CANT CLOSE THE WOES / DESPAIR FORUMS PROFILE

WARNING: 9500 WORD POAST

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http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/112371-30-and-hopelessly-alone/?view=getnewpost

Percival5 has just posted a reply to a topic that you have subscribed to titled “30 And Hopelessly Alone”.
“It’s not that you don’t matter. People tell me I’m good-looking. I work out regularly and am in pretty good shape with a decent physique. I am pretty smart by my own judgment, and have had professors when I was at school tell me I was. I play guitar and sing. I’m 24 years old, and I’m also a virgin. I’ve been kissed exactly once, and only ever been rejected and told I was too clingy/fragile.

I know I matter and I know I have a lot to offer. But I’m still right there with you feeling that I don’t, and that I’m worthless, because no one has ever held me and kissed me and told me “I love you.” It’s awful. The lack of physical intimacy is something that just makes my heart sink, like a rock, every time I think about it.

It’s really hard–I know because it took me years to even start to figure out how to do it–but you have to focus on yourself. Not entirely, just mostly. Better yourself. I’m not going to say don’t think about finding a relationship. It might help motivate you if you see it as a goal. I’m also not going to say you don’t need it; I’m not going to tell you you don’t need someone to tell you “I love you” and hold you to make you feel worth something. The people who will tell you that have never known what it’s like to have never known that feeling. But they’re right that it’s not everything.

So much of the loneliness, at least for me, is self-pity and just hopelessness. You have to find some way to get confident. Try to take some risks. Get outside your comfort zone. I know for so many people (I blame our public school system and the general humiliatory conformicism of society, frankly) have just been so traumatized by social blunders. But that’s probably the main thing holding you back. It may never be something you completely overcome, but hardly any great artist or thinker went through life without experiencing the same. It’s a curious sort of irony in life that the really valuable people tend to feel the most worthless.

You’re not worthless. Just the fact that you feel you are makes you worth something to me. It makes me feel a little less alone, and moreover it makes me proud. I hope this makes you feel even a little less alone too. ”

great post by percival on a good thread. i immediately gave his reply a like.

and i would say, WHEN YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE, YOU SEEM CLINGY/FRAGILE TO THEM, BUT YOURE REALLY NOT, BECAUSE THAT’S NORMAL FOR WHEN YOU HAVE FEELINGS, WHEN THEY GET FEELINGS, THEY SEEM CLINGY TOO, THEY ARE JUST SO EMOTIONALLY UNINTELLIGENT AND UNEMPATHETIC, THAT THEY CAN’T PUT THEMSELVES IN YOUR POSITION. HAVENT THEY EVER BEEN IN A ONE-SIDED THING? I BET THEY SEEMED CLINGY TOO. DAMN.

yeah i had to type that whole thing in caps.

when you have feelings for someone, you DO kind of NEED them, more than you need other people. thats kinda what Special Feelings are.

PEOPLE SHOULD BE MORE EMPATHETIC and REALIZE this, when somebody has one sided feelings for them. they arent being CLINGY, they just have FEELINGS. its NORMAL.

IF THEY WERE MATURE, THEN YOU WOULDNT SEEM CLINGY, BECAUSE THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE GOING THROUGH.

This is especially frustrating when you have SEX with the girl, and then she dumps you for getting clingy, or getting feelings. well SORRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY for believing that sex is something special that should be shared by people who have FEELINGS towards each other. god damn I hate the anything goes, if it feels good do it, mercenary attitude towards sex.

tell btiches im a virgin because I treat sex with the REVERENCE it deserves, so I only have sex with people I’m in a committed long term relationship with. So I dont have much sex then, becuase most women want to have sex in the short term and dont treat sex with the reverence it deserves. strange, that, considering they’re the ones who can get pregnant. I’ve had to TURN DOWN sex from many irreputable sluts as a consequence. hahahaha.

this cocky speech will be sure to cure you of your virginity hahahahaha.

or better yet, dont tell women you are a virgin, then bang them, then give them that speech right AFTER youve banged them, telling them you have no respect for how they treat their uterus, but you were so damn hard up and desperate for any attention that you’d debase yourself with a common whore hahahahahaha.

no i dont hate women, i just hate that they abuse and defile their Natural Role so Casually, by having secs with men they dont know or luv, just because ITS FUN. IF IT FEELS GOOD DO IT. that shit makes me want to puke. and to think that the woman you LOVE, is brainwashed and poisoned like that. no thank you. it takes you a YEAR to get over her dumping you, and in that year, she’s been with 12 new guys at least. hahahaha. and when i say “been with,” i mean fooked. increased her Number by 12. at least.

i respect her woman who treats her own body with the respect that her Father would, if she had a good protective strong Father, which most women DONT, tragically. if you are a good father, you protect and guard your daughter’s honor. HOPEFULLY she “internalizes” some of that and begins to be as vigilant and guarded about her own body, and starts to understand what her father was on about.

THE WOES KNOWS.

CANT CLOSE THE WOES. 

