KEEP ON STRUGGULIN / SMART PEOPLE RUMINATE

mar 22

went to the shrink, better do post shrink analysis here.

i said i was concerned with muh woman hating, vs not all women are like that, and we talked about my Picker, some people pick crazy shitty people and say why are all women like that, when really its just them picking the worst women ever. fact is my PICKER isnt THAT fooked up. I picked a couple of actually decent women. at least half were good, defensible choices. they weren’t all crazy pieces of shit. even the ones that were bad or crazy, I can see how or why they were crazy, and I don’t hate them like I used to. even THAT WOMAN she’s not literally crazy or shitty or horrible….she just did a cowardly thing that happened to hurt me a lot. she didnt even want to hurt me a lot. if she did this to anyone else, they would not hurt as much. it’s not first degree evil, its more like manslaughter or accidental death. well….it wasn’t quite ACCIDENTAL.

anyway i can still read warning signs. I read the warning signs that said our rel was In Trouble, I just didn’t see anything that said it was gonna BLOW UP like it did. it didn’t think it was gonna be THIS bad. but it was CLEAR that things were not going well, and that she prob didnt want to Date me, but would rather get fooked by random Tyrones than be with a man who was truly committed to her hahahaha.

basically when i am sitting there talking to people I am not as weird or as fooked up as I think I am. is that just me wearing the mask? or is that my real self? i dunno I really dont think its a mask per se. i really dont. if anything i dont have any mask with the shrink and i am pretty comfortable talking to them!

i mean im not lying! i dont WANT to hate women!!!! i really hope not all women are like that!

i dont like being confused and overwhelmed all day where I dont know what to do….but i gotta do SOMETHING to solve the weirdass problems. think outside of the box ALL the time with lots of pressure. I can think outside of the box 50% of the time, but 100% of the time?

http://www.theapricity.com/forum/showthread.php?49040-Would-you-date-a-partner-which-had-relations-with-another-race-Or-damaged-Goods

i forgot about the apricity, a european cultural forum. they get really autistic about dna and mdna and ydna and clades and subraces and shit and allow nonwhites and jews and albanians hahah.

mar 23

AYO HOL UP HOL UP. AYO. HOL UP.

YOU TELLIN ME DAT PAUL NEWMAN was a JOO?????????

his FATHER was a 100% joo and his mother was slovak shiksa. so paul was 50% J. still not good. most 50% J’s identify as J’s. but i thought this masculine handsome man was 100% goy!!!! damn!!!!!

anyway just wanted to add that i have tons of unanswered questions, that will NEVER be answered. like what did she really think, what did she really feel. yes it matters to me. because i cared what she thought, and also it affects me directly.

i realized that another big thing i liked about her was that she was HONEST. I never got the impression that she was hiding anythign from me, that she had a double life. she was HONEST. that is HUGE. i TRUSTED her. so YUGE. many women, I get the feeling pretty quick they are not telling me the full story. like of all their guy friends they are banging hahaha. or that they are losing interest in me and dont really enjoy spending time with boring lame weak nice old me hahaha. they meet exciting secsy new guys all the time. ms popular.

she wasnt like that AT ALL. she had barely any friends, she would drop her friends when they turned out to be bad influence losers, and just hang out with her family instead. i liked this. these are all good signals.

an when she was avoiding me, she had excuses, but they weren’t really LIES. and I really dont think she was LYING when she said she wanted to hang out at some point.

what she didnt say though, was that she wanted me to lose my feelings for her before we could hang out again.

i think she was honestly interested in staying friends for the long term…..IF I didnt get special feelings for her. she couldn’t handle that AT ALL.

and at that point she didn’t LIE, she just stuck her head in the sand like an ostrich.

but yeah i just wanted to note that it was very important to me that she was so honest. that is a very important quality for me. very very very. not that i’ve had women BLATANTLY lie to me….but they had a very sneaky, covert, duplicitous, two faced way of hiding things and almost being two people. I HATE that sneaky shit. HATE it.  It’s The Woman’s preferred way of lying. I would PREFER BLATANT lies. boldface lies. not these sneaky jooish lies. and i dont mean to imply they are “little white lies.” little white lies are harmless. these sneaky lies are harmful. like yeah im gonna dump you because id rather fook more interesting guys. bet ya didnt see that coming! well….i kinda did, cuz its not like i really TRUSTED them. I WISHED I could trust them, but i clearly couldnt.

