shit. i accidentally saw the worst thing i have ever seen since perhaps “3 guys 1 hammer”, and i hesitate to even describe it! it was just godawful. would like to erase it from my memory. it was “basically” a “crushing” video but even worse. where a “woman” was using a high heel to gouge out a fluffy little animals eyes and pierce its skull and grinding into its skull with a god damn fooking high heel through its eyes and brain and skull. i think it was a dog like a fluffy little dog. you are not used to seeing the animal in such a position. it looked like its little legs were tied with a weak ribbon and it was helplessly squirming around and thank god i did not have the sound turned on. and the woman was just grinding the heel through its eyes, into its skull, jesus christ. i mean come on.

i didnt even realize what i was watching, it started right out with the heel in the eye, in progress, and how are you supposed to recognize and process that.  after like 10 seconds it sunk it and i was like oh jesus i hope this is fake. how could something so horrible be real. oh dear god cannot be unseen.

i couldnt pull my eyes away, like i had to see the horror. although i think i did not / could not watch the whoel thing. it was like a 1-2 minute webm video.

then i hid that post and shortly after reported it to Mods. meaning THEY are gonna have to LOOK at it! but i think alot of innocent readers of the 8ch thread got mindfooked accidentally watching the same thing.

i mean it COULD be fake. but it didnt look blatantly fake and i am not willing to look at it again!!!!!!!!!

it haunted my mind as i tried to go to sleep.

thankfully i was able to sleep. i had a weird dream but nothing like that horrible video.

HOW did i see such a horrible thing you may ask? i was reading an thread that was actually very interesting and good: when you are “dating” someone you think is Red Pilled, but they turn out to be horribly Blue Pilled. you think they’re cool, but they’re not really cool, and you feel disappointed and maybe even somewhat betrayed. hehehehe. had some relevance to me. it was a great thread and worth saving/linking…….except that one god damn post more than ruined the whole thread.  yeah i mean it really takes time to get over seeing something like that!

i think the post the awful poster was trying to make was, stop white knighting and orbiting the 1 woman in this thread, because women are pure evil, see what they can do!!!!!!! its a WOMAN doing this stomach churning, brain boggling evil!

i think that was his point.

which is a valid point, but he was clearly an unhinged true woman-hater broken man mgtow type. because you dont have to SHOW this kind of thing to prove the evil women are capable of. shit this will make you think women are MORE evil than they really are. the guy has to have a screw loose to have a copy of this video on his computer, and to then post the video to 8chan, to make anyone watch it.

he hid it behind a “spoiler alert” question mark so it didnt show up right away. you had to click the spoiler first to get to it.

note to self: read the responses to such posts before clicking on the question mark hahahaha.

i mean i had spent some time on 8chan earlier that day so had already seen a few pcitures of big black dicks, and dead bodies, and decapitated bodies hahahahaha. but i was not prepared for this.

and that is only right and just. i hope NEVER to be prepared for THAT. the PROPER reaction is HORRIFIED. the proper reaction is to have it haunt you at night. if you didnt have that reaction, then youd be a damn PSYCHOPATH.

anyway the guy was massively butthurt that there was a gurl talking in the thread and all the 8ch betas were trying to impress her. and i an understand the butthurt all too well. i dont like women coming into muh safe male spaces, because all the lonely thirsty betas fall all over each other trying to impress the gurl, because your Political / Social / Religious / Philosophical MOvement is 99% Thirsty Beta Virgins.

oh god i gotta stop using that word “thirsty” its gay hahahaha.

but yeah when a gurl enters these Spaces (the word space is gay too), it TOTALLY changes the dynamic. 1 gurl can change the dynamic of 100 men. if those 100 men are all desperate lonely hugless virgins!

it sidetracks the entire discussion and becomes desperate one upsmanship to compete for the woman!

kinda RUINS the INTEGRITY of the discussion.

obviously if all or most of the men had GFs or at least fook buddies, they wouldnt be so sidetracked by one gurl entering the discussion.

its so obvious that we are all SO DESPERATE for a woman that we would fall all over ourselves to appease and impress women who are ideologically, politically, morally OPPOSED to What We Believe. just gimme some leftist marxist communist baby killing SJW special snowflake anti white anti traditional puppy torturing college gurl action!

ok and the dream i had it involved some green gas that blew up in peoples faces and made them incoherent and stupid permanently. even just a little bit of it had a big impact. you breathed just one puff of it and you were a retard 4 lyfe. and kids were acting like this was the cool new drug.

anyway when i was a young nihilist throwing my life away i would sometimes look for edgy shock videos, faces of death type shit, to prove how tough and badass and nihilist i was hahahaha. yep a bad idea because you do become desensitized. but at some point i stopped looking at shit like that, i never got too deep into it thank god, and never watched any Professionally Produced and Staged Animal Torture Videos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

really watching porno was more damaging to me. cuz i watched porno regularly since i was like 15 or 16!!!!! holy shit! and i didnt realize how it could warp your mind. especially when you never had anything to do with real women.

i mean i can not look at porno for MONTHS now but i fear the damage is already done.

stupid nihilist.

heh. if a gurl can get an abortion then she could be paid to kill a puppy with a high heel into its eyes. good lord. you wonder what that woman is like in evil life. probably cant tell her from any other woman hahahahaha. probably goes oooohhhhh soooo cuuuutteeeeeee when looking at puppies and babies. then kills them for degenerate oil sheikhs for 10 grand a pop hehehehehe.

i mean there ARE people who watch this sort of stuff, prob jerk off to it. i am thankful i am not THAT fooked up!

but yeah that kinda ruined my day! got the woman off my mind tho hahahaha.

4-5 months and nothing from her, well i guess she has forgotten about me hahahaha. i was hoping thanksgiving, xmas, new years might make her nostalgiac, make her RETHINK things hahahaha. but nooooooooo.

when i first met her i thought, well shes a nice gurl, but too much baggage for me to get really involved with.

then later i was like nope not too much baggage at all. very nice gurl. not a slut. some issues but who doesnt have issues. we all do. i have huge issues. i can totally live with this. i luve her.

then it was like how could she do this to me. well because she just has weird rels with men. but what woman doesnt. they are all sluts who let way too many men partake of their most precious resource.

so they say, in order to meet good traditional women, go to where good traditional women are. like church. or meetups of traditional neoreactionary nationalists racial realists hahahahaha. see the latter is all men. a sausage fest. and the few women are either attention whores, or they already have 5 kids. the latter is great. but…. damn. That Woman was not “A Traditionalist” but she was traditional where it counted, mainly she was not a promiscuous whore. and she was not super feminist. and she was kinda anti-gay if you can believe it. she was not in favor of the big gay marriage thing. so these things allowed me to put her on a pedestal as a really Cool Red Pill Traditional Gurl.

but the bad news was that she was just THAT bad at communicating with me.

she could communicate with me about some things, like her first boifrand, but other things, like her second boifrand, and most importantly her rel with ME, she could not communicate worth SHIT about those important things.

i wasnt great either but i tried to put it out there. but got shit on becuase i was so weak and unmasculine.

well i try to be more strong and masculine when i am with women but shit i had a moment ok???!?!?!?!?!

5 scoops of coffee per pot, that seems better.

anyway. yeah just the never knowing. was the whole thing a fantasy? fook that i know she felt close to me from…..say oct 2013 to about nov 2014. after that she was picking up my signals and then she started distancing. couldnt talk about it. could only distance. well i mean i see why, lots of people distance and avoid and are too cowardly to confront issues. i have done this myself. many a time. just not really with such DEVASTATING effects on another person!

thanks to everyone who likes and follows muh blog.  ideally i would do a youtube channel and maybe even google hangouts hahahaha. but then i would expose myself and not be able to be a leader in the reactionary movement hahahaha because my NEUROTICISM is not a great leadership quality in that universe.

heh. muh neuroticism has impacted a lot.

that feel when people can just look at you and tell within 5 seconds that SOMETHING is MAJORLY wrong with you. wait, youre saying youre 30+ years old, a jobless neet, quit your job because you cant handle being rejected by a gurl you never even fooked, have a college degree but you never made more than 15DAH and never moved out of home, had secs with only 1 girl, 2 times, 11 years ago, and have been spendng the last 5 months moping and whining and bitching? WHAT THE FOOK IS WRONG WITH YOU ????!?!?!?!?!?!!??!???!????!?!?!??!

hehehehe well muh poor fam does enable me cuz they dont know what else to do with me!!!

fam doesnt know what to do with me, i dont know what to do with myself, so i take 20 mg of citalopram a day, go to shrink once every 2 or 3 weeks to deal with the artificially prolonged crisis of being Harshly Dumped and trying to get a job. any job at this point.

waaahhhh wahhhh

anyway i was gonna say yeah youre not gonna meet Single Women if you go to meetups of your interests, because your interests are 99% male anyway hahahaha.

also, single women DONT NEED TO ADVERTISE and congregate in groups. they can pick their mates remember? and the ones who dont get married young have a big screw loose! they always think they can do better! and often pick the worst men! so yes actually they can do better, they just dont want to pick anything other than a thuggish deadbeat dark triad badboi, and if they have a history of picking that, uhhhhh they are not gonna stop picking those AFTER 25 hahahaha

hmm ad for a cnc machinist for 60 hours a week, need recent 12 months working experience, they dont want shiftless jobless bums hahahahahah. and 2 years of cnc experience. of course it costs 4500$ to do a cnc training program hahaha.

whats an od/id grinder

inside diameter outside diameter. i think this can tie in to CNC or computer numerical control.

there are a decent amount of “machine shops” in the area but uhhhhh i have no idea and no experience hahaha

i am just going to google maps and looking near muh home in like these industrial / commercial parks, finding the big buildings that have linked names of companies, machine shops, grinding, cnc, aerospace, metal, steel, suppliers, OEM, injection, molding, plastics, pumps, tools, dies, tooling, power, boring, drilling, grinding, hahahaha all this shit i have no idea what it means or wat do. but jobs for grown up working class men over 30. that are definitely not straight customer service or restaurant or retail.

heh wish for high school i had just done a cnc program in one year, an hvac program another year, an electrical program another year, a welding program another year.  shit if all high schools were like that every kid could be making 15DAH at age 18, rather than struggling to make 15DAH after 30+ hahahaha.

maybe have a month for customer service, a month for restaurants, a month for retail, a month for banking, a month for technical support. a month for carpentry, a month for od id grinding hahahah, a month for health care, a month for



kid has 4 years of high school right. uh they get 3 months off for summer. well you know i would have then work coops or internships during the summer to get experience in a company. these would be arranged by the school and no keed would be left behind hahahaha. no literally the school would place every kid into a summer work program, give the kid a choice of course, give us your top 5 choices from thsi list and well try to accomodate. no interviews, no competition hehehe. cuz EVEN HUGLESS VIRGIN AUTISTS GOTTA WORK FOR A LIVING.

also the kid would make money for his summer work. not some bullshit unpaid internship. the kid would learn the value of work, and the value of money, and not have to do it at fooking MCDONALDS, but doing something semi “skilled” right from the age of 14.

ok how about, each CLASS would be on a JOB/CAREER. take 8 classes every school year. 32 classes in 4 years.

use The 32 to learn, gain experience and knowledge, and make decisions about their future work.

i would say totally immerse them in each module for like 1 month. 1 month per class. and then just like train them like you would for a job. 2 weeks of training and then 2 weeks of on the job, with the same companies who would employ the students during the summers.

is this how they already do it in germany hahahahah with the Dumb Kids?

well I would include Smart Kid careers in there too. doctor lawyer engineer researcher scientist etc.

you could pick The 32 from the list of fastest growing, or probably better would be Most Job Openings. and if the most Job Openings are in McDonalds, then you teach from the point of view of a Store Manager.

