hmm. thought i had written more on that last post haaahahaha.

not only could she have written a damn email………….SHE COULD HAVE READ MY DAMN EMAILS.

not only was she not willing to communicate with me, she was not willing to listen to what i was trying to damn tell her.

well, i have no proof, but chances are good she did not read most of the stuff.

when someone loses all respect for you like this, is that your fault? sometimes. it depends hahahaha. but i dont think it was all my fault here. she could have at least read/listened to what i was writing/saying.

i cared about how she felt! she didnt care about how i felt!

so do we blame her father for abandoning her which may have been the root cause? so that she doesnt know how to have a mature rel? but she does know how to have a mature rel. which makes me think it was all my fault. but really. she could have READ my emails at least!

or do we blame her mother for CHOOSING her father who probably showed huge signs of being a deadbeat or badboi?

i mean its sad that her father abandoned her, he shouldnt have done that, she turned out to be a decent person in spite of it all. decent except for the horrible shit she did to me hahaha. but she turned out to be a most decent person, not a slut and not a cheater, which happens to 99% of fatherless gurls, so.

but she hurt me more than any SLUT ever did!

also the SLUTS i knew had fathers in their lives! wtf?!?!?!?!??!

well, not all the sluts.

but yeah. i think i deserved to have my emails READ, AND responded to. i dont think i deserved to be thrown away like YESTERDAYS TRASH. i cant believe that.

(CANT CLOSE) THE WOES has a chat with Copy, an English guy who seems pretty with it. I enjoyed their talk and had a favorable reaction to Copy. He talks about how College can be very destructive to young men who are not well prepared, and i was not well prepared, and neither was  he or Mr Woes. and so now we are all a broken record of dont go to college, go to trade skool, or if you do go to college, do stem. stem stem stem stem stem stem stem stem stem.

i liked him talking about how stuff like the humanities and nonstem naturally attracts kind of introverted outsider shy sensitive men, so they get a double whammy, because their masculinity is further destroyed by the masculine-hating educators and theories and knowledge and what is taught. and young men start to get anxious and this is really bad for men to be anxious. i agree, anxious kills confidence and its just very counter-masculine. an anxious man is not a masculine man. its okay to be sensitive and introverted and in touch with your emotions, just dont become anixious or shy or beta. unfort that first group veyr readily leads to the second group.

and to be surrounded by beautiful young girls and you really want to have secs and cuddle and make out and have a gurlfran but you cant because youre beta and different and weird and the gurls are like sheep led by those with power in the univ, ie huge fookin anti male marxists. and then you finish and are unable to deal with the real world, and realize you should have done stem or not gone at all. great vidya. and now you are 10 years behind the dumb degenerate mainstream normie jocks hahahahaha no you dont end up the winner because you were the “smart nerd”, you were the wrong kind of nerd, and no you wont get the last laugh, you will continue being under the thumb of extravert normies and only get their sloppy seconds at best. at worst you will be a 30 year old virgin hahahahaha.

35 year old virgin! hahahaha.

thank god i stopped being a virgin at age 21 with an Easy Slut! now I can’t say I’m a 30+ year old virgin at least!

a two year friendship where i was once your special friend and now youre NOT EVEN WILLING TO READ AN EMAIL when the going gets tough???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

because me being weird and acting like i like you is just THAT BAD that youre NOT EVEN WILLING TO READ AN EMAIL from me.

well when you put it THAT way, shes OBVIOUSLY the bad guy hahahaha

to ask the question is to answer it, and of course the author knows that.

i know muh gurl hadnt done that, she hadnt been so damn used up wawawaawawawawawa

it sucks she could be so mean to me, couldnt even READ muh emails.

she treated guys who were bad to her better than she treated me (certainly not an uncommon thing with women!) she CARED abotu them more than she cared about me!

she did AMAZINGLY well for a girl without a strong father. ive seen gurls WITH decent fathers turn out to be big sluts. but at least the big sluts talked to me like a human being when they dumped me so they could get shit on by muslims. and they didnt HATE me for liking them.

if you get CASTRATED, can you still get feelings for women?

do you still get aroused or erotic feelings for women?

i thought she was exceptionally strong morally because she could discipline and control HERSELF without the strong guiding hand of a masculine role model. without which, many/most women seem like they would naturally DEGRADE themselves unless you keep them under lock and key. and this was just sad but true reality for the Creators of Human Life. The Sacred Gun, given to a Baby with a huge Id.

Women can’t handle the responsibility given to them by nature!

Unless Reasonable Adults Control them. doesnt have to be JUST men. their mothers can control them almost as good as their fathers.

like you see these mothers who LOVE being mothers. traditional wives and mothers. they have several children and love it. GOD BLESS THEM. THESE women I would trust to not Automatically Degrade Themselves when left to their own devices. But an unmarried Young Gurl? HELL TO THE NO!

so thats why i liked my female friend so much, she had a lot of SELF CONTROL, which earned liking and loyalty from me.

of course, i should only have given her loyalty once I got HER loyalty…..and her secs.

She couldnt even ******READDDDDDDDD****** ONE EMAIL!!!!!!

you dont have to love me, you dont have to like me, but respect the two good years we had and READ one email from me, when I am trying to tell you how I feel at the End of our Relationship.

she knew me for 2 and a half years and couldnt even READ ONE EMAIL from me after throwing me away like YESTERDAYS RUBBISH.

she was SO UNWILLING to commuincate with me, she could not even READ ONE EMAIL from me.

she couldnt even write me one email even though i quit the job because of her and i think she knew it.

if some gurl quit the job because of me, i would at least write her an email and say IM SORRY.

well this all pertains to people who work together in the same room every day and see each other every day. if you work in different workplaces…..uhhhh no need to quit your job son.

i would have said no, you dont need to quit the job because of ME, lets smooth this out so we don’t hate each other and nobody has to quit their JOB.

nope. no willingness on her part to do any such thing. i just disappear one day forever and she doesnt even CARE. god damn how could you be so COLD.

thats the PROBLEM. if one woman can do such a 180, pull the rug from underneath you, so can ANY woman. but dont you trust me? yeah i trusted HER too. yeah she was nice and loyal to me TOO. in the beginning. yeah i never thought she would leave EITHER.

hehehe i was watching this ridic show “90 day fiancee” where a 58 year old man was marrying a 19 year old filipina gurl. and he had been Hosed by his ex wife who totally betrayed him like that, so he wants the gurl to sign a prenup. supposedly the law is, she HAS to go over it wiht a lawyer (cuz shes on a k1 visa) and get advice from a lawyer. the lawyer tells her its “garbage, he’s stabbing you in the back” and blatantly advises her not to sign it. i wish the lawyer went into more detail here. the husband was making a ton of relevant and strong arguments for the prenup.

sign the prenup because you luv your husband to be and it proves you are not willing to ever betray him. simple. i’d sign a prenup if she asked me to! but when do women ever ask MEN to sign prenups????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i mean its a ridiculous show and 58 year old men should not be marrying 19 year old mail order brides. maybe from russia hahahaa.

there was a 21 year old girl from russia marrying a 22 year old virgin mormon american boy. he was kinda gay but thats just from being a virgin mormon. they had by far the healthiest relationship.

everything else was just weird:  a 27 yo israeli guy with a 27 year old american gurl, probably a j00 too, well that was the next best rel. he was angry she went to a strip club on her bachelorette party and wouldnt speak to her. you could tell she really cared for him because she really wanted to talk to him and didnt want him to go back to israel.

but that was weird because israel is a damn first world country and he could certainly find a wife there.

then there was a loser 27 year old american white beta male with a 25 year old woman from thailand, the love of his life;

a 38 year old latino american man with a 22 yo gurl from columbia, who was really cute and had a lot of white in her and was very innocent and feminine; but she did have a dumb tattoo and was not fully white are the two main strikes against her. the guy was an overbearing mamas boy with an overbearing mother who was pushing the cute willing young girl away from her fat beta son who could never otherwise marry a cute willing nice 22 yo american gurl.

a 33 white american woman with a 26 year old black jamaican man, so he could be the stepfather to her white son. yikes. her family understandably did not really trust him.

think thats it. by far the best couple was the russian girl and the young american mormon. it seemed natural and right for them to be getting married both at age 21 or so.

pretty soon i will be so old it would be “weird” for me to marry a 25 year old woman.

but after that age…..they are so old its hard to get that loving feeling, where you want to luv and protect them. its just like you arent married YET? you must have some baggage then.

heh. its not a huge coincidence that thats how old she is hahahahaha. which by the way, is the oldest woman i have ever been actively in lv with. well the previous woman was 24/25. she is techincally 2 years older than That Person hahaha but was a little younger than That Person was when TP rejected me.

when i was 22, i was in luv with another 22 year old. much more age appropriate hahahaha. but she was a slut who just wanted to have fun. sex means nothing unless its an alpha male youre in luv with. she respected her father although her parents were divorced and i dont think she saw her father that much cuz he lived in a different state. but she talked to him regularly. i dont think he was a deadbeat per se!

well she was a j00 and i will never again date a j00. its a good thing i DIDNT get married to her hahahaha.

now j00s can be very cute and they are the most white looking of the races, in fact, back then, i thought they WERE white. but now i appreciate the differences and i want a WHITE woman thank you very much.

unfortunately, white women are in a poor ass state right now…….as are white men. the white race is truly SUICIDING itself. willingly playing into the powers that be who want to GENOCIDE the white race, and the whites say yep okay we suck we deserve it, we dont deserve to exist.

note that a white woman having babies with a nonwhite man is a form of racial suicide.

or white men mating with asians or mestizos.

i wonder if these jewish gurls ended up marrying jewish men once they got out of college. and during college they ride the goy carousel. but i would imagine their strong j00ish families would want their women to marry j00ish men only.

do middle class j00s have stronger nuclear families than middle class whites? working class whites?

or are whites, who practically invented the nuclear family, moving more towards a “ghetto matriarchy” ie r-selection?

damnéd whore!!!!!

éééééééééé hahahahahaha hué hué hué

ëëëëë the dirty albaniëns use this one a lot hahahahaha

i saw a guy the other day driving a shiny black mercedes benz with a license plate that said ALB BOSS. there is no doubt as to what the ALB stood for hahahahahaha.

albanians used to be white but…..not so much any more imho.

so why didnt the turks rape thousands of women in like ukraine or moldova and bulgaria when they were part of the ottoman empire? why are bulgarians still white but albanians not? is what i want to know. does it have something to do with albanians also being more muslim? why didnt the turks just rape the bulgarians AND force them to become muslims?

the azerbaijans are an iranian people like the kurds. but the georgian people are…..a caucasian people? what people who live in teh caucausus are not really caucasian? armenians GOTTA be caucasian i would think.

note: i do not view caucasians in this sense as “white.” i dont know WHO started calling whites caucasians but imho its wildly misleadingly inaccurate.

so turks hate armenians cuz they genocided them. so armenians must not be a Turkic people i would think hahahaah.

well koreans would genocide each other if they were paid well enough, they have no racial solidarity.

nor do whites, in their suicidal state!

so if your RACE is in a suicidal state, is it any wonder many individuals of that race are in despair? hahahaha.

are armenians iranian hehehehehe.

it is IMPOSSIBLE to believe i was SO BAD that I deserved her to not be willing to READ ONE EMAIL after a TWO AND A HALF YEAR Relationship.

well when you put it that way hahahahaha. so that s the best way to put it.

also in that vidya with copy and MW, they mention this culture of nihilism in the 90s where it was considered COOL to be despairing and self destructive and do drugs adn throw your life away and not care about anything and be hateful and suicidal and a gothic despairing loser as part of your teen angst, and i dont think that is the same about the teen angst of the younger millennials, who accept their generational role with less rebellion hahaha. and its easier for them to get gurls. (that is my own interpetation hahaha)

so, in 2015, a 20 year old beta will have an easier time getting gurls than a 30 year beta did when he was 20 in 2005 hahahaha.

its like the younger millennials dont even HAVE adolescent angst, while the Older millennials never outgrew their insanely severe adolescent angst!!!!!!

hehehe thats the problem with being an older millennial. you dont like those millennial phaggot degenerates and dont want to be a part of that generation, but you’re too young for generation x too.

so yeah. like MW i am an Older Millennial.

maybe thats why things failed with that person. since she is SQUARELY smack dab bona fide full millennial.

if older millennials were nihlistic and anti-moral, then younger millennials are….situational, opportunistic, relativistic, and completely amoral.

to us, morality MATTERS; to them, morality is an outdated myth, only the situation and the rationalization matters.

so us olders rebelled and rebelled and rebelled and eventually became super moral neoreactionaries hahahahaha big supporters of traditional morals.

although some 20 year olds are jumping right into the nrx stuff, well good for them, i wish i was half that smart when i was 20. instead i believed middle class college bullshit like males are oppressive and whites are oppressive. oy vey im sorry, so sorry. i was wrong.

well ya know by age 26 i was well on my way towards Red Pill, I had lived and failed in the real word long enough.

but even 26 is a little old. if i had gotten a proper job immediately after college maybe i would have been redpilled by 23 or so. oh well. not a huge deal.  better than 30 hahaha. by 30 i was already a hardcore mgtow neoreactionary neonazi white nationalist, still am, except i dont identify so much with “mgtow” any more because i dont want to GIVE UP on women. I am much more comfortable with the term “neoreactionary.”





i was thinking, if i were to have S with a woman before really knowing her, like within a week or even a month of meeting her, i would say to myself: I DONT TRUST THIS WOMAN. Sure it’s great that i’m getting S so easily, but IF SHE GIVES IT UP TO ME EASILY………SHE’LL GIVE IT UP TO ANY MAN EASILY.

She’s PROMISCUOUS. She’s EASY. She doesn’t respect the Power of Pregnancy. Baby with a Gun.

she doesnt even KNOW me. i could be a total psychopath. if she can do this with me, she can do this with other guys. possibly while she’s WITH me. she doesn’t respect the power of pregnancy, she doesn’t respect sex itself, this is NOTHING to her, she’s just in an emotional swoon and not even thinking. boy now i don’t feel so special any more. well you SHOULDNT. she does this with ANY GUY.

i have such an aversion to SLUTS, that i never THOUGHT about how a woman could deeply hurt me in ways OTHER than being a slut. THAT PERSON hurt me more than any slut ever has, and she was not a slut!

well….she didnt intentionally hurt me. the hurt came from me being in luv with her.

BUT….she could have been nicer. she didnt have to be so mean.


and that is the key to my liberation hahahaha. she didnt have to be nice nice. she didnt have to be super cordial or emotionally intelligent or mature. she just had to write ONE EMAIL and she couldnt even do that.

of COURSHE it was SHOCKING because even though the Signals said our Rel was On the Outs and we were Ending,  i simpyl thought she cared more about me as a person than to do that to me. maybe she DID. but she sure didnt SHOW it.

got in 9 miles on treadmill yesterday, it was awwwwwright. goosh goosh hahahahaha. i listened to a bunch of MOONMAN and it was awesome. the mother fookin racist n199er killin moon hahahaha. using n199er babies as fleshlights, twistin there heads off hahahaha. moonman is just what i need right now and i thank GOD for him. or for the 4chan / 8 chan guys who “repurposed” him from a mcdonalds mascot into a hilariously racist rapper hahahaha.