with her, I really TRUSTED her, and she did seem really honest and trustworthy. And technically she never lied to me! she was honest but was a big time AVOIDER. avoiding sucks but it isnt really lying.

and yeah we got along GREAT. it was a very special good friendship where we got along so well. I appreciated that. it was no surprise that it finally “CLICKED” for me. That I wanted this great special friendship to go to the next level. it’s not every day you meet someone you get along with THIS well. only happens a couple of times in your life.

i dont like Online Dating because you just meet too many people short term and it seems like a job interview except with fooking. i am sure it leads to promiscuity. i mean if you go out with a guy for 3 dates, you HAVE to fook him right? then immediately lose interest in him and Ghost him hahahaha. repeat the process with another online guy. check the check boxes. well this guy is OK but not great. and there are 60000000000000 other guys out there willing to Date me. one of thems gotta be better.

this is the total opposite of how we became friends. i first met her at a job, we got along immediately but i didn’t trust her right away becuase im not an idiot. but after months and months of getting along well, i began to trust her and know her better.

with online dating, youre not going to get months and months to get to know someone better. you have a good impression on the first date, good impression on the second date, then fook, then continue making good impressions or you’re gone and IMMEDIATELY replaced with a new candidate. or you already know the woman is having several first dates with new men every week, because that’s normal and not frowned upon like it should be.

and thats the world shes getting into. its horrible for women and its not great for me either.

why couldnt she appreciate how WELL we got along?  that doesnt come along very often in life!!!!!!!! it was a special thing!!!!! treat it like its special!

but I can forgive her because i know this was just cowardice and immaturity and stupidity. there was no malice or deception intended. it was just a big baby acting like a big baby.

i think ideally she WANTED to continue being friends. but she also wanted me to stop these feelings. and i just couldnt do that. if i could i would!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I was bad about communicating and she was 600000000 times WORSE.

so i have good reason to believe that she WAS hurt by losing our rel, as I would hope that she would be, that she DID find our rel important to her, she wasn’t LYING about that……i just wish she had the BACKBONE to be able to TELL me that, so that it was NEVER in doubt.

so many unanswered questions. so many questions i have to ask her, like what were you honestly thinking and feeling? For you theres not so many unanswered questions becuase I wrote you long emails and tried to answer any question you might have had about my feelings and how things developed. I just wanted you to similarly answer some questions for me. just share your feelings honestly with me. I know you can be honest. I luved your honesty.

so yeah it was very important for me just to get along so well with a female human being. that hadn’t happened since like 2005. took 7 years for me to meet her and have it happen again. also i didnt fall in luv with the woman from 2005!!!!! she was literally just a friend and I was fine with that.

heh. i don’t mind being friends with women. i LIKE it because it proves i dont hate women, and that i can get along with women. and unlike Dating, everything isnt stupid and rushed. I dont have to wear a mask and pretend to be more macho, or feel pressured to have secs too soon, like all women want to cuz theyre sluts. dating sucks, being friends is fun and positive. i like getting along with women. and at this point, my ideal is friends first, then develop into moar. because you actually have something there that’s real, long term, sustainable, sustaining. my friendships with women have always seemed a lot more REAL than when i dated women, which was like a rushed production. it was real fun in parts, but overall, it was a rushed production. not so with my women friends. there everything was completely natural and good. until i got feeligns hahaha. but it would have been so good if it worked out.

i mean i can reasonable conclude answers to most of my questions and try to reassure myself with that: she doesnt HATE me, i didnt do anything WRONG, she doesnt’ think i BETRAYED her, she just wanted to AVOID stress, she DOES value knowing me and thought our time together was special and good…….but it would have been 6 gorillion times better if she had just TOLD me that. or wrote me an email telling me that hahaha.

i told you a bunch of stuff even though you didnt ask. didn’t you care enough to ask? i think she did care, she was just too cowardly to ask, there wasnt enough BENEFIT to her to ask. besides, I gave her a lot of answers, so therefore, less incentive to contact me for more answers.