  1. electrician
  2. hvacr
  3. welding (is that the same as pipefitting???)
  4. plumbing
  5. cnc machining
  6. mason / stone
  7. wood working
  8. carpentry / construction
  9. automotive
  10. aerospace
  11. medical doctor
  12. nurse
  13. police
  14. fire
  15. lawyer
  16. mechanical engineer
  17. tech support
  18. systems analyst
  19. accountant
  20. restaurant
  21. retail
  22. biotech
  23. machine shop
  24. banking / finance
  25. (this is all off the top of my head super fast) teacher
  26. Software Engineer
  27. Electrical Engineer
  28. restaurant server
  29. call center
  30. customer service rep
  31. sales (these to all work on your peopel skills!)
  32. priest / religious

ok im cut off now hahahaha. note that these should be focused more on ACTUAL JOBS and job titles and Jobs that actually exists, rather than DEGREES which supposedly prepare you for a range of jobs.

NO. I will prepare them for the ACTUAL jobs, one by one.

there will be a number of very customer service oriented jobs so they get experience and knowledge on how to talk to people and build people skills.

that will then probably help them with Dating and Friends and Social and taking care of their life.

well…life skills are very important tho and many families dont teach them. so i would teach:

33. dating

34. communication In Relationships

35. renting a house

36. buying a house

37. personal finance and not going into debt

38. cars

39. health care

40. retirement

41. good physical health

42. good emotional health

just spitballing on some important life skill classes. i think we could tack on an extra year to my Awesome Super High School!

and then the kids could go to college if they wanted………..or they could start making at least 15DAH right out of high school. actually I would MAKE them do that for at LEAST one or two years. two years.

they could go to Cheapest Community College or Online COllege in their spare time if they wanted.

then after 2 years of work minimum they could go to a University for a Job Oriented Degree. STEM of courshe. all non stem departments would be shut down and the marxist phds made to work in call centers, restaurants, and retail hahahahaha.

of course the kids would work with counselors throughout their schooling. and the counselor WOULD get them in a summer work as well as an after skool job. trying to match it up halfway decently with the kids Skills and their personal Preferences. for example everything I was GOOD at, I also HATED. this is why i eventually Gave Up on everything.

oh thank GOD MW is doing his MIlleniyule Hangouts. they have richard spencer on there right now, he is talking quite a bit. he is a pretty big name. these hangouts have been getting some pretty big names. yesterday they had greg johnson and henrik palmgren. day before they had sargon of cukkad hahahaha. i guess we are not supposed to like him because hes dishonest. i am fine with not liking him hahaha. but he is HUGE on youtube. these “celebrity” level types basically do this for their CAREER, and woes is having them on for the very first time. basically meaning the Big Guys have been noticing Woes, AS THEY SHOULD. CANT CLOSE THE WOES. MW is awesome.

i wouldnt blame him if he wanted to take a break rather than doing 7 days in a row!




yeah shit is stupid hahaha. 123, 157 days. 140 median hahahaha. i have definitely made SOME progress. “fear” i am becoming generally woman hating, yes all women are like that, ie, they will just sell you out, leave you in the lurch, dump you, disappoint you. and i dont like womens actual innate female nature: hypergamous parasite opportunists always tyring to climb up, will dump you in an instant to get with a more successful man, leave you in the lurch, sell you out.

and you cant get mad at them for wanting resources and power. they need a mans help because they get pregnant and have to raise keeds. cant hate them for that!!!

well i say they could be NICER when they dump you. they may not like us beta men but they dont have to be so damn hateful and brutal to us! and if they find a man who is good enough for like 5 years and at least 1 kid…..dont dump him for someone marginally better!

i have heard that “old mgtows” from 10+ years ago still tolerate nonmarriage rels with women, on their own terms, ahve not closed the door to women.

but the New Mgtows are more extreme, are into shunning women altogether, and building artificial wombs, etc, because they are inherently opposed to Womens Eternal Nature: the dumping and hypergamy and leeching and destuctiveness to society and family basically.

how can someones human nature be so bad and destructive? so men create, women destroy? this does not sound “complementary” in the way we say men and women complement each other!

and then i thought well yeah because female nature has become completely unleashed, uncontrolled. it needs to be TAMED and kept inside pandoras box, and thats what a strong patriarchal society used to go. channel womens power into something that WAS productive and constructive. but you remove that and they become like crazy schizophrenic mass shooters spraying death everywhere hahahahahaha.

but get them married and children young, and they might turn out all right.

besides, woman2012 treated me all right when she dumped me hahahaha. and she was a traditional minded, conservative gurl with a good father who she was very close with. it matters hahahahah.

SHE was really the perfect woman, hahahaha. she was really TOO GOOD for me!

maybe she viewed ME as a father figure (woman2015 imean, aka that woman.) this actually makes a LOT of sense. i was 5-10 years older, i came across as very chill and wise yet also caring, would listen to her and give moral support to her, and also was not secretly in luv with her. or so she thought hahahaha. so when i did fall in luv with her, it was like your FATHER suddenly falling in luv with you, which would of courshe be weird and scary and betraying. so you just abandon and abort them hahahaha you are totally justified in doing that. no of chourshe youre not. you shouldnt do that to ANYONE. having Daddy Issues or Men Issues or Abuse Issues or Trust Issues will make it more likely for you to do things like this, and kidn of explain it……….but it doesnt make it RIGHT.

muh job was like a football game or some kind of sporting event. now i dont care about sports but just listen. the athletes spend more time PRACTICING and TRAINING than they do out on the field actually playing games. and even with two well trained teams, sometimes teams perform so bad or so well, that there are big winners and big losers who get blown the fook out. BTFO.

at job we would get blown out every day because we were eseentially all game, no practice. so you get destroyed every time you go out there. becuase you dont know what youre doing.

however your opponent isnt playing the same game and rejoicing when they defeat you. here, the “opponent” is you customers/clients/callers, and they WANT you to perform well, but you cant. you are untrained and unprepared and dont know what youre doing.

quite simply you need a lot more training, and more of a gradual ramping up for new people rather than throwing them in the deep end.

but that would involve Intensive Training, Slow Ramping, and Not Throwing a person in the deep end. all these things are very expensive and companies ahve found that they dont really need to do them. because the best, strongest employees will just figure it out.

well what about us weaklings who have a hard time in the deep end, and are thrashing and flailing attempting not to drown? well you figure out how to swim, or you drown. swim or sink.

well i know some women who have abortions feel guilt for years later. so maybe she will feel guilt for YEARS for Aborting Me hahahaha. well the big difference is, im not dead. she has the power to unabort me. unblock me. i made it VERY clear in my creepy wall of text tldr emails, that my door will always be open to her. meanwhile she slammed closed and locked and fortified her door closed against me. also its prob not good that my door ALWAYS remains open to her, but uhhh i was desperate and begging. and im no longer begging but i am desperate hahaha.

i like taking Scenic Drives ie not on the freeway. which is the antithesis of scenic.

heh. i hope she thinks of me and feels guilty whenever she sees the people at job i was friendly with. of course i dont really hang out with them any more. maybe they became friendly with her. i hope not hahahaha.

the fatclub hahahaha. there are some strange people. like the arab guy who always gets right next to me and talks on the phone loudly over the noise of the treadmill despite the sign that blatantly says dont talk on your phone here.

or another arab guy, i think its a different guy, who gets right next to me and makes weird noises and sings along with the arabic music in his headphones, loud enough so everyone around them can hear him.

hahahahaha youd think with the Rising Islamophobia (hahahaha) they would be more cautious. but no they have enough numbers to feel comfortable being annoying obnoxious arabs in public.

maybe it was albanian, i cant tell when they are singing. when they are just speaking, sure. also he looked more like an arab than an albanian.

then there is another arab looking young man who has some sort of Problem, either super autist or just plain Retarted, who makes shrill high pitched squealing noises really loud that sound like a little baby girl. at first i thought it was just an obnoxious child not being managed by their single momz (i dont think children are allowed in the fatclub thank god!), but the other day he got closer to me and i saw it was a young man with Obvious Problems in the Brain. also i think we was squealing “I LOVE U!!!!!” to random strangers. so i retrained myself that whenever he squealed, instead of getting annoyed, i was THANKFUL, and said to myself “THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I” hahahahaha

you HAVE to have thick skin and know how to deal with tough customers and how to swim when you are thrown in the deep end. but these all seem like unsurmountable challenges.

i have great respect and envy for waiters. i see 21 year old boys and girls running back and forth dealing with dickhead customers and i am like no way could i do any of that. i get confused just watching them. how do they do this. these are extremely valuable skills that should get them a better job later. and if i dont have those skills then how the hell am i supposed to get an ok job. i dont even want a good job but just an ok job hahahaha. 12DAH and low stress. its not like im ever gonna get a wife or children hahahaha.


just trying to replace a headlight bulb but the owners manual is shitty as fook. the people who built the car wrote a shitty manual. you need goddamn third party consultants to write a better manual.

i said that my job involved writing a manual for the manual so i knew how to do all the stupid procedures in our “manual” that were……..not well described to begin with. but this car manual is even worse.

it doesnt tell you how to remove the clear plastic headlight cover. at. all. looking at vidyas on youtube you discover you need an 11 mm socket wrech to get these little bolts off, AND remove the front bumper to get at a hidden third bolt. none of this is in the manual.

so thank god for youtube right?

but then i find another youtube video that SORT OF shows you know to replace the bulb without removing the bumper.

also i had thought about trying to pry off the cler plastic with a screwdriver. that would have been a bad idea but you dont know that at first! you just encounter resistance and you think, hmm do i just need to pop this off, OR if i really force it, is that going to fook it up and break it. yep its gonna break it.

when it seems the better way is to go in from behind the housing, than to come at it from the front. none of this is in the manual.

so right now im writing the manual for the manual so i ACTUALLY know how to do it. and thats what i found so frustrating about our job. but i guess i should have been thankful to have ANY manual at all! well, its true lots of stuff just was not in the manual at all. like it didnt even ATTEMPT to cover some issues.

anyway i dont like female nature. i dont like what women are. hypergamous parasites and destructive destroyers. degenerate rejectors, sellouts, traitors hahahahaha. day of the rope. you cant respect them, trust them, or like them; but you arent SUPPOSED to respect, trust, or like them. you are SUPPOSED to be powerful and manly enough to attract a woman and earn her loyalty, and also keep her in line. if youre not strong enough to keep a woman in line…… dont deserve a woman!

so its very rare when i like a woman As A Person. almost never happens. and i liked HER as a person. a likeable woman? talk about rare. so she became extra special to me. to appreciate a woman as a decent person rather than a disgusting secs object that its unfortuante that you have to be attracted to but can never attain?

sure i sound like a woman hater but i dont really hate women they just annoy and disgust me by being sellout whores. and when i become friends with women they see that i am a decent non hateful person. it only really makes me angry and upset and mad and sad when women i like and care for disappoint me or hurt me.


playing super high stakes holdem now. about twelve times bigger than i would like to hahahaha because its the only table with any players. i got AA and raised preflop and was got no callers. be very lucky to break even on muh buyin here. the minimum buyin is twice the maximum buyin i usually like.

ok just lost mad money i and dont think i played a single hand all the way through.

going to urban dictionary and voting down all sex positive defintions of “slut” and upvoting all the contemptuous definitions meaning that being a slut is UNdesirable hahhahaa


yeah the big problem now is just the feeling of incompetence, like shit i cant DO anything. tell me to do something and i will get confused and stupid and cant figure it out and need too much help.

but this is false. at my job i needed some help but i didnt need TOO MUCH help. those people they laid off within 1 month hahahaha.

if you have to MANSPLAIN to a woman why being a slut is wrong and bad……..she’s never gonna get it. use her for short term secs and nothing more. use the thickest strongest condos you can get even if she begs for it raw dog. not only are these women horribly promiscuous but they are stupid and unsafe and have plenty of raw dog secs!

its like standard fookparty and gay psychos bug chasing who WANT to get “poz loads” and intentionally get AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they turn getting aids into a secsual fetish!!!!!!!! how fooked up can you be?????!!?!?!?!

