sheeeeeeeeit. had some nyquil last night, never take more than a 70% dose, so got a lot of good sleep. thank god. praise be unto him.

had a weird dream but it didnt involve HER thank god. were watching the latest “lars von trier” movie which is dream code for something really weird and shocking. and it was. a bunch of shocking sex and fetish and violence stuff. like a 4 hour movie composed entirely of LVT’s most shocking and degen scenes. basically “torture porn” hahaha. something about a rich powerful american psycho like psychopath slowly K”ing a woman with a ridiculously long chainsaw, all protrayed as a very artsy movie.

now, LVT is not THIS bad. he pushes the limits and is much more degen than i would like him to be, but i cant say these dreams represent the reality of his filmmaking.

although i stopped watching “nymphomaniac” halfway through because i was disappointed such a good director as LVT had to keep being more and more degenerate.

the “TRUMPENFUHRER” today retweeted an official shitlord by the name of “whitegenocide” and within minutes everyone had noticed. and like 4 hours later the official trump tweet is still up there. it includes @whitegenocidetm right in the tweet, so its not like a user whose Racially Aware Shitlordiness was kinda subtle. its basically right in the username. this is the type of stuff The Mainstream would want to shy away from, and which they would quickly delete and give a public apology for, saying that some young untrained intern made the retweet without taking 1 minute to vet the original tweeter for Evil Racism!

of course its bee

on on WaPo too, it became a big tweet of the day. it has been up on his twitter for 6 hours now, still up there. i would be surprised if he just left it up there and did not comment on it.

hehehe there are some “basic” trump supporters who are following the same hite genocide tweeter just because they think he is pro trump, who would probably be horrified by all the racist stuff.

i know a few months ago trump RT’d a Racist re some Crime Statistics, then later i think trump sort of apologized or blamed it on an Intern, and deleted the tweet/RT. thinking something similar might happen here. i just like seeing white memes get mainstream media attention. a wapo article mentioning kmac or richard spencer or jared taylor is not an unheard of thing in 2015/2016.

anyway. its so stupid how people can hurt others the way they do. its stupid im so sensitive to this. that i feel the world is kicking my ass rather than me going out and kicking the worlds ass. certainly a result of coddling and spoiling by a well intentioned fam. i hate being SPOILED and WEAK hahahaha.

also it makes the movement i associate with, not want to associate with ME. it makes NO ONE want to associate with me. NO ONE – movements, women, jobs, clients, contacts, friends, colleagues, leaders, followers, supporters – wants to associate with neet losers hahahaha.


welp looks like it has been at least 100 days since i last looked at pron whatsoever. actually i GUARANTEE it was at LEAST 115 days, but i took an ULTRA conservative estimate.

did i link to this thread yet? always a decent one

haw haw haw

anyway i just dont like that she treated me like i was WORTHLESS to her. i meant NOTHING to her. i was just some randome stranger to her. it didnt mean anything to her to lose me, it mean everything to me ot lose her.

when thats not the case. i wasnt a randome stranger. there was a time when she expressed trust and closeness to me and by that time we had already known each other for 1.5 years. at out peak probably. by that time we were well in the midst of a longterm rel (ie, a real friendship) and things were going very well. it felt good to know i was important to this woman. i felt real loyalty from her. having that wither and die is hardcore. “just because” i got feelings towards her and tried to express them.

come on. i KNOW i meant something to you. at least be upset about the end. even when i was HER age i would have known better than this. well……at her age i was drinking a LOT. i might have avoided a confrontation and just kept drinking and avoiding. hard to say. i certainly didnt have any women in luv with me when i was that age, or ever!

i dunno. i like to think i would have still responded with a damn email at least.

or maybe i would have gotten scared and just deleted emails.

when i was that age and drinking i would avoid shit. i would sometimes not even look at my email for days because i was afraid somebody might email me. and if they did i would just delete it. but it didnt do that a lot. and never for friends or women, but i think skool related responsibilities sometimes hahahaha.

classic shirker and avoider ahahaha.

heh. i should begged harder on the issue of please have your mom or a mutual friend respond to me for you hahahaha.