well, assuming she even read the emails. that’s something i’ll never know. I’m sort of assuming she just deleted them, or never read them. but maybe she did! I hoped she did but i’ll never know if she did. if she wanted information and answers and explanation from me, she could find of ton of that in there. i gave her everything she could possibly want: answers, explanation, availability, openness, willingness, and also I flipped out and left the job, which meant, for her, that she didn’t have to see me, look at me, deal with my Creepiness. So it was technically a huge WIN WIN for her. she could very realistically pretend I never existed. She could ignore me and I would go away.  it worked out perfectly for her. she continues at the job, moves up in career and life, meets exciting new men, our Good Friendship becomes an increasingly faded and forgotten memory, there is plenty of fun new stuff to overshadow it.

meanwhile i am completely devastated because i can’t deal with stress. a little bit of stress and rejection and heartbreak and my whole life is literally ruined. this is a way of symbolically K’ing myself, because I am not into actual literal Suizid. some people eat a bottle of pills, some slash their wrists, a cry for help, some people cut themselves, drink too much…….i just quit my job and become a neet loser hahahaha.

my yeah. muh feelings. it hurts to have an important person in your life and then boom they are totally gone. not because they died, but because they LEFT you. COMPLETELY. left you and completely BLOCKED you. it would be better to have one of those half-ass break ups where you think you might get back together again because she’s being too nice to you. like what happened with woman2005. then eventually i came to hate her in a way i will never hate This Woman, and probably that hate helped me get over woman2005. that took way too long thouh hahaha.

i just take a long time to get over women in general. it sucks.

i either want to have HER, or to find someone new as quickly as possible to replace her and forget about her. but i know it just doesnt WORK like that. it just takes a very long time to get over the previous person. so i hate it when women jump into new rels so quickly just because they can. it’s not fair to the man. take a long break from dating AND FOOKING AND ALL PHYSICAL STUFF when you end a rel, BITCHES. hahahaha.

but yeah the feeling of being replaced. she would rather fook some new guy than hang out with me, rather have casual meaningless sex than give our rel the respect it deserved. unbelievable. DISGUSTING.

but we actually had spent a decent amount of time together over the years. she never used to blow me off, avoid me, I wasn’t like her guy of the week where she was interested in me for like a week or a month like some other women. she didnt treat people like that, and i liked that about her. i don’t want to hang out with people who burn through their interest in me so quickly. im not just some flavor of the week hahaha. i am all about long term everything. no social relationship, friendship, or Romance should EVER be short term.

its not so much she did a 180.  i didnt feel she was being dishonest. if anything she was confused and didnt know what to do, so she did nothing. she probably KNEW the right thing to do, but she avoided doing it because it was too HARD. I guess I just want to know that she was smart and decent enough to even KNOW what the right thing to do here was.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2013/12/23/finding-a-poosy-paradise-by-womens-number-of-facebook-friends-around-the-world/

hehehe THAT WOMAN was also not an ATTENTION WHORE who had 500 or more fb friends!

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/05/20/the-thirst-a-closer-analysis/

hehehe he is honestly an excellent writer. that makes me more willing to believe his degenerate points, which may be bad. but this isnt degenerate, its just Human Nature goy!! there are rumors that heartiste is at least somewhat a J, and that he gets his ideas from Black Bigman Ooga Booga Thuggery. But women will respond better to a Caricature of Masculinty than the absolutely lack of masculinity from modern white males like carl the cuck or aids skrillex hahahaha.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2014/05/16/incel-vs-insol/

mar 24

had a weird dream, interesting dream. yes she was in it for 1 second. we were in this large building or ship. there were lots of rooms and floors and a decent amount of people in there. the place seemed kind of dingy and shitty overall. but behind one small unassuming door in a small unassuming room, the door opened up into a huge magnificent ballroom. it was in a slight state of disrepair but it was clear it could be fixed up with any effort. it was huge and just kept going and going. in that dreamlike way, it was SOOO big that eventually it became Outdoors.

anyway i found a small hole next to an old car and for whatever reason climbed into the hole and slid down to the bottom, which was a lot further than i expected. it was a tiny cramped narrow hole but a very long one. very claustrophobia inducing. there were other people in the hole all holding onto each others legs so they didnt slip further. i was now the bottom person in the hole. to get out i had to climb up all of the other people in the hole.