so women are similarly fooked up by just giving their uterus away, FREQUENTLY, to SHADY men who probably have herpes at LEAST, AND not insisting on condos, so they vastly incrase the risk of getting preggers, and at LEAST getting herpes, etc.  wtf??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

so yeah if you have to mansplain some so common sense…….bitches be cray, avoid this woman, except for secs, assuming she will let you, the “THIRSTY BETA”, have any hahahaha.

dont hate the thirsty betas! we cant ALL be confident alphas and get secs!

i dunno. maybe pretend to be a SJW so you can bang a crazy slutty SJW gurl, and you will have enough disdain for their way of life so that you dont ever come across as desperate or thirsty or pedestalizing, therefore you can bang her as much as you want, until you get BORED of it. have you ever banged a girl so MUCH you got BORED of doing it? i didnt think so hahahaha. that is something on my bucket list for sure.

yeah that would boost up the confidence. if you can deal with a WOMAN, you can deal with the toughest customers, wiht the strangest situations, with confusion and uncertainty, act like a real man.

anyway it sucks to really like a woman, then they do something shitty to you, and you CANT like them any more. then you kind of hate them. then you kind of hate all women. until you find another one you like, who doesnt fooking leave you in the LURCH. and borderline damn BETRAY you hahahaha. she betrayed me a lot more than i betrayed HER!

did she think i was her father figure? maybe. and fathers dont fall in luv with their daughters. well i never saw her as my “daughter” figure. however i DEFINITELY felt my PROTECTOR urge come out for her. like i want to protect her from harm and pain and make her safe and happy. white knight, captain save a ho hahahaha.

normie sheeple get really excited about the new star wars movie. i just dont even care. i dont understand how this could be an important thing in anyones life.

world record speed clapping

but this guy on the clapper commercial has a better style imho even though hes slower

well, i mean a father protects his daughter, and a man protects his wife. every MAN has some sort of PROTECTIVE instinct towards women, especially daughters and wives.

if you get that instinct towards a woman, good sign you have real feelings to her. random women i could care less. go fook yourselves into oblivion. although i feel not great about white women throwing themselves away. i cant stop them. if i am in a position to, then….. i dunno. will i get feelings for any white woman i am close to? probably, if they are in their 20s, have no children, and are not shaped like a fat potato.

bonus points if they are 25 or under, are actually sort of cute in some way, and especially if they are not a slut, and think being a slut is bad.

honestly. yeah i know i am a huge loser beta but you didnt have to do THAT, you coulda been a little nicer. i was an even bigger loser beta with the previous woman and she was nicer to me.

maybe she thought i was Too Old to be interested in a young gurl like her?

well her main boifran was like 5 years older than her! maybe 6! and i wasnt THAT much older than HIM!!!!

so yeah. i dunno. i hate that its all my fault because i was a weak pussy and women Just Hate that. you have to be strong and dominant AT ALL TIMES. that would be NICE, but…….i didnt show THAT much weakness to her anyway. i was jsut caught off guard to see that she would be willing to flush our whole friendship down the toilet. i dont have a ton of experience being friends with women either. but when i do, i never fall in luv with them. this was totally new ground for me. but its not rocket science. just try to be nice and communicate. but not be weak. so i couldnt handle her shit tests?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? no not really hahahahaha.

so i am gonna fall apart whenever some gurl gives me a SHIT TEST?

well she wasnt just Some Gurl to me! she was a friend i knew for 2 years!

when there is a woman in our political / social movement it is exciting for us “thirsty beta white knights” who both pedestalize and hate women hahahaha. so the rise of sinead mccarthy is kind of interesting. people verbally brutalize her for being a Flat Earther and a Coal Burner Mudshark and an Idiot. well flat earth is stupid and

i dont know if she responded to the coal burning rumor. there are pictures of her socializing with blacks and or hugging a black guy hahahahahaha well all white gurls have hugged a black guy. problem is they think secs is as casual as hugging hahahahahahaha.

here is the infamous MW xmas hangout which i was happy to be in the chat room with Big Guy 4U like sargon hahahaha. but other actually kewl people like pale hominid and wife with a purpose were in there too. maybe sinead mccarthy can get in on one of these hahahaha MW is doing 7 of them. he should do at least 1 a month imho.

anyway yeah is sinead really being put up as a waifu figure? how many of us are lonely loser virgins? some guy on TRS forum made the great point that when you have an actual 3d gf, it makes you less of a desperate “thirsty” white knight to other women cuz you actually have an actual woman in your life hahahahaha. i wonder what that feels like. prob pretty good hahahaha. confidence building.

yeah 2015 was definintely a good year for sinead, lots of attention, david duke, red ice, shiksa goddess, etc. she does have a white child so that is good. and yeah i would totally bang her even if she is old hahahahahahaha. no she is probably younger than me hahahaha.  did she say she was 26? then everybody in the chat balked at that and said she looked older. oh well. i would still bang her. but how crazy is she. some say very. well if she were showering me with attention and warmth and secs and loyalty, i would probably fall under her spell hahahaha. wonder what her traditionalist white husband is like. how much he makes. he is probably a big masculine huge viking type hahahaha.makes 100k + a year as an engineering project manager then goes out and does Strongman shit hahahaha. NO im not claiming he actually does. just spitballing. and he’s probably well above 6 feet hahahaha. 6 foot 3 at LEAST.  anyway yeah i like pale white nonfat girls with long purty hair.

so yeah

just spending the holidays in MW’s livechats hahahaha not even really listening to the hangout, but watching the ridiculous chatbox

it is pretty exciting, really on the cutting edge here.

but yeah sucks being a jobless failure at life and quickly becoming a huge neet shutin hahahaha

cant become a real man, blba bla bla


december 17

yeah i mean its ridiculous. i think things ARE actually improving with the simple Passage of Time, the Time Heals All argument. well….really things are starting to FADE, not by a LOT mind you, but by a tiny bit. 1%. 1% in 122 days of no contact, so, therefore, i should be 100% over it in about 12000 days hahahahahahahahhahahahaa. yes thats like 35 years. shit 35 years and i could probably get over being violated by bubba.

but yeah contacting her wouldnt set me back 122 days but it would set me back more than i need. 30, 60 days maybe hahahaha. because it makes her more fresh and real in my mind. makes her a part of my real life again, even if she doesnt answer. i still really contacted the real her and thats enough. thats more real than just obsessing and ruminating about her all the time even. eventually i will get tired of that. but NOT if i contact her!

also seeing them is a kind of contact; and looking at their facebook is a kind of contact; and lastly, asking people who DO see her about her is a kind of contact. i do not do any of these hahahaha. i mean i have had a total BLACKOUT of her for 122 days, and it is starting to show tiny benefits. tiny gains hahahaha.

stuff like, i cant fix her issues. it doesnt take a brain surgeon to figure out how to act in this situation even if shed never been in it before: JUST BE NICE. TRY to be nice. dont just block me and run away. I. Cant. Even. maybe she didnt feel BETRAYED, she was just scared or I. Cant. Even. and essentially ABORTED Me.

maybe she didnt even feel BETRAYED. it doesnt relly MATTER. the end result on me was the same.

and it doesnt matter WHY she did it. i have pretty good theories. but the end result was the same, PLUS she refused to talk about why she did it, so………

yeah.  this is all the closure im gonna get hahahaha.

blocking me on fb was the Kindest thing she did for me because it sent the clearest message: Im BLOCKING You, i dont want to even LISTEN to you, dont send me emails or texts or try to talk to me because i will not read/listen to it.

when person A BLOCKS person B, you think person B has the power to remove that block?

can person B convince person A to remove the block by BEGGING?

so yeah i forget about the facebook block because i deact fb because it was all too much to take, but it does help explain things, and is honestly actually literally the clearest message she “communicated” to me about all this: dont try to communicate with me, beause i will not listen. whether thats out of fear or anger or confusion doesnt really matter, cuz the shit is still happening.

social justice discussion placemats so you can educate your racist family about hwite prvilege and institutionalized racism when you come home for crimbo from harvard and have to see your racist uncle hahahahahahahahah

yes this is actually happening. it was pretty bad when i was in kollege 10+ years ago and its getting even worse. the sad thing is, i bought into it, because i thought its what smart, successful, educated people believed, and i was just desperate for Acceptance and Friends and to be Liked and for just one of these thousands of cute gurls to hang out with me hahahahaha. i was young dumb and full of jizz hahahahaha. i understand that now. part of why i am such a huge right wing reactionary traditionalist racist now! someone to make up for the idiocy of my youth.

drinking coffee and stomach is gurgling and water faucet a55 hahahahahaha

actually had an interesting social incident yesterday. went out to play trivia which is my main social thing, and one of our team members, who is a great guy but also a very stubborn smartass who is not afraid to give shit right back to people, made smartass remarks to a nearby group who were being loud and obnoxious and gay. they continued to escalate and he is very good at pushing buttons and making idiots like this extremely mad, or maybe they were just extremely big idiots, yeah probably. then that group kept bitching and making remarks about our group the whole time, loudly, trying to escalate with us, that we were faggot motherfockers talking shit and being bitches. i mean this is the type of shit that easily turns into A Physical Fight Outside.

and i am such a big beta pussy that i have never been in an actual physical fight, and this is one of those things that builds a mans character, makes him a real man, makes him successful with life, jobs, and women. if you never have a fight, you become a failure like me hahahahaha.

nonetheless i was not looking forward to a fight! the idea made me anxious and pussy.

but they left soon after and the guy came up to our table and got in the face of our team member and said “if i ever see you again, i’m gonna put a BULLET IN YOUR HEAD” to which our guy said “ok thanks.” and then another guy from their side spilled the pitcher of soda that was on our table, which i got the brunt of, and they left.

it was all pretty ridiculous but also exciting and entertaining. the bullet in the head remark was interesting because most “normal” people would just say “if i ever see you again, im gonna KICK YOUR ASS” but no, this guy was all abut the bullet in the head, which has a heavy implication of Death which “kick your ass” does not.

also it was disturbing that these were white men around 25 years old. and their cute gurlfrans of course. this is how you pull cute white gurls. by acting like a black thug essentially.

shit yeah im a racist. i would almost expect this crude, barbaric behavior from nonwhites, but not from whites. we whites can DO BETTER THAN THAT.

anyway i just hate the god damn feeling of being incapable and incompetent and cracking under pressure and not being able to do a damn job………let alone a serious normal job of a normal 30+ year old man, with a wife and kids. i mean thats the general yardstick for me. i sort of wanted to be happily married by age 39 and with 1 or 2 kids! with the stable gainful job to be able to do that! and the idea that that will not, can not happen is a bti dreadful! although i still have some years to go before 39 hhahahahaha thank god. if i really got my act together, maybe i could still do it. change my attitude, practice Game, seek out a nice traditional woman, get masters degree of business hhahahaha, get a solid 18DAH job, try to find a small house not in a nonwhite drug crime ghetto hahahhaahaha. also the poorer whites get huge into drugs too, painkillers mostly. drink booze, do painkillers, threaten to kill other white people for mere shit talking, bang white trash sluts who bang all sorts of guys, nobody has fathers, or their fathers are all drugged deadbeats who beat their children, just white trash with filthy souls hahahaha. whites who act and live like blacks hahahahaha. and not the good kind of blacks. but the thuggy tyrone ones.

what about the black losers who are offended by what i say? well you dont really need me now do you. i would say join the men’s group at your local black church. assuming they are not all captain save a ho. find a nice black gurl who isnt a sheboon whore and have a tight knit black family where you dont abandon your children. in fact its ok if you dont have children, or get a damn vasectomy!

