Mar 30

Addition to despair forums profile recently:


About Me
Yes, I have been a member since 2006! But I am much more a lurker than a poster and can go years without posting.

MARCH 2016: Still trying to get over my devastating events of 2015, loss of “loved one” and loss of job, something of an emotional breakdown, absolute destruction of all confidence. The loved one was a woman I liked who rejected me in a pretty bad way. She was more than a random woman, but an actual friend I had been friends with for over 2 years. As our friendship grew in depth and closeness and “intimacy”, I developed more-than-friends feelings for her. Because those were based on what I felt was deep mutual trust and knowing each other, the feelings were pretty deep and I thought she was “The One.” Obviously, this type of thing complicates a friendship, and I wanted to talk and communicate with her about it. At this time, she began avoiding me and always having excuses for not hanging out. We used to hang out regularly, now it was always excuses. I didn’t want to be pushy….but I ended up being pushy anyway. I should have just been ASSERTIVE and said “THIS ENDS NOW” and said WE NEED TO TALK, but I am more passive aggressive, less assertive. Not a good way to be with the ladies, hahaha. This pattern continued for 10 months and I was upset she couldn’t even put aside 2 hours to hang out with me outside of work and talk. We used to hang out! Also her excuses were somewhat legit and not really dishonest. She wasn’t dishonest, she was just a classic conflict AVOIDER. I’m the same way, partially, but this I couldn’t avoid. She, however, had no incentive to deal with it, whereas I did. She just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away. I wanted to put in my bet and get a solid yes or no. It was looking like a no, but she would rather avoid saying it. OK, I can understand. I was also sending verbal signals and pretty clear signs like “we have been friends for a long time and I appreciate you more and more the longer we’ve known each other, and I would like to continue to get closer to you and spend more time with you this year. you are very important to me and I am very thankful for you” etc etc. I think she successfully interpreted what that meant and then was scared by my feelings because she clearly didn’t feel the same way.

Anyway, over 10 months it built to a boiling point and she stopped talking to me altogether. Wouldn’t respond to my texts anymore, pretended I didn’t’ exist. This was not the way I wanted our almost 3-year relationship to end. I freaked out and quit the job we both worked at. We were friends BEFORE we both got this job in late 2013, we weren’t “just work friends” but that’s what it seemed she wanted us to become. I wrote her 3 long emails explaining my side of the story, my feelings, spelled it all out for her, begged her to respond, but she didn’t respond at all.

I felt like I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. For a long time, I blamed myself for “making her do this” and pushing her away from me. Like I betrayed her by getting feelings for a friend. She wouldn’t talk or respond to me AT ALL. And I didn’t want to be a “weirdo” and bombard her with messages. I felt I kept the messages to a non-weirdo level, but I did send 3 long emails over the course of 1 month.

I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings, to care about my feelings, and to show concern about an important relationship in both our lives for almost 3 years. I wanted her to tell me this friendship mattered to her and that it hurt her too, that the friendship had to be over. I know at one time I was an important friend to her. I just don’t like being thrown away, I didn’t feel like I was treated like a human being, it was a huge devastated heartbreaking disappointment.

Total lack of closure altogether. I have NO IDEA what she was thinking or feeling. I have TONS of unanswered questions that will never BE answered because she won’t talk to me. I felt abandoned, given up on, thrown away, like she bailed and gave up on me. When you want to get out of a relationship, at least TELL the other person. Write me an email at least. I wrote you long emails and explained as fully as I could what I was feeling. Try to do the same for me. Just show me a LITTLE mercy and kindness and appreciate that this hurts me. Care about me and my broken heart hahahaha.

Our job was super stressful, basically involved trying to fix and explain things you don’t really understand, to anxious callers with strange technical problems. You never felt confident or competent. Always put on the spot and overwhelmed. The sense of being an impostor that didn’t really know how to do your own job. Fix and explain something you’ve never seen before. Show no weakness, you’re supposed to be the expert. Be familiar with 100000000000 different technical things and be prepared to explain them on the spot. Be an expert tutor for classes you’ve never taken before. Be an expert in things you’ve never learned. It was the best money I’ve ever made in my life but I hated it. I was also upset my performance was affected by her, her being there. I was upset she could manage her emotions better and deal with the job better, and ultimately I was too WEAK to hold down the job, while she continues to succeed there, make more money, her life is not affected at all, but mine is turned upside down.

I just wanted her to COMMUNICATE with me like a mature adult and help end an important relationship in a kind, caring way. Show me the kindness that she USED to show me when we were friends. NOT just avoid, block, ignore, abandon, give up, bail out, and “ghost” me. This is a mind-boggling and just an insane way to be dumped. I will never do this to someone.

My conclusion is that she is just that conflict-avoidant. She doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t feel betrayed by me, she probably does value me as a once-important friend….but this was pure fight or flight, and she chose flight. There was no incentive for her to do the mature thing here. Just push it under the rug. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Let the drowning person drown. Get rid of the problem. If you could perform an abortion on a relationship, that’s what it seemed symbolic of.

But it was important to me to know that she didn’t HATE me, that she didn’t feel BETRAYED by me, and that she valued me and valued our friendship. I will never get answers here, though I was tempted to contact her. But a month after it all went down, I stopped sending emails and went No Contact altogether. That was a struggle, but I kept to it. I wanted her to contact me, but she never did. Indeed, now I’m tempted to contact mutual people to try to learn if she told them anything about what happened because I don’t want other people getting only her side of the story…..whatever that may be.

It was just a horrible, horrible ending to one of the most important relationships I’d had in many years. I had never gotten feelings for a female friend before. I also hadn’t had a female friend in years. And I hadn’t been friends with a woman for this long term. Usually by almost 3 years, we drift away mutually. Not here hahaha.

I wish I had been more assertive and proactive, but I REALLY wish she had shown a little COURAGE in dealing with this. Now I worry that all women are simply not mature enough to handle situations like this. Which I know is false. I’ve been dumped in better ways than this before!

All I needed was a standard, “Awwwwwww! I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel that way! You’re a good person, though!”

But she RAN AWAY from me and I had no idea what she was really thinking or feeling, and I never will.

The job was so stupid and stressful and I wanted to get out of there anyway. It was damaging to the emotional health hahaha. And so was she. I could handle both separately, but not both TOGETHER. I was angry that the JOB came between us. If we didn’t work together every day, I would have handled BOTH situations much better. but there was a definite synergy here in the worst possible way, haha.

Now I have been jobless for about 8 months, haven’t contacted her in 7 months, kind of plateauing on her, starting to get over it, but still pretty butthurt, and feel I will never meet another woman I have feelings for. I feel she is The Last One. I feel I will always be comparing other women to her, how we used to get along so well, and how I liked her so much, was willing to commit to her wholeheartedly. I figure it will take at least another year for me to become emotionally available. I don’t want other women, I want her. I would still “take her back” if she came to me and apologized.

Who QUITS THEIR JOB over something like this? But it’s possible something else would have pushed me to quit the job too. But I am angry because, after a year on the job, I was finally starting to get the hang of it and show real competence and confidence. How do normal people deal with the reality of “sink or swim” practice of job “training”? The confusion and uncertainty were maddening.

So now I feel super underconfident in doing other jobs: this is NORMAL for jobs to not train you! how do you DEAL with pressure and uncertainty and making quick decisions when you don’t really know what you are doing, and manage to survive long enough, for months, until you finally DO start to know what you are doing?

Also, employers will rightfully view me as UNSTABLE. When your Emotional Instability starts to really affect your Working Life, hahaha. It’s AMAZING how DIFFICULT it is just to be a normal working-class adult and hold down a job like a responsible, healthy, normal, average adult. I’ve never really been able to do it. Same with relationships with women. I am definitely the marrying type and the fathering type, I would really like to be married and have children, but I am NOT EVEN CLOSE. Also, I don’t want to have children with somebody unless I Really Love and am Committed to them. Kinda like how I was with my woman friend. There was no on the fence. No one foot out the door (well, not for me.) No, well let’s give this a try and see what happens. I was ALL IN. My mind was set on a lifelong commitment.

And it’s stupid I think more about HER than I do about getting a new job. But I have been getting better with the job search. But the next job I get, I HAVE to stay at for at least a YEAR, even if it’s even WORSE. Don’t want to look like a job hopper. And I am terrified of being put into situations where I have to face customers and clients and I don’t know what I am doing, because The New Normal is for companies to not train their employees because it costs too much money. And then people b!!ch at you when you make mistakes OR ask for help. The F’n New Guy. What a M0R0N.

BTW the profile picture refers to “Pepe the frog” and “tendies.” Google pepe and tendies memes to understand haha. Pepe is a meme frog which can be used in many situations. Tendies is a NEET meme (google neet hahaha) referring to neet L0sers who are too lazy and spoiled to get a job and they just live at home their whole lives and never grow up, never develop into adults, and if they earn enough “good boy points” by emptying their Pee Bottles and leaving the house, then their Mommy makes their 30-year-old virgin L0ser son some Chicken Tendies. YUMMMMM! Neets often have Depression and Anxiety and read /r9k/ on 4chan and 8chan and share pathetic tales of despair, being a 30 year old unemployable virgin. It’s a pathetic life. Some neets legit enjoy not being “wagecucks” and they enjoy watching anime all day. I just want to be a productive adult and have a 3D waifu hahaha. I don’t like anime. But it’s so difficult to convince companies to hire me and so hard to convince women that I am Cool Enough to Hang Out With. I’m tired of always having to Prove myself, and then having my argument not be persuasive enough, so I don’t get the job or the woman. I do not deal with rejection well hahaha. Also, I am just tired of being rejected over and over. I think you need a little success once in a while to keep you going. But it is demoralizing to go many years without gainful employment, and to go many many years without an Intimate Relationship. I hope it doesn’t leave permanent damage, but it certainly does decrease your confidence and make you less attractive to both employers and women.

I am actually a good/great employee, and a good/great friend, and would be a great partner to the right woman, but I feel like people don’t give me a fair CHANCE. Well, nobody said life is FAIR hahahaha. You have to assertively demand that people give you a chance. And 99% of the time they will still reject you, hahahaha. And not in a nice way either, hahaha.

Basically, I want to stop feeling like a Loser and stop BEING a Loser and just be more of a winner. It sux being a Loser At Life. A Failure. The two biggest things that would fix that are gainful employment at a job that doesn’t drive you crazy; and a healthy relationship with someone who will love you in good times and bad. Yeah, these are kinda big things and take a LOT of work. And I don’t feel capable of doing such sustained, intense, focused work. Everything just seems TOO HARD hahaha. The stuff normal people do as part of being normal: working, having a wife. They make it LOOK EASY but its really haaaaaarrrdddd as heck.

Anyway I think companies SHOULD train their employees and SHOULD create an environment where people can get HELP in doing their jobs. That they are “set up for success” and not failure. No more sink or swim. I understand cutting costs in the short term, but I care much more about the long term. I would ALWAYS try to help new people once I actually knew something about the job. ALWAYS. And I would support them and encourage them. Because I know how hard it is to be a new guy and spend day after day, month after month, feeling like an 1d10t. Yes, that eats away at your confidence, rather than builds it up. like a train wreck in slow motion hahaha. We’re all here to do our jobs the best we can. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what to say and I’ll say it. Give me the tools and processes to Solve Problems and I will solve problems. Don’t make me figure everything out by myself. What kind of message does it send to our clients to have people out there that are terrified and clearly don’t know what they’re doing? Also, some people do better than others when under pressure. I break under pressure and can’t do even simple things. Other people do their best work under pressure. not me. I can’t even remember my own NAME when under pressure. Are there any jobs for people who don’t handle pressure well????!?!?!

The most useful thing to me was Studying After Work. Studying like I had a big College Maths Exam the next day. Because that’s what it felt like. Taking a test all day, every day, only you had to orally explain your answers as you worked them while an anxious person hovered over you and interrogated you. But you hadn’t really studied the book or done the homework or gone to lectures and you had the worst, most useless instructor ever. I couldn’t believe a job could BE like that. It blew my mind and shattered my soul hahaha. But I managed to persevere for a full year, and slowly improve, until the problem with The Darn WOMAN pushed me to my breaking point. It’s all SO frustrating and disappointing.

I don’t like having to “BS” people just to get them off the phone. I like to ACTUALLY fix problems and to ACTUALLY know what’s going on. I like being able to get help from another person. I REALLY like being able to transfer a client to a more knowledgeable colleague when I can’t figure something out, and being able to listen in and see how THEY handle the problem. I don’t like being told to “figure it out” and left on my own to flail like a drowning man. You constantly wanted a hero to swoop in and save you, but you had to be your own hero and cobble together the most kludgey workarounds. “Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks” was my metaphor. It looked UNPROFESSIONAL as heck. It looked like we didn’t know what we were doing and were making it up as we went along……because that’s exactly what it was. I do not deal well with that kind of work. I need certainty and real explanations and real knowledge and real HELP.

That job, combined with THAT PERSON, was a recipe for disaster, and boy did it happen.

I have a huge ridiculous blog that is focused on helping losers become winners. Lately though it is me moaning about being a loser. To show the world what Real Love and Real Heartbreak looks like. To share the internal world of someone who knows he’s a loser and just can’t pull himself out of it. BUT trying to be more optimistic than /r9k/ for example. You should read /r9k/ for a while to get an idea of what it is……then stay away from it forever. My perspective is like /r9k/ but for people that really really want to Get Better. Anyway, message me if you want the link for my blog.

That is not my real birthday but I am in my Early Thirties. An Older Millennial. I definitely feel older and different than the younger/average millennial. I still have some similarity with generation x. the nihilism and cynicism hahaha. but I never became a successful adult like they did. also, most younger millennials are more successful adults than I am. good jobs, good relationships. I just can’t relate to these normies hahahaha but darn I wish I did!!!!!

I try to deal with stuff by writing although not sure if that really helps. Also, like to exercise, that might help a little more. Trying to lose weight. maybe that will make me more attractive to women hahaha. so desperate for female attention and approval!!!!! always have been.

But I am not really a bad or annoying or creepy guy. I have had great friends who really appreciated me. I just am shy and introverted and people need to give me a chance hahaha. But the people who did give me a chance usually ended up getting something valuable out of it, hahaha.

I just don’t like being abandoned or given up on by a close friend! This would hurt ANYBODY, even the most confident NORMIE!!!!! And so it was especially hurtful to me, being insecure and unstable hahaha.

I don’t shove my insecurities in people’s faces. Only anonymously on the internet, hahaha. In Real Life, I just seem like a quiet and nice guy. Though maybe a little weird because a little too quiet. But I’ve had people who appreciated me. I guess I would like to have more appreciation at the moment hahaha. My family appreciates me THANK GOD but I am greedy for more appreciation: that of especially women and jobs.

I like all kinds of music and movies. I enjoy black metal and artsy foreign movies. Yes, these things can be quite degenerate. It’s hard finding stuff to watch or listen to that isn’t TOO degenerate.

I am really against Degeneracy, though, which I find in EVERYTHING. Any product of modern culture is somewhat degenerate. Promoting immorality, hedonism, and nihilism. I have discarded things I used to like, simply because it’s ultimately a bad influence. For this very reason, I am no longer a Big Fan of any TV shows. TV is horribly degenerate in general. As are movies. As is music. It’s hard to ENJOY anything because so much is rooted in degeneracy and has no higher meaning. Like I said, it promotes and is born from an unhealthy worldview. It does not nourish or strengthen the soul. It’s hollow and empty and soulless and sometimes downright wrong, immoral, evil. No redeeming qualities. Casual sex, hedonism, nihilism, moral relativism, amoral, immoral, if it feels good, do it. If it gets you off, do it. I can’t tolerate that stuff anymore. Or where the only thing that matters is that everyone is Consenting. Consent is a crappy Moral Standard. Two people can CONSENT to something that is horribly immoral.

Young people can be BRAINWASHED into living a degenerate life. I know I was. It’s basically short-term hedonistic GLUTTONY of the senses. I never did casual sex simply because I was not attractive to women, but I did use too much pornography for a time. Porn is hugely degenerate IMHO and I wish I’d never seen it. I want to stay away from it for the rest of my life. We should not tolerate Porn as a normal thing. It’s BAD. It’s WRONG. It’s IMMORAL. It’s DEGENERATE. NO GOOD can come from it.

As you can see, I am no stranger to making Strong Moral Judgments hahahaha. I would have it no other way. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more Moralistic. I Cannot tolerate moral relativism anymore. There is RIGHT, and there is WRONG. Period.

I perhaps overestimate how “degenerate” some things are, but I truly believe the stuff goes DEEP. It is ALMOST like a deep PsyOp designed to destroy our morality and our souls. The Devil works in crafty, mysterious ways hahaha.

No, I am not super religious but I have become more religious. Or, at least antiatheistic, where when I was young and dumb I was vehemently atheistic, antitheistic. Now I just think that is smug sophistry by fedora-wearing “I Luv SCIENCE” types.

A lot of this is tied to a Political and Ideological awakening I had in my mid to late twenties where I essentially went from Left to Right, to oversimplify it greatly. In college, you had to be Far Left to be cool. I wanted to be cool, to just fit in, and have friends, meet girls, have people like me. But as I got older, I couldn’t keep going with the moral relativism of the Left. I had to Become Who I Was hahaha.

Uhhh I won’t judge anyone here as degenerate. That is none of my business. Just try not to HURT people. It’s not that hard. If they are begging you to show them mercy, show them mercy. If they are begging you not to throw them away like a piece of garbage, DON’T throw them away like a piece of garbage! Have respect and care for your friends’ feelings! Don’t add insult to injury! Also don’t be a cheater.

And don’t have casual sex with more than one person at once. Yes, it’s the other person’s business because you might be giving them a disease hahaha. You know what, don’t have casual sex at ALL because sex is inherently INTIMATE and NOT casual, and when you try to make it casual, this will come back to haunt you, by making you unable to connect with people. Unable to love haha.

If you are a woman who has a male friend, understand that he might develop feelings for you after a while. Try not to be hugely offended by this, and let him down GENTLY. He’s still the same person you became friends with. He just likes you so much that he wants to take the friendship to a deeper level. Let him down GENTLY. Darn.



yeah buddy.

mar 31

well, I felt all energized and uplifted because I posted 2 rambling incoherent posts on despair forums, now the next day I am too scared to go and check the replies. scared that somebody is gonna criticize my rambling, incoherent, stupid nonsense hahaha and bad communicators don’t get good jobs like the 21-year-old gurls right out of college with their shiny LinkedIn profiles who have better jobs than I ever will. working for healthcare admin hmos maybe? wearing problem glasses yet still being cute, making 20 dah as some kind of Team Lead or Program Manager. hahaha, I have never been a team lead in my life. I hate when young women become Job Leaders. I wish I could be as successful as Young Women. they will probably make You Know Who a Team Lead. so she can give shitty advice to tier 1. fook her hahahaha. I used to give GOOD advice to new tier 1’s when I was just a tier 1 as well!!!!!

and I gave much better advice as a tier 1 than she will ever give as a tier 2! she will be one of those useless tier 2’s that gives shitty advice, and is always bitchy, and refuses to escalate for desperate newbs who are begging for escalation!

hopefully, she can also become a fat mudshark single mom to a brown baby and a deadbeat baby daddy and she gets hooked on pain pills recreationally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when she coulda been a good wife to me, and FIXED me hahahaha and we would have HUHWHYTE babies, and I would never leave her and she would never leave me, and I would gradually move up in my career and make more money and become more respected and have an easier job and make more money hahaha and people could say damn, he is SMART and he is GOOD and he is the BEST manager ever. I want to BE LIKE him. He’s got a great faithful wife too, and 3 or more beautiful children. I want him to write me a letter of reference so I can get a southern new Hampshire online MBA for 80 grand.

I hate that she is way dumber than me and almost as lazy and underachieving and losery and unambitious, yet she does OK with her working life and is on the way up, while I am constantly falling towards rock bottom, like homer falling down the Jagged Crags of Springfield gorge. and she is almost 10 years younger than me.


young college age gurls, who are probably huge casual sex having sluts, partying on the weekends, are fookin managers and supervisors and team leads making 20 DAH and writing business bullshit on their LINKEDIN pages and treating LinkedIn as their new facebook. And they are spewing the business bullshit very well, talking just like A Manager, not even misspelling shit. How do they BULLSHIT so WELL?

I wish they were just at home having white babies and there would be more jobs open for white men like me hahahaha.

it just seems very unnatural and unwholesome to compete against women for jobs. when you can’t get women OR jobs, it makes you even MORE resentful against women. cuz they have the good jobs that you want and can’t get, and also you want women themselves, but can’t get them either. and if they removed themselves from the workforce and weren’t so damn career focused, there wouldn’t be such fierce competition for jobs, and you’d have a better chance at getting a damn job.

and every damn woman has DUMPED you AND they became successful At Work while you continued to be a HUGE FAILURE at both Work AND Women hahaha.

there’s the gurl who’s 10 years younger than you, you fell in love with her, she dumped you harshly, she’s dumber than you, yet she’s way more successful than you and makes way more money than you. its HUMILIATING!!!!!!

yes going on LINKEDIN is NOT RECOMMENDED. fooking hip young college gurls treating it as a CAREER FACEBOOK, all trying to one-up each other in their health and recruiting and staffing and PR and marketing and HR careers. and social work and teaching.

