well i now like using earplugs to sleep at night even though shit isnt very loud, i am just that sensitive to every little sound, that i prefer the sense of all sounds being blocked out by the earplugs. the problem is i wonder how safe it is to the ears, and the ears can sometimes feel a little sore in the morning, possib from the pressure of these foam things in your ears.

google ear pain from sleeping with earplugs

anyway lemme write about this stupid dream quickly

yes it was THAT WOMAN. i was hanging out with her AND another woman. i was glad i was being given a chance but she still seemed a little mad or annoyed at me. the other woman was trying to womansplain what i could have done better: “youve really got to make an effort to communicate you feelings to her and what you’re feeling at every step of the way, rather than keep it bottled up or hidden or not talk about it.”

i wanted to say “THATS WHY I WAS TRYING TO DO, but SHE wasnt willing! SHE never wanted to LISTEN to me!” because that might make her more mad at me.

i just said “yes, i agree with you completely. great advice. i’ll do that. i just want to have a good rel with her.”

AND THEN BOOM she, that woman, was naked and i caught a glimpse of her YOU KNOW WHAT on top of me and i was like o god its happening right now, didnt expect that so soon, didnt think she was that kind of gurl, well this complicates things a little but id be a fool to say no to this. plus its not like i dont want this at all! she threw me a string of condos that were all attached to eachother like a roll of scratch off lottery tickets. the condos were TINY, or looked tiny from the package. i thought, well, i’m no tyrone, but this is a little insulting. i also saw the expiration date was 2012. i thought maybe she is trying to get pregnant. maybe i could rationalize to myself her getting an ABORTION, maybe im a monstrous murderer. well cross that bridge if we come to it. i would be a fool to turn this down. i havent had secs in 10 years. and i luv this gurl. this may strengthen our bond, make her luv me moar. just fookin DO IT.

so i put one on, it wasnt too small, she went to the bathroom and thats i remember of that “scene.” its possible we never actually had secs. she was still a little bit cool and distant, as if to guilt trip me, like i dont really LIKE this or you, i’m just gonna do this to get you to stop being so damn annoying. when i would have been happier with her happily cuddling, rather than her begrudgingly having secs! i wanted her to feel close to me, and be happy with me, and show me luv.

then shortly after i saw her with this black guy and she was visibily overjoyed, so happy to see him, holding his hand, fawning over him, staring and smiling at him, and i was like, THATS what i want from her. and she’s got it for this black guy but not me.  (muh racial cuckold nightmare hahahaha)

he was a lighter skinned black guy and had a “jamaican reggae laid back” feel about him rather than “chimping out thug groid.” he was tall and strong chest and shoulders and light skinned and fairly handsome, dreadlocks, kinda looked like a more masculine/bigger bob marley, who i think was half white btw.

i guess he left and i went up to her and was like, uhhhh whats going on with that guy, you were just having secs with me yesterday

and she immediately got annoyed and eye rolling, ughhhhhh, what youre gonna get JEALOUS? i cant see other people? hes a great guy, i really like him, i can do what i want, you dont own me.

and i was just confused and frustrated and jealous. i just wanted her to treat me like she treated him. just be kind and loving to me, not hateful and contemptuous. i dont really CARE about you having secs with me, we can get to that later. and yes i AM bothered by you “dating” several people. ie having secs with several guys at once. with expired condos hahahaha.

and that was the main point of the dream.

there was a “side story” in that we were all hanging out in a house/apartment where we were essentially breaking and entering. into a policemans house while he was out At Work. and i was like really? why are we doing this. you are literally ASKING to be arrested and go to jail for a felony. ultimately i said enough is enough and i left and then started to run. i sensed the 5-0 was gonna show up soon. and indeed very soon i saw a Party Wagon and i slowed down as if i was doing nothing wrong. as soon as i got out of sight of it, i started running again. i thought, these stupid idiots. breaking into peoples houses just to have a place to hang out, and just by BEING there you are doing a felony. is this supposed to be SEXY to impress WOMEN?

i was disturbed she was giving out secs so easily. was that just what was normal nowadays? didnt she realize the risks of this? and she shouldnt give it out willy nilly to multiple guys at once, especially to guys she doesnt really like? like me? she was just begrudgingly trying to appease me. and i didnt want begrudging appeasement. just Show Me Love hahahahaha PLEASE!!!!!

PLEASE SHOW ME LUV!!!!!!!! dont hate me! im not abusing you or being unloving to you! my only crime is being a weak beta and PUTTING UP with this bullshit! which, in womens eyes, is worse than raep hahahaha.

if i begged her for an apology, i might feel ok soon after, but then id be like, wait, that WASNT GOOD ENOUGH. what good is a FORCED APOLOGY. she has to really know what she did was wrong and truly apologize for it. i would be left STILL WANTING a REAL apology, and i would not get it.

really i want her to understand and admit and realize that what she did was WRONG. and apologize to me for it.

oh she may realize it but be too SCARED to apologize to me, because…….because its been so long. too long. and if i contact her saying uhhhhhhhh i still am open to an apology, it would SCARE her and convince her i was the bad guy.

i have to TAKE THE HIGH GROUND. by doing NOTHING. theres nothing i CAN do. if i contact her then i look like the creepy bad guy who cant move on, further convincing her that she did nothing wrong. as she gives her uterus and luv away cheaply hahahaha.

whats the root cause?

