MYSTERIES OF SUFFERING: JUST ACCEPT U WILL NEVER MAKE SENSE OF IT

0111

yeah buddy. being a damn anorexic starving myself and exercising like mad, yet still gaining weight hahahaha.

also when it comes to getting women, your personality matters more than your body. there are plenty of guys who are in good shape who STILL cant get women cuz their personalities are boring or beta or gamma or sigma or omega hahaha.

oh well. best not to disqualify whatever achievements ive made w losing weight. i hit an all time low recently, then when i weighed in 6 days later i have gained like 1.2 pounds. DAMN. i HOPE it was “water weight.”

i dunno. i think SOME women have SOME agency on SOME things. when a woman really wants something, she gets it. they have enough agency to get masters degrees and careers and chad thundercox and tyrones and to beg tyrone not to cheat on them.

also, to make such a concerted effort to AVOID someone is also an act of agency.

so, she had AGENCY, she just had no desire or will. she was ABLE but NOT WILLING.

morally this is not as bad as cheating, but it is just confusing and demoralizing as FOOK. makes it real easy to blame myself and not blame her enough. so its effects on ME are probably WORSE than cheating. cuz then i could just say good riddance to that cheating degen b, im too good for that! now, i say, o god i drove her to do this with my complete unmanliness and unworthiness and weakness! if i were more of a man, this would have worked out!

weird. just abandoning someone is not as bad as cheating, but it hurts worse than cheating?

well we never had the type of rel where she could “cheat” on me anyway, cuz we were never going out.

well we did have the type of rel where she could abandon me and throw me away! and she sure did!

so she thinks of me as a little bitch piece of shit because i didnt handle the situation LIKE A MAN. therefore its my fault and she doesnt HAVE to respond to me at all.

david bowie died. well he was pretty degenerate but he had some good songs didne? definitely an Icon. and he himself was white. but he had a huge fag past hahahaha and a nonwhite wife and probably mixed children with her?

i mean as far as alternative hipster artsy fag music david bowie was on my list of to-listen to more deeply explore the deep cuts of his non pleb tier albumz. what was the album? heroes? alladin sane? i hear his super early folkish stuff was ok too. prob worth have been worth seeing live, but i never did. not even sure last time he came here. had to be over 10 years ago.

i HATE being confused and i have been more CONFUSED the past year or so than i have ever been. confusion and chaos reigned from mid 2014, thru all of 2015. it sucked! it sucks! its stressful and wears you down and its no fun, makes you a weaker man, a worse degenerater person. i didnt understand my job, we were confused all the time. all the time. shit would go wrong and youd have no explanation for it, so you had to make up bullshit theories on the spot. i would temper that with “….but thats just speculation, an educated guess.” when i was not within earshot of a higher up who would then send me an IM saying “never speculate, it can come back to bite us.”

ok tell me what TO do then. oh just tell them we dont know, and we cant fix it.

i hated that.

and the shit was just as if not more confusing with HER. i had never experienced something like this. i didnt know what to do, i didnt know how to interpret it, or how to deal with it, what to think about it. it just destroyed and devastated me and i couldnt deny that real feeling. but what else could i learn from it, take out of it, deal with it, move on from it? i had no idea. total confusion. was it my fault? her fault? could i win her back? its not like we ever were dating in the first place! it was unlike previous things i had with women. yet the slutty trashy women i was stupidly in love with, treated me nicer than the good decent woman i was right to be in love with.

the General Standard Dynamic had become me being nice and sweet and faggy to her, and asking her every 2 weeks if she wanted to hang out, her giving a noncommittal answer, me saying ok sorry i dont want to bother you. over and over again. yeah i was weak and faggy and unmanly! does that mean i deserved being treated like GARBAGE? i dont think so! i wouldnt treat ANYBODY like that!

so i wouldnt want to be in a rel with somebody so IMMATURE. but she WASNT immature with the other guys!!!!! she TRIED with them!!!! she TALKED to them!

and i blame myself, becuase i was so unmanly and weak and faggy and SUPPLICATING, that she didnt want to TRY with me.

a large part of the supplicating came from waiting too long.

but yeah. so fookin stupid. hate this shit. it always comes back to this: YEAH I ADMIT I WAS A WEAK LITTLE B but she STILL could have treated me better EVEN if she wanted to avoid dealing with the situation. her sending ONE SHORT message would have saved me months and tons of pain. we wouldnt even need a conversation. she could just say sorry im done i cant do this sorry youre not a bad person but we cant talk any more its over and i cant respond to you after this.

well maybe it could have been WORSE, like her sending me a real bitchy message and THEN shutting the door. like you are the weakest piece of shit ever and dont deserve a woman as good as me, hope you die alone and k youself you pathetic scumbag.

that might have been worse hahahaha. ok time for fatclub YET AGAIN.

