was she so mad at me because she thought i was one of the infamous internet “NICE GUYS” that was trying to be Entitled To Sex By Being Nice? dishonest, disingenuous, ulterior, twofaced, etc? maybe. even though i wasnt. maybe she wasnt mad or hateful at me. maybe she was. maybe she was just overwhelmed and confused. maybe maybe not, i will never know.

why do i care what she thinks?

because when she DUMPED me, i was still in Luv with her, and you CARE what people think about you when you are in Luv with them. When My Luv is gone in a few years, then i wont care what she thought. after she has taken 90 more cox, prob had a few bastard babbys. or she gets promoted 10 times, makes 100k a year, gets respect, then marries a rich charismatic white entrepreneur and they live happily ever and have 4 successful children.

dont contact the person who dumped you. they decided to dump you. you think you can beg them to change their mind?

i mean yeah i have to Risk The Friendship when I  got feelings, I am not one of those WEAK NICE GUYS who wants to “salvage the friendship”. i just thought SOME communication could be had.  it has been 67 days since I initiated contact.

thats what NIC means as opposed to NC. no not “network interface card”. but “not initiated contact.” meaning they can contact you, thats out of your control, and doesnt count against you. yeah. like she would initiate contact with ME. so why should i initiate contact wiht her?

because im still in luv with her!

and today i was angry and thought some angry hateful thoughts i cant say here.

i tried to use mantras of affirmation: i do not love her any more. i feel nothing towards her. i delete her from my memory.

heh. i told her several times that i was NOT a “nice guy”, that i could be a real asshole. I was joking and smirking. this is when we were in speaking terms.

all these instances of “nice guys” being “friendzoned”, their female friends STILL HANG OUT WITH THEM, and the guys sit there, blatantly have feelings, and don’t do anythign about them, even though they HANG OUT REGULARLY AND WATCH TV ON THE COUCH and stuff like that. Shit. I was just trying to get ONE instance of watching tv on teh couch. then i would have totally told her what i was feeling. and or pulled a move like “HEY WANNA TRY CUDDLING”

of course cuddling doesnt mean they like you, nor does full blown secs.

you will have secs with them, think wow that is great, that solidifies our Romantic Relationship, and THEY think wow that was awkward i am never doing THAT again!.


google take valium at work

ah well at least you would have tried having secs and cuddlign with them, then you could hate them more when they dumped you, and blame yourself less!!!!

and be grateful you did not get accused of “regret raep” hahahahaha

oy vey its like anudda shoah, it was like a sexual holocaust in the bedroom, he was too much of a nice goy, it was like shtooping richard simmons

i might have to join an anxiety forum! i found some threads on no more panic dot uk where they talk about job realted stress. its a VERY common thing. oh graet.

as are bullies and assholes in the workplace. well not all assholes are bullies, but all bullies are assholes, and most people at your job are going to be assholes, because the job made them assholes, and all the jobs before them, all the assholes before them. just hope that the assholes managing you are not bullies, and there is at least one asshole coworker you can bribe to help you, who isnt a bully whos gonna throw your weak anxious beta ass under the bus.

well many anxious types seem to agree you can take 1 or 2 mg of valium on the job.

i really should have done that, but i was worried about being able to concentrate, and that i might seem drunk or drugged.

yep it just is like a death. once you had something pretty special…..now you have NOTHING. and they are alive and loving life without you, they dont give a DAMN about you. but they once did. you had to have done something to make them stop caring about you! being a weak inferior contemptuous beta weakling.

but when your job always wears you down into a weakling…..

well her being AT the job was a big deal. if i just worked the job and she were not there, then we would have to hang out to talk. and at those times i could probably forget that job made me a nervous wreck, and pretend to be confident and shit.

maybe she can lose the job and come crying to me for moral support. hahahaha. but no that would imply that i Added Any Value to her life.

it is very confidence killing to know that at one time you added value to a persons life…..now you dont. now they would rather have you out of their life, than in it. thats how bad you suck.

well without her BEING THERE i prob could have survived the job. well i DEF could have. so that is a good thing to keep in mind. i can survive a very stressful stupid job.

how do you fall out of love with somebody? how do you eat an elephant? ONE BITE AT A TIME. one day at a time, no contact. and mantras trying to train your brain “I dont love her anymore. I feel nothing for her.”

