had a terrible headache last night and that just makes you desperate. so i broke my 4 day streak of not “self soothing” because i actually thought it might help with my headache. i was not horny at all, rarely am, but i was desperate for anything. rubbing muh head, face grimacing in pain, already took max dose of tylenol, didnt really help, couldnt take anything else cuz acetiminophen damn. to make matters worse the headache seemed to make me think a swarm of negative thoughts regarding that person, etc.

anyway thankfully i got to sleep and the headache went away.

i tried to see things from her point of view. why couldnt she do the same for me. i just thought she cared about me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. to trust that i wasnt betraying her. to realize, wait a minute, hes not trying to hurt me, maybe this is a big understanding and we should address a misunderstanding in the only way you can. its not like hes been pretending everything is ok. hes been acting weird for months. i wonder whats the deal with that hahahaha.

hes acting weird and always bugging me about hanging out every couple weeks and sending me texts every day like he likes me , he never used to do this before, its like something changed, whats the deal with that, idk ikr lol.

anyway i dont want another headache like that. it was so bad. you cant do anything but lay there in agony feeling like your skull is being split open with an ax. writhing in pain, rubbing your head, begging for mercy, and you certainly cant think straight!!!!!!

was it because i drank too much coffee? stared at a screen for too long? had too low net calories?

louis cuCK says “you dont get to tell someone that you didnt really hurt them, that its all in their head. if they feel they were hurt by you, their feelings are valid.” which is a good point from that weak pathetic degenerate man, but…..what if they are way off? what if it is a YUUUGE misunderstanding? and they dont want to talk to you at ALL to figure out that misunderstanding?

i can see if it were something blatant like CHEATING. where you do something that you KNOW is BAD, and you HIDE it, until one day youre found out, but you couldnt stop because you were too cowardly and weak and muh dik. OBVIOUSLY thats hurting somebody and theres not a lot of room for misunderstanding there.

you cant say, oh you MISUNDERSTOOD, when i fooked that other bitch i wasnt ACTUALLY “CHEATING” on you.

but you can say, you misunderstood, when i was acting all weird and different, i wasnt actually BETRAYING you, i just had feelings I wanted to express to you and a serious talk i wanted to have. people change.

i was mocking this shitty univ of phoenix commercial where this hard working black man with a young son went to work at his working class job during the day, then slowly got his Degree at Night Online, and graduated to the type of job where he now wears a Tie, instead of a Cintas Uniform. the little black boy watches his father putting on the tie and mimics the motions himself. puuuuuukkkkkeeee. then we see the man in a classroom, raising his hand and looking all thoughtful. very triggering commercial for me hahahaha.

i said, yeah guess what little boy, you are still black slaves, only now your father has to take out a 50k loan and go to skool for like 6 years to prove himself worthy of a new kind of slavery.

“learning” stupid shit you dont need college for and he could easily learn from his Warehouse job or whatever.

raising his hand in class: “I’d like to raise a discussion point, Doctor Business Professor. Perhaps we could increase profitability and cut costs by cutting all our full time workers, and making those positions into $10 an hour seasonal or part time jobs. We could also save millions of dollars a year by not training them. there’s no shortage of people willing to work for 10DAH. also we can switch to a shitter health plan for the 10% of our employees who actually are eligible for the health plan, and make them pay more in premiums (whatever it is they take out of your paycheck.) we fire the 10 DAH part time people who dont learn fast enough and keep the ones who do for as long as possible. get rid of as many full time people as possible. get as many h1b visa people as possible. outsource the lowest jobs to thrid party vendors, MBS or whatever, people making 8 DAH to answer phones and give awful service. make shit as confusing as possible with the fine print so you can really hook customers with GOTCHA type bullshit. make shit leaner. more agile. hahahaha. give customers the runaround and laugh all the way to the bank. ”

and then write 100 page paper stating all the above in stupid business speak hahaha.

well if thats what you gotta do to get a 20 DAHJ where you go to meetings and dont have a constantly ringing phone, its worth it, right?

