shit. had a big long dream all about THAT PERSON. not what i needed! i cant even remember exactly what it was about but it was long and there was lots of her. she was giving me videos of herself. i wasnt sure if they were supposed to be sex videos. one showed her in bed with another guy but they werent having secs, but it was safe to assume that there would eventually be some secs in one of these videos if thats how it was starting out. the videos told the dramatic story of her troubled life and showed her in many different phases: fat, skinny, long hair, short hair, hair with many colors.

the dream portrayed her as more slutty and more troubled than she actually was. and she was not the type to make videos. and she never went through many phases. she was never fat, she always had the same kind of hair, she never got with many guys and made videos with them. i liked that about her. she seemed impervious largely to the negative influences of the outside world, and could stay the course, was not always bouncing around from one thing to another. steady, straight and narrow. all good qualities that endeared me greatly to her. so yeah the dream did not show her as she really was, or even as i knew her. so that was weird.

took a different approach at the fatness yesterday. ive been trying to do 8 miles at a time, doing about a 17 minute mile which is abotu 3.5 mph, believe me my preferred pace is 2.8 or so.

basically i was trying to get it so that 1 mile burned 100 calories, by watching the calories and distance meters, and then every 10 minutes, bringing up the pace to 5.5 mph for 2 minutes to get in 20% jogging hahahaha.

but i didnt like jogging for more than 2 minutes at a time.

the jogging would build up a “buffer” where my calories were greater than my distance, and i could “afford” to go back to 3 mph again, which i gladly did.

then yesterday i began thinking HEART RATE was more important than what it said for calories.

heh well this disproves that.

anyway. what i actually experienced was:

i found that walkng steadily at 3.5 kept my heart rate at 120 (there are little sensors you put your hands on to measure your heart rate.).


anyway i tried to keep it at 120 constant, which for me is about 3.5 mph. of course running at like 6 or 7 mph can get me up to like 170 quickly hahahaha.

hmmm looks like this is  a huge controversy hahaaha.

anyway “jogging” is for phaggots, i would rather Run for 1 minute than jog for 2 minutes, then walk at a “leisurely stroll with aunt susie” for 80-90% of the time hahahahaha.

anyway when i tried to keep it at a constant 120 that was a higher heart rate than what i usually like, like 110 hahahaha. i also found this seemed to “feel” like i was working harder, more sweating hahahaha, possibly better sleeping. that is, i sleep more solidly, but still had vivid dreams featuring THAT PERSON, or at least a weird version of THAT PERSON.

well even if it was a fictional version of THAT PERSON, the nonfictional version was not much better.

she was “weird” because she was not promiscuous, she was “stay the course” and not bouncing around from thing to thing, trend to trend, belief to belief, chad to chad. I liked this consistency and stability. its stupid when people radically reinvent themselves every few months.

maybe it means she seems she is going through her first big radical change now? by kickign me out of her life? is she really changing into a Party Slut Successful Career Woman though? i will never know. well except when i see her on the rise in linkedin hahahaha.

it just really really hurts to be rejected by someone who was so very important to you. it is kinda worse than a death, because they are kicking you out of their life, with extreme prejudice. they are saying I DONT WANT YOU AROUND ANY MORE. when someone dies, they dont do that. its less of a blatant rejection. its not them saying, my life is better without you in it. and thats exactly what she told me and it ruined my year hahahaha. well it ruined prob at least 2 years cuz now i gotta deal with this job bullshit. all my confidence is gone and you need confidence to get and keep jobs.

fook. i hate that she was a decent person who i honestly respected and admired. a solid legit above board person, a good decent person you could trust. a person i wanted to keep in my life for a long time. this is why i eventually fell in luv with her. and then she said get out of my life, i never want to see you again, i hate you for getting feelings for me and being so weird about it.

and she accepted me for who i was, which so few women would do. she was willing to be my friend, get to know me, spend time with me. she never USED to be full of excuses why she couldnt hang out. until she was. because she had read my signals and didnt WANT to hang out with me, if i had different feelings.

maybe she viewed that as somone asking something of her which she couldnt do.  well she didnt have to like me, she just had to write me an email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or something like that.

she never wore makeup or go tanning. the worst she would do is very very light like eye shadow makeup once in a great while, and not that crusty face paint garbage that makes their face look like crusty tan plastic. do they think alpha men find this sexy? i find it disgusting. im not an alpha male tho hahahaha.

i havent watched a movie in MONTHS, its just not enjoyable. or tv shows really. like i dont give a shit about game of thrones or house of cards or even supposedly highbrow stuff. or lowbrow stuff.

