well it has been 69 days hahahahah since i last initated contact. things are changing but not necess for the better! i am starting to remember her with anger and disapointment and not favorably.  so she remembers me as someone she hates? what for? she was way more out of line than i was!! so anyway The History Books will view this as her being a Stone Cold Awful Bitch.

BUT the history books will also view me as overreacting like a hysterical, anxious, overemotional beta bitchboi!

still better than a stone cold throwing you away bitch though. but not very proud or masculine either.

BUT….would i want to go back there and see her and deal with her every day?


so i made the right decision then?????

but i also feel crippling despair when looking at job listings and trying to get damn jobs. how do other people do it.

so you are not supposed to compare yourself to others, but when you DO, you prove how weird and different and unhealthy you are. maybe they are not super sucessful but they still manage to survive, maybe pull some slutty pussy hahahahaha.

thinking of ramping up the citalopram from current 20 mg to at least 40 mg, maybe 60, 80, or 100 hahahahah. rev that shit up because i am in the depths of despair and all muh hope is gone. the woman was my main source of hope.

i mean life is still good, i have plenty to be thankful for, but she was very special to me. very very special. i liked her more than i thought i did!!!!

lesson learned: tell them immediately if i have feelings for them. becuase i am so stupidly SENSITIVE to that bullshit that it WILL RUIN my LIFE if i let it get out of control.

now i feel bad because i acted a FOOL, i let myself get so out of control, just because of my feelings, for someone who couldnt care less for me.

i was wrong in my assessment of a persons character, so very wrong. how could i be so wrong? i am always so cautious and pessimistic! well i trusted her once. she just did a damn 180, turned into someone i didnt know any more.

well i WANTED to trust her, to think that she still cared about me enough to talk to me and try to Not Hurt Me So Blatantly.

and i am ashamed and feel like a feel for getting so emotional and anxious that i couldnt do my JOB.

when you think you are going crazy, or having a “nervous breakdown,” youre not really going CRAZY, you are just super stressed and anxious. that’s not CRAZY, thats just garden variety ANXIETY. but its a HUGE amount that makes you shut down or freeze up or run away or give up. i really shoulda just taken half a valium at work, taken a few days off work, rather than quitting. but now i dont want to go back there and face HER.

MAYBE if SHE had handled the dumping better, i would have handled the job better.

or she could have responded to me with something like “dont quit your JOB, dont ruin your life on account of ME, lets you and me meet with the managers one day and see if theres anything we can do. i am sorry your heart is broken.”

although it IS good to be away from her. i dont WANT to see her ever again….unless she changes her mind and wants to GO OUT with me, MONOGAMOUSLY.

no no, bad goyim, monogamy is oppressive and patriarchal and is what allows men to Punch Down From Above from their Privileged Position in the Patriachy, and abuse and keep women down! its like Anudda Shoah for Women! Oy vey! Its like raping women constantly! Yes All Women! Yes All Men Rape Women through the Oppressive Torture and Slavery of Monogamy! Shut it down!

i have been listening to “The Daily Shoah” and “The Merchant Minute” of “The Right” and it is the greatest thing i have heard in years. My Movement might be reaching critical mass. it is an exciting time to be a rightist. and its increasingly ok for white men to come out of the closet and declare being a racist! and arent a bunch of neckbeard neo nazi virgins, but successful normies with careers, gurlfrans, children. well i am kinda jelly of THAT, because i am a neckbeard virgin loser hahahaha and dont DESERVE a good woman for a wife. not until i PROVE myself first. oy vey i dont have the courage.

yeah i could have blurted shit out to her a lot earlier. yes i should have. that was my mistake.

but she could have damn talked to me, wrote me an email, if she wanted to Terminate Our Relationship. i didnt think our chances were GOOD, i wasnt expecting to Be Friends Afterwards. I just wanted to face the conflict Head On and Move Past It without super shitty feelings. certainly failed to do that!

i bet women want monogamy when they are with a super alpha male. they dont want HIM dating anyone else. and as long as they are in luv with him, THEY dont want to date anyone else. it could take them like a damn year to get “grass is greener” syndrome, which with a beta, they will get within 3 months tops. chad thunderc0ck can prevent their wandering eye, mouth, ass, and uterus for longer.

WANDERING UTERUS. thats why men dont trust women!!!!!

so…..i was in the wrong for just not simply accepting someone wanted to dump me without talking to me?

I THINK THATS A RULE. IF YOU WANT TO DUMP SOMEBODY, YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM SOMEHOW. Not necessarily talking in person, but texting, or emailing, or calling, to COMMUNICATE to them, i want out of this.

I didnt want to believe she really wanted out of it, because

  1. she didnt say that explicitly
  2. she kept saying we WOULD hang out someday, and i was desparate to believe it. also someone who wants ot dump you does NOT say you will hang out someday, they say, i want out of this.

if they dont and they say yeah we will hang out someday, thats a lot easier for the desperate person to live in denial and actual believe that bullshit.


had yet ANOTHER dream where she made an appearance, i cant have this. in this one i was sitting around at a Video Store as if i were a teen waiting to be picked up from school, then i saw her, then she walked right by me and did not see me. this was kinda ridiculous as the place was not busy and i had a reasonable expectation that she would see me. she walked right by me and went and sat in an area behind me. i got up and turned around and could see her very easily as the area was behind a glass window. i was convinced that she had seen me and was ignoring me, so i was all angry and butthurt. her hair was dyed like crazy pink or purple or something, never a good sign, only huge bipolar borderline sluts dye their hair super weird colors like that.

