This illustrates the idiom that if you wrestle with a pig, you both get covered in mud, but the pig enjoys it.

heheheh reading a comment on the argument between laurie penny and david starkey

all i know is that laurie penny is a Hip Millennial Feminist Journalist SJW who is the new voice of fourth wave millennial feminism and encourages women to fight the patriarchy through non capitalist means.

who i only know because MUH LADDIE MW talks about her sometimes and says he kinda wants to bang her and commenters poke Loving Fun at him because of that. well i can also understand the desire to bang sex-positive (slut) SJW feminists so long as they are somewhat cute. penny should be cuter but i am desperate enough that i would give her 1 bang. she is better looking than lena dunham at least……but thats not saying much.

yesterday was rough, was thinking about that person all day.  mainly that i betrayed her. i was the bad guy. it was my fault. i was to blame. because i betrayed her. i dont think i betrayed her, but i betrayed her anyway. unwillingly, unconsciously.

so…..i betrayed her by liking her, or by Not Telling Her?

well i DID ultimately tell her. just not right away.

but i DID start sending signals right away.

she noticed the signals because she responded by pulling away.

but did she know what the signals MEANT? i dont know.

i would feel better if she felt betrayed simply by me liking her, because……i couldnt do anything about that. you cant choose who you like.

or did she feel betrayed by me not telling her? because THAT, unlike the previous, i DID have CONTROL over, so it would be more my fault.

yeah well couldnt she see i was going crazy? i was not intentionally trying to hide something from her! i was intentionally trying to tell her something that she was not open to hearing at all! she made it very difficult to have a damn conversation with her, so the best i could do was signals!

it might be more of a “betrayal” if i refused to give signals! but i couldnt not give signals! bottling this up was driving me crazy and causing tension!

so it was more of my responsibility of me to say “WE NEED TO TALK” than it was her responsibility to say “you are being all weird, do you want to talk about something?”

i mean what could i say? i promise to never bottle something important up for months?

why cant she promise to hang out with me when i want to hang out for months and months?

because i was being weird. she wouldnt hang otu with me because i was being weird, and i was being weird because she wouldnt hang out with me. it always leads back to a goddamn vicious circle.

also i came to her and apologized profusely, im sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy i didnt tell you earlier, i was trying to, it was causing me a lot of stress, it was making me act weird and you noticed that. i WANTED to tell you! yes i SHOULD have told you earlier.

but she never really apologized to me and, well maybe a teensy bit she did, but she STILL didnt want to make an effort to talk or work on things.


i dunno. all our talking was done via facebook message, and texting, and instant message chatting. why couldnt we just meet one on one like we used to?

well i think once or twice she said sorry for being so distant, cuz she did have some family stuff. i said i would be there to support her with that, and that i hate pushing her to hang out, but i miss you. and she said we will hang out soon.

thats kinda the main reason i never Blurted It Out, because i was delusional that we would hang out soon!

heh. now i wish i hadnt deleted all those chats from the job. cuz i cant remember what happened anymore, i dont know whats real and what im imagining.

i had a dream where i was cuddling a woman that was NOT HER. i took that as a victory!

well, not really cuddling, but close to cuddling. she was sitting close to me and was being warm and friendly to me. good sign.

well shit. i am SORRY. yeah i should have just wrote her more emails when she was still talking to me. i couldnt hang out with her because of stuff with her family. so that automatically makes me the bad guy. but i know she hung out with other people during that time! she was just blowing me off cuz i was on the outs.

i dunno. i just wish she could have been more understanding of me, and nicer to me, and not hated me for liking her, and agreed to hang out with me even once, or replied to my emails even once. i am in a damn phase where i want to contact her again but i know i shouldnt, its been like 100 days.

yes i apologized to her for being insensitive to her family thing.

but she thought these were Just Words. but maybe they were!

well i was genuinely concerned about her family, but i was also genuinely concerned about our relship failing and that things were getting worse between us.

but it was my fault things were getting worse, because i wasnt telling the full story about my feelings.

i was mad at her for onyl giving signals but i was only giving signals too.

well what i needed to say took a lot of courage and i wanted to say it in person. she told me we would hang out soon and i was foolish enough to believe her, even when we hadnt hung out in months.

this is when it gets really fuzzy and confusing and circular.

well……you think if she had ANY feelings towards me, it would have worked out like this? fook no! she would have said yes lets hang out so we can talk; or she would have said youre sending me signals like you like me, is this true, because i might like you too. or when i disappeared from the job she would have responded to me. or when i wrote 4 huge emails she would have responded to me. or that she would have been “WARMER” to me instead of colder. i was weird warm, she was weird cold. if she liked me, maybe she would have been weird warm. she probably wouldnt have been cold like she was.

so, in short, she totally didnt return the feelings, she might be misunderstanding on me “BETRAYING” her, but shes not misunderstood on not liking me back, if she liked me, she would have been WARM and OPEN, rather than COLD and CLOSED.