also i really K’d myself trying to learn that stupid job. i would come home and study and worry for hours off the clock. she never studied. she just smoked MJ and said go with the flow. fook that shit. she didnt know how anything worked. yet management and everybody luved her because she is a purty gurl!!!!! then she got mad at ME because i was stressed about the job and she wasnt! that makes me a bad guy somehow. oh well he wasnt the person i thought he was. story of my life. you cant trust these betraying men! theyre never the people you think they are!

yet i was trying to talk to her, and she was trying to avoid me. i might have been scared to confess an Inconvenient Truth, but I was NOT trying to Actively Avoid it, like she was!!!!!!!!!

no one would deny that communication is one of the most important things in any rel. i desperately wanted TO communicate, she desperately wanted NOT to commnicate. thus the rel was DOOMED. no doubt about it. it was not meant to be. the LORD is telling me, she is not the one for me.  find a woman who DOES want to communicate with you. period.

whats the deal when someone always thinks people are betraying them when they’re not? you say that person is PARANOID and they have TRUST ISSUES. they dont trust people they should trust. its SAD really.

its just frustrating because she USED to trust me, i saw her trust other people, and TRY with other people. i thought our rel was meaningful enough for her to TRY. i didnt think she would ever want to end the rel this way. you dont be friends with someone for 3 years and not MEAN anything to them!!!!!!

yeah i should have blatantly said WE NEED TO TALK, I AM BOTHERED BY SOMETHING. Yeah i learned out of all this that i need to get better about saying that.

REGARDLESS, me being bad at saying that DIDNT give her the right to hurt me like that, and also does not justify her AVOIDING me for 10 months.

she COULD have said YES to one of the times i asked her; or she COULD have said oh i cant this saturday, but what about sunday or next saturday would be fine. or we could watch tv show on wednesday night 🙂  that kind of shit.

if they really want to hang out with you and arent just blowing you off forever, they will suggest alternatives.

although they do really like it when men are decisive. and i would be. i would say hay how bout i take you to dinner on saturday, i’ll buy. and she would hem and haw. at that point i was being direct and decisive and if she wanted to go, she would say YAAAAASSSSSS or suggest an alternative at that point: oh sorry im going to dinner with my family  that day but we could go sunday or friday or hang out after dinner. rather than oh i cant i have plans, maybe some other time, then me saying okkkkkkkk like a beta and waiting 2 weeks to ask again because to ask once a week is too pushy. then getting the same damn answer in 2 weeks. repeat pattern for 10 months. COME ON.

yeah i should have read THOSE signals but still. jsut write me a damn letter baby.

did 8 miler hehehe.

anyway i hate when people i used to be close to, have the wrong idea about me, and HATE me for the wrong reason, and wrongly think i betrayed them, and they wont let me try to explain things, cuz they think what i did was SO wrong, so they go ballistic on me. not that this happens very often hahaha. but when it does it kills me. i cant talk to them cuz they dont want to talk to me. because what i did was that bad.

well theres some cheaters and abusers who are honestly in denial so bad, they dont even realize they are doing horrible things. they think what theyre doing isnt so bad, when its in fact horrific. is that what im doing? i dont think so.

so its her problem. her  problem for being PARANOID and STUBBORN and completely closed and unwilling. can lead the horse to water but this horse refuses to DRINK.  but you always think, did i REALLY do EVERYTHING i COULD? but she BLOCKED me tho. that is a clear message: stop contacting me, because i wont read it. i dont want to hear anything you have to say.

and i dont like being HATED for the WRONG REASONS and they REFUSE to listen to me, and it was a VERY IMPORTANT rel to me, and it was to them at one point too. it didnt USED to always be so one sided. yet now shes like, that piece of shit, i never really knew him, glad to get that piece of shit out of my life!

so then i go to the fatclub. i see tons of young women where i say, if she were MY daughter, id never let her out of the house looking like that! like this 20 year old girl in perfect shape wearing the tiniest shorts i have ever seen! its smaller than underwear or a tiny bathing suit. NOBODY should dress like that IN PUBLIC!!!!!! i dont care if their body looks good enough to flaunt it! have some respect!

then i thought, i blame their fathers. i wouldnt let MY daughter out of the house looking like that! and every gurl looks like that!