anyway. point is, though my luv for her was all in my head, the importance of the rel was not all in my head. for a while she was rather connected to me, signif invested in me, she knew it, i knew it, and it felt like throwing me away like i meant nothing to her was a REPUDIATION of how much i once meant to her!!!!!!!

had a pizzafest at 10 pm during rare social get together with old friend. 4 pieces of pizza, some cheesy bread, a can of coke. leading me to be ONE THOUSAND calories about my 1200 daily goal. i have now moved the goalposts back up to 1560 hahahah. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

anyway. yeah. it wasnt all in my imagination. it wasnt all a fantasy. we had a real, established rel. i didnt expect her to just walk out of it. give me an ULTIMATUM at least. this is exactly the type of drastic measure you implement AFTER an ultimatum is given, and broken. not something you SPRING on someone when you are also giving MIXED SIGNALS. to someone you knew for YEARS. who once actually meant something to you.

the whole thing is the biggest mindfook i have ever EVER experienced. EVER.

yeah i was a degenerate. i dont deserve much in terms of women. i prob didnt deserve HER: a young, nonugly, solid 7 white gurl with no kids and low number. the only things that brought her down were no father and been with 1 nonwhite. these were “concessions” i was MORE than willing to make, given my own lowass mate value: underemployed loser who never reached potential, short, old, balding, slightly overweight, low energy, omega niceguy, shy, introverted, nervous, neurotic, nebbish. the only things i got going for me is i dont have an ugly face, and i am a pretty nice guy to the people around me.

even at my most degenerate youth, i always appreciated people and tried to treat them well. i did not regard them as disposable and replaceable. i never wanted to just Crush Pvssy, I wanted to Crvsh Monogamous Pvssy in the confines of a committed Rel. even as I was watching tons of degen pr0n, partaking tons degen MJ, drinking tons of degen alcohol, parroting tons of degen leftist propaganda. i think really i was just looking to FIT IN and make friends and be part of a group and not be isolated and lonely.

i was a degen race mixer with my pseudodating, one of the girls was J’ish. but at age 21 i didnt understand how nonwhite J’s were. she LOOKED white, her skin was whiter than mine, and she was young and cute as hell. Uncle Al 1488 would have approved. Zyklon Ben “Montana Merchant Mangler” Garrison would have approved!!!

back then i thought J’s were Just A Religion. and the gurl was cute as hell and whiter than me! my first thought was that she was a Celtic White! i had no IDEA J’s could look like that; I’d seen some Js who looked pretty J00ey but she was not one of them.

anyway i dont really regret it. what i wanted with her was a nondegenerate thing. i got feelings for her too quick, but they were legit feelings. i didnt really know her though, i just had an illusion of her. but still my feelings were real and i was ready to Commit to her and have an old fashioned Rel. you can guess how she felt about that!

i always tried to treat people good, and never screw them over, never do them wrong. never be mean or nasty or sell them out or do them wrong. regarding real actual women, i wanted trad rels with them, not to get as many “notches” as possible. i cared about quality not quantity. K selected haha. this is all very good and non degen, the least degen thing about me, as i had a muh dick, muh feelz attitude about everything else: substance abuse, pr0nography. i watched the pr0nography because i was still horny. now when i was with the gurls i had no desire to look at the pron. i didnt understand guys with GFs who STILL looked at pron.

the point im trying to make is, even at my most degenerate, i just didnt have it in me to screw people over and do them wrong. that’s probably a good thing!

and when people screwed me over, i just couldnt understand how people could do that. couldnt they treat me a LITTLE better?  and i people around me behaving even WORSE! i never got any ridiculously BIG screwjobs.

even NOW i can still rationalize why she “screwed” me: path of least resistance.

but really. its really bad karma to hurt someone this bad. so it WOULD be in her interest to apologize. because she supposedly cared about karma.

see i am trying to talk back to the inner voice Of Her which says, “its YOUR FAULT you were so devastated, because this was ALL IN YOUR HEAD.”

yeah, the LUV was in my head. but apart from that, Our Friendship PRIOR to the luv was MUTUALLY VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT and therefore would be painful to BOTH of us to lose.

