december 17

yeah i mean its ridiculous. i think things ARE actually improving with the simple Passage of Time, the Time Heals All argument. well….really things are starting to FADE, not by a LOT mind you, but by a tiny bit. 1%. 1% in 122 days of no contact, so, therefore, i should be 100% over it in about 12000 days hahahahahahahahhahahahaa. yes thats like 35 years. shit 35 years and i could probably get over being violated by bubba.

but yeah contacting her wouldnt set me back 122 days but it would set me back more than i need. 30, 60 days maybe hahahaha. because it makes her more fresh and real in my mind. makes her a part of my real life again, even if she doesnt answer. i still really contacted the real her and thats enough. thats more real than just obsessing and ruminating about her all the time even. eventually i will get tired of that. but NOT if i contact her!

also seeing them is a kind of contact; and looking at their facebook is a kind of contact; and lastly, asking people who DO see her about her is a kind of contact. i do not do any of these hahahaha. i mean i have had a total BLACKOUT of her for 122 days, and it is starting to show tiny benefits. tiny gains hahahaha.

stuff like, i cant fix her issues. it doesnt take a brain surgeon to figure out how to act in this situation even if shed never been in it before: JUST BE NICE. TRY to be nice. dont just block me and run away. I. Cant. Even. maybe she didnt feel BETRAYED, she was just scared or I. Cant. Even. and essentially ABORTED Me.

maybe she didnt even feel BETRAYED. it doesnt relly MATTER. the end result on me was the same.

and it doesnt matter WHY she did it. i have pretty good theories. but the end result was the same, PLUS she refused to talk about why she did it, so………

yeah.  this is all the closure im gonna get hahahaha.

blocking me on fb was the Kindest thing she did for me because it sent the clearest message: Im BLOCKING You, i dont want to even LISTEN to you, dont send me emails or texts or try to talk to me because i will not read/listen to it.

when person A BLOCKS person B, you think person B has the power to remove that block?

can person B convince person A to remove the block by BEGGING?

so yeah i forget about the facebook block because i deact fb because it was all too much to take, but it does help explain things, and is honestly actually literally the clearest message she “communicated” to me about all this: dont try to communicate with me, beause i will not listen. whether thats out of fear or anger or confusion doesnt really matter, cuz the shit is still happening.

social justice discussion placemats so you can educate your racist family about hwite prvilege and institutionalized racism when you come home for crimbo from harvard and have to see your racist uncle hahahahahahahahah

yes this is actually happening. it was pretty bad when i was in kollege 10+ years ago and its getting even worse. the sad thing is, i bought into it, because i thought its what smart, successful, educated people believed, and i was just desperate for Acceptance and Friends and to be Liked and for just one of these thousands of cute gurls to hang out with me hahahahaha. i was young dumb and full of jizz hahahahaha. i understand that now. part of why i am such a huge right wing reactionary traditionalist racist now! someone to make up for the idiocy of my youth.

drinking coffee and stomach is gurgling and water faucet a55 hahahahahaha

actually had an interesting social incident yesterday. went out to play trivia which is my main social thing, and one of our team members, who is a great guy but also a very stubborn smartass who is not afraid to give shit right back to people, made smartass remarks to a nearby group who were being loud and obnoxious and gay. they continued to escalate and he is very good at pushing buttons and making idiots like this extremely mad, or maybe they were just extremely big idiots, yeah probably. then that group kept bitching and making remarks about our group the whole time, loudly, trying to escalate with us, that we were faggot motherfockers talking shit and being bitches. i mean this is the type of shit that easily turns into A Physical Fight Outside.

and i am such a big beta pussy that i have never been in an actual physical fight, and this is one of those things that builds a mans character, makes him a real man, makes him successful with life, jobs, and women. if you never have a fight, you become a failure like me hahahahaha.

nonetheless i was not looking forward to a fight! the idea made me anxious and pussy.

but they left soon after and the guy came up to our table and got in the face of our team member and said “if i ever see you again, i’m gonna put a BULLET IN YOUR HEAD” to which our guy said “ok thanks.” and then another guy from their side spilled the pitcher of soda that was on our table, which i got the brunt of, and they left.

it was all pretty ridiculous but also exciting and entertaining. the bullet in the head remark was interesting because most “normal” people would just say “if i ever see you again, im gonna KICK YOUR ASS” but no, this guy was all abut the bullet in the head, which has a heavy implication of Death which “kick your ass” does not.

also it was disturbing that these were white men around 25 years old. and their cute gurlfrans of course. this is how you pull cute white gurls. by acting like a black thug essentially.

shit yeah im a racist. i would almost expect this crude, barbaric behavior from nonwhites, but not from whites. we whites can DO BETTER THAN THAT.

anyway i just hate the god damn feeling of being incapable and incompetent and cracking under pressure and not being able to do a damn job………let alone a serious normal job of a normal 30+ year old man, with a wife and kids. i mean thats the general yardstick for me. i sort of wanted to be happily married by age 39 and with 1 or 2 kids! with the stable gainful job to be able to do that! and the idea that that will not, can not happen is a bti dreadful! although i still have some years to go before 39 hhahahahaha thank god. if i really got my act together, maybe i could still do it. change my attitude, practice Game, seek out a nice traditional woman, get masters degree of business hhahahaha, get a solid 18DAH job, try to find a small house not in a nonwhite drug crime ghetto hahahhaahaha. also the poorer whites get huge into drugs too, painkillers mostly. drink booze, do painkillers, threaten to kill other white people for mere shit talking, bang white trash sluts who bang all sorts of guys, nobody has fathers, or their fathers are all drugged deadbeats who beat their children, just white trash with filthy souls hahahaha. whites who act and live like blacks hahahahaha. and not the good kind of blacks. but the thuggy tyrone ones.