IMHO, and not all would agree, I would like to see moonman as more of a general neoreactionary, and direct more of his ire towards j00s and marxists and mudslimes and leftists and be very tuned into current events (although he already is) and maybe be adopted by like TRS (the right stuff) or even THA WOES.

while also promoting traditional values and nuclear families, and not adopting the degenerate sex practices of the culture he is mocking hahahaha. cant have it both ways moonman. its enough that you are rapping hahahaha.

but yeah. i knew she was mad or scared or annoyed or distant or hated me at that time…………..but i didnt think she was SO DONE with me that she COULDNT WRITE ME ONE EMAIL.


What else can I do? KEEP begging her to respond? because Im still in luv with her, yes, thats what i want to do.


she doesnt have to suffer through that drawn out process! because she wasnt in luv with me!

if she was, then she would have been WILLING TO WRITE AT LEAST ONE EMAIL TO ME!!!!!!!!

i wonder how long it takes HER to have S with guys. PROBABLY NOT LONG, NOW.

with a real fly by night, jaded, un-innocent attitude like that, its IMPOSSIBLE to get that PROTECTIVE feeling you get for women you truly luv.

it shows them as being DESTRUCTIVE and RISKY and a BAD INVESTMENT and DISLOYAL and UNLOVING and UNLOVABLE hahahahaha.

dykes in the ikea commercial with their cutesy takeout at home drawer, phaggots in the campbells soup commercial for star wars soup, and the poor kid with 2 phaggot fathers has them both saying luke i am your father WOW now that actually shocked me hahahahaha.

although i do think two gay fathers would probably be better than a bad single mother, or two straight parents who hate each other and shouldnt be parents. cuz gays are usually successful professionals who can make sure their kids become successful professionals too and not loser layabout neets like us hahahahaha.

i mean i wouldnt have a problem with gay parents who otherwise act like traditional nuclear parents.

its gonna make women go out and cuck their boyfrans, it encourages female disloyalty hahahahaha.

i mean i used to have gay male friends, i got along with gay men all right and they were ok with me not being gay for them. maybe i even liked the attention, that hey SOMEBODY finds me desirable and is being Fun and Flirty with me! this must be what an Alpha Male feels like when Women are Fun and Flirty and Friendly and Open to him hahahaha.

at the end of the day, its the women not men who bother me with their weirdness and degeneracy:

  1. they have sex too soon and too easily, indicating no proper respect or knowledge of what their own bodies can do
  2. they lose interest too easily and are “monkey branching” to another man, always have one foot out the door, classic hypergamy leading them to get bored with you and withdraw a once-present interest, which is really crushing
  3. general disloyalty, infidelity, untrustworthiness. you cant trust em. do they love you, or will they disappear forever one day without warning, without willing to work on the relationship?

its hard to like, love, or respect people who act like this! whyidontlikewomen.txt


well arent men hypergamous too? they always want a younger, fresher, more fertile, better woman?

NOT AS MUCH AS WOMEN, I claim. maybe i’m just wrong about that becuase i’m USED TO rejection from women, so i don’t like women and have become prejudiced against them. yeah definitely a little!

so in other words, maybe women ARENT more hypergamous than men, it just SEEMS like it to ME, becuase women have always rejected me for being a weak omega hahahaha.

i found a long womans hair on my clothes recently and i thought oh god i hope its not from THAT PERSON, because i remember distinctly back in the day how painful it was when a woman dumped me and then in the future i found one of her hairs somewhere, left months ago when she was cuddling or more with me.

then i realized it COULDNT be that persons hair because i never even cuddled with her and never got physically close enough to her to have one of her hairs fall on my clothes. it was just some random woman hair i picked up at some random public place, possibly the fatness gym.

comment on this vidya :: ” Listener 18 hours ago
James Howard Kunstler speaks of the creation of the suburbs are the greatest misallocation of resources in history, and that may be true in a material sense. But I think an equally great misallocation is what the modern West does with its young women. A young blond girl should not be serving immigrants in McDonalds. She should be serving her husband and children in her home. There is perhaps no greater evidence of a lack of solidarity than this, that our young women, upon whom our future existence depends, are allowed to waste their youth in frivolous pursuits, destroy their bodies with piercings, tattoos, and obesity, and associate with and even have children with the least desirable elements of society. No society that would tolerate this deserves to exist.  ”

NOICE hahahahaha

well i would clarify that we do deserve to exist, but god damn we need to stop encouraging such destructive horrible degenerate behavior in OUR young women!!!!!!!!!!

someone else linked to this blog

where an american teaching english in korea complains abotu how degenerate and horrible korea is, just a terrible culture. hehehehe like 10 years ago i had signed up for a company to teach english in korea, glad i decided not to follow through hahahaha. i wouldnt have the guts. he has the guts and his patience is wearing very thin. he needs to get out!

yeah sounds like a shitty culture where everyone hates and abuses everyone else, there is no solidarity or community or luv, not even religion or class or race for gods sakes! and everyone beats their wives and children and is an alcoholic and kills themselves hehehe.

and they eat their young and are all crabs in a bucket and human centipede and eating shit and giving shit and have no honor and all they do is lie cheat and steal, and they like fooking children because theyre monsters.

this is all leading from THA WOES arguing with a “Korean Dandy” in the above video and then the comments talk about how the Korean Psyche is godawful.

a girl giving it up to YOU easily is reason not to trust her, is reason to make you uneasy. happy in the short term but unhappy past that.

this is partially why i am not comfortable With Sex. cuz the only chances i got to do it, was with women i barely knew, who barely knew me, and i am much more comfortable with Going Slow, and women should want to go even more slow, but theyve been Sped Up by Marxism, and if you arent willing to go their speed, you’re not getting S at ALL. and i wasnt willing to be a virgin forever. so i sucked it up hahahaha grinned and beared it with the beautiful teenage slut hahahahahaha and im kinda glad i did because after i became an older adult, i never got the chance again. so i practically still am a V hahahaha. i only had secs with 1 gurl, 2 times, and thats all folks hahahaha. i had a chance with 1 other gurl but i wanted to “take it slow” with her. then she dumped me soon after and i regret not banging her when i had the 1 chance.  the end.

but yeah i should really do my own moon man raps where i encourage serious neoreaction stuff. thats the thing. there are many different people involved in moonman, there is really no barrier to entry, anyone can do a moonman rap, and i am SURE some “nRx” (neoreaction) types have taken notice, the way he blatantly calls out social justice warriors and feminists and his supporters prob intersect a lot with /pol.

and i agree that ridiculous over the top shock value (eg “k1lling n199ers”)  is a core part of his identity. but that need not be mutually exclusive with wholesome traditional reactionary morals like faith, family, and folk hahahahaha. blood and soil and honor hahahaha.

also song parodies are becoming more and more popular with the nRx so that is kewl. moonman is similar but different. he does some parodies based off of well known rap songs but i would say it is more about getting his moonman message across.

sigggghhhhh. seemingly mundane things were special to me, just spending time with her, going to fooking wendys and sitting in the car talking, and her sharing things with me. this is when i know she cared about me. and of course at the end she couldnt even write one goddamn email to talk abotu her decision to remove me from her life.

she used to be able to communicate with me! talk about her feelings!

i listend to this marriage 2.0 tedx talk by a lmft where they talked back to several popular “myths” such as “never go to bed angry”, “be prepared to compromise”, “it takes two.” no she said it takes ONE, you need to change you attitude and your expectations and what you want.

yeah right. i am gonna change my expectations to i expect my wife to be a cold loveless bitch to me and then i will be happy when she is a cold loveless bitch. the person did not explain the tedx talk very well.

well she did not encourage cucking which i thought she was and was the reason i listened to it.

like, make your wife haaaaaaaaappy by saying ok darling when she wants to go fook other men.

so yeah the talk did not make much sense. course nothing makes much sense to me hahaha.




yesterday i felt some shame again, like damn i really WAS unbearable, why didnt i just come out and SAY it. thats why she was so mad at me. i really WAS acting super WEIRD. I kept telling her how worried i was abotu our “friendship” and desperately begging to get along like we did back in the good old days, etc. getting SUPER happy when she woudl talk to me for more than 5 minutes. definitely putting her on a pedestal. huge pedestal. how are you supposed to respond to that?

well, you dont HAVE to be so cruel and mean for one. could COULD be nicer and write an email. or said WE NEED TO TALK. or said why are you being so weird. then i would either say becuase i like you, or because i am worried about our “friendship”, to which she would say she’s just having some tough times, but needs some space, and we will hang out someday, and someday never comes, and i say i am there for you if you need me, i will try to give you space, but i miss you and want to hang out with you, etc.

if i were EVER to contact her, the root cause would ALWAYS be, i want another chance, i want to make it work.

anyway she just couldnt HANDLE me being so ridiculous, no WONDER she didnt want to talk to me.

so i was being ridiculous at that time. i just wish she had been nicer and taken into context that we had been friends for 2+ years, i wasnt just some randome weirdo being weird, i was a long term friend who was turning weird, and i wish she had taken into account our long term friendship and been more forgiving to me for being weird, and also realized that getting feelings naturally makes you weird.

got 8 miles yesterday at the fat gym, might have to bring it up to 9 hahahaha.

could we go back to being just friends? absolutely NOT, becuase i will always want her, wanting to be with her will always be the Root Motive for everything. i want her to apologize to me BECAUSE I want to be with her.

i couldnt stand being :just friends” with her cuz it would essentially be the same situation. she would fook other guys, want me to stop liking her, etc. it would just be BAD. this is when you need to remove someone from your life. she certainly removed me from her life! but some sort of clarifying statement at that time would have been nice.

she removed ME.

she blocked ME from facebook, meaning she didnt want me contacting her.

she prob blocked my phone from her phone.

dont know if she filtered out my email. or just deleted it as she saw them. or read them. or opened them, saw how long they were, and deleted them without really reading them.

so yeah she threw ME away, therefore, if she wants to talk to me again, SHE’s gotta be the one to initiate it.

plenty of dumpers reinitiate contact just to get attention or god only knows. she has not. i fight the urge to contact her every day.

so yeah i am ashamed for being so weird and beating around the damn bush. she probably thought i was being a disingenuous, dishonest, niceguy sleazebag by claiming to be “worried about our friendship.” but i really was. but i did have “ulterior motives” too. but i didnt feel the ulterior motives were sleazy or bad. i luved her in a very classic disney sort of way. the type of thing that changes a man, makes him want to commit to one woman, have babies with her, etc. rather than some shotgun marriage or arranged marriage. but where you have REAL feelings like the damn poets and songwriters talk about.

the motives maybe seemed ulterior to her but they werent sinister in the least.

well i had been hinting and signaling for months. theoretically she could have said “do you like me or something? you have been acting weird for months like you like me or something.” although the onus was on me to do that.

listen. look. if she had ANY feelings during this time for me, she would have been RECEPTIVE. she was the ANTITHESIS of receptive at all. she was rejective hahaha. but she would have seen the signals of my feelings and HELPED me. been like i can see you seem to be trying to tell me something, lets talk about it. a bit of handholding if you will. not everybody is gonna hold your hand but if theres anyone you could ask to do it it would be your friends.

yeah i was overbearing and ridiculous but…..i couldnt see myself acting much differently given the situation. well…..what if i had blurted it out. of course thats what i hsould have done.

but yeah i handled everything like an idiot. but i was not trying to DECEIVE her, let alone ABUSE or hurt her!

but when i feel ashamed, then I want to apologize!!!! for being stupid and overbearing and making her uncomfortable and making her hate me.

but i think she needs to apologize to me too, for throwing me away and having no sympathy or understanding for me.

well every time i talked to her i apologized for being weird. but that in and of itself was WEIRD.

just every day i want to hear from her, open up my email and see an emial from her.


to that person,

i’m sorry i was so overbearing and stupid and weird. I should have just told you I had feelings for you earlier, rather than being all weird and cowardly about it. I know it annoyed you a lot and made you hate me, and pushed you away from me. I wish it hadnt annoyed you that much and we could have just talked or emailed about it though. i know it was a horrible time for everything, with all you were going through in your life. but i couldnt bottle it up any more.  i never meant to deceive you. i never meant to hurt you. i was trying to send you signals that my feelings had changed. i was trying to hang out with you so we could talk about this. i didnt really know how to communicate my feelings to you otherwise. i couldnt think straight at work and i didnt want to talk about it over work chat, or in the parking lot.

i should have clarified all this by saying, we need to talk, and i dont want to talk at work, can we either meet in person, or talk on the phone, or emails, and please respond to the email with a longish email of your own. i know you couldnt read my mind. but i cant read your mind either. i thought we were going to hang out some day so thats why i didnt tell you everything earlier.

i still dont think getting feelings for you was inherently bad or wrong so i will never apologize for that. we were good friends for a long time and for a number of complicated reasons which i have tried to explain, i did not get feelings until 2 years into our friendship. it was not the greatest timing but thats how it happened.

im sorry i was too cowardly to express myself clearly. i kept thinking we were eventually gonna hang out, and at that point, i wanted to talk about everything and get everything out in the open. i know i was too much too handle but i still am really really hurt by the way you ended it. i wish you could have talked to me or wrote me an email and sent me a final message rather than just avoiding me without saying a word. i think our friendship deserves a better ending than that. i know i was too much to handle but my intentions were never hurtful. my aim was true as the song goes.

i was ridiculous and awful, but i honestly beleive i was never abusive or hurtful. I might have seem deceptive but i never intended to deceive you. thats why i was giving so many weird signals, because i really wanted to talk about all this, i couldnt keep it bottled up, and the signals and the weirdness was like a boiling kettle blowing off steam. i had to let it out somehow and i let it off in a thoughtless and confused and cowardly and frightened way, like a confused animal.

when i get feelings for someone, it affects me and i dont behave perfectly. i get weird and awkward and confused and make mistakes. i wait for the perfect time to talk, even if it never comes. i act weird and get scared and cowardly. all this happened with me and you. when you turned away from me my heart was broken. i brought some of this on myself, but i dont think i brought all of it on myself. im sorry i didnt express myself well but i also was very very very hurt that you could not bring yourself to say ANYTHING to me. this was a really big deal for me and it hurts to lose you. obviously thats for the best considering you dont share my feelings. but I would really really really appreciate it f if you culd just tell me you dont share my feelings and try to make this hard time a little easier for me. have you ever gotten feelings for a friend before, who didnt return them? I will miss our friendship too. But in the end, I want to be more than friends. If you don’t return that feeling, then it’s best if we dont see each other. But I will always wish the best for you, and I want you to wish the best for me too, rather than hating me. I didn’t choose to get these feelings to hurt you.

but i would really really really really appreciate if you gave me some kind of decisive but cordial ending. like did you respect the friendship we had? even if you dont respect me now, we had a great friendship. And though I behaved in a cowardly and confused way, I dont think I deserved to be totally disrespected. Please try to see where I was coming from. I didnt want to hurt our friendship, but I also couldnt go on with the friendship the way it was, because i had stronger feelings for you and I could not hold them back. This is not an unheard of thing.

Anyway please talk to your family about it and please read these websites about the best way to end a relationship. and if you ever want to give a more than friends thing a try in the future, please get in contact with me.