essentially it was last one in, first one out; first one in, last one out.

so the people nearer the top kinda get screwed. they have to wait longer before they can climb out.

now once i got out i stayed at the opening of the hole and tried to help people. not sure how that worked but i tried hahaha. i morally supported everybody hahaha. said its ok keep going were gonna get you out of here soon.

so i figured that was a good metaphor for my life and my mission: to help people who had fallen down the same hole I did.

so i saw HER in the dream because i was on the WARPATH looking for her: “she’s AVOIDING me, but im gonna FIND her!” she was avoiding me but not making a huge effort to HIDE from me, so I found her a few rooms over, hanging out with her new exciting secsy friends. only it wasn’t really like that. she appeared to be laying on a couch with a much older man laying on top her her. like a 60 year old man. but they werent doing anything Secsy. weird. the whole room was filled with quiet sad looking people. I came in and made a scene like “HA! I FOUND YOU! YOU CANT HIDE FROM ME!” and then I found out everyone was so quiet and sad because it was some kind of memorial service for a dead person. great. now i looked like a real asshole. and she would never come back to me. not sure why the old man was laying on top of her. maybe it implies she was molested by an adult when she was young? but I really don’t think she was!!!!!!!!! MAYBE she was. it would explain quite a lot actually. but i have no idea, no proof, and i will never know.  its POSSIBLE and it would explain a bit of her behavior. she may have had a deadbeat father but her mother was pretty good as far as single mothers go, took good care of her, did not neglect her, and prob would not let her be molested! but still all it takes is once, plus children can be scared to come forward.

but yeah its NICE to have an ACTUAL female friend for several YEARS, it’s an actual real relationship with a woman, not some open and shut charade where it begins and ends within 3 months. they quickly lose interest in you and are immediately with a new more exciting guy.

not with her, she was open and honest with me from the beginning, was interested in me, cared for me, gave me time and attention for about 2 YEARS. that is pretty valuable and special IMHO.

like i say, it was a muuuuuuch more important relationship than any of the gurls i “dated”, which were all under 3 months. short term BULLSHIT. this was a long term rel that actually meant something.

yes that is very hard to lose.

yeah i was more invested so i can’t really blame her for “breaking my heart” as much as I can be mad and disappointed in her for simply not CARING that I was HURTING. In a longterm friendship you usually show CARE and CONCERN for the FEELINGS of the other person.

anyway. how do you bullshit a person when you dont know what you’re doing? how much should you study every day after work? well no more than 2 hours i would say. you still gotta go to the gym, GOMAD, and spend time with your family. and stay up till 4 am writing papers for your univ of pheonix class, so you can one day make 16 DAH in an office job, really advance your career, and find a good white wife with all that money and confidence hahaha!

then get 2 hours of sleep and go try to solve weird problems on the phone for 10 hours where it feels like a test that you did not study for at all, an oral exam administered by impatient proctors. “what do you mean? that doesnt make sense. well what happens if bla bla bla bla stuff you’ve never heard of before?” “uhhhhhh i dunno let me try to find out for you, please hold.” 5 minutes later. “Ok did you mean x or y or z?” “what do you mean? I’m just saying bla bla bla bla.” “ok please hold, let me ask again.” 5 minute later. “ok here’s what they’re saying. they’re saying this can’t be done, its not built to do this.”  “well are they gonna fix it? this sucks.” “yep it does suck. and no, I don’t believe they are gonna fix it any time soon. i can check if you give me 5 minutes.” “no thats ok. but what do i do here now?” “hmmmmmmm. great question. let me get back to you in 5 minutes. too bad the level 2 didn’t advise me what you should actually DO here, 5 to 10 minutes ago. please hold!” asking the level 2: “so what do they actually DO here? caller is confused and so am I. I don’t know what to tell them. Is there anything they can DO.” 5 minutes later, from level 2: “Nope not really. can’t be fixed. tell them to start over again I guess.” to customer: “level 2 says nope nothing you can do but start over. i guess hahahaha.” “can I talk to this level 2? I can’t believe they said that.” “neither can I, but I promise you they did, and I can’t think of a way to candy coat it. but you can’t talk to them. they have to give shitty answers to 20 different people in this chat room for the next 4 hours, they can’t take calls.” “wtf kind of operation are you running over there?” “yeah I know. its absolutely ridiculous. I couldn’t explain it to you even if I understood it. But a lot of time I end up trying to explain things I don’t really understand.  it truly boggles the mind and will drive you insane. want to switch jobs? please save me from this hell! what did I do to deserve this! I must have made baby torture snuff videos in a previous life!!! I must have been the worst person ever! Why is GOD Punishing me like he did with Job? at least Job had strong faith and a successful life! You’re not really teaching me anything here GOD, except that life is suffering!”