I read their accomplishments and I don’t even know what this shit MEANS because I’ve never worked a job like that. let alone succeeded at it and ADVANCED in it. hahaha. I have always quit before I ADVANCED in anything because I can’t handle the pressure hahaha. how do these young dumb GURLS do it? how are they STRONGER than me???!!!


welp applied to 3 jobs so far today.  that makes 11 this week. still haven’t heard anything hahaha.

well you have to do 100 applications to get 1 interview, and 100 interviews to finally get 1 job! therefore, you must apply to 1000 jobs. therefore, I am 11/1000  aka .011% on my journey to get a job hahahaha.

EXCUSE ME. 1.1%. aka .011 straight up. 1.1% in 4 days is not bad. therefore, about 400 days to get a job hahaha.

a lower paying job than before where SHE makes at least 3 DAH more than I do, but hopefully something less stressful.

shit. I want HER to go crazy and quit the job. to one day say NOPE I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE and walk out and start all over again like I did.

FOOK these BITCHES and their SUCCESS!!!!!!

well mainly I’m angry at my own lack of success, but when you lack something, you are mad at yourself for not being able to reach your own standards, but also jealous and envious and butthurt at all the people who HAVE what you WANT.

ie WOMEN, women have the JOBS and they have….the women hahahaha. They have the things you want, and you’re not good or strong enough to get those things for yourself, but a 21-year-old gurl IS?


years of this can really give you an inferiority complex!!!

that really hurts you in regards to Struggling for Jobs and Struggling for Women!

Life IS Struggle!

you can’t get demoralized by that struggle, you have to



this video keeps popping up

do women have in-group loyalty or not?  The video seemed pretty good from fast forwarding thru it without sound hahaha.

so women are naturally TRAITORS and OPPORTUNISTS? This SUCKS. How are men SUPPOSED to love that shit? sure, carrying your child is a big deal……

well maybe women CHANGE after they have CHILDREN, to become less traitorous. And better people. Better wives. so it makes perfect sense to have children ASAP so you don’t grow up to be a SHITTY TRAITOR.


Women would rather get RAPED by RAPEUGEES than show any allegiance to men of their own race who white knight and defend then. Rather get RAPED by an outgroup than be DEFENDED by your ingroup.

ABSOLUTELY TRAITOROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heh. Watching that video and reading the comments won’t make you LIKE women any more.

Hey, didn’t I say I don’t LIKE hating women? its too unhealthy? That it’s better for my mental health to LIVE IN DENIAL regarding the INHERENT SHITTINESS of women? That that’s really the best way to take care of MY self and not get discouraged.

tfw when LYING TO YOURSELF IS BETTER FOR YOU THAN being HONEST with yourself. yikes.

well i guess never be so unaware of your lie that you do stupid shit, like get feelings for a woman or get married or have children hahahaha.  get chained to some traitorous bitch that will divorce you in 6 months and take your money and house and kids to ride the carousel and outperform you in career.

Just got a call about Accounting Clerk job thru staffing agency with hopefully nearby client. Just applied for the job less than 4 hours ago. they left message, I froze and knew I should call them back before 3:30 when the Recruiter said She was leaving office. Worried that they would put me on spot with hard bullshitty questions right there. Faced the fear and called anyway. Sounded pretty good on phone. Explained my accounting experience: I worked as an “Accounting Department Assistant” briefly 11 years ago; I took 3 college courses in accounting and got A’s; understand basics of accounting; know some Quickbooks and Peachtree and excel of course; but they specifically wanted X years of Paid Working SAP experience. I said I didnt have that but was more than willing to learn SAP as quickly as needed. Sorry, we need SAP people immediately, but we will keep your resume on file. Ok, thank you.

She was moderately nice and not a hostile bitch, so that was good.

Yeah “learning SAP quickly” is like “learning All Maths quickly”. Learn to become an experienced Software Engineering Quickly and get ramped up to hit the ground running tomorrow for your new job as a microsoft senior developer. I know SAP is a complicated, confusing, big, customizable, labrynthine behemoth, the cause of nightmares and ulcers and lost sleep and racing thoughts and ragequits hahahaha. You have to pay good money to get decent SAP training. One does not simply learn SAP quickly and hit the ground running for a 12 DAH job. I am surprised they don’t have full blown degrees in SAP. I am sure there are full courses in SAP. Beginning, intermediate, advanced. I have taken none. I’ve taken Intro and INtermediate Accounting though! Got all the way through the 30 pound 1500 page textbook! Remember very little other than assets = liabilities + equity, and I couldn’t explain what that means to an accounting student. Couldn’t even bullshit it.

BULLSHITTING IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS YOU CAN HAVE. And I am VERYYYYY rusty on it. And I don’t like doing it all day. It’s dishonest and exhausting!!!!!!!

But oh well, I called them. That is an accomplishment. Now to see what these assholes on despair forums are tearing me apart.

No, not really thankfully. I think I even got 1 like! Made one more long, rambling incoherent post. There is honestly much less activity on this forum than on the trails forum. I can’t believe it! Despair form gets like 1 post every 5 to 10 minutes, TRS gets a couple posts every minute!

i guess i wouldnt have a HUGE problem with me having casual sex with some random young qt. i mean hey if they want to be a slut I’m not gonna stop them! I just don’t care about Randoms!

but HER, the idea of HER having casual sex offends and RUSTLES me TO THE MOON!!!!! cuz I Luved her and treated her cvnt like some kind of sacred, life-bearing treasure from GOD. which it kinda was. but feeling like that is gonna bring me nothing but pain now. Cuz i just want to forget about her, forget i ever met it. it wasn’t worth it.

We had some really good times, but IT JUST WASNT WORTH IT.

The bad times outweighed the good times. And the good times were really good. But the bad times were really, really bad. It was a Net Loss. Net Bad.

Yeah, I LEARNED shit that will make me better and smarter…..but I think I was capable of having a good rel ALREADY, WITHOUT learning these painful lessons. like yeah the lessons were valuable, but they weren’t valuable ENOUGH, they werent MANDATORY.


Therefore, QED, I wish I had never met her. Damn.

A big important 2.7 year long relationship which I was heavily invested was not worth it. I wish it had never happened. Then I would have come out ahead of where I am now. Wish I had never met that person.

It’s like putting all your money in an investment, then the investment crashes and you lose all your money. Great. what did you learn? don’t invest all your money in that bad investment. Great Lesson bitches hahaha. but its not gonna get you your life savings back, and you’re not gonna get better about spotting bad investments in the future, nor do you have any money to invest in them.

Like I said, she had some yellow flags, but actually LESS than the average woman. I watch like a HAWK for red flags and picked her because she seemed to LACK them. There was no red flags that she was gonna do what she did. I figured she didnt like me but I had no idea she would completely ignore and block me to the extent that she did. I thought she would respond to me EVENTUALLY. NOPE. and there were no red flags indicating that.

hehehe i was kinda like this pathetic loser



mar 28

yeah its stupid when you wonder how someone is doing and what they are up to, but then you feel stupid because they dont care about you, they couldnt care less how YOURE doing. yet not too long ago you used to be a big part of each others lives. i thought she cared about me more hahahaha that she would have a LITTLE courage and a LITTLE kindness to not really show to Me per se; dont do it for ME, do it for the Memory and Dignity of Our Shared Relationship. That was important and REAL, wasn’t it ?!?!?!?!?!

how to train yourself when your company does not have written or online materials to train you with, and no one is willing to train you:

well bribe them with lunch and drinks. get in early and stay late and just watch them do THEIR work and they will probably answer a few questions about it. neither you nor them will know if its relevant to YOUR job, cuz thats YOUR job, remember?

ask to get put on email “distribution lists” or “DL’s”. this does not mean Down Low or Down Load, it means Distribution List, which is a phaggy business way of saying email list.

ask if anyone else has notebooks or flashcards of stuff they wrote down when they first started. ask if you can make copies of the stuff. make copies of tons of stuff. offer to do it at kinkos and pay for it yourself so you dont make 100s of copies on the companys dime, when its just for Personal Training use. How’s that going to make THEM any MONEY???

how to stay tough when people are putting the pressure on?

Disguise bullshit and speculation as authoritative fact hahaha.

You will shake your head at how people can think you would even KNOW about whatever crazy shit they’re asking you. bullshit an answer anyway. be able to tell immediately what types of things can “come back to haunt you”, and which stuff you can make up the most ridiculous bullshit stories about.

you can find  yourself “Stalking” in the most roundabout ways. like if you are a google maps nut like me. if you are just google mapping around their house, wishing you could have been invited to their house more. especially if you never really go to that part of town.

trying to find out the owner of a nearby restaurant because you thought they said a family member owned the restaurant. did they really? were they just a 10% partner? maybe they were “just” a manager. how do you find out who owns a business? look at the state licensing website. it only gives one name. not anyone in her family. they all use the same last names because most of the family is a matriachy where everyones father is a deadbeat and not worth the children taking the fathers names. that cant be good. a family history of having babies with deadbeats. indulging the worst aspects of Unrestricted, Unguided, Female Nature Unbound. but they must have had some morality left to not get Abortions! well I dont really know though. maybe there were a few. I’ll never know!

ok. did I do a BAD job at my job? NO! i did a PRETTY GOOD job at my job! the managers thought i was one of the good guys! I had Good Attendance and Good Performance! I just felt like I was incompetent and dumb because there was so much I didn’t know or understand. BUT THAT WAS NORMAL! It was really hard to get used to that kind of confusion and ignorance being NORMAL. IT’S OK! NOBODY knows what they’re doing!

I would feel a lot better if there were more training and everybody was on the same page and DID know what they were doing! rather than accepting ignorance and confusion as being OK and Normal and Status Quo.

and she soldiers on at that same shitty place. and one day she will know more and be smarter than i was. she may even be at that point now. and have a perfect bullshit explanation for EVERYTHING, the way the “best” level 2 people do. shit she might even get promoted to level 2, in a place where NO ONE gets promoted from level 1 to level 2. there are at least 3 or 4 men who have been there longer and who are much much much smarter that deserve it much much much more. they were much smarter than ME and helped ME learn.

i hate how the JOB turned us against each other. made me compete and compare myself with her. am i smarter and better than her? why wont she help me? how come her job is easier? how come SHE doesnt get flustered? does SHE study at home? or does she just go home and smoke MJ and watch brain dead TV.

Its hard to think outside the box when you don’t know what’s IN the box and what the box looks like. You might think you’re thinking outside of the box, but you’re still in the box. Again an issue of unknown unknowns. You don’t know what’s INSIDE the box, let alone outside the box. To solve this issue, my first order of business is the LEARN THE BOX as quickly as possible, so I can start thinking outside of it as quickly as possible.

bullshit paragraph i just added to my interview document hahaha.

This time last year I was going crazy trying to survive to a somewhat close layoff, also was going crazy due to no resolution with HER. asking her to hang out every 2 weeks and her always saying see you on MONDAY before I asked her whatcha doing this weekend. nope. im going bye see you at work again on MONDAY. little things like that would bother me. I shoulda said fook monday, lets hang out this weekend. I havent hung out with you in MONTHS. and i SORTA did, but in a pussy way. like i would say whatcha doing this weekend, oh idunno hanging out with family, well wanna go to dinner on saturday, i’ll buy. oh i dunno i might be with family. i will let you know tomorrow. then nothing.

nothing new here, i mean this is EXACTLY how women avoid you when they are not interested in hanging out, then after a while youre supposed to get the hint. i didnt though. because we used to be friends where it wasnt such a goddamn pullingteeth struggle to hang out. so i thought we were stil friends like that.

ok applied for a ridic job on indeed, hr assistant for a vision/eyeglasses provider hahahaha

uploaded official indeed resume, same as the regular resume.

bullshit a brief cover letter off the top of muh head:

Dear Company HR Team:

I am the ideal candidate for the HR Assistant position. I demonstrate exemplary relationship-building and problem-solving skills, and am a very motivated team player. I am committed to supporting the workforce of this respected organization, and to finding creative ways to reduce operating costs to an absolute minimum. I look forward to an opportunity to discuss this position with you.


The Living Embodiment of The 14 Words, a True Counter-Semitic White Supremacist Nationalist, White Power World Wide

customer service. nope. customer facing. nope. dealing with saudis trying to get their money. nope. business owned by arabs and you are on the phone with arab contractors in yemen and libya and jordan and UAE and managing their quasi-illegal somali workforce falling from 9000 story buildings in dubai. nope. office is cleaned only once a week and employees are bit by bedbugs which infest the workplace. nope. company is unable to pay employees for months at a time. nope.

i understand FEDGOV/ZOG is not business-friendly. They tax businesses so much that business cannot afford to maintain BEDBUG FREE WORKPLACES. But…..BBBBBut……there’s nothing left to say after that.

may or may not have applied to a data entry medical related job. can’t tell if i did hahahaha. honestly i can’t. you might not like it, but it is what it is. the system is not set up to give confirmations.

oh hay i did get an email pretty much confirming it haha.

ANNNND applied to an account clerk for the county. wow. 3 apps in 1 day. literally a new record.

heh as late as march 14 2015 i found a chat log that said

me: want to enjoy a relaxer tonight? [my cutesy code word for degenerate MJ]

her: well im going to [fam] after work but maybe next weekend?

this is amidst friendly chatting.

anyway i was so desperate to talk to her and Maintain Our Friendship and the only way I could do that was though Chatting at work; and texting; and FB messages. whenever i saw her in person it would be tense and awkward. she would always avoid me bla bla bla

anyway there were no red flags that shit was gonna blow up the way that it did.

i found some old chatlogs were i was talking to her. i smuggled them out of the job before i left. yeah i was being a pussy and i needed to come out and say, LETS HANG OUT SATURDAY. YES OR NO. NO MAYBE. THIS ENDS NOW.

but the chats contain the essence of our friendship and are really about the only thing i have left as a reminded of the good times We Shared.

it was weird she was willing to chat with me but not hang out.

of course i gave more to the chats than she did. i was always writing the longer more thoughtful chats. she had the brief girly chats. i should have rolled it way back. but i was desperate. and this was the best way i could talk to her.

yep. OVER one year ago. well at least today i was moderately productive, 3 job apps wowzers.


not just me, but the relationship. something that you and me BUILT TOGETHER. you just want to throw that away. i thought you cared about me!

and i think you did! you were just too cowardly and afraid to do the right thing here, and i can’t amke you!!!!

couldnt you just TALK to me? write me an EMAIL?????

how will i ever find someone i get along with THAT well, who is that attractive and no kids and n < 3 hahahaha

n being number hahaha

yep 7.47 months since i have sent her the last email. 224 days.

no kids, low number, white, under 30, attractive, nice, i just pushed her too far, i pushed her away, i pushed muh soulmate away wawaawawawawawaw the woman GOD intended me to be with for life wawawawawawawaw

if i were good at MANIPULATING people I could have manipulated her to want to be with me. and once we had fooked a few times and been together longer than 3 months, i wouldn’t need to “manipulate” her so much.

i could manipulate companies into wanting to hire me. take a chance on this low energy loser hahaha

COME ON. we had something SPECIAL. you cant DENY that. You can DUMP me, but dont DENY the Specialness of our Rel. I dont know why this bothers me so much but it does.  well because i never had that special of a female friend in years…..or ever really. this was all so new and adventurous. an old dog learning new tricks, feeling new feelings, and it felt like it was me getting closer to an actual Life Partner hahahaha

for a while i was scared to get too close to her. i eventually overcame that fear. but i think she was scared to get too close to me too. anyway i pretty much told her straght up “i want to get closer to you, we have been friends for a while, but I want to get even closer and hang out more in 2015”. so she got scared. ok i can udnerstand that. thats her right.

appreciate the fact that me losing you is gonna hurt me.

and I wish that you losing me, would hurt you a little bit too.

I thought I was WORTH SOMETHING to you.

You were worth a LOT to me.

Having you in my life made my life BETTER. My life is WORSE when you are not in it.

It would have been easier if you DIED. but there is bitterness because I know you CHOSE to get out of my life. damn.

be willing to acknowledge that YOU MATTERED TO ME.

And I think she didnt want to recognize how much she mattered to me. how strongly i felt for her. that would scare anyone away bla bla bla.

heh. i wish i never got the feelings. whenever i do, its TOO DAMN STRONG. this is definitely some kind of insecure attachment style. that alone is not a disorder but it is a symptom of probably many disorders. does not help diagnose. anything from garden variety despair and anxiety, to borderline and antisocial, socipath, psychopath etc.

i dunno. it was kinda stupid of me to get SUCH strong feelings for her. but i guess it wasnt nearly as dumb as getting strong feelings for other women i didnt know NEARLY as well.

well i thought that since we KNEW each other well, we would be able to talk about this problem together.

also i didnt realize how strong muh fee fees were either. i was confused too.

it just SUCKS to lose someone like this. i never had somebody refuse to talk to me ever. so i would usually continue talking to the gurl to try to get them to change their minds hahaha.

shit. if i can get a damn shitty job, i will justify to myself to begin taking MJ again. i dont care if its degenerate. it helps you sleep when you are nervous. great way to relax after a horrible long day of work and no solace in sight. no hope, no cuddles hahaha, but you can FIRE IT UP and thats pretty fun. it really DOES simulate a relship with a woman. and not in the stupid sexual way women push you through The Relationship Simulator.


oh lord I would have loved to take MJ with her and cuddle with her.

anyway. must move on.

but my life was better with her than it is without her!

that may be, but i must move on. so what life is worse without her. in a few years i will be over her. and just liking nobody and being lonely hahaha.

i guess it might help if I had real good friends. but I was building a different kind of Intimacy and Closeness with her, than I did with my Male Friends.  I dont really WANT to be close in that way with them. two men getting really close talking about their feelings? sounds really GAYYYYYYYYYY.

However sometimes you get a male friend that you just have a MANCRUSH on and you get excited about hanging out with them, they are so fun and cool. hehehe. i don’t have that going on either.

heh. i thought about contacting her old x boifran, no not the cheater, but the long term one, who had Run His Course with her. he was cold and distant but he wasn’t a Bad Cheating Guy, and I got along with him allright. Certainly I could email HIM and ask him to talk to her and see if she can listen to reason, I thought they still talked to each other; and I think he kind of liked me, so I am sure he asked about me at least once. Oh how’s the white supremacist doing. Oh he creeped me out and stalked me so I dumped him. hahahaha.  just totally lie to him about how shit went down. god i hope she didnt lie. she was a huge avoider but NOT A LIAR. I dont want to be wrong about that.

i can live with her being an avoider. but its harder to live with me being wrong about her not being a liar.

i just wish i knew what people said and what she said about me. i hope she didnt LIE about me to people that might have asked about me. But did they ever ask about me? I’ll never know.

welp is it worth it to contact THOSE OTHER PEOPLE and say hey what did you say to her about this, what did she say about this, and also here’s the truth, because I don’t want anybody lying about me, and I don’t want anybody thinking im a creepy psycho stalker. i never had a problem with YOU and you dont deserve to be lied to about me. tell me what she said hahaha.

i hate the idea that she might have lied about me, and i hate it if people who once liked me now think badly of me because of lies they were told about me.

and its better for me to contact them than to contact her.


i dont know if its worth it.

mar 29

NO exaholics, the “ex” never said “youre too good for me”, if anything her actions and silence were saying “im too good for you, youre weird and unlovable” hahahaha. I would have MUCH preferred to hear “youre too good for me,” even if i knew it was just an excuse and a pretty lie.

had an erotic dream where I was approaching a bunch of attractive young women and basically grabbing them. not socially acceptible hahaha. but it reminded me of how long it has been since i even touched a woman, like 11 years hahaha. I mean I have gotten shitty girlhugs, I am not a hugless version. but shitty girlhugs dont count. where they stick their ass out because they don’t want to touch you too much. no. i am talking about full blown cuddling where their body is pressed up against yours for minutes at a time.

and its just disgusting They are so casual about that, do it with everybody, that this is no longer an intimate thing, same thing with Secs. they have become immune to Intimate Touching.

ok ok ok gotta stay productive today.

ok applied for 10 DAH picker inspector warehouse temp job hahaha not even 12 pm yet woo hoo.  go do this shit without training idiot. do your job. i dunno how to do muh job. figure it out, ni99er. you act like a autist who hasnt had secs in 11 years. i mean 12 hahahaha.

also the women i was approaching in the dream were way more attractive and younger than I could be reasonably expected to pull in real life hahahaha. kinda like That Woman was technically out of my league cuz she was good looking and young. I mean the thought of touching her could get me Haard.

though thats no way to live your life, its a good quality in a loving wife. does her attractive body get you hard and you want to touch and make fook with her, or does she look like a fat squat potato and you cringe and sneer and curl your lip at the idea of touching her or seeing that hideous hambeast seacow ill proportioned body?

is she attractive, or NOT?

ok got a haircut on level 1, this is really ideal for a balding man like me hahaha. looks more masculine and tough and serious and not so pussy and cuck. carl the cuck, punchable face, watching my gf’s baby while she goes on a date with her bf tyrone.

taking MJ is degen and horrible but I would do it again. it helps deal with the disappointment of Life hahaha. when the best you can hope for is a horrible job and a slutty ugly single mom for a mate. it provides some much needed fun, when you dont have anyone you Like that you can hang out with.

but it’s controversial, i can see why White Fascists frown upon it. I wouldnt EXPECT them to like it.

i dont think YOu KNow Who LIED to her friends about me, or people we mutually knew. She was not a liar. HOWEVER, she is likely to have either downplayed / brushed off / AVOIDED talking about me, which would be preferable actually, OR, her truthful honest view of the situation is so SKEWED AND WRONG, that her version of the truth would make me look bad, but it wouldnt technically be LYING, it would just be stupid and wrong and completely misunderstood. i would hope one of those people would say, well did you get HIS SIDE of the story? yeah he sent me long emails that i didnt read because he made me feel weird and uncomfortable, therefore he’s the bad guy.

google how to do a job without training

i already read this one months ago

yeah i read this one too. basically use google and train yourself off the clock hahaha.

i am angry that SHE adapted better to the job than I did. also people more willing to give her help and sympathy because she is a Pretty Gurl. I hate that the Job came between us so much. If I had never taken that job, things would have worked out better with HER. or if she wasnt at that job, maybe things would have worked out better with the job. but the job definitely contrributed to thinks working out as BADLY as they did.

