117/151 days since hahahaha.

watching andrew zimmern in croatia. happy to see him in a white country hahahaahahahahahaha. use google maps to follow him on island of brac, city of split. go to zagreb. i like those “old towns” that have pedestrian walking streets that arent really streets for cars. they have names but are gray on the map and not white. notice a place called “MUSEUM OF BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS” in zagreb hahahahahahaha.

well it was complicated and simple. the simple fact was, i loved her more, i was more willing to make it work. or rather, i loved her, she didnt love me; i was very willing to make it work; she was not. because she was not in love with me. root cause.

but that doesnt mean she had to be so mean! she could and should have treated me better.

BUT its important to remember that she never had feelings to begin with.

but she used to be nice and kind and sweet and caring to me, just in a platonic way, and it sucked to have her take that away.

she could have continued being nice and just said AWWWW im sowwy, i just dont feel that way about you, i dont mean to hurt you.

for  a person that was so nice, to turn so not nice, was insane.

i mean i really think shes not being her TRUE SELF here and she will regret it. she doesnt know what she is doing! so i should always be contacting her every 150 days hahahaha.

well she has trouble trusting men because of the “father issues”. well that makes sense. this makes it difficult for her to be Just Friends with men. which is itself not bad, becuase then it means she isnt having casual sex with all her male acquaintances!!!!!!!!

well she has one major male friend, but he is homosexual you see, so i think in that way she trusts him.

i was not homosexual, but close enough i guess. she thought i would never have feelings, so i was SAFE. i wasnt some dangerous man, wanting only One Thing. see i think she is very very overly cautious of men. one strike and theyre gone. because of her father, and her mothers history of not choosing great men. was she abused by any of these men? i dont think so, but now i’ll never know.

so when i got feelings, in HER MIND, i transformed from Safe Trustworthy Guy, into Untrustworthy Douchebag Asshole Jerk Typical Jerk Man!!! and then deserved to be hated.

of course this is a misjudgement on HER part and nothing i can do can change her mind. except herself.

basically because she has great trouble trusting men.

but she STILL trusts men she shouldn’t; and DOESNT trust men she SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!

like me!!!!!!!! she could trust me. and i trusted her! she herself was pretty trustworthy! and then she lost that trust in me because i liked her and thus was one of those monstrous evil bad men!

well that misinterpretation is her problem and i cant fix it, only she can.

i mean it makes sense she doesnt trust men. is slow to trust men, because men have let her down. but i dont think she should take me liking her as breaking her trust.

but she does take it that way and i  cant change that.

she probably saw men as lying deadbeat cheater scumbags who would lie and lie and lie and lie and say anything to get women to SPREAD.  the good news was that made her slow to spread in an era where too many women are too quick to spread, and treat the secs with the reverence it deserves. the bad news is that she overreacts to Friends getting Feelings. unless she has feelings for them i guess. i wish she had feelings for me!!!!!!!

so yeah she thinks i betrayed her but thats jsut because shes been betrayed by men before. but i didnt really betray her. but she sure treated me that way! so i got confused.

not talking about it didnt help either hahahhahahahaha.

the sad thing is that she STILL doesnt know how to trust properly. its one thing to be CAUTIOUS. cautious is GOOD. but its another thing to be straight up WRONG. thats bad. like her trusting shitty men, and not trusting good men, and reading innocent things as betrayal.

she trusted me once. and i liked that closeness and intimacy from a purty young woman. who was also nice and took secs seriously not casually.  and she was right to trust me. i am very trustworthy. i have never really betrayed anyone i dont think. if i did i would feel horrible.

but she was wrong to stop trusting me. and i was so shocked i wondered if maybe i DID betray her. and felt horrible and guilty. but i didnt really betray her, i concluded. i just got feelings for her.

i tried to explain all this to her, but you think she would listen to someone she no longer trusted? even if it was wrong, mistaken of her not to trust me? hell no she wasnt gonna listen to me.

i just wish she would wake up to her mistake.

if she like liked me then…..she would have continued trusting me, and would have been willing to damn talk.

yep i knew it was bad timing. maybe she would be ready like 2 years after when it happened. hahahaha so, contact her in like fall of 2016 then hahahaha. contact her in 10 months hahahahaha.

at any rate, she wasnt LYING about not wanting to be with me!

at that point in time, she could not want to be with me less!

and if she does change her mind (she wont) then its important that she contacts me (she wont). i cant keep contacting her every 4 month or so. how is that gonna make me feel.

she was mistaken about feeling betrayed about me, but she was probably not mistaken about not having feelings for me.

if she had feelings for me, she wouldnt feel betrayed by me. but normal healthy people wouldnt NEED to have feelings in order to understand that what i did was NOT a betrayal!

