AFTER 30 GUYS, U DONT CARE WHOSE C0Q U TAKE OR WHOSE HEART U BREAK

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sheeeeeit.  had dream with her in it, didnt need that. she was cuddling with me in a half hearted, not really into it sort of way.

because i am anxious and ambivalent and neurotic i am always worried about lovers Not Really Loving Me, then i push them away with my Smothering Doubt. Do you really luv me? do you really luv me? hehehehe and they get mad and say well obviously nothing i do will never be enought o convince you! and they leave. but its my fault for not trusting them hahahaha.

BUTTTT the point is, they really did never luv me, so i was RIGHT to doubt their luv! we were never in that kind of rel, of COURSE they didnt LUV me!

so i didnt push her away with pushing of “do you realy luv me? i dont believe you. i dont believe you.”

it was more pushing her away with  “i want to talk about me liking you” and it was clear at that point she didnt like me back so she saw no need to talk about it.

ok. i guess i just wanted to end our Rel in a nicer way. thats a valid wish hahahaha.

but yeah i have a very insecure relationship style anyway where i WOULD eventually suspect the person of losing interest in me and probably push them away with my suspicion. because its been a recurrring problem in muh “rels” with wimmin, that they never had much interest in me to being with.

but Some Women dont need to have much interest in you to have secs with you and show a lot of interest in you for like 2 weeks. and that is just a mindfook for me!!!! well ya sure seemed INTERESTED for those 2 weeks!!!!!! and i liked that!

i jsut hate being so weak with women that i throw my OWN life down the crapper.

well, part of it was due to the job itself. but at least 60% of it was having to work every day with someone who not only rejected me, but Harshy Terribly Meanly Rejected me. when this was the woman i wanted to spend muh life with hhahahahaha.

so this one persnality test says i am “THE COMPOSER.”

but basically the biggest thing of my personality is that i am NEUROTIC. and then introverted hugely. but even MORE hugely neurotic.

and that sucks because you cant put a positive spin on neurotic like you can with introvert. neurotic is just a recipe for being a total loser at life. you will have BIG trouble getting and keeping jobs, women, and friends. you will be constantly tortured by anxiety and doubt and despair and no confidence and generally be a miserable failure virgin mgtow hahahahahaha. never find a white wife. can only pay thai and philippine gurls to bang you.

well at least i have given up pron. it has been a few months since i looked at it. but damn. even just a year ago i was looking at it maybe once a week! thats not a LOT…. but its still probably too much!!!!!!!! and you need to go cold turkey for MONTHS to get your brain back to unpronified mode.

but the composer…..yeah muh neurotic narciss writing blog right here is my main “composition.” GREAT.

and brigning that neuroticism into every rel with women….pushes them away.

i am cool and distant and find it very difficult to get close to people and make new friends…….BUT i also try to be ver nice to people as a rule so they dont think of me as an autistic weirdo. so i am remembered as A Nice Guy rather than a Weirdo Loner Sperg Psycho hahaha.  so they might not know much abotu me but they know i am a nice guy who is easy to get along with and friendly. i was kinda becoming that guy at my job….but then i SNAPPED. i hate SNAPPING.

MW had his Female Panel the other night and i guess there was a troll and he made the video unlisted. im not even sure what happened. maybe a male troll showing his bare ass on webcam? i dont know. dont quote me.

but then there are hardcore mgtows in the comments calling the women bitches and say fook you for using men as disposable cannon fodder, if this is what it means to be a man and man up, i want no part of it, i dont want to be a slave sacrificing my life for a cvnt etc etc etc.

and i am very interested in this debate because i can understand both sides. at this point this guy sounds like a real woman hater, and i would say, well, ideally men and women are complementary, the man doesnt mind sacrificing for his Fair Maiden, because she reciprocates with her LOYALTY and LUV and SUPPORT and being the mother of his children, etc.

when, quite rightly, a mgtow would say to that, yeah but she DOESNT reciprocate with that. she abandons you, leaves you in the lurch, shows you NO loyalty, and STEALS your money and children!!!!!!!!!!!

and then you rebut, well NAWALT, sorry but you married a real shitty woman then sorry abotu that, but really truly NAWALT!

