that you are a terrible person, who did something terrible, to force the person to dump you in such a terrible way.

it is very bad for the confidence of a secure normie. it is DEVASTATING for somebody who is not super secure/confident. you always want to blame yourself. WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO BAD? you think you HAD to. that nobody would dump a person like this if they didn’t deserve it.

ESPECIALLY if that person didn’t seem like the type to do something like that ever. and she didn’t seem like that. so yeah i blamed myself. i was too this or too that.


” Texting is easier than having a face to face conversation because you aren’t directly confronted with the other person’s emotions. Because of this, sending a text may seem like the easiest way of telling the former man of your dreams that your relationship has become a nightmare, but ending it with a text message tells him that what you once shared means so little to you now that he isn’t even worth a phone call.

there’s also one on AVOIDING as well.

this is coming from a super girly source too. even women think this is bad. theoretically.


medical experts at webmd advise Teens to break up in person, don’t do a text, you want to avoid “arguments and tears” so you’re tempted to avoid them, but dont do it! that is very disrespectful and even more hurtful! (i concur. i would have LIKED even a text!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


even shitlords at huffpo say DONT “become invisible.”

eh. its been about…..115 days since we “broke up” and about 85 days since i sent the last email.

maybe when she Like Likes a guy, she DOES have sex with him without even knowing him, within 1 month or less of meeting him, like all the other average damn whores hahahahahaha.

but yeah we actually had something special for a while. from about….. i dunno, how about summer 2013 to fall 2014. even though things were good at the very beginning, it takes TIME to really get to know and trust somebody; also near the end, she had just checked out and i didn’t want to believe it.


basically every expert or pseudo expert says dont text them, dont avoid them, try to be nice and not hurt their feelings, because why would you want to hurt someone? you wouldnt want to be hurt. put yourself in their shoes! empathize!



they start mentioning the research study

” University of Kansas psychologists Tara Collins and Omri Gillath conducted a series of studies to test out a 7-strategy relationship breakup measure and then, in turn, to examine which strategies worked more effectively than others”

” In general, if you were to pick the best relationship-ending strategy, it would be open confrontation, and if you wanted to pick the worst, it would be either avoidance/withdrawal or distant/mediated communication. ”




oh lord gillaths psych lab on intimate relationships, should been a phd student at kansas hahahaha


the actual paper mentioned, gillath collins 2012


decent article from the rel “Experts” at eharmony

“While breaking up can be awkward, if you keep your boyfriend or girlfriend around just because you dread the breakup conversation, then you’re just going to wind up becoming bitter toward this person for not taking the hint. She might fool herself [himself hahaha] for quite a while that the relationship is working because she’s blinded by love (or fear).”

good job guys.

so yeah i keep hoping she will see the light and come back to me and say im sooo sorry i was soooo wrong, but that is extremely unlikely, that never happens, she is probably enjoying life and getting fooked by exciting guys she just met. this is what women call ADVENTURE and EXCITEMENT and not being BORING. is code for they want to be a huge slut and ABUSE AND DEFILE the Natural Function of their Babymaker.

why cant i be a slut? because you can get pregnant, and pregnant is a big fookin deal, YOU IGNORANT SLUT!

women are so brainwashed/stupid they dont even realize that getting pregnant is a big deal.

i think this is a consequence of feminist marxist brainwashing and also wide availability of the pill and abortionz. if you took away abortionz, women would be a LOT more SCARED of getting pregnant, and they WOULD be less slutty.

yeah it sucks that we have to manipulate them through FEAR….but i don’t think anything else would WORK!

was i needy? yeah a little. i was texting more and inviting more. but i WAS trying to limit myself so as not to be NEEDY. and i dont think its NEEDY to want to TALK. however i should have just said WE NEED TO TALK. usually that means someone is gonna get broken up with. if i had said that, she prob would have dumped me right then and there. but at least it would be talked about, and would happen sooner rather than later.

but yeah i just have a type, i like women in their 20s with long legs and pale untanned pasty white skin. and nice Apple Bottoms on their long legs. long legs usually go along with long arms and long fingers. i just really dont like stumpy legs, arms, fingers. is that such a problem. BUT THATS SEXIST, YOU SHITLORD!!!! that is a form of RAEP towards non body normative wxmxn identified!!!

