heh back up 2 pounds again even though i have been technically under muh calorie limit every day. must be water weigh. drink 32 oz of coffee before getting on the scale hahahaha. i hope so.

guys on fatherland made very good point: how would you feel if you met a decent gurl and she said: well from the ages of 15 to 25 I was watching sleazy and degen porno every single day and rubbin it out and flickin the bean to sleazy degen porno every day for 10 years.

wouldnt you be a bit taken aback by that? well she might not be a slut but youd think this has to affect her in some way.

they are vehemently antiporn and so am i. i am ashamed i ever looked at it and its hard to get away from altogether. but i recommend my fellow neets just shut it down entirely. delete everything, quit it cold turkey. nothing good can come of it. short term or ESPECIALLY long term. like they say, it “rewires your brain” so you cant get off to regular normal secs, that you dont even KNOW what normal secs is. because 99.99 of your secsual experiences have been beating off to sleazy degen MIND CONTROL rather than with real women. just imagine the sleazy merchant rubbing his hands…..BECAUSE HE REALLY LITERALLY IS.  I WONDER WHO COULD BE BEHIND THIS.

so she thought i betrayed her but i really didnt. but i can convince her i didnt because she refuses to listen to me. so ahhhh what. DID i really betray her? sometimes you feel betrayed when a gurl fooks other guys, then you say babe i feel you betrayed me when you fooked that other guy then she says THATS YOUR ISSUE, we arent even dating, weve just been casually hanging out and chilling for a few months, i can fook other guys, didnt you know that? no i didnt betray you, this isnt a real rel.

see thats an example of bullshit. the gurl says i didnt betray you, but yeah you KINDA DID.

i hope im not doing that. saying i didnt betray her, but YEAH I KINDA DID.

but getting feelings for a friend of 2+years, and fooking around with side dick in a bullshit casual hang out secs rel, are two VERY DIFF THINGS. APPLES AND ROTTEN ORANGES.

so i sat in church and thought about it. ruminated.

so if youre having casual sexs with a guy but hes in luv with you and doesnt want you fooking other guys, uhhh the right thing to do is to call him and tell him youre going to fook another guy before you do it. not hide it because you figure its none of his business.

so the right thing to do when you get feelings for a friend is TELL them. not hide it? i wasnt hiding it though, i was signaling and hinting like mad. and i wanted to tell her. i didnt NOT want to tell her. and i thought we would eventually hang out and talk. i figured THAT was way more likely than her cutting me off entirely!

ok so they are both moral gray areas, right? but “pseudocheating” is MORE shady because you are actually taking a direct action that is gonna hurt someone. getting feelings for someone is less of an action. also it doesnt involve a third party.

its less “SHADY” to develop feelings for someone. its positive feelings for a person. your heart opens to them. you dont want to trick or hurt or lie to just want to luv them. you dont want to keep them in their little box while you go flex MUH SIDE DICK FREEDUMZ.

see how fooked up your mind gets? you become unsure if having feelings for someone is as morally wrong as pseudocheating on a guy who likes you. or a girl. who is more justified in feeling BETRAYED?

ok what do the experts on the internet say. i think my shrink confirmed that getting feelings for a friend was not considered BETRAYING them.

hehehe a bti of tangent. author sez the worst kidn of betrayal is one person gradually disengaging and disconnecting, one day at a time. well that kinda describes what SHE did to ME hahahaha. just slowly stop caring, while the other person keeps caring.

not sure what the fix to this is. author was unclear. i would guess open, honest, complete communication.


What is betrayal in a relationship?
Betrayal is a breaking of trust and goodwill in a relationship that can take a long time to heal from and can leave us changed forever. It has broken marriages, ended long term friendships and created rifts in families that can span generations.