CANT CLOSE THE WOES
ANT CLOSE THE WOES
NT CLOSE THE WOES
T CLOSE THE WOES
CLOSE THE WOES
LOSE THE WOES
OSE THE WOES
SE THE WOES
E THE WOES
THE WOES
HE WOES
E WOES
WOES
OES
ES
S

this is a new edgelord way of writing things that might even be better than

CANT CLOSE THE WOES
A
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T

C
L
O
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T
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W
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well both styles are awesome, so i guess just always use both.

the best color of shirt to wear when getting embarrasingly sweaty because you are a fat potato and have a very hairy chest and belly, is black.

come on. i just got FEELINGS for you. is that such a god damn CRIME? fine i can see how youd get annoyed at that, but the MATURE person would say, oh someone is getting one sided feelings for me. i know from experience how much that sucks. i better handle this discreetly and maturely. i might feel annoyed sometimes, but this is a fact of life that sometimes people get one sided feelings. its happened to me before. and it suuccccckkkkksssss and it hurts.

i didnt CHEAT on her or ABUSE her or ABANDON her. i just like liked her. and she thought that was reason enough to HATE me and cut me off and throw me away like garbage.

SO WHOS THE IMMATURE ONE HERE????!?!?!!

come on. i know for a FACT that she has had one sided luv. so why couldnt she relate to what i was going through?

probably because she had a lot on her plate and couldnt think straight. i know i have been in that situation, especially at that ridiculous job. but i could still write emails on weekends hahahahah.

but yeah. i was desperate to have her stay. i would have changed myself for her! probably too much. i would have gotten an online mba degree for her to stay hahahahahah. i would have lost like 40 pounds if she would stay. i would have bent over backwards and gone to the ends of the earth, and moved heaven and earth for her! yet none of that was good enough for her. she would rather just LEAVE. i would do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING for her, she wouldnt do a damn THING for me. so yeah, the rel was DOOMED because we wanted different things from each other.

5 miles a day is too little. 12 miles a day is a little too much. the midpoint bewteen these is therefore 8.5 miles. walk 8.5 miles a day. 6 days a week. this is about 4800 calories. that is over 1 pound, less than 2 pounds.

did i paste my Depression Forums Profile yet?

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[edit may 4 2016: i added even more to this in the meantime so this depression forums bio is now up to date as of today. insanely long hahaha.]

About Me
Yes, I have been a member since 2006! But I am much more a lurker than a poster and can go years without posting.

MARCH 2016:

Back after an almost 8-Year Hiatus!!!!

It would be a neat idea if members of this forum produced “Original Content” especially Podcasts for the community to listen to. Basically, forum people could Skype or call or conference each other for an hour or 2 or 3 and record fun conversations for everybody to listen to. I really like podcasts and hearing people talk. You could share stories of depression, despair, anxiety, loss, failure, heartbreak, struggle, sorrow, etc, and allow your own personality and interests to shine, while also trying to make an interesting program, with an eye towards living with and overcoming depression, and living good lives. Theoretically, I would be very willing to participate in such a podcast, but not right now, haha. I am a member of some forums that are very active and they produce lots of podcasts. You can then listen to the podcasts at your leisure. In the car, bus, train, at night, walking around, at the gym, in the forest, with your friends and family, listen to fun and rewarding podcasts instead of dulling your mind with television, UGH. haha. Just THINK ABOUT IT. DF PODCASTS. Can be done very autonomously by anyone who wants to. Only thing I would caution about, is having a decent microphone so your voice sounds clear. You can and probably should remain anonymous of course. I would certainly want to!

Still trying to get over my devastating events of 2015, loss of “loved one” and loss of job, something of an emotional breakdown, absolute destruction of all confidence. The loved one was a woman I liked who rejected me in a pretty bad way. She was more than a random woman, but an actual friend I had been friends with for over 2 years. As our friendship grew in depth and closeness and “intimacy”, I developed more-than-friends feelings for her. Because those were based on what I felt was deep mutual trust and knowing each other, the feelings were pretty deep and I thought she was “The One.” Obviously, this type of thing complicates a friendship, and I wanted to talk and communicate with her about it. At this time, she began avoiding me and always having excuses for not hanging out. We used to hang out regularly, now it was always excuses. I didn’t want to be pushy….but I ended up being pushy anyway. I should have just been ASSERTIVE and said “THIS ENDS NOW” and said WE NEED TO TALK, but I am more passive aggressive, less assertive. Not a good way to be with the ladies, hahaha. This pattern continued for 10 months and I was upset she couldn’t even put aside 2 hours to hang out with me outside of work and talk. We used to hang out! Also her excuses were somewhat legit and not really dishonest. She wasn’t dishonest, she was just a classic conflict AVOIDER. I’m the same way partially, but this I couldn’t avoid. She, however, had no incentive to deal with it, whereas I did. She just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away. I wanted to put in my bet and get a solid yes or no. It was looking like a no, but she would rather avoid saying it. OK, I can understand. I was also sending verbal signals and pretty clear signs like “we have been friends for a long time and I appreciate you more and more the longer we’ve known each other, and I would like to continue to get closer to you and spend more time with you this year. you are very important to me and I am very thankful for you” etc etc. I think she successfully interpreted what that meant and then was scared by my feelings because she clearly didn’t feel the same way.

Anyway, over 10 months it built to a boiling point and she stopped talking to me altogether. Wouldn’t respond to my texts anymore, pretended I didn’t’ exist. This was not the way I wanted our almost 3-year relationship to end. I freaked out and quit the job we both worked at. We were friends BEFORE we both got this job in late 2013, we weren’t “just work friends” but that’s what it seemed she wanted us to become. I wrote her 3 long emails explaining my side of the story, my feelings, spelled it all out for her, begged her to respond, but she didn’t respond at all.

