ACCIDENTAL UNINTENTIONAL DECEPTION

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yesterday i felt some shame again, like damn i really WAS unbearable, why didnt i just come out and SAY it. thats why she was so mad at me. i really WAS acting super WEIRD. I kept telling her how worried i was abotu our “friendship” and desperately begging to get along like we did back in the good old days, etc. getting SUPER happy when she woudl talk to me for more than 5 minutes. definitely putting her on a pedestal. huge pedestal. how are you supposed to respond to that?

well, you dont HAVE to be so cruel and mean for one. could COULD be nicer and write an email. or said WE NEED TO TALK. or said why are you being so weird. then i would either say becuase i like you, or because i am worried about our “friendship”, to which she would say she’s just having some tough times, but needs some space, and we will hang out someday, and someday never comes, and i say i am there for you if you need me, i will try to give you space, but i miss you and want to hang out with you, etc.

if i were EVER to contact her, the root cause would ALWAYS be, i want another chance, i want to make it work.

anyway she just couldnt HANDLE me being so ridiculous, no WONDER she didnt want to talk to me.

so i was being ridiculous at that time. i just wish she had been nicer and taken into context that we had been friends for 2+ years, i wasnt just some randome weirdo being weird, i was a long term friend who was turning weird, and i wish she had taken into account our long term friendship and been more forgiving to me for being weird, and also realized that getting feelings naturally makes you weird.

got 8 miles yesterday at the fat gym, might have to bring it up to 9 hahahaha.

could we go back to being just friends? absolutely NOT, becuase i will always want her, wanting to be with her will always be the Root Motive for everything. i want her to apologize to me BECAUSE I want to be with her.

i couldnt stand being :just friends” with her cuz it would essentially be the same situation. she would fook other guys, want me to stop liking her, etc. it would just be BAD. this is when you need to remove someone from your life. she certainly removed me from her life! but some sort of clarifying statement at that time would have been nice.

she removed ME.

she blocked ME from facebook, meaning she didnt want me contacting her.

she prob blocked my phone from her phone.

dont know if she filtered out my email. or just deleted it as she saw them. or read them. or opened them, saw how long they were, and deleted them without really reading them.

so yeah she threw ME away, therefore, if she wants to talk to me again, SHE’s gotta be the one to initiate it.

plenty of dumpers reinitiate contact just to get attention or god only knows. she has not. i fight the urge to contact her every day.

so yeah i am ashamed for being so weird and beating around the damn bush. she probably thought i was being a disingenuous, dishonest, niceguy sleazebag by claiming to be “worried about our friendship.” but i really was. but i did have “ulterior motives” too. but i didnt feel the ulterior motives were sleazy or bad. i luved her in a very classic disney sort of way. the type of thing that changes a man, makes him want to commit to one woman, have babies with her, etc. rather than some shotgun marriage or arranged marriage. but where you have REAL feelings like the damn poets and songwriters talk about.

the motives maybe seemed ulterior to her but they werent sinister in the least.

well i had been hinting and signaling for months. theoretically she could have said “do you like me or something? you have been acting weird for months like you like me or something.” although the onus was on me to do that.

listen. look. if she had ANY feelings during this time for me, she would have been RECEPTIVE. she was the ANTITHESIS of receptive at all. she was rejective hahaha. but she would have seen the signals of my feelings and HELPED me. been like i can see you seem to be trying to tell me something, lets talk about it. a bit of handholding if you will. not everybody is gonna hold your hand but if theres anyone you could ask to do it it would be your friends.

yeah i was overbearing and ridiculous but…..i couldnt see myself acting much differently given the situation. well…..what if i had blurted it out. of course thats what i hsould have done.

but yeah i handled everything like an idiot. but i was not trying to DECEIVE her, let alone ABUSE or hurt her!

but when i feel ashamed, then I want to apologize!!!! for being stupid and overbearing and making her uncomfortable and making her hate me.

but i think she needs to apologize to me too, for throwing me away and having no sympathy or understanding for me.

well every time i talked to her i apologized for being weird. but that in and of itself was WEIRD.

just every day i want to hear from her, open up my email and see an emial from her.

ok.