I was wrong to be so cowardly in communicating my feelings to you but please talk to me. I don’t think I was that wrong to deserve this kind of punishment. I am really hurting and it feels like I’ve been thrown away by one of the most imporatnt people in my life. I understand wanting to end our relationship, because we each want different things out of it,  but please lets try to end it on better terms than this.


those were the kind of things i was saying in muh emails, which prob got automatically deleted hahahahaa. oh well.

i mean i can see myself possibly meeting other women…….but they wont be as GOOD as her. more slutty, older, just overall less desirable and lovable and i will not get feelings for them cuz its hard to get feelings for high number mercenary sluts.

heh. i wish there was a handbook or textbook for how i was supposed to feel about all this.  yeah it was my fault to be a coward, but overall i dont think it was THAT morally wrong, the way you can say BETRAYING somebody is morally wrong.

the thing is, it might be CONSTRUED as DECEPTION, and deception/deceit IS more morally wrong than cowardice, and could be seen as a kidn of betrayal.

so yeah i guess you can betray someone without intent. just like you can MURDER somebody without intent, they call it MANSLAUGHTER or accidental death. a horrible ACCIDENT.

so what could i do? promise to never ACCIDENTALLY betray her again? also, if she were not so closed to the IDEA of TALKING about Feelings… wouldnt have seemed so deceptive.

also i think deception is more like, pretending i didn’t feel the way i felt.

if anything, i was BLATANTLY acting the way i felt!!!!!!!!!!

why is he acting so WEIRD? hes acting like he LIKES me now!!!

because i DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so there was a shitload of accidents, and miscommunicaitons, misunderstandings. leading to her hating me.

  1. i want her to stop hating me
  2. i want her to  apologize to me
  3. i want to be with her (root motive hahaha)

so is it worth it to contact her to try to get her to stop hating me? to apologize to me? because we know what the root motive is. but i honestly just dont like like being hated for the wrong reasons!!!!



is a classic lead them to water stuation here. where the water was these emails explaining everything and begging for a response.

so if i did the accident, isnt it my responsibility to contact her and apologize?

BUT I ALREADY DID THAT!!!! but i did that near the beginning of everything. should i do it again now?

well we BOTH made mistakes and accidents.

see how i keep making MENTAL GYMNASTICS and RATIONALIZATIONS as to why i should contact her? its because i want her back in my life!

WHAT WOULD I SAY TO A BELOVED FRIEND WHO WAS GOING THRU THE SAME THING? I’d say, well damn this sucks man, i know EXACTLY what youre going through. But stop torturing yourself all the time! be nicer to yourself! come hang out with me and we will partake MJ and watch MOONMAN and I’ll hook you up with some sluts if you want and i’ll hook you up with a new job and help you get through this even though i know it will take a long time, and i wont tell you its time to get over this already, but i will tell you stop torturing yourself so much by blaming yourself and dreaming up reasons to contact her!!!!!!!!!


but then again, even people who are married and are in long term rels are HORRIBLE at communicating, and you think, damn, they could easily get through this argument if they JUST COMMUNICATED.

but you cant make someone want to communicate with you.

so should i check in with her every couple of months then?

do you think that will make it easier or harder to get over her hahahaha.


But does she want to be with me?

I dont know, she never said no hahahahaha.

no what she “said” was even WORSE than no. it was no with extreme prejudice and vengeance. it was a nightmare nuclear no.

but i still want to be with her.

but i can see how i need to get over her. because she doesnt want to be with me. and so if we were together, it would still end horribly with her dumping me!

but we would get to go out for a few months and have lots of secs and hours of cuddling first!!!!!!!! so its worth it!

heheh this is why women should not have secs OR cuddle OR date men they dont really like and just plan on dumping in a few weeks. its a cardinal sin to lead a guy on like that!

and i am a total sucker for getting led on! i was led on just by her saying “yep well hang out soon”.

women can lead me on accidentally and unwillingly, just like i can betray women accidentally and unwillignly!

but i would hate to be coerced or trapped or forced into a rel (by a Baby for example) with a woman I did not care for as much as I did for her!!!!!! the kind of luv i had for her is the stuff long term marriages and Solid Nuclear Families are built out of! it is the building block of good traditional decent K-selected white society!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

think about it! while im doing all these mental gymnastics: if she wanted to be with me, then she would be with me. she would be OPEN to TALKING about my feelings towards her. if she werent ready now she would say leave me alone for a 3 months and I will be in contact with you. I’ll contact you. i’ll write you an email every month describing how im feeling. ill respond to you when you say please respond. i dont hate you for having feelings for me. i understand that it is complicated and confusing and bad timing and that this is hard for you and i dont blame you or hate you for being a coward. i would be a coward too.


that is a good sentiment to end on. gonna try for 9 miles today.



welp had a bit of nyquil yesterday which makes my mind foggy which is good cuz it keeps me from thinking about THAT PERSON so much. still didnt sleep great tho.

she didnt have to HATE me that much! why would you HATE me that much for getting feelings? i could see getting a little annoyed or awkward, but not THAT much.

it’s On Her, the way she reacted and treated me. if i had a friend get feelings for me, i would have reacted and treated them MUCH DIFFERENTLY. i would have tried NOT to hurt them, and i wouldnt HATE them for their feelings.

you think they CHOSE this? you think they wouldnt TURN IT OFF IF THEY COULD? these feelings are causing them a WORLD OF PAIN! of COURSHE they would turn them off!!!!!!!

i was hoping she would contact me around thanksgiving but nothing yet hahahaha. OF COURSHE shes not going to contact me.

(i am finally studying the “bane meme” which revolves all around the ridiculous opening scene of dark knight rises and the exchange between bane and “CIA”, and how this turned into a  ridiculous meme of “baneposting”, with the CIA guy becoming kind of a side meme to that, and when people say this is stupid, others respond with “SOMEBODY GET THIS HOTHEAD OUTTA HERE” which is a line from a different scene in the movie not even involving bane.)

the movie was worth watching once, bane was the best part of it, and now i would just rather watch the bane scenes in light of this ridiculous meme, than watch the whole movie. these virgins will make a meme out of ANYTHING and I cant really explain why this one works, maybe because bane is a great character and a great performance by tom hardy.

honestly. she didnt NEED to be that mean, so when she WAS that mean, i automatically thought i DESERVED it. it must have been something i did. when in this case it speaks more about HER than about ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

but yeah i hate not being TOUGH. i would love to be more TOUGH. handle TOUGH situations in work, life, women. and not break down and give up like Nietzsches Last Man. Soft and weak and not at all tough. just a sheep/cattle worthy of fatting up and execution for the Strong Slavemasters.

yeah. some days it can be real hard to stop blaming myself and just believe that I DIDNT DESERVE THIS, and that she was out of line, that i did NOT bring this on myself.

maybe she SABOTAGES good rels.

maybe she PICKS (CHOOSES) the WRONG men.

she could have chosen me……..but i really would have been too GOOD for her.

she was with the one guy for 4 or 5 years, but i have no idea what that was like. he didnt cheat on her, but i get the sense he was cold and distant. but he stayed with her though. he could have just dumped her and never talked to her again hahahaha. well maybe he wasnt always cold and distant. but she seemed to be doing most of the work, to be more invested, just like i was way more invested in her than she was in me.

i dunno. i have just been never treated like this by someone i liked so much. i knew she didnt like like me, but i didnt think she would do THIS. even if it is the Logical COnclusion of Being Distant. you can be distant and still write an email.

you can be distant and still write a final email before cutting all ties.

i dont understand how so many people can Still Be Friends with people they dated. arent they angry about getting dumped and always scheming to get back together with them? and that person is a constant reminder of pain, of a Luv You cannot have, who does not want you? this must happen only in rels where the ending is Mutual. damn that must be nice!

i dunno i just hate getting older and still failing and failing. not even getting a LITTLE success. or when i do, it ALL goes away in the worst way. it was very nice to have a young nice decent female friend. hadnt been that close to a woman in years. and she was young, purty, and not a slut. NO SURPRISE then that i eventually got feelings for her! what IS surprising is i didnt get feelings SOONER, but i really think her long term rel helped keep those in check. but when that rel ended, all bets were off. so yeah me getting feelings is certainly not a BETRAYAL! she should understand that.

she used to be nice to me. she used to text ME. she used to ask to hang out with ME. she used to smile at ME. god damn it was so nice to have a female friend that did that. i am one of those men who feels a kind of CALLING to be with women. i have this primordial natural urge to be paired up with a woman.  not just any woman, but a woman i cared for.

i was worried that if she can do a 180 on me, so could any woman. but she didnt really do a 180. it was more like a 1. it was NOT super surprising given how distant she was being. it was also not surprising that i didnt want to believe that horrific reality, and that i believed her at face value when she kept saying we’ll hang out soon.

yeah so her saying that shit while acting extremely dstant was technically MIXED SIGNALS. i should have been smart enough to beleive what she DID not what she SAID, but being in LUV makes you do stupid things like quit your job hahahaha.

there is a this racist meme called moonman which takes a mcdonalds thing from the 90s and has turned into a moonman who makes extremely racist rap songs hahahaha and the kids on youtube love it, but the SJW fags keep SHUTTING IT DOWN, but moonman has such grassroots support that people keep him alive. this is great imho. people not afriad to be racist is making a comeback in 2015 (IN THE CURRENT YEAR hahahaha) and i this 2016 its gonna turn the tide and we will make definite progress against the pc police. simply because normal people just cant take this bullshit any more. youtube taking down moonman, soundcloud shutting down the daily shoah. the sleeping giant awakens hahahaha.

there is like 3 albums worth of racist songs that have popped up in the past 6 months. there is great shit HAPPENING out there and i cant even focus on it. this is the moment i have been waiting for, the racial awakening of the sleeping Goy! of course the paris attacks are part of it too.

oh god this moon man thing is GREAT, its too bad i have been so lost the past few months. oh noes i wish i had a nice female friend i could share memes with. i liked sending her pepes and funny pictures to make her laugh. i wanted to be there with her hanging out and make her laugh in person. nope. never happened. we used to hang out and then she stopped hanging out with me. what the fook.

its just fookin SO STUPID. shes a better person than that, she doesnt REALLY hate me that much, she doesnt KNOW WHAT SHES DOING, she is brainwashed or under some temporary Brain Fog and cant think straight, she is gonna be sorry she did this………this is my rationale for wanting to contact her.

but again she can contact me. the ball has never been in her court more. she dumped ME. she cut ME off. she wronged ME. she went off on ME. so its OBVIOUSLY her responsibility to contact ME if she ever wants to express remorse for what she did to ME, not ME to keep checking up on her every few months saying “hi there, ready to be friends again yet? ready to apologize yet?” COME ON.

but basically i dont need to worry about a woman ever doing this to me again, because i will be closely attuned to the WARNING SIGNS: basically, the woman being distant as hell for months. Then i will boldly say why u being so distant? because i keep trying to hang out with you but you keep blowing me off like a piece of shit? why do you keep blowing me off? because im weird. im weird because you are really fooking killing me! WE NEED TO TALK!!!!!! i have feelings for you. the end. take it or leave it but i cant take any more of this distant and never hanging out bullshit. i like you and want to be with you, now respond to THAT.


yeah its worse than a death (have i said this yet) because you are saying you are important to me and i want you in my life! and they are saying fook you, you are not important to me, i don’t want you in my life at all, im done with you. they are choosing to be done with you becuase you are bad for them. this is not what happens when someone leaves your life thru death.

st petersburg was once known as petrograd and leningrad; however STALINgrad is not this city at ALL, stalingrad is now known as volgograd and is way south of moscow, on volga river, between ukraine and kazakhstan, and was the site of a big loss for germany/axis in ww2 who advanced on stalingrad and got destroyed. unfrotuantely hahahahahahahahaha

its kinda like the love of your life is taken away from you far too soon by a sudden car crash or something. except theyre not dying, they’re just choosing to throw you away.

google thrown away by wife

well alot of the time, its men being shitty and throwing their wives away

has a born again religious aspect tho hahaha

google i feel thrown away

great article here/

”  The main reason rejection hurts is because is it a value issue. When we are rejected we feel like what we had to offer as a person has been studied, appraised and rejected as invaluable. This, in turn, can cause us to feel a variety of unpleasant emotions from anger, wrath, revengeful thinking, confusion, sadness and grief. It can leave us wondering what we did wrong, what we could have done to be better and a host of other unanswerable questions. It can also cause us to question our own self-worth, and in most cases…leave our self-esteem in tatters.   ”

all she had to do to not “THROW ME AWAY” was have some kind of communication with me about ending the rel. i knew ending the rel was very probable. when i wrote to her i said i kind of feel as if i have been thrown away, i know this is not your intention, but please respond so i dont feel thrown away so much. no response hahaha.

help me moonman hahahaha

oh god bless you moonman i think i found my next favorite meme next to pepe hahaha

people dealing with BORDERLINE spouses yikes. i dont think that person was borderline tho hahaha she just treated me like garbage, everyone else she is a SAINT to, and they cant beleive she was mean to me, well then i MUST deserve it.

she wasnt that selfish! she seemed super unselfish! i liked that about her! she didnt show those red flags of me me me me me.

letting go of lost love

i like this reydon stanford. terrible website design though. get a youtube channel buddy.

yes i have. it was/is devastating and ruined my year hahahahaha and my life. i am really not resilient and tough enough to handle this right now.

romania and croatia fought on the side of the evil nazis in ww2.

switching back to tea. even weak ass coffee makes my “stomach hurt” ie makes me poop so much my bum hurts.

” Convincing people to “work” on relationships when their instincts tell them to leave is the hallmark of abusers. ” terrible comment on

welp looks like im an abuser then. cuz i was opposed to her Just Leave Instincts. because i wanted to talk and work on it. id like to see THIS person get thrown away. they sound like a textbook thrower awayer hahahaha.

well i think they mean is it a pattern. are they abusing you and telling you not to leave. i was not abusing her, i was just begging her to talk to me and not leave! i was begging her to just write me an email and not throw me away without one email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

google good jobs for depressed people

google good jobs for losers

when i look at job postings i either think this job sucks even worse than the one i had, or, this job is obv wayyyyyyy above my pay grade, or both! and then i get lonely and despairing and wish i had a nice female friend who cared about me like she did at one time wawawawawaawawawawawa

probably the best thing would be really to focus my efforts on getting a temp job first so i can Build COnfidence.

she didnt care that i didnt have a great job!!!!!

she went out with guys who didnt have great jobs!!!!!!!

wawawawawawaw she was the perfect woman for me and now she is gone and i will never find a better woman and she got rid of me in the worst possible way wawaawawawaaw

why couldnt she have just written me an email? i dunno. cuz shes fooked up.

should i contact her asking for her to write me an email? OF COURSHE NOT, i already did that remember? and she never responded.

continuing to beg somebody please respond, please apologize to me…… just looks like a shitty situation……because it really is. i mean if you have to explain that to yourself – why breaking no contact to ASK(beg) somebody for an apology you deserve is not going to get you anywhere – then you are obviously still, like me, in the woods of misery and desperate delusion and denial hahahaha.

But at the end of the day, I still lost someone who was very important to me, in a very painful way that is worse than death. that’s really all the explanation that is needed. of COURSHE its going to take a LONG time to get over.