she is just overly sensitive to betrayal and sees it everywhere. might be paranoid. thinks the world is out to get her.

so im curious what kind of man can get past that defense. especially if she hasnt picked the greatest of partners: scumbags who cheat on her; cold uncaring stubborn closed men who dont show her luv. yet feeling betrayed by men who really do luv her and would treat her good. this does not bode well. her defense mechanism of not trusting men makes sense considering…….but she still trusts the wrong men!!! so it doesnt really WORK.

so whyd she trust those men? probably just because they were masculine and secsy to her. just Basic Masculinity thats all. And I dont have that. that sucks hahahaha.

so uhhhh yeah i shouldnt contact her because she doesnt really want me.

well maybe i could still get an apology out of her tho. and that would be helpful.

but helpful enough to put myself on the line again, tear open the wound, and probably just get no response again?

wife with a purpose, i was pretty impressed by this. she was a feminist up thru Graduate Skool but she was very into “the feminine divine” and “the sacredness of motherhood” rather than man hating feminists. now because i hate and distrust women i was being a superhard judge of her, but she won me over. i was gonna say, ok, she appreciates the divine role of motherhood. well she probably luvs abortion still. then she made a disapproving statement about abortion, so i think she is actually anti-abortion. and then i thought, well, just because she’s pro motherhood doesnt mean shes pro fatherhood. who needs a father, he is just a sperm donor. all the men i am having casual sex with, their sperm can fight it out in the old sperm sewer and whichevver sperm wins out, thats the alphaer man, but who needs a father when you have a village of unrelated men.

Nope, she is pro fatherhood as well and had her 3 children with one man she luvs and respects, and she appreciates men and likes men and says feminists are too disparaging of men. and she is sad to see MGTOWs. she understands it but says please men, dont give up on women, we’re not all shitty!

so yeah she won me over. i mean it wasnt the smartest idea to spend 900000000000 dollars on marxist grad degrees but….she seems like a decent woman. who has made a pretty big transition from left to right. however if she couldnt be indoctrinated permanently by her college and grad skool…..that indicates her being an extraordinarily strong and intelligent woman. many women get permanently rekt.  WWAP went to extremely leftist schools and STILL turned out all right. so good for her.

heh there are some really anti-women borderline misogynist comments on her video by super butthurt mras and such hahahaha. see i am still a white knight woman lover and dont wanna be like that hahahaha.

also people say she is stupid for becoming a christian. i think she actually converted to mormon. might be because of her husband hahahaha.

anyway i am a hard critic of women but she won me over. i think. i am interested in listening to more of her videos and seeing if it proves that not all women are horrible hahahaha.

that woman. i never saw her get poisoned by feminism and become one of those women who would parasite off a man, kick him out of………well she sure kicked ME out of her life didnt she?!?!?! WHOA.

whos to say that if we got married and have keeds she wouldnt do the same thing?

not that she ever liked me enough to give up her babymaker to me! that only goes to sexy men youve know for Literally A Minute! hahahaha.

also i hope WWAP wasnt a huge slut before she met her husband. in high skool and college. i get the impression that she started having kids immediately after Undergrad, which is a decent age to do it! which means she might have met her husband who she loves and is loyal to, during college? was he a mormon then? there are a lot of unanswered questions here. hahahaha.

i more or less did the best i could. i mean i learned a lesson about being a manlier man, but at the time i did the best i could. i didnt think it was gonna end when it did, the way it did. i thought we were gonna talk eventually. maybe i would have blurted it out over email or at work.

also, SHE COULD HAVE responded to email2, where i first confessed/blurted everything, said i was taking a leave of absence for “anxiety”, not sure how long. she COULD HAVE SAID, no dont do that, or i hope you come back SOON, lets talk about this so its not awkward and you can come back soon. NOPE. she said NOTHING AT ALL. NO response.

because she thought i betrayed her. but she was wrong. so is it MY responsibility to CONVINCE her that she’s wrong? im leaning towards know. i mean i really WANT her to change her mind…..but me begging her to change her mind, to stop makign the mistake shes making……it agains suggests me being her peasant, puppet on a string, slave to her every whim, power imbalance.

itd be nice if someone she DOES trust told her that she is making a big mistake by not trusting me, that her Truster is broken, that this is not a valid reason not to trust someone. but either she lied to them or is more than liekly just being silent about it. like he fell off the face of the earth, i dont know what happened to him, he wont respond to texts or emails or calls. she can tell them i ghosted HER!!!!!!!! or that we were just drifting apart.

