well i want to start on my affirmations again, i started a new file and am trying to practice them. real flashcard type stuff. for example:

created: 11 16 2015

I deserve a partner who loves me for who I am and treats me kindly.

I deserve a job which recognizes and rewards my skills.

I am a great communicator.

I have great interpersonal skills.

Dear GOD Please help me. (might be too desperate hahaha)

I deserve kindness and open communication in a relationship.

I am not an abuser and did not deserve the harsh way I was treated.
(they say not to use “not” but cant think of better way to phrase it)

I like and respect women when I get to know them individually.

I am working to overcome adversity and be a man.

I am dealing with legitimately stressful and traumatic life events.

I accept that Its Over Forever.

I cannot make her change her mind even if shes making a mistake.

I do not want to be with someone who would have to be coerced into being with me.

It is legit devastating to lose someone important to you; it will take a long time to get through this protracted pain, but I am doing it day by day.

I will treat myself like I would treat a beloved friend. For whom I would only want the best. Give them solace, comfort, and the truth.

It takes a long time to stop loving somebody, about a year. I am getting through it and facing it one day at a time.

I do not hate or judge anyone. I treat people as individuals.

I am a good worker and worthy of being hired into a 15DAHJ.

It is legit VERY painful to be dumped by someone you love. I didnt want the rel to end. That’s why it takes a long time to get over. I was not ready for the rel to end.

It legit hurts to be abandoned.

its harder to get over when you are the dumpee because you didnt want it to end.

But I am getting over it one day at a time.

I provide excellent customer service.

I genuinely want to help custmers, clients, people in general.

I am worthy of attenion and love from women.

I am constantly improving every day in every way (hahahaha)


so there it is. i am just starting out.

went to the fatness last night for 2 hours of treadmill and got about 7.2 miles in with decent amount of jogging at 5 and 6 mph. got extremely sweaty, pouring sweat, shirt ridiculously soaked with sweat, often as young women were using the treadmill right next to me. surprisingly and pleasantly, i did not care. i was secure and comfortable with my sweaty hairy potato body. wiping my sweaty face with a damn paper towel.

now did i not care because i hated and felt contempt for the woman? like oh shes a slut she can go suck d’s and ride the cock carousel anyway? uhhhh i hope not.

That Person was in decent shape and had a very nice body and she did not go to the GYM at all. if she did she would just get MORE fawning attention hahahahahahahahaha from guys who wanted to fook and or luv her.

well its a good thing for me to go here and get rid of calories and such. i think this is the only way i could have a change at pulling a woman who doesnt look like a potato hahahaha. so maybe one day i could be worthy of the ugliest fattest gurl at the gym. who would be a marked step up from fat ugly women who dont go to the gym.

i really have the greatest sympathy for the fatties and oldies and uglies, because at least they are TRYING. they dont HAVE to be here. they could be watching talmudvision and stuffing their fat faces. but instead they are here huffing and puffing on the treadmill with me.

i tried the “elliptical” well i dont even know what it is called. you pedal with your feet in a vaguely walking elliptical shape while pumping the levels with your arms. it is like a very exagerrated shape based off running, but it feels like it would be easier on your joints and such, less impact. which is great, but even on level 1 it was kind of exhausting, way more exhausting than the treadmill. i watched people going at 5 mph average and i was like shit i can barely do 3 on this thing! 3 on this thing is twice as hard as 3 on the treadmill! i stayed on it for 10 minutes then went back to the treadmill.

the problem is people are always jogging. never walking. and when they are walking they are powerwalking at like 4 mph. my ideal pace is 2.8 mph. i dont care for constant powerwalking.  but all these people around me are always jogging like morons, so i have to jog moar; or i see a fit black man and then a fit white woman, and then i think, well, i’ve gotta directly compete with HIM for HER, and right now he is beating my ass in the competition.

these sound like hateful weird thoughts but they are not obsessive at all, i might be right next to the fit black guy and it doesnt bother me. what is 900000000000000000 times worse is the thoughts of THAT PERSON and also of trying to Rebuild Life.