TIL Kant was born and died in Konigsberg Prussia which is today Kaliningrad Russia which is a Russian Exclave on the baltic sea, between poland and lithuania.

i am more autistically interested in the geography and purely looking at maps than about kant per se. although i am interested in the history and geopolitical forces that created these borders and nations and who controlled what when. like for example the ottoman empire and when they temporarily controlled areas of europe, like hungary and ukraine and built mosques there. well, i dont know about ukraine, but definitely hungary for at least 50-100 years. did the turks mix with hungarians? the turks definitely seem to have mixed wiht albanians. what about bosnians? aren’t bosnians white? but they are muslim?!?!?!! white muslims in the balkans?!?!?! i blame the ottoman turks hahahaha.

or ethnicities that exist but dont really have their own country, like kurds or chechens or abkhaz hahaha.

oh GOD BLESS U MOONMAN, this might even overtake Pepe for meme of the year 2015.

so good, so gooooood, this is exactly what i need at this difficult time in my life. MOONMAN.

Moonman seems to be more antiblack than antijewish, but that’s ok. i am sure moonman could learn to hate j00s too. and kebabz hahahaha. muzzies.

this is the type of thing i want to share with muh closest friends. if i hadnt become Isolated from everyone while I became overly attached to HER, now SHE’s gone, i wish she were here so I could share this DANK MAYMAY with her, and she might even like it wawawaawawawawawawawaw

at least two “competing” moonman boards on 8chan.



This illustrates the idiom that if you wrestle with a pig, you both get covered in mud, but the pig enjoys it.

heheheh reading a comment on the argument between laurie penny and david starkey

all i know is that laurie penny is a Hip Millennial Feminist Journalist SJW who is the new voice of fourth wave millennial feminism and encourages women to fight the patriarchy through non capitalist means.

who i only know because MUH LADDIE MW talks about her sometimes and says he kinda wants to bang her and commenters poke Loving Fun at him because of that. well i can also understand the desire to bang sex-positive (slut) SJW feminists so long as they are somewhat cute. penny should be cuter but i am desperate enough that i would give her 1 bang. she is better looking than lena dunham at least……but thats not saying much.

yesterday was rough, was thinking about that person all day.  mainly that i betrayed her. i was the bad guy. it was my fault. i was to blame. because i betrayed her. i dont think i betrayed her, but i betrayed her anyway. unwillingly, unconsciously.

so…..i betrayed her by liking her, or by Not Telling Her?

well i DID ultimately tell her. just not right away.

but i DID start sending signals right away.

she noticed the signals because she responded by pulling away.

but did she know what the signals MEANT? i dont know.

i would feel better if she felt betrayed simply by me liking her, because……i couldnt do anything about that. you cant choose who you like.

or did she feel betrayed by me not telling her? because THAT, unlike the previous, i DID have CONTROL over, so it would be more my fault.

yeah well couldnt she see i was going crazy? i was not intentionally trying to hide something from her! i was intentionally trying to tell her something that she was not open to hearing at all! she made it very difficult to have a damn conversation with her, so the best i could do was signals!

it might be more of a “betrayal” if i refused to give signals! but i couldnt not give signals! bottling this up was driving me crazy and causing tension!

so it was more of my responsibility of me to say “WE NEED TO TALK” than it was her responsibility to say “you are being all weird, do you want to talk about something?”

i mean what could i say? i promise to never bottle something important up for months?

why cant she promise to hang out with me when i want to hang out for months and months?

because i was being weird. she wouldnt hang otu with me because i was being weird, and i was being weird because she wouldnt hang out with me. it always leads back to a goddamn vicious circle.

also i came to her and apologized profusely, im sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy i didnt tell you earlier, i was trying to, it was causing me a lot of stress, it was making me act weird and you noticed that. i WANTED to tell you! yes i SHOULD have told you earlier.

but she never really apologized to me and, well maybe a teensy bit she did, but she STILL didnt want to make an effort to talk or work on things.


i dunno. all our talking was done via facebook message, and texting, and instant message chatting. why couldnt we just meet one on one like we used to?

well i think once or twice she said sorry for being so distant, cuz she did have some family stuff. i said i would be there to support her with that, and that i hate pushing her to hang out, but i miss you. and she said we will hang out soon.

thats kinda the main reason i never Blurted It Out, because i was delusional that we would hang out soon!

heh. now i wish i hadnt deleted all those chats from the job. cuz i cant remember what happened anymore, i dont know whats real and what im imagining.

i had a dream where i was cuddling a woman that was NOT HER. i took that as a victory!

well, not really cuddling, but close to cuddling. she was sitting close to me and was being warm and friendly to me. good sign.

well shit. i am SORRY. yeah i should have just wrote her more emails when she was still talking to me. i couldnt hang out with her because of stuff with her family. so that automatically makes me the bad guy. but i know she hung out with other people during that time! she was just blowing me off cuz i was on the outs.

i dunno. i just wish she could have been more understanding of me, and nicer to me, and not hated me for liking her, and agreed to hang out with me even once, or replied to my emails even once. i am in a damn phase where i want to contact her again but i know i shouldnt, its been like 100 days.

yes i apologized to her for being insensitive to her family thing.

but she thought these were Just Words. but maybe they were!

well i was genuinely concerned about her family, but i was also genuinely concerned about our relship failing and that things were getting worse between us.

but it was my fault things were getting worse, because i wasnt telling the full story about my feelings.

i was mad at her for onyl giving signals but i was only giving signals too.

well what i needed to say took a lot of courage and i wanted to say it in person. she told me we would hang out soon and i was foolish enough to believe her, even when we hadnt hung out in months.

this is when it gets really fuzzy and confusing and circular.

well……you think if she had ANY feelings towards me, it would have worked out like this? fook no! she would have said yes lets hang out so we can talk; or she would have said youre sending me signals like you like me, is this true, because i might like you too. or when i disappeared from the job she would have responded to me. or when i wrote 4 huge emails she would have responded to me. or that she would have been “WARMER” to me instead of colder. i was weird warm, she was weird cold. if she liked me, maybe she would have been weird warm. she probably wouldnt have been cold like she was.

so, in short, she totally didnt return the feelings, she might be misunderstanding on me “BETRAYING” her, but shes not misunderstood on not liking me back, if she liked me, she would have been WARM and OPEN, rather than COLD and CLOSED.

SHIT. if she was WILLING to not get out of the relship, she would have been warm and open and willing to talk and communicate. she would have said we need to talk, or lets hang out (becuase i want to talk.) and i would have said hell yeah lets do that ASAP.


ive never BEEN in this situation. where i begged somebody to respond and they never responded.

so yeah maybe she’s NOT the best person for me…..but i cant see myself getting feelings like that for anyone else. or for things to be as good as it was with her when things were good between me and her and she actually cared about me.

I was like the cowardly lion: kind but cowardly. she was like the wicked witch: coulda been a wee bet kinder.

actually if she was like the cowardly lion it would have been ok: cuz she was kinda cowardly too, just cowardly and mean. if she was cowardly and kind, like me, she prob would have been more willing and open and more likely to respond to a damn email.

slow to anger, quick to kindness hahahahaha. wouldnt automatically assume i was BETRAYING her. maybe read the situation differently. situational awareness, emotional intelligence hahaha. she would say, i bet this is hard for him too. why dont i listen to him and what he has to say. WE SHOULD PROBABLY NOT TALK ABOUT THIS AT WORK. maybe next time he asks me to hang out i will say yes, or if i can’t, i will say, well i cant hang out this day, but lets plan for this day instead. and then stick to it. and then see how he acts. see if it looks like he wants to tell me something, or is trying to make out with me lol

or when he sends me an emotional email saying we need to communicate, i feel like i am losing you, i can respond to it and say yes lets communicate. lets get away from this stressful work environment and go somewhere peaceful and quiet where we can really talk for a while. a restaurant, one of our houses, a park. but not in this god damn office. somewhere away from here. yes i want to figure this out too. lets get to the bottom of this. theres some kind of elephant in the room here.

sheeeit. when my male friend wanted to talk to me about what had happened he invited me to his house and we had a good solid talk for 90 minutes, a nice solid heart to heart talk where i explained everything, he shared some personal things with me, i shared some personal things with him. he actually “blew me off” once because he got sick, but then we set a date after that and made it happen. i knew he wanted to talk and i wanted to talk too.

she didnt want to talk, she just wanted me out of her life, or to stop being weird. well i couldnt just turn off the feelings i had. IF I COULD, I WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!! and saved myself all this misery and devastation!!!!!!

did a 5 miler, it was nice outside. couldnt even listen to anything, was busy ruminating ie barrelling right through the middle of the pain like a rogue elephant. like a white gorilla.

i determined that i couldnt have betrayed her. because me getting feelings is not really betrayal.

betrayal is when you do something and think boy if she found out about this shitty hurtful thing she would be mad and hurt!

loving someone is not betraying them. it might be betraying your wife or whatever if you have one, but i certainly didnt, dont.

yeah i could have told her earlier, but she also could have been a LOT NICER.


i didnt expect a nice person like her to be so not nice to me when the rel ended.

i guess it wasnt THAT unexpected if i looked at the signs: she was getting ever more distant, so the LOGICAL CONCLUSION there is that she just cuts all ties. gets ever further distant.

but she might be the type of woe is me, blame the world type of professional victim. so she had to make me the boogeyman, scapegoat, bad guy: get mad at me and blame me.

which was a DOUBLE WHAMMY for me, because when someone gets mad at me, i say, im sorry, i didnt mean to disappoint you, please please forgive me, i will take all the blame.

i have no hesitation in admitting when im wrong………in fact, i will admit im wrong even when im not!!!!!!!!!! like in this case! i flip flop from being angry and disappointed in her, to blaming myself for pushing her away.


but yeah when someone makes me the bad guy, esp somebody i Luv, thats double whammy for me, cuz i fooking BELIEVE them and feel horrible.

so whyd she make me the bad guy?

cuz it was convenient. expedient. EASY. EASY WAY OUT.

so when she saw me acting weird, it was WAY EASIER to BLAME ME as a weird bad guy than to think hes acting weird becuase he likes me and GOD FORBID WE TALK ABOUT IT, that would be AWKWARRRRRRDDDDDDD. god forbid they do anything awkward towards Healing A Broken Relationship.


yeah i just thought she cared about me more. she used to really care about me. i liked being cared for by her. i liked being a special person to her. then that totally got turned off. she was not willing to talk, not willing to not throw me away, not willing to end the rel cordially, etc.

i dunno. i kinda want HER to go through some pain because i have gone through a WORLD of pain. im not gonna cause the pain for her of course. i just want her to feel pain at the loss of an important relationship to her. i want to matter to her and be important to her and so she is sad when i am gone.

but yeah EVERYTHING was too one sided. i was the only one with feelings, i was the only one who wanted to talk, wanted to try, wanted to communicate, wanted to end things cordially, only one who got hurt, only one who has trouble getting over it.

wawawawawawaw i wanted to be more important to her, that it would take her a while to get over me, but she’s already forgotten about me like she was some common whore and Our Special Rel never even happened wawawawawaw

its like shit we were once close, and now we are DONE, and i am hurting and miss you, i wish you could hurt a little and miss me too! and that would make you want to say sorry for hurting me so much hahaahha

i took at half dose of nyquil, o great.

yeah jsut feel that life is too much to deal with, cant do jobs, cant get women.




yeah its just a bad ending.

she refused to work on it, refused to compromise, refused to fooking TALK.

when someone goes from liking you (at least as a person), to HATING you and just throwing you away like a subhuman, and you think they could never do that to a person, least of all you!

i hurt you with a mere -1! dont hurt me with a huge -20!!!!!!!

part of a rel ending is that they try to WORK on it before calling it quits. that really bothered me that she was not even willing to try to work on it.

ok, so she cant force herself to have feelings for me, that wasnt something she could TRY at, but we could still “work on it” in terms to trying to end it like adults, she says her thing, i say my thing, and we make sure we both understand each other fully. rather than me pouring myself out to her and her saying nothing and flushing me away.

well yesterday was kinda rough hahahaha. today seems better. no stupid dreams about her.

i SHOULD be a lot more angry at her. but i still remember her as this gentle kind person i love(d). yet she showed no mercy to me and my heart and me as a person. its amazing i dont hate her fooking guts. maybe that will come in time.

was i so unreasonable for wanting a talk?

no i dont think so.

but maybe i am unreasonable in thinking a talk would make things so much better.

well i think it would be faster to move on, i would go faster towards Hating Her, and it would give the certainty, like yeah she said this and means it. but she did that in a way anyway.

i guess a talk would have been easier to believe? more concrete, more real? what happened here still does not seem real. so therefore i can compartmentalise and delude myself and act like that nice gurl is still there, and this is the work of someone who doesnt know what theyre doing, and therefore they could change their mind, therefore there is still hope.

but still. i think if we had tried to work things out or tried to communicate, and then i saw that didnt work, maybe i would gradually become disillusioned with the rel, as she did, meaning i would want it to be over too, because we tried to fix it, sort of, but her heart was not fully in it, she was not committed to the fix, and then i would fall out of luv with her hahahaha yeah right.

no i would be the one committed to fixing it, she would unenthusiastically talk to me and go through the motions, the process would repeat itself and she would show her obvious lack of committment until i dumped her or she dumped me. prob the latter. because i never want to give up on somebody i luv. but she didnt luv me as much,, or at all, so, easier for her to dump.

but back in the day, she was so nice to me, i kinda thought she might LIKE me. that was probably just Feminine Niceness, but god damn it was nice. its a lot better that Feminine Coldness, which is a total 180 from the Feminine Niceness.

i mean she thinks i BETRAYED her and thats why she hates me. well shes WRONG! i didnt BETRAY her! she hates me for the wrong reasons! so thats why i constantly think if i could just contact her and make her understand why she’s WRONG, maybe then she wouldnt hate me. maybe then she could luv me hahahahaha. i mean maybe i could get her to stop hating me (not likely, she has to make that decision herself), but no way could i make her luv me!

but i still desperately hope she will change her mind.

but she’s so WRONG to HATE me! i didnt do anything worth hating! she’s WRONNNGGGGG! she has a wrong perception of the whole thing! im not trying to change her FEELINGS, im trying to change her PERCEPTION!!!!!

show me a little care and comfort and concern. all the gurls who dumped me did that, if only to cover their own ass, to not feel guilty, to say they dumped me the best they could. nobody wants to feel HATED. besides what if i were a  psycho hahahaha.

funny now i get dumped AND i feel like i am HATED. terrible feels!

is it just because shes inexperienced in dumping guys? and the only way shes ever dumped guys is when theyve wronged her and she dumps them with extreme prejudice? so even though i didnt deserve it, thats what i got, becuase shes not EXPERIENCED enough to know any better?

hahahaha well she has thousands of hours of cuddling and secs that i dont!

well dumping and thousands of hours of cuddling are 2 different things hahaha.