and then you can debate how many NAWALT.

and many mgtows believe that even if NAWALT yet, our society is a slippery slope that enables and pushes all women to BECOME like That: disloyal mercenary parasite thieves. its enough to turn a good woman bad, and until that system changes, men have to AVOID WOMEN.

but ultimately i need women too much to willfully avoid them!

which puts me at risk for getting so desperate that I fall for the spell of one of those evil women! who shows some interest at first but then a few years later, loses the interest and robs me!

shit i would love to have a woman show interest in me for that long hahahaha.

so in other words, IF i actually made ok money, i would be a HUGE target for evil parasite women hahahaha.

now i am a target for nobody except totally batshit borderline women that dont even care that i dont have resources or power; and certainly dont care who they mkae babies with.

in short, i am neurotic and insecure as hell which is a big potential problem for my relships with women (i am much better with men!), and i have always been dumped because they lose interest and didnt REALLY like me; BUT i shouldnt let that fool me into blaming myself for being too needy or clingy, since i wasnt actually THAT needy or clingy, i was well within the NORMAL RANGE for a person who has feelings for another person, and do not deserve to be shamed as needy because of that. tell them well how did YOU act when you were in love with chad thundercock at age 15? you acted like a 15 year old gurl and imagined a life together and drew little hearts and wanted him to be your one and only forever and ever, long term. then you went down a slippery slope, and after 30 guys, you dont care whose cock you take or whose heart you break.

heheheh my female friend seemed to care about the cox she took, but ultimately did not care about breaking MY heart.

MAYBE im overestimating the sluttiness of the average women. and that HONESTLY. maybe even as much as 50% of 25 year old women (i pick 25 as being the median and average of The Twenties) that are 6/10 and above are not promiscuous sluts with over 30 partners who take cox and break hearts very casually! maybe half of them take sex and rels seriously, have had under 5 partners, date only within their race, are not into weird open relationships and nonmongamy.

in other words, 50% of The Dating Pool of 25 Year old Single White Women, are Decent.

bbbbbut that sounds a little high, how abotu 25%?

how about 37.5%?

so yeah the mgtows call the “alt right” people white knight pvssy worshippers and the alt right calls the mgtows omega loser butthurt neckbeard basement phaggots.

right now i am more on the side of alt right but i understand the mgtow frustration. and i think we shouldnt wife up bitches and whores even white ones…….but the alt right isnt saying we SHOULD anyway! they would say wife up and have lots of kids with a decent white woman! well i certainly agree with that. and they are certainly quick to shame shameful behavior and not “save a ho” with degenerate white bitches.

on the other hand, maybe degenerate white bitches would make ideal partners for omega white males like me hahahaha.

fookin neurotic. how is that even factored into your PERSONALITY. theres nothing GOOD about it. nobody wants a neurotic. neurotic is inherently antiwhite and omega and weak. yet its the largest most prevailing part of muh personality.

i mean yeah the neurotic stuff sucks and i have a lot but i have good stuff too. like i am moral and kind and loving and smart and shit. i am the composer. like beethoven. or wagner hahahaha. but not with music. fook music its degenerate.

so why cant i compose up a successful business or something hahahaha.

also i think a extraverted neurotic will do better than an introverted neurotic.

hehehe i am prob very much like millennial woes personality wise. he was a neet loser in despair and unemployable, but now he is truly turning his life around and becoming the man he was born to be.

but you know he has been in despair because he dresses shabbily and smokes too many cigarets and doesnt care about his health and appearance enough. even though he is a handsome man! more handsome than me! they joke he is a 5’2 manlet but i am more of a manlet than him plus fatter and bald hahahaha. i used to look better but then i Hit The Wall around 27 hahahaha. of course i drank a lot and MW doesnt drink ever.

anyway.

in this ramzpaul vidya there are a bunch of anti-sinead comments and she herself blatantly states she is not in the alt right, she doesnt like it, the alt right is a bunch of merchant phaggots who love muslim roosh and hate white women hahahaha.  im not alt right, i am just trying to expose the merchants.