What is the definition of betrayal in a relationship?
Betrayal’s root is betray, which comes from the Middle English word bitrayen — meaning “mislead, deceive.” Betrayal has to do with destroying someone’s trust, possibly by lying. If you start dating your best friend’s girlfriend behind his back, that’s an act of betrayal.


all the search results assume you know youve actually been betrayed. not asking whether or not x is considered betrayal. hmmm. BUT according to those definiteions…..

well i broke her trust in me, and her goodwill towards me. i continued to have trust and goodwill to her, but that is irrelevant, cuz i betrayed her, she didnt betray ME. well except by slowly stopping caring about me hahaha.

i dunno. i just hate the thought that i BETRAYED someone.

well according to the second definition: i did not LIE or mislead or deceive her. i was just…..scared to tell the whole truth. i hinted at the truth. i never explicitly DENIED the truth. if she had asked me, do you like me, i would have to say yes!!!!! i would not say no!!!!!’s-Betrayal

step 1 is ask yourself if it was a MISUNDERSTANDING. uh yeah i think it WAS!!!!!! and we could have gotten to the bottom of this MISUNDERSTANDING by talking about it.

well there was no misunderstanding that i liked her, it was her misunderstanding that me liking her constituted a betrayal or not.

just like some beta pvssy misunderstanding that the slut hes banging is allowed to bang other guys. you THINK its a betrayal but its really NOT.

yeah well again i must say: in the good old traditional days, being promiscuous and nonmonogamous was RIGHTLY considered DEGENERATE AND WRONG AND IMMORAL.

in the good old traditional days, falling in luv with a female friend would not be considered DEGENERATE at ALL. unfortunate and sad and tragic, but not degenerate.

but if shes convinced its a betrayal AND shes not willing to talk to me about it, theres nothing i can do. yes dr nerdluv, i STOPPED contacting her. phaggot.

google EXAMPLES of betrayal. ok


Loss of the Illusion. Even more confusing, however, is that sometimes loss can be the loss of an illusion. Frequently, we develop in our minds the way we think things “should” be. However, reality doesn’t always correspond with the demands that we put on life, ourselves, and others. Therefore, sometimes we are hurt when we have to face this reality. For instance, imagine children who grow up in the fortunate experience of having parents who always put the needs of their children first. But what they don’t know is that their parents are unhappy together. Those children become young adults and are confronted with their parents telling them that they are getting a divorce. Frequently, those children feel betrayed by the illusion of the happy family they always thought they had. Suddenly they are confronted with a hurtful reality.

Another example is that a man marries a woman and thinks of her as a virtuous, moral person. Later he finds out that she had numerous [i.e., 30+ hehehehehehehehe] sexual encounters prior to their relationship. He has lost his concept of how he thought of his wife. He feels betrayed even though she didn’t do anything to break her committed to him; his sense of betrayal is the loss of the illusion of how he thought of his wife.

However, even if the betrayal is the loss of the illusion, the grief is very real and needs to be dealt with. Sometimes this is hard to do because the person is told and believes that they shouldn’t feel so strongly about something that was not an actual betrayal of them. So with this type of loss a person is often tempted to move on too quickly without resolving it.   ”

it was kind of a secret, but a secret i WANTED to tell her. but i was SCARED to say it blatantly, (thats on me, fine) but also i think it IS reasonable to have a Safe Secure Space to tell such an important secret, not blurting it out in the middle of a stressful day of work. but rather, hanging out one on one with the mutual intent of having an uninterrupted conversation. i will NEVER think thats unreasonable. also i will NEVER admit that me getting feelings for her was WRONG. so i guess that answers my question right there.

theres a difference between hiding something degenerate, and being scared to shout out something nondegenerate.

so i tried a “pressure release valve” in other ways, like totally changing the way i acted with her, namely, being more lovey dovey, more soft and tender and faggy. yeah in hindsight i know women dont like soft and faggy. but i was just acting like i cared about her more, was more interested in her all of the sudden, because i was. and i know she noticed the change in my behavior. she could have wanted to talk about that, but she didnt. because she probably KNEW what it signified, and she really didnt want that to happen, because it Shattered her illusion that I would never ever get feelings for her.

so uhhhh its good to talk abotu Contingency Plans BEFORE anybody gets feelings, on how youre gonna talk about it, IF somebody gets feelings. check in early and check in often. communicate about it.