Well, life kind of IS suffering!

Well, maybe the more accurate thing to say is life is STRUGGLING, but it doesn’t have to be constantly SUFFERING. you suffer too much, and then you lose the will to keep on struggling.

anyway the job is sorta like that scene in monty python holy grail where prince herberts father tells the 2 guards to STAY HERE, AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T LEAVE. And the 2 guards hilariously misunderstand that simple instruction and he needs to explain it 20 times and they STILL misunderstand it EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Only instead of ridiculously simple and straightforward instructions like

YOU BOTH STAY HERE.

YOU BOTH MAKE SURE HE DOESN”T LEAVE.

it was super complicated and 50-step procedures that you had no concept of, had never done before, had no idea what they looked like, and which may include other things in there which they didn’t mention and you don’t know what to do on those contingencies.

so in other words, it was really easy to screw up and you were essentially being given incomplete and vague instructions not appropriate for the complicated task you had to do. quickly. while explaining it. but not understanding it.

imagine if the GUARDS were trying to explain to you MUCH more complicated things than in that movie.

so you kinda had to be like the guards and try to interpret instructions in the weirdest ways so you could ask in advance, well what if THIS happens? what if THAT happens? are you SURE you included everything weird that may or may not pop up during that huge procedure? is there ANYTHING else that MIGHT happen that I MIGHT need to know? I’ve never done this before. You’ve been here 3 years and actually seem to know shit. I don’t KNOW shit. Just tell me what to do and i’ll do it, but know I don’t really know right from wrong. I’ve only been here for a few hellish months and still don’t have good knowledge and judgment.

I DONT KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG.

to such a morally minded person as me, it is INFURIATING and MADDENING to not know right from wrong in so many situations. Is this right? i dunno, i guess. Is this working properly? I dunno, i guess, i don’t see anything wrong happening, though I might not recognize wrong when I see it. These aren’t moral matters, but weird technical matters.

i was way smarter than her! yet i freaked out and got flustered a lottttttttt more than she did. of COURSE that annoyed her. everything I did ANNOYED her.

well then tell me what you would do in this situation.

i dunno lol just figure something out.

but you’re an idiot. you don’t know how to figure jack shit out. i just want to know what to do. thats why i study this shit feverishly when i GO HOME. you just smoke MJ and hang out with your FAMILY hahahaha.

its not like she was hanging out with GUYS or was super social either. She was blowing me off just so she could SIT AT HOME with her FAMILY. it’s better than being blown off to party with the gurls or suck dix, but still. Why can’t I just come over and hang out with your family too? I wouldn’t mind seeing them more. I know family is important to you, I agree, family is very important. I wouldn’t mind meeting your family.

i met her mother several times and that was ok, but I would have liked to spend more time with her family to show them i was a decent guy who could be trusted, was a decent guy for her.

and as my feelings grew, she seemed less willing to allow me near her family. or maybe that was just a side effect of her avoiding me in general haha. probably yes the latter. again i don’t think she was deeply thinking about anything at all. she was just quickly emotionally reacting.