when she doesnt seem to realize that much of the “alt right” wants to expose the merchants too, and do not hate white women, and dont care for mudslim roosh, we just think flat earth is fooking retarded and nutty and really does make us look bad. and yet i am fascinated with sinead because she is a counter-merchant conservative and a kinda qt gurl, well many say she is ugly but she is hawt enough for me.

or maybe jsut because she reminds me of That Woman.

but every woman in her 20s with pale white skin and long dark hair who is not fat or not ugly or not stumpy reminds me of HER!!!!!!!!!!

well sinead might be 30 hahahaha but i heard hearsay she was 26.

but yeah she is too combative and oppositional to people who would be good allies. like TRS and rzp. i saw she just followed MW but she probably would call him a degenerate faggot too because he is neetish and had a bi phase.

and then common filth thinks “alt right” is degenerate because he thinks jack donovan is a degenerate, which he probably is. the mistake is in thinking we are all degenerate like jack donovan!

been really likig the TRS forum, they seem like a bunch of good goys. common filth should spend some time with them, then hed see that alt right is not too degenerate……but hes too busy scouring the internet for the most degenerate shit imaginable hrmmmmmmmmmmm.

so the point is it shows leftists for the disgusting degenerate filth they are. and CF is presented in a funny way. it doesnt seem AS nihilist as say Power Electronics, or god forbid, animal torture fetish videos.

so i was a weak unmanly faggot. so it was bad timing to get feelings. but im not a BAD GUY and i dont think she needed to treat me that badly even if women do hate weak men. i hate slutty women too, but if i was friends with a slutty woman and she got feelings for me, i would still be NICE to her when i rejected her.

although i probably wouldnt become friends with a slutty woman to begin with! because imho it signals greater moral weakness than a weak man just being a weakling.

really the best equivalent to a female slut would be a male deadbeat father: who creates life and then abandons it.  its total r selected, quantity over quality, low respect for human life, degenerate, rat monkey animal behavior.

the sensitive sissyboy who is scared to blurt out “I LIKE U” is not quite at the same point of degeneracy and immorality as the people Flippantly, Casually, CREATING AND DESTROYING HUMAN LIFE.

a lot different that being scared to say the words to someones face that you were kinda signalling to them anyway.

yeah i was weak. so fooking sue me.

what is the appropriate punishment for weakness or cowardice?

HARSH SCATHING BRUTAL PUNISHMENT?

I guess that will toughen you up though.

but i am not gettng tougher tho hahahaha. i wish i coulda been tough AT THAT MOMENT. and just been like fook you bitch youre not gonna do this to me, lets have our final showdown right now and say everything we want to say to each other, and mutually hate each other, and ignore each other at work.

but would i have been able to ignore her at work? prob NOT. she would be able to ignore and hate me, but i would still partially luv her, like i do now! and i wouldnt be able to ignore her! i would be looking at her constantly and noticing every person she talked to!!!!!

well i keep talking about sluts being immoral and degen……but she wasnt a slut! but i WAS weak!

well my POINT is, yeah my being weak kinda sucks, but her treatng me like that REALLLYLLLLLYYYYYY sucks. -1 vs a -20 or so.

i am also mad at myself for flipping out over it, getting all overly emotional like a damn young woman.

being more womanly than man.

not that you should inherently hate womanliness, but its not a good thing for a MAN to be, especially a man who has a desire to be with women, well then his womanliness will just push them away!

but still we had a friendship and a history and its just ridiculous it all went down like this.

and how the hell am i going to rebuild my life and find a woman i can actually get along with. i actually got along with her. and she was young and Pure. damn.

1225 crimbo hahahaha

i was just thinking, a gurl being a FLAT EARTHER would NOT be a dealbreaker for me as much as her being a HIGH NUMBER SLUT hahahahaha. i would say thats great cupcake go and study your flat earth. just dont leave me or stop luving me and abandon me hahahahahaha. and dont burn the coal hahahaha.

well see i think its worse to be a slut than to burn the coal ONCE. now its rare to just burn the coal ONCE. usually there is 99% overlap with being a slut.

you can guess who i have to make the damn exception for, my special snowflake who burned the coal once and was not a slut.

but being a slut has a pattern of behavior built right into it.

anyway it makes sense that men should have to work hard to show themselves worthy of a woman. it DOESNT make sense when a women GIVES IT AWAY to a lot of guys easily.