WELL, i would argue they;re RELATED, thru COMMUNICATION. when you spend THOUSANDS of hours cuddling with them, you SHOULD learn how to communicate with them on a deep level, to talk about important things, to speak openly and honestly, all things that will come in handy when you are trying to dump somebody without DESTROYING them.

well that guy she didnt DUMP. HE wanted out probably even more than she did!

still. DONT DEFEND HER, DONT MAKE EXCUSES for her. I know fully well how to dump someone properly even though I HAVE NEVER DONE IT. i know how just from BEING dumped, and from researching stuff on the internet, and being an EMPATH, and knowing that Dumping HURTS. so i bet i could dump somebody 90000000000000 times better than she dumped me. even though i have even LESS experience. AND no thousands of hours of cuddling either. i doubt i have 8 hours of cuddling hahahaha. and certainly not recent experience. not in the last 30% of my life hahahaha.

so she went from liking very much as a friend, to feeling betrayed, and hating me.

i went from liking as a friend, to like liking as more than a friend. and this is what caused her to feel betrayed by and hate me.

so we can clearly see she misinterpreted that, you shouldnt feel betrayed by that.

also my progression of feelings, from like to like like, was not too weird or horrible, but her progression of feelings, from liking to hating, uhhh that was kinda weird and horrible.

and it wasnt like i was just a passing acquaintance or fook buddy to her, i got the impression that i mattered a lot to her, and that we were Good Friends as opposed to just ok in passing friends.

i think she appreciated having a Good Friend, and I appreciated it too….so MUCH in fact, that my feelings got even stronger / higher. probably had to do with the fact that my Good Friend was also a Purty Young Gurl, who had recently become Single. but prob not Available hahahaha.

basically she reacted the worst way possible when finding out a male friend liked her. the absolute worst way possible. to get all butthurt and offended and mad and hateful and then react according to those feelings.

google female friend hates me for getting feelings for me

so she TRUSTED me as Just A Friend she could be SAFE around.

and i broke that TRUST. thats why she hates me.

well i didnt try to make out with her. i just wanted to talk to her about it! but i couldnt even HANG OUT with her!

yeah i should have sent her an email or text but god damn. i was sending signals that werent as blatant as forcing myself on her!!!

but she still feels i broke her TRUST. and thats a good reason to hate somebody.

she basically trusted me not to like her.

i dont think thats a reasonable trust!

well i did tell her a year prior to that that i wasnt secretly in luv with her. cuz i wasnt!

did i trust her not to like me?

not really, no! because i figured that anything can happen in man woman rels! that sometimes somebody can get feelings! and i wouldnt have hated her if she got feelings (before i did.) i CERTAINLY would have been willing to talk to her about it!

but its different for women. thats why men do not “friendzone” women. men are more threatening to women than women are to men, so thats why she TRUSTED me.

very similar situation hahahaha.

so shes cutting me off becuase she knows we cant be just friends any more, and i agree. but why not at least just tell me what you’re doing, send me some emails telling me how you feel, just like i sent you some emails telling you how i feel?

dumped by a friend for no reason. not really the same thing.

yeah i really think it was that trust issue thing. which is why i really wanted to TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.

well i should have done it a LOT SOONER. like as soon as it happened. as SOON as i was getting curious about this new boifran of hers, i should have asked her about him.

as SOON as i got feelings for her (or maybe giving it ONE WEEK, NO MORE, of thinking it over), i should have TOLD her. told her in an email because she didnt want to hang out. OR, said, i want to hang out because WE NEED TO TALK, I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT I WANT TO TELL YOU.

i dont think it would have made her luv me, but maybe she wouldnt hate me so much.

i am one of those ballless beta bitchtits bitchbois who really likes the idea of “MY WIFE IS MY BEST FRIEND” hahahahaha

this is from the women, who hopefulyl dumped the guy a little better

heres one from the guys perspective, prob more useful

well both are good threads, well worth reading.


i am a big ass coward but even i can still write and send emails. I sent FOUR emails, she responded to NONE of them.

yeah i could have been better about confessing muh luv but the truth eventually came out.

if i had liked her RIGHT AWAY i would have either stayed away from her or asked her to dump her boifrand.

i just never got “friendzoned” so hard, because i never got feelings for a female friend before!!!!!

but i AMMMMMMMM Emotionally Mature enough to know that you CANT BE JUST FRIENDS when one person likes the other! so that was NEVER my intent. im not THAT stupid and weak and deluded.

but it also doesnt follow that that friendship needs to end in a hateful horrible way. have a talk, say what you need to say, both people apologize, pay respects to the relationship, and both agree it cant go on as a one sided painfest.

but you dont need to Look Back in Anger, and hate, and etc.

google should I ask for an apology

well i would like an apology, but mainly i want to get together with her. but maybe i could get it to end better.

but do i really want to talk to her if she is not apologetic? not really.


but nope, not even that.

i know email3 at least, i directly spoke to the idea of betrayal. i made it clear that i was not hiding secret feelings from the beginning. i told the timeline of how and when i started to get feelings. i said my mind was made up in october. i said that i wanted to talk in person, not at work. i said yeah its bad timing. i said yeah i should have asked you directly about the new boifran. i said yeah i should have just sent you an email in january or february telling you everything. things had changed for me and i thought it would be dishonest not to tell you about that change. thats why things have been getting weirder and weirder here. i am not trying to manipulate or lie to you. we just havent had a good chance to talk in literally 10 months.

i said i can see how you might think this is a betrayal of trust. i never wanted to hide anything.  i said all this in the emails. still no response from her.

so its obvious theres nothign more i can do. i mean, i CAN contact her again, but i am very ambivalent about that.

so she feels BETRAYED.

well believe me i didnt like holding the truth back from her! i was TRYING to talk to her. but she wouldnt let me talk!

but is that even her responsibility though? to let me talk? but she was UNCOMFORTABLE!

she was uncomfortable because she KNEW something had changed! but she didnt want to talk about it.

yeah i SHOULD have told her sooner. (i said that in the email too of course.) i pussyfooted around for a few extra months. i think feb or march i should have told her.

but i kept hoping against hope we would hang out and we could have the conversation in person. and she SORT OF strung me along there cuz she said yeah we will hang out soon.

i dunno i just think i deserved an EMAIL at least.

so i went to kmart because they have a good everlast exercise shirt. they were all out of black xl short sleeved shirts. of course! so i bought the kmart brand instead. basically i am looking for something that wont blatantly look like its soaked with sweat when it is indeed soaked with sweat. this is kind of hard to do!

but yeah kmart is a good source of everlast shirts in other words. go to kmart.

i was just trying to tell her, i didnt betray you, i didnt betray you, but she didnt want to hear it. she was convinced i betrayed her. maybe i DID betray her. put myself in her shoes. she trusted me to not get feelings for her. i got feelings for her. i told her abotu a year before i got feelings, that i didnt have feelings for her. but at that time i was telling the truth! (i mentioned this in an email too!)

so maybe im deluding myself by saying no i didnt betray you because i didnt INTEND to, i didnt THINK i was betraying you. she still FELT betrayed.

well if i had a female friend who started to get feelings for me, i wouldnt feel BERAYED, i’d want to TALK TO HER ABOUT IT FIRST. and if she swore up and down that she didnt have feelngs, but then continued to act like she had feelings, then i might feel betrayed. no, not even. id say stop bullshitting me, stop kidding YOURSELF. of COURSE you have feelings for me. just tell me about it.

if she had done any of that to me i would have said YES YES YES i have feelings for you! i have been trying to tell you for MONTHS!

google how to convince someone that you didnt betray them when they wont talk to you


so if she THINKS i betrayed her, i betrayed her?!?!?!?!?!?! even if i didnt? did I?

take it to COURT, what does the evidence say?

google did i betray someone

google how do i know if i betrayed someone

was i living a lie? was i pretending i didnt like her? i was giving a constant stream of signals, it was like blowing off steam. the signals said that i had feelings. and indeed i did! here i was being HONEST!!!!!

its kind of like i feel “betrayed” by her flushing our whole rel down the toilet and hating me. I know it wasnt quite a betrayal, it was more of a misunderstanding, and very hurtful, but it wasnt a BETRAYAL. a BETRAYAL is someone LYING or HIDING or CHEATING.

HIDING was the closest i did, and i wasnt actively hiding it, i was trying to let it out, and gave plenty of signals because i didnt WANT to hide it, i didnt WANT to betray and be dishonest.

soooo i didnt “betray” her, i just hurt her then. hurt her a lot. just like she hurt me a lot, but didnt “BETRAY” me per se.

but she totally misunderstood it to be HURT by me LIKING her! I was more within my rights to be HURT by her hatefully dumping me without a word!!!!!!!!!! thats a lot more inherently HURTFUL than your friend getting feelings for you.

but maybe this is all on me because i cant REALIZE and ADMIT how much i hurt HER. hmmmm.

yeah well i hurt her -1, she hurt me -20. come on.

and yet i still want to talk to her, she doesnt want to talk to me. cuz she felt i hurt her -20?????

yeah this is a bigass falling out.

i dont think she ever had a situation like this. a male friend who fell in love with her, then begged her to communicate with him, and she had to dump him. this is all a first for her, just like its a first for me. yeah well even i would have handled it better cause i would have sent an email saying sorry i know this must hurt, but we can never get together. so sorry. have a good life, buh bye.

rather than I HATE U FOR GETTING FEELINGS FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all these articles are on how to deal with betrayal, not how to determine IF its betrayal or not.


” Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations. Often betrayal is the act of supporting a rival group, or it is a complete break from previously decided upon or presumed norms by one party from the others.

An act of betrayal creates a signature constellation of negative behaviours, thoughts, and feelings in both its victims and its perpetrators. The interactions are complex. The victims exhibit anger and confusion, and demand atonement from the perpetrator; who in turn may experience guilt or shame, and exhibit remorse. If, after the perpetrator has exhibited remorse or apologized, the victim continues to express anger, this may in turn cause the perpetrator to become defensive, and angry in turn. Acceptance of betrayal can be exhibited if victims forego the demands of atonement and retribution; but is only demonstrated if the victims do not continue to demand apologies, repeatedly remind the perpetrator or perpetrators of the original act, or ceaselessly review the incident over and over again.[2]

Some types of betrayal in romantic relationships include sexual infidelity, conditional commitment, a nonsexual affair, lying, forming a coalition against the partner, absenteeism or coldness, withdrawal of sexual interest, disrespect, unfairness, selfishness, and breaking promises.[4] ”

in some ways, its like we both betrayed each other!

i violated the PRESUMPTIVE trust that i would never have feelings for her.

well we never established that trust! i made one remark in the past that i didnt have feelings for her at that time.  and we never had a talk where she was like “i trust you not to get feelings for me, if you do, our friendship is over” to which i probably would have said, “welp i will let you know if i ever do. whats a good code word i could use. how about i will text you CANT CLOSE THE WOES and then you will know hahahahaha.”

i was bad at initiating conversation about important topics like that…………..but she was also bad at responding to initiations to communication!!!!!!!!!!

so we were BOTH bad communicators, but i think in the end, she was EVEN WORSE. she couldnt even write A FOOKING TEXT.

mah boy gottman has a BETRAYAL METRIC. love them metrics!!!!!

gottman is wearing a “yamaka” in some vidyas hahahahaha he WOULD





oh god check this out, this new text file i am writing. ideally you should print it out and have your gurlfran fill it out, like HOMEWORK:


created Nov 24 2015

you can actually print this out as a worksheet and give it to them to fill out.

How many guys have you had sex with?

How many guys have you had “just oral sex” with?

What’s the shortest about of time you ever knew a guy before having sex?

What’s the longest amount of time?

How many sex partners would you consider “short term” or casual?

Have you ever had an open relationship?

have you ever really broken somebodys heart?

how many hearts have you broken?

Did you ever abandon somebody completely, without a word? throw them away like a piece of garbage?

do you have a good relationship with your father?

with your mother?

do you have a good family life?

have you ever cheated on a boifran? how many boifrans? have you ever cheated on one guy with SEVERAL other guys?

have you ever had interracial sex?

with what races, and how many guys of each given race? please also specify if it was a serious long term relationship or not.

what is your view on casual sex? is it more good or more bad?

what is your view on abortion? more good or bad?

have you ever had an abortion, and if so, how many?

were you ever raped?

were you ever molested?

were you raped or molested as a child or teen?

when were you first raped?

by whom?

how many people have you been raped or molested by?

have you ever been diagnosed with bipolar or borderline?

have people accused you of being bipolar, borderline, or sociopath?

what would you do if a male friend started to get feelings for you?

do you avoid communication about awkward but important things?

do you ignore problems and hope they just go away?

if your male friend gave you signals that he was starting to like you, would you ignore it, or try to talk about it? would you throw him away without a word because you considered this a betrayal?

have you ever done drugs other than alcohol or MJ? describe.

have you ever taken “sexy” photos? with how many guys? how graphic were they? try to describe as many photos as you can, and what guys they were for. if you took 20 photos during sex with one guy, no need to describe them all, just say 20 photos of this one sex session; 50 photos of another sex session, etc.

have you ever gotten drunk and had sex with a guy you just met at a bar or club or party? how many guys?

do you have any tattoos? describe the planning and decision process behind each tattoo.

whats the worst three things you’ve ever done to another person?

have you every betrayed someone? describe the worst three betrayals youve committed.

have you ever had group sex? how many times and with how many people?

do you have any sex toys? do you regularly use them?

would you describe yourself as low medium or high sex drive?

have you ever had a slut phase? how long did it last? from what ages? how many guys did you have sex with during that time?

have you ever relapsed into a second or third or fourth slut phase after a few months or years of not being a slut? basically, describe all the slut phases you’ve had.

how many serious relationships have you had?

how many unserious relationships have you had?

how many stalkers have you had? describe each briefly in one sentence.

have you ever stalked anyone. describe briefly.

have you ever had your heart broken? describe each instance.

whats your longest relationship?

whats your shortest relationship?

how many guys have you dumped without makign a serious effort to work on the realtionship, beause you just wanted it to be done now?

how many guys have you had Buttsex with? how many times? have you ever made photos or videos of it?

when did you lose your virginity?

make a timeline of all your sex partners, then write the month and year you first had sex with them.

how many times have sex partners “overlapped”?

whats the highest number of guys you had overlapping?

have you ever totally strung a guy along? how many guys? how long for each?

do you think men and women can be just friends when one person has unreturned feelings for the other?

do you have any children?

do you have any children who were adopted, or taken away by the court and put in foster care, or who live with and are supported by your relatives?

how easily can you tell if a male friend has feelings for you?

what do you do if you suspect he does?

do you keep him around in the “friendzone”?

do you talk about the issue?

how good are you at communicating?

have you ever taken the pill? how long?

how many guys have you had sex with where you didnt know them very well?

how many guys have you had sex with within 6 months of meeting them?

have you ever gotten pregnant from a man of a different race? what race? what happened to the Fetus? Abort it?

have you ever had a Inter Uterine Device contraceptive like “The Ring”? for how long?

have you ever had an Abusive Relationship? describe each instance of abuse.

Have you ever been the Abuser? describe each time.

how often to you go to The Club and Grind and Twerk with Random Strangers?

have you ever been absolutely obsessed over a guy? describe each occurrence.

what is the longest time it took you to get over someone?

have you ever dated someone while you were still getting over someone else? did that ruin the current relationship?