I was emotionally reacting too, but I was also deeply deeply obsessively thinking about it over and over and over. ruminating. I dont think she was a Ruminator whatsoever. Shit I wish she were. SMART people RUMINATE.  hahahaha. well, smart people THINK about shit at least a LITTLE bit. she doesn’t THINK about shit AT ALL.

well she didnt think about our situation at ALL. that sucks. she’s willing to think about other rels and other guys but not me.

well hell i’ll never know. I want to know, were you even thinking about me. did i matter to you at all? or was I really just a piece of garbage to you? i can’t believe THAT.

shit. it was such a clusterfook. the fact that the job was paired with HER, made HER all the more worse; and the fact that she was paired with the JOB made the JOB all the more worse. Really destroyed my confidence in Doing Jobs (and having Rels with Women.). so now i cant feel i can do ANY job.

how to bullshit convincingly in tough situations. how to sell someone on an idea even you dont believe. how to fake confidence. how to sound like you believe your own bullshit.

drinking really weak watery coffee seems to be best on my stomach and guts and such. best way to get your caffeine/coffee fix. i just cant drink strong coffee. otherwise too much pooping and gurgling. needs to be weak. jelly of those men who can drink super strong coffee.

so im sitting here looking at maps of new caledonia and the maldives and the kyber pass and the seychelles and some french island i never heard off near comoros and madagascar, rather than doing important productive stuff. wondering, do they have Nightclubs and Hookers here. but why do I want to bang melanesian and polynesian and indian and asian and african hookers? i dont really.

maybe i would rather bang nonwhite hookers than white hookers though. hooking is so degenerate i dont even want to THINK of white women doing it.

ok paul of tarsus is the same as the saul who became paul on the road to damascus. he was called “paul the apostle” but was not an official twelve apostles. how could he be. he was killing christians. well i dunno about that. hes the one who wrote all the Letters/Epistles.

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/5-tips-for-lightning-fast-decision-making.html

google how to make decisions quickly.

jsut DO SOMETHING FAST. dont sit there and scratch your head. DO SOMETHING NOW. AND EXPLAIN what you’re doing and why you’re doing it while you’re doing it. fast fast fast. move move move.

https://hbr.org/2013/07/make-good-decisions-faster

transient advantage. I READ THE HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/strategic-thinking/201307/make-good-decisions-faster

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sliding-vs-deciding/201603/in-love-and-marriage-practice-doesn-t-make-perfect

ie, people that are huge sluts with high numbers have lower marriage satisfaction and commitment because they rode the carousel and have no oxytocin left hahahahaha

being promiscuous is simply not emotionally healthy for people.

Girls are also having anal sex: 20 percent of women 18 to 19 have, 40 percent by ages 20 to 24.

from this shitty article:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/open-gently/201603/teaching-girls-the-truth-about-sex

what about 28 year olds? is that like 60% then?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests

http://personalexcellence.co/blog/analysis-paralysis/

http://www.inc.com/larry-kim/6-ways-to-make-faster-decisions-infographic.html

some real ted talks bullshit hahahaha.

maybe this bitch catlady with an mba and 10 cats and no children, and cant keep a man because she’s 50, only has thirsty omeegas lusting after her dried up womb, and the successful men she works with dont even consider her for an affair because she’s 50 and crazy, maybe she can teach me how to make good decisions faster hahahahaha.

me and the woman had a GOOD rel.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201603/4-signs-new-relationship-has-long-term-potential

according to this article, we had a lot of long term potential. i shared her values. i accepted her for who she was. she accepted me for who i was.  she was warm and trustworthy for the first 80%. did we have equal mate value? well not any more. her mate value is WAY higher than mine hahaha. but in the beginning it seemed we had much closer mate value. we were both making Pretty Good money. but fact is, she was younger and Prettier hahaha. but as friends and humans we had about equal Human Value hahahaha.

she made me feel good about myself. well in the first 80%. near the end, i felt horrible about myself because she was rejecting me and avoiding me and shutting me out and that really hurt.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/counseling-keys/201603/rules-texting

when you are texting more than you are really talking, its time to have some FACE TIME hehehehe.

yep. she increasing didnt want to talk face to face so I was increasingly dependent on TEXTS, and facebook messages, and instant message chats. she could CHAT with me from across the room, but she couldnt talk to me face to face. it was SO fooked up. well to be fair i was weird in person too. but if i had like 1 hour to hang out with her outside of work, then it would have been better. at work there was always WORK hanging over your head. better get back to work before you get in trouble. im worried about our rel but i’m also worried about this work i don’t know how to do.

but then when i saw her outside of work at The Final Event, she was very distant there too though.