i think i said “hello” really loudly and not in a friendly way. she saw me and said hello and went back to texting chad on her phone hahahhaahaha. she said hello but that was it, she was obv not wanting to talk any more. kinda like the super awkward event where i saw her last and then she stopped talking to me altogether. of course there i was a lot friendlier and tried to be friendly as fook. didnt help.

in the dream i was more angry, i dont like being ignored by someone who once was friendly to me. and not over the short term either, like when gurls are friendly to you for like 2 weeks then lose interest, because the world is full of interesting chads. it took her a damn long time to lose interest and that made it even worse when it happened!

anyway i am in a real phase where i am having dreams about her, it really sucks. seems like 2 or 3 dreams a week. just ridiculous.

i wish i could get over her as quickly as she has gotten over me!

and now i am increasingly angry about jobs and careers and shit. she is gonna move up in the career and i am gonna struggle to get back to where i was. where she was. i am super angry and bitter about all that. it is possible i could get a job one day and then she would get hired in as my boss hahahahahah my 8 years younger than me boss. no i am used to all muh tier 2 people being signif younger than me. this is just how it goes when you have failed in life hahahaha. Your Seniors are much younger than you. no joke hahahaha.

and i am way smarter than her!!!!!!!!

she has a pretty good work ethic unfortunately. i say UNfortuantely, because i used to admire that about her but now, like all her good qualities, i envy them because she has rejected me and refused to share these good qualities with me any more.

also the fact that i was much smarter than her allowed me to do better work than her in the recent job. because she would just do a halfass job without being AWARE she was doing a halfass job, beucase thats how complicating and confusing our job was.  and if i told her she was doing a halfass job (i didnt) she would certainly get even bitchier at me, rather than if CHAD told her the same thing!

and also her maintaining longer at that company is only a good thing as far as making that a good stepping stone for her. whereas i basically just committed career suicide! because of a damn woman!!!!! are you kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!

so basically she will be a winner and i will continue to be a winner, even though she cant write a coherent sentence. you should ahve seen HER case notes. they were orders of magnitude many tiers below mine. mine showed an INSANE understanding of the issues and were filled with details, recommendations, and suggestions. hers were like a baby wrote them. a tot. yet she moves up in her career and i move down. fooooooooook. and have dreams abotu her.

what if she has a dream about me? then she goes and moves up in her career and fooks chad. or worse, tyrone hahahahaha.

i would rather her become white trash with mudbabies with deadbeat tyrone absent fatherz, and be condemned to a life of degradation, degeneracy, dissolution, than to become a successful Career Woman!!!!!

none of the women i had feels for ever became huge white trash, in fact most became middle class successful, but if anyone were to become white trash, it would be HER, and now i kinda hope she does!!!!

i feel like she “betrayed” me more than i betrayed her! she became a different person more than i became a different person.

like she let me drown in quicksand! or was on a big ice floe and then i was on a small piece that broke away and slowly floated away.

so my feels for her DID change me a little in how i approached her, i was more mushy and lovey dovey and beta and tender, but i was always nice towards her. so it didnt change how i treated her THAT much. in contrast, she changed the way she treated ME like night and day. once she was nice, now she was mean and cold and distant.

and then you think why they do that, what did i do wrong?

but many times its all on them, why they are distancing from you. you have no influence over it.

be more like chad maybe. but if you are coming to them begging and pleading, what can i do to fix this, how can i change to make you come back to me……..bad news bears.

and they dont tell you anything but give me more space and we might hang out someday.

then you say no YOU gotta do better than that. you meet with me saturday the 15th at 7 pm and we are gonna sit down at the table and TALK about this officially. negotiate. go over terms. draw up a CONTRACT. I will gladly give you one month of space. not enough for you? well i will give you 6 weeks of space if you give me detailed, long emails and a 20 minute voice message every 2 weeks. your need for space does not cancel out your responsibility to communicate. communication is not some bad thing like neediness is. if you want space, you’re gonna have to communicate.

heh. she was the single reason i was able to get into that job. then she left me in the lurch. high and dry.

this one is great too, what an unemployable loser


i got in a super bad mood after reading ask a manager for a while, like oh god i have made a huge mistake, i cant bounce back from this one, i was slowly starting down the path of maybe not being a loser one day, but i got off that path in the worst way, and will now be doomed to being a loser.

had a horrible day yesterday, not so much because of HER, but because of me committing Career Suicide and quitting my job without another one lined up. now that is gonna finally start bothering me hahahaha.

every job sucks, every job is awful, everyone wants to quit their damn job. every job drives you crazy and is super stressful and nerve wracking and you have to be TOUGH to SURVIVE it.

so yeah i basically feel i am NOT TOUGH ENOUGH to deal with life. this sucks hahahaha.

of COURSE i got feelings for her. she was under 30, not ugly, not obese or even slightly overweight, no kids, low number of cox, no tattoos, nice. ANY man would get feelings for her. and i think she is finally starting to enjoy the Attention of Men, that she had not enjoyed before, due to her LTR. but now that she is over that, she is realizing there is a WORLD of men out there who will be Nice to her, help her at her job, buy her things, be her Crying Shoulder, and also the best kind of men, the Chads who would be exciting and fun and secsy. she is finding out what useful idiots men are, and how many there are, and what a Celebrity she is for being young, no kids, and not obese. she can get a lot of utility and maybe even happiness out of men. i could see her becoming a User Of Men. men have abandoned her, why shouldnt she abandon men, and just use them for attention and anything else?

or she could just go on being a nice person and make One Lucky Guy very happy, and never cheat, never abandon again, and this will remain the most hurtful thing she has ever done.

when you feel like youre “going crazy” and cant think straight, its probably just stress and anxiety and not actually going “CRAZY.”