its gonna take a long long time.

feel the horrible pain and loss and anger and sorrow and hate and love and loss, but dont TORTURE yourself masochistically by

  1. looking at them on facebook. shit. bloc them, block everyone associated with them. deactivate facebook for you.
  2. dont contact them, really you want them back. if they wanted you back, theyd contact you. and they sure havent done that have they. sometimes they DO. i dont know what to do in that situation. i would of course take them back. with many serious long conversations about how they can never do that again. well i cant take them “BACK” because i was never with them to begin with; and i dont want to be Just Friends. I just want them not to HATE me for something thats not worth hating somebody for.
  3. should you beat meat thinking of them? PROBABLY NOT. its probably even more useful for you to think of them fooking other people…..cuz thats what theyre doing. but that is kinda torturous too.


google how to pretend you know what youre talking about

this was something we had to do every day all day at job and it took its toll on me but sometimes i managed to do it.

shit. what she did here makes it easier for me to Hate All Women, cuz this was a woman I LIKED. in the sense of respected and admired. how often does this happen? never!

also her just Disappearing makes it easier for me to project HORRIBLE things on her, like oh she is out getting assfooked on a website right now to get money for Drugs or something. just taking multiple black dicks at a time. spitroasted.

makes her look worse than she really is in other words. well what does it matter tho, if shes horrible to me? so its good for me to make her into an even BIGGER monster!!!!!

well really i would just prefer a happy medium. see her as a flawed but not monstrous human being. instead i turn her into the boogeyman, a huge whore that is like the whore of babylon or some shit, taking 10 dark cox all at once.

you say i am obsessed about being Cucked by Cox of different races. Well, its a fact, that some women who have rejected ME, did NOT reject the Nonwhite Coch. and yes it does sting knowing for a fact that they sucked and fooked that dark coch but wanted nothing to do with me.

so….visualizing them fooking and sucking black coch, like i know they did…..that would make me hate them faster, therefore i could go through the hate phase quicker, and therefore get to the end phase of indifference / over it faster?


i dunno maybe. its not as counterproductive as contacting them or looking at them on FB. thats supertorture.

shit i could reactiveate my FB and see if shes still blocking me!


SHE REALLY WANTS TO, SHES JUST AFRAID TO. so she needs me to contact her.

that kind of thinking will get you in TROUBLE. GOD DAMN. DONT DO IT.

She threw me out of HER life. and not for anything that would warrant being thrown out of anyones life, like abusing them or stalking them or cheating on them.

oh but you ANNOYED her with your WEIRDNESS you beta creeper.

maybe but thats still not a valid reason for throwing someone out of your life.

when someone throws you out of their life, and you havent done a HORRIBLE thing, and if youre not a horrible person, then you probably havent. you will just sit there for a few months worrying about whether you did soething horrible. but you didnt. since when is getting feelings and being a little awkward about it HORRIBLE. NEVER.

but for months you will think you did something horrible. because why else would they do this to you.

it never ends. like a never ending nightmare. someone who was once kind to you now doesnt care if youre alive or dead.

heh i guess i was so desperate for young women to be NICE to me. i suppose if another purty young woman were NICE to me and showed INTEREST in me, i could prob get feelings for her.

yep i just divorced muh husband of 20 years cuz i just LOST INTEREST in him.

it is discouraging when women LOSE INTEREST in you quickly. hahahaha. ok better go to the fathouse and stare at 18 year old gurls hahahahaha.

119/153 days since hahaha. just did an 8 miler at the fatclub. the perfect 10 blond girl got on the treadmill right in front of me again. actually she would be more of a 10 if she were in WORSE shape hahahaha. she has big manshoulders because she lifts brah hahahahahaha. and her buttocks are too SMALL. she needs to STOP going to the gym so much in other words and start eating MORE mickey d’s hahahahaha.  prob one of those gurls who works out OBSESSIVELY because she has issues about being born so Pretty hahahaha. of course i go there OBSESSIVELY too, out of issues with being a loser and being destroyed and trying to Get Over That Woman.