stupid. but women get into these phases of IM NOT TALKING TO YOU. WERE NOT TALKING ANYMORE. unfooking believable.

so what do you do to snap them out of that? do you leave them alone and hope they contact you? do you Persist and Push? i have actually done BOTH now, and neither has worked. maybe because I Pushed first, then left them alone second. maybe you have to leave them alone FIRST, then PUSH, second.

i was thinking about drugs that give you confidence, and cocaine has a reputation for that. i have never tried cocaine or any upper really, the worst i had was i took an adderrall recreationally 10 years ago once hahahaha. but no coke, no crack, meth, anything.

how different are crack and meth?

like having a hit of CRACK before you start your shift so you sound more confident and awake to your clients/customers/callers. sound more normal and extraverted. how ridiculous would THAT be.

but yeah i still want to contact her.

she might eventually respond to me, but would it be GOOD for me? see what happened in late 2004 when i did something like this. i reestablished contact with the woman, but we didnt rekindle anything, and it just produced MORE PAIN. cuz i got my hopes up again and she was not willing to rekindle. she had moved on. blatantly fooking other guys like it was nothing. hey thats why they make the pill.

i felt comfortable, at home with her; like i could just be myself. not like i was always trying to impress or put on a show or mask. and then i got feelings for her and felt more of that pressure to COMPETE and IMPRESS her. but before things went bad i still felt very comfortable and at home with her, i just wanted to cuddle and make out with her now. anyway that level of comfort i had never had before and its hard to give up.

I Lost Somebody that was very important to me! of COURSE it hurts!

it was made Doubly painful because they Harshly Kicked Me out of their life.

heh whenever we had a “decent” chat at our job i would email it to myself for future reference. now i went and deleted all those in july so i dont have anymore “snapshots” of “how things were” during like jan thru april.  i recall we did have some talks which i thought were good. but nothing that really got right down to the root, ie talking about feelings.

i feel she DID KINDA lead me on a LITTLE because she said oh yeah we WILL hang out at SOME point, just not this weekend.

ok i hate to bug you but can we please hang out next month? tell me well hang out next month and i wont bother you any more this month.

yes of course we will hang out soon.

oh yay thank u muh one true luv.

but yeah, so it was on me to realize i was deluded in believing her when she said we’ll hang out soon…..but you can see why i wanted to beleive it!

also, she didnt HAVE to say that! she could have said no, i dont think we should hang out any more. but no, it was always: yes we’ll hang out soon, yes we’ll hang out soon. so YES she DOES bear some responsibility for that, for saying those things with did lead me on.

but yeah i hadnt been that CLOSE to a woman since i had some female friends in 2005, 2006, 2007. ANNNNDDD i got special feelings for That person, which made me feel even closer. (i didnt get the special feelings for those older female friends.)

(then there were the women i got special feelings for, but was NEVER really close with them, so the closeness was ALL in my head and solely due to those feelings.)

but with That Person, the closeness WAS real, it WAS mutual for a long time. and it hurts to lose that. and i wish i knew how she felt about it all.

well she’s probably glad to be rid of a pathetic loser like me, who was sneaking around trying to manipulate her into having secs with me, right? hahahahaha.

and i wish i could get it through to her that IT WASNT LIKE THAT!!!!!!! that stupid niceguy narrative put forth by journalists. thats not what i am!!!!!!

i just especially hate that Niceguy Narrative, and I HATE that someone could be mad at me because they thought THAT’s what i was, and they arent giving me a chance to explain myself!

i didnt just want her to explain herself, i wanted to explain myself too!

also i liked that she was Not Super Girly in the sense of makeup, chads, talking like an idiot, tanning, clothes, fashion, shoes, boots, makeup. she was a real person who didnt care about that shit. but she was also not asexual and unfeminine. she possessed feminine warmth and caring; and clearly was willing and able to give it to Carefully Chosen and Vetted men. and i yearned to be one of those.

but i dont think she vetted the second guy well enough because he cheated on her VERY quickly.

but she responded well by dumping him immediately rather than desperately trying to win him back.

but i think shes still not over him.

shit shes probably not still over the first guy yet. i think she wanted to work things out with him, but he didnt. kinda like what happened with me and her hahahaha. so it is very painful when you want to work something out with a person, but they don’t, they just want to leave you. very painful.

but i dont know the full story there, we didnt talk too much about That Breakup, well i figured it was a sensitive subject and i didnt want to talk about it At Work.