EVERYTHING can be explained by the following, in one combination or another:

she had a deadbeat father who more or less abandoned her.

her mother had mostly bad rels with men

therefore she doesnt trust men

and her chooser is broken so she picks bad men and ignores good men.

and she is a classic avoider. she avoids EVERYTHING.

and there ya go. doesnt make what she did RIGHT, but it more or less explains it. gives you the answer to WHY she did this. because shes terrible with men because of her mother and father hahahaha.

who knows if she was abused by one of her mothers boifrans? i will never know. i dont think she was. i have met the mother who seemed like a decent person despite sounding sketchy on paper. i dont think she would allow her children to be abused like some single mothers do hahahaha. she would be more likely to kick the man to the curb before that point.

but still the mother cant seem to have a decent rel with a decent man, so that certainly rubbed off on the children im sure. well then why was the daughter in such a long term rel? because she really luved the guy and was doing all the work. she was very willing and loving. shit i bet she is still getting over him even if she thinks she isnt.

but yeah i want to get to a point where i cant think about this any more. im done, im bored with thinking about it. i think it will happen some day but im not quite there yet. oh well. its good that i can say there will probably come a day in the future hahaha. TRUST THE PROCESS.

she has a sibling who has been in a rel for like 5 years, his first and only major rel of his young life, i guess similar to what happened with her. they start dating at like 18 or 19 instead of 15, and their first real rel is a deep, long term, marriage like one. i wish they just got fookin married!!!!!!!!!!!

but in the end, HE (that womans bf) wanted out.

i have no idea about the brother and his longterm gf. i think that is more balanced and mutual and two way street. but i never got as close to the family as i would have liked…….because she was BLOCKING me from hanging out with her. so who cares about the damn family. well when we were friends, we talked about her family and she shared things about her family! and i met her mother a few times. why SHOULDNT i be interested in her family????!!! damn!!!!!!!!!

i did nothing wrong. but im the type who takes EVERYTHING personally. so when she went apeshit on me, i thought i MUST have done something REALLY wrong, and it took a while to realize i really DIDNT. this is HER Issues and insecurity too. namely, her taking SUCH offense and feeling SO betrayed when a male friend gets feelings for her. god damn, its NOT A CRIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! throwing somebody out of your life is a LOT worse!!!!!!!!!! -1 vs -20 hahahaha.

and its HER ISSUES which made her REACT to me liking her so BADLY.

and those issues come from mother and father and bad experiences with men, men are BASTARDS!!!! nto necessarily abuse, but hugeass disappointment and failure and rejection hahahaha.

(well stop PICKING bastards then. but thats another issue. her Picker is fooked up, like with many women. they CANT pick good men. and again that MORE THAN LIKELY is Root Cause by No Father or even no Father Figure! i mean she has male relatives but at the end of the day they really cant be the father figure, you really need pref the father, or MAYBE if the mother picks a DECENT stepfather (many dont) at an early enough time in the childs life.)

i just thought a woman who had actually experienced disappointment and rejection from men, might be able to relate better to me, who had experienced constant failure and rejection and disappointment from women. someone who understands the pain of rejection and disappointment. cuz most women DONT. cuz they are the ones usually DOING the rejection and the disappointing!

i appreciate a person who really understands rejection and disappointment and loss, and she did. however it didnt help her in treating me better when she rejected me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway my ear canals feel like theyve been savagely violated by Bubba, might have to stop with these earplugs. but they really do work well with sleeping more solidly/soundly.


maybe she thinks she doesnt DESERVE a good man so she subconsciously pushes good men away. makes sense. lots of women do this, then Consciously choose thugs and deadbeats and abusers and cheaters and Unavailable or Unwilling men.

well, as a beta loser, i probably dont DESERVE a good decent woman, but i sure as hell WANT one and would not push one away!

also re no contact: remind yourself that not only does she not want to talk to you, she doesnt even want to LISTEN to you! thats why she BLOCKED you on facebook! she doesnt even want to LISTEN to what you want to tell her. i often forget that she BLOCKED me. blocking does send a clear message: i dont want to listen to you. and whose job is it to remove the block? thats HER job, if she ever wants to do it. which she probably doesnt. HER JOB TO REMOVE THE BLOCK, NOT MINE.

so blocking me is really the nicest thing she did for me, becuase its the clearest communication she sent me. isnt that sad? BLOCKING is the NICEST thing she did for me? because she couldnt write me a message in FIVE MINUTES? couldnt take FIVE MINUTES to end an ALMOST THREE YEAR FRIENDSHIP in a decent dignified kind respectful way????? DAMN. SMDH. WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT HER?

anyway i see a Budget Rental small truck driving around my neighborhood and the driver is wearing a FEDEX coat and delivering fedex packages, scanning them and all.