what about the black losers who are offended by what i say? well you dont really need me now do you. i would say join the men’s group at your local black church. assuming they are not all captain save a ho. find a nice black gurl who isnt a sheboon whore and have a tight knit black family where you dont abandon your children. in fact its ok if you dont have children, or get a damn vasectomy!

i would support our fedgov giving ….. 5 grand? to young black men to get a vasectomy hahahaha. well what if theyve already had 5 kids by age 20 hahahah well easy you give them the vasectomy at age 13 hahahaha

shit looked at that persons linkedin page. this i think is not as bad as fb becuase, no pictures, no updates, no nothing, she has 0 connections. really i am looing for any updates. like new job, new connections, fixing the atrocious spelling and grammar and logical mistakes in her profile, putting words together that dont belong together and dont make sense, spelling errors, hahahaha yet she is much more successful at life and will make much more money than me!!!!!!! she is my competition! i compete with men and women for jobs, and with men for women hahahaha

she has issues with Men, period. because of her father, and her mother being unable to pick a decent man; and men doing men things to her; she hates men essentially! unless she is in luv with them, or they are Ghey. but she does NOT know how to dump a man or reject a man or deal with men who like her when she doesnt like them. she just aborts them.  maybe to Project the inferiority she felt when men had hurt or rejected her in shitty ways.

whenever shes ended things with a man, its NEVER been “good.” when the guys initiated it, it was bad. i think her main boifran was terrible at communicating. so now she is terrible at communicating too.

techincally its not hard. you just be nice and say what you want to say honestly, but in as nice of a way as possible.

ok fatclub tiem

122/156, avg 139 days hahahaha.

went to fatclub, got 9 miles, i can now jog longer than i used to but it doesnt feel like a huge accomplishment. the sweat soaking muh shirt feels like more of an accomplishment. also i am not a fan of jogging in general because its not good for your body longterm and will destroy your legs and knees and joints and ankles and feet and give you chronic pain and shit hahaha. so, use the elliptical then. well i tried it once and did not like it at all. it LITERALLY did not let you go slower than 5 mph. and i like to go slower than 5 mph a lot of the time!

think about this: in GERMANY it is ILLEGAL to HOMESCHOOL your child! also in sweden; and netherlands. and greece. and liechtenstein. there are other european countries where it is illegal but these are the “less important” countries and ex soviet countries hahahaha. basically the point im making is, finding big first world powers where homeschooling its illegal. yes its legal in UK. legal in norway and denmark and finland but NOT sweden.


tfw you will never be able to homeschool your children because you will never have children with a decent woman who agrees with you homeschooling is good, and if you did by some miracle meet a Cool Girl like that, you wouldnt make enough money to allow your wife to stay at home with several children because both you and your wife need to slave away for 15 DAH and put your 1 child in daycare 50 hours a week with molesters and psychos and degenerates and terrorists if you just want to have 1 kid! but in reality you are an unemployable neet whos best hope is a 12dah customer service job! and no that job wont be easy to get, but will take 10 years to get.

anyway the big epiphany for today was that idea that i was ABORTED, that this what this is most analogous to is AN ABORTION. i mean: when a woman has an abortion, she doesnt say OH YEAH I LUV MURDERIN MUH BABEEZ, they feel they are between a rock and a hrad place, have to make a difficult decision, and they are really doing it for the good of the child, who they could not have been a good mother to. i dont think they understand HOW HORRIBLE of a thing they are doing because The Left has done a great job in making the culture very abortion friendly. and gives a bunch of rationalizations for women to help them feel better about something that is even worse than they think.

and yeah they still feel regret and shame afterwards. not surprising!

anyway it doesnt mean they HATE their baby or feel BETRAYED by the baby or they Love Murder. they just want to Get Rid Of The Problem in a quick convenient way, and its easy to RATIONALIZE why its not Evil Murder.

so she doesnt have to hate me or feel betrayed by me or whatever, she can just Abort Me from her life. and boom i am dead and gone.

the people that do this need to become skilled at Rationalising their horrible decisions, as well as Avoiding and Ignoring things. sweeping them under the rug, forgetting all about it.

so yeah its like an ABORTION and probably involves the same confusion, cognitive dissonance, rationalization, excuse making, that women tell themselves to lessen the guilt of killing their baby hahahaha by convincing themselves they are not in fact killing their baby, but SPARING the life a FUTURE unhappy child, but right now its just an embryo of cells, so better to get rid of it now, when its hardly developed and you cant really call it a human anyway. and yeah thsi is unpleasant and i dont want to have to do it again so i will be more careful about Secs. or not hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

but yeah it helps a woman develop her skill at getting rid of things, rationalizing them, and forgetting about it. you can get rid of all sorts of things: Embryos, Lovers, Friends, Family.

so do i want to be with someone who ABORTS me?

does someone who ABORTS me show any willingness to be in a good decent healthy loving rel with me?


how can you have a good rel with someone who ABORTS you when you beg them PLEASE DONT ABORT ME?