well the explanation there, is, during the 10 months i was being WEIRD, she was disengaging and preparing for the end in her mind. essentially ending her involvement in the rel, gradually “moving out.” so by the time she was gone…..she was ready to be gone.

still. communicating an ultimatum for ultimatum type actions WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

shit. might go to gym for a little bit.


yeah eating food late at night, well not even LATE, but after like 9 pm, is a recipe for degenerate fatness. one of many big risks.  pizza, food in the evening, easting too large of portions, peanut butter, deep fried stuff with a crispy coating like fried chikun hahaha, french fries. potatoes. soda pop. donuts. well didnt we always know these things were a slippery slope hahaha. but yeah the other night i went liek 1000 calories over by essentially eating a Large Meal at 10 pm. 4 slices of pizza, some cheesy bread, and a coke. holy shit. the slices of pizza were not super huge, any normal man could eat 4 of them if he were a bit hungry. but yeah that was potentially catastrophic. good thing in the surrounding days i was pretty under, to make up for that overage.

basically act like the trumpenfuhrer at all times. he is the worlds most confident alpha man. just ask yourself WWDTD. with his attitude and confidence and occasional cockiness and arrogance he is the perfect role model for all men. dominate or be dominated. show no weakness. make no apologies. never back down.

the trumpenfuhrer does not drink. he is in tip top health. really there has never been such a charismatic and compelling repub candidate in my lifetime. maybe reagan but i cant even say, i was a small child when reagan left office. the don BTFOs a weak weirdo like mitt the titt from 2012. i can only compare the fervor to what was seen in 2008 when barry obongo had his own cult of personality. and now DT is his own cult of personality, kind of the total anti obongo.

heh.funny. j00ish gurls j00ed me over LESS than a white gurl.

i will never make sense of it. well i guess i did. she was cowardly, weak, and immature. maybe our friendship meant something to her but she was too cowardly to do the right thing, because the right thing is not always the easy thing. she was a classic confrontation avoider, i can understand that. i am kinda the same way. also she is not a good dumper. this how how she dumps guys. unlike most gurls, she was more used to being dumped than doing the dumping. i thought this would make her a more sympathetic dumper. and help her empathize with me and men in general, as we are more often dumped than the dumper in any given rel.

but would it really be worthwhile to contact her NOW and push her again for “better karma?” it prob wouldnt work. i just want her back anyway. if she responded i would contact again and again, wanting more and more, and then she would stop responding again and i would feel like a psycho idiot.

also i would find it hard to be satisfied by an apology that i basically had to ask for. no. they have to feel guilty enough on their own and not just apologize as a way to shut me up and appease me.

so you can have luv for someone you dont really know. if they are cute young gurl and they are getting physical with you and pseudodating. the chemicals can start activating, and IMHO that is as it should be. you should not take these chemicals lightly and abuse them with Promiscuity and Nonmonogamy. i was willing to do something long term and monogamous with those women. but they were not willing. they just wanted to have chill fun.

so i liked being friends with a woman, it was a real relationship where you know the person, not a damn charade filled with misunderstandings and illusions. hahahaha although it certainly ended in that way.