Merfen 46 points 2 years ago
I remember this from my third week in my IT security consulting. “OK now log into the phones and help the customers with their firewall issues”. “but…. the customers know more than me…”.
permalinksavegive gold
[–]taclark 12 points 2 years ago
This is every day at work for me. In the last 5 years they’ve brought on multiple sites to our support group, and they use vastly different software. No training, no information source really, work is after-hours so any easily reachable help is unavailable… the users know more about what we’re supposed to fix for them than we do, but management keeps dumping more and more of it onto us and patting each other on the back for “doing more with less.”


CelticTalk 2 points 2 years ago*

We got trained basically what we legally have to do/not do, how to use the software (very basic) and what the companies products are. Basically only stuff that would help someone who has never heard of the company (big name, products very well known), has never phoned a company support line or has never dealt with a computer.

Very first call, billing issue, information on the account is incorrect, customer demanding a big refund and compensation, want a subject access request and wants to speak to a manager because previous agent hung up and another one mis-sold. Finally they want to submit a complaint and won’t stop shouting.

  1. These are just numbers, they are important but what are they, why have I never seen these numbers?
  2. There can be incorrect info on the account?
  3. Refunds can we do that?
  4. A subject what request?
  5. Manager, who is that, can they speak to them?
  6. What do you do when another agent has hung up on them?
  7. What do you do when someone has mis-sold.
  8. I can do that, I just type something in this box, what do I type?


heh. so what did that person do. sounded like my job but even worse hahaha. SO WHAT DID YOU DO. i hate it when you read confusing shit that gives you no indication on WHAT TO DO. so is this a heads up of a known issue? WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? SHOULD I DO ANYTHING? WILL THIS BE FIXED by another department? when? what should we tell people who ask about this? are all questions you ask after receiving official company memos through email. during proper training or meetings you would get a chance to ask about this sort of this. but know they just blast out new emails of shit every day.

i just hate not knowing how to do my job and having to bother other people for help; and not knowing as much as the customers about the shit youre fixing; and never being able to tell if what you did was RIGHT or not. yeah, probably. if it breaks call us back. and then realizing even the smart people don’t KNOW, they just bullshit well. so how do you learn to bullshit well? at least help me with THAT!

most jobs WONT train you. you just have to figure it out. figuring out how to do a job without training or guidance is one of the most valuable skills you can have. i wish they taught it in school. or college hahahaha.

i am just mad as hell that SHE did better at the JOB than I did. Well technically I did better. BUt she handled the emotions better and Kept Calm better than I did. SO SHE THINKS SHES BETTER THAN ME??? because she copes with the job better and now makes more money than me? I used to make the same amount of money back before I Went Crazy! Because of HEr!!!!!!!!!

oh she’ll be sorry when she is 40 and I am 50 and she is making more money than me then……..oh.

and i am still trying to get an entry level 12 DAH job with health care hahaha.

still trying to find a young wife without kids who can have some kids for me hahaha.

and i hate that she is moving on and UP with her life, while I am not, I am moving DOWN. so in this way she becomes BETTER than me, I dont DESERVE a woman as good and successful and responsible and healthy as her.

she is a WINNER and I am a LOSER.

yet i am way smarter than her! even with my avearge 101 iq! she has like a 90 iq like a damn mongoloid!!!!! yet she is much much more successful than me!!!!

google how do you pretend like you know something

oh shit this “bindery trainee” job says that bipolar and derpression count as DISABILITY according to them, or to the govt, just like CANCER, AIDS, or MISSING LIMBS, or RETARDATION. wow. i said nope not disabled.

oh shit i applied for FOUR jobs today, and yesterday I thought I did good with Three.


what a fooking CVNT. a CVNT.

she was WEAKER than I was. well its NORMAL for women to be weak, men to be strong. its expecting too much to expect a woman to be as strong as a man.

so then why do they want to fook like alpha men.

cuz they dont know. theyve been brainwashed by j’s. and just like amerifats love fatburgers, people love physical pleasure. secs. hedonism. if it feels good, do it. if it gets you off, DO IT.

unesco heritage sites in poland hahahahaha

there are mountains in poland! carpathian mountains!

there are primeval forests in poland!

basically poland is best country. full of white people and traditional women. though i wonder if the women in belarus are even less degenerate hahaha.

but poles are my people more than belarussians, so its likely i would Connect with a pole woman best.

well thank god that woman you know who was not a pole. well that explains why we were not meant to be hahaha.

but sucks that the best woman i ever met turned out to be a huge cvnt ahahahaha.

heh. i want her to validate muh fee fees by sayng yes i know that you’re hurtng and yes i know that youre disappointed and im sorry i hurt you and its ok that you liked me but damn this has gotta suck for you!! (yes it really really does). aww im sorry for that. youll find someone who likes you back one day.

and NOT acting like i fooking k’d her family or something, or i am bjorks crazy stalker.

(latino guy with manboobz who k’d himself on video because he could never be with hs obsessive crush bjork) and i think he mailed her a bomb or anthrax or something too. or maybe just the video of him… wait that is physical impossible hahahaha.

i dont want a damn hooker, i dont want to pay women to hang out with me. i want women to like me for me and want to hang out with me because they think i am cool. in other words, exactly how she used to feel about me. she thought i was COOL and she WANTED to hang out with me and listen to me ramble about bullshit. and her attention made me feel good about myself. like yeah i am cool enough for women to want to hang out with me. cute young women, with low number, no children, who are nice to me etc. too bad shes got a bf hahahaha but oh well her face is kinda weird anyway and im not over that other woman.

remember those innocent, better days?

no i wasnt just USING her for ATTENTION. I’m just saying I LIKED the attention she gave me, and it was a confidence booster to have a young attractive woman think i was cool and wanting to hang out wiht me. no red blooded man would disagree. i wasnt USING her. I cared for her too. I wanted her best interests and i wanted her to be happy and I cared about her feelings and I gave her nice gifts and bought her meals and wrote her nice cards and told her how i appreciated her. But when I stepped that up to the next level, she was no longer comfortable wiht it. oh well she could have not overreacted. she totally overreacted.

just appreciate that i had feelings for you and that it hurts me to lose you.

appreciate that even if i DIDNT have feelings for you, we used to be good friends, and it hurts to lose that.

show some appreciation for me whatsoever. dont fookin abandon me. totally bail on me. you were an important part of my life. this is not the right way to end an important relship. i used to be important to you too.

when the hell am i gonna feel like that for a woman again? i mean the woman has to be pretty special and different. SHE was special and different.

its amazing how this is so hard for me, yet most average people do it well enough to be gainfully employed and not ahve nervous fooking breakdowns that make them “DISABLED” according to some definitions.


but proud white men do not GET Neetbux! they work for a living, work for the J’s, and get garbage women to mate with hahaha.

should you marry a woman you dont really luv and dont really want to commit to, IF the woman luvs you and wants to have your babies???

i would say no. dont start impregnating sluts till youre 50, if you are desperate to leave a legacy and looking for white trash women who will have ANYONES baby.



mar 25

and indians are high on the list of my favorite nonwhite races. I just never had the dubious “privilege” of working with h1b indians in a tech office. i hear its horrible hahahaha. my experience is limited to christian indians at church and they are very nice hahaha.

shit. just feel unable to do any job. projecting confidence when you have NONE because you dont know what you are doing, and getting help is Frowned Upon. Figure It Out Yourself and Stop Wasting My Time. And Figure It Out Quickly, time is money. maybe you’re not a good fit here. maybe you’d do better at a 9 DAHJ. not quite ready for the 15DAH Grown Up League Prime Time Are Ya? how old are you again? Shit we have level 3’s making 20 DAH who are younger than you!

this is what i’ve been saying. ANYONE can learn to write a compsci 101 first day of class hello world program, and then pat themselves on the back for being a 15 year old gurl who’s well on her way to a powerful career as a ladyboss gurlcoder. when the fact is, it takes years of grueling, obsessive, autistic training and study and struggle to become a Real Coder, to Think like a coder, to gain the Coders Mindset, and to write actually valuable programs that companies will pay you for. All the Streetshitter H1B’s have at least bachelor of compsci degrees if not masters, do you? can you outcode them? now I hear that good american coders consider the h1bs to be generally shitty coders, but I would still think the h1b’s are better coders than some 20 year old gurl going to a 2 week code camp. i took like 4 full courses dedicated wholly to coding  and i still dont know shit. you have to learn how to Think Algorithmically.

do you know how to use pointers and polymorphism? if that sounds like Gibberish, congratulations. that’s about one-eighth the knowledge of a standard streetshitter h1b getting paid 15 DAH to code and stink up the office with Fish Curry in the Microwave and Curry Farts and Curry BO hahahaha.

wow this magazine (fastcompany) is discouraging hahaha. makes you question why you want to get a degree and work a stupid office job.

when you see the higher ups go into a meeting and stay there for an hour and you think, why can’t I ever have meetings? I want authoritative advice and knowledge! Train us! Train us! Help Us! and Those lucky bastards get to sit in a meeting for 45 minutes and not answer phones with Trick Questions like I do! this is like them going to Class and Learning the material, while I just take the Test all day that I am unprepared for!

well, hopefully you’ve identified at least one level 2 who is nicer than the rest, who doesn’t treat you like an idiot. Funny that these nice level 2’s might be viewed as dumber by the more arrogant level 2’s. doesnt matter. anyway. hit up your friendly level 2 and say, what was that meeting about, can you share with me any of the Training Decks or PDF’s or powerpoints that they had during the meeting. Just email them to me or better yet, show me some stuff on the Company Shared Drive, the one that has 100000000000 folders and 1000000000000000000000000000 subfolders and buried in there is some useful stuff, lots of old stuff, and its hard to tell the difference between useful and nonuseful stuff because you just don’t know whats right and whats wrong, what’s smart and whats dumb. NOTHING makes sense. so you don’t know whats SUPPOSED to make sense, and whats NOT supposed to make sense.

anyway. it sucks knowing that HER life is BETTER without me, and my life is much WORSE without her. she was a HUGE positive in my life. I was just an annoying negative that she wanted to cut out, like a cancerous tumor or a newly conceived human baby life.  just get rid of it.

actions speak much louder than words,  BUT we should also  take into account that you can get NERVOUS and this might make it seem like you dont like somebody, when in fact you really like them. hehehe. or people undergoing stress which makes them angrier or low energy or distracted, and you have to believe them when they say, sorry if i seem bitchy , i’m stressed out, but I still like you.

but STILL. they should give you some FACE TIME, some hang out time. how about 1 hour a week hahahaha in between their family and their stressful career where you are being to solve more and more weird problems, do more with less, know everything, walk on water.

like here. her date might have just been NERVOUS on a first date. the only way to clear up ambiguity between words and actions is to talk to them and hopefully they bring their actions in line with their words.  dont dump a guy because you think he doesnt like you but in fact hes just NERVOUS. havent you ever gotten nervous?

so you like him but then you dump him and then he calls you and says, hey i like you too, i was just NERVOUS! damn! give me another chance! if you like me! and then she says sorry, don’t like you anymore, your chance is over, you blew it, i found a new guy i like who isnt nervous and he fooks me great! all in the span of 2 weeks or less. fooking degenerate children hahahaha.

ok now i am overreacting. there are decent women out there. i am simply taking the worst aspects of HER and building a fantasy nightmare woman that doesnt really exist. and saying that all women are like this horrible demon that isnt even real, but made up of the worst elements of her, worst elements of some other women, and shit that angry hateful mgtows and Red Pill guys say on the internet.

this guy is all about the black pill, there was a rumor he did the college shooting in oregon but he didnt, it was that mulatto hahaha. but this guy eggman is a real hit with the ladies. i guess in this video he says some good stuff though. i wont listen to it though becuase it will probably be discouraging hahaha

well at least he is gainfully employed and has a nice car hahahahahahahahahaha

but he is a fat bitter woman hating cigarette smoker and he has to become a hyperborean ubermensch before he can pull a 6/10 hahahaha

but he works 90 hours a week! for 10 DAH!

hes leaving r9k

anyway i guess he seems like a good guy. i think he eventually got an ugly gf hahaha.

richard spencer has an actual talking talk with f roger devlin, the mysterious phd famous for his red pilled and brilliant writings on Women

really devlin should make videos for neets and omegas on how to game women hahahahahaha

hehehe heartiste writes very favorably of devlin of coursh

anyway i hope that eggman guy does alright, i can kinda relate to him.

but yeah. its not surprising that men who have utterly failed with women and always get dumped….are gonna be angry and bitter towards women.

but if you get obsessed about women and read game and mgtow and mra and theredpill stuff all day, and porno, uhhh this will only make you hate women more. you kinda need to do Intentional Ignorance. which is hard to do for Truthseekers and red pill types! but its best to IGNORE the truth about women until you stop hating women so damn much. and then be a strong leader of the women in your life, so they dont leave you for not being a strong leader hahaha.

mar 26

basically, the True Nature of women is so awful that unless you are an alpha male….you WILL hate women. Cuz they just are NATURALLY horrible, until society can get them under control again, with strong husbands and fathers and shaming. not going so far as mudslims, but back to the good old days of white patriarchy where fathers told their daughters dont be a whore. hell no you’re not going away to college to be a whore. you want to date a guy? i have to approve of every guy you date. bring them to me while I clean my gunz threateningly, say you bring my daughter home a minute after 9 pm, I am cutting your balls off. you call me SIR, boy.

no burkas, nothing like that, nothing like barefoot and pregnant. but the women will grow to LIKE being mothers, and will LIKE being a Helpmeet to their Man. They will GLADLY bring him a sandwich without even being asked. They respect and appreciate him.

I UNDERSTAND and GET hypergamy. But I don’t know why hypergamy has to be coupled with such Emotional Violence and Bitchiness. DONT ADD INSULT TO INJURY. I will accept the injury but I wont accept the INSULT. Be NICE to me when you dump me for a Better Man. Treat Betas and Omegas like Human Beings with feelings and hearts. And don’t be huuuuuuge fooking whores.

you can be hypergamous, but don’t be a huge whore or a huge bitch. period.

so, its womens NATURE to be huge insulting bitches and whores? so we must use “nurture” to contain and limit women’s nature?

i dunno i hate to think that womens nature is HORRIBLE. because i dont like thinking that nature should be run out with a pitchfork. thats how you cause problems! by DENYING human nature.

well not everything about human nature is GOOD. for example, our proclivity to eat too much. we do need to learn to control and disclipline ourselves, and women have been Brainwashed by the Media and Culture that Self Control is BAD.

Self control is NOT bad, it’s GREAT. its VERY GOOD.

google how to be stoic

how to be tough

how to be emotionally tough

can you fix something without knowing the cause? probably. But I get frustrated and nervous and obsessive when I dont know the cause.

like with muh job. we would have articles on supposedly how to fix things. or rather what to do. If I were writing the articles, I would have a simple list of steps along with a simple script to say while you do them. then at the bottom I would have a section For Future Reference on WHAT CAUSES the problem, and WHY you do each of the steps you do. Why does this happen, and why do these things fix it, and how can you prevent it.

the articles were just confusing as fook. they were long and complex and they didnt really EXPLAIN anything. they had steps of shit to do, but those steps were written in a confusing bloated manner.

you needed to make your own manual for the manual.

you needed to always read between the lines and try to think what is this REALLY saying. and the level 2’s would TALK to you in the same way.


So in terms of time being money, yeah I didnt understand why everything had to be so OBTUSE. shit being OBTUSE costs time and money.

now I can understand not training people. because then phones are ringing while people are sitting in a training session not answering phones.

i was watching “the profit” with this bald gay guy on cnbc and he was actually pretty good. he tries to save struggling businesses. takes a look at all aspects of the business, the management, the finances, the operations, the costs, revenue, margins, training. then he invests a ton of money in it and becomes a very active partner.

like this burger restaurant where he was like these burgers are mediocre, not worth $7 for this shit; your meat and cheese are mediocre and frozen; you drove out your best chef because the management and owners are huge micromanaging assholes; the place is a total mess.

but it raised questions for me. like yeah the place is a mess because it would cost a shitload of money to rent a dumpster and clean out the alley. the floor is filthy because it would cost a shitload of money to move everything out of the kitchen and restaurant and scrub the floor until it sparkles. and would it be worth that expense? does it make you more money if the floor under the freezer is clean? the business is already losing like 5 grand  a month. most of the money was going towards food costs. they were somehow spending TOO MUCH money on that shitty frozen freezer beef. now mr hardcore MBA comes in and wants to spend MORE money on food?

but i did like how he said hey stop micromanaging and being bitches to one of your best employees the chef, you drove him away once, now treat him good because he is valuable to this place.

waaawaaaaa i was never VALUABLE to an employer, always easily replaced.

I was never VALUABLE to a woman, always easily replaced hahahahahaha.

aren’t I valuable?

of coursh not, you have to MAKE YOURSELF VALUABLE!!!!!!!

Yeah well I thought I was valuable to her on SOME level.

I was at the fatclub burning 1000 calories when I saw a young woman who used to work at our workplace. who knows if she still works there. but she was working there when I left. it was weird to see someone who SEES HER EVERY DAY. I wonder if they talk, if they are friends now, if she texted her saying guess who I saw….etc etc etc.

Now I barely talked to this woman and I pretended like I didnt see her. But she was right in front of me and I think she might have seen me!!! But women are GREAT at not noticing people, or at least acting like they don’t notice people. but who knows how much they ACTUALLY notice. since i am paranoid and hate women, i think they notice EVERYTHING so as to use it against you, when they appear like they dont notice you at all.

how can a White Human Being be so horrible?

I’ve noticed a lot of Blacks in MGTOW. Like at least 40% of harcore MGTOW youtube channels are Black American Men. I wonder if this makes MGTOW men more likely to side with black men, because they are men, rather than white women. to find sex more important than race in other words.

anyway its hard to know What Is Women. Are they what TheRedPill says they are, the worst horrible pieces of shit? they sure aren’t perfect princesses. So I think we need a Purple Pill for Women, in that I think the Red Pill view of women goes TOO FAR. Women can’t be THAT bad, can they? I hope not.

Heh. it sucks to doubt your own judgment THIS much. you need to be confident that what you’re doing is right. once you start doubting, then you lose confidence that ANY of your Important Decisions are Correct. Also had this at the job. becuase you had no confidence in your knowledge, you doubted your sense of judgment. YEP i can make 60 decisions an hour, but I’ll never know if they were the right decision! you want to go through and check them? of course you dont have time for that. if you had time for that, you’d have time to train people better so they WOULD know stuff and have Good Judgment.

So What Are Women?

That Sex At Dawn Phaggot actually had ONE good point in that we are now in a state of “Sexual OBESITY”, in that anything and everything is freely available, so we (alpha males and women, not “we” at all really haha) GORGE like GLUTTONS at the feast. Same way since Hearty Food is SO freely available, we GORGE on food FAR beyond our daily needs, and become no self control fat fooks. this is natural given our UNNATURAL ENVIRONMENT. But can an environment ever be unnatural? i dunno, but it can DEFINITELY be UNHEALTHY and BAD. And I guess its human nature to adapt to our environment, good or bad.