i would support our fedgov giving ….. 5 grand? to young black men to get a vasectomy hahahaha. well what if theyve already had 5 kids by age 20 hahahah well easy you give them the vasectomy at age 13 hahahaha

shit looked at that persons linkedin page. this i think is not as bad as fb becuase, no pictures, no updates, no nothing, she has 0 connections. really i am looing for any updates. like new job, new connections, fixing the atrocious spelling and grammar and logical mistakes in her profile, putting words together that dont belong together and dont make sense, spelling errors, hahahaha yet she is much more successful at life and will make much more money than me!!!!!!! she is my competition! i compete with men and women for jobs, and with men for women hahahaha

she has issues with Men, period. because of her father, and her mother being unable to pick a decent man; and men doing men things to her; she hates men essentially! unless she is in luv with them, or they are Ghey. but she does NOT know how to dump a man or reject a man or deal with men who like her when she doesnt like them. she just aborts them.  maybe to Project the inferiority she felt when men had hurt or rejected her in shitty ways.

whenever shes ended things with a man, its NEVER been “good.” when the guys initiated it, it was bad. i think her main boifran was terrible at communicating. so now she is terrible at communicating too.

techincally its not hard. you just be nice and say what you want to say honestly, but in as nice of a way as possible.

ok fatclub tiem

122/156, avg 139 days hahahaha.

went to fatclub, got 9 miles, i can now jog longer than i used to but it doesnt feel like a huge accomplishment. the sweat soaking muh shirt feels like more of an accomplishment. also i am not a fan of jogging in general because its not good for your body longterm and will destroy your legs and knees and joints and ankles and feet and give you chronic pain and shit hahaha. so, use the elliptical then. well i tried it once and did not like it at all. it LITERALLY did not let you go slower than 5 mph. and i like to go slower than 5 mph a lot of the time!

think about this: in GERMANY it is ILLEGAL to HOMESCHOOL your child! also in sweden; and netherlands. and greece. and liechtenstein. there are other european countries where it is illegal but these are the “less important” countries and ex soviet countries hahahaha. basically the point im making is, finding big first world powers where homeschooling its illegal. yes its legal in UK. legal in norway and denmark and finland but NOT sweden.


tfw you will never be able to homeschool your children because you will never have children with a decent woman who agrees with you homeschooling is good, and if you did by some miracle meet a Cool Girl like that, you wouldnt make enough money to allow your wife to stay at home with several children because both you and your wife need to slave away for 15 DAH and put your 1 child in daycare 50 hours a week with molesters and psychos and degenerates and terrorists if you just want to have 1 kid! but in reality you are an unemployable neet whos best hope is a 12dah customer service job! and no that job wont be easy to get, but will take 10 years to get.

anyway the big epiphany for today was that idea that i was ABORTED, that this what this is most analogous to is AN ABORTION. i mean: when a woman has an abortion, she doesnt say OH YEAH I LUV MURDERIN MUH BABEEZ, they feel they are between a rock and a hrad place, have to make a difficult decision, and they are really doing it for the good of the child, who they could not have been a good mother to. i dont think they understand HOW HORRIBLE of a thing they are doing because The Left has done a great job in making the culture very abortion friendly. and gives a bunch of rationalizations for women to help them feel better about something that is even worse than they think.

and yeah they still feel regret and shame afterwards. not surprising!

anyway it doesnt mean they HATE their baby or feel BETRAYED by the baby or they Love Murder. they just want to Get Rid Of The Problem in a quick convenient way, and its easy to RATIONALIZE why its not Evil Murder.

so she doesnt have to hate me or feel betrayed by me or whatever, she can just Abort Me from her life. and boom i am dead and gone.

the people that do this need to become skilled at Rationalising their horrible decisions, as well as Avoiding and Ignoring things. sweeping them under the rug, forgetting all about it.

so yeah its like an ABORTION and probably involves the same confusion, cognitive dissonance, rationalization, excuse making, that women tell themselves to lessen the guilt of killing their baby hahahaha by convincing themselves they are not in fact killing their baby, but SPARING the life a FUTURE unhappy child, but right now its just an embryo of cells, so better to get rid of it now, when its hardly developed and you cant really call it a human anyway. and yeah thsi is unpleasant and i dont want to have to do it again so i will be more careful about Secs. or not hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

but yeah it helps a woman develop her skill at getting rid of things, rationalizing them, and forgetting about it. you can get rid of all sorts of things: Embryos, Lovers, Friends, Family.

so do i want to be with someone who ABORTS me?

does someone who ABORTS me show any willingness to be in a good decent healthy loving rel with me?


how can you have a good rel with someone who ABORTS you when you beg them PLEASE DONT ABORT ME?




well i now like using earplugs to sleep at night even though shit isnt very loud, i am just that sensitive to every little sound, that i prefer the sense of all sounds being blocked out by the earplugs. the problem is i wonder how safe it is to the ears, and the ears can sometimes feel a little sore in the morning, possib from the pressure of these foam things in your ears.

google ear pain from sleeping with earplugs

anyway lemme write about this stupid dream quickly

yes it was THAT WOMAN. i was hanging out with her AND another woman. i was glad i was being given a chance but she still seemed a little mad or annoyed at me. the other woman was trying to womansplain what i could have done better: “youve really got to make an effort to communicate you feelings to her and what you’re feeling at every step of the way, rather than keep it bottled up or hidden or not talk about it.”

i wanted to say “THATS WHY I WAS TRYING TO DO, but SHE wasnt willing! SHE never wanted to LISTEN to me!” because that might make her more mad at me.

i just said “yes, i agree with you completely. great advice. i’ll do that. i just want to have a good rel with her.”

AND THEN BOOM she, that woman, was naked and i caught a glimpse of her YOU KNOW WHAT on top of me and i was like o god its happening right now, didnt expect that so soon, didnt think she was that kind of gurl, well this complicates things a little but id be a fool to say no to this. plus its not like i dont want this at all! she threw me a string of condos that were all attached to eachother like a roll of scratch off lottery tickets. the condos were TINY, or looked tiny from the package. i thought, well, i’m no tyrone, but this is a little insulting. i also saw the expiration date was 2012. i thought maybe she is trying to get pregnant. maybe i could rationalize to myself her getting an ABORTION, maybe im a monstrous murderer. well cross that bridge if we come to it. i would be a fool to turn this down. i havent had secs in 10 years. and i luv this gurl. this may strengthen our bond, make her luv me moar. just fookin DO IT.

so i put one on, it wasnt too small, she went to the bathroom and thats i remember of that “scene.” its possible we never actually had secs. she was still a little bit cool and distant, as if to guilt trip me, like i dont really LIKE this or you, i’m just gonna do this to get you to stop being so damn annoying. when i would have been happier with her happily cuddling, rather than her begrudgingly having secs! i wanted her to feel close to me, and be happy with me, and show me luv.

then shortly after i saw her with this black guy and she was visibily overjoyed, so happy to see him, holding his hand, fawning over him, staring and smiling at him, and i was like, THATS what i want from her. and she’s got it for this black guy but not me.  (muh racial cuckold nightmare hahahaha)

he was a lighter skinned black guy and had a “jamaican reggae laid back” feel about him rather than “chimping out thug groid.” he was tall and strong chest and shoulders and light skinned and fairly handsome, dreadlocks, kinda looked like a more masculine/bigger bob marley, who i think was half white btw.

i guess he left and i went up to her and was like, uhhhh whats going on with that guy, you were just having secs with me yesterday

and she immediately got annoyed and eye rolling, ughhhhhh, what youre gonna get JEALOUS? i cant see other people? hes a great guy, i really like him, i can do what i want, you dont own me.

and i was just confused and frustrated and jealous. i just wanted her to treat me like she treated him. just be kind and loving to me, not hateful and contemptuous. i dont really CARE about you having secs with me, we can get to that later. and yes i AM bothered by you “dating” several people. ie having secs with several guys at once. with expired condos hahahaha.

and that was the main point of the dream.

there was a “side story” in that we were all hanging out in a house/apartment where we were essentially breaking and entering. into a policemans house while he was out At Work. and i was like really? why are we doing this. you are literally ASKING to be arrested and go to jail for a felony. ultimately i said enough is enough and i left and then started to run. i sensed the 5-0 was gonna show up soon. and indeed very soon i saw a Party Wagon and i slowed down as if i was doing nothing wrong. as soon as i got out of sight of it, i started running again. i thought, these stupid idiots. breaking into peoples houses just to have a place to hang out, and just by BEING there you are doing a felony. is this supposed to be SEXY to impress WOMEN?

i was disturbed she was giving out secs so easily. was that just what was normal nowadays? didnt she realize the risks of this? and she shouldnt give it out willy nilly to multiple guys at once, especially to guys she doesnt really like? like me? she was just begrudgingly trying to appease me. and i didnt want begrudging appeasement. just Show Me Love hahahahaha PLEASE!!!!!

PLEASE SHOW ME LUV!!!!!!!! dont hate me! im not abusing you or being unloving to you! my only crime is being a weak beta and PUTTING UP with this bullshit! which, in womens eyes, is worse than raep hahahaha.

if i begged her for an apology, i might feel ok soon after, but then id be like, wait, that WASNT GOOD ENOUGH. what good is a FORCED APOLOGY. she has to really know what she did was wrong and truly apologize for it. i would be left STILL WANTING a REAL apology, and i would not get it.

really i want her to understand and admit and realize that what she did was WRONG. and apologize to me for it.

oh she may realize it but be too SCARED to apologize to me, because…….because its been so long. too long. and if i contact her saying uhhhhhhhh i still am open to an apology, it would SCARE her and convince her i was the bad guy.

i have to TAKE THE HIGH GROUND. by doing NOTHING. theres nothing i CAN do. if i contact her then i look like the creepy bad guy who cant move on, further convincing her that she did nothing wrong. as she gives her uterus and luv away cheaply hahahaha.

whats the root cause?

EVERYTHING can be explained by the following, in one combination or another:

she had a deadbeat father who more or less abandoned her.

her mother had mostly bad rels with men

therefore she doesnt trust men

and her chooser is broken so she picks bad men and ignores good men.

and she is a classic avoider. she avoids EVERYTHING.

and there ya go. doesnt make what she did RIGHT, but it more or less explains it. gives you the answer to WHY she did this. because shes terrible with men because of her mother and father hahahaha.

who knows if she was abused by one of her mothers boifrans? i will never know. i dont think she was. i have met the mother who seemed like a decent person despite sounding sketchy on paper. i dont think she would allow her children to be abused like some single mothers do hahahaha. she would be more likely to kick the man to the curb before that point.

but still the mother cant seem to have a decent rel with a decent man, so that certainly rubbed off on the children im sure. well then why was the daughter in such a long term rel? because she really luved the guy and was doing all the work. she was very willing and loving. shit i bet she is still getting over him even if she thinks she isnt.

but yeah i want to get to a point where i cant think about this any more. im done, im bored with thinking about it. i think it will happen some day but im not quite there yet. oh well. its good that i can say there will probably come a day in the future hahaha. TRUST THE PROCESS.

she has a sibling who has been in a rel for like 5 years, his first and only major rel of his young life, i guess similar to what happened with her. they start dating at like 18 or 19 instead of 15, and their first real rel is a deep, long term, marriage like one. i wish they just got fookin married!!!!!!!!!!!

but in the end, HE (that womans bf) wanted out.

i have no idea about the brother and his longterm gf. i think that is more balanced and mutual and two way street. but i never got as close to the family as i would have liked…….because she was BLOCKING me from hanging out with her. so who cares about the damn family. well when we were friends, we talked about her family and she shared things about her family! and i met her mother a few times. why SHOULDNT i be interested in her family????!!! damn!!!!!!!!!

i did nothing wrong. but im the type who takes EVERYTHING personally. so when she went apeshit on me, i thought i MUST have done something REALLY wrong, and it took a while to realize i really DIDNT. this is HER Issues and insecurity too. namely, her taking SUCH offense and feeling SO betrayed when a male friend gets feelings for her. god damn, its NOT A CRIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! throwing somebody out of your life is a LOT worse!!!!!!!!!! -1 vs -20 hahahaha.

and its HER ISSUES which made her REACT to me liking her so BADLY.

and those issues come from mother and father and bad experiences with men, men are BASTARDS!!!! nto necessarily abuse, but hugeass disappointment and failure and rejection hahahaha.