“dear” person,

why u do me like that. come on. you can do better than that. i know youre not a horrible person. so just try to treat me with some kindness here in the final moments. yes i admit i was not the smoothest. yes i admit i should have told you months earlier. i was making big hints and trying to hang out with you. i always thought we would eventually hang out, and thats when i planned to tell you. i didnt think work was the right place to tell you. but by god did i give you hints and signals, because i didnt like holding this secret in. i didnt want to hide it. i didnt want to cover it or deny it or lie about it. i wanted to get it out in the open and deal with it, which would prob mean the end of our friendship, but it didnt have to end in a bad way. its ending in a bad way now. just meet with me and have a conversation like someone who cared about me. you used to care about me. i just feel worthless the way you treated me like a piece of garbage, when not too long ago you used to care about me and value me as a good friend. i appreciated that and appreciated you. i know me giving you hints made you feel weird and distance yourself from me. however my feelings werent going to go away, thats why i wanted to discuss it openly and not have to give hints. finally i told you straight up. and i really wish you had responded to that even to just say sorry i dont feel the same way but i appreciated our friendship. its really important to me that you admit that our friendship was worth something to you. i know it was in the past, and i know things were strained recently, but i didnt think you were gonna pull the plug like that. at least give me an ultimatum first. i know its hard and awkward and confrontations are never fun. but i never meant you any harm. i only wanted the best for you. i was willing to be there for you during the ups and downs of your life. i wasnt trying to hurt or control or abuse or manipulate you. i didnt want to change you. i just wish you felt those feelings to me, but you dont, and i can accept that. i cant accept the WAY you chose to communicate that to me, namely through this blocking, ignoring, silent treatment, ghosting, whatever you wanna call it. it really really hurts a lot more than a conversation would have. even an email. just send me an email. think about how you would want to be dumped by someone you cared for, who didnt return those feelings. would you want them to do THIS to you? just send me an email. tell me our previous friendship meant something, and that I meant something. you dont treat people like this when they MEAN something to you. im sad our friendship has to end too. i didnt intentionally decide to get feelings when i did. it just happened, and at a pretty bad time too. when you get feelings for someone, does it always make sense or happen at the best time? also i wasnt trying to win your trust as part of some long con. I was genuinely your friend and I was very thankful to have a friend where we both knew and respected each other and earned each others trust. it was only AFTER that that I changed, my feelings changed. yes this complicates things but i can’t blame myself for getting the feelings. the feelings arent the problem, its how we deal with them. we have to deal with them better. we have to talk about this. its appropriate that our friendship ends, but it shouldnt end this horribly. treat it as a funeral for a good friend, rather than throwing a traitor in a ditch. i dont feel i betrayed you. this is just a huge misunderstanding. yes things have to end, because i have feelings and you dont. but lets end it with as little pain and suffering and hard feelings as possible. right now i am feeling great pain because i feel you threw me away like garbage, and i wish we could just talk about it and smooth things over, so that we both remember each other better, rather than betrayers and abandoners.

heheheheh end of daily letter to person.

basically i think in a “good” dumping you wont have anything left you want to say to the person. youve said it all and theyve listened to it all. you agree to disagree. you say, welp, i wish you werent dumping me, but at least we understand each other. its ok that you reject me, just try to reject me with less brutality and disrespect. respect the sanctity of my human life and the pain i feel. or you cant, because so many people have no respect for human life. they screw and j00 people, they cheat people, they cheat on people, they abandon and abuse and abort and raep and murder and beat.

apparently with some mortgage companies, they dont let you pay more than your monthly payment, like if you wanted to pay it off early and reduce the interest you were accruing. they put the excess amount in ESCROW where it does NOTHING, does not accrue interest of its own, and then just take it out next month. this way you get CHARGED all the interest you “deserve” hahahaha.

normally if someone has a bad breakup you just say, forget about that btich, you were too good for her, forget about her, shes a piece of shit, you dont WANT her in your life. yeah well but i DO want her in my life. and shes not a shitty person, shes just so misguided and has misunderstood so bad and done something pretty bad to me, but morally speaking, its nowhere NEAR as bad as cheating. its a LOT easier to not cheat, as to not avoid responsibility. i almost wish she HAD cheated. but then we would have had to have dated, which we never did.

hahahaha i never dated a woman long enough for her to be ABLE to cheat on me. so when they did shady things with other guys, they had plausable deniability: i wasnt CHEATING, we didnt HAVE a monog rel!!!!!

really the only thing i can do is just forget about it, put it behind me. kinda hard to do. she was just that important to me.

i am not the bad guy just because i got feelings for her! luv is never wrong hahaha luv is luv. like when men luv 5 year old boys. luv is luv hahahahahahahaha luv equality hahahaha.

well this was simply an adult man falling in luv with an adult woman who he gradually had built up a good friendship with. then it turned into something more. if anything this makes PERFECT SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so there.