Rick MOranis’s hiatus from acting was influenced by his wifes death from cancer and his decision to focus on his children. very honorable. unfortunately he is a J. I guess I shouldnt be surprised by that. but he is a J  I kinda like. I wish he were White because he seems very principled and moral and good and honorable.

well, i have a tendency to IDEALIZE people I like, and to Anti-Idealize/Demonize people I DONT Like. meaning, make them better or worse than they really are. all in my MIND.

anyway basically people having TOO MUCH FREEDOM and in that they can be enslaved by their Desires and Appetites and Id. Betas to Porn, Fatties to Food, and Women to Alpha Carousel during their 20s.

but these are unhealthy SUBSETS of larger groups that are NOT INHERENTLY UNHEALTHY.

hehehe see all the mental gymnastics you have to do to prove to yourself that women aren’t inherently shitty hahaha? why not just accept the red pill then?

because i cant. i cant accept that all women are shitty horrible bitches and whores. i dont want to live in that kind of world.

anyway yeah its weird to see a person who i KNOW saw HER that same DAY. TODAY. yesterday. very recently. I cant get her to respond to me, to say anything to me, she just ends a Significant Longterm Rel by Total Blocking, and then this other woman sees her every DAY. well maybe one of them left the company. I will never know. I certainly didnt talk to this other woman. Like I said I only talked to her maybe all of 1 minute. she seemed very bitchy and slutty as well. had an attractive young body combined with some pretty slutty tattoos. of course that job will make you bitchy. it made me bitchy! and others too. it made everyone more bitchy.  doesnt mean you can’t have an actual friendly meeting outside of work though. nights and weekends baby.

like I see this person, and I know this person JUST SAW THAT PERSON. Well, not if one of them left the job. maybe That Person found a better job and now makes 17 DAH hahahah and is after even more alpha men. but shes an idiot with terrible judgment, who picks awful men, and who has no understanding of what she does. how can she make good decisions and judgment on the job?

it just goes to show you didnt need to be smart or sharp. you just had to go through motions and be unflusterable. get good at saying theres nothing we can do, it is what it is, sorry, is there anything else i can help you with. you didnt HAVE To try to figure stuff out. you just make sure you say this and that and play the game and Hit Your Metrics. she was good at that but horrible at actually understanding things at a deep level. that was where I was starting to get good, by becoming obsessive and a maniac, unsustainably so.  i was PRETTY good at my metrics too. what im saying was i was a better smarter more valuable employee than her. but i was much more flusterable. emotionally unstable. yep i was more emotionally unstable than a damn WOMAN. that does not bode well for the cofidence.

it was like we were playing a game of CHICKEN and SHE won.

we were competing against each other and she won. she Bested me. she outperformed me. she was TOUGHER than me.

But yeah I just cant trust my own judgment on women. and reading anything on the internet sucks. people debate and debate what women really are. and of course women dont know.

yeah its just frustrating. that they are like half the worlds population and you DONT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. a weird alien living among you. or not because you dont know any anymore.

i saw a person who probably saw HER, yesterday.

it would be different if i were actually on speaking terms with them!

cuz then I would be very tempted to ask, know anything about HER!

i mean i had seen another person from the workplace, this time a man, a few months ago, at the gym. he was kinda a douchebag and i avoided him. i had nothing to say to him. i wonder if SHE is friends with either of these people now. or with the young man I was friends with there. He was a great guy but back then he didnt talk to HER at all. wonder if they talk now. maybe he could tell her hey it might be a good idea to talk to ME. cuz he was the only person i actually TOLD about all this.

haha maybe she and him fooked. i dont think he would sell me out like that, but i dont really talk to him anymore. she of course i dont trust at all. she would totally sell me out like that.

really i thought i could trust her, but i clearly couldn’t. i trusted her not to block me like a stalker. cuz  wasnt damn stalking her. i was just upset she was dumping me by completely ignoring me. this would upset any man. or woman. especially a woman. if a man did this to a woman, the woman would go APESHIT. a LOT worse than i did.

well i am entitled to my feelings as long as i dont violently Aggress against another person. non aggression principle. prime directive. if anything i wish she cared more about my fee fees.

but yeah. i wonder if that girl talks to her, if she told that girl about me, and when that girl saw me, she pretended not to see me, and then told HER that she saw me. are they friends? do they hang out? what did she tell her about ME? that i was a creepy, unstable, bipolar CRAZY PSYCHO. only psychos quit jobs. dont even bother getting my side of the story. crazy psychos dont have valid sides of stories. their stories are crazy and psycho and wrong.

mar 27

is there a website with sample Critical Thinking Puzzles and Problems that you can do? Simulations? choose the next step kind of thing? in a way it was like we were working on Story Problems all day. Complicated, in depth problems where we felt Out Of Our Depth.

went to easter vigil mass yesterday and it was 2 and a half hours long. i thought you could either go to three and a half of these in a row, or go to one day of WORK. sitting in church is a MUCH better idea. because you just sit there and Praise GOD, rather than try to figure out weird problems all day and feel PUT ON THE SPOT all day.

also there was some nice music and singing as part of the mass. i thought well, they HAD to have practiced or rehearsed for this. you know that uncomfortable feeling you get when you listen to a person sing way out of tune, or a musician totally botch the performance. its like, didn’t you even practice this? it sounds like you didnt even practice this. like you just came in here and youre doing it for the first time. how could you think you could get away with that? you obviously suck!

think of a school band that is given a piece of music to play but they’ve never practiced it before or seen it before, but told to try to play it all together. and it sounds like a total cacaphony. many instruments playing the shit wrong.

well imagine you are the whole band, trying to play multiple pieces of music, and what your client hears is this amateur hour bullshit. that does not give them confidence and it sure as hell does not give YOU confidence.

and then every 20 minutes you get another complex piece of music youve never seen before. to perform for an audience which is judging you on your competence.

not sure exactly when i started studying regularly after work. i should have been doing it the whole time. I think it was around january 2015. i had already been there like 8 months. or 7. and only then did i start getting obsessive. now by then my confidence was getting eaten away by new issues and also the situation with HER was going nowhere and getting worse. that prob influenced me more to try to exert more control over my job, because i had no control on what was going on with HER.

it wasnt just that she treated ME as worthless, its that she treated our REL as worthless. thats hard to explain. it was like she didnt care that we once had an important thing, that was important to her too, which she enjoyed being a part of. for years. you wonder, was it ever important? was that whole thing in my crazy mind only? i know it wasnt, but I dont appreciate her treating it like it was.

the level of Problem Solving and COmmunication and Technical training I’m looking for, like stuff that would actually HELP me with my job, is probably so high level that you can’t expect to find it for FREE on the internet. but rather PAY hundreds of dollars for proprietary bullshit.

like my best training was studying the internal company websites, cases, knowledge base, intranet, that you of course had to log into. its not freely available on the Open Internet.

yeah for a while i thought she might be THE ONE. muh soulmate. the person I was gonna spend the rest of muh life with. a person i could get married to, have chirren with. i mean it was serious shit. i hardly even GET ALONG with a woman THAT well, and i had NEVER fallen in Real Luv with one of these rare women before. so i figured that was a sign. This Is The One.

when you get weird computer errors, you think jeez i wish i had someone who knew what they were doing who can help me with this, cuz this shit makes no sense. so then you call a tech support Genius…….who knows NO MORE than you do. does THAT make any sense? and i was that guy.

moreover, how does the AVERAGE person deal with this kind of confusion on the job, handling problems that are really too complicated for their level of training and intelligence, and there is nothing on the internet to help the average employee with these common on the job problems? there arent millions of people like me looking for help with their confusion and nervousness?

i get my travel bug on by “visiting” places through google maps and earth. yesterday i took a “trip” in krakow. looks like a real nice place.

i wonder if the people in BELARUS are any good. you could probably find a great white wife there!!!! everybody forgets belarus is even a country!!!!!!

problem solving tests for employment google

brain games for adults

practice multitasking tests every day to get better at multitasking

i am slightly below average in multitasking speed, so i do multitasking exercises in my spare time to increase my multitasking to ABOVE average! as of now, I am in the TOP 25% of multitaskers!

because if youre NOT, that means you dont deserve a 15 DAH job. so how come everyone you know and all 30000 people you went to college with make more than 15DAH? hahahaha

that woman wanted to stop being my friend because i didnt make enough money for my age. she at around age 25 was making the same money i was making at age 30+. now she is making WAY more, cuz i am making NOTHING.

google how to LIE to people



You’ve gotten involved with a guy who’s used to being babied, a guy who seems to become devastated over the littlest thing. You don’t want to be around him anymore, but you’re scared that if you break up with him, he’ll sob hysterically, beg you not to, and refuse to take “no” for an answer. Worse yet, even if you do manage to break things off, he might keep begging and become more pitiful than ever. One way to get around that is to get him to break up with you. That way, he’ll feel it was a decision he made, and he won’t keep imploring you to take him back.


its more like being creative and coming up with plausible STORIES for something, so you can have a bullshit explanation to go with saying “no” to them. it really doesnt matter what you say as long as it sounds believable. and never are you going to get called out on it. you just don’t put your stupid story in the case notes. you just note “informed caller this could not be done / issue could not be fixed / fix for problem is not available / must start over again. void the transaction”



Take note of your communication and interaction styles. In addictive relationships, the pair is usually unable to discuss risky issues and often glaze over certain topics with half-truths. If you notice that you and your partner rarely have truly intimate conversations relating to your personal fears or dreams, you may be in an addictive relationship.[6]

  • Healthy relationships involve intimacy in which conversations go below the surface into areas you would normally not share with the public. These attachments also include give and take from both partners as well as mutual benefit from the attachment.[7]
  • Unhealthy and codependent relationships generally stay above the surface and have few fulfilling conversations. Maybe you are always pretending to be cheerful around the other person, but, inside, you feel sad or confused. You may only ever feel relaxed and happy when the other person is feeling this way. You fear what would happen if you told your lover or friend how you really feel.[8]


never forget the big picture of why you are lying: to save TIME and MONEY for your company and ADD VALUE, thus justifying them spending money on YOU. you are saving them more money by resolving lots of issues quickly and getting people off the phone, than they are paying you.

why keep somebody on the phone for something your department is not willing or able to fix?

cuz you might say, well they’ll just CALL BACK when the shit breaks AGAIN and your bandaid fix fell off. the bandaid fell off and they want a new one, or a more permanent fix, or a brand new piece of equipment.

i dunno. it doesnt matter. just get them off the phone as quickly as possible so you can take the next call and get them off the phone as quickly as possible. that is how you solve technical problems. by misdirecting and getting the person off the phone as soon as possible, and at best, doing a bandaid fix that is done with all the confidence and elegance of a grade school band trying to play a fooking beethoven symphony.

of special olympians at their first synchronized swimming practice.

the corporate bullshit generator making nonsense but grammatically correct sentences out of corporate bullshit and buzzwords. NOICE!!!!!!

  • The business leaders secure our measure; nevertheless the Chief IT Strategy Catalyst interactively prioritizes a collaborative delivery framework.

that kind of stuff. meaningless mba masterbation.



mar 22

went to the shrink, better do post shrink analysis here.

i said i was concerned with muh woman hating, vs not all women are like that, and we talked about my Picker, some people pick crazy shitty people and say why are all women like that, when really its just them picking the worst women ever. fact is my PICKER isnt THAT fooked up. I picked a couple of actually decent women. at least half were good, defensible choices. they weren’t all crazy pieces of shit. even the ones that were bad or crazy, I can see how or why they were crazy, and I don’t hate them like I used to. even THAT WOMAN she’s not literally crazy or shitty or horrible….she just did a cowardly thing that happened to hurt me a lot. she didnt even want to hurt me a lot. if she did this to anyone else, they would not hurt as much. it’s not first degree evil, its more like manslaughter or accidental death. well….it wasn’t quite ACCIDENTAL.

anyway i can still read warning signs. I read the warning signs that said our rel was In Trouble, I just didn’t see anything that said it was gonna BLOW UP like it did. it didn’t think it was gonna be THIS bad. but it was CLEAR that things were not going well, and that she prob didnt want to Date me, but would rather get fooked by random Tyrones than be with a man who was truly committed to her hahahaha.

basically when i am sitting there talking to people I am not as weird or as fooked up as I think I am. is that just me wearing the mask? or is that my real self? i dunno I really dont think its a mask per se. i really dont. if anything i dont have any mask with the shrink and i am pretty comfortable talking to them!

i mean im not lying! i dont WANT to hate women!!!! i really hope not all women are like that!

i dont like being confused and overwhelmed all day where I dont know what to do….but i gotta do SOMETHING to solve the weirdass problems. think outside of the box ALL the time with lots of pressure. I can think outside of the box 50% of the time, but 100% of the time?

i forgot about the apricity, a european cultural forum. they get really autistic about dna and mdna and ydna and clades and subraces and shit and allow nonwhites and jews and albanians hahah.

mar 23



his FATHER was a 100% joo and his mother was slovak shiksa. so paul was 50% J. still not good. most 50% J’s identify as J’s. but i thought this masculine handsome man was 100% goy!!!! damn!!!!!

anyway just wanted to add that i have tons of unanswered questions, that will NEVER be answered. like what did she really think, what did she really feel. yes it matters to me. because i cared what she thought, and also it affects me directly.

i realized that another big thing i liked about her was that she was HONEST. I never got the impression that she was hiding anythign from me, that she had a double life. she was HONEST. that is HUGE. i TRUSTED her. so YUGE. many women, I get the feeling pretty quick they are not telling me the full story. like of all their guy friends they are banging hahaha. or that they are losing interest in me and dont really enjoy spending time with boring lame weak nice old me hahaha. they meet exciting secsy new guys all the time. ms popular.

she wasnt like that AT ALL. she had barely any friends, she would drop her friends when they turned out to be bad influence losers, and just hang out with her family instead. i liked this. these are all good signals.

an when she was avoiding me, she had excuses, but they weren’t really LIES. and I really dont think she was LYING when she said she wanted to hang out at some point.

what she didnt say though, was that she wanted me to lose my feelings for her before we could hang out again.

i think she was honestly interested in staying friends for the long term…..IF I didnt get special feelings for her. she couldn’t handle that AT ALL.

and at that point she didn’t LIE, she just stuck her head in the sand like an ostrich.

but yeah i just wanted to note that it was very important to me that she was so honest. that is a very important quality for me. very very very. not that i’ve had women BLATANTLY lie to me….but they had a very sneaky, covert, duplicitous, two faced way of hiding things and almost being two people. I HATE that sneaky shit. HATE it.  It’s The Woman’s preferred way of lying. I would PREFER BLATANT lies. boldface lies. not these sneaky jooish lies. and i dont mean to imply they are “little white lies.” little white lies are harmless. these sneaky lies are harmful. like yeah im gonna dump you because id rather fook more interesting guys. bet ya didnt see that coming! well….i kinda did, cuz its not like i really TRUSTED them. I WISHED I could trust them, but i clearly couldnt.

with her, I really TRUSTED her, and she did seem really honest and trustworthy. And technically she never lied to me! she was honest but was a big time AVOIDER. avoiding sucks but it isnt really lying.

and yeah we got along GREAT. it was a very special good friendship where we got along so well. I appreciated that. it was no surprise that it finally “CLICKED” for me. That I wanted this great special friendship to go to the next level. it’s not every day you meet someone you get along with THIS well. only happens a couple of times in your life.

i dont like Online Dating because you just meet too many people short term and it seems like a job interview except with fooking. i am sure it leads to promiscuity. i mean if you go out with a guy for 3 dates, you HAVE to fook him right? then immediately lose interest in him and Ghost him hahahaha. repeat the process with another online guy. check the check boxes. well this guy is OK but not great. and there are 60000000000000 other guys out there willing to Date me. one of thems gotta be better.

this is the total opposite of how we became friends. i first met her at a job, we got along immediately but i didn’t trust her right away becuase im not an idiot. but after months and months of getting along well, i began to trust her and know her better.

with online dating, youre not going to get months and months to get to know someone better. you have a good impression on the first date, good impression on the second date, then fook, then continue making good impressions or you’re gone and IMMEDIATELY replaced with a new candidate. or you already know the woman is having several first dates with new men every week, because that’s normal and not frowned upon like it should be.

and thats the world shes getting into. its horrible for women and its not great for me either.

why couldnt she appreciate how WELL we got along?  that doesnt come along very often in life!!!!!!!! it was a special thing!!!!! treat it like its special!

but I can forgive her because i know this was just cowardice and immaturity and stupidity. there was no malice or deception intended. it was just a big baby acting like a big baby.

i think ideally she WANTED to continue being friends. but she also wanted me to stop these feelings. and i just couldnt do that. if i could i would!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I was bad about communicating and she was 600000000 times WORSE.

so i have good reason to believe that she WAS hurt by losing our rel, as I would hope that she would be, that she DID find our rel important to her, she wasn’t LYING about that……i just wish she had the BACKBONE to be able to TELL me that, so that it was NEVER in doubt.

so many unanswered questions. so many questions i have to ask her, like what were you honestly thinking and feeling? For you theres not so many unanswered questions becuase I wrote you long emails and tried to answer any question you might have had about my feelings and how things developed. I just wanted you to similarly answer some questions for me. just share your feelings honestly with me. I know you can be honest. I luved your honesty.

so yeah it was very important for me just to get along so well with a female human being. that hadn’t happened since like 2005. took 7 years for me to meet her and have it happen again. also i didnt fall in luv with the woman from 2005!!!!! she was literally just a friend and I was fine with that.

heh. i don’t mind being friends with women. i LIKE it because it proves i dont hate women, and that i can get along with women. and unlike Dating, everything isnt stupid and rushed. I dont have to wear a mask and pretend to be more macho, or feel pressured to have secs too soon, like all women want to cuz theyre sluts. dating sucks, being friends is fun and positive. i like getting along with women. and at this point, my ideal is friends first, then develop into moar. because you actually have something there that’s real, long term, sustainable, sustaining. my friendships with women have always seemed a lot more REAL than when i dated women, which was like a rushed production. it was real fun in parts, but overall, it was a rushed production. not so with my women friends. there everything was completely natural and good. until i got feeligns hahaha. but it would have been so good if it worked out.

i mean i can reasonable conclude answers to most of my questions and try to reassure myself with that: she doesnt HATE me, i didnt do anything WRONG, she doesnt’ think i BETRAYED her, she just wanted to AVOID stress, she DOES value knowing me and thought our time together was special and good…….but it would have been 6 gorillion times better if she had just TOLD me that. or wrote me an email telling me that hahaha.

i told you a bunch of stuff even though you didnt ask. didn’t you care enough to ask? i think she did care, she was just too cowardly to ask, there wasnt enough BENEFIT to her to ask. besides, I gave her a lot of answers, so therefore, less incentive to contact me for more answers.

well, assuming she even read the emails. that’s something i’ll never know. I’m sort of assuming she just deleted them, or never read them. but maybe she did! I hoped she did but i’ll never know if she did. if she wanted information and answers and explanation from me, she could find of ton of that in there. i gave her everything she could possibly want: answers, explanation, availability, openness, willingness, and also I flipped out and left the job, which meant, for her, that she didn’t have to see me, look at me, deal with my Creepiness. So it was technically a huge WIN WIN for her. she could very realistically pretend I never existed. She could ignore me and I would go away.  it worked out perfectly for her. she continues at the job, moves up in career and life, meets exciting new men, our Good Friendship becomes an increasingly faded and forgotten memory, there is plenty of fun new stuff to overshadow it.

meanwhile i am completely devastated because i can’t deal with stress. a little bit of stress and rejection and heartbreak and my whole life is literally ruined. this is a way of symbolically K’ing myself, because I am not into actual literal Suizid. some people eat a bottle of pills, some slash their wrists, a cry for help, some people cut themselves, drink too much…….i just quit my job and become a neet loser hahahaha.

my yeah. muh feelings. it hurts to have an important person in your life and then boom they are totally gone. not because they died, but because they LEFT you. COMPLETELY. left you and completely BLOCKED you. it would be better to have one of those half-ass break ups where you think you might get back together again because she’s being too nice to you. like what happened with woman2005. then eventually i came to hate her in a way i will never hate This Woman, and probably that hate helped me get over woman2005. that took way too long thouh hahaha.

i just take a long time to get over women in general. it sucks.

i either want to have HER, or to find someone new as quickly as possible to replace her and forget about her. but i know it just doesnt WORK like that. it just takes a very long time to get over the previous person. so i hate it when women jump into new rels so quickly just because they can. it’s not fair to the man. take a long break from dating AND FOOKING AND ALL PHYSICAL STUFF when you end a rel, BITCHES. hahahaha.

but yeah the feeling of being replaced. she would rather fook some new guy than hang out with me, rather have casual meaningless sex than give our rel the respect it deserved. unbelievable. DISGUSTING.

but we actually had spent a decent amount of time together over the years. she never used to blow me off, avoid me, I wasn’t like her guy of the week where she was interested in me for like a week or a month like some other women. she didnt treat people like that, and i liked that about her. i don’t want to hang out with people who burn through their interest in me so quickly. im not just some flavor of the week hahaha. i am all about long term everything. no social relationship, friendship, or Romance should EVER be short term.

its not so much she did a 180.  i didnt feel she was being dishonest. if anything she was confused and didnt know what to do, so she did nothing. she probably KNEW the right thing to do, but she avoided doing it because it was too HARD. I guess I just want to know that she was smart and decent enough to even KNOW what the right thing to do here was.

hehehe THAT WOMAN was also not an ATTENTION WHORE who had 500 or more fb friends!

hehehe he is honestly an excellent writer. that makes me more willing to believe his degenerate points, which may be bad. but this isnt degenerate, its just Human Nature goy!! there are rumors that heartiste is at least somewhat a J, and that he gets his ideas from Black Bigman Ooga Booga Thuggery. But women will respond better to a Caricature of Masculinty than the absolutely lack of masculinity from modern white males like carl the cuck or aids skrillex hahahaha.

mar 24

had a weird dream, interesting dream. yes she was in it for 1 second. we were in this large building or ship. there were lots of rooms and floors and a decent amount of people in there. the place seemed kind of dingy and shitty overall. but behind one small unassuming door in a small unassuming room, the door opened up into a huge magnificent ballroom. it was in a slight state of disrepair but it was clear it could be fixed up with any effort. it was huge and just kept going and going. in that dreamlike way, it was SOOO big that eventually it became Outdoors.