(well stop PICKING bastards then. but thats another issue. her Picker is fooked up, like with many women. they CANT pick good men. and again that MORE THAN LIKELY is Root Cause by No Father or even no Father Figure! i mean she has male relatives but at the end of the day they really cant be the father figure, you really need pref the father, or MAYBE if the mother picks a DECENT stepfather (many dont) at an early enough time in the childs life.)

i just thought a woman who had actually experienced disappointment and rejection from men, might be able to relate better to me, who had experienced constant failure and rejection and disappointment from women. someone who understands the pain of rejection and disappointment. cuz most women DONT. cuz they are the ones usually DOING the rejection and the disappointing!

i appreciate a person who really understands rejection and disappointment and loss, and she did. however it didnt help her in treating me better when she rejected me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway my ear canals feel like theyve been savagely violated by Bubba, might have to stop with these earplugs. but they really do work well with sleeping more solidly/soundly.


maybe she thinks she doesnt DESERVE a good man so she subconsciously pushes good men away. makes sense. lots of women do this, then Consciously choose thugs and deadbeats and abusers and cheaters and Unavailable or Unwilling men.

well, as a beta loser, i probably dont DESERVE a good decent woman, but i sure as hell WANT one and would not push one away!

also re no contact: remind yourself that not only does she not want to talk to you, she doesnt even want to LISTEN to you! thats why she BLOCKED you on facebook! she doesnt even want to LISTEN to what you want to tell her. i often forget that she BLOCKED me. blocking does send a clear message: i dont want to listen to you. and whose job is it to remove the block? thats HER job, if she ever wants to do it. which she probably doesnt. HER JOB TO REMOVE THE BLOCK, NOT MINE.

so blocking me is really the nicest thing she did for me, becuase its the clearest communication she sent me. isnt that sad? BLOCKING is the NICEST thing she did for me? because she couldnt write me a message in FIVE MINUTES? couldnt take FIVE MINUTES to end an ALMOST THREE YEAR FRIENDSHIP in a decent dignified kind respectful way????? DAMN. SMDH. WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT HER?

anyway i see a Budget Rental small truck driving around my neighborhood and the driver is wearing a FEDEX coat and delivering fedex packages, scanning them and all.

immediately i thought the worst: that he’s a contractor or 1099’er for fedex, or working for an agency, so he’s getting paid less than a REAL fedex person even as he works FOR fedex. probably as a damn temp. he’s gotta start BELOW THE BOTTOM and work his way UP to the BOTTOM. damn. prob part time at 36 hours a week cuz then theres a law that they have to offer you benefits after 1000 hours? if i were A Manager or A Hirer i would know this, but of courshe im not and never will be hahahha.

if youre over 30, women will only date you if you are a MANAGER or above hahahaha

so i thought, damn. i bet he is working 36 hours a week, part time, for 8 bucks an hour, and i BET he has to pay to rent that Budget truck out of his own pocket. Fedex just tells him, get a truck, we dont care how, rent it, no we wont reimburse you any, no, we dont have any deals with companies, just go whereever and rent a truck and show up here tomorrow morning for your 8 bucks an hour. and also you ahve to pay for your fedex jacket. and pay for your scanner. we will take that out of your first paycheck. be glad were not asking for a deposit now. no we dont take credit cards. pay $200 cash to us before your first day of work, rent a truck with your own money, and you too can make 8$ an hour.

when maybe thats not the case. maybe Fedex paid for the truck. and the scanner. although soe places make you pay for your own work uniform. MAYBE a fedex truck broke down and The Business Analysts determined that it costs less to rent a truck for the month of december and then replace the truck in january. i wonder if that was explained to the driver. well he doesnt need to know. i guess thats true if he doesnt have to explain to customers why hes driving a rental truck.

but yeah it bothered me when i had to explain shit, like refusing service because it cost too much. and i cant find a good article on the WHOLE INTERNET that teaches you how to Refuse Service Because It Costs Your Company too much. is this SECRET, clandestine information? NO, EVERY company has to do this! the best i can come up with is talking points on how to refuse or negotiate a discount, when the stubborn customer demands a discount you dont want to give. thats valuable info, and kinda relevant, but kinda not. and it sounds terrible to say, we’re gonna chose to leave the shit broken because it costs more to fix it that to elave it broken. well couldnt you say that about anything? yeah but this broken thing is not adding enough value to where we will MAKE MONEY ultimately after incurring the cost to fix it. tell your customers that hahahaha.

i mean this is a basic part of Business Sense. so why is there nothing good on the internet on how to do it? they should have textbooks in high school on how to do it. the people that know how to do it have a better shot of being successful at their jobs. its a very important skill, but no way to be trained in it. its a big secret that you just have to figure out and no one puts it on the internet. yet they put everything else on the internet. maybe its ilegal like child pron. its illegal to help train workers to make their businesses more profitable hahahaha.

this is what managers call “setting you up to fail” and it happens in all workplaces. they throw you to the wolves, say figure this shit out with no help or youre fired. what the fook.

good god. instead of pulling everybody off the phones for a Weekly Update Meeting because it costs too much to train, have a higher up make a 1 hour video every week and then have people watch it in their “downtime”, ie, their OFF TIME.

oh because it will break our companies internet to host that video on our servers, and we cant put it on youtube cuz its confidential proprietary in house shit. it costs too much for us to use GOOD EQUIPMENT. this is why shipping companies drive trucks until the wheels fall off, and shoot out loud exhaust like uncle buck in front of the customers, looks real professional. becuase it costs too much to fix shit and to have good tools.

did a nice 9 miler


i dont miss anything degenerate, i miss having a nice person who used to be nice to me, who i felt close to and loved!

its hard to stop loving someone and start loving someone new! it takes a LONG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn!!!!!!!!!!

i think it SHOULD take a long time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so yeah dont listen t people who tell you you should be over it by now.

this was strong love that new families are born from. children are made.

if it was meant to be though… would have worked out. SHE would have loved me. really its SIMPLE. i loved her, she didnt love me. period.

yeah it slowly gets better but its still just horrific. despite the father issues and the trust issues and the men issues i still cant believe she did that to ME.

well, i had never seen how she acted with male friends who slowly fell in luv with her after a long time. because there were none. she didnt have many friends period. her main male friend is a homosexual. i liked that she didnt have 9000000000000 shallow “friends” and acquaintances and orbiters. she hung out with her family and her boifran and like 2 real friends. which i was becoming one of.

so yeah it was all new to her. she didnt know how to act. i didnt know how she would act.

but still. it never happened to me yet i still know how to act: golden rule baby. always be nice. you can dump me, just BE NICE about it! its not complicated! she had more than enough time to THINK ABOUT how she wanted to deal with me. hint: the correct answer is not complicated. JUST BE NICE.

iceland is slightly bigger than ireland in area.

yep its true. svalbad about 23 k, ireland 32 k, iceland 39 k.

are there a lot of nonwhite immigrants in iceland hahahaha maybe i should move there.

but i hear all the gurls are promiscuous sluts. like they fook guys they dont even know.

i dont care if its a high trust society. women should NEVER be sluts. 100 0. they just have too much to lose. too much reproductive responsibility. even when the guy is an upstanding white icelandic gentleman. the pregnancy and childraising is not any physically different than if the father was a black deadbeat hahahaha. bix nood muf00ka sheeeeet.





its gonna take a long long time.

feel the horrible pain and loss and anger and sorrow and hate and love and loss, but dont TORTURE yourself masochistically by

  1. looking at them on facebook. shit. bloc them, block everyone associated with them. deactivate facebook for you.
  2. dont contact them, really you want them back. if they wanted you back, theyd contact you. and they sure havent done that have they. sometimes they DO. i dont know what to do in that situation. i would of course take them back. with many serious long conversations about how they can never do that again. well i cant take them “BACK” because i was never with them to begin with; and i dont want to be Just Friends. I just want them not to HATE me for something thats not worth hating somebody for.
  3. should you beat meat thinking of them? PROBABLY NOT. its probably even more useful for you to think of them fooking other people…..cuz thats what theyre doing. but that is kinda torturous too.


google how to pretend you know what youre talking about

this was something we had to do every day all day at job and it took its toll on me but sometimes i managed to do it.

shit. what she did here makes it easier for me to Hate All Women, cuz this was a woman I LIKED. in the sense of respected and admired. how often does this happen? never!

also her just Disappearing makes it easier for me to project HORRIBLE things on her, like oh she is out getting assfooked on a website right now to get money for Drugs or something. just taking multiple black dicks at a time. spitroasted.

makes her look worse than she really is in other words. well what does it matter tho, if shes horrible to me? so its good for me to make her into an even BIGGER monster!!!!!

well really i would just prefer a happy medium. see her as a flawed but not monstrous human being. instead i turn her into the boogeyman, a huge whore that is like the whore of babylon or some shit, taking 10 dark cox all at once.

you say i am obsessed about being Cucked by Cox of different races. Well, its a fact, that some women who have rejected ME, did NOT reject the Nonwhite Coch. and yes it does sting knowing for a fact that they sucked and fooked that dark coch but wanted nothing to do with me.

so….visualizing them fooking and sucking black coch, like i know they did…..that would make me hate them faster, therefore i could go through the hate phase quicker, and therefore get to the end phase of indifference / over it faster?


i dunno maybe. its not as counterproductive as contacting them or looking at them on FB. thats supertorture.

shit i could reactiveate my FB and see if shes still blocking me!


SHE REALLY WANTS TO, SHES JUST AFRAID TO. so she needs me to contact her.

that kind of thinking will get you in TROUBLE. GOD DAMN. DONT DO IT.

She threw me out of HER life. and not for anything that would warrant being thrown out of anyones life, like abusing them or stalking them or cheating on them.

oh but you ANNOYED her with your WEIRDNESS you beta creeper.

maybe but thats still not a valid reason for throwing someone out of your life.

when someone throws you out of their life, and you havent done a HORRIBLE thing, and if youre not a horrible person, then you probably havent. you will just sit there for a few months worrying about whether you did soething horrible. but you didnt. since when is getting feelings and being a little awkward about it HORRIBLE. NEVER.

but for months you will think you did something horrible. because why else would they do this to you.

it never ends. like a never ending nightmare. someone who was once kind to you now doesnt care if youre alive or dead.

heh i guess i was so desperate for young women to be NICE to me. i suppose if another purty young woman were NICE to me and showed INTEREST in me, i could prob get feelings for her.

yep i just divorced muh husband of 20 years cuz i just LOST INTEREST in him.

it is discouraging when women LOSE INTEREST in you quickly. hahahaha. ok better go to the fathouse and stare at 18 year old gurls hahahahaha.

119/153 days since hahaha. just did an 8 miler at the fatclub. the perfect 10 blond girl got on the treadmill right in front of me again. actually she would be more of a 10 if she were in WORSE shape hahahaha. she has big manshoulders because she lifts brah hahahahahaha. and her buttocks are too SMALL. she needs to STOP going to the gym so much in other words and start eating MORE mickey d’s hahahahaha.  prob one of those gurls who works out OBSESSIVELY because she has issues about being born so Pretty hahahaha. of course i go there OBSESSIVELY too, out of issues with being a loser and being destroyed and trying to Get Over That Woman.