I felt like I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. For a long time, I blamed myself for “making her do this” and pushing her away from me. Like I betrayed her by getting feelings for a friend. She wouldn’t talk or respond to me AT ALL. And I didn’t want to be a “weirdo” and bombard her with messages. I felt I kept the messages to a non-weirdo level, but I did send 3 long emails over the course of 1 month.

I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings, to care about my feelings, and to show concern about an important relationship in both our lives for almost 3 years. I wanted her to tell me this friendship mattered to her and that it hurt her too, that the friendship had to be over. I know at one time I was an important friend to her. I just don’t like being thrown away, I didn’t feel like I was treated like a human being, it was a huge devastated heartbreaking disappointment.

Total lack of closure altogether. I have NO IDEA what she was thinking or feeling. I have TONS of unanswered questions that will never BE answered because she won’t talk to me. I felt abandoned, given up on, thrown away, like she bailed and gave up on me. When you want to get out of a relationship, at least TELL the other person. Write me an email at least. I wrote you long emails and explained as fully as I could what I was feeling. Try to do the same for me. Just show me a LITTLE mercy and kindness and appreciate that this hurts me. Care about me and my broken heart hahahaha.

Our job was super stressful, basically involved trying to fix and explain things you don’t really understand, to anxious callers with strange technical problems. You never felt confident or competent. Always put on the spot and overwhelmed. the sense of being an impostor that didn’t really know how to do your own job. Fix and explain something you’ve never seen before. Show no weakness, you’re supposed to be the expert. Be familiar with 100000000000 different technical things and be prepared to explain them on the spot. Be an expert tutor for classes you’ve never taken before. Be an expert in things you’ve never learned. It was the best money I’ve ever made in my life but I hated it. I was also upset my performance was affected by her, her being there. I was upset she could manage her emotions better and deal with the job better, and ultimately I was too WEAK to hold down the job, while she continues to succeed there, make more money, her life is not affected at all, but mine is turned upside down.

I just wanted her to COMMUNICATE with me like a mature adult and help end an important relationship in a kind, caring way. Show me the kindness that she USED to show me when we were friends. NOT just avoid, block, ignore, abandon, give up, bail out, and “ghost” me. This is a mind-boggling and just insane way to be dumped. I will never do this to someone.

My conclusion is that she is just that conflict-avoidant. She doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t feel betrayed by me, she probably does value me as a once-important friend….but this was pure fight or flight, and she chose flight. There was no incentive for her to do the mature thing here. Just push it under the rug. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Let the drowning person drown. Get rid of the problem. If you could perform an abortion on a relationship, that’s what it seemed symbolic of.

But it was important to me to know that she didn’t HATE me, that she didn’t feel BETRAYED by me, and that she valued me and valued our friendship. I will never get answers here though I was tempted to contact her. But a month after it all went down, I stopped sending emails and went No Contact altogether. That was a struggle but I kept to it. I wanted her to contact me, but she never did. Indeed, now I’m tempted to contact mutual people to try to learn if she told them anything about what happened because I don’t want other people getting only her side of the story…..whatever that may be.

It was just a horrible, horrible ending to one of the most important relationships I’d had in many years. I had never gotten feelings for a female friend before. I also hadn’t had a female friend in years. And I hadn’t been friends with a woman for this long term. Usually by almost 3 years, we drift away mutually. Not here hahaha.

I wish I had been more assertive and proactive, but I REALLY wish she had shown a little COURAGE in dealing with this. Now I worry that all women are simply not mature enough to handle situations like this. Which I know is false. I’ve been dumped in better ways than this before!

All I needed was a standard, “Awwwwwww! I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel that way! You’re a good person, though!”

But she RAN AWAY from me and I had no idea what she was really thinking or feeling, and I never will.

The job was so stupid and stressful and I wanted to get out of there anyway. It was damaging to the emotional health hahaha. And so was she. I could handle both separately, but not both TOGETHER. I was angry that the JOB came between us. If we didn’t work together every day, I would have handled BOTH situations much better. but there was a definite synergy here in the worst possible way, haha.

Now I have been jobless for about 8 months, haven’t contacted her in 7 months, kind of plateauing on her, starting to get over it, but still pretty butthurt, and feel I will never meet another woman I have feelings for. I feel she is The Last One. I feel I will always be comparing other women to her, how we used to get along so well, and how I liked her so much, was willing to commit to her wholeheartedly. I figure it will take at least another year for me to become emotionally available. I don’t want other women, I want her. I would still “take her back” if she came to me and apologized.

Who QUITS THEIR JOB over something like this? But it’s possible something else would have pushed me to quit the job too. But I am angry because, after a year on the job, I was finally starting to get the hang of it and show real competence and confidence. How do normal people deal with the reality of “sink or swim” practice of job “training”? The confusion and uncertainty were maddening.

So now I feel super underconfident in doing other jobs: this is NORMAL for jobs to not train you! how do you DEAL with pressure and uncertainty and making quick decisions when you don’t really know what you are doing, and manage to survive long enough, for months, until you finally DO start to know what you are doing?

Also, employers will rightfully view me as UNSTABLE. When your Emotional Instability starts to really affect your Working Life, hahaha. It’s AMAZING how DIFFICULT it is just to be a normal working-class adult and hold down a job like a responsible, healthy, normal, average adult. I’ve never really been able to do it. Same with relationships with women. I am definitely the marrying type and the fathering type, I would really like to be married and have children, but I am NOT EVEN CLOSE. Also, I don’t want to have children with somebody unless I Really Love and am Committed to them. Kinda like how I was with my woman friend. There was no on the fence. No one foot out the door (well, not for me.) No, well let’s give this a try and see what happens. I was ALL IN. My mind was set on a lifelong commitment.