might be getting sore throat or some kind of infection from being around all those damn people hahahaha.

it was like being at job in room with 50 sick people ahcking and coughing because they couldnt take unpaid time off because we were ON BLACKOUT, so they just came ot work sick, got everyone else sick, and everyone was answering a nonstop stream of phone calls trying to fix weird confusing shit where we knew even less than the caller, while trying to meet all our metrics and do things we didnt know how to do, al while explaining things we didnt understand to the callers hahahahaha while hacking and coughing and

even in 1964 the beatles were totally degenerate with songs like “a hard days night.” ok he was talking about working all day, and there are a number of songs like this, but the impression i get was that they are complaining about tedious factory work which was available in the west in the 60s to working class unskilled young men; rather than even lower paying and more anxiety inducing customer service work; because if youre anxious all the time, you cant be creative musically. you dont even want to LISTEN to music. anyway all the way back in 1964 they were making innuendoes to all the degen secs things they were gonna do to their Slag Shackjobs.

when did The Pill become widely available? 1968 (guessing)? so why such celebrations of recreational secs in 1964 then?

Although the FDA approved the first oral contraceptive in 1960, contraceptives were not available to married women in all states until Griswold v. Connecticut in 1965 and were not available to unmarried women in all states until Eisenstadt v. Baird in 1972.[89][93]

ok how about uk

In October 1961, at the recommendation of the Medical Advisory Council of its CIFC, the FPA added Searle’s Conovid to its Approved List of Contraceptives.[131] On December 4, 1961, Enoch Powell, then Minister of Health, announced that the oral contraceptive pill Conovid could be prescribed through the NHS at a subsidized price of 2s per month.[132][133] In 1962, Schering’s Anovlar and Searle’s Conovid-E were added to the FPA’s Approved List of Contraceptives.[111][129][130]

so in other words, unmarried slags could easily get the pill in UK before in USA, by the time of beatles 1964.

i wonder if getting rejected by a decent marriageable woman is more painful than getting rejected by a dirty single mom slut.

hell yes! because its ACTUALLY someone you would WANT to be with long term! its a higher quality person! and you cant blame it on them being a fickle stupid whore, but rather on yourself for not being quality enough of a man!

but at any rate, even if that person was a quality marriageable woman……..the way she rejected me was not classy at all. THIS IS NOT THE WAY A DECENT WOMAN REJECTS A MAN.

yeah i just cant be a real mgtow because i want women too much. i dont want to exclude women from my life. i dont want to quit women. i would rather keep enduring damn heartbreak and disappointment for the change to make it work even just one time with one woman. maybe i would be willing to hang out with damn stupid sluts. provided they are in their 20s, dont have kids, and are attractive hahahaha. its probably better to have meaningless slutsex than never be with women at all ever. then when you get demoralized by the slutsex, just quit.

but recreational casual slutsex CAN teach a man to become a better MAN, whereas it teaches women NOTHING about being a better woman. its makes them a WORSE woman.

Richter, Max:Sleep: Path 19 (yet frailest)

something i heard on the classical station yesterday that really grabbed me

very nice. new music does not usually grab me.

this was super chill yet sad and i thought this is like the theme music to my life hahahahahaha

when you GET DUMPED by someone you luv, it takes a LONG TIME to get over fully, as in, to stop thinking of them every day, to have them fade into the past, for you to be ready to luv someone else. or maybe even like them. yes the fact that they dumped you when you didnt want to get dumped is VERY relevant and makes it SUPER painful.

i didnt want it to end. i wanted it to get stronger. i was in luv with her. and then that all came VIOLENTLY to an end, of her initiation. you think thats NOT gonna hurt for a long time? you think ANYONE would get over that quickly? only a SOCIOPATH COULD get over quickly.

she will get over it quickly because

1. she didnt have any feelings

2. she WANTED it to end.

i had a TON of feelings, and i SO didnt want it to end, and it ended in the most trainwreck way possible. so OF COURSE it will take a lonnnnngggggg time to get over. something would be wrng with me if it DIDNT take a LONG time!!!!!

do i have shyness, or social anxiety? wtfs the difference. i have both hahahaha.

so what do i say when describing this woman to future women? just say i Dated her for 2 and half years and i got dumped? cuz Women Wouldnt Understand how I could LOVE someone i never FOOKED. cuz FOOKING is the be all end all for Most Women hahahaha.

fook it. i will just get patronizing and say you dont have to FOOK someone to LOVE them. LOVE is build on trust and long term compatibility. which we had. therefore i luved her.