heres my jewish buddy dr omri gillath phd on youtube giving a lecture hahahaha he does not have a lot of vidyas

oh god a tedx talk on marriage 2.0 by a woman, certainly she must be advocating ((((((( POLYAMORY )))))))) hahahahaha.  take all the dicks! abort all the babeez! no im not sure what she says. i actually want to listen to this one.

so yeah. i still want her to Come Back; which still tempts me to contact her and beg her to come back. of course i know that is a terrible idea! but i wish i would stop WANTING this, just ERASE her from my mind altogether. damn.

if i made a new female friend who was even better than she was, i wouldnt be able to get feelings for her……because my feelings for THAT PERSON are not OVER yet. i have not gotten over her yet. and you cant have feelings for a new person, NO MATTER HOW AWESOME THEY ARE, until you have gotten over the previous person.

that was partially why i did not get feeligns for HER right away!

its just simply hard living life without her becuase she was so important to me. a big part of my life. and i told her, gave her big hints, specifically telling her in writing in december 2014 at the latest: “you are very important to me, i care about you a lot, we have been friends for a while now, and i only appreciate you more and more, i hope we can become even closer in the future, and spend more time together. you mean a lot to me and are one of my favorite people.”

i told her that in december 2014. in writing. in a ridiculous crimmus card. that i think she said made her cry. whoopee. anyway i laid it on pretty thick there, didnt come right out and say “I LIKE YOU” but i had never really said things like that to her before, so it was clear there was a change, that i was putting more into the rel. so i wish she had responded to these ideas at all. like if she said “I FEEL THE SAME WAY!!!!” that would be a very good sign.

she could have also said “does this mean you like like me? lets talk about this. it looks and feels like things are changing. lets hang out over crimmus away from stupid work and have a nice heart to heart talk” hahahahahaha

people get FIRED ALL THE TIME even when they are working their hardest, because they cant meet ridiculous demands from management. produce more and more and more with no training. oops, not good enough, youre fired. your best isnt good enough.


had a weird but not horrible dream, where i and some friends had won a vacation to what seemed to be a super luxurious hotel resort in vegas or something. not the type of thing i really care about, but it was interesting and not unpleasant. the main thing i remember is that bob dylan was just hanging out in like a kiosk in the middle of a stream of people, and he played a version of a newer song, not sure what, or if it was even a song, in bob dylan style, and nobody recognized it, but he looked right at me and winked and pointed at me, because he knew i knew what the song was. then i went around boasting that bob dylan had pointed at me.

weird because im not a huge bob dylan fan. OR a modern music fan. so if he played a cover of a modern song, i would prob not know it. plus people usually do covers of bob dylans songs, not the other way around. this made no sense. UNLESS bob dylan is a symbol of another Elder Statesman Iconic Singer Songwriter, which was the Big Event which was the last time i talked to That Person. now this person i like much more than bob dylan. and i remember a story where this person played a cover version of some retarded top 10 song last year.

now ive always liked this artist and always will, but unfort have to take a break from him because he reminds me too much of HER. and i am kinda mad at HER for ruining HIM for me. how ridiculous. my rel with HER essentially ended at a concert of a very iconic singer songwriter. not bob dylan tho hahahahahahaha. but a guy who came like 5 or 7 years after dylan.

hey if you want to get out of this rel, TELL ME. i obviously DONT want to get out of the rel, thats why I keep trying to make it work.

women dump you because they get in an argument with you and it never occurs to them that you can work it out by talking about it, trying to compromise. theyd rather throw you away and pick someone else. its PAINFUL to be DISPOSED OF and REPLACED like that. you might not be super awesome like drake or whatever, but you know you’re not THAT shitty!

no i hate drake hes a huge n199er f4990t hahahahaha.

heh i looked up the place my male friend from the job worked at before, and he said it sucked and the current place was better, which i found hard to believe, but sure enough there was like 15 google reviews saying “THIS IS THE WORST PLACE EVER, TERRIBLE SERVICE, THEY ARE INCOMPETENT, GIVE US LAME EXCUSES, DONT DO THEIR JOB, NEVER RETURN CALLS OF EMAILS. WORST COMPANY EVER.” i noticed they were hiring for a job that looked like his old job hahahahahaha. what do you do when your company doesnt want to be held accountable? he said he was pretty much told to like or make up stories for the callers and he didnt like that and i dont blame him!