i was the goodest goy. meaning i played right into the enemy’s greedy rubbing hands:

good goy, yes enjoy the herbal j00, its not a drug its a medicine, that helps you RELAX and EXPAND YOUR MIND in a safe holistic way, goy. realizing YEARS later when i am a huge loser that herbal J is not so kewl.

good goy yes, theres nothing wrong with pronography, its all consenting adults, and this is a safe healthy way to Explore Sexuality, which can only be good! yes goy the more porn the better. realizing YEARS later that pron is just godawful horrible filth that needs to be first in the oven.

yes goy good goy, rebel against those hateful arrogant christians, they are so closed minded and hateful, become a smart intellectual intelligent atheist. how dare they say that gays go to hell, gays are nice people. how dare they damn you to hell for liking to beat the mean to pron.

this was unfortunate too. it was prob my rebellion against the church that came before all others and got me on the path of J degeneracy. what i was too young and stupid to realize was, i agreed with 90% of the morals and values of the church. in terms of being a good person, doing the right thing, not being a degenreate slut. but I had to rebel against those good moral values just because there was the stamp of GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD all over it.

what I’m saying is, these values are not limited to a christian god. and even today I like to try to Morally Justify them without “because Goooooooddddddddd”. in other words, you dont need to be a christian to hate degeneracy and pron and sluttery and all that.

but when i was young i figured everything the religion said was bad, so i rebelled against it all. i rebelled against virtue and goodness and became a disgusting evil nihilist degenerate!!!!!!!!!! and reveled in all sorts of decadent J00ish degeneracy that sure as hell made schlomo rub his hands and say yessssssss gooooood goy!!!!!!

and then i said, well the VALUES/VIRTUES they talked about in church are not bad at all, these are the good traditional morals I support.

but they arent TIED to one religion.

when i was young i didnt see how i could reject the religion without rejecting the values! so i became a piece of degen filth. and for this reason i am damaged goods and i really dont DESERVE a pure innocent woman, because im not pure or innocent either.

well in my credit i never did gay sex or promiscuous gay sex, standard fook parties hahahaha. and i never hurt people or treated people like disposable meat. other than the lost soul gurls in the porno i watched. most of the damage i did to myself. i didnt really hurt others.

thankfully i got tired of that nihilistic lifestyle and came back to the traditional values. realizing that i didnt have to be religious.

but by that time i was more tolerant of the religion and figured they might not be so bad if they agreed with me so much on these moral issues.

i just as a teen had a real NON SERVIAM!!!! reaction to god this and jesus that. the shit wasnt even really that BAD in hindsight. i dont know what my damn problem was. i think i just wanted to find a group to fit in with. or i wanted to impress GIRLS somehow. and i liked being aa rebel. so just rebel against everything, even good right minded stuff. rebel just to rebel. stupid.  rebelled against good stuff that would have helped me become a successful adult with good job, good wife, children, all the stuff i want now.

so yeah in a way i am born again, a prodigal son, etc.

i was not a good enough man to deserve a good woman like her!

well at least i can be SURE that if i ever have feelings for a woman again (probably wont, getting too old hahaha) that i will nip it in the bud re the problem of feelings hahahaha.

write a fooking email and have your mom send it, i dont care. delegate your mom to be your liaison to me. i was never flipping out with angry or weird emails. i just wrote long and sappy emails.

no i NEVER said if you leave me / dont respond to me i will “do something crazy” or K self. NEVER said that. never WOULD say anything like that EVER. before you accuse me hahaha.

shit to be shown PITY would be much better than getting NOTHING. have PITY for the pathetic, pitiful person you are dumping, and show them that PITY.  normally getting pity is not great but its better than being thrown away like a piece of shit!