Proverbs 26:11 King James Version (KJV)

11 As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.

hahahahahaha i know i had heard that one before. i guess dogs eat their own puke. why not.

hey come on when a gurl TRULY LUVS a man and HE dumps her, how do you think SHE feels? HORRIBLE! DEVASTATED! and it takes a LONG time to FULLY get over him. USUALLY it drives them to do real stupid things: casual secs, stalking him, remaining in constant contact, behaving REALLY SHAMEFULLY in other words, and i have done none of that. i am not deluded. i still want her to change her mind…….but i know she wont.


In my experience it’s usually a waste of time and energy, when someone treats you with utter contempt, to respond with respect.

says a commenter on youtube.

well i tried to treat her with kindness and luv, not sure if i was capable of “respect” , but i was like pleeeeeeeeease work with me her, please talk to me.

how can it NOT be harder to be the dumpee. you DONT WANT the rel to end. they do, and THEY end it. meanwhile you are flailing and grasping saying please no dont leave me i dont want this to end.

supposedly they might feel guilt later but still. i think it is way worse to be the dumpee. cuz you never wanted it to end.

had a stupid dream where she sent me a long text message. i didnt even read the whole thing which was weird. i immediately called her but got voice mail. i left a long voice message saying thank you for contacting me, i really really want to talk to you, im not mad at you, please lets reconnect, please lets talk asap, call me, email me, text me, please respond. i cant remember what exactly the text message she sent me said. why didnt i read it closely? possib because it didnt matter to me, just the fact that she was contacting me at all. she could have been saying sorry i dont have feelings for you but lets be friends again if you promise not to be weird hahahahaha.

well it wasnt my feelings itself that was weird, it was the fact that we could never have 10 minutes alone privately to talk. i didnt want to talk at the job. i really couldnt. it was an unchill place and all the discussions were about the job, becuase you knew in less than 10 minutes you were gonna go back inside that building and get slammed with something ridiculous. you couldnt have a serious conversation about Life.  thats why i wanted to hang out outside of work!!!! like we used to!! before i scared her away by being weird weirdo hahahaha. and this is seriously the level of analysis by Some Women. asking them to consider WHY he was being so weird is an Exercise In Futility.

but yeah i dont really WANT to be a MGTOW, cuz its kinda SAD. in some ways i do NEED a woman, in that i feel it is My Calling to one day Be With a Special Woman, rather than never having that happen. i found a woman that was Super Special. my search was done. now i just had to have her want to be with me. finding the decent woman is one impossibility. having her WANT to be with you is another impossibility.

its an impossibliity upon an impossibility!

she had some “baggage” but it was not dealbreaking baggage. like if a gurl has ever been raped or molested or abused as a young gurl, that really messes them up. or if they have gone through a big slut phase, having casual recreational secs with all their many male friends.

she had no good father figure which was potential baggage, but she wasnt raped or abused and never became a slut, had a decent mother, never had that rebellious phase where the teen gurls start doing drugs and slutting it up and really seeking tons of male attention. all those pitfalls for gurls with absent fathers. she avoided them thankfully. grew up to be a decent woman with morals and values. and it hurts a lot more when these women reject you. cuz its a decent marriageable woman. something of real value is lost. you are losing someone that is truly important to you and not just some dirty gutter slut.

well to my credit i have not fallen for dirty gutter sluts in like 6 years.

but its more painful to be rejected by decent good women.

i have to live with the fact that i will NEVER fully understand this situation and why she did that. because she was angry because i was weird. so I was the root cause, me and my weirdness. well i was being weird because she was being distant! and it hurts when someone is good to you then they stop being good to you!