fook. just turn it back on them. how would THEY feel if THEY had feelings for somebody, who then harshly dumped them, and said, well you dont GET to be upset, because this is not Real Luv, because only YOU have the luv, its one sided, its all in your head. the bitch would go crazy!!!!!!! just like me!!!!!!

its basically a way of saying your feelings arent real. fook you, theyre real as fook.

this is easier for the other person to pull on you when they never luved you. then they get to say, im sorry your hurting, but you really fell in luv TOO QUICKLY.

or they dont say im sorry youre hurting at all hahahaha. but hate you and shun you for the crime of falling in luv.

i mean i have no interest in meeting other women. but if some young cute gurl were readily available to me, i would bang her. but thats quite a lot to ask.

even the nihilist degenerates at BUZZFEED give OKAY advice on how to dump somebody the right way. oh i would have loved that!

but the idea of a TOXIC relationship, and an ABUSIVE relationship……ok it was DEFINITELY not an ABUSIVE rel, but it WAS kinda TOXIC.

so if its TOXIC, you dont owe them anything? if its toxic, its all THEIR fault? it takes TWO to make it toxic. i was trying to make it LESS toxic. she made it MORE toxic by being a damn STONE WALL.

difference between toxic and abusive relationship hahahaha

i mean i wanted the best for her, i didnt want to control her!!!!!!!!!! i didnt want to hurt her!!!!!!! however i also didnt want to her to leave me!!!!!! however i knew that i couldnt stop her either.

heh. i think history will bear out that i was the Good Guy who got WRonged here, but i am still too close to it, at a mere 6 months out, to be able to tell hahahaha. but in a year or 2 years i will just look back and shake my head and say damn she really fooked up. a lot more than I did.

i mean sheeeit. you can just write me something and say this is the last contact youre going to get from me, i will not respond ever again, but im sorry, i appreciate that this hurts you, im sorry, its not your fault, dont blame yourself for this, its me not you, but we are done because i cannot luv you the way you luv me and therefore it cannot be a healthy rel for you. you deserve to be with someone who luvs you too. dont blame yourself for this. i will not respond if you contact me. sorry. send email. have your MOM send the email from guerrilla mail. click on this link in this to indicate you received and read the email.

heh. usually the “bad guy” is the one who feels LESS pain. abusers get away with their abuse and the victim blames themself. not that i WANT to be a VICTIM, but i kinda want to be the victim here rather than THE BAD GUY.

18? only 18 hahahaha why not 900000000000000000000000 types of women most likely to cheat. come ON. are there really 18 DIFFERENT KINDS of female cheaters? i think what they mean are, heres 18 of 900000000000 possible red flags for cheating.

a better title would be, “75% of women aged 20-30 are cheaters.” or 51%. or whatever. something that actually tells you something useful.

is he cheating on you – 829 telltale signs. by the same author. i am not makign this up.

so basically you can get paranoid because EVERYTHING is a sign they are cheating. theyre too nice to you. theyre not nice enough.  but yeah most/all of those red flags were valid.

hehe some quoted items from that

Q16. When you ask for a time out or don’t want to talk about something anymore, does the person keep badgering you to engage?

i was the badgerer. but she didnt want to talk about it AT ALL and was AVOIDING talking about it EVER!!!!!!

Q24. When you try to talk with the person about something that’s bothering you, do you end up feeling like the trouble is your fault?

absolteluy hahahaha.

Q23. Are you emotionally devastated when the person is upset with you or doesn’t want to be in relationship with you?

exremely hahaha

Q9. When you share your thoughts and feelings about something important to you, does the person ignore, make fun of, or dismiss you?

ignore and dismiss

Q15. Does the person pout or withdraw from you for extended periods of time when he/she is angry or upset with you?

super duper extremely extended periods of time!!!!!!!

Q27. Do you feel loved and cared for in the relationship?

at the end, nope not at all!!!!!!

so verdict is it was minorly toxic
Q29. Does the person show interest in you and your needs?

near the end, absolutely not.