Fully 50% of the people are nonwhite! either arabs or albanians. lot of swarthy blackhairs hahahaha. i can usually tell the difference. the arabs are even more swarthy and their langauge sounds angrier, sounds like hacking and spitting. the albanians, their skin is a little “whiter”, and their language sounds more “russian” with lots of sh sounds, but not as pleasing as russian. both are hypermasculine and emotional and hot tempered and probably beat and raep women hahahaha.

anyway i had a moment of clarity as i was leaving. i thought, shit, even if i miraculous got together with her, you think it would last? hell no! she would end up dumping me within a few months for some bullshit reason.

i got an image of a man and woman argueing with each other. the type of argument where its more like the man begging and pleading the woman, and the woman being closed and stubborn and obstinate. the man is open, desperately open, the woman is closed, and she’s never gonna let him in. she clearly has lost all respect for him, she’s stopped loving him, and any sane person viewing the scene knows its over. she is DONE and no amount of begging and pleading is gonna make her change her mind. she is done and he is gonna be DUMPED. there is nothing he can do. literally nothing.

i think you can picture that scene fairly well. even i can. well thats what would happen with me and her. thats kinda what DID happen, tho in a more extreme form. i was begging and pleading and she was closed and cold and shut down.

anyway i could just see myself in that position of beggar, supplicator, begging her essentially, please love me, please give me a chance, please respond, please be interested in me, please want to make this work, please dont leave me, PLEASE WANT TO MAKE THIS WORK, and her rolling her eyes and sighing and saying ugh and then saying well you could stop being so pathetic for one. and then dumping me.

thats the best i could hope for. that HOPELESS situation where you cant do shit, and you are a Desperate Begging Supplicator, and she is gonna be gone real soon, and you are gonna be heartbroken and devastated. there is nothing you can do to make her want to stay. one of the things completely out of your hands. THEY have a responsibility too, and they dont want that responsibility any more. they are saying nope dont want to do this any more.

same thing whenever ANY woman dumps you. she is DONE and she doesnt want to be with you any more. simple. BUT i argue they dont have to dump you like that. appreciate the fact that somebody luvs you, and be careful with their damn heart.

i guess its a lot EASIER to get MAD at them for burdening you with this situation you dont want, then you dont have to DEAL with the reality that someone loves you, and you are breaking their damn heart hahahaha.

anyway i had a moment of relief there when i thought, well even if she said “yes”, it would still end in a similar dumping, thinking of that image of the man begging and pleading, when really………THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO. THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS YOU CANNOT CHANGE.

they have to want to love you, they have to want to make it work, they have to have interest in you and love you. if they dont have that, you can’t do that work FOR them. its OVER.


120/154 days. yeah google spreadsheet.

ok lets try to find or make a pciture of the scene i was describing: begging, anxious, desperate, loving person, vs a cold, distant, angry, annoyed, DONE, its over person.

hmm cant find many GREAT ones but here ya go:


yeah that vaguely turkic looking gurl is dangerously, unhealthily anorexic but i would cautiously throw it in her just to see if i stay hard hahahahaha and then i would give her 5 whole dollars to get dollar menu items from mickey d’s because yeah honestly this girl is too skinny.  i hate fat hambeasts but skeletal skinny gurls i just feel sorry for. doesnt that Big Guy think shes too skinny? i should just delete this picture. i dont care if shes not white, my protector and provider white knight instinct wants young women to be healthy and not wasting away.


plee bae iz so sorry i dun ate dat last chikun wang, plee gibs me dat ass doe bix nood


please sweetie dont dump me, you can even fook that black guy in the above picture and i will prep him 4uuuu


im sorry i only made 80 grand last year, i will go to and get a masterz of business so i can make 81 grand next year

crap like that. just in my case imagine the guy looking sadder and more Hangdog and Desperate, and the woman looking more hateful, annoyed, contemptuous, and cold. i am so disgusted by you i cant even LOOK at you.

late 90s and early 00s i had by adolescence. it was a nihilistic time. and i was a kind of nihilistic guy. my fam did the best they could but boy did i rebel against everything i could, and became a degenerate nihilist in the process. if i had just been a faithful religious person from a young age. faith from a young age. just been like fook yeah jesus loves me and i love him and he is gonna make me strong so i can be a huge successful winner.