anyway i was never in a situation like that. where i made a big mistake by hatign someone. theres only a few people i hated. and in all cases it kinda made sense. and the other person usually hated or didnt particularly like or they CERTAINLY weren’t in love with me! or begging me to respond to them!

one was my college roommate who was one of those philosophical autists who would probably be arguing that you cant prove bestiality or incest are wrong; or become a pathetic misognist antinatalist mgtow hahahaha. he had a bleak nihilist view of humanity that i found so thoroughly despairing that i just couldnt talk to him any more. and i think he did it to push my buttons because he thought i was pathetic. so we gave each other the silent treatment. he wasnt begging me to talk or for another chance. the feeling was mutual.

next person was woman2005, aka woman3, who i Casually Dated but wanted more. she dumped me but then didnt give me Space and also gave me mixed signals by making out with me a little more afterwards. I hated her at that point, probably more than i should have, so my hate was mistaken a bit………but still not a similar situation becuase the person i was Mistakenly Hating wasn’t begging me to talk or communicate or reconcile. i just didnt matter that much to her!

another person i SORT of hated was this slut mudshark whore in 2007-2009ish. she used to be “woman6” until i removed her for not being important enough. but i had a crush on her, liked her, and was even sort of friends with her, and my feelings developed pretty quickly though. i had no game or masculinity and couldnt convince her to give her cheap cvnt to me, so in the future i regarded her with the greatest of contempt and disrespect and disgust and like to see her accelerating toward The Wall and being a huge bullet i thankfully dodged.

and with That Woman…..i still dont hate her very much yet, i still luv her too much, which is interesting, in the past my luv turned to hate by this time.

im sure if i SAW her regularly i would come to hate her with white hot hate like i did with woman2005!

with woman2005 i just couldnt believe she was dumping me. i was in total denial. i was one of those creepy weirdos who JUST DIDNT GET IT. i continued to talk to her regualrly after. also i figured i could still make out with her, i would just have to share her. and i was so desperate i was willing to do that! besides thats how College Rels work! everyone dates Casually and i had to learn how to be Casual about this sort of stuff!

so did the hate allow me to get over shit faster?

i dunno. damn i looked at HER facebook page all the time. especially when drunk and emotional.

ever since woman2012, i couldnt look at their facebook pages anymore after they dumped me. it was part of no contact. and i figure its a good thing. if i looked at a picture of HER right now, WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO? would it REALLY make me hate her and get over her faster? seeing a picture of her happy with some guy shes happily give dat ass to, and moving up in her career? FOOK NO, ID WANT HER MORE THAN EVER! it would truly be TRIGGERING!!!!!!!!!!

i dont WANT to see a picture of her! ever again! it would just maek me want her more than i already do!

so yeah i just dont want to do it. i dont think it would be productive. MAYBE it might cause me to hate her, but then i would just want to hatefook her, and hatelove her hahahaha. dat awful feel where you love and hate them at the same time. usually because the rejected you, youre in love with them still, and you see them loving and fooking other men.

im honestly sure that helps you get over it any quicker. regarding feeling you feelings, or facing shit honestly and head on. yeah but that doesnt mean you have to SEE EVERYTHING.

but would it disabuse me of any delusions that she is single and lonely? that she is not happily fooking dudes and telling the whole world about it!

i cant see her facebook page anyway, SHE BLOCKED ME.

all i could possibly see is her profile picture and if it does or does not have a picture of her with some guy shes in luv with.

its just not worth it. bad outweighs the good. go with teh obvious solution.

facing the pain head on is NOT the same as TORTURING yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whats better, a single mom who has a baby with a deadbeat because she cant pick a good man or restrain herself; OR a slut who cant restrain herself from having a baby with a deadbeat, but then gets an abortion?

in other words, theres a lot of “childless” women out there who have just had abortions! which i think is itself a slippery moral slope. you think a woman who has had an abortion wouldnt cheat on you? have some guys on the side? some big black side dick? divorce you for no reason?

so now im abortionphobic hahahahahaha. i mean i have known women who have had abortionz and they werent evil women. just immature women put in a very difficult position, making a very difficult choice, and maybe not being as Morally Articulate as I. so they could easily Rationalize that this wasnt really an Official Baby, and also that they couldnt give the baby the good life it deserved. i would guess are the two top rationalizations for Abortion, NOT Oooooh yeah i luv murdering my own children cuz im a sadistic infanticidial maniac!!!!!!!!!!!

i SORTA want to contact her, but i sorta DONT. its been 117 days, i dont want to set that back to 0; also i would have to either use a new email, or a throwaway email, or send it to her Work Email, and im not comfortable doing any of that becuase it looks stalkery, also same with for example sending a message to her mother saying please give this to her. REALLY? do i REALLY want to do THAT? no not really!!!!!!!