SERIOUS ISSUES DESERVE SERIOUS REFLECTION

may 13

yeah buddy. had nyquil last night, went to bed at 9 pm hahaha.

ultimately i think MJ is MUCCHHHHH better than nyquil for sleeping. the tolerance with nyquil starts IMMEDIATELY and so does the dependence, meaning, the first night without nyquil….you can’t sleep and want to tak nyquil. but if you did, you’d have to take a lot more than you did last night. its so much easier and simpler to just sm0ke MJ hahaha.

maybe theres really more transgenders than we know. maybe 50% of people are trans but they are just too scared to Come Out. well I can tell you I am not transgender hahaha. I dont really care about being super masculine, and that has indeed hurt me significantly as a man…..but I still dont want to be a woman at ALL.

also I’m not supper F4GGY. really I just seem like a sensitive, Nice, shy Straight Man, nothing more, nothing less. not flamingly feminine. i appreciate masculinity and being a man. i appreciate guns and weight lifting and testosterone and toughness and stoicism and logic and honor. these are serious man things. nontoxic masculinity hahaha.

applied for typist clerk 3 for county dept. the county always has perfect jobs for me. entry level GED shit, full time, 25-30 grand a year.

applied for that one. applied for 9 similar jobs with the county, no response on any of them. maybe my materials are missing that special it factor. I have stopped sending them txt files and started with doc files. including linkedin profile. started including 1 letter of recommendation. what the fook do they want.

someone on a nile video remarked that karl sanders looks kinda like TRUMPENFUHRER. that was hilarious and kind of true. that makes me like both guys more hahaha.  some metal idiot responded they should replace trump with sanders. karl not bernie hahahahahaha. real clever, guy.

but i also find it nice that karl sanders is 50+ years old and he is still making raging death metal. before nile he played in a “thrash” band, and the first nile demo in 1994 was not br00tal at all. so nile became MORE br00tal and extreme than they were at the beginning. and karl is 52 years old and has those nice deep death metal vocals. and he still looks good! he does not look 52 years old.

but yeah I like how they blatantly have tons of fun at their live shows rather than trying to look all tough and grim. many years later and many of the exact same albums later hahahaha karl is grinning ear to ear and knows that he is blessed hahaha. however I do hope he is a good husband and father, which is tough when you are away from home more often than not. very tough.

and i do like how he looks like a big technically fat potato. i mean at his age he really should try to lose a little weight hahaha. but he still looks happy and healthy and he’s not grossly obese or anything. he’s just… a little fat. he certainly has the charisma and personality to pull an attractive woman however.

well its nice to have a mancrush. nice to have a womancrush too hahahaha.

for me it helps a lot in approaching niles music to imagine big jolly karl sanders playing it. without that, the music sounds kind of ridiculous just like the negative reviews so succinctly put it. riff cramming, style over substance, obnoxious, boring, hahahaha.

also the guy is white as hell. he is so white he is almost albino and his hair remains ridiculously blond in his old age.

just a great guy. well, i hope he is. i hope he’s not a degen alcoholic or something. plus constant touring is not really the greatest lifestyle. he certainly has a NEAR OCCASION to sin with sluts and drugs. hopefully he doesnt.

might try their 2015 album, hear it is a little rawer? less click clacky?  i dunno. but it would be worth listening to whilst doing my 2.5 mile jog eh?

great entry to my what to say in interview file:::

may 13 2016

When you go to mechanic, its because you don’t have the knowledge, skills, and tools to diagnose, understand, and fix the problem with your car. you trust that you are bringing your car to skilled, trained professionals who know what they are doing. Now imaging you were hired by that mechanic into their job. Now the curtain is lifted and the great and powerful oz is revealed to be no different that you. The expert is no different from the customer.

it would be difficult to get away with this in the auto repair industry, although we might see some parallels in tire shops and oil change shops and other low-level price-point service shops which don’t require ASE-certified mechanics.

we can easily imagine the customer’s perspective here, of using a mechanic who doesn’t seem to know what they were doing. You would be frustrated at the company and rightfully want to speak to a manager. You would lose faith in the company. You would wonder, rightfully, what’s the difference between this and just doing it myself? I am paying for expertise and skilled labor. If I wanted unskilled, amateur service…..I’d try to fix my car myself.

It’s harder to put yourself in the shoes of the mechanic in that situation. But when you are a new employee being thrown in to the deep end, that is what it feels like. You feel like you simply don’t have the knowledge and skills to do what your customers are asking you to do. You feel in over your head and totally unprepared and unprofessional.

In this case you need to stay calm and teach yourself as much as possible, and sacrifice your personal time to get up to speed, power through the learning curve, hit the ground running, and be able to provide real value and skill for your customers and your company.

it also helps to have experienced colleagues who can sign off on your work and advise you once in a while…..however you must not use them as a crutch, because they will not always be there for you. you have to take initiative and learn your job inside and out, so you can work independently and not have your hand held. you have to figure out solutions on your own and have an inquisitive, curious nature to find out the answers to your question. This may involve reading, research and study outside of your shift. You have to be willing to do the reps in order to gain the muscle. You have to be willing to do the HOMEWORK in order to do well on the EXAMS.

END///////

pretty sweet eh.

I was getting the oil change and thinking, why dont I just do this myself. you think some 18 year old Lube Tech making 10 DAH knows any more than I do? they probably just threw him out there on his first day and said ok start changing oil. and he had no more knowledge or experience than I have.

but then the mechanic came in and said come out here i wanna show you something, ok heres an impact bubble on this tire which is not on the other tires. he’s some corrosion on the battery terminal which you can scrub out with some coca cola. a lotta places might not tell you this stuff, but I believe that honestly isn’t just the best policy…..ITS THE ONLY POLICY. and he looked deadly serious. he is either the most evil crooked bullshitter on the face of the earth, or, he was just as serious and principled as I am. “I agree completely” I told him, and thanked him for his transparency. because i do agree. that is the same way I would try to do my job. I dont want to bullshit people, I dont want to hide shit. I want to share knowledge and make sure everyone is on the same page.

this gave me confidence and faith in that mechanic, and in the business as a whole. I wouldnt want to patronize a business that had untrained kids doing stuff. I will pay more to get competent, trained technicians.

OTHERWISE I WOULD JUST DO IT MYSELF.

This was the feeling I got every day in my job: “I have no clue, why are you asking me? oh wait. its my JOB to fix this. well I dont know any more than this caller. they MIGHT AS WELL TRY FIXING IT THEMSELVES. I don’t have any special knowledge or training that they do. they have used the program more than I do. I don’t even KNOW what theyre talking about, how am I supposed to FIX this?”

i did not like that feeling hahahahaha. at all.

these people wanted help, and i wanted to help them, and helping them was  TECHNICALLY my job, but I didnt know how to help them, and I couldnt get great help on how to help them, meaning often peopel didnt really get helped. but as long as everything was documented and metrics were met, that’s all that mattered.

my female friend didnt want to give me moral support and she was not able to give me technical support. her response was to laugh sheepishly with her cute little laugh and say idk just go with the flow dont worry so much.

so I looked elsewhere for moral support and technical support and found some very competent smart men I felt comfortable Talking Shop with. thank GOD for them! like me, they wanted to really fix problems and really know how to fix shit and help people. the buck stops here. i am the same way. i will go all out to help people and i dont like when the company stands in the way of that.  time is money goy tick tock. youve been on this call for 21 minutes, is everything all right?

and sometimes you WANT to escalate it but are getting pushback…..and other times you WANT to figure it out but the problem is just that weird.  either way it results in a long call which will get you noticed by Quality.

and then the whole department was shut down to Cut Costs and DOZENS of GREAT people are permanently out of a job and the tier 1 operations will likely be outsourced to the same vendor they were already bringing in………(but still americans thank god, just even worse trained than we were)…..and the company employees who call in for service will NEVER KNOW. Well, unless an old school tech TELLS them: you know they closed a center so those good people you got last year? theyre all gone, never to come back. if you call in with any issue, the tier 1 person you speak to WILL be a third party vendor contractor. 100% chance, not just a 70% chance hahahaha.

why not outsource everything? its like the EMR tech support company who outsourced their hiring to the temp agency because they couldnt “get good enough people on their own”. the temp agency who wanted to hire me in for 17 bucks an hour, at the very poorly reviewed call center, where the very few people who had been around for 2 years, were actually started in at 12.50 and havent gotten any raises, and are understandably upset at the new people who make much more.

this is kinda weird, usually its the other way around. keep cutting and cutting the wages for new hires, not RAISING them.

i dunno. if i had more confidence, like SHE does, then I woulda had a much easier time saying yes to that job. I wish I had as much confidence as her hahaha or any normie.

goddam cvnt!!! how can she be so irreplaceable to me but i am so replaceable to her! same thing with the other cvnts! looks like they are more replaceable than I thought they were! just like every other cvnt hahahaha. but really. anyone that knows and has ever appreciates me, KNOWS that I cannot be replaced. only women have ever treated me like that hahaha.

heh. maybe she realizes that I am irreplaceable….. but she still wants to be done with me anyway.

Just like how I appreciate that all the friends I used to have that I drifted away from, I knew they were irreplaceable too.

so they weren’t important enough for me to care?

well that sounds terrible. well its A LOT DIFFERENT when you drift apart vs something like this.

so….either i did something so abonimably obscene and unforgivable that me begging im sorry im sorry please forgive me please respond would get me nothign……… or she was scared and overwhlemed and ran away forever like a scared animawish she’d come to her senses after some time has passes however. l. which sounds more plausible.

i just wish she would have come back AFTER she was done being scared and overwhelmed, and jsut sent me a message trying to do the right thing. like wait a month, even two months, and take 5 minutes to shoot off an email saying Im sorry for running away, i just wanted to say sorry and have a good life, we had a good friendship and i understand if you got feelings for me, i guess it just happens sometimes. when i am pretty, AND nice, AND not a whore hahahahaha.

i mean really. she should have guys falling in luv with her left and right. she is pretty, AND young, AND really nice, AND not a whore. every guy she meets should be falling in luv with her. maybe they do and she is just too oblivious. or maybe she just tries really hard to ignore and avoid it hahahaha.

i mean the only men who wouldnt like her, are the ones who deliberately like Huge Sluts. Really Slutty and Bitchy gurls. some guys do. they don’t like nice sweet gurls. and they dont like gurls who dont dress or act like sluts. they wouldnt like her then.

but i am so not one of those guys. I like nice sweet gurls, and who dont dress or act like sluts. no surprise that I fell in luv with her then.

well I have to go to the fat club here and burn 1000 calkories.

 

 

 

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ABANDONING A FRIEND IS NOT THE SAME THING AS ESCAPING AN ABUSER

may 4

Awesome post I just made in that epic despair forums thread:::::::::::::::::::::::

excellent points! I think a fair amount of people might arrive at MRA or MGTOW after repeated disappointments, rejections, and failures with women. I know I did! But as I have become more of a “traditionalist white knight”, I have moved away from that element, saying “wow, these guys really DO look like a bunch of basement-dwellers who are trying to make themselves feel better about their total failure with women, by building it into a social, political, philosophical movement. And I don’t want to be one of those bitter, butthurt neckbeard woman-haters, etc….”  Possibly myself buying into the negative stereotypes about MRAs!

But I think a lot of us don’t avoid unflinching, brutal self-examination either: “I keep getting rejected, maybe the common denominator here is me!” In fact, this first brought me to “Game” when I was a fairly young man, before I moved to MRA/MGTOW.  I thought, maybe there’s something I’m doing wrong, I hate to be a victim of circumstance, maybe I can take some responsibility/ownership/agency over this.

Game is controversial for many reasons: it’s dishonest, manipulative, insincere, mechanical, amoral, immoral, creepy, etc. I had no interest in the most extreme “Pick Up Artists” and I preferred more “intelligent” writers like Heartiste/Roissy. Also there was the sense of “I’m not THAT weird and creepy, I’m basically a decent person, I can make regular friends, do I really have to completely retrain my brain just become attractive to women? Is it really supposed to be this hard? It’s not that complicated, I’m just shy around women! Millions of men have been through this!”

For me, the most important lesson I took out of Game could be boiled down into two words: Be Masculine. (or, Be Confident.) As a not super-masculine guy, that is probably where Game could help me the most. But just like hardcore MGTOW, I think one can get tunnel-vision if they spend too much time reading this kind of stuff.

Game eventually brought me to MRA and MGTOW, as I wasn’t just concerned about my own personal failure to attract women, but also the broader consequences of feminism and strained male/female relationships on society at large.

But I wonder if Game implies more of a sense of personal agency than MRA/MGTOW (sorry to lump those two terms together, I know not all MRA’s are MGTOWs, haha), in the sense that Game says here’s a problem I have some control over, while MRAs might say, the system is rigged against us, and there’s nothing we can do but just stay away, not get involved.

For me, much of it was partially related to my own resentment about my own constant failure with women. I don’t regret the time I spent in these movements, as they have taught me many useful things about a “red pill” perspective. But some of Game and some of MRA were too much of a “black pill” for me: watching the world burn, enjoying the decline, nihilistic, Fight Club, Joker sort of mentality.

Now, I do realize we are possibly living in the Kali Yuga and have to “Ride the Tiger” as Evola says, hahaha, but now I believe that men and women can be partners in this struggle.

I’ve just tried to integrate it all into an ongoing synthesis. I’m not a helpless victim of big bad women or misandrist society, and could probably improve my results with women by taking personal action on very “simple” things like be more masculine, be more confident.

However, we DO live in a “fallen world” where the dating scene seems very grim and disgusting: people having casual sex with multiple people they meet on Tinder, women being fooled by shallow caricatures of masculinity rather than choosing a more healthy masculinity. (Choosing “thugs” and “Bad boys” and “deadbeat losers” over more reliable men. This can also come from not having good masculine role models growing up, such as a decent father.)

However, I also fully appreciate women’s role as the Choosers in mating, simply because women bear all the reproductive risks of getting pregnant. It frustrates me that many women don’t seem to understand this, though. All the contraceptive technology and changing attitudes about sex will NEVER change the fact that women are the ones who get pregnant, which essentially makes them the choosers. So when some women say “The double standard is BS, women should be able to have casual sex just like men,” I shake my head sadly and view it almost like a “baby with a gun”, meaning they don’t realize the awesome power they hold. With great power comes great responsibility, haha.

