couldnt fall asleep last night, mind racing until like 230 am, and it was racing just like i had my old job. was thinking about systems and how things worked and needing a Manual for the Manual, and how nothing ever made sense, and it was not just frustrating, but downright nerve wracking, because i hated sounding like an idiot who didnt know what i was doing in front of callers.

so you think about 50 different possible cases until you cant think straight any more, THEN you forget basic shit like what year is it, and what the damn alphabet is. i tried saying the alphabet in order (not backwards!) and got a few things wrong. then i thought…..is there even really an order to the alphabet? why does n come after m? would it be such a big deal if it went nmop instead of mnop? the letters dont MEAN anything, its just an arbitrary order of the alphabet song, right???? and then just worrying about my powers of judgment.  this is what was keeping me awake at 2 am. and i was thinking about cases and potential problems and what ifs even though i dont even work there anymore.

i thought damn this is why i partook MJ, to get rid of this. to blow all the thoughts out of my mind and try to get some damn rest. to REBOOT MUH BRAIN. to shut off your brain at the end of the day and go to sleep. becuase you got all day tomorrow to use it again, all day on stupid shit you can barely understand.

it wouldnt be as bad if it werent so urgent. but youve got a caller on hold and you have never heard of their problem before and you have no idea how youre going to fix it….but its your job to fix it, and you just want to do your damn job, but its so difficult!!!!

bringing the shit home to study it ultimately did make me more nervous and anxious, unless i got totally blazed. then i would STILL study for a little bit, but it was easier to turn mind off afterwards.

aaaannnnnddd i got up after a shitty nights sleep and am right back to reading it obsessively, nervously. i dont even HAVE the job anymore.

i had weird dreams but nothing about the woman. thank god.

its ON HER that she did this. i did not act perfectly but i did about the best i could consiering the circumstances and my state. she did not do a damn thing.

i think she is not used to rejecting guys who like her but who she doesnt like. she just doesnt have this social life skill. because she doesnt hang out with a lot of guys (which is good!) and shes only been in rels with guys SHE likes rather than casually fooking guys (which is good) so she’s not USED to being around guys who like her, but whom she has no interest in.

well she’ll certainly get better that at, as she learns to enjoy Being Single and Available and all the attention from Men. she’s gonna have to end up rejecting a lot of men then. and if she rejects them like this, that will reflect very poorly on her. this already reflects very poorly on her.

google how to fake confidence at work

stand up straight, eye contact, smile, dress well, speak clearly and not like youre nervous. great.

recorded voice file of my what to say during interview file. well i stopped at about 3 hours and 45 minutes hahahahaha.

stupid woman. god how could she do that to me. NO i was no angel, i was not blameless, and i learned lessons from my mistakes, but she did a fookload wrong, shit it was at least 60 40 if not 70 30 hahahaha.

hmm some research suggests you remember shit better when you take notes by hand instead of typing them.

anyway yeah i fooked up but she fooked up SO MUCH that it was basically her fault the rel ended. because she WANTED it to end. because she didnt have feelings. fine. jsut treat me with SOME respect. i thought i was entitled to just a LITTLE respect. unbelievable. no shit i was devastated. you would be too. god damn i cant believe my favorite woman could be such a b to me. she was my most important and really only female friend. she was a big deal to me. she meant a lot to me. its prob why i ended up getting feelings for her. when an important person leaves you before youre ready, it HURTS. and i am not talking about two old friends drifting apart over time. i am talking about a long term friendship in the medium stage. i signaled i wanted to step this up, she responded by saying NOOOOOOOO and stepping it down. in hindsight it makes more sense, but i didnt want to accept that she really wanted to be DONE. i just thought it was a rough patch we would work through.

there is a cute girl with a broken arm on jeopardy who looks about 20 years old, so much younger than me, yet she is a “BIOMEDICAL SCIENCE TEACHER.”  wtf does that mean? i mean she looks like she is RIGHT out of college. graduated 2015 at age 21 and move right into a “biomedical science teacher” position as a FTE?  (hahahaha) i know people who are still SUBBING YEARS after getting their teacher degree. oh because they dont have initiative like she does. they didnt go to HARVARD like she did. maybe she does teach for america. protip teach for america is VERY competitive and restricted to students like HARVARD, and the TFA grads do VERY well after finishing that program, getting FT teaching jobs at good schools, or going back to harvard hahahaha.