it was hard to talk about ANYTHING at work because our work was so mentally demanding. well MY WORK was anything. i GUESS i could have had in depth important conversations over the work chat by slowly asking deeper and deeper questiosn over the course of the day. im sure other people did that.

well SORRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY for not working the work chat as best as I could, and for preferring to talk in person, in a relaxed setting, rather than have a god damn 9 hour long WORK CHAT. fooooooooook.

or high heels. i never saw her wear high heels. i liked that.

or any super slutty clothing that showed her ass or bosoms.

she would wear Mom/Dad Jeans and nothing too tight.

oh god i miss her hahahahahaha wawawawawawawaw

she was kind of poor and she was very prudent with money, meaning she didnt spend $100 to buy slutty clothes and shit like that.

i liked the way she dressed when i really dont like the way many women dress, it is either too slutty or indicates that they want too much damn attention, its flashy and expensive and gaudy.

even if i met a new good woman tomorrow, i am still gonna be EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE for a LONG time! because i still want HER back! i know it wont happen, but that wont stop me from WANTING it! so really all i can do is let it run its course i guess. and pine for her hahahaha.

slut phd gives tedx talk encouraging women to be sluts hahahaha im sure ive posted this before but read the comments too, most of the comments are pro casual sex, disgusting degens.

i dunno. i just want a woman who doesnt LIKE casual sex, AND who hasnt already gone through her Casual Sex PHASE and THATS why she doesnt like casual sex any more, because shes gotten it out of her system, rode the c carousel, and is probably jaded wiht the 1000 C Stare hahahahaha.

heh i have been making coffee with 6 scoops instead of 8 and it is still killing my stomach and guts and making me poop 90000000 times a day. better go down to 5 scoops i guess!

wawawawawa i knew her for a while……then i stopped knowing her, because she didnt want me to know her any more! because she didnt like that i now liked her.

oh well life goes on, and you go on being emotionally unavailable because you always want so and so back. that person. and you are never available for a new, better person.

she likes to walk in the park! i like to walk in the park! i wish we could have walked in the park together. i walked with her in the park once and only once. that was before i was officially in luv with her. but after that, my feelings began changing. soon after…..i was in luv. and then i really wanted to hang out with her, go walk in the park, just hang out and talk and spend time. but it never happened again.

heres a college textbook by phds miller and perlman, intimate relationships, can get for 1 cent + 4 $ shipping. looking for a free pdf hahahahaha and skipping to the chapter about Rels Ending.


CHAPTER 13: The Dissolution and loss of Relationships

read it and never stop weeping hahahaha

Our forecasts of our emotional responses to
events are often in error (Wilson & Gilbert, 2005). In this case, though, the
wrongful predictions offer some hopeful news: As awful as they often are, the
average breakup doesn’t hurt as much as we think it will.
Of course, some breakups are worse than others. It’s generally harder to
be rejected than to do the rejecting (Perilloux & Buss, 2008), especially if one
already has low self-esteem (Waller & MacDonald, 2010). In addition, anyone
who mopes and dwells on what they’ve lost and how lousy they feel during
a breakup is likely to have a hard time; rumination prolongs our distress,
whereas reflection-seeking meaning in our experiences and looking to learn
from them-is associated with positive adjustment and recovery (Saffrey
& Ehrenberg, 2007). But people with insecure styles of attachment who are
416 c.·uAPrDC 13: Thl’ Dis.solution “nd Loss of Rtldtionsh1ps
anx_ious about abandonment are particularly likely to have trouble mentally
letting go. They remain preoccupied with the ex-partner (and are especially
upset at the thought of him or her with someone new), so they remain sadder
longer than others do (Sbarra, 2006). (To get their minds off their ex-partners, they ~hould start browsing dating sites to see who else is out there; anxious
people ddach more easily from a failed relationship when they set their sights
on someone new [Spielmann et al., 2009].) People with secure attachment stvles
fare better after breakups. They brood less, so they’re less likely to stay angry.
They’re also more likely to accept the finality of the relationship’s end, so they
start healing and recover from sadness sooner (Sbarra, 2006).