immediately i thought the worst: that he’s a contractor or 1099’er for fedex, or working for an agency, so he’s getting paid less than a REAL fedex person even as he works FOR fedex. probably as a damn temp. he’s gotta start BELOW THE BOTTOM and work his way UP to the BOTTOM. damn. prob part time at 36 hours a week cuz then theres a law that they have to offer you benefits after 1000 hours? if i were A Manager or A Hirer i would know this, but of courshe im not and never will be hahahha.

if youre over 30, women will only date you if you are a MANAGER or above hahahaha

so i thought, damn. i bet he is working 36 hours a week, part time, for 8 bucks an hour, and i BET he has to pay to rent that Budget truck out of his own pocket. Fedex just tells him, get a truck, we dont care how, rent it, no we wont reimburse you any, no, we dont have any deals with companies, just go whereever and rent a truck and show up here tomorrow morning for your 8 bucks an hour. and also you ahve to pay for your fedex jacket. and pay for your scanner. we will take that out of your first paycheck. be glad were not asking for a deposit now. no we dont take credit cards. pay $200 cash to us before your first day of work, rent a truck with your own money, and you too can make 8$ an hour.

when maybe thats not the case. maybe Fedex paid for the truck. and the scanner. although soe places make you pay for your own work uniform. MAYBE a fedex truck broke down and The Business Analysts determined that it costs less to rent a truck for the month of december and then replace the truck in january. i wonder if that was explained to the driver. well he doesnt need to know. i guess thats true if he doesnt have to explain to customers why hes driving a rental truck.

but yeah it bothered me when i had to explain shit, like refusing service because it cost too much. and i cant find a good article on the WHOLE INTERNET that teaches you how to Refuse Service Because It Costs Your Company too much. is this SECRET, clandestine information? NO, EVERY company has to do this! the best i can come up with is talking points on how to refuse or negotiate a discount, when the stubborn customer demands a discount you dont want to give. thats valuable info, and kinda relevant, but kinda not. and it sounds terrible to say, we’re gonna chose to leave the shit broken because it costs more to fix it that to elave it broken. well couldnt you say that about anything? yeah but this broken thing is not adding enough value to where we will MAKE MONEY ultimately after incurring the cost to fix it. tell your customers that hahahaha.

i mean this is a basic part of Business Sense. so why is there nothing good on the internet on how to do it? they should have textbooks in high school on how to do it. the people that know how to do it have a better shot of being successful at their jobs. its a very important skill, but no way to be trained in it. its a big secret that you just have to figure out and no one puts it on the internet. yet they put everything else on the internet. maybe its ilegal like child pron. its illegal to help train workers to make their businesses more profitable hahahaha.

this is what managers call “setting you up to fail” and it happens in all workplaces. they throw you to the wolves, say figure this shit out with no help or youre fired. what the fook.

good god. instead of pulling everybody off the phones for a Weekly Update Meeting because it costs too much to train, have a higher up make a 1 hour video every week and then have people watch it in their “downtime”, ie, their OFF TIME.

oh because it will break our companies internet to host that video on our servers, and we cant put it on youtube cuz its confidential proprietary in house shit. it costs too much for us to use GOOD EQUIPMENT. this is why shipping companies drive trucks until the wheels fall off, and shoot out loud exhaust like uncle buck in front of the customers, looks real professional. becuase it costs too much to fix shit and to have good tools.

did a nice 9 miler


i dont miss anything degenerate, i miss having a nice person who used to be nice to me, who i felt close to and loved!

its hard to stop loving someone and start loving someone new! it takes a LONG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn!!!!!!!!!!

i think it SHOULD take a long time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so yeah dont listen t people who tell you you should be over it by now.

this was strong love that new families are born from. children are made.

if it was meant to be though… would have worked out. SHE would have loved me. really its SIMPLE. i loved her, she didnt love me. period.

yeah it slowly gets better but its still just horrific. despite the father issues and the trust issues and the men issues i still cant believe she did that to ME.

well, i had never seen how she acted with male friends who slowly fell in luv with her after a long time. because there were none. she didnt have many friends period. her main male friend is a homosexual. i liked that she didnt have 9000000000000 shallow “friends” and acquaintances and orbiters. she hung out with her family and her boifran and like 2 real friends. which i was becoming one of.

so yeah it was all new to her. she didnt know how to act. i didnt know how she would act.

but still. it never happened to me yet i still know how to act: golden rule baby. always be nice. you can dump me, just BE NICE about it! its not complicated! she had more than enough time to THINK ABOUT how she wanted to deal with me. hint: the correct answer is not complicated. JUST BE NICE.

iceland is slightly bigger than ireland in area.

yep its true. svalbad about 23 k, ireland 32 k, iceland 39 k.

are there a lot of nonwhite immigrants in iceland hahahaha maybe i should move there.

but i hear all the gurls are promiscuous sluts. like they fook guys they dont even know.

i dont care if its a high trust society. women should NEVER be sluts. 100 0. they just have too much to lose. too much reproductive responsibility. even when the guy is an upstanding white icelandic gentleman. the pregnancy and childraising is not any physically different than if the father was a black deadbeat hahahaha. bix nood muf00ka sheeeeet.