SHIT. if she was WILLING to not get out of the relship, she would have been warm and open and willing to talk and communicate. she would have said we need to talk, or lets hang out (becuase i want to talk.) and i would have said hell yeah lets do that ASAP.


ive never BEEN in this situation. where i begged somebody to respond and they never responded.

so yeah maybe she’s NOT the best person for me…..but i cant see myself getting feelings like that for anyone else. or for things to be as good as it was with her when things were good between me and her and she actually cared about me.

I was like the cowardly lion: kind but cowardly. she was like the wicked witch: coulda been a wee bet kinder.

actually if she was like the cowardly lion it would have been ok: cuz she was kinda cowardly too, just cowardly and mean. if she was cowardly and kind, like me, she prob would have been more willing and open and more likely to respond to a damn email.

slow to anger, quick to kindness hahahahaha. wouldnt automatically assume i was BETRAYING her. maybe read the situation differently. situational awareness, emotional intelligence hahaha. she would say, i bet this is hard for him too. why dont i listen to him and what he has to say. WE SHOULD PROBABLY NOT TALK ABOUT THIS AT WORK. maybe next time he asks me to hang out i will say yes, or if i can’t, i will say, well i cant hang out this day, but lets plan for this day instead. and then stick to it. and then see how he acts. see if it looks like he wants to tell me something, or is trying to make out with me lol

or when he sends me an emotional email saying we need to communicate, i feel like i am losing you, i can respond to it and say yes lets communicate. lets get away from this stressful work environment and go somewhere peaceful and quiet where we can really talk for a while. a restaurant, one of our houses, a park. but not in this god damn office. somewhere away from here. yes i want to figure this out too. lets get to the bottom of this. theres some kind of elephant in the room here.

sheeeit. when my male friend wanted to talk to me about what had happened he invited me to his house and we had a good solid talk for 90 minutes, a nice solid heart to heart talk where i explained everything, he shared some personal things with me, i shared some personal things with him. he actually “blew me off” once because he got sick, but then we set a date after that and made it happen. i knew he wanted to talk and i wanted to talk too.

she didnt want to talk, she just wanted me out of her life, or to stop being weird. well i couldnt just turn off the feelings i had. IF I COULD, I WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!! and saved myself all this misery and devastation!!!!!!

did a 5 miler, it was nice outside. couldnt even listen to anything, was busy ruminating ie barrelling right through the middle of the pain like a rogue elephant. like a white gorilla.

i determined that i couldnt have betrayed her. because me getting feelings is not really betrayal.

betrayal is when you do something and think boy if she found out about this shitty hurtful thing she would be mad and hurt!

loving someone is not betraying them. it might be betraying your wife or whatever if you have one, but i certainly didnt, dont.

yeah i could have told her earlier, but she also could have been a LOT NICER.


i didnt expect a nice person like her to be so not nice to me when the rel ended.

i guess it wasnt THAT unexpected if i looked at the signs: she was getting ever more distant, so the LOGICAL CONCLUSION there is that she just cuts all ties. gets ever further distant.

but she might be the type of woe is me, blame the world type of professional victim. so she had to make me the boogeyman, scapegoat, bad guy: get mad at me and blame me.

which was a DOUBLE WHAMMY for me, because when someone gets mad at me, i say, im sorry, i didnt mean to disappoint you, please please forgive me, i will take all the blame.

i have no hesitation in admitting when im wrong………in fact, i will admit im wrong even when im not!!!!!!!!!! like in this case! i flip flop from being angry and disappointed in her, to blaming myself for pushing her away.


but yeah when someone makes me the bad guy, esp somebody i Luv, thats double whammy for me, cuz i fooking BELIEVE them and feel horrible.

so whyd she make me the bad guy?

cuz it was convenient. expedient. EASY. EASY WAY OUT.

so when she saw me acting weird, it was WAY EASIER to BLAME ME as a weird bad guy than to think hes acting weird becuase he likes me and GOD FORBID WE TALK ABOUT IT, that would be AWKWARRRRRRDDDDDDD. god forbid they do anything awkward towards Healing A Broken Relationship.


yeah i just thought she cared about me more. she used to really care about me. i liked being cared for by her. i liked being a special person to her. then that totally got turned off. she was not willing to talk, not willing to not throw me away, not willing to end the rel cordially, etc.

i dunno. i kinda want HER to go through some pain because i have gone through a WORLD of pain. im not gonna cause the pain for her of course. i just want her to feel pain at the loss of an important relationship to her. i want to matter to her and be important to her and so she is sad when i am gone.

but yeah EVERYTHING was too one sided. i was the only one with feelings, i was the only one who wanted to talk, wanted to try, wanted to communicate, wanted to end things cordially, only one who got hurt, only one who has trouble getting over it.

wawawawawawaw i wanted to be more important to her, that it would take her a while to get over me, but she’s already forgotten about me like she was some common whore and Our Special Rel never even happened wawawawawaw

its like shit we were once close, and now we are DONE, and i am hurting and miss you, i wish you could hurt a little and miss me too! and that would make you want to say sorry for hurting me so much hahaahha

i took at half dose of nyquil, o great.

yeah jsut feel that life is too much to deal with, cant do jobs, cant get women.