however there was no way I could have a serious conversation with her there. it was loud and public and she was with family member. come on. and that was the last time i ever talked to her. damn. she did not want to see me outside of work AT. ALL. so me aproaching her outside of work was the NAIL IN THE COFFIN. but do you really expect this from a Good Friend? hell no!

i think a 2.5 Close Friendship is WORTH her writing a long email at least! its WORTH a long, serious conversation!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/office-diaries/201506/where-training-fails

hehehe companies hate training employees, but employees need training to do a good job! but companies give the wrong kind of training anyway. hey i forgot i technically had training. but the article is right, you need to train behaviors. we learned the behaviors by “SHADOWING” people actually doing their jobs. WATCH AND LEARN, they said. I wish there was more of an easing into there. like, we had more time to say do a 2 person call and be coached by the more experienced person. instead of 1 or 2 days of shadowing and then BOOM we had to do the job.

wasting time studying partially recognized states in the caucasus, such as abkhazia, south ossetia, nagorno kabakh.

y dna haplogroups. r1a.

anyway. i want to find a podcast to help you bullshit better and sound confident. so you can get jobs and women.  and not sound like a nervous inferior omega neet that cant get jobs or women. or you just get the shittiest fattest ugly women, and not for committment either, cuz they can do better than you hhahaha.

well the jokes on them, cuz i’m not interested in them either hahaha! i am only interested in women that are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY out of my league. hahaha. i guess in this way I’m also like a woman. wanting more than you can have.

CHAMPAGNE TASTE ON A BEER BUDGET!!!!!!!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/constructive-wallowing/201603/how-get-your-partner-talk-you

ok article here.

QUOTES:

E.g., “I’m feeling awkward and anxious right now; I really want to talk to you about ______, but I’m afraid.”

“I feel nervous approaching you about this because I’m not sure how you feel about it, but there’s something I really want to talk about.”

 “This is awkward for me, but I really want to talk to you about something. Do you have a few minutes?”

If the answer is no, then, “When would be a good time?”

(You can reasonably expect your partner to make time to talk with you. See my previous post on expectations it’s good to have in relationships.)

“I’m having a hard time with what happened the other day, and I just wanted to run my thoughts by you and hear what you think.”

“I’ve been feeling awful ever since we had that argument at the movie theater. I felt miserable both during after, and I’m afraid my misery made me come across as rude. Now I’m worried that our relationship is damaged. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and hoping we can get back to the way things were.”

If you value the relationship, don’t hesitate to say so:

“Our relationship is important to me. I want to feel close to you again, and so I need to be honest about my experience with this.”

END

some decent actual scripts for you to say. hhehehe that last one sounded like the email1 i sent here. our relationship is very important to me, i want to be close again, please lets communicate. where i went wrong was that I wanted her to communcate back with me then (she didnt) and i should have just said right then (or wayyyyy earlier): “i really want to talk to you, I have started getting feelings for you and I am feeling very confused and anxious. lets talk about this and not avoid it any more. It is going to change our relationship and I want to do that as painlessly as possible.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201101/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups

mr dreamy doctor dumps woman by email after 2 years of luv

good article too.

QUOTES

nything less than face-to-face sends a distressing message: “You don’t matter.”

“The pain of losing a meaningful relationship can be especially searing in the absence of direct social contact.” With no definitive closure, we’re left wondering what the heck happened, which can lead to the kind of endless rumination that often leads to depression.

“Situations where you have an incomplete picture of what’s going on are perfect ground for the development of rumination,” says Yale University psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. “It can send people into a tailspin.” Many dumpees emerge from the tailspin distrustful of others, making it difficult for them to establish closeness with future partners.

Dumpers themselves may come to re­gret surrogate sayonaras once they realize how badly their vanishing act hurt their former partners—and how little concern they showed. “Five years on, you don’t want to be ashamed of how you handled this,”

“You have an obligation to watch out for the other person’s self-esteem,” Virginia’s Portmann says. “Do not cut them down in such a way that it’s impossible for them to have another successful relationship. Why rub salt in their wounds? That’s torture.”

8. Communicate ongoing appreciation of the good times you shared.

12. Resist thinking you’ve lost your one true soul mate.

END

 

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