whenever i get the urge to contact her, remember, she unfriended me FIRST (and with no accompanying message or explanation or reason why or clarifying thoughts. i was thinking of unfriending her but i would have sent a message saying don’t take this the wrong way, i don’t hate you.); AND she blocked me. meaning she did not want to have any communication NOW or in the FUTURE. so if she wants to open that up, SHE”s gotta be the one to do it. I have no power to come to her and apologize and beg her to change her mind. ive already apologized and begged all i can, and it didn’t get me anywhere. it might have made her more hateful of me.

yeah i was a bit weird and supplicating but i didn’t think it was fair for her to HATE me for it!

but this is how women were designed by nature! i cant have my cake and eat it too! i can be angry at them for defying nature, by acting like No Productive Cost Men, but i CANT be angry at them for being Super Contemptuous of Weak Supplicating Beta Men! this is just how women are wired!

well, woman 2012 dumped me in a much nicer way! so there!

but she was herself kinda weird?

well, woman2004 dumped me better?

but i was more alpha waaayyyyy back then?

see how i come up with excuses to NOT defend myself? this is some kind of distortion for sure.

but yeah i am angry. i had a decent paying job that i wanted to quit so bad but i FOUGHT my way through every day and survived and came out the other end. learned how to do a RIDICULOUS job without quitting. and then i got crazy because of a damn WOMAN and quit the job and ruin my own life because i can’t handle my emotions about WOMEN. and women do this kind of shit ALL THE TIME. it’s the MANS responsibility to learn how to deal with it. women are like fooking LAND MINES, ticking time bombs, stay the FOOK away from them because if you don’t know how to deal with them you can ruin your own life. you cant even blame them for being a bitch because many guys deal with it better.

well i shouldnt have fallen so deeply in luv with her to begin with. i should have always tried to MATCH her, but not go ABOVE that.

i should have obviously been a confident alpha male and talked her to directly when things started getting real weird, or just been SPINNING PLATES ie banging several broads at the same time like cool alpha men do.

it seems like a lot of work an effort, ie to actually spin a plate is not easy or fun, but i guess to these alpha males it must not be that hard, because the pros outweigh the cons, or else they wouldn’t keep doing it. and would just say fook this shit and quit. like i did for my job. but there the cons of working with HER outweighed the pros of me finally started to Turn The Tide in the Constant War of my job.

whenever i look at job postings im like “I COULDNT DO THIS. I CANT DO THIS.” i would be an impostor not knowing what i was doing, looking like an overwhelmed idiot, just like at my old job. and reading the damn postings my first thought is to cry like a bitch, because i cant handle or do basic entry-level jobs, i will never make 15dah like the kids many years younger than me, i wasted my whole 20s hahahahaha. with severe underemployment and even severer underwomen hahahaha. i was gonna say undersexed but i don’t really care about getting sex NEARLY as much as i care about getting cuddles and luv and rels and warmth, of which sex is only a PART, and not the MAIN part. not a goal unto itself. those other things are the goal. that whole package. whatever you call it, i am severely under on it hahaha.

did you know that on the job training is a benefit? many jobs do not even provide on the job training. and OJT simply means you are put into situation where you look like an idiot and have to scramble to ask somebody for help RIGHT NOW and they get mad at you. so whats the alternative to OJT? SELF TRAINING AFTER THE SHIFT. that what i do.

wow jobs suck. all jobs suck. all jobs push you to the limit so that you are always on the verge of a nervous breakdown and threatening to quit. my company was actually pretty GOOD. just that i couldn’t handle THAT PERSON. O GOD. we used to get along SO WELL. and now she will move on and improve her life, and i will continue to fall behind. why couldn’t she have just been willing and able to Share Her Life with me. now her life will improve and mine will get worse. i cant support myself on these god damn 8 dah jobs!!!!!!! with no training! always pushed to the limit! being forced to scam customers to save money! i don’t want to scam people!!!! i don’t want to be abused and bullied and harassed all day! i just want to do a JOB. tell me what to do and ill do it. but many/most jobs are not well-defined at all. it is stupid WEIRD PROBLEM SOLVING all day, where its better to do a shitty solution quickly, than a good solution. god damn.

did a 5 miler, that was ok.

looked at jobs in the morning, that was rough. the best i found was a damn 10 dollar an hour warehouse job.

so internal customers are better than external customers. and I was dealing with only internal customers!!!! but i really didn’t like the call center. AND the constant sense that i didn’t know what i was doing. trying to walk callers through stuff where i didn’t know what i was doing. people calling me to fix their problems, when i knew LESS about things than THEY did. I just had to be THAT much sharper than they were.

shit i might even reapply there if i know SHE is gone. she’ll probably be moving UP in her damn career within a year, then shell be making like 18 DAH hahahaha. god damn i HATE the idea of her being more successful than me. she is 8 years younger than me, and less educated than me, and less smart than me, but i have watched her go from being less successful than me, equally successful as me, then rejecting me brutally, then becoming more successful than me. being my superior in the battle of life essentially. all because she is more emotionally stable and can deal with shit better. yet she is less emotionally intelligent! she can just ignore the shitty things she does and keep on improving her life. also her anxiety and worry is not as bad as me. she is always smoking w33d hahahaha what a n199er drug. yet she is way more successful and fast track than me.

i never thought she would treat me so bad. it was so shocking and surprising. i never thought she was capable of something like that. it really rocked my world! and yeah i really STILL can’t see working in the same office as her. i HAD to get out of there.