but basically i cant see myself being enough of a Real Man to pull a Decent Woman, ie one i am attracted to and with a good character. therefore, if i want to Pull women who are moderately attractive, they are gonna have to have a pretty bad character to give me what i deserve for my unmanliness hehehehe.

heh. i mean i should be lucky i even got to become friends with a nonugly nonslutty 25 year old woman!!!!!!!!

well i was happy about that. i just cant beleive that me being a weak omega merited her being as harsh to me as she was. be a little damn nicer to the person you knew for 2 years. its not like i CHEATED on you or BEAT you. damn.

i AGREE being a weak omega is BAD. but i slipped and cracked and snapped ok????? i wasnt ALWAYS like that with her. for a while i was fairly normal.

only one country separates norway from north korea. of course if you say only one country separates china from ukraine it doesnt sound as impressive hahahaha.

anyway i could deal with the mother of my children believing in a flat earth so long as she was not a slut, she was loyal to me, i luved her, she loved me.

i think the issue is, sinead is more bitchy and confrontational about people calling her out on this obviously ridiculous than she should be. it would be a lot better if she merely said she was skeptical that the earth was round and she wasnt such a damn bitch about it hahahahaha.

also is this the best way to bring women into the movement? not sure. i think a better way is just to have smart alpha fashy goy men who are successful in life, hide their true power level, and then gradually convince their wives on Red Pill Stuff. rather than try to have a Female Thought Leader talking about flat earth and conspiracies hahahaha.

i mean if i were with a woman i luved, like that woman, and she got into flat earth, that would not drive me away. i would just say thats nice honey, and hope it didnt become a problem. like shes gonna dump me for a more manly man who also believes in flat earth hahahaha. that would suck. well, now i am used to the worst case scenario actually ahppening. so with my luck, that would indeed happen.

macao is not a separate country, it is part of china. but like an autonomous region i think. maybe it might become independent someday.

heh. i say let sinead in. because i am a thirsty white knight beta hahahaha. BUT she SAID she didnt want to be in the alt right. the alt right is too weak, faggy, degenerate, j00ified, and beta leftist for her. well if shes not alt right what is she? she would probably say white nationalist or counter-semite hahahaha.

well i argue that alt right can cover those things. i think this is a narcissism of small differences thing.

or maybe sinead and i have very different definitions of the alt right. i admit it is a confusing term hahahaha.

i dont know why i am so obsessed with her. probably because she sorta looks like the woman i was/am in luv with, and she is pro white, and into traditional values. shares some important interests with me. and you dont get very many attractive 25 year old women who are outspokenly pro-white. its interesting.

well SUPPOSEDLY most white women prefer to date and mate with white men, even if they dont outspokenly say it. well i hope so hahaha.

and sinead is really just kooky and crazy by being Aggressively Pro Flat Earth and Aggressively insulting her racial allies.  basically saying you arent racist ENOUGH to people who are plenty racist hehehehe. to people who have no problem with heiling hitler and using all the best racial slurs and wanting a white homeland and being j-wise. they arent racist enough because they dont believe in flat earth. thats what leaves me CONFUSED.

but i dunno i think sinead could be good for doing womens stuff, or for being a surrogate waifu for lonely single white men. like building up their confidence that yes there is a marraigeable white woman out there for you.

or yes you can be a racist and find a nice traditional woman who might be nuts hahahaha but at least she is white and willing to have kids…..but might be a Coal Burner and is certifiably nuts.

really the Coal Burning is prob more important than the flat earth. i am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that just because she has pictures of her with blacks, doesnt mean she FOOKED the blacks hahaha. hahahaha i mean EVERYBODY has PICTURES of themselves with diff races.

also i am a special case. 1 gurl i liked in like 2007-8 was a coalburning slut who i removed from muh history. just deleted. and then this gurl, that woman, i was in honest LUV with her, and she coalburned ONCE.

what IF she was so nonslutty she didnt even have SECS with him? i just assume she did because i’m used to sluts who have secs with EVERY man they hang out with, cuz its no big deal. but maybe they just made out and she was like no i want to date for a while before we have secs. kinda like my ideal woman hahahaha. kinda like i was always uncomfrotable having secs with gurls i just met becuase im not comfortable having secs with STRANGERS.