NOPE. it was more like jesus thinks i am a sinner because i wanna jurk off and bang wimmin and he punishes people who want to have pleasure. meanwhile i am jurking off all the time and look at PORNO from like age 15 or 16.

well, to be fair, i did want a loving serious monog rel as well. that was about the least degen thing about me.

i didnt LIKE skool but i did well at it, it didnt make me nervous, i felt competent, but it was stupid. unlike now where i feel incompetent at everything, no skills, not good at anything, and nervous whenever faced with any task because i am gonna fook it up. never had that when i was young.

but yeah everything was about escapism. do your stupid skoolwork, go to stupid college, get a stupid job, always get rejected by stupid sluts, seek pleasure through drugs, alcohol, beating off to pron. this was my nihlistic hopeless mindset at age 16/17!!!

i could have been like i am a white warrior of christ, gonna conquer the world like a boss, find a nice decent woman with morals, but nooooooooo.

well, i knew i wanted a “nice gurl.” that was telling. who DOESNT want a nice gurl? meaning, someone who is nice to you, as opposed to a huge bitch! also, i didnt think that being an easy sleazy slut was something a nice gurl did either (and i was right.) so basically, dont be a mean bitch, and dont be an easy slut. you had two jobs hahahahaha.

basically thats the type of woman ive always wanted. found a good one then she turned against me by being the hugest bitch ever.

like i say i was the type of guy that prob would have been happy marrying the “high school sweetheart”, yet because i was a beta nerd, and nerds werent cool and trendy yet at that time, so gurls didnt like them, All Gurls only like Big Normie Chads and Jocks. nowadays nerds and outsiders are Cool so they get gurlfrans during high school, even though they are huge Betas and the real world doesnt work like that. however getting luv and secs and cuddles from a young age prob gives them the confidence to become more Alpha.

i didnt realize finding a stupid job would be a lot harder than i thought; that i would always feel incompetent and confused; and that i would be such a huge loser, for so long hahahaha.

anyway. had a dream thankfully not with that woman. there was another young woman who seemed somewhat nerdy and cool and thankfully nonslutty although i didnt know. she was nice enough to talk to me for more than 30 seconds so i thought oh kewl. we started talking about musical instruments and im like yeah i like all instruments, i try to play everything. and shes like ok kool lets play some music. and then i pick up the guitar and i am SOOOOO rusty and horrible that i sound like ive never played before. i cant get the thing in tune, i cant play shit, its an electric guitar but i cant get the amplifier working, etc. meanwhile she is playing the guitar a lot better than i am. and i look like a bullshit liar just trying to Get INto Her Pants. and i say, i SWEAR I can play, it’s just been a while, i am out of practice, and i am having a bad day.


so i failed to impress her at all and she thought i was a loser, liar, creep. even though at one time i was ok at playing the instrument.

she was uptight and slightly bitchy anyway but in that way that signaled she was not a slut; not in that way that meant she was just a huge bitch. either way, i usually like them a little nicer than that. but i guess ultimately, non sluttiness trumps niceness!

heh. i wish there were books and videos on the most important parts of jobs: like in general how to explain shit to people, shit, how to UNDERSTAND shit and explain it; and how to explain the common point of, we cant do this for you because it would cost too much, in situations where its not clear why it would cost too much. like explain to me why this ketchup is free, but i have to pay 50c for this little thing of bbq sauce. WHY DOES THE BBQ SAUCE COST 50 CENTS????!!?!??!?!?!?! i dont know it just does. but thats just not a good enough question. unfort youd need a manager or level 2 or a Buyer to explain that, and One Does Not Simply produce one of these people at whim. you ae a gatekeeper, its your JOB to keep these types of people AWAY FROM the higher ups. by bullshitting your way through WEIRD, RIDICULOUS questions that only higher ups realy know how to answer. this has always been nerve wracking for me. some days i was good at it; but 55% of days, i was not.

when the pressure is on, you fall apart. not a hirable way to be.

google how to be better under pressure

i say that having a nice nonslutty GF that you just cuddled with the night before makes you a lot more confident in dealing with people. but you cant get that quality GF until you have PROVEN yourself!

but yeah it sucks that a person can be both so nice to you and also so mean. how about a happy medium. i dont treat people all bipolar like that. i try to be nice to them at all times. i might be shy and boring and awkward but i am never mean.