And it’s stupid I think more about HER than I do about getting a new job. But I have been getting better with the job search. But the next job I get, I HAVE to stay at for at least a YEAR, even if it’s even WORSE. Don’t want to look like a job hopper. And I am terrified of being put into situations where I have to face customers and clients and I don’t know what I am doing, because The New Normal is for companies to not train their employees because it costs too much money. And then people b!!ch at you when you make mistakes OR ask for help. The F’n New Guy. What a M0R0N.

BTW the profile picture refers to “Pepe the frog” and “tendies.” Google pepe and tendies memes to understand haha. Pepe is a meme frog which can be used in many situations. Tendies is a NEET meme (google neet hahaha) referring to neet L0sers who are too lazy and spoiled to get a job and they just live at home their whole lives and never grow up, never develop into adults, and if they earn enough “good boy points” by emptying their Pee Bottles and leaving the house, then their Mommy makes their 30-year-old virgin L0ser son some Chicken Tendies. YUMMMMM! Neets often have Depression and Anxiety and read /r9k/ on 4chan and 8chan and share pathetic tales of despair, being a 30 year old unemployable virgin. It’s a pathetic life. Some neets legit enjoy not being “wagecucks” and they enjoy watching anime all day. I just want to be a productive adult and have a 3D waifu hahaha. I don’t like anime. But it’s so difficult to convince companies to hire me and so hard to convince women that I am Cool Enough to Hang Out With. I’m tired of always having to Prove myself, and then having my argument not be persuasive enough, so I don’t get the job or the woman. I do not deal with rejection well hahaha. Also, I am just tired of being rejected over and over. I think you need a little success once in a while to keep you going. But it is demoralizing to go many years without gainful employment, and to go many many years without an Intimate Relationship. I hope it doesn’t leave permanent damage, but it certainly does decrease your confidence and make you less attractive to both employers and women.

I am actually a good/great employee, and a good/great friend, and would be a great partner to the right woman, but I feel like people don’t give me a fair CHANCE. Well, nobody said life is FAIR hahahaha. You have to assertively demand that people give you a chance. And 99% of the time they will still reject you, hahahaha. And not in a nice way either, hahaha.

Basically, I want to stop feeling like a Loser and stop BEING a Loser and just be more of a winner. It sux being a Loser At Life. A Failure. The two biggest things that would fix that are gainful employment at a job that doesn’t drive you crazy; and a healthy relationship with someone who will love you in good times and bad. Yeah, these are kinda big things and take a LOT of work. And I don’t feel capable of doing such sustained, intense, focused work. Everything just seems TOO HARD hahaha. The stuff normal people do as part of being normal: working, having a wife. They make it LOOK EASY but its really haaaaaarrrdddd as heck.

Anyway I think companies SHOULD train their employees and SHOULD create an environment where people can get HELP in doing their jobs. That they are “set up for success” and not failure. No more sink or swim. I understand cutting costs in the short term, but I care much more about the long term. I would ALWAYS try to help new people once I actually knew something about the job. ALWAYS. And I would support them and encourage them. Because I know how hard it is to be a new guy and spend day after day, month after month, feeling like an 1d10t. Yes, that eats away at your confidence, rather than builds it up. like a train wreck in slow motion hahaha. We’re all here to do our jobs the best we can. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what to say and I’ll say it. Give me the tools and processes to Solve Problems and I will solve problems. Don’t make me figure everything out by myself. What kind of message does it send to our clients to have people out there that are terrified and clearly don’t know what they’re doing? Also, some people do better than others when under pressure. I break under pressure and can’t do even simple things. Other people do their best work under pressure. not me. I can’t even remember my own NAME when under pressure. Are there any jobs for people who don’t handle pressure well????!?!?!

The most useful thing to me was Studying After Work. Studying like I had a big College Maths Exam the next day. Because that’s what it felt like. Taking a test all day, every day, only you had to orally explain your answers as you worked them while an anxious person hovered over you and interrogated you. But you hadn’t really studied the book or done the homework or gone to lectures and you had the worst, most useless instructor ever. I couldn’t believe a job could BE like that. It blew my mind and shattered my soul hahaha. But I managed to persevere for a full year, and slowly improve, until the problem with The Darn WOMAN pushed me to my breaking point. It’s all SO frustrating and disappointing.

I don’t like having to “BS” people just to get them off the phone. I like to ACTUALLY fix problems and to ACTUALLY know what’s going on. I like being able to get help from another person. I REALLY like being able to transfer a client to a more knowledgeable colleague when I can’t figure something out, and being able to listen in and see how THEY handle the problem. I don’t like being told to “figure it out” and left on my own to flail like a drowning man. You constantly wanted a hero to swoop in and save you, but you had to be your own hero and cobble together the most kludgey workarounds. “Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks” was my metaphor. It looked UNPROFESSIONAL as heck. It looked like we didn’t know what we were doing and were making it up as we went along……because that’s exactly what it was. I do not deal well with that kind of work. I need certainty and real explanations and real knowledge and real HELP.

That job, combined with THAT PERSON, was a recipe for disaster, and boy did it happen.