shit. she was a big source of confidence for me. when things were going well with her, i was more confident. when things went bad with her, my confidence crashed.

i am thankful to have plenty of good people and things in my life, but she was still very very important to me. i didn’t have anyone else playing that role, that is, a female friend who was nice to me (at one point.) this is a different kind of rel than Family or Same Sex Friendship. It was friendship with the Tenderness that only a Decent Woman can bring. so yeah it’s no surprise that I got feelings for her, ESPECIALLY once she Became Single. and it IS surprising that she treated me the way she did, because i didn’t think she was capable of being so cold and callous. to me. i didn’t think she had it in her. i still can’t believe it. which is what tempts me to contact her: do you really realize what you just did? do you realize how bad that was? i don’t think you MEANT to hurt me so much! please take another chance! gimme another chance! please respond im begging you! im sorry for being weird!

it’s not like the WHOLE THING was a fantasy, like it was with All Other Women. we actually had a Real Relationship of sorts. a solid foundation. not a castle built on sand.

BUT she stopped being good to me a long time ago, stopping putting in any effort around jan or feb. at this point i was in denial, didn’t want to believe it, wanted to ignore the bad stuff.

but even when she was being horrible, just seeing her gave me a fix. it was real easy to pretend everything would work out for the best.

well at least i know i would never dump a person like that, and i learned valuable lessons about We Need To Talk about Muh feelings ASAP.

i just hate it when people want to BAIL rather than WORK on things. it’s not like this is a JOB that you just ragequit (although i did that too!). these are peoples HEARTS.

it says you’re not important enough to me, i would rather throw you away than put in any effort. it is crushing to be on the receving end of that.

also, she was very important to me, i was ONCE important to her, and then i went to being SO UNimportant to her, that she just threw me away. it does a number on the confidence and self-esteem hahahaha.

someone built you up, then they break you down. worst “breakup” ever. because it was the most meaningful deepest rel i ever had with a woman ever. that is a big deal. i was closer to her than i was to girls i fooked, i liked her more, knew her better, knew her longer. thats why im so goddam heartbroken. plus this time i dont have alcohol to help me get through it like i did last time i had a Big Heartbreak.

its amazing anybody ever gets over a heartbreak! its in some ways WORSE than a death! because they’re still alive, they’ve just rejected you and removed you from their life with hard feelings!

ive said all this. shit.

in other rels i was never really “downgraded” like this, because i was never upgraded to begin with. here i went from being liked……to being disliked. this hurts alot. when someone likes you, then STOPS liking you. she didnt HAVE to do that.

i thought we at least respected each other as human beings. i certainly did to her. and she used to. just because someone doesnt LIKE LIKE you doesnt mean they HAVE TO stop respecting you as a human being.

i approached her with warmth and kindness. she “approached” me with coldness and ignoring and disdain.

there was really nothing i could do.

dear person, why couldnt you just talk to me. i was devastated. how could you do that to me. you didnt have to like me. i just wish you had treated me like a PERSON, like you USED to. i know i wasnt perfect, i know i didnt communicate the best, but i was trying.

Resolve complex questions and problems usually without help. this exact sentence was in a job description probably for a no more than 15dahj.

i looked for “mental health” jobs and there was one that didnt require a MASTERZ degree and state licensure, and it was like 10 dah and the org was very low rated as incompetent and sucky and a horrible place for staff and patients and there was a video provided by the company where people talked about how hard and ugly the job is, getting attacked and beat every day by completely mentally disabled people, but you do it because you love the work, not because you want to get paid more than 10dah. its a calling. with tender piano music in the soundtrack.

well i would rather get beat by demented people rather than screamed at by Unreasonable Customers!

my former employer got good ratings as a good place to work!

and the people really were not bad! but i seriously cant deal with HER. THAT PERSON.

she unfriended ME.

she blocked ME.

i wrote her BOOKS worth of long emails.

she didn’t respond to these with ONE SINGLE WORD.

how can you do that? isn’t it EASIER just to write one sentence: “stop contacting me. i never want to talk to you ever again.” i think i would have PREFERRED that!

instead i kept sending emails for the next MONTH BEGGING her. and NOTHING from her. not one damn word. not even “stop stalking me weirdo or i will get a restraining order. fook you loser. im gonna get with tyrone hes 90000 times the man you are, virgin loser.  i was disgusted by the idea that you think i was even in your shit league. im a 25 year old gurl. how could i go out with an old bald fat short loser faggy sissy like you. i want a REAL man to fook me GOOD.”

anyway it was terrible for my confidence, which is in turn terrible for my job search. you HAVE to be confident. right now i feel like i cant even do basic jobs. let alone jobs that openly advertise you have to have “INGENUITY” to solve difficult problems WITHOUT HELP.

well fook you, then dont yell at me or fire me when i fook shit up then bitches.

hahaha i wish i was born 40 years ago hahahaha. in my area people were upper working class lifted up By The Unions. I guess this is shitty because the unions got greedy and killed the golden goose? so now the next generation could not get Good Union Manufacturing jobs? that that good living they made was Greedy and Overinflated?

so yeah that Union Upper Working Class, which likes to call itself “THE MIDDLE CLASS” was a big thing in the Modern History of my home area. and now of course its on the decline. but people still manage to do well with their college and trade school. why cant I? because i dont have the initiative, hustle, grit, TOUGHNESS. you have to be TOUGH and i have NEVER been TOUGH. and that has been my downfall.

got my customer service 101 book by eventon? everton? today.