Fully 50% of the people are nonwhite! either arabs or albanians. lot of swarthy blackhairs hahahaha. i can usually tell the difference. the arabs are even more swarthy and their langauge sounds angrier, sounds like hacking and spitting. the albanians, their skin is a little “whiter”, and their language sounds more “russian” with lots of sh sounds, but not as pleasing as russian. both are hypermasculine and emotional and hot tempered and probably beat and raep women hahahaha.

anyway i had a moment of clarity as i was leaving. i thought, shit, even if i miraculous got together with her, you think it would last? hell no! she would end up dumping me within a few months for some bullshit reason.

i got an image of a man and woman argueing with each other. the type of argument where its more like the man begging and pleading the woman, and the woman being closed and stubborn and obstinate. the man is open, desperately open, the woman is closed, and she’s never gonna let him in. she clearly has lost all respect for him, she’s stopped loving him, and any sane person viewing the scene knows its over. she is DONE and no amount of begging and pleading is gonna make her change her mind. she is done and he is gonna be DUMPED. there is nothing he can do. literally nothing.

i think you can picture that scene fairly well. even i can. well thats what would happen with me and her. thats kinda what DID happen, tho in a more extreme form. i was begging and pleading and she was closed and cold and shut down.

anyway i could just see myself in that position of beggar, supplicator, begging her essentially, please love me, please give me a chance, please respond, please be interested in me, please want to make this work, please dont leave me, PLEASE WANT TO MAKE THIS WORK, and her rolling her eyes and sighing and saying ugh and then saying well you could stop being so pathetic for one. and then dumping me.

thats the best i could hope for. that HOPELESS situation where you cant do shit, and you are a Desperate Begging Supplicator, and she is gonna be gone real soon, and you are gonna be heartbroken and devastated. there is nothing you can do to make her want to stay. one of the things completely out of your hands. THEY have a responsibility too, and they dont want that responsibility any more. they are saying nope dont want to do this any more.

same thing whenever ANY woman dumps you. she is DONE and she doesnt want to be with you any more. simple. BUT i argue they dont have to dump you like that. appreciate the fact that somebody luvs you, and be careful with their damn heart.

i guess its a lot EASIER to get MAD at them for burdening you with this situation you dont want, then you dont have to DEAL with the reality that someone loves you, and you are breaking their damn heart hahahaha.

anyway i had a moment of relief there when i thought, well even if she said “yes”, it would still end in a similar dumping, thinking of that image of the man begging and pleading, when really………THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO. THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS YOU CANNOT CHANGE.

they have to want to love you, they have to want to make it work, they have to have interest in you and love you. if they dont have that, you can’t do that work FOR them. its OVER.


120/154 days. yeah google spreadsheet.

ok lets try to find or make a pciture of the scene i was describing: begging, anxious, desperate, loving person, vs a cold, distant, angry, annoyed, DONE, its over person.

hmm cant find many GREAT ones but here ya go:


yeah that vaguely turkic looking gurl is dangerously, unhealthily anorexic but i would cautiously throw it in her just to see if i stay hard hahahahaha and then i would give her 5 whole dollars to get dollar menu items from mickey d’s because yeah honestly this girl is too skinny.  i hate fat hambeasts but skeletal skinny gurls i just feel sorry for. doesnt that Big Guy think shes too skinny? i should just delete this picture. i dont care if shes not white, my protector and provider white knight instinct wants young women to be healthy and not wasting away.


plee bae iz so sorry i dun ate dat last chikun wang, plee gibs me dat ass doe bix nood


please sweetie dont dump me, you can even fook that black guy in the above picture and i will prep him 4uuuu


im sorry i only made 80 grand last year, i will go to and get a masterz of business so i can make 81 grand next year

crap like that. just in my case imagine the guy looking sadder and more Hangdog and Desperate, and the woman looking more hateful, annoyed, contemptuous, and cold. i am so disgusted by you i cant even LOOK at you.

late 90s and early 00s i had by adolescence. it was a nihilistic time. and i was a kind of nihilistic guy. my fam did the best they could but boy did i rebel against everything i could, and became a degenerate nihilist in the process. if i had just been a faithful religious person from a young age. faith from a young age. just been like fook yeah jesus loves me and i love him and he is gonna make me strong so i can be a huge successful winner.

NOPE. it was more like jesus thinks i am a sinner because i wanna jurk off and bang wimmin and he punishes people who want to have pleasure. meanwhile i am jurking off all the time and look at PORNO from like age 15 or 16.

well, to be fair, i did want a loving serious monog rel as well. that was about the least degen thing about me.

i didnt LIKE skool but i did well at it, it didnt make me nervous, i felt competent, but it was stupid. unlike now where i feel incompetent at everything, no skills, not good at anything, and nervous whenever faced with any task because i am gonna fook it up. never had that when i was young.

but yeah everything was about escapism. do your stupid skoolwork, go to stupid college, get a stupid job, always get rejected by stupid sluts, seek pleasure through drugs, alcohol, beating off to pron. this was my nihlistic hopeless mindset at age 16/17!!!

i could have been like i am a white warrior of christ, gonna conquer the world like a boss, find a nice decent woman with morals, but nooooooooo.

well, i knew i wanted a “nice gurl.” that was telling. who DOESNT want a nice gurl? meaning, someone who is nice to you, as opposed to a huge bitch! also, i didnt think that being an easy sleazy slut was something a nice gurl did either (and i was right.) so basically, dont be a mean bitch, and dont be an easy slut. you had two jobs hahahahaha.

basically thats the type of woman ive always wanted. found a good one then she turned against me by being the hugest bitch ever.

like i say i was the type of guy that prob would have been happy marrying the “high school sweetheart”, yet because i was a beta nerd, and nerds werent cool and trendy yet at that time, so gurls didnt like them, All Gurls only like Big Normie Chads and Jocks. nowadays nerds and outsiders are Cool so they get gurlfrans during high school, even though they are huge Betas and the real world doesnt work like that. however getting luv and secs and cuddles from a young age prob gives them the confidence to become more Alpha.

i didnt realize finding a stupid job would be a lot harder than i thought; that i would always feel incompetent and confused; and that i would be such a huge loser, for so long hahahaha.

anyway. had a dream thankfully not with that woman. there was another young woman who seemed somewhat nerdy and cool and thankfully nonslutty although i didnt know. she was nice enough to talk to me for more than 30 seconds so i thought oh kewl. we started talking about musical instruments and im like yeah i like all instruments, i try to play everything. and shes like ok kool lets play some music. and then i pick up the guitar and i am SOOOOO rusty and horrible that i sound like ive never played before. i cant get the thing in tune, i cant play shit, its an electric guitar but i cant get the amplifier working, etc. meanwhile she is playing the guitar a lot better than i am. and i look like a bullshit liar just trying to Get INto Her Pants. and i say, i SWEAR I can play, it’s just been a while, i am out of practice, and i am having a bad day.


so i failed to impress her at all and she thought i was a loser, liar, creep. even though at one time i was ok at playing the instrument.

she was uptight and slightly bitchy anyway but in that way that signaled she was not a slut; not in that way that meant she was just a huge bitch. either way, i usually like them a little nicer than that. but i guess ultimately, non sluttiness trumps niceness!

heh. i wish there were books and videos on the most important parts of jobs: like in general how to explain shit to people, shit, how to UNDERSTAND shit and explain it; and how to explain the common point of, we cant do this for you because it would cost too much, in situations where its not clear why it would cost too much. like explain to me why this ketchup is free, but i have to pay 50c for this little thing of bbq sauce. WHY DOES THE BBQ SAUCE COST 50 CENTS????!!?!??!?!?!?! i dont know it just does. but thats just not a good enough question. unfort youd need a manager or level 2 or a Buyer to explain that, and One Does Not Simply produce one of these people at whim. you ae a gatekeeper, its your JOB to keep these types of people AWAY FROM the higher ups. by bullshitting your way through WEIRD, RIDICULOUS questions that only higher ups realy know how to answer. this has always been nerve wracking for me. some days i was good at it; but 55% of days, i was not.

when the pressure is on, you fall apart. not a hirable way to be.

google how to be better under pressure

i say that having a nice nonslutty GF that you just cuddled with the night before makes you a lot more confident in dealing with people. but you cant get that quality GF until you have PROVEN yourself!

but yeah it sucks that a person can be both so nice to you and also so mean. how about a happy medium. i dont treat people all bipolar like that. i try to be nice to them at all times. i might be shy and boring and awkward but i am never mean.

now shes gonna say i was living in a fantasy world and we were never THAT close. well i did have some fantasies, but we were damn close from fall 2013 thru summer 2014. hehehehe. for her to say otherwise is HER living in a fantasy world. total denial and delusion.

i should have never invested in my 401k. is it supposed to take out 60$ a year for maintenance fees? it doesnt even MAKE 60$ a year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when women give up secs too fast, they attract the type of men who will NOT be good long term mates for them, and turn OFF the type of men who WOULD be good long term mates.

this is why i so mcuh preferred being just friends with a woman first, then getting feelings later. cuz you start off genuinely liking and respecting the person for who they are, you learn to view them as not a slut. but of course they put you in the friendzone. the only way you not be in the friendzone is if you have secs with the woman within 2 days of meeting her, like a damn slut. meaning, you can never respect someone you have secs with, cuz its right away or never at all.

how to refuse a demanding customer google

you dont want to refuse them service altogether. you will serve them their mcnuggets but you wont give them the dipping sauce for less than 50c because policies and costs. “how can that little sauce possibly cost 50 cents!”

i think i linked this before, but its worth reading twice. great points here. unfort no great advice for the workers IN those jobs.

surviving at my last job was a major achievement. at least 30% of people quit when they saw how ridiculous it was. just said fook this, this aint worth it, and stopped showing up. maybe another 30% of new hires did actually struggle to show up, survive, do a good job, but they werent learning fast enough, and they were asking for help too much. help that we couldnt afford to give. so they were laid off. leaving the final 40% who survived. and i was one the few the proud the brave. which you wouldnt expect out of a beta loser like me, and especially not in the state im in NOW. but back then i survived. and after a long time of struggle i actually became competent. really if i can survive there i can survive anywhere, even a restaurant.

saw the shrink, talked about jobz and being confident and that person. i sometimes want to contact her mother or a mutual friend. that would be WEIRD tho. she would be CREEPED OUT that i am still bothered about it. well fook that i say, it is what it is. i am still bothered about it.

again it helps to look at what i really WANT: do i want to be friends, or do i want to be more than friends? and also if i have to beg her for an apology, what kind of apology is that? i will eventually be bothered that i had to beg her. and then i will want ANOTHER apology i will never get.

there is Ebb and Flow and Ups and Downs in every Rel, but in an healthy rel, both people will say, yes, lets take some time and effort to Tend To The Garden, work on our Rel together.

ok so if bane is saying hes’ a big guy FOR YOU, meaning he’s big compared to the cia guy, then what that REALLY implies is that the CIA guy is really small, and bane’s not that damn big!!!!!! he only looks big compared to really small guy. so bane is really self-deprecating himself by saying im really not a big guy, im just a big guy compared to you, you even smaller small guy. he is deprecating himself AND CIA.

anyway it doesnt suit bane’s badassness for him to deprecate himself and call himself a small guy, is my point.

but yeah the shrink confirmed that what that person did was not a nice thing, was not the right way to handle that, that doing that is not ok, i would not do that to a stranger, i would not do it to a friend, or anyone.  someone with a decent set of morals probably does feel guilty about it, someone who doesnt, has bad morals and i shouldnt want to be with them.

well an apology then would have been nice.

anyway i cant convince her. the roles are frozen now, meaning i will always be the beggar, she will always be cold and distant. its DOOMED. basically i luv her more, and she wants out. period. that is where she gets off the train. that is the final act for her. i gotta get off the train too. cuz shes not gonna change her mind.

and MOST people have SOMETHING in their life that they just dont get “CLOSURE” for. its common. you dont really NEED closure. as much as you need acceptance from within. you accept yep. this is over and im never gonna get any answers and i can live with that now.

MOST women would AGREE WITH ME: well fook YES we need to talk about this situation and talk about boundaries and ground rules and stuff, if we are in the workplace and there are feelings. we need to handle this and prepare for the worst. what are we gonna do if/when this ends horribly. shit yeah this is complicated so lets talk about it and figure it out.

talking about complicated emotions is what people in an average health relationship do! not just ignore and avoid and run away. especially when you have know the person for 2 years and have been their friend.