I have a huge ridiculous blog that is focused on helping losers become winners. Lately though it is me moaning about being a loser. To show the world what Real Love and Real Heartbreak looks like. To share the internal world of someone who knows he’s a loser and just can’t pull himself out of it. BUT trying to be more optimistic than /r9k/ for example. You should read /r9k/ for a while to get an idea of what it is……then stay away from it forever. My perspective is like /r9k/ but for people that really really want to Get Better. Anyway, message me if you want the link for my blog.

That is not my real birthday but I am in my Early Thirties. An Older Millennial. I definitely feel older and different than the younger/average millennial. I still have some similarity with generation x. the nihilism and cynicism hahaha. but I never became a successful adult like they did. also, most younger millennials are more successful adults than I am. good jobs, good relationships. I just can’t relate to these normies hahahaha but darn I wish I did!!!!!

I try to deal with stuff by writing although not sure if that really helps. Also, like to exercise, that might help a little more. Trying to lose weight. maybe that will make me more attractive to women hahaha. so desperate for female attention and approval!!!!! always have been.

But I am not really a bad or annoying or creepy guy. I have had great friends who really appreciated me. I just am shy and introverted and people need to give me a chance hahaha. But the people who did give me a chance usually ended up getting something valuable out of it, hahaha.

I just don’t like being abandoned or given up on by a close friend! This would hurt ANYBODY, even the most confident NORMIE!!!!! And so it was especially hurtful to me, being insecure and unstable hahaha.

I don’t shove my insecurities in people’s faces. Only anonymously on the internet, hahaha. In Real Life, I just seem like a quiet and nice guy. Though maybe a little weird because a little too quiet. But I’ve had people who appreciated me. I guess I would like to have more appreciation at the moment hahaha. My family appreciates me THANK GOD but I am greedy for more appreciation: that of especially women and jobs.

I like all kinds of music and movies. I enjoy black metal and artsy foreign movies. Yes, these things can be quite degenerate. It’s hard finding stuff to watch or listen to that isn’t TOO degenerate.

I am really against Degeneracy, though, which I find in EVERYTHING. Any product of modern culture is somewhat degenerate. Promoting immorality, hedonism, and nihilism. I have discarded things I used to like, simply because it’s ultimately a bad influence. For this very reason, I am no longer a Big Fan of any TV shows. TV is horribly degenerate in general. As are movies. As is music. It’s hard to ENJOY anything because so much is rooted in degeneracy and has no higher meaning. Like I said, it promotes and is born from an unhealthy worldview. It does not nourish or strengthen the soul. It’s hollow and empty and soulless and sometimes downright wrong, immoral, evil. No redeeming qualities. Casual sex, hedonism, nihilism, moral relativism, amoral, immoral, if it feels good, do it. If it gets you off, do it. I can’t tolerate that stuff anymore. Or where the only thing that matters is that everyone is Consenting. Consent is a crappy Moral Standard. Two people can CONSENT to something that is horribly immoral.

Young people can be BRAINWASHED into living a degenerate life. I know I was. It’s basically short-term hedonistic GLUTTONY of the senses. I never did casual sex simply because I was not attractive to women, but I did use too much pornography for a time. Porn is hugely degenerate IMHO and I wish I’d never seen it. I want to stay away from it for the rest of my life. We should not tolerate Porn as a normal thing. It’s BAD. It’s WRONG. It’s IMMORAL. It’s DEGENERATE. NO GOOD can come from it.

As you can see, I am no stranger to making Strong Moral Judgments hahahaha. I would have it no other way. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more Moralistic. I Cannot tolerate moral relativism anymore. There is RIGHT, and there is WRONG. Period.

I perhaps overestimate how “degenerate” some things are, but I truly believe the stuff goes DEEP. It is ALMOST like a deep PsyOp designed to destroy our morality and our souls. The Devil works in crafty, mysterious ways hahaha.

No, I am not super religious but I have become more religious. Or, at least antiatheistic, where when I was young and dumb I was vehemently atheistic, antitheistic. Now I just think that is smug sophistry by fedora-wearing “I Luv SCIENCE” types.

A lot of this is tied to a Political and Ideological awakening I had in my mid to late twenties where I essentially went from Left to Right, to oversimplify it greatly. In college, you had to be Far Left to be cool. I wanted to be cool, to just fit in, and have friends, meet girls, have people like me. But as I got older, I couldn’t keep going with the moral relativism of the Left. I had to Become Who I Was hahaha.

Uhhh I won’t judge anyone here as degenerate. That is none of my business. Just try not to HURT people. It’s not that hard. If they are begging you to show them mercy, show them mercy. If they are begging you not to throw them away like a piece of garbage, DON’T throw them away like a piece of garbage! Have respect and care for your friends’ feelings! Don’t add insult to injury! Also don’t be a cheater. (No she was not a cheater, but I am very anti-cheating!)

And don’t have casual sex with more than one person at once. Yes, it’s the other person’s business because you might be giving them a disease hahaha. You know what, don’t have casual sex at ALL because sex is inherently INTIMATE and NOT casual, and when you try to make it casual, this will come back to haunt you, by making you unable to connect with people. Unable to love haha.

If you are a woman who has a male friend, understand that he might develop feelings for you after a while. Try not to be hugely offended by this, and let him down GENTLY. He’s still the same person you became friends with. He just likes you so much that he wants to take the friendship to a deeper level. Let him down GENTLY. Darn.