Q30. Are you able to express your honest thoughts and feelings with the person?

they refuse to meet for a bigboy conversation

Q31. When the person does something wrong, does he/she admit it and take responsibility for it?

oh lord i wish she did. hahaah

You scored 19, on a scale of 0 to 62. Here’s how to interpret your score:

11 – 25
In some ways your relationship is unhealthy and destructive. All healthy relationships require mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect to flourish. Your relationship lacks some or all of these elements. Whether you are the victim or perpetrator, changing this pattern begins with you. Ask yourself what is your part? For example if you’re a repeated victim, why have you allowed yourself to be treated in this way? Get some support to make changes. It’s too hard to do it alone.


and when i tried to assert myself by saying hey here is the deal, she responded by cutting me off entirely. so. i guess that explains that!


ok so the red line is 1560 calories. the NCC is so low because of muh exercise and burning off 800-900 calories each time. that 2220 was my Pizza Cheat Day with Eating At Night. today is jan 24 and you can see i am a little over.

i like to take one week at a time, and say, could you Lop Off the Excess on like 1/22, and distribute it to the other days of the week, and still have everything be under the red line? you should be able to eyeball it and still make a confident decision, like in this case, YES, the overages would be able to safely fit under the redline if dist to the other days. indeed, the ridic day of 1/23 being so far under, would be enough to cancel out ALL overages for the WEEK.

over the course of a month it looks like:


so, you can see that those spikes can easily “collapse into” the valleys and the whole damn thing will be under the redline of Losing 1 lb per week.

oh sorry the red line is 1570 not 1560. i LIED.

oh i cant listen to this, because its RELIGIOUS.

hmmm karamel sutra ice cream has a lot more calories than blue moon ice cream yikes.

lemme just quote this which was the category above mine from the beliefnet article:

“26 – 62
You are definitely in a destructive relationship and likely in an abusive one as well. Destructive relationships contain some or all of these five elements: 1. Physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse. 2. One person is regularly overprotective, overbearing and controlling toward the other. 3. One person is overdependent upon the other to affirm his or her personal value and worth, to meet most of his or her needs, and to make most of his or her decisions. 4. One person demonstrates a pattern of deceiving the other through lying, hiding, pretending, misleading, or twisting information to make something appear other than what it is. 5. One person exhibits chronic indifference, neglect, or both toward the thoughts, feelings, or well-being of the other. Start taking steps to identify your patterns in this relationship in order to invite mutual change or step back from the relationship so that you can heal. You cannot make a relationship work all by yourself. You can make it better, but you can’t fix this alone

anyway i felt like i was making all of the effort. doing all the work. doing all the giving. all the lifting. pretty sure that means that you arent the one ruining the rel.

anyway re the religious thing: i didnt see it as a matter of me forgiving her, rather i was begging forgiveness from her for the horrible crime i had done against her: getting feelings, betraying her, being PUSHY and overbearing and annoying and weird and wanting her to talk and hang out when she didnt want to talk or hang out.  so i assumed the role of Abuser and Bad Guy Wanting Forgiveness right away.

the gottman relationship checkup which you, your Partner, and your Therapist all do online

YOUR SCORE: 18 from the above site

SCORE 5 pts+
If you scored 5 points or more, you are definitely seeing warning signs and may be in an abusive relationship. Remember the most important thing is your safety — consider making a safety plan. You don’t have to deal with this alone. can help. Chat with us to learn about your different options.


Your score is 72 out of 75, suggesting that you feel a lot of compassionate love for your partner.
Your partner is lucky: You are very supportive of him or her and respond compassionately when he or she is in distress. You also seem to make a strong effort to see the world from his or her point of view. You care about enriching your partner’s life and are willing to make sacrifices so that he or she can be happy. These are skills that help you support your partner and negotiate conflicts, which should lead to a stronger, healthier, and longer-lasting relationship.

from the compassionate love quiz:

that one said i had a good relationship hahaha, totally normal and average.

i was taking the quizzes pretending like we were actually in a relationship. which kind of we were. but i guess a platonic friendship just isnt BUILT to offer the Security and Intimacy and Trust which an Intimate Relationship does, so, incorrect expectations on my part. i wanted more than she could give: luv, security, loyalty, support, openness, being able to hang out once every 2 or 3 months hahahaha.