its amazing that businesses can be run like this and dont go out of business QUICKLY. maybe its a front for black market money laundering hahahahaha. that would be one logical explanation. cuz they sure dont seem to be providing value for their customers.

angry customers, who are RIGHTFULLY angry, and you just blow them off, pass the buck, dodge all accountability, becuase everyone from top to bottom is incompetent, and no one is accountable. just put the lowest people in impossible position, fire them, force them to quit, hire another lost soul like me hahahahaha.

google how to lie to a customer hahahahahaha


customers lie; customer service people lie; everybody lies;


” i lie to customers all day every day, because that is what the job requires me to do” yikes




did a 5 miler

yeah i was def OVERBEARING and too INTENSE and too much to HANDLE and too NEEDY to her, so it makes sense that she was overwhlemed and didnt know how to handle me, didnt want to handle me, just wanted to avoid the situation and hope it went away in time.

why was i so intense and needy to her?

because i was in LUV with her!

why was i in luv with her?

because i knew and trusted her and had a foundation with her and she was very special and important to me. i valued her.

why did i know and trust and value her?

because we had been friends for a long time.

why had we been friends for long time?

because we got along well and very naturally.

why did we get along well?

becuase we were on the same page and had a lot of similarities.

why were we on the same page?

i dunno, because we had similar values and similar personalities. now it starts getting circular.

so basically the root cause is, we were SIMILAR. we had a lot in COMMON. we could relate to each other very easily.

and then that stopped.

well i dont think we STOPPED having a lot in common! we still had a lot in COMMON, she just didnt want me to be in love with her. fine thats fair.

and yeah i didnt need to luv her SO MUCH…..but i have always been desperate to luv a woman, to get a gf, etc.

but yeah i dont think she MEANT to THROW ME AWAY, she jsut wanted to AVOID me because she didnt know how to DEAL with my intensity. but it still FELT like getting thrown away! and that hurts intensely!!!!!!

i could have reduced the intensity by just _________________ . you guessed it, BLURTING IT OUT MONTHS EARLIER. ABOUT 5 MONTHS EARLIER EVEN. 150 days.

but yeah i read stuff i wrote before the big change, and i wish i could go back to those simple peaceful days. i truly did not have deeper feelings, it was totally not killing me, i thought about her sometimes but not a lot, i wanted to Bang other women. then i started wondering well why NOT, why am i NOT attracted to her? then she became single and started dating a new guy, and then i had damn feelings and everything changed and now i CANT STOP thinking about her. before i fell in luv i NEVER thought about her this much.

i wonder if she will find a good man and get married to him, of course she certainly COULD, ALL women CAN before they get too damn OLD. or will she do what her mother did and have dramatic, not very long relationships with The Wrong Type Of Men. Deadbeat Badboiz. well, she (That Person) had a long rel with kinda a badboi. where she luved him more than he luved her. but he never cheated i dont think. he was just distant and not very luving.

like why do not companies fix the equipment their workers need to get the job done? like have not enough forklifts, or broken down forklifts, in the LTL less than truckload distribution centers where pallets need to be moved in and out of truck trailers. they do not want to spend the money to fix a lightbulb let alone a TRUCK that is FALLING APART. because it COSTS MONEY to FIX YOUR EQUIPMENT. holy shit. its stuff like this that makes me furious.

i have no idea how companies like this can stay in business, how their customers dont leave them for the competition. cuz this company treats their employees like shit too of course.

today i thought of another woman i used to work with and how she was attractive, in her 20s, and i wouldnt mind banging her. then i thought, wow, just a young womans naked bod pressed up against me would be good, BUT it could also trick muh oxytocin into firing up and getting feelings. i blame the oxytocin. how can you kill your oxytocin.


so, have S with a lot of women then.

however that is hard to do for a man! only a few top alpha men like roosh v are actually TIRED of banging TOO MANY cute young gurls!

roosh has got it all out of his system and he is FINALLY focusing on more important things, like The Future Of The West. He only had to bang 9000000000000000 cute young girls to get there!

i only had to bang 1 hahahaha. and get muh heart totally REKT a number of times.

ive never worked a proper POS cash register, just the shittiest cash register. i never had to count muh own cash register, i never even had a computerized POS that had credit and debit cards, shit. so now i am using google to train myself SELF TRAIN on how to do a pos.