I am very generous in giving Likes. So don’t be offended if I have given you lots of likes. Sometimes I will like almost every response in a thread.
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haven’t been on here in years, but it’s a great community! I am taking steps to manage my “crippling depression” and so things are ok in the short-term, but I struggle w the long term (i.e., jobs, “career”, rel’s. introverted, lack of energy, love to nap. I quit drinking in 2009 & that was HUGEly positive. infatuation, irritability, try to find the humour in things, fairly obsessed with Sex and “Status.”

Sept 2012: no energy, underemployed, trying to become gainfully employed, don’t like school or work, can never find the energy to not be lazy, extremely lazy, can lay in bed all day, but never feel “sad” or “depressed”. Rather, just no “joie de vivre.” job searching and career building is awful. very difficult socializing with women.

OCT 2015: Wow I’ve been a member since 2006. old skool! I am in a low that hasn’t been this bad since about 2006! loss of job, loss of loved woman. I have been rejected before, but this feels like the worst because I was closer with her than with other women, I felt it was the best relationship, and that she was The One. Also, quit the job at the same time because I worked with her, and I hated the job anyway, and the “breakup” was not a good one. life destroyed. trying to slowly get over the woman (all happened in July 2015), trying to rebuild life, get new job, get over the loss of someone I LOVED. of course we never really dated, she was a friend who I got along with very well, then 2 years into the friendship, got feelings for her, and that was the beginning of the end. She did not share the feelings, and increasingly distanced herself from me, I desperately tried to communicate with her, and then it all ended with silent treatment from her. I really wish she could have just TALKED to me and TRIED to dump me in a “gentle” way, but noooooo. instead, I was thrown away like a piece of garbage by the person I loved the most, and what was once a good friendship, was OVER. it was DEVASTATING. I hadn’t been in this much pain in YEARS.

Also, I think my anxiety is just as bad as my depression. In fact, it might be the Root Cause of my depression.

I much prefer the word “DESPAIR” to “depression.”

I am taking 20 mg of citalopram per day, might up the dose. [Edit March 2016: now 40 mg, might even go higher next time] had taken Paxil for about …. 7 years? since 2008 or so, up and down there, in July 2015 had been totally off Paxil for a few months, had some bad withdrawals for the first week or 2 there.

had major anxiety about job and woman after a while, started with a new doctor and new meds. then the crap hit the fan with woman and job, in July 2015, been devastated ever since, trying to rebuild life completely.

coping thru: tons of exercise, try to walk 8 to 10 miles a day, it’s very positive, although I am not losing any weight! but better than being a huge neckbeard loser.

writing on the blog in an attempt to help self and others. the theme of blog is to help depressed despairing people who have experienced a lot of failure in their lives, with work and women, as have I. trying to overcome us being “losers”. Message me for the link to the blog.

it is no good to think of yourself as a “LOSER” but that is VERY pervasive for me: early 30s with nothing to show for it: underemployed, unemployed, total failure with women, always get dumped, can’t get or keep a job or a relationship. have no faith in the power of education to improve my career. college is a scam imho. (I did complete a bachelors degree in something that’s useless for attaining gainful employment, a big regret; but I don’t have the motivation or desire or ability to return to school for a graduate degree or a new more useful degree)

but I have never done well at interviews either. and my most recent job was very stressful. it did not help my mental state at all. very stressful and I was confused and overwhelmed all day everyday, and felt like an incompetent, unconfident, unintelligent person who was incapable of doing my job, being asked to do impossible things. phone calls all day from people where technical stuff was broken and trying to fix AND explain things I had never seen before AND had no understanding of. very nerve wracking. also working with the love interest. I fought and made gains in dealing with the insanely stressful job and was just starting to earn respect and confidence in being able to do the job. Ultimately it was not the job itself, but the presence of HER, that pushed me over the edge and pushed me to break down and quit the job. Still angry about that.

never did well with jobs and women, which I see as major elements of being an Adult Man. Till recently I was semi-gainfully employed and had a decent relationship with a woman, and was almost on the path to “normalcy”, but the whole thing came crashing down when I started to have deeper feelings for her. Neither of us handled that really well, the relationship ended horribly, and I could not cope with working at the already stressful job with her. So I quit, and now I feel like a huge loser and it sucks! I lost a very important person, feel like I will never connect with a woman again, feel incompetent to do any job, no jobs train you, all jobs try to scam their customers, all jobs put you in impossible stressful situations and push you to your breaking point, real all or nothing thinking hahaha. plus good luck making a livable wage, let alone the type of money a normal man your age should be making, who wants to be eligible for meeting a woman and having a family someday!

(Those are my basic life goals: have a gainful job making “upper working class” wages that is not so stressful that it constantly pushes me to the edge of a nervous breakdown; and meet a woman that I can have a long-term, mutually loving, monogamous, traditional relationship with, and have children (maybe 3!), AND be able to support them. Tall order I know, blame my materialistic greed and sense of entitlement, hahahahaha)

Really tired of struggling so much with jobs/career and women, have spent my whole Young Adulthood doing that, and now no longer a Young adult haha. nothing to show for it. have a very bad attitude. also, this “breakup” is very hard to get over, very painful. I was not blameless but I still don’t think I deserved that harsh of treatment. But some days I DO think I deserve it, that this is all my fault, if I had just been a Better, Cooler, more confident, more manly man, this wouldn’t have happened.