oh god

TABLE 8.3. The Short Form of the Passionate Love Scale
This questionnaire asks you to describe how you feel when you are passionately in
love. Please think of the person whom you love most passionately right nor”· Keep this
person in mind as you complete this questionnaire.
Answer each item using this scale:
Not at all
3 4
1. I would feel deep despair ii __ left me.
2. Sometimes I feel I can’t control my thoughts; they are obsessively on __ .
3. I feel happy when I am doing something to make __ happy.
4. I would rather be with __ than anyone else.
5. I’d get jealous if I thought __ was foiling in love with someone else.
6. I yearn to know all about __ .
7. I want __ physically, emotionally, mentally.
8. I have an endless appetite for affection from __ .
9. For me, __ is the perfect romantic p.11tncr.
10. I sense my body responding when __ toucht:’s ml’.
11. <1lways seems to be on m\ mind
12. I want __ to know me-my thoughts, my fears, and my hopes.
13. I eagerly look for signs indicating __ ‘s desire for me.
14. I possess a powerful attraction for __ .
15. I get extremely depressed when things don’t go right in my relationship
Higher scores on the PLS indic.att:’ grt:’Jtcr passion.1te lo\’c. Across all 15 itl’ms. the
average rating per itcm-.1dd up all your. ratings an~ di\’idc ~y 15–fo.r bo~h men and
women is 7.15. If your average is 9 (the highest possible), you re expencncmg more
passionate love than most people, .md if your avcr.1ge i.s 5.25 or lower, you’re e~pt:’riencing
Saurc1•·Halflt’•Sf’rrtl1rr. IQ,I/,.

ok kinda shitty copy and paste. super shitty. i was c&p’ing from a pdf and the pdf was obvious a fuzzy xeroxing.

perhaps we BOTH have INSECURE ATTACHMENT STYLES. i can see that

great book, i should really buy it.


i was Anxious Preoccupied, and she was Dismissive Avoidant. Both are Insecure aka unhealthy Attachment styles.

soooo how do you go from insecure to secure attachment? why do i have insecure attachment? i had a good home life growing up. noone abandoned or abused me!!!!!!

dr zhana runs the casual sex project hahahaha and she is around the same age as me lol

i dunno maybe i would be into being promiscuous and open rels, as long as i didnt get damn rejected all the damn time!

maybe its only because i get rejected all the time, is the reason i THINK i hate open rels and promiscuity, becuase they will lead to ME being dumped, cheated on, rejected.

but what if I were experiencing all the benefits? secs with multiple people, secs whenever i wanted? then i probably wouldnt be complaining as much.

like if i had 2 or 3 attractive young women i cuold get secs with, if one were unavailable, just pick another. wouldnt even need it every day. if i were working, i would only want it once or twice a week hahahaha.

i hate these tattooed phaggots that wear shirts that say TATTOOED AND EMPLOYED, to Fight The Stigma of tat covered freaks being unemployable losers. meanwhile i hate tattoos and have no tats and these tatted up losers are making more money than i ever will hahahaha.

sure i am jelly of them having jobs and beign successful in life and im not. doesnt mean i secretly want tattoos. i think they are dumb and its a big turnoff when women have them.

of course THAT PERSON did not have any. wawawawawawaw i miss her, i want her back.

“dr” zhanas sex blog hahahaha

shit i would kinda hate getting back in contact with her, IF she wanted to be Just Friends again.

bbbbbut then i would be able to finally have A Talk with her and say yeah i dunno but i still like u tho, and she would finally TALK about it and say sorry cant do that and that would give me the CLOSURE i want?????? fook that.

well i would know she didnt hate me at least. but i would still be rejected.

heh. when i think about other women, i am reminded of how i dont WANT other women, i want HER wawawawawa.

say what you will but i eventually communicated openly with her by writing her long emails which, if she took the time to read them, would explain a lot about my position. and she could have responded. but she didnt.

so yeah. maybe i dont hate promiscuity, and that if i had the opportunity to be promiscuous with several women, i wouldnt hate it.

but i wouldnt want to have a monog rel with a woman who want to have a nonmonog rel!

but i dont like the leftist degens that nonmonog is heavily associated with.

can you be a Reactionary Traditionalist Nonmonog?

well yeah cuz youre a neoreactionary. and a man having several wives is more traditional than women Sleeping Around.

“Dr” Zhana has a PHD IN CASUAL SEX. literally.

yeah, IDEALLY, I know what i want, and that is a traditional monog one man one woman closed long term rel with a decent women where i have feelings like i had for THAT PERSON. but now i need to let those feelings die, and then find a new decent person, AND make sure they are Available, and then plug THEM into that role.

it IS a lot of work and a HUGE investment. almost like a woman having a baby!

it takes a long time for the feelings to come on, and it takes a while for the feelings to fade!

it took 2 years for the feelings to start, maybe it will take 2 years to fade.