to that person,

i’m sorry i was so overbearing and stupid and weird. I should have just told you I had feelings for you earlier, rather than being all weird and cowardly about it. I know it annoyed you a lot and made you hate me, and pushed you away from me. I wish it hadnt annoyed you that much and we could have just talked or emailed about it though. i know it was a horrible time for everything, with all you were going through in your life. but i couldnt bottle it up any more.  i never meant to deceive you. i never meant to hurt you. i was trying to send you signals that my feelings had changed. i was trying to hang out with you so we could talk about this. i didnt really know how to communicate my feelings to you otherwise. i couldnt think straight at work and i didnt want to talk about it over work chat, or in the parking lot.

i should have clarified all this by saying, we need to talk, and i dont want to talk at work, can we either meet in person, or talk on the phone, or emails, and please respond to the email with a longish email of your own. i know you couldnt read my mind. but i cant read your mind either. i thought we were going to hang out some day so thats why i didnt tell you everything earlier.

i still dont think getting feelings for you was inherently bad or wrong so i will never apologize for that. we were good friends for a long time and for a number of complicated reasons which i have tried to explain, i did not get feelings until 2 years into our friendship. it was not the greatest timing but thats how it happened.

im sorry i was too cowardly to express myself clearly. i kept thinking we were eventually gonna hang out, and at that point, i wanted to talk about everything and get everything out in the open. i know i was too much too handle but i still am really really hurt by the way you ended it. i wish you could have talked to me or wrote me an email and sent me a final message rather than just avoiding me without saying a word. i think our friendship deserves a better ending than that. i know i was too much to handle but my intentions were never hurtful. my aim was true as the song goes.

i was ridiculous and awful, but i honestly beleive i was never abusive or hurtful. I might have seem deceptive but i never intended to deceive you. thats why i was giving so many weird signals, because i really wanted to talk about all this, i couldnt keep it bottled up, and the signals and the weirdness was like a boiling kettle blowing off steam. i had to let it out somehow and i let it off in a thoughtless and confused and cowardly and frightened way, like a confused animal.

when i get feelings for someone, it affects me and i dont behave perfectly. i get weird and awkward and confused and make mistakes. i wait for the perfect time to talk, even if it never comes. i act weird and get scared and cowardly. all this happened with me and you. when you turned away from me my heart was broken. i brought some of this on myself, but i dont think i brought all of it on myself. im sorry i didnt express myself well but i also was very very very hurt that you could not bring yourself to say ANYTHING to me. this was a really big deal for me and it hurts to lose you. obviously thats for the best considering you dont share my feelings. but I would really really really appreciate it f if you culd just tell me you dont share my feelings and try to make this hard time a little easier for me. have you ever gotten feelings for a friend before, who didnt return them? I will miss our friendship too. But in the end, I want to be more than friends. If you don’t return that feeling, then it’s best if we dont see each other. But I will always wish the best for you, and I want you to wish the best for me too, rather than hating me. I didn’t choose to get these feelings to hurt you.

but i would really really really really appreciate if you gave me some kind of decisive but cordial ending. like did you respect the friendship we had? even if you dont respect me now, we had a great friendship. And though I behaved in a cowardly and confused way, I dont think I deserved to be totally disrespected. Please try to see where I was coming from. I didnt want to hurt our friendship, but I also couldnt go on with the friendship the way it was, because i had stronger feelings for you and I could not hold them back. This is not an unheard of thing.

Anyway please talk to your family about it and please read these websites about the best way to end a relationship. and if you ever want to give a more than friends thing a try in the future, please get in contact with me.

I was wrong to be so cowardly in communicating my feelings to you but please talk to me. I don’t think I was that wrong to deserve this kind of punishment. I am really hurting and it feels like I’ve been thrown away by one of the most imporatnt people in my life. I understand wanting to end our relationship, because we each want different things out of it,  but please lets try to end it on better terms than this.

///////

those were the kind of things i was saying in muh emails, which prob got automatically deleted hahahahaa. oh well.

i mean i can see myself possibly meeting other women…….but they wont be as GOOD as her. more slutty, older, just overall less desirable and lovable and i will not get feelings for them cuz its hard to get feelings for high number mercenary sluts.

heh. i wish there was a handbook or textbook for how i was supposed to feel about all this.  yeah it was my fault to be a coward, but overall i dont think it was THAT morally wrong, the way you can say BETRAYING somebody is morally wrong.

the thing is, it might be CONSTRUED as DECEPTION, and deception/deceit IS more morally wrong than cowardice, and could be seen as a kidn of betrayal.