MW, MGTOW video i seem to have overlooked

Todd Magnusson 1 year ago (edited)
I don’t think MGTOW is extremely bad, but not an end all-be all for “red pill” men.

I got to give it to Rollo in his book The Rational Male, 12 years of research and he nails it down pretty well— The problem is primarily male and social imprinted. We let ourselves believe women are romantic as men. Men saying to a girl “you are so romantic,” said no man ever. The belief that women share the level of idealization of their partner that men do is far from reality. I know this first hand because the first girl I ever loved to my core, was the one I loved more than myself, and even a decade later still love deep down, but the truth is its a delusional pursuit. Loving a girl more then yourself is like putting the cart before the horse. Girls and women want to be lead, want things to be asserted, not do lead and be asserting.

Men must hold themselves higher, never get too comfortable, never sell their dignity down the river, never give all their heart to a woman. Their always has to be plates spinning, and I think some men just don’t feel the effort is worth it, and frankly I don’t blame them, most women aren’t worth it. No man enjoys always “keeping frame.” That is why there is MGTOW.  ”

yeah buddy




whenever i get the urge to contact her, remember, she unfriended me FIRST (and with no accompanying message or explanation or reason why or clarifying thoughts. i was thinking of unfriending her but i would have sent a message saying don’t take this the wrong way, i don’t hate you.); AND she blocked me. meaning she did not want to have any communication NOW or in the FUTURE. so if she wants to open that up, SHE”s gotta be the one to do it. I have no power to come to her and apologize and beg her to change her mind. ive already apologized and begged all i can, and it didn’t get me anywhere. it might have made her more hateful of me.

yeah i was a bit weird and supplicating but i didn’t think it was fair for her to HATE me for it!

but this is how women were designed by nature! i cant have my cake and eat it too! i can be angry at them for defying nature, by acting like No Productive Cost Men, but i CANT be angry at them for being Super Contemptuous of Weak Supplicating Beta Men! this is just how women are wired!

well, woman 2012 dumped me in a much nicer way! so there!

but she was herself kinda weird?

well, woman2004 dumped me better?

but i was more alpha waaayyyyy back then?

see how i come up with excuses to NOT defend myself? this is some kind of distortion for sure.

but yeah i am angry. i had a decent paying job that i wanted to quit so bad but i FOUGHT my way through every day and survived and came out the other end. learned how to do a RIDICULOUS job without quitting. and then i got crazy because of a damn WOMAN and quit the job and ruin my own life because i can’t handle my emotions about WOMEN. and women do this kind of shit ALL THE TIME. it’s the MANS responsibility to learn how to deal with it. women are like fooking LAND MINES, ticking time bombs, stay the FOOK away from them because if you don’t know how to deal with them you can ruin your own life. you cant even blame them for being a bitch because many guys deal with it better.

well i shouldnt have fallen so deeply in luv with her to begin with. i should have always tried to MATCH her, but not go ABOVE that.

i should have obviously been a confident alpha male and talked her to directly when things started getting real weird, or just been SPINNING PLATES ie banging several broads at the same time like cool alpha men do.

it seems like a lot of work an effort, ie to actually spin a plate is not easy or fun, but i guess to these alpha males it must not be that hard, because the pros outweigh the cons, or else they wouldn’t keep doing it. and would just say fook this shit and quit. like i did for my job. but there the cons of working with HER outweighed the pros of me finally started to Turn The Tide in the Constant War of my job.

whenever i look at job postings im like “I COULDNT DO THIS. I CANT DO THIS.” i would be an impostor not knowing what i was doing, looking like an overwhelmed idiot, just like at my old job. and reading the damn postings my first thought is to cry like a bitch, because i cant handle or do basic entry-level jobs, i will never make 15dah like the kids many years younger than me, i wasted my whole 20s hahahahaha. with severe underemployment and even severer underwomen hahahaha. i was gonna say undersexed but i don’t really care about getting sex NEARLY as much as i care about getting cuddles and luv and rels and warmth, of which sex is only a PART, and not the MAIN part. not a goal unto itself. those other things are the goal. that whole package. whatever you call it, i am severely under on it hahaha.