now shes gonna say i was living in a fantasy world and we were never THAT close. well i did have some fantasies, but we were damn close from fall 2013 thru summer 2014. hehehehe. for her to say otherwise is HER living in a fantasy world. total denial and delusion.

i should have never invested in my 401k. is it supposed to take out 60$ a year for maintenance fees? it doesnt even MAKE 60$ a year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when women give up secs too fast, they attract the type of men who will NOT be good long term mates for them, and turn OFF the type of men who WOULD be good long term mates.

this is why i so mcuh preferred being just friends with a woman first, then getting feelings later. cuz you start off genuinely liking and respecting the person for who they are, you learn to view them as not a slut. but of course they put you in the friendzone. the only way you not be in the friendzone is if you have secs with the woman within 2 days of meeting her, like a damn slut. meaning, you can never respect someone you have secs with, cuz its right away or never at all.

how to refuse a demanding customer google

you dont want to refuse them service altogether. you will serve them their mcnuggets but you wont give them the dipping sauce for less than 50c because policies and costs. “how can that little sauce possibly cost 50 cents!”

i think i linked this before, but its worth reading twice. great points here. unfort no great advice for the workers IN those jobs.

surviving at my last job was a major achievement. at least 30% of people quit when they saw how ridiculous it was. just said fook this, this aint worth it, and stopped showing up. maybe another 30% of new hires did actually struggle to show up, survive, do a good job, but they werent learning fast enough, and they were asking for help too much. help that we couldnt afford to give. so they were laid off. leaving the final 40% who survived. and i was one the few the proud the brave. which you wouldnt expect out of a beta loser like me, and especially not in the state im in NOW. but back then i survived. and after a long time of struggle i actually became competent. really if i can survive there i can survive anywhere, even a restaurant.

saw the shrink, talked about jobz and being confident and that person. i sometimes want to contact her mother or a mutual friend. that would be WEIRD tho. she would be CREEPED OUT that i am still bothered about it. well fook that i say, it is what it is. i am still bothered about it.

again it helps to look at what i really WANT: do i want to be friends, or do i want to be more than friends? and also if i have to beg her for an apology, what kind of apology is that? i will eventually be bothered that i had to beg her. and then i will want ANOTHER apology i will never get.

there is Ebb and Flow and Ups and Downs in every Rel, but in an healthy rel, both people will say, yes, lets take some time and effort to Tend To The Garden, work on our Rel together.

ok so if bane is saying hes’ a big guy FOR YOU, meaning he’s big compared to the cia guy, then what that REALLY implies is that the CIA guy is really small, and bane’s not that damn big!!!!!! he only looks big compared to really small guy. so bane is really self-deprecating himself by saying im really not a big guy, im just a big guy compared to you, you even smaller small guy. he is deprecating himself AND CIA.

anyway it doesnt suit bane’s badassness for him to deprecate himself and call himself a small guy, is my point.

but yeah the shrink confirmed that what that person did was not a nice thing, was not the right way to handle that, that doing that is not ok, i would not do that to a stranger, i would not do it to a friend, or anyone.  someone with a decent set of morals probably does feel guilty about it, someone who doesnt, has bad morals and i shouldnt want to be with them.

well an apology then would have been nice.

anyway i cant convince her. the roles are frozen now, meaning i will always be the beggar, she will always be cold and distant. its DOOMED. basically i luv her more, and she wants out. period. that is where she gets off the train. that is the final act for her. i gotta get off the train too. cuz shes not gonna change her mind.

and MOST people have SOMETHING in their life that they just dont get “CLOSURE” for. its common. you dont really NEED closure. as much as you need acceptance from within. you accept yep. this is over and im never gonna get any answers and i can live with that now.

MOST women would AGREE WITH ME: well fook YES we need to talk about this situation and talk about boundaries and ground rules and stuff, if we are in the workplace and there are feelings. we need to handle this and prepare for the worst. what are we gonna do if/when this ends horribly. shit yeah this is complicated so lets talk about it and figure it out.

talking about complicated emotions is what people in an average health relationship do! not just ignore and avoid and run away. especially when you have know the person for 2 years and have been their friend.