Basically, I just wanted to bleat about my own special snowflake perspective on relationships, haha!  My personal opinion is that a healthy, loving relationship is a beautiful, possibly sacred thing, and is a goal very much worth struggling and sacrificing toward, and I have accepted that it’s not supposed to come easily. (However, I never thought it would be this difficult, and it’s very hard not to compare yourself to others: oh look, that person is only 22 and they have been in a relationship for 4 years, I would really like to know what that’s like, someone to cuddle with who doesn’t immediately dump you, bla bla bla.) The changing sexual attitudes in society have also been very damaging to both men and women, under the guise of “liberation” and “freedom” and “equality” and “exploration/discovery”.

I would like to get married (probably not a legal or state-sanctioned marriage, haha) and have children, as I see children and family-building to be a very natural and beautiful step in the Circle of Life, haha, which is just as naturally and beautifully preceded by a healthy, committed relationship to act as a foundation for that family. Yeah I admit this is very idealized, fairy tale sort of stuff, but I HAVE seen normal everyday average people who generally embody these ideals. Basically just try not to have children with a deadbeat, haha, but we can also see around us many sad examples of people who have hit this pitfall.

But I also think some MRA/MGTOWs come across as bitter and woman-hating and think All Women Are Like That (AWALT/NAWALT/etc.) I too am bitter, and especially bitter right now, as I am still very much struggling with a HUGE bitter heartbreak, and REALLY trying not to let that influence my opinion of other women. But I really don’t want to BE a woman-hater. It’s really no fun, haha. I don’t want to hate women! I also don’t want to keep a “safe distance” from women. I really would prefer to have women in my life rather than not.

I’ve never been sure How Many Women Are Like That: 51%? 49%? 80%? 99.9%? 10%? I just can’t get a good read on that, and that actually gives me hope. Like if I truly believed 99.9% of women were two-faced evil scammers…I would essentially already be a woman-hater, haha. In other words, I believe the number is much more likely to be closer to 50% than to 99%…..and I am cautiously optimistic it could be well below 50%!  (Whenever I don’t know what a proportion might be, I always assume 50%, and then hope to be pleasantly surprised, hahaha.)

I have been moving away from “egalitarianism” however, in that I believe we need to fully embrace the differences between men and women. Women can get pregnant and therefore have the right to choose their mate…..but with that comes the responsibility to treat sex very carefully and to choose wisely. And men do have the responsibility to protect and provide for their woman. Also I believe women are more inclined to groupthink and conformity, so when our society is promulgating some very disturbing attitudes, women may be less inclined to question that mainstream authority, while Serious Men such as ourselves think much more deeply on the the implications, haha.

I get sad when I see MGTOWs in their 40s and beyond. I think it’s a shame this man didn’t get married and have children, he would probably be a great husband and father. Well….some MGTOWs, haha. I much prefer a guy like Bernard Chapin to Bar Bar, for example. So I am personally thankful that I “moved on” from MGTOW well before age 35, hahaha. Also it’s sad to see 18 year old boys proclaiming themselves as MGTOWs. Yes there are crazy risks in getting involved with the wrong women, and yes our society can give incentives to tempt women over to “the dark side”, but I firmly believe the potential rewards of a good wife and family outweigh the risks of having your life ruined by a Borderline Personality. There is really no reason to “give up” on women.

But yeah, I hear ya! I totally understand that one’s own personal experiences can deeply influence the way we view the world, for better and for worse. The same thing happened to me!  And as you move through life, your viewpoint can change over time. For example, I have not become any more successful with women, but I think my view of women has actually become more positive.  (Not that we should avoid “pessimistic realism” just because it is pessimistic, or avoid talking about very real and serious problems!)

Also if you have any tendency towards Aspergers/autism/spectrum that can definitely play an important role. Some speculate that autism is a “hyper-masculine” way of viewing the world, in the sense of logic, reason, thinking, possibly overthinking, haha, and also really struggling with relationships. And it’s certainly true autism spectrum conditions are MUCH more prevalent in men than in women. (I think, haha. Too lazy to find a good source.) This may all make the somewhat Aspergery man feel very alienated from women, which IMHO is not a good feeling!

I’ve also heard anecdotes of autistic men who do very well with women, simply because they always speak their mind and seem to have great confidence, don’t care what other people think, etc. But I’m guessing this is moreso the exception than the rule, and that these men are probably skewed towards being very physically attractive.

ANYWAY I don’t want to get off topic too much, but the themes in this thread are right in my wheelhouse, haha. Also I want to give a more “fair and balanced” view of MRA/MGTOW to the women, as this is not a men-only forum, and over the past several years, I’ve seen mentions of MRA in surprisingly mainstream media (or comment sections of), and they are always stereotyped as paranoid women-haters who can’t get over their own failure with women and therefore paint all women with the same brush. So I wanted to defend the legitimate concerns of MRAs, while at the same time admitting that yes, there can be a component of personal issues with women. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, haha.

As always feel free to keep this epic thread going!

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////END AUSTRALIAN QUALITYPOST

the OP is a spergy 30 year old virgin who is into some mgtow stuff and i can relate quite a bit to him, except he is more spergy, and more bipolar. and more mgtow. i am trying to gradually pull him over to white knight white nationalism hahahahaha, but he is probably too much in an misanthropic black pill nihilistic libertarian phase. maybe i will get banned from the forum for my woman-hating hahaha.

god forbid youre a woman hater, hahaha.

no i;m not really a woman hater! i’d much rather be remembered as a Huge Racist, than a woman hater!

im a sexist sure, but not a woman HATER!!!!

i’m a racist sure! but i dont…..well im dismayed by nonwhites in my neighborhood being annoying, and i am hugely dismayed by white women being huge whores. i dont like seeing women of my race throwing themselves away (and by extension, our race.) (but I guess even though women create life, the responsibility falls on the man to really guide the preservation of our race. and this has been real hard for me to come to terms with. how can women, who can get pregnant, who bear all the risks, not care about their race at all? i’m not sure. i’ll never be sure. but they just don’t.)

WELL….some women do. SOME women are still sensible enough to not even WANT to mudshark. SOME women are sensible enough to want to date men ONLY of their race. i just need to find those type of women, those are definitely my type of women.

its not just perception. its that rejection and loss is LEGIT PAINFUL.

its like you dont tell somebody with cancer to just get over it, cancer is legit horrible!

ok rejection and loss is not THAT bad, but its still legit pretty bad! it’s not all a matter of perception!

when somebody important LEAVES you in such a CALLOUS, SUDDEN way!

It’s not ESCAPING AN ABUSER. This is called ABANDONING A FRIEND. two very different things.

It’s not that I had no ownership over my feelings. It’s just that she had SOME ownership over my feelings too, because she was the one who rejected me! and she made no effort to be nice about it!

i wasnt asking her to not reject me! I was asking her to reject me a LITTLE nicer!!!!!

thats what i want her to understand! and the court of women to understand! I’m mature and reasonable enough to know I can’t EXPECT someone to LOVE me! But I CAN SORT OF expect someone ive known a long time and not abused or betrayed, to reject me a little more considerately!!!!!

but life isnt fair!

but nobody deserves this! life being unfair doesnt give anyone the RIGHT to BE unfair!

and i deserved better treatment from a friend of 2.7 years!

shit yeah i am harping on that point but thats my best argument.

really? THATS my BEST argument?

well its not a BAD argument, is it?

a better way to phrase it would be: we were friends for 2.7 years, couldnt you even write ONE EMAIL? ONE TEXT? ONE WORD?

wow. my RAM came in on wednesday and I quickly installed it without issue. even though i had never done this before. that was kind of confidence building but I wouldnt want to walk OTHER people through it! I didnt even realize that you couldnt used DDR3 with DDR2 motherboards! i thought things were Cross Compatible!

good thing I got the right kind of memory and it was recognized by the computer!

still dont know what SODIMM is. i just know now that DDR, 2, and 3 have the little notches in different places so they wouldnt even FIT in a different slot, youd have to BREAK it.

download SPECCY from piriform to show you all the specs of your computer that windows wont show you hahahahaha. like if you have DDR2 or DDR3 RAM. what your version of BIOS is.

i cant explain any of this stuff. I just know Its A Thing. I dont CARE to UNDERSTAND it. i’d like to see HER explain it.

id like if she would just talk to me wawawawawawawawawawawawawa

the right person wouldnt need to come BACK to you, because they would never LEAVE you in the first place.

or if they did, you would probably be in communication with the person and there would be a lot of mutual struggle back and forth.

not them not contacting you for 9 months. at that point they are not gonna come back. you shouldnt WANT them back!!!!!! but i do.

oh yeah. lyin ted dropped out. did i mention that? that is YUGE. i did not expect that at ALL. I thought he would fight right up to the convention. I mean this is good news, cant stump the trump hahaha.

something would be wrong with you if you DIDNT feel severe pain after a big loss. this is normal and healthy for humans. its not just PERCEPTION or ATTITUDE. when you Lose a Loved One you SHOULD be sad, sometimes VERY sad. And I’d rather be TOO sad than not sad enough! at least I know Im not a sociopath! SHES not sad ENOUGH!!!!! or maybe she is, shes just not telling anyone, hahaha. keeps the pain bottled up and just goes out and fooks and pretends everythings ok. fooks some random guys, creates a few random lives, gets a few random abortions, no big deal.

hahahaha. yeah I will never shy away from portraying women as not being respectful of Life. they live in a Culture of Death.

To That Woman:

I don’t really need to know or want to know WHY, I have a pretty good idea why, you were just overwhelmed and ran away. I just wanted you to Acknowledge my pain and feel a little sorry for my pain, because I felt great pain when you rejected me. Rejection is naturally, normally painful. I was responsible for managing my emotions and feelings, but I think you were responsible for treating me in a respectful way, and I just don’t feel that happened. Think if you were being rejected and didnt want a relationship to end. How would you want THEM to do it to you? And then try to act that way to me. Its just simple golden rule stuff. It’s not easy though, it does take courage, and I haven’t always had courage either.  It was just really painful for me and I wish you cared more about me and my pain. also when you do this, it makes me think I meant nothing to you, but I know I did. So I feel you are denying that I meant anything to you. I mean just as a friend. We werent just passing acquaintances or random people. We were both important friends to each other. When you lose an important person like that it is very painful. I really tried to handle this by talking to you and writing to you. I wish you hadnt turned away and blocked out everything I was trying to say to you. I think what I was saying was worth hearing, and our relationship was valuable enough not to be thrown away in the blink of an eye. We had something really special. Even just in terms of friendship. A friendship IS a kind of relationship, and it can be very very important. I thought we had that. I’d like to move forward in my life knowing that I was once an important person for you. I could never deny you were an important person for me. Just try to show some more concern for me as a human being. You sure used to. This is very hard for me and you truly do have the power to make it a little better for me, and I’d really appreciate it if you did. It’s just not right to block somebody like this unless they are ABUSING you. I’m not abusing you. I was just trying to communicate about an important issue that was affecting BOTH of us.

It just seems you have no conscience towards me. I just wish you felt worse about doing this to me. I mean you do have the power to talk to me. You just choose not to because its the path of least resistance. please show me some more courage than that. this is the last you’ll ever have to deal with me. Wouldnt you rather handle this in a good way than in a bad way? It’s really not like you to just leave me hurting. I know you don’t like me back but don’t punish or hate me for liking you. liking a person is a lot better than just blocking and avoiding them. Has me liking you hurt you nearly as much as you blocking me has hurt me?  I wish you were just willing to talk to me. this is just confusing and mind boggling for me. we used to talk about some pretty important things. lets just do that again, one more time, for the last time.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201410/whats-the-best-way-you-end-relationship

here are some good pointers on how to end a relationship in a healthy way.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully

Or here. Or also ask someone in your family the best way to dump someone.

Basically, have a conversation in person, and allow the other person to be upset.

END LETTER PORTION hahahaha

Yeah I gotta do that more often. just write a paragraph a day. in letter form. addressing it directly to the person you cannot speak to, that really does help.

GRIP IT AND RIP IT.

I just wish women ACTED like they CARED about getting pregnant sometimes. Like WOW, thats a big deal, so I’m not gonna have casual sex. Becuase I dont want to get pregnant, I dont want to have any abortions, I dont want to use plan B.

I forgot plan B. Some women are so casual about getting Plan B that its Chilling. When I was in college I was hanging out with a female friend (who I did not have feelings for, and who was having Secs with other men, and I didn’t really care, because I didnt want to be having secs with her!) and she said, welp I gotta swing by planned parenthood and get some plan B. uhhhhh ok I said. and she did.

later I realized my ideal woman would not be so casual about swinging by planned parenthood and getting some plan b after a night with me, hahahaha. she would have better control over her body and say, ok Im on the Rag right now so its best that we wait a few days until that’s over, because when it comes to getting preggers, I DONT PLAY AROUND.

shit. if women cared about getting pregnant as much as I CARE about GETTING THEM PREGNANT…….women would me muuuuuuuch more sexually moral and the world would be a better place.

WOMEN SHOULD CARE ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT AS MUCH AS MEN CARE ABOUT GETTING THEM PREGNANT. 

yeah that is gonna become a post title soon hahahaha.

of course many MEN dont care either. theyre like, welp thats her problem, not mine. let her get the plan b or abortion.

I mean im the type of guy who wouldnt THINK of not wearing a rubber, because I don’t trust the woman to not have a disease! I don’t trust the woman to be on the pill! Besides, I don’t really like the pill anyway, I would prefer women dont take the pill. so it was kinda weird to hear my female friends in College talking about the pill and the Ring and Birth Control. and then god forbid plan B. plan B’s even worse, because its not just a Contraceptive, its an ABORTIFACIENT. I bet she would be too dumb to tell you the difference hahahaha.

