

how the fook does SHE explain shit? does she actually read perfect phrases for customer service BOOKS like I do? FOOK NO!!!!!!!!!

yeah she had some family stress so i feel somewhat bad about putting this extra pressure on her.

but another way of looking at it is, this was a much easier to deal with stressor for her. it was something much more in her power to deal with. it might have been EASIER compared to the family thing.

or maybe she was acting out and showing her CONTROL over My situation, by not doing anything, to react to her LACK of control over the family situation! she wanted to put ME at HER mercy, the way SHE was at the mercy of THAT!

maybe, maybe. I will never know!

aaaaannnnndddd i wouldnt be asking myself all these stupid unanswerable what if questions if she had just talked to me and ended it like a normal person! thats right! I think even NORMIES know better than to do this! SHE was acting like a WEIRDO!!!!!!

i mean me liking her was just a minor annoyance compared to a more serious tragedy in her family.

OF COURSHE i should have been more……something??? i dunno i WAS sensitive to the tragedy in her family though. that was kind of an ongoing situation though. really not the type of thing you could be proactive about at all. there weren’t any conversations that could be had. really totally powerless and just waiting for the next thing to happen.

kind of like how i felt with her hahahha. except i did have the power. i just didnt exercise it. because i needed to courageously put my foot down and say THIS ENDS NOW.

because anything else, she would DEFLECT and DODGE. well, more like tell me what i wanted to hear: yes, we WILL hang out SOMEDAY. SOMEDAY. maybe she actually believed it. ya know, i think she really did believe it. I definitely believed it.

the stuff they do isnt INTENTIONAL. they dont know the reason they do what they do. they dont do it on purpose. everything is covert and unintentional and accidental.  you never know and THEY never know.

there is no more effective assassin than one who does not KNOW they are an assassin hahaha.

there is no better liar than one who does not KNOW they are lying hahaha.

yes i KNOW its not really a LIE if you THINK its the truth.

im just saying women are so confused and ignorant they never know what the truth is!!!!

not all women are like that!!!!! hahaha.