anyway i found a small hole next to an old car and for whatever reason climbed into the hole and slid down to the bottom, which was a lot further than i expected. it was a tiny cramped narrow hole but a very long one. very claustrophobia inducing. there were other people in the hole all holding onto each others legs so they didnt slip further. i was now the bottom person in the hole. to get out i had to climb up all of the other people in the hole.

essentially it was last one in, first one out; first one in, last one out.

so the people nearer the top kinda get screwed. they have to wait longer before they can climb out.

now once i got out i stayed at the opening of the hole and tried to help people. not sure how that worked but i tried hahaha. i morally supported everybody hahaha. said its ok keep going were gonna get you out of here soon.

so i figured that was a good metaphor for my life and my mission: to help people who had fallen down the same hole I did.

so i saw HER in the dream because i was on the WARPATH looking for her: “she’s AVOIDING me, but im gonna FIND her!” she was avoiding me but not making a huge effort to HIDE from me, so I found her a few rooms over, hanging out with her new exciting secsy friends. only it wasn’t really like that. she appeared to be laying on a couch with a much older man laying on top her her. like a 60 year old man. but they werent doing anything Secsy. weird. the whole room was filled with quiet sad looking people. I came in and made a scene like “HA! I FOUND YOU! YOU CANT HIDE FROM ME!” and then I found out everyone was so quiet and sad because it was some kind of memorial service for a dead person. great. now i looked like a real asshole. and she would never come back to me. not sure why the old man was laying on top of her. maybe it implies she was molested by an adult when she was young? but I really don’t think she was!!!!!!!!! MAYBE she was. it would explain quite a lot actually. but i have no idea, no proof, and i will never know.  its POSSIBLE and it would explain a bit of her behavior. she may have had a deadbeat father but her mother was pretty good as far as single mothers go, took good care of her, did not neglect her, and prob would not let her be molested! but still all it takes is once, plus children can be scared to come forward.

but yeah its NICE to have an ACTUAL female friend for several YEARS, it’s an actual real relationship with a woman, not some open and shut charade where it begins and ends within 3 months. they quickly lose interest in you and are immediately with a new more exciting guy.

not with her, she was open and honest with me from the beginning, was interested in me, cared for me, gave me time and attention for about 2 YEARS. that is pretty valuable and special IMHO.

like i say, it was a muuuuuuch more important relationship than any of the gurls i “dated”, which were all under 3 months. short term BULLSHIT. this was a long term rel that actually meant something.

yes that is very hard to lose.

yeah i was more invested so i can’t really blame her for “breaking my heart” as much as I can be mad and disappointed in her for simply not CARING that I was HURTING. In a longterm friendship you usually show CARE and CONCERN for the FEELINGS of the other person.

anyway. how do you bullshit a person when you dont know what you’re doing? how much should you study every day after work? well no more than 2 hours i would say. you still gotta go to the gym, GOMAD, and spend time with your family. and stay up till 4 am writing papers for your univ of pheonix class, so you can one day make 16 DAH in an office job, really advance your career, and find a good white wife with all that money and confidence hahaha!

then get 2 hours of sleep and go try to solve weird problems on the phone for 10 hours where it feels like a test that you did not study for at all, an oral exam administered by impatient proctors. “what do you mean? that doesnt make sense. well what happens if bla bla bla bla stuff you’ve never heard of before?” “uhhhhhh i dunno let me try to find out for you, please hold.” 5 minutes later. “Ok did you mean x or y or z?” “what do you mean? I’m just saying bla bla bla bla.” “ok please hold, let me ask again.” 5 minute later. “ok here’s what they’re saying. they’re saying this can’t be done, its not built to do this.”  “well are they gonna fix it? this sucks.” “yep it does suck. and no, I don’t believe they are gonna fix it any time soon. i can check if you give me 5 minutes.” “no thats ok. but what do i do here now?” “hmmmmmmm. great question. let me get back to you in 5 minutes. too bad the level 2 didn’t advise me what you should actually DO here, 5 to 10 minutes ago. please hold!” asking the level 2: “so what do they actually DO here? caller is confused and so am I. I don’t know what to tell them. Is there anything they can DO.” 5 minutes later, from level 2: “Nope not really. can’t be fixed. tell them to start over again I guess.” to customer: “level 2 says nope nothing you can do but start over. i guess hahahaha.” “can I talk to this level 2? I can’t believe they said that.” “neither can I, but I promise you they did, and I can’t think of a way to candy coat it. but you can’t talk to them. they have to give shitty answers to 20 different people in this chat room for the next 4 hours, they can’t take calls.” “wtf kind of operation are you running over there?” “yeah I know. its absolutely ridiculous. I couldn’t explain it to you even if I understood it. But a lot of time I end up trying to explain things I don’t really understand.  it truly boggles the mind and will drive you insane. want to switch jobs? please save me from this hell! what did I do to deserve this! I must have made baby torture snuff videos in a previous life!!! I must have been the worst person ever! Why is GOD Punishing me like he did with Job? at least Job had strong faith and a successful life! You’re not really teaching me anything here GOD, except that life is suffering!”

Well, life kind of IS suffering!

Well, maybe the more accurate thing to say is life is STRUGGLING, but it doesn’t have to be constantly SUFFERING. you suffer too much, and then you lose the will to keep on struggling.

anyway the job is sorta like that scene in monty python holy grail where prince herberts father tells the 2 guards to STAY HERE, AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T LEAVE. And the 2 guards hilariously misunderstand that simple instruction and he needs to explain it 20 times and they STILL misunderstand it EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Only instead of ridiculously simple and straightforward instructions like



it was super complicated and 50-step procedures that you had no concept of, had never done before, had no idea what they looked like, and which may include other things in there which they didn’t mention and you don’t know what to do on those contingencies.

so in other words, it was really easy to screw up and you were essentially being given incomplete and vague instructions not appropriate for the complicated task you had to do. quickly. while explaining it. but not understanding it.

imagine if the GUARDS were trying to explain to you MUCH more complicated things than in that movie.

so you kinda had to be like the guards and try to interpret instructions in the weirdest ways so you could ask in advance, well what if THIS happens? what if THAT happens? are you SURE you included everything weird that may or may not pop up during that huge procedure? is there ANYTHING else that MIGHT happen that I MIGHT need to know? I’ve never done this before. You’ve been here 3 years and actually seem to know shit. I don’t KNOW shit. Just tell me what to do and i’ll do it, but know I don’t really know right from wrong. I’ve only been here for a few hellish months and still don’t have good knowledge and judgment.


to such a morally minded person as me, it is INFURIATING and MADDENING to not know right from wrong in so many situations. Is this right? i dunno, i guess. Is this working properly? I dunno, i guess, i don’t see anything wrong happening, though I might not recognize wrong when I see it. These aren’t moral matters, but weird technical matters.

i was way smarter than her! yet i freaked out and got flustered a lottttttttt more than she did. of COURSE that annoyed her. everything I did ANNOYED her.

well then tell me what you would do in this situation.

i dunno lol just figure something out.

but you’re an idiot. you don’t know how to figure jack shit out. i just want to know what to do. thats why i study this shit feverishly when i GO HOME. you just smoke MJ and hang out with your FAMILY hahahaha.

its not like she was hanging out with GUYS or was super social either. She was blowing me off just so she could SIT AT HOME with her FAMILY. it’s better than being blown off to party with the gurls or suck dix, but still. Why can’t I just come over and hang out with your family too? I wouldn’t mind seeing them more. I know family is important to you, I agree, family is very important. I wouldn’t mind meeting your family.

i met her mother several times and that was ok, but I would have liked to spend more time with her family to show them i was a decent guy who could be trusted, was a decent guy for her.

and as my feelings grew, she seemed less willing to allow me near her family. or maybe that was just a side effect of her avoiding me in general haha. probably yes the latter. again i don’t think she was deeply thinking about anything at all. she was just quickly emotionally reacting.

I was emotionally reacting too, but I was also deeply deeply obsessively thinking about it over and over and over. ruminating. I dont think she was a Ruminator whatsoever. Shit I wish she were. SMART people RUMINATE.  hahahaha. well, smart people THINK about shit at least a LITTLE bit. she doesn’t THINK about shit AT ALL.

well she didnt think about our situation at ALL. that sucks. she’s willing to think about other rels and other guys but not me.

well hell i’ll never know. I want to know, were you even thinking about me. did i matter to you at all? or was I really just a piece of garbage to you? i can’t believe THAT.

shit. it was such a clusterfook. the fact that the job was paired with HER, made HER all the more worse; and the fact that she was paired with the JOB made the JOB all the more worse. Really destroyed my confidence in Doing Jobs (and having Rels with Women.). so now i cant feel i can do ANY job.

how to bullshit convincingly in tough situations. how to sell someone on an idea even you dont believe. how to fake confidence. how to sound like you believe your own bullshit.

drinking really weak watery coffee seems to be best on my stomach and guts and such. best way to get your caffeine/coffee fix. i just cant drink strong coffee. otherwise too much pooping and gurgling. needs to be weak. jelly of those men who can drink super strong coffee.

so im sitting here looking at maps of new caledonia and the maldives and the kyber pass and the seychelles and some french island i never heard off near comoros and madagascar, rather than doing important productive stuff. wondering, do they have Nightclubs and Hookers here. but why do I want to bang melanesian and polynesian and indian and asian and african hookers? i dont really.

maybe i would rather bang nonwhite hookers than white hookers though. hooking is so degenerate i dont even want to THINK of white women doing it.

ok paul of tarsus is the same as the saul who became paul on the road to damascus. he was called “paul the apostle” but was not an official twelve apostles. how could he be. he was killing christians. well i dunno about that. hes the one who wrote all the Letters/Epistles.

google how to make decisions quickly.

jsut DO SOMETHING FAST. dont sit there and scratch your head. DO SOMETHING NOW. AND EXPLAIN what you’re doing and why you’re doing it while you’re doing it. fast fast fast. move move move.

transient advantage. I READ THE HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ie, people that are huge sluts with high numbers have lower marriage satisfaction and commitment because they rode the carousel and have no oxytocin left hahahahaha

being promiscuous is simply not emotionally healthy for people.

Girls are also having anal sex: 20 percent of women 18 to 19 have, 40 percent by ages 20 to 24.

from this shitty article:

what about 28 year olds? is that like 60% then?

some real ted talks bullshit hahahaha.

maybe this bitch catlady with an mba and 10 cats and no children, and cant keep a man because she’s 50, only has thirsty omeegas lusting after her dried up womb, and the successful men she works with dont even consider her for an affair because she’s 50 and crazy, maybe she can teach me how to make good decisions faster hahahahaha.

me and the woman had a GOOD rel.

according to this article, we had a lot of long term potential. i shared her values. i accepted her for who she was. she accepted me for who i was.  she was warm and trustworthy for the first 80%. did we have equal mate value? well not any more. her mate value is WAY higher than mine hahaha. but in the beginning it seemed we had much closer mate value. we were both making Pretty Good money. but fact is, she was younger and Prettier hahaha. but as friends and humans we had about equal Human Value hahahaha.

she made me feel good about myself. well in the first 80%. near the end, i felt horrible about myself because she was rejecting me and avoiding me and shutting me out and that really hurt.

when you are texting more than you are really talking, its time to have some FACE TIME hehehehe.

yep. she increasing didnt want to talk face to face so I was increasingly dependent on TEXTS, and facebook messages, and instant message chats. she could CHAT with me from across the room, but she couldnt talk to me face to face. it was SO fooked up. well to be fair i was weird in person too. but if i had like 1 hour to hang out with her outside of work, then it would have been better. at work there was always WORK hanging over your head. better get back to work before you get in trouble. im worried about our rel but i’m also worried about this work i don’t know how to do.

but then when i saw her outside of work at The Final Event, she was very distant there too though.

however there was no way I could have a serious conversation with her there. it was loud and public and she was with family member. come on. and that was the last time i ever talked to her. damn. she did not want to see me outside of work AT. ALL. so me aproaching her outside of work was the NAIL IN THE COFFIN. but do you really expect this from a Good Friend? hell no!

i think a 2.5 Close Friendship is WORTH her writing a long email at least! its WORTH a long, serious conversation!

hehehe companies hate training employees, but employees need training to do a good job! but companies give the wrong kind of training anyway. hey i forgot i technically had training. but the article is right, you need to train behaviors. we learned the behaviors by “SHADOWING” people actually doing their jobs. WATCH AND LEARN, they said. I wish there was more of an easing into there. like, we had more time to say do a 2 person call and be coached by the more experienced person. instead of 1 or 2 days of shadowing and then BOOM we had to do the job.

wasting time studying partially recognized states in the caucasus, such as abkhazia, south ossetia, nagorno kabakh.

y dna haplogroups. r1a.

anyway. i want to find a podcast to help you bullshit better and sound confident. so you can get jobs and women.  and not sound like a nervous inferior omega neet that cant get jobs or women. or you just get the shittiest fattest ugly women, and not for committment either, cuz they can do better than you hhahaha.

well the jokes on them, cuz i’m not interested in them either hahaha! i am only interested in women that are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY out of my league. hahaha. i guess in this way I’m also like a woman. wanting more than you can have.


ok article here.


E.g., “I’m feeling awkward and anxious right now; I really want to talk to you about ______, but I’m afraid.”

“I feel nervous approaching you about this because I’m not sure how you feel about it, but there’s something I really want to talk about.”

 “This is awkward for me, but I really want to talk to you about something. Do you have a few minutes?”

If the answer is no, then, “When would be a good time?”

(You can reasonably expect your partner to make time to talk with you. See my previous post on expectations it’s good to have in relationships.)

“I’m having a hard time with what happened the other day, and I just wanted to run my thoughts by you and hear what you think.”

“I’ve been feeling awful ever since we had that argument at the movie theater. I felt miserable both during after, and I’m afraid my misery made me come across as rude. Now I’m worried that our relationship is damaged. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and hoping we can get back to the way things were.”

If you value the relationship, don’t hesitate to say so:

“Our relationship is important to me. I want to feel close to you again, and so I need to be honest about my experience with this.”


some decent actual scripts for you to say. hhehehe that last one sounded like the email1 i sent here. our relationship is very important to me, i want to be close again, please lets communicate. where i went wrong was that I wanted her to communcate back with me then (she didnt) and i should have just said right then (or wayyyyy earlier): “i really want to talk to you, I have started getting feelings for you and I am feeling very confused and anxious. lets talk about this and not avoid it any more. It is going to change our relationship and I want to do that as painlessly as possible.”

mr dreamy doctor dumps woman by email after 2 years of luv

good article too.


nything less than face-to-face sends a distressing message: “You don’t matter.”

“The pain of losing a meaningful relationship can be especially searing in the absence of direct social contact.” With no definitive closure, we’re left wondering what the heck happened, which can lead to the kind of endless rumination that often leads to depression.

“Situations where you have an incomplete picture of what’s going on are perfect ground for the development of rumination,” says Yale University psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. “It can send people into a tailspin.” Many dumpees emerge from the tailspin distrustful of others, making it difficult for them to establish closeness with future partners.

Dumpers themselves may come to re­gret surrogate sayonaras once they realize how badly their vanishing act hurt their former partners—and how little concern they showed. “Five years on, you don’t want to be ashamed of how you handled this,”

“You have an obligation to watch out for the other person’s self-esteem,” Virginia’s Portmann says. “Do not cut them down in such a way that it’s impossible for them to have another successful relationship. Why rub salt in their wounds? That’s torture.”

8. Communicate ongoing appreciation of the good times you shared.

12. Resist thinking you’ve lost your one true soul mate.




mar 18

shit. i wish there was some kind of test or game or training exercise where you could train your mind in stressful pressure situations, and build CONFIDENCE in them, by doing practice or simulations on the type of problems, and the type of situations, we did in my former job.

ive never been very confident and i struggled a lot there, but i overcame the struggles, and did quite well over 1 year. i should never forget this. but  after being out of the environment for a while, i can’t believe i ever did it.  My confidence is back down to the minimum again.

or young people who are scared to take hard math classes, they think it will be too hard. fact is, even dumb morons can do well in hard maths if they put in enough effort and practice. you gotta do the practice and studying.

i am fine with that! shit give me the shit to study right now! i just didn’t like being put in the “exam” situation right away, and that was the WHOLE damn job. even if you have an open book exam, you can still get answers wrong, because the questions are TRICKY as fook! and the book is unclear as fook. or, even better, the questions are “unfairly” asking about things that are NOT in the book. because there is not a pressing Business Need to have a Complete or Up to Date Book, because that would involve paying somebody to create Training Materials and not constantly be solving real problems/cases. some phaggot sitting at a desk listening to vivaldi, writing articles and making powerpoints, rather than constant answering the phone with new problems.

oh that would be the sum of earthly bliss hahahaha.

and many people just aren’t good at pressure situations, or complex shit. they choke or they just get it wrong, or they perform worse. its why not everyone is cut out for a Military Career. some people handle stress and pressure better. i am not one of them hahaahhaha. i get flustered as fook. actually when you take the pressure out of the situations, i could think a lot more clearly and the problems became easier. like if i were looking at the problems of the day while at home, a comfortable environment, no phones ringing, no people chattering, no rows of tiny cubicles, just listening to my chill out music like vivaldi and bach and chopin and catholic chanting and orthodox chanting and sometimes beethoven hahahaha. and i DIDNT have the person on hold waiting for me to figure out their problem, while my mind racing and i panicked WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I TELL THEM? I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS GOING ON! IM GETTING FLUSTERED!!! AND LEVEL 2 IS USELESS TO HELP ME!

poise. police, military, and emt’s TRAIN ENDLESSLY to respond to emergency situations. GOOD. THEY SHOULD! I’m glad their management TRAINS them a LOT! the more training for ANYONE, the better job they will do! and there were many times when I would get flustered or I would be off the clock helping new people who were getting flustered and I would get frustrated and say “PLEASE, TRAIN US. JUST TRAIN US MORE. how about a one hour training meeting a week. just give us more training.” give us some training exercises like military and police to help us develop Poise under Pressure. but that costs a LOT of MONEY.

do local police get any federal or state money? how much? or is it all local money from the city or county?

handling pressure is a skill, anyone can learn it

forbes dot com article with the same shit

another forbes, part two of above:

don’t overthink things. i would overthink very much. but this is tricky when THINKING is the only way you solve problems, problems REQUIRE A LOT OF THOUGHT to solve them! you dont want to UNDERTHINK them!!!!

the key is to not FREEZE and to not make serious mistakes. just keep moving and eliminating certain solutions. chip away.

ht     tp://

trs thread about doing higher maths. young man is nervous. he received great encouragement and advice from some successful pro-white engineers and analysts and people making good money in good careers. winners who can pull decent white women. not neet r9k losers hahaha.

you PAY To get TRAINED. how is this so hard for me to udnerstand. if you want TRAINING on how to do your JOB, you HAVE to PAY for it. you PAY for college, you PAY for Trade SChool, you PAY to get certifications, you PAY for education and training. if you job trains you at all, they SHOULD take money out of your paycheck.

if you want someone to TRAIN you, you SHOULD pay them with money or with lunch/dinner/drinks.

the sooner i get this through my thick skull the better. i never learned this in high school or college hahaha.

how to make a decision when you dont know what you need to know and you dont know how to locate the unknown unknowns, convert them to known unknowns, then finally convert those to known knowns, all quickly, when there are infinite possible unknown unknowns.  oh shit im getting freaked out already. so you start going down the wrong path, how do you know its the wrong path if the whole world is in darkness? like in a vidya game where you enter a new dungeon adn the whole map is BLACK and you can only build your map by going into every area.

they say thinking back to previous successes with women can give you confidence for approaching women, for going to your happy place when you need poise and confidence under pressure.

however don’t think of the most RECENT woman who broke your heart horribly. If I think back to when I was banging a qt young girl 11 years ago, enough time has passed that i can cut that image out of how she broke muh heart, and view the secs separately as something to give me confidence. unfortunately the most recent think I can think of like this, happened fookin 11 years ago.

mar 19

that article convinced me that ellipticals are not that accurate and can be influenced by MOMENTUM, ie, you body is not really doing that work, but the machine is, inflating your calorie numbers. the article said the treadmill was gernally more accurate.

so i went back to the treadmill. first i struggled to reach 500 calories and was pouring sweat, only got to 460. next time i just cranked the incline way up, ranging from 8.5 to 14 (hehehe) and getting about 560 calories, but was not pouring sweat. it generally seemed easier. so, the question is now, is the TREADMILL accurate at HIGH inclines?

eh. its probably more accurate the the elliptical. rando on internet sez ellip are “NOTORIOUS” and to subtract 30% to get your REAL number.

lets see. some things say i need 1600 cals a day, others say 1900.

uhhh thats kind of a big difference. that is equivalent to you going apeshit for like 35 minutes. Or eating a goddamn SANDWICH hahaha.

i was upset to think that her leaving me left a much huger VOID in my life, than the VOID I left in HER life, in fact, there probably WAS NO void. I just hate when someone is so important to ME, but I am not important to THEM AT ALL.

but I dont even know this! I would like to though.

i know i was important at one time. i wanted to know if i still was important but she just was avoiding a difficult situation.

you just dont be friends with somebody for years and then they are not important to you.

hehehe it was not the ending this relship needed or deserved hahaha.