Right To Choose and Abortion has just been brainwashed into women from a young age that they CANT EVEN SEE THE MORAL ASPECTS of the question. They’re just like, oh this is something modern women have the privilege to do. only religious freaks and women haters say other wise.

whereas if you really got them to THINK about it, really THINK about When Does Life Begin, you could probably convince a lot of women that Abortion is Wrong and thank God I never got an abortion before I realized how wrong it was.

So yeah I like that religious bullshit like make the woman look at an ultrasound first and read this pro-life material first.

that’s probably misogynist of me to think that women DONT EVEN THINK about it. how could you NOT think about it?

Well I honestly think many women try NOT to think about it because they’re afraid they might not be able to go through with it, if they thought about it enough. just get it done quickly before you change your mind. then once youve done it once, well, youve killed your child, no turning back now, hahahaha, you can do it again if needed.

its hard to know what the average woman thinks about abortion anyway. its not exactly an easy discussion to have with a woman.

i mean when i was in college and all the women were on BC and were raging leftists in luv with Barry and hating G Dubs, yeah it was pretty clear they were pro-murder hahahha. but that didnt mean they actually did it themselves.

Besides just because a woman votes for a shitty leftist doesnt mean she luvs abortion. i mean many women are so stupid theyll just vote for hillary because shes a woman. but they might not luv abortion per se. just vote for the woman who luvs abortion hahahaha.

just saying MY ideal woman would go on the record as being against abortion, think its horrible, and would have never done it.

its IMPORTANT and if ANYONE should have a STRONG OPINION on abortion, its WOMEN. I dont really want to think about it is NOT a valid answer.

Just like I would rather not know mudsharks or high-number sluts, I would rather not know any women who have gotten Abortions.

maybe if they had gotten “only” one and they were deeply remorseful for it.

i would still prefer zero abortions. OBVIOUSLY.

Shit one abortion is probably worse than being with one black guy , hahahahaha.

I will also forgive ONE black guy, especially if the woman is remorseful, like yeah that was a bad idea, i’ll never do that again, it’s only white guys from here on out. never again.

How much sluttiness would I forgive. not sure. def not more than 20 guys.

again, the POINT is they are GENUINELY REMORSEFUL. They say, that was a TERRIBLE IDEA. NEVER AGAIN. not “it was a phase.” or “i was young.” or especially “i don’t regret it.” NO. I WANT YOU TO REGRET IT. THATS THE WHOLE POINT.

I can admit when I was wrong, why cant you do the same?

I have regrets, why can’t you admit you have regrets?

this “no regrets” shit is STUPID.

DECENT PEOPLE HAVE REGRETS. 

also will be a poast title soon hahaha.

so yeah the way that woman dealt with this situation makes me wonder if she has the COURAGE NECESSARY to confront TOUGH MORAL QUESTIONS like playing the life creation game, slutting it up, mudsharking, abortions. we know she’s already mudsharked once! not cool at all! and i have no idea if she has remorse about mudsharking itself…..or if she just didnt like THAT guy and would still Fook OTHER black guys. is this REALLY the type of woman I want to be my WIFE, the MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN???!!?!?!?!  I couldn’t even trust her not to MVRDER those children!!!!!!

I thank GOD I’ve never had to be in an abortion situation, where I got a gurl preggers and we had to Decide What To Do…..even though ultimately it was up to her.

And I hope to never BE in that situation.

And so I wonder……how many women in My Generation have gotten abortions? 50%? that would be 2spooky5me!

how many men of my generation have knocked up a gurl and she got an abortion?

has it happened to my male friends? I’m not even CLOSE enough with anyone that they would tell me something like that.

And I feel I was once at the level of closeness with That Woman that she might have been able to tell me something like that.

I mean its DEFINITELY a conversation you should have if you are thinking about MARRYING someone!

I never told you i had an abortion because you never asked hahahahaha. I never told you Ive been with 20 black guys because you never asked!!!!

out of sight, out of mind. if she could ABORT me, she probably could ABORT a BABY too. Do I really want to be with someone like that? Do I really want to be with someone who could ABORT a relationship period? Do I want to be with someone who aborted ME??!?!?!?!?!?!?! That might be a bridge too far. There might be no reconciliation for that. well….. i forgive her….but she hasnt expressed any WANT for forgiveness!

when you ABORT someone, you SHOULD feel bad and seek forgiveness! many women who get abortions feel terrible and guilt and take a long time to forgive themselves and they beg for forgiveness from GOD. sometimes it makes their “relationship” with GOD stronger. and then you better believe they thing about the moral implications of ABORTION. Just too bad they had to have an abortion in order to do that!

I just dont like abortion and the women who have them, ok? hahahaha. Im entitled to my opinion, and I’m also entitled to JUDGE the women who have. well, only GOD can JUDGE, but I can sure say, i’d rather not associate with Abortioners! I don’t want MY wife to be an abortioner unless GOD decides to send me a woman who had one abortion and then repented for it.

and that would involve a lot of deep thought and deep conversation.

I’m just disgusted we live in a world where stupid cowardly young women can get abortion without even really realizing WHAT IT IS.

I seriously question if some of these women really UNDERSTAND what is going on in the Life Creation Process.

Which is frustrating as FOOK, because women play 99.99% of the role in the Life Creation Process! but they dont NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING about it!

its like the black box of object oriented programming. you don’t need to see the code inside the box, you just plop objects in and they supposedly do their job. so everything is reusable and portable and “extensible.”

yeah well we’re not programs gertie, we’re people hahahaha.

we get feelings, and fall in luv, and question whats right and whats evil.

at least the good ones do, hahahaha. the shitty ones just dont give a damn.

i so wanted her to give a damn about me as a person. to stand up and show some backbone when it REALLY COUNTED. this is it. its now or never.

well its not like I put her on the spot and said this is your ONE AND ONLY CHANCE. every time I asked her to hang out or Communicate Please was a chance.

we were both good at avoiding, but she was even better.

and REALLY? you couldnt send an email like One Month later, after she had Cooled Off, saying sorry about this?

Avoiding Something Forever is NOT the same as a Cooling Off Period.

besides, a cooling off period is usually only a few days. I can’t imagine a true cooling off period lasting a damn month. at that point, its a damn BREAK, and things are not looking hopeful.

but how about you let me know if you want a break also? not just say of course we’ll hang out soon. that is not what you say when you want a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

anyway if a woman is openly pro-abortion and not ashamed of her abortion……stay away from that woman. that type of woman is NOT a good influence on your life. you can find better people than those losers, hahahahaha.

i just hate her thinking im a loser who she wants to cut out of her life, while she was a winner who i wanted to stay in my life.

my other friends dont try to shun me from THEIR lives!!! and its not like THEY are huge losers, and the only people that don’t shun me are themselves huge losers! so that is reassuring.

google how does quicken loans scam people hahaha.

so that would be a loan originator. then i wonder if they sell the loans to other companies for Servicing. Probably yes. see I just dont understand this. when do you stop “contracting out” service? why dont the servicers just sell it to another servicer? where does it end? why cant a company just service ITS OWN PRODUCTS? wouldnt they be in the best position to do so? they designed the product!

or probably they hired a damn consultant to design the products. doesnt even work for the company.

so what is the company? just a bunch of managers who hire 90000 other companies to do everythign for them.

see this makes no sense and they dont teach any of this in school. or college. i guess econ was the only thing that came close, in its story about making a pencil. economies of scale. its CHEAPER to have suppliers who all make one part of the pencil. so, same principle here. you just have seperate servicers for every product, every part of every product.

yet we could never find a person who knew enough about how our software interacted with a 3rd party piece of software. there was 1 person in the company who knew and he was on vacation, or he didnt have a phone. one does not simply CALL someone THAT high up!

and its not like these are C level executives. they might “just” be senior systems analysts or something. shit. still too important to get them on the phone.

it would be fine if you could say, oh, your problem is in xyz, let me transfer you to the xyz expert. because there wasn’t any xyz experts. everybody knew nothing about everything when you were expected to know everything about everything.

I like knowing everything about everything……but sometimes it does get to be too much.

at my previous job I prided myself on knowing everything about eveything, and others appreciated it too.

at my stupid job, I couldn’t possibly know everything about everything. there was no way to find out everything. there was too much hidden secret stuff. there was too much stuff in general.  you could make 1000 new flashcards a day and it still wouldnt help.

but because shit was so hard to FIND, it really WAS better to try to memorize everything. because you’re essentially just memorizing Where To Find it anyway, so you might as well memorize the thing you need to know. you dont just search the shit in google and find the right thing quickly.

you mean there is NO ONE in the WHOLE COMPANY who knows how this program works?

that’s what I’m telling you. yeah, it doesn’t make sense. Nope, we’re not third party contractors making 9 bucks an hour. we are full employees. your in-house help desk. not only do we not know how to fix this, we don’t know who CAN fix this. yes we are a very large very well known company that EVERYBODY has heard of, and this is frankly kind of embarrassing and it happens way too often for a company of this reputation.

i just wasnt good at handling these situations. maybe with some coaching or mentorship or leadership I could have gotten better. someone could have taught me that yeah that is actually the nature of this job, it is actually very counterintuitive, counter common sense, and you wont believe the level of incompetence and disorganization you see……but dont get frustrated, because thats perfect normal. here’s what to say to the person. tell them its NORMAL, tell them you get strange stuff all the time, and we fix it all of the time, we just need some time to Diagnose, so I will call you back in an hour. just let us look at this computer, don’t kick us off, we will probably be rebooting it a couple times, and you’ll see weird shit on the screen.

 

DECENT PEOPLE HAVE REGRETS

may 12

muh d1ck sheeeeeeit smacks lips. bix nood mufugga. ayo hol up. hol up.

tick tock wagie! back to work! time is money! add value for the team! trim the fat! back to work! time is money! another day, another dollar! streamline your workflow so you can be more efficient and produce moar! theres always room for improvement! study other people and try to improve your workflow!

big interview with post office on monday. 4 days. they want me to bring social security card. they already had me do a drug test. so in other words, i have a pretty good chance (50 50 hahaha) of actually getting the JOB.

well I am not sure how much off the job studying I will have to do for Letter Carrier. not as much, hahahaha. who knows if there is even an intranet I can log into.

if i get mauled by pit bulls or something there is probably some waiver I sign saying the post office will not give me any money for that hahahaha.

i saw some stupid quote by willie nelson saying “99% of the worlds lovers are not with their first choice, thats why the jukebox plays” or something, meaning there is a super high demand for songs about not luving your luver I guess, or pining for your First Choice hahaha.  i generally like willie nelson but come on man thats degenerate. what are you really trying to say here, has the weed clouded your mind, probably.

my response is, dont date someone unless they are your first choice, its a lose lose situation, and its a j00ish thing to do to THEM.

whenever i have gotten feelz for a woman, they were always muh FIRST CHOICE. That Woman was my First Choice and I guess still is. so now I have been in luv with her since about october 2014 and just waiting for it to fooking die off already. i mean theres nothing to sustain it. but the memories and sorrow hahahaha.

hey they say dont settle for someone who makes you an option not a priority. well priority means first choice. option means second or third choice. nope. i wouldnt want to marry and i sure wouldnt want to have CHILDREN with a second or third choice. it seems super unfair to the poor children.  i would rather find other ways to support other white children. white orphans hahahaha. maybe adopt a white orphan hahaha. but thats hard to do.  thats why everybody adopts nonwhite babies. theres not a huge supply of adoptable white children.

yeah i mean i guess i would do the right thing and try to take good care of my children even if i had them with a third choice woman. maybe i could grow to not hate the woman hahahaha.

but i would rather i be in luv with the woman i create and raise new life with. than use the poor children to try to force me together with the unimpressive woman.

but luv itself is overrated. thats not how the real world works. you wait for luv, you wait forever.

well, i disagree. women have been in luv YOUNG, and I think they should marry these guys rather than say “im too young to get married. i havent experienced enough of the world.” is always code for i want to be a huge slut. run away from me. i will be a terrible wife and mother.

shit i would have gotten married at age 21 if the woman had any interest hahaha. of course she didnt, i never even dated or fooked her (woman1).

it was amazing that I developed feelings for other women. a miracle from god. youd think once you found the luv of your life, you’re not gonna find anyone again. but i sure did. turned out she wasnt the luv of my life hahaha.

but That Woman sure was! this one was different because……out of all the women I have luved, like maybe 6 of them, she was the ONLY one I had a Real Relationship with! so that was a big deal.

i mean i fooked a gurl once but we didn’t have a Real Relationship! thats what i mean by pseudodating.

and there was NOTHING “PSEUDO” about the Real True Actual Literal Relship I had with That Woman.

ok going to get oil change tomorrow. called the car place like a real man. actually a real man would change his own oil. i am unmanly because i have literally no interest in cars. no interest in sports. no interest in gadgets and tinkering and workshops and tools and stuff. the manliest thing is that I do like guns, but I dont really care about the technical shit, like check out my sig sauer .4839038u5 caliber hollow point bla bla bla with i dont even fookin know. I just want a standard handgun made in a white country like US or germany or sweden or russia hahahaha.

but i am too lazy to do all the paperwork. I mean I would sound like a weirdo if I went to the gun store to talk about guns. they’d be like, uhhhh you are not a gun guy. you want this gun so you can do something WEIRD with it. Im not selling you a gun. and id be like how is protecting the second amendment WEIRD mufugga. hahahaha. and they say its not, but YOURE being shifty and disingenuous. you Reek of Weird Vibes. DRIPPING with DESPERATION. give off a really weird vibe hahahaha.

that is another big self criticism. I see myself as Just Giving Off a REally Weird VIBE that people can’t explain, they just FEEL it and SENSE that I am Weird. Like I am Emitting an Aura. Reeking and Dripping with desperation and weirdness, like pigpen is reeking waves of dirt and dust and BO. and everybody perceives this. men, women, employers.

but its really not true 100%! when you get to know me you see i am not THAT weird!!!!!!!! I was actually able to become Close Friends with an Attractive Young woman for 2+ years! and she didnt think I was weird during that time.

I was fairly well liked at my normie job for a full year!

so yeah this self image of myself as a BIG WEIRDO has got to stop. but ive kinda ALWAYS thought of myself as a huge WEIRDO. so that is a problem. sets you back on your confidence haha.