so why are their parents divorced? because their father is a legit deadbeat? or because their mother is an Unreasonable Psycho who kicked a Good Man out of their childrens life? did a good man wrong? was very unfair to a good decent man? did you REALLY have to dump that man?

i think well 66% of divorces are initiated by women, fine, but how many of those are for legit reasons, and how many are the unholy FRIVOLOUS DIVORCE or “frivorce” as dalrock calls them. the idk lol eat pray luv midlife crisis divorce cuz the hamster is not haaaaaaapppppyyyy and they are not willing to work on it.

that paints a HORRIBLE picture of women; most women arent like that, ARE THEY? maybe these fatherless gurls exposing their bodies in public, maybe their fathers were just deadbeats who DESERVED to be kicked to the curb!

or was their mother just a YUGE bitch?!?!?!?! unfairly depriving their children of the father they NEED?

honestly its not that hard to dress respectfully at the Gym. they could wear the same thing as I do and that would be fine: a large baggy t shirt and largish Gym shorts that go down to the knee. oh but then you look like a Dyke. so what. i do see some young attractive women dressed in more modest gym clothes thank god.

basically just wear something thats not tiny or skin tight. how fookin hard is that? you cant have Body Dismorphia basically showing your naked body to strangers. its so weird and wrong. triggering. does not make for a relaxing experience. so i turn up muh nationalist fascist rock and go harder.

then i see a handsome young man near me going 9.3 mph. i was like SHIT he doesnt even LOOK like hes going that fast. of course hes way taller but still. so now im like fook i gotta try 9.3 for a minute. i did 9.0 earlier and i thought THAT was ridiculous.  cuz i was getting annoyed by the albanian or arab young man near me going so fast he was stomping and pounding loudly on the treadmill because he had to be going at least 9 mph. so then i say, welp im just as manly as them, i can do 9 or 9.3 mph too, also gotta distract myself from the 20 year old girl in front of me with her tight pants painted on her ass.

hahahaha. triggers everywhere.

and then weird or annoying men getting RIGHT NEXT to me when there are plenty of treadmills open.

and then god forbid they start talking on their phone. people will have a damn 30 minute conversation on their phone on the treadmill. its even more annoying if they are a nonwhite speaking in arabic or albanian. though the other day i heard a white woman speaking polish or russian and that was annoying too. its just common courtesy of having a long phone conversation in a very public place. i would never do it.

or going in the locker room and older men just standing around naked. i know i already complained about this. but at least make an effort to put some damn underwear on. be moving to do that. otherwise you seem like a fooking barely closeted pervert who likes other men seeing him naked. go to a damn gay bathhouse already. they prob do.

back to the young girls wearing inapprop clothing. they probably have been doing this for years.i mean in the 80s there were 20 year old girls in the gym waering spandex and men staring at their asses. its got to be a combination of: youthful vanity, no father (for whatever reason), just not knowing any better, going along wth the crowd, women are herd sheeple types, and also marketing. ie, when they go to buy gym clothes, most of the gym clothes are tight indecent clothes. you have to really dig to find the modest stuff. but its not FASHIONABLE. its more FASHIONABLE or POPULAR to look like a whore hahahaha. but it really is.

and also moving the Window of Public Perception, so that this is not looking like a whore, this is NORMAL. its NORMAL for women to be dressed like this. well then its just as normal for men to stare and ogle. and then i remember that is impolite and i control myself and stop staring. and then shake my damn head that these gurls dont have fathers who teach them not to dress like that.

we dont have to be like MUDSLIMS covering women head to toe! i really dont like that view of women, even though women are somewhat of a PANDORAS BOX who need to be kept in line. so keep them in line by making your daughter wear baggy non revealing clothing!!!!

keep your daughter at home until she finds a decent man to marry! and of course get involved with those decisions. if shes interested in a badboy deadbeat, say FOOK NO. NOT ON MY WATCH!

but when you put the hammer down like that, dont the children rebel? run away and become whores anyway? well you tried. thats on the kid then hahaha.

like my family tried so hard, but i was just troubled, defective hahaha. theres nothing they could do to fix me.  hahahaha. but yeah it still feelsbadman to be a defective person hahahaha.