10 signs that its time to end your rel.

OF COURSHE i like AJG. he is pro-white as fook and a great pro-white man. and a masculine, confident, charismatic, charming alpha man, who can pull a white wife and have a white baby, and hopefully more of them. i’ve had my eye on AJG for a while and he has passed his probationary period hahaha. but he is also into Self Help and Self Improvement. improving your life. life coaching. tony robbins, NLP stuff hahahaha.

how to have a good healthy relationship. yeah AJG is great, role model type of guy. I would donate him money if I were an employable nonneet hahaha.

great guy and i give him my full support. even if he is italian hahaha and had a rap project before he was Woke hahaha and maybe was a degen womanizer hahaha. I am jelly of all the pvssy he scored hahaha. but what he is doing now is GODS WORK.

hehehe all we HAD was unexpected shit.

dealing with nonassertive and passive aggressive people

building confidence

hahaha found my new favorite website hahahaha

i GUESS confidence and self esteem are technically different but IMHO they really are pretty much the same thing, and i prefer to use the word confidence because the word self esteem is phaggy af. alphas have confidence, omegas have self esteem hahaha. little coward pvssy phaggots. low testosterone virgin mgtows hahaha, scared of big bad mean gurls, gay boys club.

If you feel you HAVE to take MJ because of your stressful job or life to relieve stress, don’t just smoke it and watch tv, take it and then IDEALLY go to the GYM and GOMAD!! INSANITY!!! or study your workshit, and also communicate with the people you need to communicate with, and try not to do it more than once every 3 days.

she wasn’t important in my life because i was in luv with her, she was important to me BEFORE that, THEN i fell in luv with her. there was a time when we were MUTUALLY important to each other. SHARED experience of importance. its when you care about a person, want the best for a person, have compassion and kindness, worry about them, care for them, care what happens to them. we had all that mutually before i fell in luv. and then she did not lift a finger to show she cared what happened to me. its ruff! just care about my feelings just a little bit! dont write me off as a psycho! well i dont even know if she thinks im a psycho. what did she tell the people we know mutually?

did she tell them i was a psycho? did she downplay everything? just say we had a falling out and now don’t talk any more? that he got feelings and i wasnt interested and that was the end? what about me going crazy and quitting job hahaha. what does she think about THAT?

don’t you CARE what HAPPENS to me???!?!! i cared what happened to you, and that isnt just because i luved you! its because we had a pre existing friendship! I ALREADY cared about you! couldnt you care about me just a little? maybe you still did. but couldnt you SHOW it??!?!?!?!

heres a solution, train your damn employees better like you did in the past. dont cut training because you need people doing low quality work as soon as possible.

heh. i bet That Woman might have viewed her prev BF as a “PROJECT.” he was rough around the edges but a good person at heart, and she was gonna bring out the best in him.

well, he WAS rough around the edges, and he WAS a good person at heart, but ultimately she coudlnt fix him and he chose to leave.

I am in much more need of being FIXED! and, i would have responded well to her fixing! she could have ACTUALLY FIXED me, in other words!!!!!!! FIX ME! PLEASE!! I NEED FIXING TOO!!!!!!

but instead she did the worse thing you could do to a poor soul who needs fixing, ie, destroy and break him EVEN MORE!!!!!

you like fixing guys that need fixing! fix me! fix me! i actually have potential! i will luv you back! i will give you the luv you wanted from your x bf but couldnt get because he just wasnt that into you! be with me! im into you!

anyway. let the past be the past hahahah. no need to keep harping on this. but yeah this idea of women liking fixers. well, i think they like MASCULINE fixers, like real tough guy rebels with a heart of stone. they dont like wimpy emo soft fixers who just want a nice gf to cuddle with monogamously for years. oh but thats weird. NO, its NATURAL AF.

mar 20

weird dream. NO, not with HER. I was back in college town, 20 years old again, surrounded by other 20 year olds. i figure you will always flash back to this time in your life, as it was your “peak.” you were young and there were tons of potential mates for you. that you were too inept too pull hahaha.

anyway this dream was different because I was playing with BABIES. essentially watching other peoples babies. white babies of course. I dont really have multicultural DREAMS. do you? do you dream of many other races or is it mainly just your own?

anyway  i was watching over the babies and in some cases actually holding the babies. I figured this represented my own paternal patriarchal desire to Reproduce and Father Heirs. very NATURAL.

then i was sitting next to a young woman. NOT HER. if anything she looked like this woman I knew 10 years ago and never had any feelings for, but she was fairly qt.  she was sitting next to me, then i did something like put my arm AND leg around her and she snuggled right up with her backside pressing against muh D. that was very exciting. i am glad it wasnt THAT WOMAN in the dream because I wanted to cuddle with her every possible WAY but never did.

one minute i was holding babies and felt paternal and protectorish.

the next minute i was holding a qt young woman and felt paternal and protectorish BUT ALSO there was an added element of yeah i would give it to her GOOD.

thats not the SOLE element. its wrapped up in more savory, respectable elements. and should not be separated.

when you try to make sex casual, sex makes YOU a casual. nature punishes you for your Crime Against Nature, by making you an Unnatural Outcast who cannot pairbond with lovers the way nature intended. 

yep. cant say it any more plainly.

wow the goys at TRS are so smart and sensible. I really  am not high IQ enough with my 100 IQ to participate here:

QUOTE (“white knight” comes to defend women against an admitted woman-hater in a post pictures of beautiful white women thread)

broseph please examine our past and then model the future off of that. I can’t help but think you’ve been rekt by some people and you slammed the traditionalism pedal to the medal and passed our roots and went back to kebab stage shit.

We’re a rather egalitarian people already. Our men have the ability to control themselves and our women respond surprisingly well to an authoritative voice coming from a non-betafag. There’s no need to slam the social systems all the way back to “You are woman. I control you. Now do nothing without permission because child and dirty whore. And if you don’t do exactly as I say, I beat you.”

Just as a father trusts his child, you must trust your woman. Women are definitely ticking timebombs of hypergamy, but we are adapted to control our women by shame and guilt tripping. Not by forcing them to cover up kebab style and monitoring them constantly. The possibility of the shame should be enough for them to not act on the hypergamy. The virtue of us having high intelligence is that we understand consequences and if we simply place consequences in society that far outweigh the risk of hypergamy, then it’ll solve itself.

A child is not supposed to fear physical punishment from a parent. A child is supposed to fear a bruising of the ego. Spankings aren’t supposed to physically destroy a kid. They bruise the ego. “oh noes daddy is dissapointed and now I’m being knocked down a rung on the social scale” They feel this as a base emotion. We all do when our ego is bruised. Same with the “I’m not mad. I’m just dissapointed” thing. We have big egos, so that stuff works on us well. Personally, that’s what I think causes our excessive moral signalling. We try to raise our egos up a rung, therefore we do shit to seem superior to others.

All the shit that works on kids? Works on women. Except instead of spanking we use slut shaming and socially ostracizing them. Same shit different person. Just tailor your ego bruising to a different age group.

We’re not kebab. Please don’t larp as one. It’s rather dysgenic what they do.


i would say bang sluts if you get a chance. just never, ever ever ever ever ever get feelings for them or date them or commit to them. yes banging sluts is kinda degen, but its way less degen for men than it is for women, plus it makes men more confident in dealing with all women, and better chance of pulling a Nonslut.

Also banging a slut is WAY better than jerking off to porn. porn is jooish poison that destroys mens confidence and makes them foreveralone virgins. banging sluts INCREASES mens confidence.

porn horrible, sluts ok. porn never, sluts sometimes.

dating: sluts never, nonsluts maybe.

of course if you arent comfortable with banging sluts, you’ll never be able to pull a decent woman. so maybe you should just try to pull crazy sluts off ok cupid or tinder or whatever.

heres a question. say you found some cowlike single mother to be fully committed to you…..but you don’t really LOVE her the way you LOVED women in the past who broke your heart. You don’t really want to be committed to HER.

but you’ve never really HAD a woman’s commitment and love for you like this before, someone that would be WILLING to have your children. this might be your last, only, and best chance to have a child.

should you do it? should you create new life with this woman? and be bound to her for life?

cuz we can all agree that having a child and abandoning the child is BAD BAD BAD.

but should you have a child with a woman you don’t love, just for the sake of having a child already, because you’re 40 and havent had a child yet?

or should you wait until you’re 70 and gamble on the chance of finding a better woman?

good thought excercise hhshshahahaha.

I just posted the following long response to a guy on depression forums, “30 and hopelessly alone”, my favorite topic and i finally responded after like 6 months ahahahaha


Hi user, thanks for the updates. Please keep us updated every so often as any notable feelings, thoughts, or events happen. My situation is similar to yours and I can relate to the loneliness and lack of confidence. I recently had a female friend which was the closest relationship I’d had with a woman in years. After a while, I developed strong feelings for her, and wanted to take the relationship to the next level. Unfortunately, she was very uncomfortable with my feelings, and not willing to communicate with me whatsoever, and stopped talking to me abruptly. I felt abandoned because of this harsh silent treatment. This wasn’t some random person from Tinder, this was an actual friend of several years, and it hurts when somebody like that walks out on you without a word. I was absolutely, completely devastated. I felt like she threw me away like a piece of garbage. I resigned from my job because we unfortunately worked together and saw each other every day and I could not handle it. For a while I struggled with blaming myself, “it’s all my fault, I pushed her into doing this,” but now I can see that she is responsible for her own immaturity and inconsiderateness and overreaction. It’s understandable that she wants to end the relationship, but there was no reason to end it in such a bad, hurtful way.

I am still trying to rebuild my life. I have similar problems with career. Getting a gainful, proper, “adult” job has been something I’ve majorly struggled with ever since finishing college 10 years ago (not useful degree!). And also relationships with women too, have not had an actual relationship in just as long, with the closest thing being a good friendship with a woman that ended as horribly as it possibly could (see above!) Of course I took notice of the “Game/Pick Up Artist”, then MRA, then MGTOW communities over the years, being as they are communities of men that talk about their experiences with women. Like you, I think MGTOW is misguided, and that avoiding and shunning women is no way to live, and is just a way of giving up. For me, the ideal is a long-term, monogamous relationship which eventually results in children – a traditional nuclear family. (I accept this may not be everyone’s ideal!)

Anyway I just wanted to encourage you to keep posting every so often because your situation really resonated with me and I have been following this thread since it began. It’s hard to “focus on yourself” when, in a way, you’ve already been doing that for years, and haven’t made great progress. It’s hard to be rejected over and over again when you express interest in women. I too dislike the “maybes” and “let me think about it, I’ll get back to you”. Because when I get my hopes up with women, I can’t read the obvious signals that she’s not interested, but she’s also too scared to say “NO.” For me, a blatant NO would be much, much better. Because I’m like the guy in “Dumb and Dumber” who says “So you’re saying there’s a chance!” when there’s really a less than .0000001% chance!!

Also I worry that going so long without female attention or love can change a man and make him “weird”, it’s definitely happened to me. I was glad just to be able to still make a good female friend…..but then that blew up in the worst possible way, crushing all my confidence.

Confidence is one of the most important things a man can have IMHO, is the main thing which attracts women to men, and is the precise thing which is attacked by depression and anxiety, which is why so many of us have problems with women! It’s a huge catch-22 that what can increase confidence so effectively, is the satisfaction of being valued by a woman. It’s like the old adage, can’t get a job without experience, can’t get experience without a job.

Not sure if you have taken any meds, but they have helped me a little. There are a number of SSRI’s that are available at big national pharmacies for a very reasonable price, no insurance needed. Same with popular anxiety benzos like Valium or Xanax. I realized I have huge anxiety which might be a root cause of my depression. I don’t want to take benzos regularly, because you can build a tolerance/habit, but I do like knowing that I have something to take in extreme situations.

It can be helpful just to have platonic female friends, so you know that all women don’t consider you some kind of weird untouchable creepy alien…..but this can backfire horrendously if you happen to get deeper feelings for such a friend, hahaha. Also it’s not super easy to make that kind of a friend in the first place. With me it happened very serendipitously, not something that happens often.

It’s good that you are not too anxious to try going to interest group meetups, or meeting women from online dating. However I fully believe those come with their own unique problem sets, as you have described!

One last thing on the exercise/gym idea. For my whole life I was always too anxious to go to the gym and work out. But following my recent devastating experience, I was able to make a positive change in this department. I am still too anxious to do heavy weightlifting, because that area is filled with much younger men lifting ridiculously heavy weights. But I have become comfortable using the cardio machines, and it has helped me to stay physically active as much as possible during this tough time. Now, I’ve heard that Heavy Lifting increases testosterone, which in turn increases confidence, and many people have anecdotes about heavy lifting being the golden panacea for all their problems. I have just started out lifting embarrassingly nonheavy dumbbells at home until one day I can hopefully not embarrass myself at the gym. But it’s great to just go there and use the treadmill and not be nervous about it. I could never do that until I was over 30 years old, hahaha.

It’s completely natural and good to desire female companionship. I have struggled with being “too needy” and thereby pushing women away, but I think it’s natural to be a LITTLE bit “NEEDY.” Such a ridiculous word. It’s natural for men and women to NEED each other to some extent. Of course it’s no good to be “codependent”, but it’s also hurtful to be completely alone, as you and I both well know! So I don’t like being accused of being “NEEDY” just for wanting something perfectly natural which so many normal people have.

And I know what you mean about the cuddling. It really is a big deal to have that kind of “loving touch”, and to not experience it for years and years. It’s a kind of warmth and comfort you just can’t get from other men, haha. I too have thought about the idea of a “cuddle buddy.” NOT talking about sex, because I believe sex is a very important, serious thing that should never be approached casually or recreationally, as it so often is in the current year. But I also wonder if one would start to get feelings for someone they cuddled with regularly. Regarding the oxytocin chemical, which promotes feelings of love and pair-bonding, when men and women spend time together.

Anyway keep us posted on everything, I can really relate to your experiences and emotions, and I know others here can as well.


not a terrible response if I do say so myself. now i dont want to get this guy wound up, cuz he is an even bigger sad sack and excuse maker than ME!!!!! and possibly autist.  he is another college grad in a below-entry-level job, and is very insecure that his low job status makes him unattractive to women, which it certainly does hahahaha i know that pain. us low level losers dont deserve a good woman. a white trash single mom mudshark at best hahahaha.

shit whats worse. a single mom or a mudshark? i really dislike them both!!!!!

yeehaw. applied for the damn 10 DAH 30 hour a week job I lied and said I already applied to but didnt. damn for a proud white man i act a lot like a lip smacking ni99er. AYO HOL UP.

Before i submitted the Copious Info App, I copypasted it to a text file. also, it only needed employer address and phone number for the most recent job. It asked for 15 years of job history but didn’t have enough spaces, AND it didn’t let you ADD entries. fooking failures. they dont deserve THEIR 15 DAHJ’s. maybe some shitty street shitter contractor hahahaha.

that feel when you see young trannies and trapbois, and you think wow i haven’t even been with a WOMAN that attractive, hahahaha. or, i might almost rather bang this THING than some fat ugly old woman hahaha.

well thats false, I have been with attractive young women that were better looking than LADYBOIZ……but that was 10 years ago. I certainly havent recently!

wtf am i really SAYING here?!?!?!?!

hehehe it would be great to get a 10 dahj, 30 hours a week, no benefits. this is what a man should be doing at age 30+ who wants to one day get a wife and have children, but hasnt even found a wife yet, and hasn’t even established a career yet hahahaha. you need to be at the second or third level of your career by now. at my prev job there were guys way younger than me on Level 3. these are the type of guys who will Outcompete me for Marriageable women, like That Bitch. Damn Son. I wonder how easily she gives it up to successful young guys like that. and here i am wondering if I should go with a single mom, a mudshark, a fat oldie, or a LADYBOI TRAP TRANNY. GOD DAMN hahahahaha.


mar 14

good posts on exaholics, topic something you feel ashamed about and why:


That I still have feelings for someone who didn’t love me or want to be with me when I didn’t know even know it until I confronted him.

That I have to fight the urge to contact her when I know she doesn’t even have the slightest interest in speaking with me

How weak i appeared to my ex.

How long it has taken me to get over him


I can’t recommend the site any more since they made it a pay site and you have to pay TEN DOLLARS A MONTH. are you fooking KIDDING me. that is OBSCENE. pay TEN DOLLARS A MONTH for an internet forum. plus the forum layout is shitty. but there are some good people there. and you shouldnt have to PAY to talk to them. maybe ONE dollar a month. and they were getting donations!!!! but apparently the donations weren’t enough, that they’ve been FORCED to make it $10 a month for everyone. well, every new member. all us old members are Grandfathered in and dont have to pay anything. still its not fair and they are gonna kill their membership. and or the few people crazy enough to pay that will be posting 10000000 posts a day, which might be good for the site????!?!?!

the second they make ME pay I am gone. there are other Luv Forums.

I wonder: if you have a “GOOD” breakup, will you be as heartbroken? going on exaholics and taking 2 years to get over the person? well you WILL still be heartbroken. but it might only take 1 year.

now by GOOD i dont mean a Mutual Breakup where you and her agree that breaking up is for the best. Nope. you’re still getting DUMPED. but she is making an effort to be nice and gentle to you, because she knows this is gonna hurt you, and she doesnt want to hurt you too bad.

she CARES about your FEELINGS at least a little bit.

anyway i am getting over that BITCH. that mudshark WHORE. i DODGED A BULLET there. I deserve WAY better than that white trash mudshark whore. hehehehe. she wasn’t even a whore yet…….but she will become one hahahaha.

They say don’t be ashamed of your mistakes. don’t feel bad. because making mistakes is the best way to learn!!

I would agree…but what if when you make constant mistakes on the job because there is so much to know, and so little guidance, and so much pressure……and other people DO judge you on the mistakes? both your customers who say dont you know what you’re doing, and your superiors who roll their eyes that you need too much hand holding!

oh no sir, i dont really know what i’m doing, im new, so I’ve got to make tons of mistakes on YOUR issue in order to learn. thank you for this learning opportunity! in the meantime I will severely botch your case and it will take twice as long to get solved. So sorry. so so sorry.