did you know that on the job training is a benefit? many jobs do not even provide on the job training. and OJT simply means you are put into situation where you look like an idiot and have to scramble to ask somebody for help RIGHT NOW and they get mad at you. so whats the alternative to OJT? SELF TRAINING AFTER THE SHIFT. that what i do.

wow jobs suck. all jobs suck. all jobs push you to the limit so that you are always on the verge of a nervous breakdown and threatening to quit. my company was actually pretty GOOD. just that i couldn’t handle THAT PERSON. O GOD. we used to get along SO WELL. and now she will move on and improve her life, and i will continue to fall behind. why couldn’t she have just been willing and able to Share Her Life with me. now her life will improve and mine will get worse. i cant support myself on these god damn 8 dah jobs!!!!!!! with no training! always pushed to the limit! being forced to scam customers to save money! i don’t want to scam people!!!! i don’t want to be abused and bullied and harassed all day! i just want to do a JOB. tell me what to do and ill do it. but many/most jobs are not well-defined at all. it is stupid WEIRD PROBLEM SOLVING all day, where its better to do a shitty solution quickly, than a good solution. god damn.

did a 5 miler, that was ok.

looked at jobs in the morning, that was rough. the best i found was a damn 10 dollar an hour warehouse job.

so internal customers are better than external customers. and I was dealing with only internal customers!!!! but i really didn’t like the call center. AND the constant sense that i didn’t know what i was doing. trying to walk callers through stuff where i didn’t know what i was doing. people calling me to fix their problems, when i knew LESS about things than THEY did. I just had to be THAT much sharper than they were.

shit i might even reapply there if i know SHE is gone. she’ll probably be moving UP in her damn career within a year, then shell be making like 18 DAH hahahaha. god damn i HATE the idea of her being more successful than me. she is 8 years younger than me, and less educated than me, and less smart than me, but i have watched her go from being less successful than me, equally successful as me, then rejecting me brutally, then becoming more successful than me. being my superior in the battle of life essentially. all because she is more emotionally stable and can deal with shit better. yet she is less emotionally intelligent! she can just ignore the shitty things she does and keep on improving her life. also her anxiety and worry is not as bad as me. she is always smoking w33d hahahaha what a n199er drug. yet she is way more successful and fast track than me.

i never thought she would treat me so bad. it was so shocking and surprising. i never thought she was capable of something like that. it really rocked my world! and yeah i really STILL can’t see working in the same office as her. i HAD to get out of there.


shit. she was a big source of confidence for me. when things were going well with her, i was more confident. when things went bad with her, my confidence crashed.

i am thankful to have plenty of good people and things in my life, but she was still very very important to me. i didn’t have anyone else playing that role, that is, a female friend who was nice to me (at one point.) this is a different kind of rel than Family or Same Sex Friendship. It was friendship with the Tenderness that only a Decent Woman can bring. so yeah it’s no surprise that I got feelings for her, ESPECIALLY once she Became Single. and it IS surprising that she treated me the way she did, because i didn’t think she was capable of being so cold and callous. to me. i didn’t think she had it in her. i still can’t believe it. which is what tempts me to contact her: do you really realize what you just did? do you realize how bad that was? i don’t think you MEANT to hurt me so much! please take another chance! gimme another chance! please respond im begging you! im sorry for being weird!

it’s not like the WHOLE THING was a fantasy, like it was with All Other Women. we actually had a Real Relationship of sorts. a solid foundation. not a castle built on sand.