apparently you are not supposed to use the word no or dont, so its better to say “i feel indifferent or i feel nothing” i dunno.

shit. its just STUPID how somehow can throw you away. its valid if you want to get out of the rel, that was a risk i was willing to take, but i had NOT prepared for being thrown away. i just never saw it coming. i didnt think she would do THAT. i thought for SURE we would have some sort of talk, that she cared enough about me to do THAT. i hate being wrong about thinking somebody cared for me, when they didnt. well maybe she still did, but she was conflicted. but if i convince myself she cared about me, then i could convince myself to contact her, and i dont want to do that!!!!!

so if she hates me, that sucks because it means its all my fault, i was defective.

if she doesnt hate me, it means i have a chance.

see how i made it into a horrible catch 22?

looked at some jobs. it was god damn horrible.

i will never get a job that pays as much as the one i QUIT because i couldnt handle a GURL and some job STRESS.

i will never find another woman that i get along with as well as her, who is as high quality as her. she was young, attractive, virtuous, nice. never again. wawawawawawawawaw.


why would i want to be with someone who THREW ME AWAY?

because i luv them and it takes a long time of No Contact for the luv to die.

How come women can have their luv die very quickly? not that she “loved” me but she did have positive feelings for me at one time, and now she has nothing. oh god i wish i could have NO feelings for her!

just assume all women are Sluts until proven otherwise, cuz most are. doesnt mean you have to abuse them, but dont give them too much respect either. i assumed SHE was a slut until she proved otherwise. and she proved she wasnt. good for her. still didnt mean she wouldnt cause me unbeleiveable pain. it just meant she met one of my Dating Criteria and was probably a Virtuous person. not too virtuous to me in the end though.


but she didnt MEAN to hurt me!!! those are MY feelings and I am reponsible for them!

yeah well then all those skool shooters never MEAN To hurt anyone!

well yes they do.

well she didnt MEAN to hurt me, but she sure as hell didnt DO the things that she could have done to make it less hurtful!!!!!

did a 2.8 miler

my fear regarding jobs is that i will be thrown into a position where i dont know what to do, and asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness, that you’re not learning fast enough, you dont show enough initiative to teach yourself how to do shit, YOU NEED TOO MUCH HELP, you’re not getting it fast enough, god arent you smart enough to just figure it out?

and then you get flustered and look like an idiot in front of your client/customer and you cant get someone else to help you.

this shit happened ALL THE TIME at my job, in fact, that practically WAS the job: “explaining things you dont understand; muddling through things you didnt really know how to do; throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.” and all that CONFUSION and uncertainty and people not knowing what’s going on, what caused it, how to fix it, or how to prevent it, was very stressful. how do i keep this from happening again? uh i dont know. you might not be able to . call us back if it does and make sure the error is on the screen.

are the software developers even aware of this? welp this particular one isnt on The Big List but it might be on the unofficial list…..and basically everything on the unofficial list is long term so it wont get fixed for 3 months at LEAST.

i was just unused to situations where you had to throw up your hands and let customers walk, because it cost more to fix their problems than they were paying. so to me and to the callers, it looked like the company was not serious about their customers, we dont want to take your money, take your money to our competitors. well it made more sense once i understood the reason we didnt want their money.

i mean if we could take their money and NOT fix shit, even better. NO GIVSIES BACKSIES ya dumb goy!

and to see The Beautiful Friendship I once had with Her…..and now she’s one of THEM, just another asshole at the company. mother fooker. and she will handily find a better job, while i struggle to find a WORSE job, while she is way younger and way less educated than me hahahahahahaha. i have 190 credit hours of college waawawawawawaw i deserve a 15DAJH wawawawawawawaw i deserve an upper working class job and a wife and kids wawawawawawawawa

also i was jealous that she could deal with the stress of the job better. she had no problem being wrong about shit and telling people sorry nothing we can do, even when there WAS! i was technically the better worker than her, or at least the smarter one and more deserving of a promotion, because i cared about the big picture, and the small picture as well. i was really starting to understand shit, when that was the mark of a Good Employee, cuz they deliberately made it hard to understand shit, so you really had to WORK to understand. however i of course burnt myself out. and its stupid that they make shit all ESOTERIC and intentionally MORE confusing than it ALREADY IS! the default is super confusing and then the company makes your job even MORE confusing. I resented that. rightfully!!!!!