Or when a case needs to be escalated to Tier 3 to get resolved, tier 3 does something mysterious, does not write it in the notes, you’re not sure they understood the issue, you’re not sure if they verified that the shit was fixed, becuase they never talked to the customer, and then they kick it back to a lower tier to call the customer back.

essentially the people who actually fix and understand shit talk to customers the least, and the people who are left with the shitty task of EXPLAINING are the ones who don’t really understand!

well did this really happen though? wouldnt the tier 3 want to CLOSE the case to increase his case closing numbers? absolutely. unless that doesnt matter for them. now, i would think their managers would want them to contact the customer right before closing the case. it SEEMS like a best praactice. but no one ever agreed on what best practice was. maybe its just a money wasting time waster.

what definitely did happen a lot was the tier 3 / tier 2 would send the customer a brief EMAIL which essentially explained NOTHING, and THEN close the case. THEN the customer would call back because they undersatndably couldnt understand the email, the issue wasnt really fixed, and we would say oh it looks like they emailed you this obtuse crap and closed the case. “they CLOSED THE CASE? they didnt FIX anything!” yep Im sorry for their incompetence. Now let me try to fix it for an hour becuase I know less than they do. After an hour of flailing helplessly I will have grounds to escalate it again to someone who will hopefully actually call you this time. I’ll write in all caps in the notes with many asterisks next to it, ****************** PLEASE CALL THE CALLER BACK BEFORE CLOSING THE CASE. CALLER WANTS A CALL, NOT AN EMAIL. PLEASE VERIFY WITH CALLER VIA PHONE CONVERSATION THAT THE ISSUE IS RESOLVED AND EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD TO THEM. CALLER HAS BEEN CALLING BACK AND REOPENING CASE WITH PERSISTENT ISSUE***********************

and they can’t miss that. of course they don’t HAVE to call you, because we can’t hold them accountable for anything. only the low levels are accountable for anything, and they know the least, and understand the least. hahahahahahah you think you can get an EXPLANATAION from level 1? we don’t understand anything! we are literally running around like headless chickens!

it’s like having a LIFEGUARD to save drowning people, and the lifeguard is awkwardly doggy paddling because he had to teach himself to swim the day he was hired!!!!! thats what you want to see when you’re drowning!

you go in for an operation and you get dr nick riviera and he is hung over and shaking.

that feel when making old school simpsons references shows you to be OLD, and kids under 30 wont know what youre talking about.

so you just throw level 2 and above under the bus. say, yeah they really should be more accountable. but they have special advanced skills and knowledge and tools that we just dont have access to. and i will probably get in trouble if i give you the contact info for their manager. of course everybody hates us! thats why we dont want to talk to anyone! you dont have to like it! it sucks, that’s the way it is! IT IS WHAT IT IS! It comes from the VERY top. we literally need a CEO who will approve more millions of dollars going to Technology. ni99a please, hahahaha.  Call the CEO, hahahahaha.  muh sides. train people better. thousands of dollars in training. take the idiots off the phones and train them until they’re no longer idiots. make the higher levels more accountable. set an example. if they dont pass the buck, we wont pass the buck. let us get help easier. dont make us pull teeth from level 2. make level 2 help level 1 more, not treat them with disrespect. there are level 1s who are much older and wiser than you. you only got this level 2 job because you were in the right place at the right time, phaggot. you don’t deserve it. we do.

which is not to say all level 2s were like this! most were actually good! but the way our jobs were set up, we were each put into boxes which were naturally antagonisitic to each other. we were both handcuffed. they didnt want to escalate cases because they already HAD too many cases because there werent enough level 2s because there werent enough people who KNEW the shit that well. and the level 1’s who knew the shit left for better job because they werent getting promoted quickly enough! And I had persevered and withstood and I was becoming one of those more knowledgeable level 1’s. I would help newbies and tell them what to do. Don’t get flustered, just do this. Level 2 cuts corners, we’ll cut corners too. we can alawys blame it on them. they want to blame stuff on us, we’ll blame stuff on them, and no one can really prove anything, cuz no one has the time to actually listen to the phone calls unless that order comes from above, which it wont.

or how do you convince somebody that something isnt really as serious  as they think it is? When you dont really understant why yourself? but you know this case is not going to be VIEWED as serious by level 2 and above, even though the caller thinks its pretty serious??!?!?!

well you go home and study study study. write a flashcard “this issue is not super serious because…..”

i mean these are NOT simple straightforward questions, like what’s the capital of liechtenstein.

why is this weird multifaceted problem not as serious as they THINK it is. are THEY wrong? are WE wrong? what are the costs and benefits really?  is it a serious problem, BUT it’s just COST PROHIBITIVE to fix it? how can we report this for someone who has been here a few years and makes at least 40 grand a year to keep an eye on it? is there anyone here who really cares about long term solutions, being accountable, and not passing the buck or blaming someone else????!?!?!?!?!

these are all valid questions that level 1 has no idea how to answer.

thank you for reporting this bug. it may be fixed in a week, a month, a year, or never. we won’t follow up with you on this. when you call back we’ll just tell you the same thing. i guess its not as serious as you think. its cost prohibitive to fix quickly. just tell your customer to go to our competition. sorry. what you do tell THEM? i dunno. tell them whatever you want. imagine a boogeyman to throw under the bus. blame it on the CEO for not budgeting enough money for Technology. yeah. tell them they can call the CEO if they want, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

angry caller insists on staying on the line until he is connected to the president / ceo of the company . wav

this is an actual youtube video.

not even funny, just crinegworthy. I would have said uhhh please hold while i get ahold of him, then would have hung up on the caller, possibly by physically disconnecting the phone cord. don’t know if that would be detected as a Hang Up.

or the alternative, get another level 1 to pretend they are a manager or level 2 or the CEO. we didn’t do that around our parts simply because no one had time. everyone was always on calls all the time.

now there are some companies where the CEO HAS personally taken calls, gone head to head with the angry client, and said, if you can get better service for a better price elsewhere, FOOK OFF and run back to them, we don’t need your business, we don’t want your chump change, we’re losing money on you and don’t want you. you are BANNED. see ya, hit the bricks moron. knowing FULL WELL they WEREN’T going to get a better price elsewhere.

but as a level 1 i don’t feel confident enough to tell people that, plus my ballz are not that big. you need a ton of confidence to pull that off.

i mean how do you make people work harder and faster when they are already overloaded?

you force them to cut corners to get their NUMBERS UP. increase quantity at the expense of quality, and try to cut corners and hide shit so your quality numbers don’t suffer too much either. find jooish little loopholes. really think like a joo. and these loopholes are NOT obvious to the newbie. it takes some strong mental gymnastics to find them yourself. because no ones gonna TELL you about them. no one’s gonna TELL YOU about ANYTHING. you train YOURSELF. you TEACH YOURSELF EVERYTHING.

so yeah. everybody becomes like feral children. thrown to the wolves, raised by wolves. they learn to survive if they don’t die, but boy are they rough around the edges.

do we get any confirmation of anything?

probably not. I dont know, but probably not.

that doesnt make sense. you should get confirmation that this transaction went through. my client is paying $400 for this.

I understand what you mean. it’s just and unknown unknown if you can show them confirmation of the transaction. why dont you speak to your manager.

i am the manager.

ok, why dont you speak to your regional manager.

he always says to call you. why can’t anyone give me a straight answer?

because frankly, no one really KNOWS.

well can you transfer me to someone who DOES know?

that I KNOW I cannot do. I definitely cannot transfer you to ANYBODY.  I can put you on hold to try to get your answer, but it wont be quick. it might even be quicker for you to call us back and hope you get a level 1 that is smarter and better than me, i so sorry for being an inferior moron who doesnt know how to do their job, but that really is part of the company culture. that is the majority of people here.

so do you see why you might start bullshitting people and making shit up just so you dont have to go through this struggle?

nope there’s no confirmation. Sorry, that does suck. and it doesn’t make any sense. They’re thinking of putting a confirmation in there, but no ETA on that. It could be 6 months. I agree with you, i wish they would fast track it. I’ll pass this case along to them as evidence this is becoming a problem they can’t ignore any longer. it’s always pulling teeth with these bastards. they don’t care about us and they damn sure don’t care about you.

hehehe. lower level employees talking to other low level employees they are tasked to help, and throwing high level employees under the bus when you CANT help them.

shitlord / pol version of cards against humanity, which is a game where degen sluts and fags show how clever they are by making fun of cis white nondegen men. where evil mocks good!!!!

fooking mudshark whore. let her throw her life away. she’ll never find a better man than me!!!!!!! and I will find a way better woman than her, who proves her to be the worthless piece of shit she is!!!!!!!!

hehehe. no i dont REALLY feel that much hate. im trying something new now. I really am getting over it a little. but just trying to be ultra hateful when i do mention her.

did i link this one yet hahahaha probably. this site is full of very interesting, yet very discouraging information and stories and advice. might as well blow muh brains out now and save muhself some time.wav

march 15

had a ridic dream last night with THE WOMAN in it. much worse than the last one, because it looked like her, she was being nice to me, she was being REALLY nice to me, and essentially was agreeing to BE with me. she snuggled right up to me and i think we were making out and possibly more, as I touched her soft skin and her long beautiful hair. and she showed me true luv. wow thats intense. a girl staring you in the eyes, she is clearly being vulnerable FOR U, opening her heart to you, putting herself out there to possibly be hurt by you, but you’d never want to hurt her, cuz you are in luv with her! you have found your ((((soulmate)))) hahahah.

so yeah i didn’t need this dream, that was rough.

what made it a little better was that she was essentially “switched out” with another woman I was in luv with many years before. over 10 years before. woman1. woman2003. and i didnt really notice much difference.

the point is, you can fall deeply in luv with several people in your life, and i felt as deeply for woman2003 as i did for woman2015.

but isnt this like The Carousel for women? doesnt falling in luv too many times eventually wear out your Oxytocin System, then you can never really fall in luv again?

Well its MUCH different falling in LUV, each one taking a few YEARS, vs taking cok after coq after cok after cok in a very short timespan!

two very diff things. apples and not even oranges. apples and fooking cok carousels.

but yeah that dream was bad. cuz she was right in my face. it was like face to face make out cuddling and her whole body was pressed up to me. many guys get to experience that with very little investment. i never did hahahahaha.

not that i was entitled to it! i just think its STUPID these bitches give their bodies up so easily, for such a low price, yet they can’t even have a TALK with their friend of almost 3 years, who was once one of their closest friends. im not saying i was entitled to her body. but she STILL shouldnt give up her body so easily! and she STILL should have TALKED to me!

well no one says life is fair.

maybe the dream was telling me i’ve been in luv before her and i will be in luv after her, with someone different.

but yeah its a powerful feeling when someone you luv is smashed up against you like that. that is what i wanted her to be. and she never will be. yeah the dream sucks cuz it reminds me the luv was real, and how much i want/ed her. brings it all right back. fooking bitch.

I am losing weight more slowly because I think I am gaining muscle which weighs more than fat hahaha. but the key thing to remember is that gaining muscle is NEVER a bad thing, even if you are not dropping the pounds as fast as you thought you would.

plurality: a large number of people or things.;  the number of votes cast for a candidate who receives more than any other but does not receive an absolute majority.

mar 16

sheeeeeit. i am entitled to muh feelings ok. as friends we were close and arguably intimate in a way. this is probably just the way some women are. you talk about emotions and sheeeit and good lord am I a feminine man in that way. you feel a different kind of closeness with your female friends than you do with your man friends. it may wake up your desire for closeness with a female. nothing WRONG with that. men and women are MEANT to get together.

it was hurtful that she could be so OFFENDED and DISGUSTED that I could get feelings for her. she was never disgusted by me before!

well, i have no proof she was disgusted or offended. im reading too much into it again. i have very little information on how she felt, on the emotions behind not wanting to see me or talk to me. just assumptions. again the best explanation is: she just didnt want to deal with a very uncomfortable situation. heck thats a lot easier for ME to understand.

humans are INCENTIVE based creatures. she had no incentive to talk to me, other than long term karma. the short term discomfort was a yuuuge disincentive. and she was more of a short term thinker.

why are women such short term thinkers when they face such long term consequences from sex? pregnancy and basically raising the child? plus its way easier for a father to walk out on a child than a mother.

who knows WHY. no one knows WHY. they just ARE and they need shitloads of guidance from men. i slipped in my frame and she was no longer willing to receive guidance from me, when i needed help from her.

are women EVER willing to help men during a MANS time of need and weakness?

usually not. if they are, though, thats a great sign of real luv and commitment from them to you. good wife material there. if she sticks with you through YOUR hard times, theres a good woman 4 you.


as an OLD very low mate value man, I HAVE to accept a woman with SOME baggage or red flags. however, most of the most common red flags turn me off entirely, are dealbreakers: been with too many guys; too many black guys; single mom with bastard kid(s); fat; ugly; old; blatantly crazy, bipolar, borderline; annoying, obnoxious personality; high strung and bitchy and dramatic; super flaky and flighty and unreliable.

it’s hard to find a woman with the RIGHT KIND of Issues and Baggage. And I found one. She had baggage from an Absent Father and a Rough Childhood, but that was about IT. she didn’t react to that by becoming a horrible slut. she was chill and nice. she didnt dress like a slut. she was 25 or under. no kids. very low number of lovers. not blatantly crazy, but laid back and undramatic. she was physically good looking, a solid 7/10, if not an 8,9, or 10 when i had my Waifu Goggles on!!! not overweight at all, long legs, nice hair, nice skin, nice face and eyes, although early on I thought her face might have been vaguely, inexplicably weird. But I grew to love her face hahaha.   her mother took good care of her despite absence of real father. ie mother was not a neglectful druggie whore, but a fairly decent mother.

and fact is, i need a woman with Baggage because I have baggage too! I need someone who kinda matches my baggage, and that is hard to do, cuz my baggage is weird and unique. essentially having a good heart and good morals, but i was/am weak, lazy, unmotivated, underachieving.

i liked that she was smart enough to do some college, like half a degree, but was not a super ambitious careerist career woman. became disenchanted with college and just wanted to Work. she was not rocketing towards a graduate degree in a high powered field like the previous woman, who, by comparison, was really Too Good for me. way out of my league. I need someone with a bit of a Dark Past like me. problem is, with women, that USUALLY involves lots o cox. drugs, raep, absolutely batshit crazy. i mean like borderline or bipolar or hysterical or just super neurotic. That Woman didnt have any of that. a couple of other women in my past have. at least 2. but yeah i wanna steer clear of that.

yes im crazy too, i might even have bipolar, but i dont HURT people with it. i would not hurt muh lover with it. I would keep it all to myself hahahahaha.

besides people don’t really get close enough to me for me to hurt them anyway. i rarely get close enough to people for them to hurt me……….but when i do, i get REALLY REALLy hurt!!!!

yeah she was just low on courage and high on avoiding and was more incentivized to do nothing, where doing something was pretty disincentivized. for her. its really not surprising at all. i just hate it when my life is ruined and muh heart broken. i hate losing a very important person in my life. actual death would have been easier, because no one CHOOSES to remove themselves from your life by DYING.


so making mistakes is the best way to learn, but mistakes are frowned on by customers, management, and the colleagues / “team members” you INCONVENIENCE with your asking for help. this is exactly why people are afraid to make mistakes. but just make them anyway, take your daily valium as you are Scolded for your mistakes, better to be scolded for mistakes than scolded for being meek and needing hand holding and checking up. a strong confident man just barrels through, damn the consequences (on the job, daily operations that is.)

i’m not afraid to make decisions without having adequate information hahahaha! cuz i know action needs to be taken QUICKLY!!!! who cares if you don’t have all the information! you’ll never know if you are missing unknown unknowns anyway, unless someone scolds you later!

flashcards are very effective for quickly memorizing things you dont understand yet. just make 100 flashcards as quickly as possible and memorize them. even if you dont understand shit yet, it will make people think you know more than you do. constantly make flashcards and memorize them. prepare to memorize at least 500-1000 flashcards.

then go home and cover an entire wall with paper or a wall sized whiteboard. draw a concept map with thousands of lines linking everything and drawing pictures and diagrams to help you understand how things are connected. if you have a complicated 15DAHJ you will need the whole wall for all the complicated confusing shit you need to know.  welcome to the big boy world. nobody told me how to do all this hahahaha.

that dumb bitch didnt do any of this and she still works there! everybody loves her because she is a cute young gurl and she will prob get a promotion!!!! and she is way dumber than me! but she doesnt let the stress get to her. she just listens to music all day while livechatting with the customers. i was so jealous of the chatters privilege of being able to listen to music, because we phones people had to actually TALK to people on the phone. later when i finally got a non phones, non customer project, i couldnt bring myself to listen to music like everyone else because i was too neurotic and on edge and afraid i’d miss something or screw something up plus i was going crazy wth her there. my mind was not in a good place whatsoever to do any job hahaha. well, any super complicated confusing job.

i had never had a job before that was even CLOSE to this level of CONFUSING and COMPLICATED. EVERYTHING was RIDICULOUSLY, LAUGHABLY complicated. like constanza i serious hope you don’t think any of us is supposed to understand this obviously incomprehensible spaghetti clusterfook bullshit! are you just playing games with us, making this more confusing than fooking mortgage agreements and health insurance policies hahahaha

You just pretend you understand even though you know you don’t. fake it till you never make it. bullshit all the time. with constantly new stream of new shit to learn how to bullshit because you cant really learn learn it.

am i angry at her because my expectations of her were too high? she’s a WOMAN!!!! you think she is gonna be REASONABLE?? more accurately, you think she is gonna be NICE, when i am being a omega weak pussy? women HATE this more than a Cheater!!! They hate weakness more than they hate actual abuse!!!

Weakness is NOT abuse, but women hate it WORSE than actual abuse.


I’m just observing something interested and kinda sad. a hard red pill for a weak man to swallow.

a person tries to do a thing over and over and fails, then calls YOU for help. you have NO IDEA what they’re talking about, youve never HEARD of the thing before, yet YOU have to show them the right way to do it, by looking at it, and figuring it out within 20 minutes. many times the person missed a small but very very important detail that you had to notice the first damn time. you had to be so much sharper than your callers. they tried and tried and tried and gave up and called you. you don’t know the shit EITHER. you just have to be so SHARP when doing it the first time, that you also get it RIGHT the first time.

its like you go to a piano teacher and they are a worse player than you. they are obviously learning with you as they are trying to “teach” you. they look at the book and say uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i THINK this is right…..right? and THEY are the fooking TEACHER.

sounds awful right? and that was the role i was put in. well its like they say, those who cant DO, TEACH.

so how do the people that DO know how to DO, learn how to DO it?

SIMPLE, THEY FIGURE IT OUT THEMSELVES hahahaha. and then make the big bucks hahaha.

well i figured a ton of weird shit out, didnt fully understand it, but understanding is a luxury tier 1 could not afford. you just barrell through the calls and pretend to understand. try to fix shit within 20 minutes or else start arguing with level 2 why they need to escalate the case, because long calls hurt your numbers, but they dont care about that, they just want fewer cases going to level 2, because they have their own numbers that are suffering. like takes too long to close a case because there are too many cases and not enough level 2 people.

and you only get to level 2 by suffering through 3 years of level 1. just to learn ALLLLLLLLL the crazy confusing complicated chaotic SHIT.

but you dont need to have certs or degrees to do it. you just need to be SHARP and NOT GET FLUSTERED.

I was pretty damn SHARP, but i got FLUSTERED way too easy.

i gradually became a little less flusterable but the risk was always there, with the constant stream of new stuff.

and level 2 was starting to see how sharp I was!

and then it all went to hell.

I was way way way sharper than she will EVER be, but she was less flusterable than I will ever be. ultimately that was really what mattered more.

i am more flusterable than a damn WOMAN. thats great.

well its just cuz she smoked ni99er w33d all the time hahahaha.

yeah well so did i, to chill out, and it sorta worked. but it chilled her out more. she was the type to never get nervous and anxious or paranoid when smoking w33d.  fookin normie hahaha

ok oxytocin can get burnt out for women when they ride the carousel. oxytocin can probably get burnt out for MEN if they bang too many women.

well what if you’re not really a Promiscuous Man, but you have a solid heartbreak every couple years or so? how many times can you get your heart broke, before you permanently start losing your ability to love as deeply, or pair-bond as strongly????

march 17

how to not get flustered

how to ask for help without being a nuisance

how to figure stuff out on your own without asking for help when you are not sure where to look and you have no confirmation that you did the thing correctly

how to make decisions quickly, under pressure, when you dont have enough information

how to never make mistakes

how to sound confident at all times and bullshit your clients

how to pull a gotcha on your clients and say welp this is clearly in the contract, goy!

how to tell someone bad news when you dont have an explanation and higher levels refuse to talk to them

how to train yourself to do something when you dont even know where to begin. just use google.

how to convince your new coworkers to train you in your job

heh at this point i would be willing to take valium every day if thats what it takes to survive a shitty job for at least a year. fook this every other day shit. crank up the valium, crank up the prozac, shit even crank up the degenerate MJ if it helps you survive day to day. sometimes you have to be focused on the short term more than the long term hahaha.

saw a slutty woman at this place and was attracted to her, wanted to bang her hard, but felt no luv for her. would never want to marry her or make babies with her. just wanted a no strings attached, casual fook. then i realized this is how most normie degens feel about secs. do i really want to develop that attitude. but do i really want to Date her, when I know she has given it up easily before? hell no!

how to explain things you  dont really understand to stressed out customers looking for answers

interesting thing is that the exaholics forums are probably 60% or more WOMEN going CRAZY because they were DUMPED by MEN that THEY, the WOMEN, CANT get over.

both the men and the women express very similar feelings though, much like the stuff i feel. good people, great stories, but its SO STUPID those idiots are charging ten fookin dollas a MONTH. MAYBE a year I MIGHT pay that. how much does it cost to run a forum? TRS doesnt force you to pay to use their forum. now they get lots on donations, but exaholics got donations too, but went to this exorbitant price because the dnations were enough. bullshit. how much are they paying these god damn experts to come in and do a one hour webinar once a week. i mean some of the webinars are ok but dont pay too much to these people.

how to show someone how to do something you dont know how to do.

its like being in calculus 5 and you can’t figure out a frustrating problem, so you go to a math tutor, and they clearly know less than you. they say welp lets look at the ole textbook and say hmm not sure where to start on this one, hmm i forgot how to find derivatives, i forgot whats the difference between derviatives and integrals, uhhh wtf is a csc mean? i am wayyyyy over my head hahahaha tbh i’m not sure why i was hired for this job, you have more experience and knowledge than me, and you’re asking ME for help?!?!?! thats just hilarious ridiculous! well, not hilarious for you, cuz you need help, and all i can tell you is that i can’t help you, maybe try that guy over there. i mean i don’t know if this even CAN be helped, but MAYBE he knows more than i do. or maybe he’s just as new. you want to complain to my manager? well, if i give you their phone or email I’ll get in trouble. they dont want to hear it.

can you hide someone on facebook but not BLOCK them hahaha

went to fatclub and was dismayed to find the elliptical machine seems to burn MORE calories at a LOWER speed than at a HIGHER speed. at least with say 4.5 vs 5.5 mph. basically i found i could burn ABOUT the same amount of calories whether i was Taking It Easy, or Busting My Ass with a Higher Setting. this did not seem right. and then i thought what if i were taking that technical support call.

i would be tasking with fixing it, or coming up with a (bullshit) explanation. i would first have to determine if the machine was actually broken. checking to make sure something is error free is difficult. one doesnt’ simply run a one size fits all test that says, everythings ok! unless you do. you’re not sure if such a test/program exists for this machine. all you have is the caller telling you something Really doesnt SEEM right. and you agree, yeah, that’s WEIRD that you can burn ABOUT the same amount of calories whether you are working hard and SOAKED WITH SWEAT, or not working so hard, and barely sweating at all, you still get about 95% of the same calories burned. this machine seems broken.

so then you have to explain why the machine is Working As Intended, it only SEEMS broken because that’s just how our bodies work. its a Brain/Body Trick. an Illusion.

when you are just making 15 DAH and you don’t know how the machine works or how bodies work, you just want to tell them something, get them off the phone, and hope you didnt do anythign that will come back to haunt you, and hope the call you are gonna receive immediately after you finish this one will be a little easier.

like having a nonstop exam all day where people hover over you nervously saying whats wrong? what are you doing? what does this mean? when you haven’t studied for the exam, and you have the shittiest teacher in the world, who just waves his hand at the internet and says “read and understand. seek and ye shall find.” when you don’t even know what you’re looking for, and the stuff you read makes no sense.

ok. this is a 4000 dollar machine. youd THINK it would measure calories accurate. tell your caller that. the machines not broken, because its an expensive machine, and expensive machines never break. hahahaha. i dunno man i just started here.

this machine is not broken! its expensive!

uhhhh we have no way to test it. you say its broken. i say its not. i win because i work for the company. don’t like it, then buy another $4000 machine from our competitor sucker.

it STANDS TO REASON that you shouldn’t burn 95% the same amount of calories while Taking It Easy that you do while Busting Your Ass!