Some Women do this all the time. just lose interest. or turn cold.

i have never Just Lost Interest in somebody I was once close to. I have drifted apart from people due to time and distance, where it seemed kind of mutual. but if they contacted me i always eventually responded respectfully. i appreciate the friendship we once had.

IT HURTS TO BE ABANDONED! i cant believe i need to explain this to All You Women! I KNOW you’ve been abandoned before! by your fathers, by deadbeat badbois who you were in luv with and never lost interest in.

but yeah to get BORED with a PERSON because they were interesting like a new shiny toy one minute…..then the next minute you move onto the next new shiny thing, discarding and replacing the “old” one (really only a few weeks or months “old.”)


how do you think that makes the discarded person feel? that they were only interesting enough to hold your damn attention for a few weeks/months?

then they may blame themselves but of course its really the damn womans fault. treating people like Interest Objects, new shiny toys that quickly lose their luster.

it speaks more of the woman than of the “toy”/man!!!!!!

“but if you were more interesting, i wouldnt lose interest in you”

do any of your REAL friends say that about you?

but These/Some women arent your real friends. they arent loyal to you, they dont like you for who you are, they just wanted recreational secs with you, decided that even that was too WEIRD, and then dumped you hahaha.

i think men naturally want to be with women. and the marxist sexual revolution and the pill and abortion and “womens lib” and all that affected women directly. and by affecting women it affected men.

NEVER give women loyalty that they haven’t EARNED. no they cannot earn loyalty by secs, although they used to, before they became MERCENARIES. not a good way to be. the best way they can earn your loyalty is through THEIR loyalty. note how loyal they are to you and make an effort to be NO MORE LOYAL than THAT.

THis can be challenging because its in men’s nature to be loyal.

women naturally have a pandoras box within them that naturally must be suppressed or managed or held back.

that seems kind of weird. i mean why should your natural state be destructive?

are woman naturally r-selected? if anything women should be K selected and men r selected. so i dont think thats the point exactly.

well i think sensible women dont WANT to be promiscuous chad chasers. and they DO view secs as the serious thing WHICH IT IS. they realize that casual sex is bad for woman, and that sex is for reproduction FIRST, and pleasure a very distant second, even if the pleasure might be substantial. but that is ONLY in service of the PRIMARY goal: to REPRODUCE. to have babies. for which women have the lions share of the responsibility because they CARRY the child. they GET PREGNANT.

how can women not understand this, as women? because theyve been brainwashed and their mothers have been brainwashed. therefore i have to Mansplain and Cissplain (hahahahaha) what it means to be a woman hahahaha.

but really have i had to cissplain all that to actual live women? no not really. because i never associated with women who were Like That. I Chose My Women carefully hahahahahaha. so its all the more disappointing when they reject me hahaha.

i am tempted to contact other people to contact her on my behalf, but certainly she would see that as further PROOF of my weirdness and try to slander me as WEIRD to those people. she probably already HAS. like oh i stopped talking to him because he was acting totally WEIRD and it made me FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. oh well that settles it, he’s the bad guy, you dump him to the curb gurlfran, what a piece of shit he is for making you feel uncomfortable! thats as bad as abuse or rape!

when the sensible thing to say was, well he was just being weird cuz he had feelings for you and you kept blowing him off, he wasnt a bad guy, you should at least write him an email, he is probably heartbroken, and you dont want that on your conscience.

tfw a person shows INTEREST in you, then over time they lose that interest. it hurts. i cant believe i have to spell this out. but do i really?

did i feel ABANDONED by the previous women who rejected me? well kinda. but this one is worse. the feeling that they just GIVE UP on you. then you go between well why dont you just GIVE ME A CHANCE, and oh shit i am just worthless, thats why they gave up on me.