118/152 days since hhahaha.

you dont contact the person who misjudged YOU, got YOU wrong, did YOU wrong, screwed YOU, and BEG THEM to change their mind! or do you? leaning towards no. i have never been in this position before, and i sure as hell cant put myself in her position either, hard to empathize with someone who is wrong about YOU and screwing YOU over.

ok. so she basically told me GET THE FOOK OUT OF MY LIFE. she BLOCKED me, saying she didnt just want to not talk to me, but she didnt even want to LISTEN to me.

would i really want to be in a REL with someone who I was always BEGGING “I really didnt do anything wrong, please dont hate me, youre wrong, please reconsider, please listen to me, please dont throw me out of your life”, whenever she thought i did something wrong, even though i didnt do anything wrong????? fook no!

someone i was constantly trying to convince that they shouldnt hate me, please dont hate me, this really isnt a bad thing, this is a terrible misunderstanding, well yeah i mean you understand that i like you, but you dont understand how this isnt a betrayal! its not a horrible thing!

is it REALLY MY job to convince them of that? of convincing them that the things they think are bad, are really good?

again ive never done what she’s done before. i never held a grudge again someone like this, against someone who was reaching out and pleading and begging saying please dont hate me. there was always coldness on both sides.

mah boyz nationalist “RAC” band has a slow sad song where he growl sings mournfully. nice! i dont say his name because i am not sure he wants people to know its him in this band. however he might be coming out of the nationalist closet in 2015. great time to do it! its about time!

anyway. if you have to always convince the person not to hate you, that the shit youre doing is not really wrong, but they find it atrocious and want to throw you away for it and are always getting unspeakably mad at you for INVALD reasons and not talking to you …… well it doesnt sound like a good healthy rel with a future. and it doesnt sound like they really luv you.

their heart is not open to you WHATSOEVER.

i am still under the SPELL.

i mean, what the fook would i say to her? write her an email after 118 days, that she either blocks, deletes, doesn’t read, doesnt respond to, saying, hey havent contacted you in 118 days, are you ready to apologize yet? cuz i still NEED you, im not even close to being over you, and youre probably fooking guys because playing with human life is no big deal.

its just so weird and so disturbing that WOMEN would not take sex seriously. they have the most to lose! 100 / 0!!!!!

i am really closest to christians in muh view on sex, just need to find a devout christian gurl already and hope she doesnt try to convert me beyond going to church once a week hahahaha.

i mean shes shown NO intention to commuincate or reconcile. she STILL holds a GRUDGE against me. why is it MY job to convince her when shes in the wrong? is it THAT worth having a good ending? pulling teeth just to get her to reject me nicely? cuz she’s not gonna change her mind and be like she LOVES me now. then she would be more open and willing and make a damn effort and lift a damn finger.

i wonder what she did with the nice present and also the “dead giveaway” card i gave her last xmas. just throw them away? leave them? if she HATES me, shouldnt that be a reminder of the person who “BETRAYED” her and whom she hates? so she shouldnt have it somewhere where its easy to find? or maybe it will make her think of the guilt for treating me badly?

i saw a cute gurl at church that i could possibly get feelings for……but she was like 18 years old! pretty soon i will be old enough to be an 18 year old gurls FATHER hahahaha.

anyway she certainly didnt luv me….she didnt show me kindness at all! she said get out of my life forever! im not even willing to listen to you!

and i still want to “CONVINCE” her that shes mistaken?

yeah because i am still under the SPELL.

it would be different if we had been Dating for like 2 years and she misunderstood me and stopped talking to me. then shed probably be more willing to talk to me in the future after “cooling off.”

but that was not the case. theres nothing to really “go back to.” i dont want to go back to being just friends. i am ok with the rel ending, because we want diff things. thats fine. just dont HATE me because of it.

well as a beta male the best i can get is a beta female: ie, old, trashy, single mom, crazy, ugly, fat, a bad mate in other words. was she too alpha for me? out of my league? the fact that she had “too much baggage” (which is what i said when i first met her), but then later decided was not dealbreaking baggage; was baggage i could easily live with; maybe i need a “beta woman” with some “baggage” so she can sink down to my league hahahahaha.

anyway she did the equivalent of throwing me out and changing the locks. i just dont like being hated like this. for stupid wrong reasons. by someone i dont hate. i have never been in this position before. and i hope to never be again. i can barely live through this one. it has killed me and set me back YEARS and made me an even huger pathetic loser. its horrible. didnt just ruin this YEAR, may well ruin next year as well.

i wish i had never met her, or wish she had jsut gotten married to the first boifran, but HE wanted to be done with her!

and i think she still doesnt hate HIM. she is disappointed he didnt luv her as much. but she doesnt hate him. well of course not! she luved him! i wish she could have shown me a little of that luv. in a WAY she DID, she was REALLY REALLY nice to me, and i came to really like that. then she was REALLY REALLY mean to me. and the bad ultimately outweighed the good.

google she hates me because i love her

results: you cant make someone love you

contacting her again would just irritate her and make her hate me more

her getting so ridic offended by me liking her is HER hangup/issue, i cant fix it or convince her.

if you luv them let them go hhahahaha and if it was really meant to be, they will come back. welp looks like it wasnt meant to be then cuz she aint coming back hahaha.

heheheheheheheheheheheheheheh interesting forum, a few of muh favourite things there

ok. so on MW new vidya, i lap these up like a white woman laps up black coch,  a commenter says something like indigenous alpha women go to the indigenous alpha men, indigenous beta women go to the exogenous alpha men, while the indigenous beta men get exogenous beta women. in terms of trashy (beta) white women being “poached” by black men with confidence and swagger and charisma and muh dick, and beta white men have to go outside of their race for a mate because women of their own white race dont like them, think they are wimpy pussies.

did she treat with THAT much disrespect because i was THAT much of a beta? and its fine to be Just Friends, but the idea of the Huge Beta getting feelings is SO repulsive, its instinctly repulsive and disgusting, like bestiality or incest or child raep?

well if an animal fell in luv with me, i would still treat it kindly and say sorry animal but i just dont feel that way. treat people the way you want to be treated. golden rule.

anyway thank god for those articles, convinced me not to contact her. when somebody hates you and wants you to stay away……you stay away. if they want to come back, THEY have to come back. if you keep bugging them they will just continue to hate you. right or wrong. in this case horribly wrong hahahaha.

well i hate that she saw it as bugging. fook why cant you just talk or hang out with the person who was once your friend?

hanging out is not a bad thing! getting feelings is not a bad thing or betrayal!

she saw things for what they were but had the WRONG REACTION to them.

so im supposed to respect her feelings when her feelings are so stupid and wrong and hurtful to me?

well i wont respect that but i will ACCEPT that in that i would never FORCE her to do anything. she can have her own free will even if it is hurtful and horrible. freedom to destroy me. hahaha.

just using google maps to follow the vistula river in poland, and stumble upon auschwitz hahahaha i guess its really not that shocking. auschwitz was a town ever since 1200

i dont think its worth being hated over. she is wrong to hate me. so, should i contact her friends or family and ask them to take my side? that would probably make her hate me too.

its just her damn issue.

whenever i hated someone, it was for much more valid reasons: they had DUMPED me, not they were in LOVE with me!

i mean maybe i shouldnt have HATED them, and certainly my hate died down, but its UNDERSTANDABLE to be angry at someone who rejects you.

so i guess its Similarly Understandable to be Angry at someone who likes you, but you dont like back, because it presents and awkward, frustrating, stupid situation?

fine, but not this much! AND the person being dumped has license to be angrier than the person being liked! in fact, many times, the person being liked is not super mad! but they say awwww and have sympathy for the person they have to reject!

she rejected me so hatefully because i was a beta. REBUTTED: i was a BIGGER beta with the previous woman, and SHE rejected me in a very nice, mature, respectly, kind, awesome way! It was AWESOME being rejected by you, thank you SO much hahahaa.

russia directly borders north korea for about 5 miles. the nearest large city is vladivostok. so we have a european country, in the eastmost of asia, where “the majority of the population is russian or ukrainian” ie white hahahahaha.

interesting to see white cities in areas you think of as nonwhite hahaha. white white white white i am obsessed with whites. this is my body telling me REPRODUCE. HAVE CHILDREN. YOU ARE GETTING OLD. HOW HAVE YOU NOT REPRODUCED YET.

so Despair is very maladaptive to life, so why does it pass on in the genes? because in the past, most people had children YOUNG, so they had several children before their first despair episode came on at age 19 or 20 or so.

and also women. women will always reproduce, so i blame all the shitty genetic stuff on them hahahahaha.

like are there cute young white girls in IRKUTSK for example hahahaha . probably yes.

google nightclubs in irkutsk hahahahaha

every city is gonna have a univeristy and near that univ there will be bars and clubs and pubs where 20-25 year old women will be out there bending over selling their sperm sewers to the most fun, secsy, masculine, dominant men hahahahahahahahah

well certainly a city of 500000 people like irkutsk!!!!!

10000 not so sure. 100000 maybe not even. 300000 getting warmer.

they say there are TEN THOUSAND people in the WORLD at any given moment who would be a perfect match for you. that you could fall in lub with.

uhhhhhhhh it sounds like a lot……but its really not. with 7 billion people, its amazing anyone could ever meet ANY ONE of those 10000. and i have met like 6 of them. i am counting women that i fell in real luv with and been heartbroken by, did stupid things over, took a long time to get over. i might get rid of one of them hahahaha. the criteria is heartbreak or stupid shit.

so if finns are mongolians, what about estonians hahahahaha. in the white racist community there is this big conspiracy that finns are really asians hahahaha. just super light skinned. they are not full “europids”. i dunno i would prob have keeds with a cute finnish gurl hahahaha.

maybe all this heartbreak is a sign that i need to not just look for white gurls, but white girls that are closer to my own white subset. like there are celts and anglo saxons and germans and slavs and balts and scandinavians and gauls and iberians and scythians and all that. maybe a gurl within my own subset of Whites would understand me best, and luv me, and not throw me under the bus.

bbbbbut there are plenty of alpha males in my proud ethnicity. so i could get a beta woman then. like a woman with no father, but she didnt become a slut or a single mom hahahahaha. see its hard to find that “Higher Beta” woman. cuz sluts and single mothers, thats TOO beta.

yeah but what have I done with my life? im a huge beta too!

yeah. shit.  just realize someone has feelings. see that as a beautiful thing, dont get angry at them for it, and reject them gently. appreciate that somebody has feelings for you. shit i would be FLATTERED.



117/151 days since hahahaha.

watching andrew zimmern in croatia. happy to see him in a white country hahahaahahahahahaha. use google maps to follow him on island of brac, city of split. go to zagreb. i like those “old towns” that have pedestrian walking streets that arent really streets for cars. they have names but are gray on the map and not white. notice a place called “MUSEUM OF BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS” in zagreb hahahahahahaha.

well it was complicated and simple. the simple fact was, i loved her more, i was more willing to make it work. or rather, i loved her, she didnt love me; i was very willing to make it work; she was not. because she was not in love with me. root cause.

but that doesnt mean she had to be so mean! she could and should have treated me better.