Have you ever gotten any kind of STD, from HPV to chlamydia?

did you Go Away To College? how many guys did you have sex with there?

do you consider yourself extraverted?

do you like to go out to parties with lots of people and drinking?

do you like to meet a lot of new people?

have you ever thought sex is no big deal, its “just sex?”

did you ever try to separate sex from emotion?

do you tend to get feelings for “bad boys”?

do you wear a lot of makeup?

do you wear makeup more days than not?

do you wear really tight clothes?

do you have any “sexy outfits” that you wear to “show off your assets?”

do you go to the gym?

what kind of clothes do you wear to the gym? do you wear extremely tight pants and then complain about creepy guys staring at you?

have you ever developed feelings for a male friend after a period of time? what happened?

has a male friend ever developed feelings for you after a period of time? what happened?

are you usually the dumper or the dumpee/dumped?

when theres problems in a relationship, do you usually dump them or do you try to work on the problems and communicate and compromise and try to fix things?

does it make sense that a guy might be awkward at sex the first time because he doesnt really know you and is not really comfortable yet? would you give him some time to see if the sex gets better?

do you understand the differences between men and women?

do you think men can get sex just as easily as women can?

is sex mainly for recreation, or for procreation?

do you take sex seriously?

have you given oral sex to a coworker in a parked car?

have you ever given oral sex to a man in a car ever?

are you kind of prudish at all?

does it take you time to get to know someone before you have sex with them?

what do you think about the “slut stud” double standard?

what do you think about the risks of sex for men vs women?

if you ever start to get feelings for me, please tell me right away. and i will do the same for you. we can even use a code word, like “CANT CLOSE THE WOES.”

do you think its offensive and a betrayal that one person in a male female friendship could one day get feelings for the other? does that make that person evil? can they control their feelings and just turn them on and off at will?

when you inevitably dump me (hahahaha), do you promise to do it in a nice way, where i get to write you several long emails, and you respond to them, and you dont throw me away like garbage, and you try to let me down gently, and affirm my humanity, and say we had a good run, and give me some cutoff sex (30 sessions), and to do something like a Dumping Fee, kind of like an Early Contract Release Fee?

(it would be funny if i used these on muh wife in muh wedding vows one day hahahaha, and it took longer than the entire ceremony just for me to interrogate her in front of the whole community hahahaha)

please give me your most checked email address. get in the habit of writing me a long email once every few months. because when we have problems and you dont want to talk about them, I will write you long emails. please respond to the serious questions raised therein.

when you have a problem in a relship, do you just ignore it and hope it goes away?

would you rather dump the guy than communicate about the problem?

do you avoid communicating about things that need to be communicated about, just because it would be awkward or uncomfortable or weird? and then just dump the guy?

did you ever continue to have sex with a guy after breaking up with him? how many guys?

how many guys have you had sex with without ever being In A Relationship with them?

were you ever the Other Woman with a guy who was cheating on his gurlfran with you? how did you rationalize it to yourself? that because you weren’t doing the cheating, it wasn’t that bad?

have you ever done something totally shitty to someone who didnt deserve it, and then blame THEM for it, saying they deserved it?

have you ever had an eating disorder? what was it, how long did it happen, how serious was it?

do you do things with long-term consequences with only short-term planning?

do you prefer to use signals or to just say things with words? signals can be fun, but i prefer to use words to clarify the signals so there is no ambiguity.

do you like when men get jealous over you?

have you ever gotten jealous? describe the top 3 or so situations.

have you ever been dumped and heartbroken? how did you react? how did you feel? did you have rebound sex with new men very quickly? did you stalk the man? did you go no contact with him, or were you always contacting the guy trying to get him to change his mind?

so now do you understand why men do the same thing when you dump them and break their hearts?

have you ever gotten “spit roasted”?

ever been with 2 or more guys at the same time?

do you have a tramp stamp?

wrist tattoos, neck tattoos, foot tattoos?

if a male friend started getting feelings for you, would you cut off all ties without even talking or emailing him? just ignore and avoid him, give him cold shoulder, or “ghosting?”

of all the people you have “ghosted”, what is the longest period of time you knew one of those people? 1 year? 2 year? 3 years? have you ever “ghosted” on a 3 year friendship while the person was begging you “please respond?”

what is your usual response to “please respond?”

do you dump a guy if everything isnt 100% perfect?

do you have a “one strike and youre out” policy?

Do you write “your” instead of “you’re”?

if a man you cared about told you to stop wearing so much makeup, stop going tanning, stop dying your hair, dont shave your pubic hair that much, would you indulge him? basically if he like a more “natural” woman, with natural hair color, natural skin tone, natural face, etc.

do you naturally tend towards this natural look without being pushed?

do you understand how it takes courage to tell someone you like them?

have you been with more than 10 guys?

have you been with more than 5 guys?

have you been with any women?

have you been with more than 3 guys?

describe the 3 most easiest cases (ie 3 different guys) where it took practically no time or effort to get sex from you. bonus points if you have never NOT made a guy wait a good long time, ie you have NEVER given it up easily.

do you shave your eyebrows into ridiculous little lines? even a unibrow would look better. just leave your eyebrows alone becase you will end up butchering them and making them look worse than a unibrow.

have you ever been paid $30000 by an arab oil sheik to go out to dubai and be made a human toilet for the sheik and 10 of his swarthy friends?

have you ever stripped? either for money, even if only for one day? or gone to Spring Break and did an Amateur Stripping thing for fun and attention?

have you ever Gone On Spring Break? (see Go Away To College)

Do you respect your fathers opinion and seek his guidance?

use your phone or something to make a recording of you answering all these questions verbally. this is easier than writing the answers out. just talk into the phone and give a complete answer, feel free to go into great detail, and do this in several sessions, because i do have a lot of imporatnt questions.

How would you rate your level of SELF CONTROL? low medium or high?

Talk about at least 3 times where you showed the least self control ever.

what is the trashiest thing you have ever done?

how many guys did you have sex with in high school?

how many guys did you have sex with in college?

how many guys did you have sex with in grad school?

when’s the latest age you would like to be married by?

whats the latest age you want to have a child by?

how many children do you want?

do you have a preference for men of your own race? or no real preference to speak of? (having a pro-white preference is what i am looking for hahaha)

are you ashamed of or disappointed in white people? why? describe what you dont like about whites.

how religious are you?

do you go to church regularly?

were you ever “saved” or “born again” after a prodigal past?

how do you feel about people who are “saving themselves for marriage?”

how do you feel about people who are “saving themselves for a monogamous, long term, serious relationship?”

how would you describe yourself politically? by that I mean conservative or liberal or moderate. try not to say moderate. do you tend more towars the liberal or conservative? feel free to go into great detail please. especially on “social issues” likke abortion, homosexual marriage, casual sex, transgender, open relationships, marriage and divorce.

when you get out of one relationship, do you take some time by yourself without dating, without sex, to reflect, grieve, learn, process, and move on, or are you dating/having sex with someone else right away (within 1 month)?

would you consider yourself “fairly experienced with men”? Not necessarily a LOT of guys, but “a decent number?”

How loyal of a person would you say you are? as always, feel free to go into detail and give examples or stories or anecdotes.

Is a friendship a relationship?

Do you think its possible and not unreasonable for someone to eventually get feelings in a once-platonic male-female friendship?

do you think white guys are more or less wimpy and boring and not sexy, while nonwhite guys are more exotic, interesting, fun, masculine, and Sexy?

are nonwhite guys in generally more sexy than white guys? please go into as much detail as you like.

have you ever dated or had sex with a black or arab or latino guy?

do you have any personal interest in Interracial dating?

do you think sex is a special, serious, maybe even sacred thing that needs to be treated with respect and maybe ever reverence?

or do you think i am always being too black and white, and the answer for everything is “IT DEPENDS!!!!! sometimes yes sometimes no! in different situations, or different phases of your life, you want different things!”

Is a persons past a good predictor of future behavior?

are you always telling people to forget about your past, and just focus on the present?

are you ashamed of your past? or do you have no regrets about being a huge skank?

what are your biggest regrets?

what would you do differently if you could Do It All Over Again? would have not had sex with so many guys? would you have gotten married younger or had children younger? maybe married that first serious boifrand rather than dumping him so you could get more experience, because it would be naive or immature to marry the first guy you dated, and then, 10 years later, you always wondered what if? what if you had just stayed with him because he was really a great guy?

5:44 PM Tuesday, December 01, 2015
5:44 PM 12/1/2015

textfx > insert > date time stamp

7:26 PM Tuesday, December 01, 2015


could you ever be with a demisexual?

could you ever just do cuddling and making out for 6+ months, and then only have sex only AFTER you have decided on a longterm mongamous rel with the man?

why do you need to have sex so soon?

why do you need to move through relationships so FAST?

why cant you take it SLOW?

how slow could you possibly take it?

how sexually innocent would you consider yourself? low, medium, high?

how many facebook freinds do you have? (1000 is horrible, 200-300 is good, less than 200 is ideal, avg will prob be 500-600)

how many facebook pictures do you have?

are you generally for or against casual sex? whats the first thing that comes to mind? what is your Gut Feeling to Casual Sex? especially for yourself.

Do you think sex is inherently, naturally something that SHOULD have an emotional element and SHOULD be shared only wiht someone you have an emotional connection and trust with?

do you think casual sex is degenerate?

what things do you consider degenerate? or do you find the word itself too “judgmental” or hateful or intolerant?

have you ever used okcupid? tinder? how many sex partners have you added as a result of dating websites or apps?

what do you think of the “slut stud double standard?”

do you think its unfair that when a man has sex with a lot of women, he’s considered a stud, but when a woman has sex with a lot of men, she’s considered a slut? what do you think about that?

do you think its easier for men to get sex than women?

do you think women have different consequences for sex than men?

does this help shed some light on things?

do you think women should be able to have lots of sex like men?

do you really understand how women can get pregnant and men cant? does this help explain to you how sex has different consequences for men and women, and why its frowned upon for women to be sluts?

do you have sex with people without having a mature conversation about what each person wants from the relationship?

do you often have sex with people without yourself having any interest in a relationship?

how do you feel about sex outside of a relationship?

how many guys had you had sex with by age 17? 22? 25?

do you think its okay for women to go to dubai and party with oil sheikhs for 30 grand? her body her choice? dont you view this as prostitution?

would you be okay with your daughter appearing in porno or being a stripper or prostitute?

have you ever been the subject of a sex scandal?

do you understand why women should take sex more seriously than men?

have you “dated” ie had sex with a lot of “douchebags” or “dickheads” and “assholes?” why didn’t you just wait to have sex with them?

have you ever dumped a guy because he didnt read your mind, and you didnt want to talk about it, so you just dumped him because he didnt figure shit out? how many guys?

are you willing to read long emails from me? how about write long emails back? could also do voice recordings if youre too lazy to write.

when someone writes you a long email do you just think creep/weirdo/needy and not read the whole thing seriously, because he’s just needy creepy psycho and doesnt deserve to be taken seriously, and its weird to write long emails?

have you ever been given The Silent Treatment? or Ghosted? or Ignored and Avoided? tell the full story of the 3 worst times. how did it make you feel?

did you then use the silent treatment on people after you experienced how painful it was?

tell the stories of your 3 worst heartbreaks. did it ever leave you completely devastated? how long did it take you get over usually? then why do you complain if it takes a guy 6 months to get over a woman?

do you think the differences between men and women are nature or nuture? biological vs socially constructed? explain your opinions in detail. specifically, do you see any problems with women being “sexually adventurous” like men?

are you friends with any of your ex-boifrans? how many? how often do you talk to him? are you over him? really? how often do you see them? how can you get over someone if you see and talk to them regularly? have you ever gone back and had sex with them when you were in another relationship? how about VERY soon after another relationship ended?

whats the longest period of time you have been completely celibate?

why do you need someone to fook when you end a relationship? cant you be alone for just a little while to process and get over things? dont you realize it takes a long time to become emotionally available again after your heart is broken? and during that time its best not to date or fook ANYBODY? why didnt you do that?

when you love somebody 100%, do you want anybody else? is your ideal of true love a monogamous thing with ONE man?

if you’re emotionally unavailable and still trying to get over one guy, why not just take a long break from dating (or fooking) guys altogether?

what do you think about pornography? is it degenerate? what about super hardcore stuff? would you ever or have you ever had sex on camera? dont you think that sort of disrespects the reverence of sex?

how often do you drink? do you like going out to bars and clubs and having guys buy you drinks? or would you rather have a quiet night in with family?

how “TRADITIONAL” would you say you are?

what do you think about women Staying Home and Homeschooling children?

do you agree that almost 100% of the costs in reproduction are borne by women, and therefore, women have to be EXTRA CAREFUL? and this is exactly WHY women cannot fook like men?

do you read any newspapers or blogs or have any interest in the world, news, politics, or current events?

do you read stuff like jezebel, gawker, buzzfeed?

talk about right vs left, in your perspective. where do you fit on that spectrum?

lets hang out and look at okcupid together and take their stupid personality tests. some of them can actually be quite informative and lead to good discussions.

have you ever been a great love of some guys life? what happened there?

have you ever had some great loves of your life? what happened there?

do you give it up easily?

have you ever had more than 1 dick inside you at the same time? more than 2?

do you find the idea of having children old fashioned and oppressive and “ew” or “ugh”?

do you use words like “ew” and “ugh” to avoid articulating and examining your feelings?

do you know how to dump a guy gently? do you usually do that when you dump a guy?

do you do a lot of dumping?

have you ever been dumped?

how much meaningless sex have you had? a little, a moderate amount, a lot, or very very little? none?

how do you feel about pure romance parties where women look at dildos and talk about self pleasuring? is this fun, or gross?

do you do “CASUAL DATING”? ie nonmonogamous sex with no commitment?

do you accept that it will take me 2 or 3 times before i am fully comforable having secs with you?

could you come up with a moral justification for bestiality? pedophilia?

if you ever think i am being manipulative or abusive, you have to tell me immediately.

what is the primary function of sex? procreation or pleasure?

did you ever dump a guy because the first and last, the one and only time you had sex with him, it was kind of awkward, so you figured that was his fault?

promise me that when you dump me you will do it NICELY. ask your father the nicest way to dump a guy.

promise me that if we ever have a problem, we will talk about it, commuicate about it, rather than avoid talking about the elephant in the room. talking might be awkward, but not talking is even more awkward. promise me you’ll say “WE NEED TO TALK.” rather than walk away and ignore me forever when i beg you to please respond. At least write me an email. and try to dump me nicely. see above.

have you ever felt “regret raped” where in the following days, you said, “ew, i cant believe i had sex with THAT GUY, what was i thinking?! Hmm I must have been raped! i was drunk after all! I had impaired judgment!” just to alleviate yourself of the embarrassment and personal responsibility?

you know that treating sex with great care is not something thats strictly religious right? that it makes sense even from a stupidass atheist utilitarian perspective? that the societal costs outweigh the individual selfish benefits?

promise me that when we are done you will communicate with me and dump me nicely, rather than throw me away without a word liek a piece of garbage. see “ghosting” or just vanishing/disappearing and not responding to pleas for communication.

have you ever desperately begged someone to talk or listen or communicate with you, becuase you so desperately wanted to save the relationship, and they didnt?

i did ask about abortion right? have you ever had an abortion? more than one? tell the stories of all abortions.

if a male friend eventually came to develop feelings for you, would you consider that a BETRAYAL of TRUST, and come to hate and distrust him?

are you bisexual?

have you ever had sechs with anther woman? how many? how about a full blown relationship? was it an open relationship? have you even cheated on a guy with a woman?

how do men and womens reproductive roles differ? who has the harder job? provide evidence for your answer.

have you ever had “truffle butter” from having a guy do you in ass and then immediately put it in the V? dont you know that not only being extremely degen, this is very unhygienic and literally dirty? how many guys have you done this with?

how many guys have you done buttsecs with?

whats the shortest amount of time you knew a guy before you had buttsecs with him?

have you ever had a “wild oats” period? tell me all about that.

have you ever had a period of your life where you were just hooking up with guys from bars/clubs? how many guys?

have you ever abused an animal? killed an animal?

tell me all about your opinions on feminism and feminists.

what is the sluttiest outfit you have ever worn? what is the sluttiest outfit you currently own?

do you wear high heels regularly?

do you take a long time to “get ready” when you “go out?”

do you “go out” a lot?

whats worse, a pathetic wimpy guy acting like an omega, or a girl being a slut?

can you promise me that when you reject me, you will do it NICELY? write me a long but nice email if you can too.

when YOU really liked someone, how did YOU act? smooth as hell? not needy at all?

so you made ME wait a little while for sex. but im still not convinced youre a decent woman. give me a list of all the guys youve been with and how long you made THEM wait for sex. if you had a period of like 5 guys in your 20s where they all got to hit it after 1 date….then youre just being disingenous with me and trying to fool me into thinking youre Not One Of Those Gurls when in fact you are.