MJ makes MOST people degens and is a net negative for them…..but not for me! Ima Special Snowflake!

so i  became aware of this youtube gurl over the past month or so, evalion. this adorably cute, marriageable young waifu type, who is talking some pretty hardcore 1488 anti j00ish stuff. i guess after the sinead “dumpster fire” I am a lot more suspicious about this sort of thing.

yes she is insanely cute and i prob would marry her hahahaha. i am a sucker for pale skin and long dark hair.

BUT she has no business wearing such revealing clothing! red flag #1!!!

and muh buddies on TRS say she is obviously batshit crazy, personality disorders, bipolar, borderline, hysterical, sineadlike.

also I just dont TRUST pretty young gurls who get involved in The Movement at this level as Content Creators. I worry it is just a trend for them. I hope she proves me wrong in 5 years. but even sinead just appeared out of nowhere less than a year ago. then they get 20000 subscribers really fast, then within 6 months do something really stupid. its like real life. you get with a qt young gurl, seems too good to be true, because it is, and then 3 months later, its over, and you are horribly disappointed, heartbroken, and angry.

I like and trust wife with a purpose because she is not so “extreme” and she has 5 fooking kids. that is 5  great bona fides for me!

like i say, i hope evalion proves me wrong, but young women appearing out of nowhere and making these kind of political statements…..are usually batshit crazy and prob will turn away from the movement within a year when they find the next edgy thing.

besides with trump and everything, the “alt right” is getting moar attention, such that your internet savvy leftist professional colleagues who read buzzfeed or whatever might have read a shitty article about “white supreemist richard spencer” or somethign.

like you dont just show up to something like this. its a JOURNEY that takes YEARS and you should be able to talk about that journey. otherwise you are probably just being brainwashed by your aryan warrior boifran. why dont you make some babies with him instead of making vidyas and showing Thirsty Betas your secsy white skin.

come on TRS forums some time, these guys will put you in your place baby hahahaha. then you will call them a bunch of virgin woman hating f4ggots hahaha. and then get into flat earth or mudsharking or passing out paper flyers to white hating leftists about white genocide hahaaha.

making white babies and being faithful wives is the most important way these women can really help the movement. not by being crazy attention seekers.

come back when you have 5 kids like wife with a purpose.

but yeah. how many guys you been with? any black guys? how many abortions you had? you gotta vet these female entryists the same way you would vet a potential wife. cuz this is important shit.

i mean if a woman is into “basic bitch” political stuff, thats less concerning. like if they have  trump hat or vote for trump. perfect. but a 1488 white nationalist gurl is just too risky. its like when i was YOUNG, i thought it would be AMAZING to have a qt gurlfran who liked METAL. now i realize how bad of an idea that would be. especially now since women are getting into metal as its getting more hip. so you get hipster sluts, crazy sluts. just give me a nonslut who doesnt listen to music at all.

NILE is a great death metal band and more importantly seem to be great people. karl sanders seems like the nicest, sweetest, chillest guy. they dont seem to do degenerate drugs or bang bitches. i think karl has a wife and kids. the most they do is smoke MJ and drink beer. they clearly have tons of fun on stage, as they should. not a bad job to have. being a huge moneymaking band, be beloved by critics and fans, never selling out. they are totally living the dream. i really wish I liked them more, but I have such a hard time with the clicky drums and “overproduction” and I have wished and wished that nile just had a more “underproduced, raw” sound on record.

maybe i just need to watch more live shows hahahaha. but its really hard to get a good sound there too.

I would be like guys lets go into the studio and record the whole album as live as possible, then we might touch it up a little to bring out the best sound possible.

full disclosure: i saw nile in 1999 when i was a young teen and they were a few years from their peak. this was between “catacombs” and “black seeds” and they were playing tiny clubs and making a name. it was on my short list of best ever shows. very memorable. everyone in the band was mingling with the crowd and all very friendly. that made a big impression on me. some of the crowd were not familiar with the band but we were. we were up near the front of the stage head banging like metal nerds. it was a tiny club, much smaller than in this video. we we pumped up and the band was pumped up and it was a great show. everyone in the band was super outgoing and friendly, including karl sanders, who kinda seemed like a big drunk slob, but I think he was just chilled out from smoking MJ and playing a ridiculous show. very tight. we bought some CDs and they autographed them. just a great show and a great memory for a young metal fan. we had no idea they would get so YUGE in metal, but they sure did.

and they seem just as honest and genuine and sincere and friendly, so thats good. but after 10 albums they have a reputation as being a bit “wanky” and cramming 9000000000000000000 riffs into a riff salad and fast for the sake of fast, and having a sense of hubris that they cant tell that their songwriting is suffering.

well i can’t say their songwriting IS suffering! indeed i found the catacombs album to be VERY challenging to my 16/17 year old mind, and I made such a conscious effort to wrap my mind around it…..which ultimately proved very rewarding. but yeah. i got the black seeds album but then got off the nile train after that hahaha and maybe that was a bit premature on my part, is all I’m saying.

just try to remember the friendly, great guys who are making this kind of overwhelming, dizzying, confusing music hahaha.

like if they had more slow riffs and slow songs like on their “festivals of atonement” EP. that was less of a “progressive, technical” album but it showed some very solid songwriting. was less confusing and overwhleming and riff cramming.

anyway those were more innocent times hahaha and the old nile concert was a nice memory there. a sense of connecting with the people who make the music. them being really down to earth people. non autistic non neets. bigass normies in the best possible way. regular nice people doing something really kewl.

who knows maybe maybe other bands are just as Nice People. but i used to go to a lot of concerts and that sense of connection was often not nearly as much bla bla bla

managers listen to your god damn employees.

heh i think at my last job the managers WERE very willing to listen to the employees….but those managers didnt have any power to do anything or change anything. the REALLY big decisions were made by the managers managers. and those people we didnt like.

it has just been a really stupid ridiuclous retarded, stupid, pointless, wasted 10 months and counting. quit your job and try to find a new job. good god. just because a personal relationship went bad. come on.

yeah well that personal relationship was a part of that stupid job too.

so yeah. never get involved with anybody who’s in your office/department. that you have to see every day in other words.

uhhh maybe this was all part of GODS PLAN to show me that that was not the Job Meant for Me, and she was not the woman meant for me hahaha.

i guess GOD meant for us to be Good Friends for a few years…..but he definitely did not intend for us to be anything more. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, hahahaha.

uhhh then whyd he give me those feelings for her then. havent I been TESTED enough? I mean all the TESTING has been feeling more like a PUNISHMENT, for a LONG time.

you know whats 90000000000000000000000 times more degen than homosex? the stuff that average women do. because its SO widespread, and people just take it as normal. its NORMAL for people to have secs with people theyve just met. its NORMAL for women to have 10+ number. homos are a tiny part of the population and its not gonna affect us, well except for women who hang out with homos and treat their degeneracy as normal hahaha. every woman has gay male friends. you dont know any gays? just ask your gurlfran, she probably knows several. and sees no problem with them fooking 9000000000 other gay guys. perfectly ok. fisting parties and such.

so what the hell is your gurlfran ok with???!?!?!?!?! if she thinks all that is ok?!?!?!?!

when your GF hangs out with degenerates and says, nope I dont have any problem with this! as long as its consenting adults.

your woman should have a stronger moral compass than that.

hehehe adding to my questionaire for prospective wife.txt file again. now there is a good 10000 word post!

i would say if you are going through a tough time, then become a degenerate MJ smoker for 3 to 6 months. just to build some more distance between you and the tough event. then detox for 3 months and PROBABLY your pain will be less severe. if not, try to get 3 months of SObriety in, then become a degen stoner again for 6 months. and then quit again. by this time you should notice a difference.

yeah at this point its like processing GRIEF that just wont go away. that lingers WAY too long.

but i mean some people just cant be replaced! I never treated people as replaceable! i just wanted her to show me that I was a little less replaceable!

I felt this feeling of replaceability as soon as I starting dating women in 2004 and getting really dumped haaha.

ok doing laundry. also getting dental teeth cleaning today. that could be horrendous. I have not been taking care of teeth.

but yeah cute young gurls should be makign their own youtube channels saying gas the k1kes race war now 1488. leave that to the men. its weird and off putting and a turn off when women do that. just say trump is kewl and I will encourage my friends to vote for him. and that is MORE than good enough.

a cute young gurl could easily influence the vote of her Thirsty Beta Orbiters! I’ll hang out for you if you vote for trump. or hillary. or ANYONE.

but would this really have a big effect on the ultimate results? it would probably be less than 1%.

but 1% is actually pretty big though.

but yeah. she was very irreplaceable for me. i cant jsut go out and get a new one. her being gone leaves a big void. very much like someone dying. you cant replace them, and their loss leaves a void.

so at this point i would start looking at the Grief literature.

well since i dont have any MJ I took a big honking half dose of nyquil. almost out of nyquil hahahaha.

will def get some moar soon. weird how nyquil seems to reach its expiration date so quickly.

MJ IS A GR8 VOID-FILLER

may 3

knowing WHY she chose to ignore me wouldnt help any because its still not justifiable, theres still no excuse, its still wrong. an apology would be a good start though. but….when have i ever abandoned you. youve already abandoned me once. yeah thats scorekeeping but this is a pretty big thing. not as bad as cheating, but still very hurtful. not the type of thing you IGNORE. you have to address it head on and not pretend it never happened. of course the person who DID it would like to pretend it never happend.

she would have to be willing to apologize, AND spend a lot of time together, AND honestly WORK to rebuild the trust, AND show me a lot of luv and loyalty, AND be my monogamous luver. she cant say lets just be friends NOW. not that she has hahahaha.

yeah yeah i mean i understand her circumstances and personal issues that caused her to react this way, and I probably forgive her, BUT, IM JUST SAYING, if she wanted to resume contact with me, we would have to DEAL WITH what happened. because its not the type of thing you CAN ignore. when people talk about “scorekeeping” and balance sheets, they mean relatively little things. I did you a favor last month, now you owe me a favor this month.

this does NOT apply to BIG DEAL things, like abandonment/desertion. Also cheating. now abandonment might not be a “betrayal” the way cheating is…..but it still severely damages TRUST. how can you trust someone who abandons you when you need them the most?

well ive been a good guy and not bothered her. i dont want to say respect her wishes because i dont respect them. i just know that if you bother a woman when she doesnt want you to bother her, then you look like the bad guy, a stalker, raepist, evil man.  even if you are just trying to hold the person accountable hahahaha. and i said yeah youre wrong and stupid and horrible and this is horrible and youre doing a horrible thing, and youve broken my heart and should be wracked with guilt for the rest of your godforsaken life, and you ruined my life hahahaha, but if you dont want to talk to me, then I wont talk to you.

but just in general. show some respect for human LIVES. dont throw people away. dont replace people. dont exchange people like a pair of pants. respect peoples feelings. when they say stop hurting me, stop hurting them. when they say dont abandon me, dont abandon them.

also she filled a very special role in muh life where now there is a huge void, and i dont like that void!!!!!!

the special female friend void!!!

there were some very important FIRSTS for me, like this was the first time I had gotten feelings for a female friend. This was the first time that my feelings got deeper over the long term. normally I drift away from women after 2 or 3 years and dont get feelings for them and am not DEVASTATED when it ends!

and it was the most substantial, important, long term rel I’d had with a woman in a LONG time.

the older you get, the less likely you will be sharing any “FIRSTS” with the woman. she got those out of her system 20 guys ago, when she was young. first love. first long term rel. first fooked up the ass. first heartbreak. first person she told some secret too. first person she abandoned. first person she was willing to fight for. nope. none of that for you. you are just the 20th guy where she might be your FIRST In a couple important things. oh she is your first long term rel? oh well, she’s already had 20 long term rels. you’re nothing special.

she’s very special to you, you’re not special to her at all. real good for the confidence, hahaha.

just treat me like i was a little more special to you. I know I was at one time. and then you became more and more special to me and i became less and less special to you. damn.

anyway i mean nothing to say there, nothing will change, it is what it is.

you wanting out of the relationship, thats fine. but that doesnt ABSOLVE YOU of the RESPONSIBILITIES of the relationship. You have to abide by the RULES of the relationship even though you want OUT of the relationship. and common sense rules tell you, dont throw a person away like a piece of garbage. tell them you want out of the rel and accept that your decision hurts them.  pretty common sense here hahaha. even i, the least common sense person who ever existed, knows this.

hehehe its like being stabbed in the heart and dying slowly. and how can you be a happy productive healthy person when you are dying slowly from a stab to the heart? you cant. you have to slowly die, then be born again. maybe after staying dead for a while hahahaha. even christ stayed dead for 3 days.

so i say, die slowly for 9 months, then stay dead for 9 months, then you should be ready to come back to life.

i was at the megamarket where i buy my prepaid phone card and they said they no longer let you buy those at the u-scan. I had already Rung Tender all of my other stuff. so i said ok. some customers would have given a hard time. I wasnt about to do that to the poor old 60 year old white man making 9 dollars an hour. So I just put the card aside, finished buying the stuff, put the stuff in the car, came back inside, got another card, and waited in a long line for a human cashier, who was a 50 year old white woman making 9 dollars an hour with a long line of fookin idiots who would probably bitch at her for “why dont ya open another lane.” like its her fooking decision. like she wouldnt want them to open another lane. i smiled and was a model customer. so you have to buy cards from the cashier lane now. new policy. i wonder if thats because of theft? fraud? this store only? which stores? I did not bombard the poor cashier with these questions. no doubt there was some manager hiding out back smoking cigarets. thinking about how many more lanes he could close.

go to shrink today. once every 3 weeks.

i dunno. I just think women should be kinder, gentler, more decent, less SHADY. not fooking so many guys, not doing such egregiously hurtful things. little white lies are fine. but cheating is too much. abandoning is too much. being a easy low-price slut is too much. try to make your father proud of you. but none of these gurls have fathers. fatherless whores.

white people acting like n1993rs. no fathers. white trash. shameful.  white n1993r5.