so yeah i guess you can betray someone without intent. just like you can MURDER somebody without intent, they call it MANSLAUGHTER or accidental death. a horrible ACCIDENT.

so what could i do? promise to never ACCIDENTALLY betray her again? also, if she were not so closed to the IDEA of TALKING about Feelings…..it wouldnt have seemed so deceptive.

also i think deception is more like, pretending i didn’t feel the way i felt.

if anything, i was BLATANTLY acting the way i felt!!!!!!!!!!

why is he acting so WEIRD? hes acting like he LIKES me now!!!

because i DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so there was a shitload of accidents, and miscommunicaitons, misunderstandings. leading to her hating me.

  1. i want her to stop hating me
  2. i want her to  apologize to me
  3. i want to be with her (root motive hahaha)

so is it worth it to contact her to try to get her to stop hating me? to apologize to me? because we know what the root motive is. but i honestly just dont like like being hated for the wrong reasons!!!!

BUT THATS ON HER! SHE NEEDS TO DECIDE NOT TO HATE ME! IF SHE HATES ME THATS HER FAULT! I CANT STOP HER FROM MISUNDERSTANDING!

YOU CAN LEAD THEM TO WATER BUT YOU CANT MAKE THEM DRINK!!!!

is a classic lead them to water stuation here. where the water was these emails explaining everything and begging for a response.

so if i did the accident, isnt it my responsibility to contact her and apologize?

BUT I ALREADY DID THAT!!!! but i did that near the beginning of everything. should i do it again now?

well we BOTH made mistakes and accidents.

see how i keep making MENTAL GYMNASTICS and RATIONALIZATIONS as to why i should contact her? its because i want her back in my life!

WHAT WOULD I SAY TO A BELOVED FRIEND WHO WAS GOING THRU THE SAME THING? I’d say, well damn this sucks man, i know EXACTLY what youre going through. But stop torturing yourself all the time! be nicer to yourself! come hang out with me and we will partake MJ and watch MOONMAN and I’ll hook you up with some sluts if you want and i’ll hook you up with a new job and help you get through this even though i know it will take a long time, and i wont tell you its time to get over this already, but i will tell you stop torturing yourself so much by blaming yourself and dreaming up reasons to contact her!!!!!!!!!

also, IF SHE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU, SHED BE WITH YOU.

but then again, even people who are married and are in long term rels are HORRIBLE at communicating, and you think, damn, they could easily get through this argument if they JUST COMMUNICATED.

but you cant make someone want to communicate with you.

so should i check in with her every couple of months then?

do you think that will make it easier or harder to get over her hahahaha.

BUT I DONT REALLY WANT TO GET OVER HER!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO BE WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!

But does she want to be with me?

I dont know, she never said no hahahahaha.

no what she “said” was even WORSE than no. it was no with extreme prejudice and vengeance. it was a nightmare nuclear no.

but i still want to be with her.

but i can see how i need to get over her. because she doesnt want to be with me. and so if we were together, it would still end horribly with her dumping me!

but we would get to go out for a few months and have lots of secs and hours of cuddling first!!!!!!!! so its worth it!

heheh this is why women should not have secs OR cuddle OR date men they dont really like and just plan on dumping in a few weeks. its a cardinal sin to lead a guy on like that!

and i am a total sucker for getting led on! i was led on just by her saying “yep well hang out soon”.

women can lead me on accidentally and unwillingly, just like i can betray women accidentally and unwillignly!

but i would hate to be coerced or trapped or forced into a rel (by a Baby for example) with a woman I did not care for as much as I did for her!!!!!! the kind of luv i had for her is the stuff long term marriages and Solid Nuclear Families are built out of! it is the building block of good traditional decent K-selected white society!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

think about it! while im doing all these mental gymnastics: if she wanted to be with me, then she would be with me. she would be OPEN to TALKING about my feelings towards her. if she werent ready now she would say leave me alone for a 3 months and I will be in contact with you. I’ll contact you. i’ll write you an email every month describing how im feeling. ill respond to you when you say please respond. i dont hate you for having feelings for me. i understand that it is complicated and confusing and bad timing and that this is hard for you and i dont blame you or hate you for being a coward. i would be a coward too.

IF SHE WANTED TO BE WITH ME, SHED BE WILLING TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. PERIOD.

that is a good sentiment to end on. gonna try for 9 miles today.

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