What is sex? how would you define sex? what does it MEAN to you? (trying to get at procreation first, pleasure distant second, and not some weak “IT DEPENDS, you go through phases” relativist answer. good answer: sex is something serious and sacred that creates life and should not be taken lightly, even if it can be pleasureable. that pleasure comes with a very high responsibility. etc etc)

what do you think of psychiatric drugs? do you take any? have you been in a rel with anyone who took them?

i am very happy to answer all these questions myself.

ever fooked someone famous or nearly famous? who was it? any others?

have you ever stayed with someone who abused you? why? for how long? how many guys?

have you ever blown out your colon havin rough buttsecs with a guy?

do you think its weird to not have secs within 30 days of dating?

how many dates on avg before you have secs?

how ridiculous is the idea of you meeting their family BEFORE you first have secs with them?

“SEXUAL MORALITY.” what does this phrase mean to you?

how traditional are you?

how many years did you slut it up? how many cox were on your cox carousel?

How much AGENCY do you have?

I do not like a communication style like a brick wall. we have to talk to each other when there are problems. we have to be comfortable talking about our feelings towards each other.

Do you communicate and resolve problems like a mature adult, with direct confrontation? that is the best way.

Promise that if you ever need to tell me something difficult that may hurt me, just TELL me rather than trying to get me to forget it. I need to actually have the difficult talk, rather than reading signals, and trying to read your mind. Nobody can read minds well. If there’s something on your mind about me or our rel, TELL ME. TELL ME. Talk to me or write me an email.

If you decide to end this rel, promise me you’ll do it in a kind, gentle, nice way, rather than angrily push me away or throw me away.

Have you ever had that done to you? it is tremendous pain. you never want to do that to anyone unless they abuse you.

promise me that if you ever START to even MAYBE get feelings for me, you will TELL ME right away, and also I will do the same regarding you. in fact we should should just talk about this every 1 or 2 months as a rule. to check in. in male female friendships its not weird if one person eventually develops feelings, even after a while.

promise me that if i get too clingy you will TELL me.

promise me that if you dump me you will TELL me.

promise me that you will be open to COMMUNICATING about problems in our rel.

please think seriously about writing an email or doing a voice recording.

please understand that if a man gets feelings for his female friend, this si not a BETRAYAL or a DUAL INTENT. sometimes it just happens, even after a long time (2,3,4 YEARS.)

I am very happy to LEAD you like a Strong Man, but I need some SUPPORT on my not so good days.

if you want to dump me, please write me a long email as part of that, trying to let me down gently and to facilitate good closure. I do not like when dumpers put no effort into making a good karma dump. please do not just throw me away like a piece of garbage.

if you cant bring yourself to talk to me, write a message trying to let me down nicely, and then have someone ELSE send it. friend or family. i need you to attempt to do the right thing regarding closure. just be nice but firm, think about how YOU would want to be dumped by someone you loved, if you could never be with them, because they didnt feel that way about you. how would you want THEM to reject you? knowing that THEY wanted to end the relationship, but you did NOT.

you slept with a lot of assholes?

you slept with a lot of guys period?

how do you feel about SLUTS? do you like slut shaming? do you believe its shameful to be a slut?

come up with an argument why being a slut is bad that doesnt rely on anything religious. not that religious is wrong tho. but there are plenty of nonreligious reasons to not be a slut.

if you ever feel like i have BETRAYED you, PLEASE TALK to me about it. it could just be a horrible MISUNDERSTANDING. like, for example, thinking i had Dual Intent All Along when I didnt. OR thinking that developing feelings is a BETRAYAL of the whole friendship. No. its a complicated issue that needs to be discussed. But a real betrayal is more like CHEATING or lying.

What’s ideal amoutn of time or dates before you would ideally have secs with a guy? whats it more like in reality? do you give it up too quickly? is your ideal even too quick?

have you ever had secs with more than one guy in the same day? the same week? what was the max number of guys you ever had secs with in one day? one week? one month?

I want you to PROMISE me that if you ever have a problem with me, you TELL me somehow. soon. rather than letting it boil over into a train wreck and exploding on me one day. TELL ME.

if you are thinking of dumping me TALK TO ME and give me an ACTUAL ULTIMATUM. if you are thinking of doing something ultimatum-wrorthy. please actually TELL ME the ultimatum and dont go ahead and do the nuclear option without talking to me and giving me the ultimatum first. PLEASE.

if you want to dump me, promise me you will dump me NICELY, RESPECTFULLY.

promise me you will put an honest effort into this rel, and to try to think like a mature adult on how i might feel about things. dont hate me for the wrong reasons. put yourself in my shoes. seek the advice of trusted friends and family.

make an effort to not throw me away like a piece of garbage.


I have the right to be not thrown away like a piece of garbage when you decide to get out of this rel.
You have the responsibility to not throw me like a piece of garbage when you decide to get out of this rel.

can we make and agree on and sign a relationship bill of rights and responsibilities?

ever made a secs tape? how many tapes? how many guys? can i see it, ya dirty whore?

have you ever avoided someone to the point where you just cut them out of your life entirely and essentially deleted them, threw them away? threw them away like a piece of garbage? what did they do to deserve this? do you think they really deserved it? how do you think they felt? do you feel good about what you did?

whats the highest number of men you were having secs with at around the same time? in the sense of a “Stable” or “harem” of men where you were having casual, no strings attached with one guy one week, a second guy another week, and so on?

whats the highest number of guys you’ve had secs with in the space of one month? 2 months? 3 months?

have you EVER had multiple “fook buddies” or “friends with benefits” at the same time? what was the highest number? 2? 3? 4? 5?

have you ever accused someone of lying and you were totally wrong?

did you ever think someone had betrayed you when they really hadnt?

be honest. how many hearts have you completely broken?

write me a 5,000 word essay on why “Casual sex” is impossible, and why sex is inherently intimate, and shouldnt be given away quickly to guys you meet on tinder.

promise when it comes time to dump me, you will do so with common courtesy and do it as gently as possibly, while still being definite and not giving false hope. but do NOT throw me away like a piece of garbage.

tell me about your slut phase.

ever been nonmonogamous with a man? describe.

Is sex a big deal?

What are the consequences of sex for women? for men?

Do you take birth control pills? some sort of ring or implant?

how insistent are you that new sex partners wear Condoms?

do you get drunk and “hook up” with guys?

do you swear a lot and have a mouth like a sailor?

How important is communication in a relship to you?

has any man ever K’d himself after you dumped him?

What’s the worst reaction a man has ever had after you dumped him?

are you a mature adult capable of having difficult talks and making big decisions, or are you more like a hormonal, emotional teenager?

do you understand why Interracial Dating is not great?

do you think “LOVE IS LOVE.” ?

What do you think about gays? transsexuals?

what does “sexual morality” mean to you? do you consider yourself sexually moral? what about your friends?

what are your closest friends like? decent people or degenerate scumbags?

how do you feel about babies and children?

did you ever have an “experimental phase?” tell me about that.

do you respect your father’s judgment on the guys you “date”?

does “date” really mean “fooking” to you?

Do you try to spare a man’s feelings when you dump him? let him down as easily and gently as possible?

how many friends with benefits or fook buddies have you had?

how many one night stands have you had?

have you ever done a sexual act in public? describe the top 10 times.

Has it ever taken over a year of NO CONTACT for you to get over someone? Then maybe you could understand the deep love and heartbreak I have felt. It’s a red flag when you continue to talk to, see, be friends with, and possibly fook the person. Bad.

Do you jump right from one relationship to another? How can you do that? doesn’t it take time to get over the previous person? Why would you continue in that rel with one foot out the door like that? It seems like just a small step up from cheating. It mean you got interested in the new person while you were still with the previous person.

how honest are you? do you LIE a lot? what kinds of lies? big ones, small ones?

Would you trade racists for rapists? (rapeugees)

How do you feel about Your Ingroup? What does Ingroup mean to you? Are you attracted to The Exotic? Is the more exotic more sexy to you?

How much did you like 50 shades of gray?

whats the most number of guys you dated at the same time? were you fooking them all? how many were you fooking? whats the highest number of guys you were fooking in at the same time period?

how many guys you fooked where you dated them less than 3 months? fooked a guy but never really dated him; and he wanted a rel, but you didnt, and just fooked him a little and was DONE with him within 3 months? his TURN was over.

Why don’t you have any respect for human life or the process that creates it?

How long does it usually take for you to fook a guy after meeting him? Less than two months?

Let’s talk about ABORTION. Ever gotten one? more than one? what’s your opinion about abortion? is it horrible? do you think life starts at conception?

what do you think about plan B abortifacients? do you just casually get some plan B from planned parenthood to flush out any fetus you might have gotten after a night of drunk, unprotected fun?

Seeing as you can get pregnant, have you thought deeply about the issue of abortion and when human life begins, or is that a scary slippery slope you’d rather not go down until you actually get pregnant?

how many homosexual friends do you have? do have any qualms about their degenerate, promiscuous lifestyles? do you approve of your gay friends having promiscuous sex with 9000000000 people and going to fisting parties? what ELSE are you ok with?

do you say, as long as its between two (or more!) consenting adults, I dont have a problem with it?

do you have a moral compass?

but you judge people who do shady, gross, weird, or creepy things though, dont you? and fisting parties arent weird and gross?

what do you think about people who have been with 10 or more people? normal, fine, or kinda gross and you would never do that? have you already done that?

How often do you wear high heels?

How many pairs of shoes do you have? (less than 10 hahaha)

have you ever pseudo-dated somebody in a sexual relationship for “a minute?” eg “Oh yeah we dated for a minute.” meaning you fooked him several times at least.

Do you treat people like human beings?

when you have an omega orbiter, do you tell him Im Not Interested, Sorry, or do you continue to lead him on by allowing him to hang out with you?

you ever give a guy a BLUMPKIN, ya dirty white trash whore?

have you ever been desperate? did you just fook guys indiscriminately then? what do you think about desperate and lonely guys? can you sympathize with them?

has any of the guys you ever dumped ever killed themself? do you know that for a fact? how long after you dumped them did they kill themself?

Ever been involved in a gangbang or a “train?” how many times? how many guys? tell me all about each time.

what’s the longest period of time you’ve gone without touching dick? (1 year or longer is ideal)
have you ever fooked a guy in a parking lot? some other public place? in a car? outside up against a car in a parking lot, between cars?



yeah you can take that to the spank bank hahahahahaha

if you can get a woman to answer all those, you will be WELL ON YOUR WAY to making an informed decision. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. THE MORE YOU KNOW (about That Woman you think you know hahahaha)

literally ask the woman to fill that out completely, or maybe let her do a talking file if you are feeling kind hahaha.

i dont like being a VICTIM and BLAMING other people, except when it comes to blaming the woman for the failure of the relship, and for blaming Baby Boomers for the economic failures of the Millennials hahahahahahaha.

well im am honestly sorry i never told you earlier, but i was trying to send you signals, and you never ever ever ever wanted to hang out with me ever. that hurt me alot and if we did hang out i would have had a good talk with you.

or would i have? there is a large chance i would have been chickenshit and said “welllllll…….maybe NEXT time we hang out, we’ll have that big talk.”

but thats irrelevant, because it never happened!

maybe i would have talked about it!

mayeb if i pussied out about talking about it, i would have decided to just write an email much earlier!



shit. had a big long dream all about THAT PERSON. not what i needed! i cant even remember exactly what it was about but it was long and there was lots of her. she was giving me videos of herself. i wasnt sure if they were supposed to be sex videos. one showed her in bed with another guy but they werent having secs, but it was safe to assume that there would eventually be some secs in one of these videos if thats how it was starting out. the videos told the dramatic story of her troubled life and showed her in many different phases: fat, skinny, long hair, short hair, hair with many colors.

the dream portrayed her as more slutty and more troubled than she actually was. and she was not the type to make videos. and she never went through many phases. she was never fat, she always had the same kind of hair, she never got with many guys and made videos with them. i liked that about her. she seemed impervious largely to the negative influences of the outside world, and could stay the course, was not always bouncing around from one thing to another. steady, straight and narrow. all good qualities that endeared me greatly to her. so yeah the dream did not show her as she really was, or even as i knew her. so that was weird.

took a different approach at the fatness yesterday. ive been trying to do 8 miles at a time, doing about a 17 minute mile which is abotu 3.5 mph, believe me my preferred pace is 2.8 or so.

basically i was trying to get it so that 1 mile burned 100 calories, by watching the calories and distance meters, and then every 10 minutes, bringing up the pace to 5.5 mph for 2 minutes to get in 20% jogging hahahaha.

but i didnt like jogging for more than 2 minutes at a time.

the jogging would build up a “buffer” where my calories were greater than my distance, and i could “afford” to go back to 3 mph again, which i gladly did.

then yesterday i began thinking HEART RATE was more important than what it said for calories.

heh well this disproves that.

anyway. what i actually experienced was:

i found that walkng steadily at 3.5 kept my heart rate at 120 (there are little sensors you put your hands on to measure your heart rate.).


anyway i tried to keep it at 120 constant, which for me is about 3.5 mph. of course running at like 6 or 7 mph can get me up to like 170 quickly hahahaha.

hmmm looks like this is  a huge controversy hahaaha.

anyway “jogging” is for phaggots, i would rather Run for 1 minute than jog for 2 minutes, then walk at a “leisurely stroll with aunt susie” for 80-90% of the time hahahahaha.

anyway when i tried to keep it at a constant 120 that was a higher heart rate than what i usually like, like 110 hahahaha. i also found this seemed to “feel” like i was working harder, more sweating hahahaha, possibly better sleeping. that is, i sleep more solidly, but still had vivid dreams featuring THAT PERSON, or at least a weird version of THAT PERSON.