also when you are dating a guy, why the hell do you need so many close male friends? your man is RIGHT to be jealous. oh because they listen to your problems. yeah well female friends could do the same. or your family. or if you were like me, you’d be begging your GF, pleeeeease baby you can talk to me about our problems! i’ll do whatever it takes to fix them! please talk to me! and then they leave you for one of their many male friends, hahahaha.

yes MJ can fill voids in your life. I think it would help fill the void in my life right now. it is a great void filler in a way that alcohol is not.  also helps you sleep at night and not toss and turn with Worry.

it is a very pleasurable Ritual that is very much what I imagine sharing time with your loved one is like. like cuddling your waifu. the act of preparing and enjoying your mjfu.

welp went to the shrink and basically the whole time was me blabbing about the recruiter offering me the job at the call center. mentioned how I was jealous that that woman had better coping skills than me, and could handle tough jobs better than me. she was tougher and stronger than me. and she doesnt want to associate with a loser like me.

so yeah didnt really discuss that aspect.

that of course is just a weapon i can use against myself. i have no idea if she thinks i am a loser. besides what does what SHE thinks mattters. we are DONE. but i dont want to be DONE, so what she thinks DOES matter to me!

hehheh but she doesnt care what i think about her. just stay away.

basically i dont feel too bad about turning down the one job. too many red flags hahaha.

but I HATE thinking she doesnt want to talk to me because Im a huge loser.

hehehe other people talk to me even though I am a huge loser!! Im not a BAD INFLUENCE On THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

saw a very cute gurl in the shrink waiting room though, but she had to be 18-20 and was with her mother hahahaha. no chance for me. she was a very large tall big boned girl, which I like sometimes. not fat or anything. but her pants were probably too small and i could not stop staring. I thought damn if I could spend some time with HER I would get over That Woman REAL fast.  I mean I almost got aroused right in the waiting room. I am NEVER that attracted to women. unless they are young 6 foot 18 year old gurls hahahahaha. the blond hair and beautiful pale white skin certainly helped.

i should have introduced myself to both her and her mother at once and asked the mother if i could date the daughter, even though I am like 12 years older than her hahahaha and a total loser.  she is in high school and i have been out of college for 10+ years. is that normal?

well I have heard of this guy who’s like 40 whose dating an 18-19 year old gurl. pretty good. everyone thinks thats weird though. hes a weird guy though. very beta. gets devastated when women dump him and then doesnt date again for 10 years hahaha. sound familiar hahaha.

but yeah i wanted that huge young gurl to sit on muh face and also me to just have intense S with her and just grab that big body hahahaha.

i dunno. its just the first time i had this transition. where once we were good friend, and now shes TOO GOOD to hang out with me or talk to me. very hard feelings. i have drifted away from MANY people. this is completely different. alot more painful hahahaha. a LOT. first time with such extreme, incomprehensible pain.

tried Famous Daves Devils Spit spicy BBQ sauce. I give it 2 thumbs up. Its not super thick, a slight bit runny, but that’s fine. it is quite spicy indeed. I have been eating Stubbs Sweet Heat which is much less spicy, and much thicker. I think I prefer the Devils Spit. Both are better than the Open Pit Original I had had for a while and got tired of. Theres a time and a place for that, but I can’t see being in that mood again for a while. The Famous Daves is very good. glad I tried that.

but yeah i hate being given up on. a parent that abandons their child is a bad parent. a husband that abandons his wife is a bad husband. a friend that abandons their friend is a bad friend.

so what is when a former friend abandons a former friend because they dont like that their former friend got feelings for them? they say, well i don’t owe them any courtesy, because THEY killed the friendship FIRST by getting feelings! they violated their responsibilities of the friendship FIRST, therefore I dont have to live up to my responsibilities! THEY killed it!

well its obvious a gray area, but I think common sense would prevail that Getting Feelings is complicated but not inherently bad, while abandoning / pulling plug, unless when you are escaping an abuser, IS much more inherently bad. than getting feelings for a friend.

it makes it confusing because its not like we were Luvers. so really the closest thing to it is being abandoned by a friend. yeah. i mean it would really be worse if we were actually fooking (because thats all dating is hahahaha) and she disappeared.

so yeah, the closest approximation here is being abandoned and shut out by a friend. but a little worse becuase i had special feelies.

https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-stop-being-sad-about-a-friend-who-abandoned-me

https://beta.theodysseyonline.com/an-open-letter-to-the-best-friend-who-abandoned-me

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/abandoned-by-a-close-friend

http://life.gaiam.com/article/how-overcome-feeling-abandonment

QUADS. i got QUADS again hahaha. i get QUADS like once a week. this is ridiculous.

 

TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM AND HANG OUT WITH ME ONCE IN 10 MONTHS

may 10

1000 calories,  7.07 miles (at various speeds and various inclines), 136 minutes.

kind of a long time, i am very jelly of the people who can burn 1000 calories in 1 hour. i have seen a few.  but that was my goal yesterday. rather than going a straight 130 minutes, I just decided to say fook the time and go until I reach 1000 calories. broke it up into 3 parts. first part did a 2.5 mile Slow Jog. with some walking. to get to 400 calories. then next portion was focused on doing huge incline, up to max of 15%. getting 300 calories there. then took a small break to go to bathroom and drink water. then cam back and did last 300 cals at very relaxed pace. so basically, 700, then a break, then 300.

for the first 700 listened to music, then on 300 listened to white racist fatherhood podcast.  best show ever. did I mention I made a donation to TRS hahahahah pat myself on the back publicly.

so it was 3 portions:

  1. 400 cals, 3.14 miles, 47 minutes. involved 2.5 miles of Slow Jogging hahaha. prepping or muh 5k haha.

2. 300 cals, 1.62 miles, 39 minutes. attached to portion 1. ramped up eventually to 15%, speed was pretty slow.

3. took break. came back. did 300 calories, 2.31 mile, 50 minutes. much lower incline. tried to “relax.”

well i neeted it up at the interview, and important to note this was for an Eligibility Pool, not a specific job, so…. hehehe so hard to make money in this world. just want to not be a neet skell hahahaha.

Civil Cases and Debt cases sometimes dont go to trial but get outsourced to an outside ARBITRATION service who then makes the ruling on who owes what.

I just want a civil court arbitration that that woman treated me less than respectfully, and therefore owes me an apology, and some respect. hahahaha. basically to have someone back me up and say, you’re right, this isn’t right, you dont deserve this, this is no way to treat a person, she fooked up, and you didnt do anything wrong.

this is the problem when somebody dumps you in this way. either they’re fooked up, or you’re a monster who deserves this. And I REALLY dont want to be a monster. I’d rather her be a huge chickenshit coward avoider. well at least I think that option is becoming more clear.

when a bitch accuses you of being CLINGY or NEEDY, just mansplain to them, no im not clingy, thats what love IS. I just have stronger feelings for you than you have for me, so to you it LOOKS LIKE needy. when you loved a guy more than he loved you, you looked 9000000000 times worse than this. now bend over and take my c0ck up your ass 90000000000 times, you filthy wh0re, and that will make me like you less and hate you more and then i will be less needy hahahahahalol. then you can find some other f4gg0t fool to NEED your used up ass. bet youll feel great when you are 35 and no one NEEDS you except your ingrate bastard mud baby and your cats. and they cant fook you hard like a real man can hahahaha.

had dream I was hanging out with one of my previous female friends who was a fairly attractive young woman. but she was always dating other guys and I never really wanted to date her. we just hung out and got along pretty well. but I never got conflicted over her. although in the dream I had just spent a fun day with her and then at the end of it we started cuddling and I think Making Out. and I thought, well this isnt nearly as weird as I feared it might be.

so that means, I PROBABLY could have gotten more than friends feelings for her too if I had tried, hahaha. but I never did. Anyway we drifted apart very amicably and I have no hard feelings towards her. I kinda feel she would be a big handful to Date though. like Unchill and crazy, been with too many guys, too crazy, etc. but as a friend she was just fine. But I still think That Woman would have been a much better GF. she hadnt been with as many guys and was more innocent. but in the end…..who treated me better?????? the “slut!” hahahaha. Not that I like to think of that prior female friend as “A Slut.” even if she might have been. she also got into long term rels with guys.

i never wanted to date her and never Got Feelings. but this dream showed me that maybe I could have, in an alternate universe. prob one where we spent even more time together, and where she was blatantly single. she was single/available like less than 1% of the time I knew her.

I am single/available 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of my entire life, hahahahaha.

well better than 100% hahaha.

good god. send resume to “IT REcruiter” for an “asset coordinator” position which i dont even know what that is, but it didnt sound like a call center, and the guy calls me within 30 minutes. I did not answer, let it go to voice mail. he said he was EXTREMELY INTERESTED in talking to me hahahahaha. god damn aggressive recruiters. I wish the companies could be as aggressive. then they would actually hire people. thats how recruiters work, thats how they find people. they just YOUR HIRED! to anybody and then send these schmucks to the company. perhaps the recruiter actually takes the time to look at the resumes while the company just hires anyone who comes in for an interview. i honestly dont know how this is sustainable. and i hate everything related to “IT”.

or apply for an autistic children behavior tech using simply apply on indeed and get a direct email from the person at the clinic, asking me to fill out this application doc file and send it back. just a shitty ass form on a doc file that is gonna contain all the information on my linkedin and indeed pages which was included with my original submission.

sheeeeit. back to spraying out applications hahahaha. i still wish that woman would “come to her senses” and apologize to me. shit. its just gonna take a damn year to get over, actually probably more.

was I really THAT bad? I dont think I was THAT bad. damn. So I was annoying. give me a little benefit of the doubt. I wasnt some random guy. just TRY. not try to luv me, but TRY to see it from my perspective and TRY to give me a tiny bit of good will. im not trying to hurt you. im not trying to fook up our friendship. but this just happened. what would you do if your BF was HORRIFIED and DISGUSTED when you were honest about how you liked him, and he reacted like this, instead of dating you in a marriage like relship for 5 long years?

hey I lost something and someone important to ME. itd be NICE if you acted like i was important to you too.

of COURSE me getting feelings complicates shit. but i knew when I was your age that you cant hold feelings back. and you shouldnt hate people for getting feelings.

but yeah she was a big deal in my life and i still havent filled that void yet. maybe if i were working a lot. or even a little. that would def help. leaving the job ALSO caused a big void. so now I have TWO BIG VOIDS and that is a lot.

I think if I were just working I could focus on that, worry about that, maybe become a degen MJ smoker again, maybe 3 solid months of chronic MJ use would help me make some progress in getting over her. i mean thats all that she does. smoke tones of MJ every day and forget everything. I wouldnt mind forgetting HER.

oh but i would be using drugs to block shit out. NO, i would be using drugs to erase or delete memories. big difference.

not block, but erase. destroy. dispose of. annihilate. delete forever. its the closest thing to never meeting her. as if she never existed. that would be great. where mah weed at.

nietzsche wearing trump hat.png hahahahahaha

i dont give a shit if it IS degenerate. if it helps me get over this woman, then i’ll take it. obviously dont want to be doing it for like more than 6 months.

hey i mean I cant deal with the Feelings any MORE. there’s nothing more left. it’s just replaying of all the old shit. it’s all been played out. it just stays there like the stench of smoke or cat piss in a house. lingers, serving no god damn purpose whatsoever.

may 11

had dream featuring woman4 aka woman2005B? she had a sense of SEcsual Innocence which I looked for and found in other women too. However she saw me at my drunken worst too much and was kind of annoyed by me hahahaha. plus I was too much of a pvssy to really hang out with her one on one. which come on. you really need to do that. but I was young, I was drinking a lot, I had gotten dumped by woman3 and was upset about that, and I was trying to get back together with woman2 but she wanted to be Just Friends, so my confidence was at another big low, which caused me to act like an idiot around woman4, who I remained in luv with for far too long. I think I was over her within 3 years tho hahahahaha.

heh. its weird. I havent had any success with women since I stopped drinking hahaha. 6 years ago….i mean 7. however I would get so falling down drunk that that didnt help me with women either.  like holy shit he is the drunkest one here kind of drunk. not lets all get tipsy together. well, I used to be able to do that back in the day, and that was legit fun, and that maybe DID help me with woman2 and woman3. in 2004 and 2005 hahaha.

wow 302 days since i last talked to That Person. and it feels just like yesterday hahahaha. I like to think in terms of 100%, multiples of 100, 100 days, 200 days, 300 days, 400 days, so hitting the 300 day mark is significant. def have made some progress but just want to make it to the 400 day mark, which I think will be better. 100 and 200 were nothing. meant nothing. who cares. no big change there.

anyway what happened in the dream with woman2005B. uhh I think we were at a party and I might have been getting drunk and embarrassing myself in front of her. also I was trying to spy on her to see how she reacted to these douchebag guys hitting on her. she did not appear to be having a lot of fun and went to sleep in a room in the back. I saw her sleeping there alone. I guess there was no guarantee she hadnt had casual sex with every guy there but me, but it really didnt seem like it. the next day people were eating breakfast and I tried being nice to her and apologizing for being a drunken fool? Cant really remember.

but yeah being a drunken fool is never a good move with women, and neither is apologizing like a little bitch.

hehehe the worst thing you can do after being ANNOYING to a woman, is to APOLOGIZE to her for it.

in fact i dont even know the best thing you can do. pretend like it never happened? be cool, stay away from the woman for a while? then she’ll prob just forget about you totally. i am tempted to say that being annoying is the worst thing you can do in the first place, cuz its one strike and youre out, you cant bounce back from that ever, you might as well pack it in immediately, YOURE DONE.

it doesnt matter if youve been married for 20 years or you just met the woman hahahaha. be annoying ONCE and youre the bad guy who ruined the rel and pushed her away.

hhahahaha ok i am exagerrateing as i sometimes do. magnifying. going to extremes. of course if youre married for 20 years, your wife might show you more loyalty and luv and not give up on you after one strike. you might get the full 3 strikes. leave the toilet seat up 3 times over 3 years and youre divorced hahahaha. its not like the points come off your record in 6 months.

anyway woman4 was a lot more emotionally stable than me hahahaha. she got a decent job and really she just needs to get her masters degree already, I dont know why she put that off. Of course I liked that about her! but shes so focused on her social justice career that its foolish of her NOT to get a stupid social justice masters degree already. in international poverty alleviation or some shit. or some really sjwy law degree would also be good for her.

she could have well been asexual or a lesbo. well she was too cute and feminine to be a lesbo. but she would prob be very nervous about secs and embarrassed to talk about it publicly…….as all women SHOULD be! so I liked that about her.

in an alternate universe i would have just gotten married to her when I was 22 and she was 21 hahaha. and i would have not been drinking or acting a fool. oh i realize the error of my evil ways.

i kinda acted a fool with That Woman…..but it was still very different. there was no drunkenness. just annoying pushiness. but I hung out with her one on one quite a bit, which I never did with with woman4, and had enough courage to ask her to hang out at least hahaha. also i was never really actual friends with woman4. we never hung out or texted or talked or had a real rel of any kind, the way I did with That Woman.

but yeah I would luv to use degen MJ for like 3 months or 100 days hahahaha to see if that helps erase that woman from my mind. but got to get job first hehe.

so should i call this IT recruiter back about the asset coordinator job? PROBABLY.

its all about DOING THE REPS. you might not be in the best mood, or be super confident, not at the top of your game, but you get down to work and do the reps anyway. do something rather tahn nothing.

also I wanted to make it perfectly clear that I was NOT looking to her to give me support for my Despair Disorder. That is my cross to bear alone hahahaha. I was, however, looking for the kind of general Loving Moral Support which a Special Woman wilfully provides to her Lover. The Tender Mercies and all that. the warmth and cuddles and all that. which I think is legit, reasonable. But I was not asking her to be my Shrink and Save Me From Myself. I know a lot of Despair people do this and it understandably overwhelms the partner, pushes them away.