I used to be big on MRA and MGTOW thinking, but am moving away from that now, as it seems like a lifestyle of bitterness based on personal failures with women. I don’t want to be that bitter towards women forever, I would like to get over this and be open to another woman someday. But I don’t see that light at the end of the tunnel yet. I still want her. Fantasize about her contacting me and saying “I’m so sorry, please give me another chance”, and I absolutely would, because I was/am so desperate for her!

I am still pretty traditional, though, have been getting into the “neoreaction” and traditionalist and nationalist scenes. I think men and women are naturally different but complementary, and that casual sex, recreational sex, short term relationships, and nonmonogamy are especially damaging to women, simply because of the hugely disproportionate Reproductive risks and responsibilities women naturally have: i.e., women get pregnant, men can’t, and pregnancy and child-raising are a BIG HUGE deal that should not be approached lightly.

I did learn some valuable lessons, basically, don’t drive yourself crazy waiting for the perfect time to talk, but just “blurt it out” through a phone call or text or email, if you feel you need to talk about it, and I def did! I was trying to get her to hang out so we could talk about it in person, and indeed, that’s very reasonable for such an important conversation; and then she responded by refusing to hang out at all. As that pattern persisted for 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,and finally 10 months, I gradually went nutters. I should have just Blurted It Out, not Bottled It Up. I am one of those guys that need to say or write everything verbally, I am not a fan of signals. Although I did give some pretty clear signals to her as to what my feelings for her were now, that they had changed from “just friends” to desire for something more, and her response was to back off and become distant, obviously did not share the feelings, but also did not want to talk about them.

I didn’t expect her to return the feelings. I just wanted to have a talk like a mature adult, and not be thrown away or ignored or avoided entirely. that’s what hurts more than anything! if she had just talked or even emailed me and said: “I don’t have feelings for you, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to hurt you, we had a good friendship” that would have been a LOT better. But I feel bad that she just threw me away like I was not a human being, like we never had the good long-term friendship that we did. I knew her for YEARS, not weeks or months. I felt being thrown away like that was unfair to me. I might have annoyed her with my Signals of New Feelings, but I don’t think that’s as bad as throwing away a long-term friend without even talking about it. Near the end, I was begging “please respond” in emails, but I never got any response whatsoever. I’ve been rejected before, but NEVER like this, and this person meant a LOT to me because I actually KNEW them for 2+ years, as opposed to the women I “pseudo-dated” for 2 months or so before they dumped me, hahaha. This relationship was much stronger than those!

So I am slowly getting somewhat better from that devastation, but now I need to find a new job, get through the stupid interview process, and confidently explain why I quit my last job, then perform better than all the other people interviewing, just to get a job where you are thrown to the wolves with no training, deal with difficult customers and difficult co-workers all day, feel like a very unintelligent person who doesn’t even know how to do their job, and maybe get fired after a few weeks because you’re “not getting it fast enough” hahahaha.

I hate being nervous at work for at least 8 hours a day, then spend all your free time being nervous about the next day. So I would spend my free time “studying” work material so I could “get better” at the endless number of technical issues I got phone calls about; so I could sound confident and competent, and not sound dumb. It is kind of like having a pop quiz of Complicated Story Problems, then having to solve and explain them verbally, all day every day. And I hate sounding dumb because I know I’m not dumb, and it is SO frustrating having to CONVINCE people of that all day.

People treating you like you’re not smart, and you want to say “I’M SMART, I SWEAR! I graduated from a top university! I got an A in Calculus 2! I do very well on Jeopardy and trivia! I have an IQ of at least 120! My friends have done Ph.D.’s and masters degrees and are very successful! I am well read! sorry I just dont understand weird technical BS when I am thrown to the wolves and everybody treats me like an unintelligent person!”

(if you use a common word for “unintelligent person,” ID-10-T if you will, DF automatically censors it hahaha)

Yep. Gainful employment and halfway decent relationships. I dont know how anybody does it!!! Just want to be a normal functioning member of society and establish a healthy long term relationship.

 

////////////////////////////////////////////// end DF profile as ov nov 2015….i mean may 2016

Capitalise the first word of every sentence. Every sentence doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. Also use apostrophes and try to spell words correctly. But grammar is really not important as much as the punctuation and spelling. Use commas and semicolons frequently if the sentences start getting long. This is regarding all business communications. Doesn’t matter if the sentences are fragments. Just capitalize the first word, use apostrophe’s. Then you will look smart even if you are a crayon-eater. And higher-ups will treat you with respect and that will make your working life just a little bit easier.

Also prove you are smart to your superiors by speculating a “REGISTRY HACK” as a possible solution for everything. Then they will say, no no, dont do a registry hack, just do this thing thats not listed in the manual, or escalate it. But since you know what the Registry is, that separates the Smart from the Dumb. This is how these idiot higher-ups think. They think they are SO goddam smart just because new people are so IN THE DARK about everything, and the higher ups are in the dark a lousy 10% less.

i am trying to find a plain dark black athletic t shirt, made of sweat wicking polyester. this is impossible. i have one but i cut a hole in the neck because i sweat so much. now i want one with a proper neck so i can wear it to the damn fatness club.

well an impartial judge and jury would judge that i had the MOral High Ground in that Breakup, in other words, I was clearly dumped, I wasnt to blame for that, i didnt abuse her, she jsut wanted out, and that is mainly On Her, which is fine, but what is NOT fine is the horrible horrible way she did it.

of course, all this moral high ground is worthless when I am the one who is crushed, in despair, jobless, crushed, no confidence, and she continues at the job and works at it very well and will use it to become a successful adult. she moves forward, i move back. that sucks. i kind of want the job to drive HER crazy and for HER to quit. i was one of the SMART people anyway and she was one of the DUMB people. think SHE knew what a registry hack was? fook no!!!!!! but it doesnt matter, the higher ups love her because she is a pretty gurl!!!!!!!! and give her help and training and train her how to do her job. fook that shit. real men STAND ALONE. dont need ANYBODYS help.