However people are Wrong alot of the time. that’s why they need someone KNOWLEDGEABLE to EXPLAIN shit. so what happens when that person is not knowledgable? You don’t believe them! and Their job is stressful as fook!

cuz they dont know how to tell there caller that the machine is “WORKING AS INTENDED” when the caller doesnt’ BELIEVE them, and you dont know HOW TO CONVINCE them! you just asked for advice from a level 2 in the chat room and they said “Tell the caller its working as intended.” period. shit I myself dont believe its working as intended! i dont think the caller is calling In Bad Faith!!!!! I think they have a legit concern and I want to help them! and I say this looks weird to me too!

level 1 (me, has to talk to caller, stumped, looking for help and advice and explanations) : “Is there any way we can test this to CONFIRM its working properly.”

level 2: “Not really. We can only do something when its showing an error message.”

level 1: “whta you mean not REALLY. is there or isn’t there a test or some sort of diagnosic program to test this machines accuracy? lots of machines have ways to CALIBRATE the machines. Is there a way we can CALIBRATE or TEST this machine to make sure its calculating calories correctly.”

level 2: “Not really.”

level 1: “but this machine costs $4000!!!!!! How can it not have a way to Calibrate it? How does the Manufacturer test its quality? what kind of quality tests do they do at the factory to make sure they’re not sending out defective equipment?”

level 2: “That’s out of our scope. They’d have to contact the manufacturer to get that info. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

hehehehehe. meanwhile level 1 has to explain shit that makes no sense, and makes 3 dollars an hour less than level 2.

and she is headed straight to level 2 even though she is way dumber than me. i was much better level 2 material than her.

just TRAGIC that i worked in THAT kind of place, with a Good Female Friend who I unfortunately fell in love with, who reacted in THAT way. Shit could not have gone more wrong!!!!!!!!!

are there any kind of online tests to test how you can solve confusing problems you know nothing about?




mar 8

i got the thought that she might have avoided dealing with be EXACTLY BECAUSE she knew I would be hurt A LOT (which was correct!!!) and the amount of muh hurt was exactly the reason why she avoided me. if i wouldnt be that hurt, it would have been easier for her to confront me. but she knew i would be DEVASTATED, and she couldnt deal with that AT ALL.

maybe. of course ill NEVER know what she was thinking.

eh. i am less OBSESSED about it now, which is good.

now i am more worried about learning a complicated, overwhelming job fast, when people are not super willing to help people.

I was always very willing to help people because i know how much help you NEED in the beginning, and how everyone seems too BUSY to help you, or they sneer at you for asking dumb questions, well, when you dont know ANYTHING, these questions arent dumb. whats causing the program data to become corrupt. no one knows this. how can they prevent the printer from getting the 14.88 error every day.  are there any locations that have separate machines for credit cards and for checks, and how can we tell? what do these machines look like? how do we reinstall the drivers if the caller cant tell what type of machine it is? how do i find out whose job this is? whose job is this? who can fix this? Level 3 kicked this case back to Level 2 saying “we dont fix this”, NOT MY PROBLEM MAN, but then added nothing more, and the case is sitting back at level 2, and the caller is getting impatient because their client is getting impatient, what do i tell them. oh great i tell them the case is where it needs to be and we will call you back within 72 hours i promise you. well last time you did that i didnt talk to anybody, they just sent me a shitty email that didnt make sense and said they were closing the case because they called me once and i was busy. now i cant call them back because i can only call into level 1 and

hehehe anyway i would gladly help the new people because i was angry at the company for not training new people enough, so I was gonna take that cross up myself, goddamn it!!!!!!! i’ll train these poor newbies if the company just wants to throw them to the wolves, and if they dont figure it out fast enough, youre fired! this is peoples LIVES were talking about! they just WANT TO WORK! they WANT to do a GOOD job!!!! but they are put in these situations CONSTANTLY where they dont know what theyre doing!!!!!

just tell me what to do and i’l do it!!!!! nope thats the wrong attitude, you have to FIGURE OUT what to do, thats your JOB!!!! well….how do i FIGURE OUT what to do then, nothing makes fooking sense and Im freaking out! well dont freak out, if you freak out, you’ll fail. oh thanks asshole.

JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!! Nope, figure it out yourself, thats your job. I hate this kind of shit.

you end up bullshitting people because you CANT really figure it out, you CANT get good help from others, in other words, the “good question. let me find out for you” line doesnt really work, and the sources you get are incomplete or wrong, so you cant really figure it out for yourself, but take a guess. yes or no.

“the program is working as intended.”

“the file is corrupt, you have to start it over again.”

“you have to make the client come back in again because the program didnt capture their signature. or maybe because the signature pad failed. or both failed. dunno.”

oh god signature pads fook me.

maybe program crashed just as the person touched the signature pad.

so its ok to just write “signature on file” and not call the person back in? isnt that fraud and you could go to prison for 10 years for a felony? I dunno im not a lawyer. or is that if you FORGE the persons signature. i dunno im not a lawyer. ask your manager. oh you ARE the manager, of courshe. well call YOUR manager. oh you already did and he said to call us. well call him BACK and tell your boss, no, you talked to us and said HE had to handle it. I would guess that writing “signature on file” is much less a degree of fraud than forging the signature, so uh yeah just fookin do it. My name is Tyrone B and the case number is 14888841.  oh you want to talk to a supervisor. well let me put you on hold for 5 minutes so i can argue for permission for a supervisor to call you back within 72 hours. all the supervisors are busy. the only people who are not on the phone right now are managers who dont actually know anything about this and cant explain it any better than i can, they will just tell you the same thing, plus they have the authority to say they dont WANT to talk to you. they dont HAVE to talk to you.

GRANTED, i never had a call that was REALLY that bad. rather, i just said, OH, just write signature on file, ITLL BE FINE, thats totally legit. knowing that it would PROBABLY be legit, they PROBABLY wouldnt get in trouble, and if they did, their manager would school them and not care about getting ME in trouble; and if i did get in trouble, i would just get a Coaching Meeting, i’d say I’ll never do it again, I’ll say I chatted with a level 2 and they said it was ok, sorry i forgot to put that in the notes, didnt think we needed approval for that. ok lesson learned, wont ever do it again, thank you for the coaching.

flashcards and studying the shit at home on Time Off and becoming friendly with Smart People were what helped me the most.

studying the shit at home SUCKS. but it HELPED. but it also made me more crazy.

therefore, i would limit it to no more than one hour on workdays. also, you can do it while Blazed.

but getting blazed is DEGENERATE.

yes it IS, but it honestly helped relieve some stress from the job and the woman and life. i dont really feel that bad about Blazing It during that time. I was a hard working and very stressed out Guy. I had Earned It.

but it was possible that blazing it was just making me MORE nervous and stressed and worried over the long term. MJ can do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO, an all around better way to relieve stress is at the GYM. with exercise and lifting.

so yeah i should have just gotten out of job, went straight to gym, well maybe eat dinner before, and then GOMAD INSANITY in the gym for 2 full hours until dripping with sweat and every muscle in body feels like jelly. while ideally listening to a self-made “podcast” of me reading Job Facts and Knowledge to try to Train Myself and Teach Myself how to do my job and learn all the stuff.

then go home and study the job on computer, maybe while making another Talking File to listen to at gym in the future.

yeah i just hate being put into complex confusing situations where i dont know what im doing, and i dont know what to say to the caller, yet i gotta figure it out quickly, with minimal help.

march 9

hey i dont WANT to hate women. i dont LIKE hating women. i think men and women are supposed to get along and luv each other and not constantly fight and hate each other. its how we reproduce our species hehehe. i hate seeing women screw men over. yeah men screw women over too but i think women do it more. maybe women only do it because they have been screwed by men. certainly That Woman has been screwed over by men in her life, so she prob kinda hates men. fine. ok. i dont much like women either. but i dont LIKE hating women. i wish i DIDNT! but i dislike them for imho very good reasons. i dont like the way the act, the things they say and do, their immaturity, their mercenary nature, they cant be trusted, everything is super conditional.  oh well not all women are like that. some are nice single mothers who will treat you right hahaha.

heh i really gotta make more female friends. its good for the confidence, really good, if you can be actual friends with women. even better if they are even moderately attractive. it doesnt matter if youre attracted to them or in luv with them. i mean you shouldnt be “FWB” because thats degenerate. but basically it proves to yourself that you are Cool Enough to get at least SOME positive attention from women. like they want to hang out with you, spend time with you, respond to you, be nice to you. all these things are HUGE. it says, well this woman doesnt hate me, so theres hope that i could find a woman one day who actually wants to Be With me, could maybe actually have a wife and family some day. theres hope for me yet hahahaha. its not hopeless.

so to go from one female friend back down to none is pretty rough.

im talking about someone you see on a regular basis, who hangs out with you and doesnt ignore you, who you text and she responds.

anyway. neets explaining gaps. you cant say i lost my mind and quit my job becuase i couldnt handle it. also i hated it.  this is why its so important to know people!

cuz unless you are perfect, and a decent number of people are, they will look for any reason NOT to hire you.

because they can get a perfect person instead: higher gpa, more internships, less fookups, no dui’s, no gaps, tons of volunteer experience, better references, younger, better attitude, no emotional problems, no autism, no awkwardness, no despair, no neets, no manlets, no fatties, just hire a boy scout right out of college, no shortage of those!

hehehe reading local paper about pres primary elections and they talked to a guy who works at muh former job and sees THAT PERSON erryday. he was always kinda obnoxious and i didnt REALLY like him, thought he was SO smart, of course he was a level 2 therefore he was way smarter and alphaer than me, and of COURSHE he voted for BERNIE. then probably That Woman let him fook her in a supply closet on the job and he will brainwash her to become a socialist. she was kinda gullible. if she had chosen me i would have schooled her the right way and could have made a decent woman out of her. but nooooooooooo.

gives him dat fine white ass but cant even talk to me. some friend hahaha. dirty dumb white trash mudshark whore hahahaha.

i hate how All Women (in a woman hating mood today) can treat sex so casually, so recklessly, but I treat it as some important, valuable, special, sacred, holy thing. but its just something they give to just about anybody. except me hahahaha. and they have all the negative consequences like getting preggers! They dont know and dont care, because thats how da j00z have brainwashed them. thru the media, the skools, the destruction of the family, popular culture. fookin garbage. but women are herd animals who suck up popular culture like it was black dicks.

mar 10

i saw a young woman in a restaurant i was very attracted to, but she seemed like a pothead whore with 1000 cok stare, and was there with boifran, who was a BIG GUY 4 U indeed. like football player big. and she was kinda small. HUGE guy. not really fat but prob likes to smoke MJ and Eat Junk more than he likes to work out hahahaha.

point is he could tear me in half.

hmm this yogurt has a LOT of sugar in it. not nec calories but sugar. some protein but not enough, a bit too many carbs. fook yogurt. again straight up BEEF is the best food ever. also chicken. can alternate them so you dont get bored.

ok new goal is try to burn 1000 calories whenever going to gym. is a decent goal. takes some time.

yeah i just hate that women have become huge mudshark whores who forget they can get pregnant because theyve bought so much into recreational sex, and birth control, and abortion.

but you could argue….the people who should be having the least kids are having the most kids, and vice versa, and this is WITH BC and abortion. the people that SHOULD be using contraception the most are NOT, and vice versa.

i mean it takes a really dumb muh dick mindset to forget to take your whorepill that day, or tell the diseased thug banging you to put on a Condo before he sprays your babymaker with thug sperm.

youve got to be STUPID or Stoned not to make him use a Condo!

NEET PODCAST. I love listening to the TRS podcasts and I should really do my own TRS for white neets. or, better yet, do a podcast FOR TRS on the subject of white neets.

anyway point is podcasts are great cuz you can listen to them whenever, wherever, and its good to hear two or more people having a normal, but interesting conversation.

rather than a marxist lecturing you, or a bunch of chads or women talking about stupid degeneracy. having casual secs and feelin the BERN.

wow just wow i cant even, i am literally SHAKING right now hahahahahahaha

yeah there are other neets on TRS but TRS is the kind of place that mocks and shames and shuns neets because they are weak losers and dead weight on the white race. i can understand where theyre coming from, but as a neet who wants to become a winner, i want to help other neets who want to become winners too, and not shun and shame them, especially if theyre white!

many neets are into GAMES and ANIME, and i just have no interest in this at ALL.

theres two neet podcasts ive found, but they are all under 20, pretty much LOVE being neets, LOVE watching anime and vidya all day, and are not worried about jobs or wimmin, cuz they had 2d faggotry! they embrace the lable neet and some arent even real neets cuz they are College Students.


these are not true neets! i am looking for older neets whose lives are falling apart and are filled with frustration and worry and despair! pref ones that are white, pro-white, and NOT into anime and games!

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uhh i think this one is on the Sexual Morality of Premarital Secs

march 11

yeah i just feel incapable of doing jobs because i get so FLUSTERED. i dont know how to do this. i dont know what to say to the customer/client/caller. well just figure it out. figure it out. tell them sorry nothing we can do. not my problem man.

triggering comic by feminist on white privilege hahahaha

triggering article about why polyamory is awesome on same site, everyday feminism, new worst site EVER

gay comic on why neckbeard is insulting

rape culture expressions like this sucks, or fook you, or win her over. oh god. super rustling leftist bullshit site.

everyday feminism can SUCK MUH DICK and GET FOOKED like a BITCH.

dumb cartoon glorifying abortion, linking to another page on how to use gender inclusive, noncissexist language when talking about trans people who are pro-abortion oy vey,

time to ditch the friendzone word cuz its cissexist

32 types of anti feminist comic by fat j00 male feminist barry ((((deutsch)))) very overworthy

10000 word article on how social justice language can be used to hide abuse in relships

insanely horrible degen comic about how a queer WOC should go about mentally preparing for her first date with a trans “woman” omg

common but wrong defensive responses by dumb whites to white privilege

horry sheet. this is the most horrible website i have seen in a long time. it just gets worse and worse. if any of your friends say this is a good website, shame and shun them. they are the enemy.

hehehe its my white privilege that i think “whats good” is just a black slang for saying “whats up” aka “hello” or “how are you”, when really it is hostile expression meaning “iz gon gat yo azz ni99a cuz u racis”. so you being so uneducated that you think “whats good” is friendly and not hostile is in itself racis.

good god.

unrequited luv for a friend. this article was actually not bad.

it links to this captain awkward blog. not sure if thats as bad as dr nerdlove.


I have had people try to convince me that I was wrong to break up with them or to decline to deepen or continue a relationship. The trajectory of those interactions ranged from sad to annoying to terrifying. I have tried to convince people not to break up with me, to give me one more chance. I can only pray that they (plural ‘they’, unfortunately, not the groovy gender-neutral singular construction) have long since deleted the Emails of Desperation and Neediness I sent. You’ve all seen how wordy I can be here, now imagine that “talent” and energy applied to convincing you that you really, really should stay with me even though you don’t want to, complete with numbered lists of reasons and airtight logic cases for why it really, really should work out.
 Hounding those people – people who genuinely liked and cared for me but who just didn’t want what I wanted – is one of my true regrets in life. I would give a lot to be able to take it all back, to disengage more gracefully from those past relationships, to save my dignity, their patience, and to be true to a principle of consent in all things. Fortunately, I did eventually learn that you cannot logic someone into loving you back. My life got so much better when I learned that lesson and I hope yours does, too.

He is also doing that common thing that stalkers and abusers do by repeatedly mentioning how he “let it go” and “eased up.” This stands out because it should go without mention that you listen when somebody tells you that they are not interested. As a result, this letter waves ALL the red flags.


I once knew a guy who was absolutely certain that if he could just get his ex alone in a room for half an hour and show her his PowerPoint presentation explaining why she should not have left him, she would see the light and get back together with him. Don’t be that guy, LW. Don’t be anything at all like that guy. Be as unlike that guy as you can manage to be. If you catch yourself thinking “maybe if I just text her exactly the right way” or “maybe if I time my commute so that I just happen to run into her at the train station” or anything else that amounts to “maybe if I ignore her stated desire for me to leave her alone”, repeat to yourself: PowerPoint Guy would do that thing. I don’t want to be him. I will not do that thing.


yeah well i did “let it go” and “eased up”, also she was giving mixed as fook signals, saying yes we will hang out, never directly telling me no. of course her finishing move clearly said no and then i wrote 3 desperate emails begging for her to Think About It; and then just begging her to Please Respond.

yeah it was pathetic and desperate and power pointy but

sort of similar case.

anyway that everyday feminism site is radical as fook, and downright evil.

how to deal with the horrible idea of jealous regarding polyamory, and be happy about being cucked. well this is written by a poly woman, probably a doike hahahaha

on effective communication. this one was actually good. say “i feel x when you y.” i thought you had to avoid saying “you” altogether, but if THIS degen ovenworthy site says you can say “you” or xou or zyo or your preferred pronoun, well then hell i can say you. as long as you start off owning your feelings with the i statement. i feel sad and worthless when you avoid me.

the goddamn sjw freaks who write this trash. i am surprised any of them use cisgender pronouns at all! if you let yourself be referred to as she or he you are internalizing your own cisoppression!!!!!

former man writes about how women are not emotional infants that need a man to tell them what they want. that women are grown adults who can make good decisions. oh how i wish that degenerate were right!

so really im not OWED anything. she doesnt OWE me an Explanation.

well i would respond to that, because of the fact that we were friends for so long, she OWES me at least a TEXT saying “Sorry But No” because of common courtesy.

yeah i was desperate and pathetic but stop shitting on the power point guy, theyre desperate because their heart is broken!!!!!!!!

but you are a rapist because youre not Acknowledging Consent, and trying to Coerce them, and get around Consent. You dont take no for an answer, you dont respect wmens CONSENT, therefore you are an abuser and dont respect this woman.

well it took me a few weeks to realize what she was saying, and in my final email i said, ok, obviously you dont want to be with me, but PLEASE respond to me and say sorry, thats all i want, i dont want to MAKE you do anything.

then i went NC and have been that way ever since. so i dont think i was being creepy power point guy in total denial. plus SOME denial is natural part of grief, bitches.

march 12

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TRS forum, should porn and strip clubs be BANNED. obviously we all agree they are bad and degenerate. should the state ban them is a question that sets a huge debate between white fascists and white lolbertarians, including an eastern european who lived under communism and is suspicious of powerful states.

hehehe woman had an online relationship with a man and he Ghosted aka Abandoned her without notice is a less GAY GHOST way of putting it.

mar 13

had stupid dream with the woman. she was talking to another woman and i was trying to butt into the conversation like a pushy beta. i was right there, they were just having their own separate conversation. she was talking about her friend was doing drugs and she was sad and would have to stop seeing them if they didnt stop. yes very sad but the right thing to do. dont hang out with druggies and dont do drugs yourself. then she was talking about a person  who was rumored to have done something horrible, like K somebody, but he got away with it, and not sure how true the rumors were. i butted in and said wait ayo hol up, are you talking about your druggie friend or someone else who supposedly K’d somebody?

she rolled her eyes and said ugh and was clearly annoyed with me and wanted me to Leave, and said it was a male friend she had a very, very, very small crush on.

see women can get crushes on guys and be interested in guys and get feelings for guys too. in this case they are MORE than willing to hang out with the guy, talk to him, respond to him, and get upset when he ignores her.

at that point i got really passive aggressive butthurt and said oh you have a small crush on a guy. you think you could ever have a small crush on ME? you wanna talk to me about what’s been happening with us? you know I have a small crush on you? what do you think about that?

and then the dream suddenly ended, or I suddenly woke up.

during the whole dream she was very annoyed at me, I was acting kinda annoying and pushy and Asshurt. we were both at our worst. not cool.

also she looked different, like a different person, not the person I knew. I guess this is kinda good because it means i am moving on from her and cant remember what she looks like. well of COURSE i remember what she LOOKS like. but its best for that to be a faded memory. but this is prob a symbol that the person she became was NOT the person I knew. Not the person I was friends with. definitely not the person i fell in luv with. Yes it is sad. She changed to a different person. I changed too. I changed in a big way but not to a different PERSON. I was still the same person who wanted the best for her and never to hurt her. and she changed from someone who cared about me, to someone who didnt care enough to Do Something for me.

did i mention i am switching to the elliptical now. it feels like it is a better Workout than the treadmill. although your motion is a little different. especially when you try to go fast. feels weird and not like walking or jogging. but they say its better on your joints. plus i feel i am building muscle because i usually have on a high level of tension and can feel some bern.