Nope I wasnt doing that at all. I was just asking for someone to spend time with me and give me luv and cuddles hahaha. not emotionally manipulate with my own despair. what a womanly thing to do hahahaha. im gonns suddenly shut down because I have despair disorder and you are gonna be at the mercy of muh moods. NOPE. i didnt do ANY of that.

however I do firmly believe that general luv and cuddles would have generally increased my confidence and power and probably made me generally less depairing.

see her confidence was not diminished at ALL. getting rid of me was just getting rid of a problem. it was a weight lifted and her life could get better. for me it was a big loss, like a death, leaving a huge void, and also I have two huge voids, one in muh personal life, another in my working life, and have greatly weakened confidence in both those areas. where she has much greater confidence in both those areas. hehehehe. winning lifes struggles is a lot easier when you have CONFIDENCE. and jobless loveless neet virgin losers dont have much confidence at all.

the worst thing I wanted was her to support muh confidence. but she didnt really need to DO anything to do that other than hang out with me and not be cold and distant to me. very low bar. when things were going good with her, i was pretty confident.

but when things went REALLY bad with her, my confidence went into the crapper. what i’m saying, is they didn’t have to go SO badly, and maybe if they hadn’t, my confidence would be higher now, which would make my current struggles less difficult.

in other words, it wasnt draining or too much effort for her to build up my confidence. she just needed to sit there and smile hahaha.

but it also wouldnt have been THAT much effort for her to PREVENT the hugeass CRASH in my confidence.

of course, the OBVIOUS lesson here is, don’t chain your self confidence to SOMEBODY ELSE, PERIOD.

so yeah its always been hard for me to not associate my self confidence with How Women View Me.

When Women view me favorably, I have decent confidence.

When women view me unfavorably and abandon me, I have very low confidence.

Once I get over those rejections and women have no opinion of me…..uh i have average-for-me confidence and a pretty pessimistic view of women hahahah.

but for like at least a year after a big rejection, my confidence is impacted. adversely.

basically women reject me and become way more successful than me at life hahaha. I have never been rejected by a woman who did not move on to become WAY more successful and make WAY more money than me, regardless of the age difference. 4, 8 years younger than me, they still make more money than me in the current year.

shit coming up on the 3 year anniversary of this Blog. so i was trying to get over the rejection of woman2012 still. I had met That Woman about 6 months before starting this blog. however since me and her never made it to 3 years (only 2.7 hahahahah), then yeah technically this blog is Older. so I see that as a good thing. My ROCK to get me through. something truly long term hahaha.

in late 2012 i was getting attention for my old blog and getting pretty interested in The Movement hahaha. I still am very interested in the movement, but I don’t want to be a public face for the movement, because my emotional instability and neetness makes the movement look bad, and they don’t need that. and i dont want to do that to them, however unintentionally.

I got rejected by woman2012 around that time. I met That Woman around that time. there really was a lot going on! i was working my littleboy job, i bought muh first laptop computer, I visited muh friend in las vegas and rode on a plane. racist on a plane hahahahaha. I remember I listened to some Dr Pierce on the plane.

so rejected in october 2012, i recall I was kind of upset about that, such that I was still upset in may 2013 and started this blog. but in hindsight what i am going through now is 90000000 times worse. I didnt start a new blog but god damn I have a huge buffer of posts hahahaha to keep this blog going for another 6 months even if i stop writing today. which i wont hahahaha.

and obviously i have been talking about mainly that even since it happened! HER! that person and the tragic end of our rel.

she cant deny that it was a relship of sorts. it wasnt a secsy rel but it was a close friendship! she cant deny that. an impartial arbitration firm would prove that. because we had intimate conversations. not surprising that i, having a taste of Intimacy, wanted a little bit more. I didnt expect her to give it to me, but i DID expect that we would bla bla bla communicate about it.

see? dead horse, stale farts, im just feeling the same feelings over and over and over again, running in circles, and this is what I want the MJ for. to erase the mind. there is nothing left for me to learn here. there wasnt much to learn in the first place.

really the PAIN per se is not terrible, but the general lack of confidence is the big problem atm.  im half the man i used to be hahahaha. actually way less than that hahahaa. a 1488th of the man i used to be.  i have absolutely lost my mojo or groove or chutzpah or spark or whatever. not that I had a lot to begin with!

oh no MW is in a state of despair. I think he is just on the verge of a despair mode, after he has experienced some success in life at long last which lifted him out of years of despair.

IMHO what he needs is a real life support system, ideally a 3DPD waifu to cuddle with. or im just saying that because thats what I really want hahaha. did MW have a falling out with adam wallace or something? people saying theres a “split” in the alt right? the alt right is all over the place anyway. was adam wallace speaking out against “the 1488 crowd?” I dont want to put words in adam wallace’s mouth, he seems like a good guy but definitely more arrogant than MW. indeed MW has so much self doubt that it is harmful to him.

now he’s transformed from a neet to a guy who makes 400 dollars a month hahhaha on donations (more than I make!!!!) and he makes very nice videos, and works really hard, too hard IMHO, he is burning out a little.

how does one “PUT IN THE REPS” without BURNING OUT?

well you just go through the emotions and half ass things and hope you are not Found Out and Fired!

or, you half ass things every other day. on Valium Day.

i dunno some jobs you cant do that though, because everything is measured, everything factors into the metrics, so you have to be on point producing high quality and high quantity with no half assing. even when the manager is out, they still see the numbers and the reports regarding your work and its quality and quantity.

well now I have an interview with the post office. city carrier assitant job, 16 bucks an hour, non career position, no guarantee of hours. they just emailed here saying be here at this time 5 days from now, NO RESCHEDULES.

i wonder if post office gives random drug tests. i mean I would probably be driving the little mail truck and delivering to houses. assuming I dont sound autistic during the interview.

well this is the post office downtown for the interview. I hear that post office is 99% nonwhite hahaha. they smoke blunts all day and think whitey is uptight hahaha.

well…. yeah i mean because nothing government agencies do makes any sense. nothing in Regular Companies makes sense either, until you think….this is being done to cut costs. of course even that is done incompetently, remember? so they lose money in the LONG RUN. well, govt is even MORE incompetent, which might be GOOD because it allows me to really COAST and not try hahahahaha.

but yeah I hear this post office is in a real Ghetto area of town where people get shot and robbed just a few blocks away hahaha great. I mean this is a Ghetto City that does not have a great reputation in general.

yeah I know its politically incorrect to say ghetto in reference to poor blacks. but I am somewhat thankful to grow up near a truly Ghetto City, so that I could become Redpilled On Race hahahaha.

of course now middle class white hipsters are moving into the city after college trying to Uplift it and show the evil white flight racists that they are racists for abandoning the city hahahaaha. i thought you were supposed to get more redpilled after you left college and started working in the real world. nope not necessarily. many of 28 year old self-loathing whites trying to uplift ghetto neighborhoods hahaha.

abandoning a city eh, is that like abandoning a person hahaha. maybe what I did to her is the equivalent of a city becoming a violent black ghetto hahahaha.

seventh son makes his first appearance on the fatherland

ie seventh son is one of the big founders of TRS, showing some favor to the underlings here.

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/05/11/the-fatherland-episode-26-svenpai-notice-me/

so, a big episode for the fatherland in other words. well its a great show tbhfam. really gets to the meaning of the 14 words.

horry sheet MW replied to my comment on his vidya and said thank you to ME. ssssssempai nnnnnoticed me!!!!!!!

so that legitimates my whole blog and life hahahaha. bring in a screen shot of that to all job interviews hahahaha. see this neet alt right youtuber nnnnoticed me hahaha now hire me.

 

hehehehe is it bad that I havent listened to MW regularly in at least 3 or 4 months, and only heard about this despair video on a post on TRS forum, which I also have scaled way back on?

2016-05-11_18h18_15

yeah its a shitty comment and I deleted it like 2 times only to come back with a shitty low effort comment, but I figure it was a case of something shitty was better than nothing hahaha. and now i really get to PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK for morally supporting a good guy hahahahaha.

just like I PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK for donating $6.75 to TRS, even though other men donate $14.88 every single week.

and peter steele says, dont pat yourself on the back for doing works of charity, do something good for someone, and then NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT.

ok I see their point, and this isn’t a bad thing to do.

I just think its ok to pat yourself on the back once in a while, especially when you dont get a lot of pats on the back IRL from others.

and besides, TRS and MW are truly good causes. not a lot of overhead your money can be wasted on, also no tax benefit for the donator.

i am sure at some point in the future I will do something nice for somebody and not brag about it hahaha.  but I am simply not that secure yet. let me get some good feelies out of this at least! its like I get to cuddle with 3dpd aryan innocent waifu to boost my morale that way!

its either bragging about charity or smoking MJ. which is more degen hahahahaha.

anyway i should go for a little powerwalk outside.

ok did that, burned 410 calories? not bad. didnt even jog once, got some sun, it was 70 degrees.  hopefully got some vitamin d, finished previous episode of fatherland.

its really COZY or COMFY, you know the pepe meme where he is wrapped up in a blanket drinking hot cocoa with a roaring fire and its is just very comfy.

http://comfyneetpepe.tumblr.com/

oh god this is great. proud comfy neets openly hating on WAGECUCKS or as he calls them, WAGIES. hey WAGIE whatcha doin? goin to WORK to make more money for bossman hahahaha. omg.

https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:http://comfyneetpepe.tumblr.com/

for posterity

anyway that had to be done by a good guy, there are schlomo merchant memes in there as well. hilarious.

http://archive.is/gRTv1

archive.is does a little better job with the format

portrays neets as alpha males who are banging wagie’s wimmin while they are at work like pathetic wagecucks hahaha getting cucked by alpha NEETs hahahaha. so ridiculous.

anyway MW needs something like this, he is too stressed. sometimes you need to get comfy. yeah I REALLY wanted to get comfy with That Woman. Cuddling with your waifu would EASILY qualify as TOP comfy. but thank GOD there are other ways to get comfy too. like smoking tons of MJ and listening to the fatherland. and when MW is not despairing, he is pretty COMFY too.

 

 

I WAS IMPORTANT TO YOU TOO

may 2

i mean its not like i was some obsessed weirdo just because she was the first woman to be nice to me in 3 years. besides when unattractive women are nice to me i dont fall in luv with THEM hahahahahaha.

its that we REALLY got along, we would hang out, we were actual friends, and I dont want her to FORGET that. and blame everything on me being a “Thirsty Weirdo”. NO WAY. There was a time where I was LIterally Important to you too baby. missy. ya god damn stupid broad. I was important to you too.  or have you forgotten. probably. don’t even try to DENY it. i guess you can forget it like you forget everything else, but dont DENY it.

heh i actually ordered a stick of RAM for muh computer off amazon with muh gift card that I earned from doing a market research study hahaha. just give me cash hahaha. give me a prepaid visa card, i dont care. i guess i could have gotten the whole balance Disbursed (15 DAH word that SHE doesnt know HA!!!) into a Walmart gift card instead. i got 50$ put into a walmart card and gave that to muh fam as payment for me being a huge bum wawawawawaa.

anyway this ram will double the amount of memory if it works. and it will permadestroy muh computer if it doesnt hahaha.

ok how about this proposal:

when you want to get out of a rel and the other person doesnt, ask them what would be the best way for it to end. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, TO MAKE THIS EASIER ON YOU.  and then try to Honor those wishes as best as possible, within reason, so that the person being dumped can say, yeah, they made an honest effort at making this as painless on me as possible, and acted like a mature, reasonable adult.

THATS what people should do.