but i never had someone just run/walk away from me like this. they always sat me down and talked to me in the other cases. i was still upset and mad at them, in fact i was MORE mad at them! and i still wanted to make them change their mind.

i want to be more mad at her, rather than making excuses like she was overwhelmed and bewildered and i caused all this, i was the root cause. well i do get mad at her sometimes though.

its harder to get over when you are the dumpee because you didnt want it to end.

but yeah it showed me no luv or no regard. and i was so touched to have gotten True Positive Interest from her in the past. that warmed my heart to have a nice purty young woman show interest and kindness to me and certainly set the stage for me getting feelings. it is nice to have purty young women be nice and friendly to you. showing that Feminine Warmth in that unique way only a woman can. then they take it all away and leave you with that horrible coldness that only women can. like night and day. maybe she was just bipolar. i dunno. i will never know.

i dont want anyone else. i still want her. that is a sign i am still not over her. which is fine. i said it would take a long time to start wanting anybody else, at least a year.

but yeah i still want to see an email from her in my inbox saying sorry for everything, i overreacted, i shouldna done that, please forgive me. when at the end i was begging her to forgive ME, hahahahaha.

its funny, she thinks she is in the right, and i am always blaming myself, playing right into her story. when really she was more at fault. and also its a shitty thing to just abandon people like that, she SHOULD apologize.

its not like she was going through the motions because she was afraid to DUMP me. there were no motions to go through. we werent fooking or “in a rel.” she just wanted to DUMP me without saying anything about it. best of both worlds!

like when a women in a rel “checks out” and “goes through the motions” but she still fooks the man and spends time with the man, becuase she is too cowardly to dump him outright.

well she wasnt too cowardly to dump me, but she was too cowardly to dump with Talking! or even a text! or a post it note!

i know she had been abandoned before and that is a precursor to this, but i never been aware of HER abandoning someone until now.

she never abandoned her boifrans. she didnt really abandon her friends, she did let friends drift away because they were drugged up losers, and thats a valid reason for letting someone drift away.

god damn i wish she would come to her senses with Hindsight and see that she was out of line.

i was a little out of line. but she was waaaaayyyyyy out of line.

but she had some family issues and couldnt think straight.

well i had some other issues and couldnt think straight either hahahaha.

but its weird. most women experience by age 19 what i have been trying to experience even since like age 13: a loving monog longterm rel with intimacy and secs.

now for them they dump him when they are in their 20s because they want more adventure and excitement and to really discover themselves, break hsi heart, and become a huge slut hahahaha.

well she didnt even do that. ! if anything her bf dumped HER or at least they both mutually wanted out of it because it was filled with fooking problems and arguments. there was no one person begging the other person to stay. please stay, please reconsider, please change your mind, please dont dump me!

yeah my trainwreck was ANYTHING BUT MUTUAL. it literally felt like being thrown under the bus.

went to the DMV and it was both better and worse than expected. it was the middle of the day so only unemployed bums like me can go at this time and it still took forever hahaha. there was an ad saying they were hiring temporary positions at 11DAH. i thought about this before even getting there, and i figured, WELL, its a STATE agency, therefore they HAVE to start out at at LEAST 15DAH, and have GREAT benefits, and union, and 37.5 work week, and paid overtime for every hour of overtime rather than expecting you to work 60 hours a week with no OT because you are salaried-Exempt.

nope 11DAH temp and probably no benefits becuase you are classified as a temp?

besides benefits always suck unless you sign up before getting cancer.

a “bogan” is an australian CHAV or white trash hahahaha.

yeah that machine at the gym that i didnt like as much as the treadmill was indeed what could be called an “elliptical” haha

yeah its just fooking gay, i feel like i will never find another woman as good as her, its all downhill from here, i must have done something really bad to push away such a good person.

when REALLY all it was is, she never shared my feelings to begin with, we never went out, she wanted to be just friends, i didnt, she thought my feelings were weird, and everything ended. pretty common situation. it would be worse if she strung me along!

well then i would take the time to actually explain the shit to her.