0112

google how to learn how to do your job when everybody bitches at you for asking for help and nothing is written down and you cant make mistakes because then youll get fired

google how to not be like private pyle in full metal jacket

welp some things in life will always be MYSTERIES. we will NEVER understand. the more we TRY to understand, the more CONFUSED and FRUSTRATED and ANXIOUS we get.  I think I am experiencing one of those great MYSTERIES. its a sorrowful or suffering sort of mystery, like the Agony in the Garden or the Scourging at the Pillar or Christ Is Nailed To The Cross. when you say a proper Rosary, it’s all about these sets of MYSTERIES.

dont want to harp on that religious aspect TOO much but it is relevant. but also to really understand the MYSTERY aspect of this: meaning, you can think and think and feel and think and feel and cognition and intuit and meditate and analyze and overthink and turn over and meditate and ruminate about these things………but you will never MAKE SENSE of it.

just accept the suffering and accept you wont make sense of it. thats what a mystery is. the mystery will be forever unsolved.

shit yeah you want to solve it. you (and I!!!!) HATE being confused, HATE not understanding, ESPECIALLY when it causes SO much stress and suffering. you want to use your Human Intellect, a Gift from GOD, to solve your problems, and alleviate your suffering and confusion. you’re smart enough to figure this out……aren’t you?!?!?!?! you have a 100 IQ……dont you?!?!?!?!

you WANT to figure things out. and i have been SWAMPED with confusion for the past year and a half, if not 2 years. first regarding the constant confusions and mysteries of muh stupid confusing job, then the confusing shit with her. i wanted to figure out the damn confusion. i cant be faulted for that.

but this shit with her, i have less chance of making sense of, than the stupid shit at my job.

but this doesnt mean i cant take anything out of it! i can still learn from it!

namely, dont do this again hahahaha. if i have feelings for a woman, tell her AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

see this was the first time i even got feelings for a female friend though.

if you do the standard modern degen shit of fook first, get to know them later if ever, its understandable how some Naive People Like Moi get feelings. “awwww. what a nice guy to get feelings. but its just casual secs.” on some level they KNOW that having secs and going through the motions of casual dating run the RISK of SOMEBODY getting feelings, so its not super SURPRISING if someone DOES get feelings.

IMHO this is natural and right, NOT naive and old fashioned. old fashioned is BEST fashioned anyway.

well id also argue that its not HORRIBLY SURPRISING that someone could eventually get feelings in a man woman friendship either!!!!!!!!!

see, im trying to FIGURE IT OUT again!!!!!!

so the lesson learned is what i figured out pretty quickly:

WE NEED TO TALK

BLURT IT OUT

I HAVE FEELINGS 4 U

PLEASE RESPOND TO THAT.

THE END.

what else. there was a guy on trs forums i think in the depression thread where he gave some very insightful advice, and examples showing how he would take a thought, then run with it. blow every thought up and make it the end of the world. i do the same thing.

anyway i went to look for it then was sidetracked for an hour on newer TRS poasts hahahahahahaha. and still didnt find it.

hmm now at all time low of 163.8 pounds, down from 167 3 days ago. i guess i fluctuate that madly hahahaha.

http://paintyourpanda.blogspot.com/2014/12/depression-and-stressmood-disorders.html

anyway the TRS guy said that he said STAHPPPPP to the Repetitive Negative Thoughts, and simply began to think of everything in terms of GREENTEXT, which you will have to read chans and forums to really GROK how 2 greentext. basically its a mixture of detachment, brevity, stoicism (arguably), and smartass humor. take the most horrendous thing and reduce it to a smartass 1 sentence of greentext.

trs oldforum thread on dealing with despair

the long poast by user anomolous. there it is. perhaps some of that is not 100% TRS is, but i really liked what he said and how he said it.

ok heres the quote

QUOTE

Anomalous about a month ago
The most powerful function of the human mind is its ability to alter itself. Right now, there is quite a bit of research being done on augmented reality technologies. Essentially, I put on the special anti-problem glasses and wherever I go, I see beautiful 2Dwaifus instead of aposematic, fat-positive, sluts. Obviously this technology has many other, more productive applications, but the point is that it’s a filter you place over top of your perception.