hmm chapel hill maybe she went to UNC, good school…….or maybe duke: GREAT school hahahaha. or she just got a teaching job in a Good City because she went to Harvard or Oxford hahahahahaha.

its a world you or me will never know, but i got a peek in it when i was young and went to a pretty prestigous college. it was SUPER middle class, like upper middle class, and middle class people came from out of state to establish middle class careers. lots of j00s. lots of phds. i had no idea there was a world like that, and it started my obsession on Status and Class and Rankings and COmpetition and Reputation of Schools and Companies and Cities and Jobs and shit. i was not ready for it, i was kind of overwhelmed, and i failed to make it work for me. shat the bed.

similar with my job, except that was a VERY low status job. and the job was MUCH more overwhelming! it kept me up nights hahahaha.

i wonder if i NEED medicinal MJ to help me sleep. it seemed like i slept better and could turn my mind of work stuff, when i got nice and blazed at the end of the day.

biomedical science teacher, i dont even know what that IS! and this gurl is 10 years younger than me, real overachiever haha.

theoretically she COULD have a masters degree and used that to get a part time teaching job at a real shitty college. but wouldnt she be more the type to just get a phd or work in biomedical industry? this tells me she just really wanted to be a teacher, which is fine. i guess i am just amused that they offer this kind of stuff in high schools, where i assume she is a high school teacher. amused but not surprised. a high end high school would probably have a huge College Pointing STEM emphasis in 2015. have high school classes in biomedical, electrical engineering, petroleum engineering, hahahaha. HIGH SCHOOL! well you got to to compete with the indians and the chicoms hahahaha. who will work for one-sixth the price. so dont get a biomedical engin degree unless you get it from MIT or whatever hahahaha. duke. maybe bang belle knox rough in the face when youre there hahahaha.

i have not watched any pornography in about 3 weeks. it is horribly degrading to women but the real tragedy is THIS IS HOW THEY TREAT THEMSELVES. they thing being used as a cvmdumpster is EMPOWERING. THEY LIKE THIS DEGENERACY.  they see porn and think OOO SECSY. EMPOWERING. the power of womens beautiful sexuality. what a sacred beautiful thing. i am woman hear me roar.

when these are just fatherless whores on drugs getting pimped out by scumbags for money. and getting their asses blown open. just 10 years ago women wouldnt let you stick a finger up their ass. now they applaud girls taking 10 c0x up the ass simulataneous, saying This. Is. Powerful. SExuality. Is. Beautiful. #LoveEquality

google coworkers dont like me




ahahahah i am the office idiot, the office screw up, nobody likes me. that is not a good feeling either cuz people will not help you if they do not LIKE you. and all the experienced people have no respect for the new people. how the hell am i supposed to make it though ANOTHER hellish learning curve at another hellish job?

take valium on the job, get balzed MJ after the job, study every day, study cases, everythign that didnt make sense during the day, make it make sense, train yourself.



had meeting with “shrink”, what did i learn.  that i came a long way and learned a lot of important skills in my job. rose to the challenges. cant take that away from me.

also that confusion is inherent in all workplaces and we have to find a way to deal with it.

also that i have trouble turning my mind off when its time to go to bed and i have been working muh confusing job all day, then come home and study job stuff for hours. then its time to go to bed but i am too worked up to sleep.

also its not all my fault for things ending with woman. that if i were a better person she would have treated me better. nope. shrink said if someone is not even goi


and that my only mistake was investing too much time and effort into something the other person was not investing any time or effort in. but thats not a horrible mistake. its understandable. also shrink confirmed that it wasnt my FAULT for getting FEELINGS, and reiterated you cant choose who you luv. if its something like a family member or something, THEN it would be a problem. but getting feelings for your long term female friend? perfectly normal.

cuz i think she was MAD at me for getting feelings, like how dare he, he was nver really my friend, etc, but this is obv NOT TRUE, but she wasnt gonna give me time to talk about it.

shrink said not to mention anything about a Longterm Personal Relationship during an interview, because it might give them doubts. saw that i was doing a good job, i took leave of absense to take care of personal and family issues, it was a carefully considered decision not without its risks, through careful saving and budgeting and emergency planning i was able to make this decision, and it has nothing to do with my work performance, I was rated highly by my supervisors, feel free to call them, i understand how this can be seen as a red flag, but it had nothing to do with my work performance, I was eligible for rehire, but after resolving my personal and family issues,  I feel I am ready for a new challenge bla bla bla.