CARE enough to TRY to EXPLAIN yourself.

there were red flags, there were warnings and hints, things were obviously bad. i just didnt think they were THIS bad, that she was SO CLOSE to doing something SO drastic! give me an ULTIMATUM at least. this is the type of thing that needs an ultimatum delivered beforehand: you do this, and i will cut you off entirely. but there was no ultimatum given. that would involve serious communication.

if there WERE, then i probably would have told her my “secret” then!

had some nyquil, abut 65% dose at 640pm. yikes. taking night off of fatclub, it is 12 degrees out there, -3 with wind chill. also i am under my 1560 calories today.

shit. with all the porno i watched, i would be equally morally degenerate as a woman whose taken X cox. 10? 20? 30? god damn i shudder to think.

maybe if somebody explained it to me that way. that by looking at this porno, thats the equivalent of a lost soul slut taking yet another cok to fill the void inside.

cuz even at my most degen, i never really liked sluts. because they would “cheat” on you, lose interest in you quickly, give up on you quickly, youre nothing special to them, they’ll leave you for another guy quickly. that or they will bang every guy BUT you hahaha. no i never defended sluttiness. even if i defended pornography.

well i think i always felt SOMETHING that porno was not all schlomo said it was hahaha. that there is just SOMETHING not good about it. but muh dick. muh dick needs to quickly get off now. erry day.

think about it. list the pros and cons of pron. if somebody even just asked me: DOES THIS HAVE ANY ACTUAL BENEFITS? What is honestly GOOD about this?

all you can say is that it is some hawt shit that gets your dik roc hard and so horny and you wish you could do THAT with a gurl.

but as you graduate into the weirder shit…..i mean thats not really what secs IS. even if gurls all do buttfooking now in 2016 hahahaha.

anyway. what GOOD does the porn do? and guys look at it every DAY. and have TERBYTES of it saved. organized into FOLDERS. looking for HOURS to find the perfect picture or video to Finish With. yet you cant even TALK To real life women and you have not touched a real woman in YEARS. shit yeah thats a problem.

yes, its less degen for a man to go to a HOOKER, than to look at goddamn PRON. i WISH, instead of looking at pron for years, i just would have gone to a hooker once in a while.

cuz its real secs, and really interacting with a person. experiencing the real world.

welp im sure that if you go to a hooker you will probably look at porn too. how many people only go to hookers but DONT look at porn.

point is, going to a hooker once a year or once every 3 months is WAY better than beating off to porn every day.

also, think of successful men you admire with wives and families. think THEY were always beating off to PORN? its horrible stuff. but i figured it was ok because the CHURCH said it was bad, and oh those idiots think EVERYTHING is a SIN. NON SERVIAM!!!!!

regardless of being a sin, it would be degenerate and horrible even for atheist faggots. it was harmful to me when i was an antitheist faggot!

so i used the date of 10/15/15 as the last time i looked at pron, which is a very ruff estimate. it was PROBABLY earlier, like oct 1, or sept 15. and added that to my “days since” spreadsheet so i can say its been 187 days since shit hit the fan with HER, 153 days since ive sent the last ever email to her, (34 days in between in which 2 additional emails sent),  13 days since got a haircut, 94 days since i last looked at pron (ruff, low estimate), and….1 day since i last…..uh beat the meat hahahaha. thinking of some semi random semi attractive gurl I used to work with hahaahaha. who had a good body and wuld be fun to fook. had no feelings towards her, talked to her like 2 times, and nothing in depth. doubt she even knew my name. imagined vigorous but hopefully not to degen secs. the goal is to now go cold turkey on that and see if my “testosterone” builds up. because it goes down to 0 whenever you beat off (CITATION NEEDED HAHAHAHA)!!!!! and takes 100 days to get back to 100% again. hahahaha.

known knowns. unknown knowns. unknown unknowns. known unknowns.

this is the type of stuff donald rumsfeld would rustle jimmies with but it certainly rustled jimmies at my job. you dont know what you dont know. you dont even know if what you’re thinking of exists or CAN exist.

so unknown knowns are the hardest to conceptualize.

well maybe not. like when you see something, and you say, i have no idea what this, or whats going on here, or what to do about it. but i might as well do something so i can buy myself some time to bullshit some speculation on it.