This can be accomplished without technology. I wouldn’t call it a form of delusion or self-deception, but it does require you to consciously apply the filter to your perception at first. With time it becomes natural.

There are many filters that work for different people. There’s the aforementioned 2Dwaifu filter, the Jesus filter, the dude weed lmao filter, and countless others.

The filter that works for me, and the one that I’d prescribe to just anybody who browses TRS is the >greentext filter.

Basically, I think in >greentext. Everything that I perceive must pass through the >greentext filter before I acknowledge it. In my experience, the >greentext filter has the effect of mitigating big problems through mockery and exaggerating small events. There a lot of people out there who live by the philosophy, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. These people are idiots who fail to grasp the path to living a truly hilarious life. The point of the >greentext filter is to revel in complete contempt for what may seem like big issues while getting hyperbolically worked up over inconsequential minutiae.

Let’s apply the greentext filter to a few scenarios:

Before greentext

Your house burns down

Holy shit, what a tragedy. Everything you’ve worked for up in flames. You are consumed with regret over the fact that you didn’t take out a better insurance policy.

After greentext

Your house burns down
Well top f00king kek. That shack wasn’t even fit to be a designated shitting street. Who even wants to live in a house? Diogenes slept in a barrel and that didn’t stop him from dropping the illest philosophy in Sinope. I wonder if this is the fault of the J00z or Muslims?

Let’s try another scenario:

Before greentext

I’m twenty-eight years old and I’ve never so much as held hands with a girl.

Oh my god I’m such a failure. What am I doing wrong to deserve such a cruel fate? All of the women around are awful and completely beneath me, but not even they will give me the time of die. Maybe I should go read /r/theredpill or something.

After greentext

tfwnogf (ever)
ayy lmao, >implying I’d want one of these roastie whores anyway. All these normies are just slaves to the vaginal jew. Yes sir, I have truly ascended beyond such degeneracy. With my 27 foot long lamia monstergirl dakimakura, I am a fully superior being experiencing emotional depth that those mortals could not begin to comprehend.

Now to demonstrate how this works with the small stuff.

Before greentext

Hmm, I have this extra pair of sperrys lying around that I could use as indoor shoes

What’s the point? My apartment is smaller than a bangladeshi massage parlor. Why would I even want to wear indoor shoes anyway? This is such a stupid thing to be thinking about. I should be spending more time wallowing in my sorrows and masturbating while using my tears as lubricant.

After greentext

Extra pair of sperrys lying around
Not using them as indoor shoes
Seriously, what kind of pleb doesn’t have a pair of $200 boat shoes to wear around his Cambodian animal husbandry hamlet-sized apartment. The fact that this space is so small only accentuates the self-aware bourgeois pretension of my patrician footwear. I have indoor shoes ngger. Seriously what are you, black or something?

This is how I always think and it’s massively entertaining. You may think that this sort of thinking serves to keep one set in his mediocre circumstances but merely learn to enjoy them, but I’ve found that a spiteful approach to life frequently gives me the impetus to try things that I’d normally be far too passive to participate in since the inertial threshold of effort to enjoyment would otherwise be to high.

Those familiar with Eastern philosophy may realize that this is basically just edgy Buddhism, but I doubt you’ll see many monks advocating it.

END QUOTE

wow that guy is a true autist but he is one of the good ones. i mean i would simplify it to dont sweat the small stuff or the big stuff. that guy is a good writer and thinker tho and deserves a decent white 3d waifu. i dont know about any of that anime shit he talks about. there are some anime people on there. i am not one of them. i do not give a shit. no 2d waifus, no waifu pillows, none of that shit. i dont care about anime. i dont care if the joo fears the japanese samurai and that japan is racially pure. japan is crazy and fooked up in other ways and i would not want to be there. however it is obvious they are the top asians. if i HAD to bang a young asian gurl it would have to japanese. i would of course not produce “Hapa” elliot rodger offspring.  yes i know his mother was chinese or actually malay i think.

i proposed to shrink the thought that had i been more manly, i could have steer our rel differently. shrink made the good point that what i wanted to be was ASSERTIVE and that All Women are not CHILDREN who need to be TOLD and that not all women are brick walls when you try to communicate with them. well i hope so hahahaha.

 

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