BUT its important to remember that she never had feelings to begin with.

but she used to be nice and kind and sweet and caring to me, just in a platonic way, and it sucked to have her take that away.

she could have continued being nice and just said AWWWW im sowwy, i just dont feel that way about you, i dont mean to hurt you.

for  a person that was so nice, to turn so not nice, was insane.

i mean i really think shes not being her TRUE SELF here and she will regret it. she doesnt know what she is doing! so i should always be contacting her every 150 days hahahaha.

well she has trouble trusting men because of the “father issues”. well that makes sense. this makes it difficult for her to be Just Friends with men. which is itself not bad, becuase then it means she isnt having casual sex with all her male acquaintances!!!!!!!!

well she has one major male friend, but he is homosexual you see, so i think in that way she trusts him.

i was not homosexual, but close enough i guess. she thought i would never have feelings, so i was SAFE. i wasnt some dangerous man, wanting only One Thing. see i think she is very very overly cautious of men. one strike and theyre gone. because of her father, and her mothers history of not choosing great men. was she abused by any of these men? i dont think so, but now i’ll never know.

so when i got feelings, in HER MIND, i transformed from Safe Trustworthy Guy, into Untrustworthy Douchebag Asshole Jerk Typical Jerk Man!!! and then deserved to be hated.

of course this is a misjudgement on HER part and nothing i can do can change her mind. except herself.

basically because she has great trouble trusting men.

but she STILL trusts men she shouldn’t; and DOESNT trust men she SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!

like me!!!!!!!! she could trust me. and i trusted her! she herself was pretty trustworthy! and then she lost that trust in me because i liked her and thus was one of those monstrous evil bad men!

well that misinterpretation is her problem and i cant fix it, only she can.

i mean it makes sense she doesnt trust men. is slow to trust men, because men have let her down. but i dont think she should take me liking her as breaking her trust.

but she does take it that way and i  cant change that.

she probably saw men as lying deadbeat cheater scumbags who would lie and lie and lie and lie and say anything to get women to SPREAD.  the good news was that made her slow to spread in an era where too many women are too quick to spread, and treat the secs with the reverence it deserves. the bad news is that she overreacts to Friends getting Feelings. unless she has feelings for them i guess. i wish she had feelings for me!!!!!!!

so yeah she thinks i betrayed her but thats jsut because shes been betrayed by men before. but i didnt really betray her. but she sure treated me that way! so i got confused.

not talking about it didnt help either hahahhahahahaha.

the sad thing is that she STILL doesnt know how to trust properly. its one thing to be CAUTIOUS. cautious is GOOD. but its another thing to be straight up WRONG. thats bad. like her trusting shitty men, and not trusting good men, and reading innocent things as betrayal.

she trusted me once. and i liked that closeness and intimacy from a purty young woman. who was also nice and took secs seriously not casually.  and she was right to trust me. i am very trustworthy. i have never really betrayed anyone i dont think. if i did i would feel horrible.

but she was wrong to stop trusting me. and i was so shocked i wondered if maybe i DID betray her. and felt horrible and guilty. but i didnt really betray her, i concluded. i just got feelings for her.

i tried to explain all this to her, but you think she would listen to someone she no longer trusted? even if it was wrong, mistaken of her not to trust me? hell no she wasnt gonna listen to me.

i just wish she would wake up to her mistake.

if she like liked me then…..she would have continued trusting me, and would have been willing to damn talk.

yep i knew it was bad timing. maybe she would be ready like 2 years after when it happened. hahahaha so, contact her in like fall of 2016 then hahahaha. contact her in 10 months hahahahaha.

at any rate, she wasnt LYING about not wanting to be with me!

at that point in time, she could not want to be with me less!

and if she does change her mind (she wont) then its important that she contacts me (she wont). i cant keep contacting her every 4 month or so. how is that gonna make me feel.

she was mistaken about feeling betrayed about me, but she was probably not mistaken about not having feelings for me.

if she had feelings for me, she wouldnt feel betrayed by me. but normal healthy people wouldnt NEED to have feelings in order to understand that what i did was NOT a betrayal!

she is just overly sensitive to betrayal and sees it everywhere. might be paranoid. thinks the world is out to get her.

so im curious what kind of man can get past that defense. especially if she hasnt picked the greatest of partners: scumbags who cheat on her; cold uncaring stubborn closed men who dont show her luv. yet feeling betrayed by men who really do luv her and would treat her good. this does not bode well. her defense mechanism of not trusting men makes sense considering…….but she still trusts the wrong men!!! so it doesnt really WORK.

so whyd she trust those men? probably just because they were masculine and secsy to her. just Basic Masculinity thats all. And I dont have that. that sucks hahahaha.

so uhhhh yeah i shouldnt contact her because she doesnt really want me.

well maybe i could still get an apology out of her tho. and that would be helpful.

but helpful enough to put myself on the line again, tear open the wound, and probably just get no response again?

wife with a purpose, i was pretty impressed by this. she was a feminist up thru Graduate Skool but she was very into “the feminine divine” and “the sacredness of motherhood” rather than man hating feminists. now because i hate and distrust women i was being a superhard judge of her, but she won me over. i was gonna say, ok, she appreciates the divine role of motherhood. well she probably luvs abortion still. then she made a disapproving statement about abortion, so i think she is actually anti-abortion. and then i thought, well, just because she’s pro motherhood doesnt mean shes pro fatherhood. who needs a father, he is just a sperm donor. all the men i am having casual sex with, their sperm can fight it out in the old sperm sewer and whichevver sperm wins out, thats the alphaer man, but who needs a father when you have a village of unrelated men.

Nope, she is pro fatherhood as well and had her 3 children with one man she luvs and respects, and she appreciates men and likes men and says feminists are too disparaging of men. and she is sad to see MGTOWs. she understands it but says please men, dont give up on women, we’re not all shitty!

so yeah she won me over. i mean it wasnt the smartest idea to spend 900000000000 dollars on marxist grad degrees but….she seems like a decent woman. who has made a pretty big transition from left to right. however if she couldnt be indoctrinated permanently by her college and grad skool…..that indicates her being an extraordinarily strong and intelligent woman. many women get permanently rekt.  WWAP went to extremely leftist schools and STILL turned out all right. so good for her.

heh there are some really anti-women borderline misogynist comments on her video by super butthurt mras and such hahahaha. see i am still a white knight woman lover and dont wanna be like that hahahaha.

also people say she is stupid for becoming a christian. i think she actually converted to mormon. might be because of her husband hahahaha.

anyway i am a hard critic of women but she won me over. i think. i am interested in listening to more of her videos and seeing if it proves that not all women are horrible hahahaha.

that woman. i never saw her get poisoned by feminism and become one of those women who would parasite off a man, kick him out of………well she sure kicked ME out of her life didnt she?!?!?! WHOA.

whos to say that if we got married and have keeds she wouldnt do the same thing?

not that she ever liked me enough to give up her babymaker to me! that only goes to sexy men youve know for Literally A Minute! hahahaha.

also i hope WWAP wasnt a huge slut before she met her husband. in high skool and college. i get the impression that she started having kids immediately after Undergrad, which is a decent age to do it! which means she might have met her husband who she loves and is loyal to, during college? was he a mormon then? there are a lot of unanswered questions here. hahahaha.

i more or less did the best i could. i mean i learned a lesson about being a manlier man, but at the time i did the best i could. i didnt think it was gonna end when it did, the way it did. i thought we were gonna talk eventually. maybe i would have blurted it out over email or at work.

also, SHE COULD HAVE responded to email2, where i first confessed/blurted everything, said i was taking a leave of absence for “anxiety”, not sure how long. she COULD HAVE SAID, no dont do that, or i hope you come back SOON, lets talk about this so its not awkward and you can come back soon. NOPE. she said NOTHING AT ALL. NO response.

because she thought i betrayed her. but she was wrong. so is it MY responsibility to CONVINCE her that she’s wrong? im leaning towards know. i mean i really WANT her to change her mind…..but me begging her to change her mind, to stop makign the mistake shes making……it agains suggests me being her peasant, puppet on a string, slave to her every whim, power imbalance.

itd be nice if someone she DOES trust told her that she is making a big mistake by not trusting me, that her Truster is broken, that this is not a valid reason not to trust someone. but either she lied to them or is more than liekly just being silent about it. like he fell off the face of the earth, i dont know what happened to him, he wont respond to texts or emails or calls. she can tell them i ghosted HER!!!!!!!! or that we were just drifting apart.

anyway i was never in a situation like that. where i made a big mistake by hatign someone. theres only a few people i hated. and in all cases it kinda made sense. and the other person usually hated or didnt particularly like or they CERTAINLY weren’t in love with me! or begging me to respond to them!

one was my college roommate who was one of those philosophical autists who would probably be arguing that you cant prove bestiality or incest are wrong; or become a pathetic misognist antinatalist mgtow hahahaha. he had a bleak nihilist view of humanity that i found so thoroughly despairing that i just couldnt talk to him any more. and i think he did it to push my buttons because he thought i was pathetic. so we gave each other the silent treatment. he wasnt begging me to talk or for another chance. the feeling was mutual.

next person was woman2005, aka woman3, who i Casually Dated but wanted more. she dumped me but then didnt give me Space and also gave me mixed signals by making out with me a little more afterwards. I hated her at that point, probably more than i should have, so my hate was mistaken a bit………but still not a similar situation becuase the person i was Mistakenly Hating wasn’t begging me to talk or communicate or reconcile. i just didnt matter that much to her!

another person i SORT of hated was this slut mudshark whore in 2007-2009ish. she used to be “woman6” until i removed her for not being important enough. but i had a crush on her, liked her, and was even sort of friends with her, and my feelings developed pretty quickly though. i had no game or masculinity and couldnt convince her to give her cheap cvnt to me, so in the future i regarded her with the greatest of contempt and disrespect and disgust and like to see her accelerating toward The Wall and being a huge bullet i thankfully dodged.

and with That Woman…..i still dont hate her very much yet, i still luv her too much, which is interesting, in the past my luv turned to hate by this time.

im sure if i SAW her regularly i would come to hate her with white hot hate like i did with woman2005!

with woman2005 i just couldnt believe she was dumping me. i was in total denial. i was one of those creepy weirdos who JUST DIDNT GET IT. i continued to talk to her regualrly after. also i figured i could still make out with her, i would just have to share her. and i was so desperate i was willing to do that! besides thats how College Rels work! everyone dates Casually and i had to learn how to be Casual about this sort of stuff!

so did the hate allow me to get over shit faster?

i dunno. damn i looked at HER facebook page all the time. especially when drunk and emotional.

ever since woman2012, i couldnt look at their facebook pages anymore after they dumped me. it was part of no contact. and i figure its a good thing. if i looked at a picture of HER right now, WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO? would it REALLY make me hate her and get over her faster? seeing a picture of her happy with some guy shes happily give dat ass to, and moving up in her career? FOOK NO, ID WANT HER MORE THAN EVER! it would truly be TRIGGERING!!!!!!!!!!

i dont WANT to see a picture of her! ever again! it would just maek me want her more than i already do!

so yeah i just dont want to do it. i dont think it would be productive. MAYBE it might cause me to hate her, but then i would just want to hatefook her, and hatelove her hahahaha. dat awful feel where you love and hate them at the same time. usually because the rejected you, youre in love with them still, and you see them loving and fooking other men.

im honestly sure that helps you get over it any quicker. regarding feeling you feelings, or facing shit honestly and head on. yeah but that doesnt mean you have to SEE EVERYTHING.

but would it disabuse me of any delusions that she is single and lonely? that she is not happily fooking dudes and telling the whole world about it!

i cant see her facebook page anyway, SHE BLOCKED ME.

all i could possibly see is her profile picture and if it does or does not have a picture of her with some guy shes in luv with.

its just not worth it. bad outweighs the good. go with teh obvious solution.

facing the pain head on is NOT the same as TORTURING yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whats better, a single mom who has a baby with a deadbeat because she cant pick a good man or restrain herself; OR a slut who cant restrain herself from having a baby with a deadbeat, but then gets an abortion?

in other words, theres a lot of “childless” women out there who have just had abortions! which i think is itself a slippery moral slope. you think a woman who has had an abortion wouldnt cheat on you? have some guys on the side? some big black side dick? divorce you for no reason?

so now im abortionphobic hahahahahaha. i mean i have known women who have had abortionz and they werent evil women. just immature women put in a very difficult position, making a very difficult choice, and maybe not being as Morally Articulate as I. so they could easily Rationalize that this wasnt really an Official Baby, and also that they couldnt give the baby the good life it deserved. i would guess are the two top rationalizations for Abortion, NOT Oooooh yeah i luv murdering my own children cuz im a sadistic infanticidial maniac!!!!!!!!!!!

i SORTA want to contact her, but i sorta DONT. its been 117 days, i dont want to set that back to 0; also i would have to either use a new email, or a throwaway email, or send it to her Work Email, and im not comfortable doing any of that becuase it looks stalkery, also same with for example sending a message to her mother saying please give this to her. REALLY? do i REALLY want to do THAT? no not really!!!!!!!