who the fook WOULD be.

but yeah. i mean. i dont really want a hooker because their lives are so sad. i would rather bang a degenerate slut because they are somewhat more normal.

anyway when we were younger we disrespected women because they were DUMB and blue pilled as fook. as i matured i realized, hey dont hold that against women. who cares if theyre dumb or blue pill, if they are NICE and PURE and VIRTUOUS. you dont go to women for intellectual conversation or for being COOL, you go to them for moral support and luv and kindness and tenderness.

like That Person was not super smart. she was smart ENOUGH, she was prob smarter than average womennnnnn maybe. i was definitely way smarter than her. and i kinda liked that and i think she kinda liked that and i liked it when she told me i was smart hahahahaha.

well shouldnt men provide emotional support for women and not the other way around? men are the protector and the rock and the stability for the emotionally unstable women? so if the man needs a WOMAN for moral support, thats like going to a merchant banker for free money hahahahaha.

well ok maybe women could talk about stuff like What Women Should Be, and Make It Cool to be Traditional and NOnslutty and Feminine. …… because women are more likely to listen to other women than men? even if we are counting on men to influence their wives politically and mentally?

well i think it wouldnt HURT to have women speaking to women. if a woman doesnt have a traditional bf or father, then a traditional woman could school them on how its cool to Be Pure and how Secs is Sacred. because women sure arent getting that from THEIR single momz. single momz are not just bad for boys, they are bad for girls too.

Cuz then you get gurls with Daddy Issues. because their single mom was a crazy whore, so the poor girl thinks that is normal.

so the Tradcon or Alt Right or Pro White Womens Groups could be very helpful to girls like this.

and also give hope to boys that Not All Women are evil succubi sluts. better to have a real woman as a waifu than some anime bullshit.

and the women could talk abotu relationships and luv and monogamy and feelings and basically all the shit i talk about!

how to relship, how to treat each other nicely, how to dump a person, how to communicate.

how to not give it up to guys you dont really know. how to keep your lifetime number under 5. how to appreciate secs for procreation FIRST, recreation a DISTANT second. why abortion is bad. why open relationships and polyamory are bullshit. what love is. how to Empathize with Beta and Omega guys who come off as Creepy or Thirsty.  How To Be Loyal and Loving to your man. How to look to the long term and not dump a decent guy immediately, how not to lose interest so quickly, how to not be mastered by vag tingles and hamster rationalizations hahahaha.

basically teach traditional, natural gender roles and make it look fun and cool. it really shouldnt be that hard. it should come naturally. but people are so easily led astray its very disappointing. maybe they can just as easily be led back to the good path. give them a good culture with traditional mother and father.

anyway the fascists say that if youve been watching pron for years its gonna take a few months cold turkey before your brain goes back to “normal”, a state you may not even remember. it feels like its been a few months for me. and i understood pron has been degenerate, for years, and tried to minimize its use during the last few years. also i think i was using it to try to get my mind of THAT PERSON.

anyway i am OBSESSED with women but i dont really hate women like some obvious women haters. its really more like a LOVE HATE relationship hahahahahahahaha.

alls im saying. really hurts and is disorienting to lose somebody like this. i still dont really understand it any better. i just seem to accept it and the pain isnt so goddamn FRESH. but it still lingers and its truly horrible what happened. it hurts to lose a friend like that. and to be so goddamn misunderstood when youre just begging them to LISTEN, i didnt do anything WRONG, PLEASE.

like when your gf is mad at you and gives you that exasperated look and youre like oh god i dont even know what i DID. and then thats the end and she dumps you hahahahahaha. she has permanently lost interest and luv for you. she is DONE with you. its over.

i dunno. i never lost interest for someone that fast. or easily. im still interested in her ffs.

dunno. she really DID used to like me as a person. and its shocking she could get so over that, that she could throw me away like she never knew me. sheeeeeit. well thank god for being white hahahahaha.

point is, and im mansplaining feeeeelings to women agian, when someone you LOVE throws you away harshly, its VERY painful, it leaves you DEVASTATED, and it takes a VERY LONG TIME to heal from it.

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