Heh. I would have taken her to a SHRINK JUST to help her END IT better. ok shrink, i cant make her want to stay in this, but at least shrink please help her to end this better. tell her about collins gillath 2012 and how to put that into practice. why it might interest you to have the person you dumped not hate you. why it might interest you to not break someones heart so bad.

maybe it was her punishment for me for “TORTURING” her for months, by BUGGING her PUSHILY to hang out.

it could be…..I’ll never know!!!!!!

however I wish there were more pictures taken with us so she would have a harder time forgetting it all. and she would be forced to delete those pictures, OR acknowledge that we had something Special.

welp i could have been working at the call center for 4 hours already hahahaha getting PAID. not even taking calls but getting TRAINED on the LEADING EMR software, training which costs THOUSANDS of dollars!!!!

and i would have had a CHANCE to PROVE to myself that I was as GOOD as HER in the competition of LIFE!!!!!!

oh boy not this again!

but yeah i do hate the way she dumped me especially because of that, because it was like saying “I totally DESTROY you in the competition of life. I am Sexier and more desireable than you, i am smarter and better worker than you, i make more money than you, i am a more valuable important person than you, you huge loser.”

and I would worry about that stuff ANYWAY, but this time it was worst of all because of the way she handled it. like really rubbing it in my face hahaha.

just a forgettable d1ck playing another forgettable round in the life creation process, creating another forgettable life, have to do another forgettable murder, did you hear Your Child scream as the j00ish abortionist chopped it up and sucked it out of you, then you just move on to the next forgettable guy and repeat the whole forgettable life creation and murder process. this is how Casually Evil Women are hahahahahaha.

ok that is a wild exageration and it would be wise not to truly believe that abotu all women….or else you will become a REAL woman hater.

hey i dont hate all women. i could care less about most women. i just dont like being Wronged by women that I trusted and had a Real Relationship with. not even normies like that. so its normie of me not to like it.

even when i was comfortable and normie with her, i was still weird and nervous and weirdo and awkward and uncool around other women. it takes a long time and a very special rel to be that comfortable and normie around a woman for me.

i just wanted her to accept her share of responsibility in the relship. it TAKES TWO to make it and she was no longer willing to do that. at least be AWARE of that and say hey listen, I don’t want to have this RESPONSIBILITY any more, and Im SORRY to LET YOU DOWN and DISAPPOINT you. not this well of COURSE i dont have ANY responsibility here bullshit. how can you be so immature and still be an adult who destroys me in the Competition of Life?

at my easy job i used to work with this really cute girl who was very happy and bubbly and positive and nice and smiling and also very cute. i maybe would have tried dating her (hahahaha) if the whole time she wasnt going out with this guy. he was so far beneath her league i couldnt believe they were dating. she was super young and cute, he was nothing special, not tall, not strong. his only strength was that I guess he was a good guitar player and he looked like some shaggy classic rock guy, with long hair and a scruffy beard. i thought good for her for giving this guy a chance, and good for him to pull such a ridiculously cute gurl. she got a bachelors degree in Health Care Administration and started a career in that right away and now makes much more money than I ever will. She has got to be about 7 or 8 or 9 years younger than me. He worked in a factory or warehouse and probably still does but maybe he got promoted to supervisor. good for him. point is they got MARRIED and are still together. So I think that is a good thing. for a Career Gurl she was married by 24 or 25, which is YOUNG for a career gurl. It’s possible she never even took a lot of cox. So this scruffy uneducated slob pulled a smart, cute, young, nice, low-number gurl. However he was certainly more confident and more chill than me. But I would be more confident and chill with a real qt like that giving her loyalty and luv to me!

ultimately its a good thing and i hope they stay married and have some damn kids. they were both white but he was pretty……italian looking. but still technically white. just honestly very italian. so yeah they could still have some perfectly legit white children….and they SHOULD. she works in like Benefits Administration with a bunch of other young cute gurls with Bachelors Degrees in Health Admin or Marketing or HR or Business.

why didnt i just get a degree in BUSINESS. I too could have been making 16 DAH at age 22. been a damn manager by now making 25DAH.

Anyway she should quit her career with those sorority sluts and focus on the family hahahahaha. you cant get that many young career women together and not have it have a deleterious effect on the womens relationships with their men. if she leaves her man for a more alpha business man, I would be VERY disappointed in her. i want them to STAY married forever. or maybe she can leave him for me hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

no I would want to make sure that she dumped him in an ethical way, and that she was ready to Date again, AND that she hadnt fooked a bunch of guys in between. really tall order!

i mean her leaving him would not reflect well on HER. unless he was an abusive italian brute hahahaha. but i got the impression he was not the supplicating type and could probably Maintain FRAME. but like I say, he was not tall or strong or super handsome really. he looked like a member of the grateful dead or allman brothers or something.

but FRAME and CONFIDENCE is the MOST important thing.

ok took my Clerical Test. this is the actual computer test I got invited to because I sore 91% on the retarded 100 question multiple choice 2 hour exam hahahaha for the 13 DAH part time job. no actually this test was for the 37 k a year job, wow, waddya mean no city employee wanted that job.

i took a 3 minute typing test and got 69 wpm.  i will put this on my resume as 70 hahahaha. i know 70 is minimum for a lot of 10 DAH data entry jobs. the city job only wanted 40 wpm hahaha.

then there was an excel problem, a word problem, and writing a letter to a complaining person problem.

I used SUM and AVERAGE and created a Chart in the excel thing. I can use excel even VLOOKUPS hahaha but its hard for me to create a thing and have it look nice right away. it takes a few days of working with the sheet to tidy it up.

also the word thing, they said here copy this page. which included horizontal lines and weird styling and justified alignment and columns and insert shapes and styles and themes and shit.

then a question where I write a letter to a person complaining that the liberry fines is too damn high. so i said thank you for your concern, you’re right, some people do think they are too high, but unforutnately we had to increase the fines to meet out fiscal year budget. please visit the liberry to see your fines and tax dollars at work, with these excellent pogamz, such as immigrant ficki ficki raep appreciation pogams, and iphone ebooks about bondage billionaires and other important literature to enrich our dignified community.

i also said you can call me dear resident. I wonder if that is good or bad. becuase then you tie up resources on a squeaky wheel problem customer who will always find something to complain about.

imho the best way is to have the ceo say get the fook out of here, we dont need your business, asshole, youre wasting all our time and money. youre banned, bye bye. and there’s no one higher than me you can appeal to.

they should teach like 4 classes in high school on ALL the ins and outs of what to do in these tricky situations. and not just see a manager. but what the MANAGER would do, or what YOU would do if the manager doesnt WANT to deal with it, and tells YOU to deal with it.

anyway. im just saying. if there were crimes of the heart this would be one. she would be CONVICTED and SENTENCED due to the Incontrovertible Evidence that she committed a CRIME, did a BAD thing, and you just cant pretend its NOT a good thing. Oh thats ok that I killed him, he was being annoying. being annoying isnt a CRIME! well neither is abandoning, but I think its way more of a crime than being annoying!

YOU JUST DONT DO THIS TO PEOPLE, and I want her to UNDERSTAND THAT!!!!

is it MY JOB to make her understand that?

do I want to be with someone who doesn’t understand that?

I think she DOES understand it, shes just not motivated to act that way with ME.

because I’m not cool enough?

because she doesnt have any feelings for ME?

because it would be awkward as fook for her?

it just hurts me a lot. because I wasnt just some random guy and she just wasnt some random bitch. i knew her for 2.7 years and our friendship slowly got stronger and better and deeper until I fell in luv and then she closed off and then boom this is how it ends.

not a bang or a whimper or anything, just total silence.

just tell me i didnt deserve that! jsut tell me sorry for this pain. acknowledge! listen! hear!

ok i have made myself completely public on linkedin. this means i must not look at HER profile because then she will see it.  i have installed an extension that lets me block sites but linkedin urls are so fooked up, you get like a different session key thus different url every time so I had to use some wildcard shit which hopefully it works and I dont want to keep going to her page to find out.

also the cute gurls i worked with 4 years ago hahahahaha dont need them to know i am looking at them .

hopefully when she is 35 and miserable she looks back at this and is ASHAMED of what she did hahahaha.

yeah well my email address is on my linkedin page and on my indeed resume. anyone who knows my name can find my email address and contact me.

I just got dealt JJ on two hands in a row. first one i just about doubled up the starting stack. NOICE. second one, got folded to after a small raise.

and now i put it on my twitter page. i have maintained a twitter page of my real name since 2011 in the hopes of getting a grown up job hahahahaha.

in other words i hope she finds me on google and then finds my email address and then apologizes to me and says im sooooo sorrrrry i made a horrible mistake, now lets get together and i will luv u forever.

i am watching call the midwife i think is the name of this ridiculous english show and one woman is saying to a young mother, DONT ABANDON HER (your baby) BECAUSE YOU WERE ABANDONED! basically be the better person and break this horrible cycle of abandonment haha.

she just abandoned me because she had been abandoned and shit on too much. it was time for her to try doing it to someone else to see what it was like. to blow off some steam. to do this TO someone. and i was honestly the PERFECT candidate for abandonment. yep. it gives her some control, where when she was abandoned, she was at the “mercy” and control of others, and had no control herself.

 

NICE NOT TO BE A NEET

may 8

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/borderline.htm

well my view of others does not bounce back and forth quickly.

nor do i overshare too early. it takes me forever to open up.

scored 21, where 20 to 32 is “LIKELY”. GREAT.

i mean it only happens with romantic type rels.  and i am not back and forth or shallow. its THEM who is shallow. then they dump me, sometimes abandon me, and i am DEVASTATED.

i think this is probably more Highly Sensitive, than BORDERLINE.

https://www.counseling-office.com/surveys/test_borderline.phtml

i mean i dont have mood SWINGS. I’m just always in a bad mood hahaha.

i dont want to be BORDERLINE! This crazy woman I used to work with was diagnosed as borderline and she was both the most sad pathetic and the most obnoxious person ever. i do not want to be like that at ALL.

i pushed her away because i was bugging her…..but i wasnt bugging her every day. i was bugging her once every 2 weeks because i was upset we hadnt hung out in 10 months.

yeah i screwed up, i should just said, THIS ENDS NOW, we need to talk NOW, or IM done with YOU.

but that is just cowardness and meekness and timidity and unassertiveness…..NOT BORDERLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!

how come a mistake can never be just a mistake with me? its always gotta signal some major underlying disorder?!?!?!?!?!?!

well because I have taken despair meds and seen a shirnk for YEARS. normies dont do this hahahaha.

because i struggle greatly to do the things normies take for granted, like Work and Bang Bitches.

Or Date Bitches, for that matter hahaha. when you are in your 20s, you bang bitches. starting in your late 20s, you start trying to date bitches long term to find someone for Marriage.

at this point i just want to work a job i can at least tolerate, smoke MJ, and bang attractive bitches. use them for their hot bodies and nothing more. yes this is degenerate, but its not a permanent phases, besides its not hurting the white gurls any. THEY WANT THIS. it may not be good for them, but if they’re not getting dick from me, they’ll SURE be getting it from someone else, maybe even black guys. or arabs. so, better to get off on sluts, than to get no kind of luv at all.

at this point, better to be with sluts than be with no women at all. just dont marry the sluts or get the sluts pregnant and especially dont be FOOLISH enough to get feelings for the sluts. I cant see getting feelings for ANYBODY though. not even decent women. I just wanna pound ass.

i do want to pound bitches asses. i almost dont care about meeting nice gurls because i wouldnt be able to appreciate them. i am emotionally unavailable and will be for like another year. but i certainly have desire to pound ass and then disrespect the women who choose to degrade Human Life Itself by having casual sex.

well arent I degrading human like itself? yeah, but only 1% the amount the women are. they are MUCH more to blame. a uterus is hundreds of times more important than a sperm. not my issue if they dont know how their own damn BODIES work. Of course I will ALWAYS wear a rubber even if they dont request it, because I care about human life, and I also care about getting diseases from these diseased skanks.

heheh big official job interview tomorrow morning hahaha. like, not with a recruiter but with the actual company, in this case, the city gubbermint hahahaha. I dont have a good chance at getting the FT job at all, but better chance of getting the PT job. i will take it because it is a job that is not in a call center hahaha. though maybe it will involved tons of phone calls from angry arab business owners saying why u taking so long to approve my permit. uhhh cuz the guy who can approve it has been in meetings or off all week and doesnt have time to sign the paper hahahaha. we’ll mail you the permit in 4 to 6 weeks hahahaha.

ok well lets register not register a formal complaint then hahahaha.  sorry not sorry.

yeah well I dont want arabs in muh city so this would be a good thing hahahaha.

ill just be like I have enjoyed living in this city for the past 20 years and I would like to give back to this community which is such a excellent place to call home. Serve the residents of the city and make it the best city possible. Help us stay under budget and run as efficiently possible and give the most value in city services to our loyal taxpaying residents. I watch the city council meetings sometimes and recognize the names of the people on city council hahaha.

for some reason my legs are very sore today even though I have taken the last 2 days off from the Gym. I wonder if i Pulled The Hammies while going at 15 degrees on the treadmill the other day hahaha.

that feel when both of the higher ups you will be talking to who make very good money went to the college that was the big rival of your college. your college got made fun of as the snobbish nerds, while you made fun of them as the idiots that would be working for the grads of your college, who were smart and successful. hahaha. except for me hahaha. hopefully they dont say something about college football hahahaha. then i can be like i dont follow college football at all and they will be like what a WEIRDO, especially when both our schools were kinda big football schools.  so I will say football is for n1993r5, dont you know.

oh well

oh shit i think this interview tomorrow is STRICTLY for the PT position. damn.

so that means i dont even get considered for the FT one?

and now i cant log into the system where you apply for the city jobs. getting weirdass asp.net errors.

you gotta be kidding me. my BMR, IE the maximum number of callories I can eat per day without GAINING way, is like 1570 a day. meaning…..if i eat any more than that…..I GAIN weight.  and to lose weight I need to eat substantially less than that. but the national institute of health says men should eat at least 1200 cals a day.

not 1829 calories like i ate today. but we kinda knew today would be intense hahaha. big fam dinner.

not all women are huge sluts. SHE wasnt a huge slut. but she did…..

well leave me high and dry would be a better term. leave me in the lurch. leave me hanging. severely disappoint me. its not betrayal. just feel a bit sold out. LET DOWN. I was greatly LET DOWN. and not easily. not betrayed, just let down harshly.

no, being let down is not betrayal. that is quite savvy of me to realize, as the victim hahaha. i wish she were savvy enough to realize I did not betray her.

oh fook not THIS again. it doesnt MATTER. and she probaby doesnt even think that anyway.

but yeah got to get up early tomorrow and bomb this interview haha.

i dunno i am still happy i didnt take the CALL CENTER job. I am less nervous NOW, the day before an interview, than I was EVERY DAY before WORK at the tech support call center.

so that was how nervous i was there hahaha. every day was worse than a big interview.

anyway. some women who are not filthy whores will also not dump me like a psycho weirdo. not all women are like that, not all women will do that.