ASK FOR HELP, GET SHOT DOWN.

ONLY LOSERS NEED HELP AND ASK FOR HELP.

hahahahaaha. this is a TERRIBLE attitude but you have to learn to live by that code if you ever want to survive in a 15DAHJ and have KIDS one day. because no one is gonna HELP YOU at work. well, they will half assed help you, and resent you for it, so you better not ask for help. but you are confused and dont know what to say to the customers. BOO HOO. just BULLSHIT something then. i had a hard time bullshitting so much. meanwhile she didnt have to talk to anyone. she would get the issues wrong, not understand the shit, and not even care, just tell them sorry nothing we can do. but because she Hit All The Metrics she is viewed as a great employee. I was a great employee too, but even greater, because i actually sorta knew what i was doing, in a place where no one knew what they were doing, simply because the shit was SO complicated and SO disorganized. so i dont blame her for not knowing what she was doing. i just blame her for TURNING on me hahahaha.

i think it would have been ok for me to have an ARRANGED MARRIAGE at age 18. the gurl would be cute, young, virgin, and of the same race. when you arrange a marriage, you dont pick a gurl who is a damn used up slut!

i fear that i will be so desperate to have children that i will just have to pick a damn slut to do it with. and that would be a horrible idea.

wouldnt it be better to have children with a decent nonslut Little Asian woman, rather than a dirty skank White woman????!?!?!?!?!

but i waaaaaaaant a white woman not an asian woman! i dont have yellow fever! i can appreciate asian women being Nicer and less of sluts…..well, tons of asian women ARE huge sluts, having secs with white guys they JUST met, like white tourists who go to the philippines or thailand to bang asian gurls. no thank you! i mean i might try that once, but why wuold you marry one of those gurls?

heh. i have an huge inferiority complex. i hate when gurls who dump me go on to be bigger winners at life than me, and certainly all of them have. one short term slut went on to get a masterz degree at the top univ in the nation in her stupid bullshit field. many people who get this degree regret it, but not the people who went to this skool!

another slut who dumped me had a bullshit undergrad major but then got a phd in it and is now a respected phd. she did not go to a top 3 grad skool though. maybe top 10 hahahaha. HA! barely even top 100. i just checked. what a fookin loser. feels good to be smarter than some bitch who dumped you with a phd hahahahahahahahaha.

well that person will never get a phd or even a masters degree, they might not even ever get a BACHELORS degree hahahaha but she is certainly making more money and doing better in her career simply because she is staying in that job and will prob springboard from it to a better job. plus she was 8 years younger than me and making that kind of money. shit. and she is more white trash than me hahahaha. those other girls were not white trash, they were solid middle class, almost raised to get Graduate Degrees etc. they were still huge sluts though. i much prefer working class nonsluts. but most working class gurls are huge sluts, just like the middle class gurls, they just actually HAVE the trashbabies rather than have abortionz so they can focus on their graduate degree and Commensurate Career hahahahaha.

if you go to a middle class college, practically EVERY gurl there has had a pregnancy scare where they ended up getting an Abortion, and now they are much more careful with their Pills and Birth Control when they have Casual Hook up Chill Hangout Sex, so they dont have to have another Abortion.

sexual ethics. sexual morality. what was that phds name? anthony mccarthy? he studies and writes about sexual ethics/morality. and i think he is on the good side.

provocative abortion debate

the red ice radio thing where i first heard mccarthy

anyway yeah i hate when bitches break my heart AND become much more successful than me. you kinda want to see them go downhill, having bastard babies, working horrible jobs, hitting The Wall with a vengeance, so you can look at them in 10 years and say “DAMN! THANK GOD I DODGED A BULLET THERE!” rather than “they still look alot better than i hoped they would, and they are more successful at age 30 than i will EVER be. CLEARLY they were out of my league!”

cuz they say the best revenge is to live well, well they broke muh heart AND lived MUCH better than I! they sure dont feel bad! you should feel bad when you break someones heart!

anyway if you get a chance to bang a woman under age 30, just do it. just wrap it up, pop a valium, and get er done. even moreso if she is under 25!!!!!!!!

doesnt matter if they have kids, doesnt matter if there are ugly or fat. well i guess if they are absolutely GROTESQUE, then you can say no. but any chance to get damn EXPERIENCE with a somewhat young (under 30) woman is something you cannot conceivably turn down, as a woefully inexperienced over-30 loser!

i had the AUDACITY, the HUBRIS, the ENTITLEMENT, to think that i had a chance with a 25 year old! SHAME ON ME!!!! hahahahaha.

i wouldnt be reacting this badly if she had made THE SLIGHTEST DAMN EFFORT to NOT BE A HUGE B TO ME. she didnt have to be PERFECT. but show me EVEN JUST ONE PERCENT respect or kindness or gentleness when DUMPING me. you dont GET to dump somebody AND be mean. you get to dump someone IF they are really mean to you. but you dont get to be really mean WHILE you are dumping somebody who hasnt been really mean to you!

ok time to go to the fatness and try out muh new sweat towel hahahaha.

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