well even if it was a fictional version of THAT PERSON, the nonfictional version was not much better.

she was “weird” because she was not promiscuous, she was “stay the course” and not bouncing around from thing to thing, trend to trend, belief to belief, chad to chad. I liked this consistency and stability. its stupid when people radically reinvent themselves every few months.

maybe it means she seems she is going through her first big radical change now? by kickign me out of her life? is she really changing into a Party Slut Successful Career Woman though? i will never know. well except when i see her on the rise in linkedin hahahaha.

it just really really hurts to be rejected by someone who was so very important to you. it is kinda worse than a death, because they are kicking you out of their life, with extreme prejudice. they are saying I DONT WANT YOU AROUND ANY MORE. when someone dies, they dont do that. its less of a blatant rejection. its not them saying, my life is better without you in it. and thats exactly what she told me and it ruined my year hahahaha. well it ruined prob at least 2 years cuz now i gotta deal with this job bullshit. all my confidence is gone and you need confidence to get and keep jobs.

fook. i hate that she was a decent person who i honestly respected and admired. a solid legit above board person, a good decent person you could trust. a person i wanted to keep in my life for a long time. this is why i eventually fell in luv with her. and then she said get out of my life, i never want to see you again, i hate you for getting feelings for me and being so weird about it.

and she accepted me for who i was, which so few women would do. she was willing to be my friend, get to know me, spend time with me. she never USED to be full of excuses why she couldnt hang out. until she was. because she had read my signals and didnt WANT to hang out with me, if i had different feelings.

maybe she viewed that as somone asking something of her which she couldnt do.  well she didnt have to like me, she just had to write me an email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or something like that.

she never wore makeup or go tanning. the worst she would do is very very light like eye shadow makeup once in a great while, and not that crusty face paint garbage that makes their face look like crusty tan plastic. do they think alpha men find this sexy? i find it disgusting. im not an alpha male tho hahahaha.

i havent watched a movie in MONTHS, its just not enjoyable. or tv shows really. like i dont give a shit about game of thrones or house of cards or even supposedly highbrow stuff. or lowbrow stuff.

stupid. but women get into these phases of IM NOT TALKING TO YOU. WERE NOT TALKING ANYMORE. unfooking believable.

so what do you do to snap them out of that? do you leave them alone and hope they contact you? do you Persist and Push? i have actually done BOTH now, and neither has worked. maybe because I Pushed first, then left them alone second. maybe you have to leave them alone FIRST, then PUSH, second.

i was thinking about drugs that give you confidence, and cocaine has a reputation for that. i have never tried cocaine or any upper really, the worst i had was i took an adderrall recreationally 10 years ago once hahahaha. but no coke, no crack, meth, anything.

how different are crack and meth?

like having a hit of CRACK before you start your shift so you sound more confident and awake to your clients/customers/callers. sound more normal and extraverted. how ridiculous would THAT be.

but yeah i still want to contact her.

she might eventually respond to me, but would it be GOOD for me? see what happened in late 2004 when i did something like this. i reestablished contact with the woman, but we didnt rekindle anything, and it just produced MORE PAIN. cuz i got my hopes up again and she was not willing to rekindle. she had moved on. blatantly fooking other guys like it was nothing. hey thats why they make the pill.

i felt comfortable, at home with her; like i could just be myself. not like i was always trying to impress or put on a show or mask. and then i got feelings for her and felt more of that pressure to COMPETE and IMPRESS her. but before things went bad i still felt very comfortable and at home with her, i just wanted to cuddle and make out with her now. anyway that level of comfort i had never had before and its hard to give up.

I Lost Somebody that was very important to me! of COURSE it hurts!

it was made Doubly painful because they Harshly Kicked Me out of their life.

heh whenever we had a “decent” chat at our job i would email it to myself for future reference. now i went and deleted all those in july so i dont have anymore “snapshots” of “how things were” during like jan thru april.  i recall we did have some talks which i thought were good. but nothing that really got right down to the root, ie talking about feelings.

i feel she DID KINDA lead me on a LITTLE because she said oh yeah we WILL hang out at SOME point, just not this weekend.

ok i hate to bug you but can we please hang out next month? tell me well hang out next month and i wont bother you any more this month.

yes of course we will hang out soon.

oh yay thank u muh one true luv.

but yeah, so it was on me to realize i was deluded in believing her when she said we’ll hang out soon…..but you can see why i wanted to beleive it!

also, she didnt HAVE to say that! she could have said no, i dont think we should hang out any more. but no, it was always: yes we’ll hang out soon, yes we’ll hang out soon. so YES she DOES bear some responsibility for that, for saying those things with did lead me on.

but yeah i hadnt been that CLOSE to a woman since i had some female friends in 2005, 2006, 2007. ANNNNDDD i got special feelings for That person, which made me feel even closer. (i didnt get the special feelings for those older female friends.)

(then there were the women i got special feelings for, but was NEVER really close with them, so the closeness was ALL in my head and solely due to those feelings.)

but with That Person, the closeness WAS real, it WAS mutual for a long time. and it hurts to lose that. and i wish i knew how she felt about it all.

well she’s probably glad to be rid of a pathetic loser like me, who was sneaking around trying to manipulate her into having secs with me, right? hahahahaha.

and i wish i could get it through to her that IT WASNT LIKE THAT!!!!!!! that stupid niceguy narrative put forth by journalists. thats not what i am!!!!!!

i just especially hate that Niceguy Narrative, and I HATE that someone could be mad at me because they thought THAT’s what i was, and they arent giving me a chance to explain myself!

i didnt just want her to explain herself, i wanted to explain myself too!

also i liked that she was Not Super Girly in the sense of makeup, chads, talking like an idiot, tanning, clothes, fashion, shoes, boots, makeup. she was a real person who didnt care about that shit. but she was also not asexual and unfeminine. she possessed feminine warmth and caring; and clearly was willing and able to give it to Carefully Chosen and Vetted men. and i yearned to be one of those.

but i dont think she vetted the second guy well enough because he cheated on her VERY quickly.

but she responded well by dumping him immediately rather than desperately trying to win him back.

but i think shes still not over him.

shit shes probably not still over the first guy yet. i think she wanted to work things out with him, but he didnt. kinda like what happened with me and her hahahaha. so it is very painful when you want to work something out with a person, but they don’t, they just want to leave you. very painful.

but i dont know the full story there, we didnt talk too much about That Breakup, well i figured it was a sensitive subject and i didnt want to talk about it At Work.

it was hard to talk about ANYTHING at work because our work was so mentally demanding. well MY WORK was anything. i GUESS i could have had in depth important conversations over the work chat by slowly asking deeper and deeper questiosn over the course of the day. im sure other people did that.

well SORRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY for not working the work chat as best as I could, and for preferring to talk in person, in a relaxed setting, rather than have a god damn 9 hour long WORK CHAT. fooooooooook.

or high heels. i never saw her wear high heels. i liked that.

or any super slutty clothing that showed her ass or bosoms.

she would wear Mom/Dad Jeans and nothing too tight.

oh god i miss her hahahahahaha wawawawawawawaw

she was kind of poor and she was very prudent with money, meaning she didnt spend $100 to buy slutty clothes and shit like that.

i liked the way she dressed when i really dont like the way many women dress, it is either too slutty or indicates that they want too much damn attention, its flashy and expensive and gaudy.

even if i met a new good woman tomorrow, i am still gonna be EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE for a LONG time! because i still want HER back! i know it wont happen, but that wont stop me from WANTING it! so really all i can do is let it run its course i guess. and pine for her hahahaha.

slut phd gives tedx talk encouraging women to be sluts hahahaha im sure ive posted this before but read the comments too, most of the comments are pro casual sex, disgusting degens.

i dunno. i just want a woman who doesnt LIKE casual sex, AND who hasnt already gone through her Casual Sex PHASE and THATS why she doesnt like casual sex any more, because shes gotten it out of her system, rode the c carousel, and is probably jaded wiht the 1000 C Stare hahahahaha.

heh i have been making coffee with 6 scoops instead of 8 and it is still killing my stomach and guts and making me poop 90000000 times a day. better go down to 5 scoops i guess!

wawawawawa i knew her for a while……then i stopped knowing her, because she didnt want me to know her any more! because she didnt like that i now liked her.

oh well life goes on, and you go on being emotionally unavailable because you always want so and so back. that person. and you are never available for a new, better person.

she likes to walk in the park! i like to walk in the park! i wish we could have walked in the park together. i walked with her in the park once and only once. that was before i was officially in luv with her. but after that, my feelings began changing. soon after…..i was in luv. and then i really wanted to hang out with her, go walk in the park, just hang out and talk and spend time. but it never happened again.

heres a college textbook by phds miller and perlman, intimate relationships, can get for 1 cent + 4 $ shipping. looking for a free pdf hahahahaha and skipping to the chapter about Rels Ending.


CHAPTER 13: The Dissolution and loss of Relationships

read it and never stop weeping hahahaha

Our forecasts of our emotional responses to
events are often in error (Wilson & Gilbert, 2005). In this case, though, the
wrongful predictions offer some hopeful news: As awful as they often are, the
average breakup doesn’t hurt as much as we think it will.
Of course, some breakups are worse than others. It’s generally harder to
be rejected than to do the rejecting (Perilloux & Buss, 2008), especially if one
already has low self-esteem (Waller & MacDonald, 2010). In addition, anyone
who mopes and dwells on what they’ve lost and how lousy they feel during
a breakup is likely to have a hard time; rumination prolongs our distress,
whereas reflection-seeking meaning in our experiences and looking to learn
from them-is associated with positive adjustment and recovery (Saffrey
& Ehrenberg, 2007). But people with insecure styles of attachment who are
416 c.·uAPrDC 13: Thl’ Dis.solution “nd Loss of Rtldtionsh1ps
anx_ious about abandonment are particularly likely to have trouble mentally
letting go. They remain preoccupied with the ex-partner (and are especially
upset at the thought of him or her with someone new), so they remain sadder
longer than others do (Sbarra, 2006). (To get their minds off their ex-partners, they ~hould start browsing dating sites to see who else is out there; anxious
people ddach more easily from a failed relationship when they set their sights
on someone new [Spielmann et al., 2009].) People with secure attachment stvles
fare better after breakups. They brood less, so they’re less likely to stay angry.
They’re also more likely to accept the finality of the relationship’s end, so they
start healing and recover from sadness sooner (Sbarra, 2006).

oh god

TABLE 8.3. The Short Form of the Passionate Love Scale
This questionnaire asks you to describe how you feel when you are passionately in
love. Please think of the person whom you love most passionately right nor”· Keep this
person in mind as you complete this questionnaire.
Answer each item using this scale:
Not at all
3 4
1. I would feel deep despair ii __ left me.
2. Sometimes I feel I can’t control my thoughts; they are obsessively on __ .
3. I feel happy when I am doing something to make __ happy.
4. I would rather be with __ than anyone else.
5. I’d get jealous if I thought __ was foiling in love with someone else.
6. I yearn to know all about __ .
7. I want __ physically, emotionally, mentally.
8. I have an endless appetite for affection from __ .
9. For me, __ is the perfect romantic p.11tncr.
10. I sense my body responding when __ toucht:’s ml’.
11. <1lways seems to be on m\ mind
12. I want __ to know me-my thoughts, my fears, and my hopes.
13. I eagerly look for signs indicating __ ‘s desire for me.
14. I possess a powerful attraction for __ .
15. I get extremely depressed when things don’t go right in my relationship
Higher scores on the PLS indic.att:’ grt:’Jtcr passion.1te lo\’c. Across all 15 itl’ms. the
average rating per itcm-.1dd up all your. ratings an~ di\’idc ~y 15–fo.r bo~h men and
women is 7.15. If your average is 9 (the highest possible), you re expencncmg more
passionate love than most people, .md if your avcr.1ge i.s 5.25 or lower, you’re e~pt:’riencing
Saurc1•·Halflt’•Sf’rrtl1rr. IQ,I/,.

ok kinda shitty copy and paste. super shitty. i was c&p’ing from a pdf and the pdf was obvious a fuzzy xeroxing.

perhaps we BOTH have INSECURE ATTACHMENT STYLES. i can see that

great book, i should really buy it.


i was Anxious Preoccupied, and she was Dismissive Avoidant. Both are Insecure aka unhealthy Attachment styles.

soooo how do you go from insecure to secure attachment? why do i have insecure attachment? i had a good home life growing up. noone abandoned or abused me!!!!!!

dr zhana runs the casual sex project hahahaha and she is around the same age as me lol

i dunno maybe i would be into being promiscuous and open rels, as long as i didnt get damn rejected all the damn time!

maybe its only because i get rejected all the time, is the reason i THINK i hate open rels and promiscuity, becuase they will lead to ME being dumped, cheated on, rejected.

but what if I were experiencing all the benefits? secs with multiple people, secs whenever i wanted? then i probably wouldnt be complaining as much.

like if i had 2 or 3 attractive young women i cuold get secs with, if one were unavailable, just pick another. wouldnt even need it every day. if i were working, i would only want it once or twice a week hahahaha.

i hate these tattooed phaggots that wear shirts that say TATTOOED AND EMPLOYED, to Fight The Stigma of tat covered freaks being unemployable losers. meanwhile i hate tattoos and have no tats and these tatted up losers are making more money than i ever will hahahaha.

sure i am jelly of them having jobs and beign successful in life and im not. doesnt mean i secretly want tattoos. i think they are dumb and its a big turnoff when women have them.

of course THAT PERSON did not have any. wawawawawawaw i miss her, i want her back.

“dr” zhanas sex blog hahahaha

shit i would kinda hate getting back in contact with her, IF she wanted to be Just Friends again.

bbbbbut then i would be able to finally have A Talk with her and say yeah i dunno but i still like u tho, and she would finally TALK about it and say sorry cant do that and that would give me the CLOSURE i want?????? fook that.

well i would know she didnt hate me at least. but i would still be rejected.

heh. when i think about other women, i am reminded of how i dont WANT other women, i want HER wawawawawa.

say what you will but i eventually communicated openly with her by writing her long emails which, if she took the time to read them, would explain a lot about my position. and she could have responded. but she didnt.

so yeah. maybe i dont hate promiscuity, and that if i had the opportunity to be promiscuous with several women, i wouldnt hate it.

but i wouldnt want to have a monog rel with a woman who want to have a nonmonog rel!

but i dont like the leftist degens that nonmonog is heavily associated with.

can you be a Reactionary Traditionalist Nonmonog?

well yeah cuz youre a neoreactionary. and a man having several wives is more traditional than women Sleeping Around.

“Dr” Zhana has a PHD IN CASUAL SEX. literally.

yeah, IDEALLY, I know what i want, and that is a traditional monog one man one woman closed long term rel with a decent women where i have feelings like i had for THAT PERSON. but now i need to let those feelings die, and then find a new decent person, AND make sure they are Available, and then plug THEM into that role.

it IS a lot of work and a HUGE investment. almost like a woman having a baby!

it takes a long time for the feelings to come on, and it takes a while for the feelings to fade!

it took 2 years for the feelings to start, maybe it will take 2 years to fade.