hey just think of woman 2012 . she was a decent woman ANDDDDDD she rejected me in a very nice way. Just think of woman2012. way more perfect than woman2015 hahahaha.

just wish I wasnt all sore today. And I dont really know WHY. I ahve been been more inactive than usual. maybe my new muscles are wasting away hahahaha.

i will go tomorrow if i dont die before or during the interview hahahahaha. i think they are going to do several rapid fire speed interviews with at least 3 candidates. starting me at 9:20. what a weird time.

hmm well they could easily do 3 people before lunch.  could do like 60 minute interviews with each person.

a fooking 3 person panel. jeez o petes. overkill. thinking it will be the city clerk, the city HR manager, and who knows who else. probably the fookin MAYOR. the fooking CITY MANAGER.  3 guys making like 80 grand a year interviewing for a part time job making 13 bucks an hour. or is it 14. i think its 13 and change.

oh well even if it goes horribly, its a good thing to do. neets dont go on interviews hahahaha. its how you graduate from being a neet hahahaha.

it would be nice not to be a neet. that is really the best thing about jobs hahahaha. but is it really worth it? with my last job and the combined situation there, I chose being a neet over that ridic situation.

may 9

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

well i did my interview, and i did not die before or during it. i was a little nervous and autistic. I did not get any of the people right who would be there. turns out the main purpose was to establish an ELIGIBILITY LIST for FUTURE jobs, so uhhhh it wasnt for a specific job that was opening up soon. it was 3 women. I was familiar with one of th women and she was very nice. I sent email thank you to my Contact in HR to please forward this thank you message to these three people who I could not find the email addresses for. I found one of them on linkedin and invited to connect. with thank you note I included all sorts of happy clappy platitudes and 2 letters of recommendation, the long resume, and list of 4 references.

rambled a big and sounded retarded and nervous and autistic. This is what I do, I ramble, I forget about that. I am so afraid I will freeze up that I forget really my big mistake is rambling and putting words together that do not go well together, so I sound autistic and neet virgin af.

switched to my old shitty suit jacket this time because it is a better fit (smaller) than the new $5 one I got. I really have to have a small ass suit coat because of my small petite princelike body hahahaha.

sent email at 11:07 am, well before lunch. had interview at 9:20 am.

i was nervous but not super nervous like I was ERRY DAY at my old job.

shaved with brand new razor and got tiny specks of blood on my White Collar hahahaha. hope the HR Women didnt see that. i didnt see it till i got home and removed the shirt.

probably didnt project much confidence wiht my body language. rambled on autistically. apart from those things i did OK, not horrible, conveyed that I was good enough for a minimum wage part time job hahahahaha.

it is amazing I have ever been hired for a job EVER.

but i have done it 9 or 10 times in my life. nevar forget that.

yeah.

oh well. body language, neet autism virgin withstandin g (not notwithstanding because my unemployable neetness was on FULL DISPLAY!), the fact remains that true neets don’t leave their houses to do ANY kind of interviews. so I got that goin for me hahaha. got up at 7 am, took a shower, shaved with new razor, brushed teeth and flossed, put on plain white broadcloth dress shirt, blue dress slacks, red tie, and semi shitty gray suit coat, decent dressy shoes. actually not super dress shoes, but somewhat professional looking skechers shoes with big clunky soles which make me look 1 inch taller. notbad.jpg.

hopefully the one person will accept my linkedin invitation. they have like 230 connections hahahahahaha. would expand my linkedin reach. good get. hahaha. but they seemed nice. AND they went to my fancy pants college. so there.

now HOPEFULLY my HR Contact will forward my email and attachments to the people as I asked hahahaha. she could just say fook that shit ayyy lmao and delete it, with no one the wiser, and the Panel would say, damn what a neet virgin ingrate, guess he doesnt really WANT to work, hahahahaha.

http://www.metalsucks.net/2011/04/13/metalsucks-exclusive-pt-ii-one-year-later-peter-steele%E2%80%99s-people-speak-about-his-life-his-music-and-his-last-days/

heh dont know why i feel such a connection to peter steele. i was reading the blog his family put together and they seem to sanction two decent women he met in his life, one of which claimed to be his wife. i dont know if she was a secret wife, or they got divorced many years ago, or who these women are, probably not the beotch who cheated on him and let to the making of slow deep and hard, which I find hard to believe was written in “4 hours”.  anyway I want to know more about his personal life, his youth, his 5 sisters, his parents, him as a teen, starting carnivore, fallout, him meeting josh silver the j00, the women he dated and fooked, the women he cheated on (well, not sure he ever cheated on a woman, dont want to slander him, but he has himself implied that he has done some women wrong), i really should buy the book. how he got his job with the parks dept, did he drink and party a lot when he was young, what the hell did fallout really do, his formative memories, his true luvs and heatbreaks, the things he read, his thoughts on all sorts of stuff. why did he fook up those relationships with those two women hahahaha. or did they dump him. why didnt he marry one of them. talk about his time in rehab. his time in pennsylvania. shit i think he was technically in pennsylvania when he died. did they do any sort of “toxicology” report when he died. I read an internet rumor that he might have used heroin before he died. but he never used heroin, only coke.  but maybe he got all worked up one day and did a bunch of heroin leading to his death. an accidental overdose. not saying this happened. but yeah why not just marry the gurl you were in luv with when you were 18. he wasnt a neet wizard virgin, and dated and probably fooked gurls when he was 18. why not just stay with them. I wish I were 18 and That Woman was 18 and we met at the same age and I was her first boifran and then by age 21 I would say hey lets get married hahahaha. and both our lives would have been different and better hahaha.

never mind that is not possible because she is 8 years younger than me hahaha.

maybe I should have looked for an older woman?

i wasnt really LOOKING for anyone. there was a time when we were friends and I was saying the same woman-hating stuff I usually do, hurrr durrrr all the women in the world are such dirty whores, i could never get feelings for a woman, why can’t i just get feelings for my female friend, we get along really well. and then I DID. and that went much worse than expected hahahaha.

hey i wasnt paranoid she would abandon me. therefore i am not borderline haha. no i did not see the total abandonment coming. I was afraid about the relationship ending and I was desperate and grasping….but I wasnt contacting her 100000 times per day.

i mean i was a little annoying and pushy but not BORDERLINE!!!!! or maybe I am just vastly underestimating my own pushiness. all I know is, I did not see this ultimatum coming and was shocked. I knew there were obvious problems, but I really didnt think it would end like that, at that time.  i was BLINDSIDED.

people with borderline assault perfectly reasonable people, people who would never abandon a person, people who will Break Up with somebody the right way, with 100 messages a day saying please dont abandon me! please dont abandon me! what are you doing right this second! who are you with! etc etc.

i never did anything remotely like that. I just wanted to hang out once in ten months. borderline people will actually hang out with you, then the day afterward, say stop abandoning me. youre cheating on me, arent you.

i never did anything close to that.

besides, even if a borderline person is paranoid that you will abandon them…….still doesnt give you the right to abandon them without saying anything. you say im sorry but im leaving you, I cant deal with your paranoia any more. or you give them an ultimatum: you have one more chance to stop being paranoid or i’m leaving you. I will also let you know when I’m leaving.

she made some implication that I was pushing her away, because i apologized for the 90000th time about being pushy, and she once said “tbh thats why ive been so distant”

and that was the most i got out of her. well thanks for blaming everything on me hahahaha. cuz its all about you. you cant TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM here and decide to make a cameo appearance just to show a damn BONA FIDE. just hang out with me for 2 hours once in 10 months. I am not asking to hang out with you 3 nights a week! damn!

TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM baby. go through the motions once in 10 months! even women giving their husbands going through the motions sex do it like once every two months!  you can hang out with me once in 10 months and me pushing for that shouldnt all be blamed on me being too pushy! take some damn ownership and responsibility here! this isnt about me or you, its about us hahahaha.

yeah i mentioned ownership and accountability in my neet interview today and I saw them write shit down as I mentioned good buzzwords, like proactive not reactive; show initiative and accountability; be transparent and communicative; take initiative to learn things for yourself; follow up and follow through. provide great service. empathize. listen actively. dont take emotions personally.

TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM AND HANG OUT WITH ME ONCE IN 10 MONTHS. 

thats a good post title hahaha.

would i banish j00 josh silver from my white homeland? maybe, but it doesnt matter. i like that he was close with peter steele and also he works as a paramedic. being a MEDIC was his Plan B in life to take care of his family, which has now become his plan A. No J00s work as paramedics. they are all medica doctors. it is hard to find a less j00ish profession. you know who becomes paramedics? white party dudes who are too lazy to get a full degree and just want to make modest money and bang bitches. my friend and I always used to think we were such huge intellectuals because we went to college and knew the names of philosophers, while his younger brother was more of a “meathead jock” and banged hawt popular gurls and became a paramedic and made more money and banged better looking gurls than we did, hahahaha. with less brains and less education, hahaha. I was too immature to realize the younger brother was simply charismatic and a hard worker and very pragmatic. find something you can make ok money at without a 4 year degree. ok ill be a paramedic and have the excitement of saving peoples lives and just go to skool for 1 year.

well he did just that and has probably gotten promoted several times, maybe decided to Finish Up a useful health degree with tons of useful real world medic experience, and I think got engaged or married to some young hawt gurl. thankfully my friend, the older brother, is finally doing well with his career, but it was a kind of bumpy ride. but he made it and good for him. he might be able to get me an entry level customer service job if I am willing to leave my family behind hahahaha.  maybe 10 years ago, maybe. but 10 years ago he was not in that position!

like 10 years ago I got approved to do an americorps program in rural oregon. I ultimately said no sorry. but now I kinda wish I had said yes. knowing what I do now, I would have said yes. how the hell did I convince them, over the phone, to say YES to ME???? I was even more autistic back then!!!!! or was I??? maybe I was more charismatic because I had been with a woman within 2 years and not 12 years hahahahahahahaha. and I still drank so maybe that made me more charismatic too. but i dont think it did…..

anyway i can respect a j00 that does a white mans working class job and did not face any j00ish career privilege hahaha. I guess they have those kid of j00s in new york, but they sure dont have them here. here all the j00s are medical doctors and make at least 100k a year and all live in their rich j00ish neighborhood. round here, j00ish is synonymous with SUPERRICH. maybe josh silver is an orthodox j00 hahahaha. or maybe his family disowned him because j00s arent supposed to get tattoos.

ok i see the cover art of slow deep and hard is actually a peepee pounding a poosay, exactly like something you woudl see in a porno, and which was probably taken from a porno mag. and that v shaped thing is an upside down cvnt flaps, while the lighter green stuff near the top, is the throbbing c0ck. most of the c0ck is buried in the cvnt whcih is upside down and at the bottom. INTRADASTING.  i dunno, i refuse to look at porno any more, so i have no idea what Degenerate Coitus looks like.  i just know that women dont care much about getting pregnant, because they can just murder their babies and not care.

i would have liked to do that to That Womans cvnt, but she is too busy letting tons of other men do that, including black men hahahahaha oy vey. ima racist and i dont CARE. i DONT CARE about being a racist! I just care that I was dumped and heartbroken much like peter steele except i wasnt able to create great music out of it, nor do i have access to the hordes of casual recreational gothic ass to pound, like he did.

i wonder if he ever truly loved a woman again, after he became a rockstar and had easy access to poosay. Or did he just start doing coke and banging sluts and groupies. funny I think that all started between “october rust” and “world coming down.” the real loss of innocence. i picture everything from bloody kisses thru the october rust tour to be good times. october rust being recorded in a whirlwind after a 2 year bloody kisses tour.

then that tour probably started out real fun then maybe devolved into coke and nihilistic hedonism, also some people were dying that peter knew, and that made him sad, and supposedly world coming down was a very negative and painful and bleak album. i dunno it doesnt seem any more painful than slow deep and hard tho lololololol. and DAT RIFF in “world coming down” is super duper catchy.  anyway that is all speculation about what happened during that time. just that there had to have been a loss of innocence and youth at some point that happened sometime around 2000 and probably coincided with the coke. and peter blatantly went from looking young and secsy, to old and haggard. kinda like me. I was decent looking when I was young, but boy I aged about 20 years overnight and now look old and tired and dull. and at least pete was big and tall and could use that to pull gothic whores without effort.

TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM AND HANG OUT WITH ME ONCE IN TEN MONTHS.

not texting you 10 times a day what r u doing. who r you talking to. are you thinking about me. you should be.  THAT is borderline shit. not me.

boy i hope that woman forwarded my email to the relevant parties. I should have asked each person directly for their emails. Or I should have asked the woman directly when I was there. come to think of it i didnt actually see her personally. she was in her cubicle hidden in back. then I waited out in this atrium, and the 3 other women on the whatever committee were in another room, and they came and got me.

yeah it was probably some kind of committee. i asked for a business card to try to imply i would send a thank you email but they didnt have any.

also i was rambling and not communicating like TRUMP.

oh well. neets dont get dressed up and go to interviews even where they talk like neet virgins.

so therefore im not a neet virgin. but i might be borderline hahahaha.

no the key flashcard there is, i am not borderline because….i was not paranoid about her abandoning me, and her abandoning me totally BLINDSIDED me.

yeah just other times when i was dumped, there was never the feeling that the woman hated me, or was upset with me, or that i did something really wrong. they ALWAYS made a clear, valid, good faith EFFORT to spare my feelings. and that’s really all I can ask for. in hindsight I appreciate it, even though I was VERY ANGRY at them at the time. AND I still blamed myself: if i were MANLIER, she wouldnt have dumped me. but AT LEAST she TRIED to be POLITE to me when she dumped me.  Now I realize how damn important that is, and appreciate their efforts even more. they essentially showed some responsibility, some accountability, some OWNERSHIP over their own DECISIONS: like yes, I am owning up to my decision to dump you, it’s not your fault, if anything its MY fault. Im SORRY, but I just cant DO this.

thats ALL I wanted from her. amazing that an 18 year old gurl could be more mature and responsible than a 25 year old woman hahahaha.

oh shit got to remember to listen to this FALLOUT material from youtube. pre carnivore band featuring peter and josh da j00.

ok gonna try to do 1000 caljories now.