BUT she stopped being good to me a long time ago, stopping putting in any effort around jan or feb. at this point i was in denial, didn’t want to believe it, wanted to ignore the bad stuff.

but even when she was being horrible, just seeing her gave me a fix. it was real easy to pretend everything would work out for the best.

well at least i know i would never dump a person like that, and i learned valuable lessons about We Need To Talk about Muh feelings ASAP.

i just hate it when people want to BAIL rather than WORK on things. it’s not like this is a JOB that you just ragequit (although i did that too!). these are peoples HEARTS.

it says you’re not important enough to me, i would rather throw you away than put in any effort. it is crushing to be on the receving end of that.

also, she was very important to me, i was ONCE important to her, and then i went to being SO UNimportant to her, that she just threw me away. it does a number on the confidence and self-esteem hahahaha.

someone built you up, then they break you down. worst “breakup” ever. because it was the most meaningful deepest rel i ever had with a woman ever. that is a big deal. i was closer to her than i was to girls i fooked, i liked her more, knew her better, knew her longer. thats why im so goddam heartbroken. plus this time i dont have alcohol to help me get through it like i did last time i had a Big Heartbreak.

its amazing anybody ever gets over a heartbreak! its in some ways WORSE than a death! because they’re still alive, they’ve just rejected you and removed you from their life with hard feelings!

ive said all this. shit.

in other rels i was never really “downgraded” like this, because i was never upgraded to begin with. here i went from being liked……to being disliked. this hurts alot. when someone likes you, then STOPS liking you. she didnt HAVE to do that.

i thought we at least respected each other as human beings. i certainly did to her. and she used to. just because someone doesnt LIKE LIKE you doesnt mean they HAVE TO stop respecting you as a human being.

i approached her with warmth and kindness. she “approached” me with coldness and ignoring and disdain.

there was really nothing i could do.

dear person, why couldnt you just talk to me. i was devastated. how could you do that to me. you didnt have to like me. i just wish you had treated me like a PERSON, like you USED to. i know i wasnt perfect, i know i didnt communicate the best, but i was trying.

Resolve complex questions and problems usually without help. this exact sentence was in a job description probably for a no more than 15dahj.

i looked for “mental health” jobs and there was one that didnt require a MASTERZ degree and state licensure, and it was like 10 dah and the org was very low rated as incompetent and sucky and a horrible place for staff and patients and there was a video provided by the company where people talked about how hard and ugly the job is, getting attacked and beat every day by completely mentally disabled people, but you do it because you love the work, not because you want to get paid more than 10dah. its a calling. with tender piano music in the soundtrack.

well i would rather get beat by demented people rather than screamed at by Unreasonable Customers!

my former employer got good ratings as a good place to work!

and the people really were not bad! but i seriously cant deal with HER. THAT PERSON.

she unfriended ME.

she blocked ME.

i wrote her BOOKS worth of long emails.

she didn’t respond to these with ONE SINGLE WORD.

how can you do that? isn’t it EASIER just to write one sentence: “stop contacting me. i never want to talk to you ever again.” i think i would have PREFERRED that!

instead i kept sending emails for the next MONTH BEGGING her. and NOTHING from her. not one damn word. not even “stop stalking me weirdo or i will get a restraining order. fook you loser. im gonna get with tyrone hes 90000 times the man you are, virgin loser.  i was disgusted by the idea that you think i was even in your shit league. im a 25 year old gurl. how could i go out with an old bald fat short loser faggy sissy like you. i want a REAL man to fook me GOOD.”

anyway it was terrible for my confidence, which is in turn terrible for my job search. you HAVE to be confident. right now i feel like i cant even do basic jobs. let alone jobs that openly advertise you have to have “INGENUITY” to solve difficult problems WITHOUT HELP.

well fook you, then dont yell at me or fire me when i fook shit up then bitches.

hahaha i wish i was born 40 years ago hahahaha. in my area people were upper working class lifted up By The Unions. I guess this is shitty because the unions got greedy and killed the golden goose? so now the next generation could not get Good Union Manufacturing jobs? that that good living they made was Greedy and Overinflated?

so yeah that Union Upper Working Class, which likes to call itself “THE MIDDLE CLASS” was a big thing in the Modern History of my home area. and now of course its on the decline. but people still manage to do well with their college and trade school. why cant I? because i dont have the initiative, hustle, grit, TOUGHNESS. you have to be TOUGH and i have NEVER been TOUGH. and that has been my downfall.

got my customer service 101 book by eventon? everton? today.




yeah. i dont think i was misrepresentin. cuz even though i admitted that my female friend was good looking, at the beginning, i DIDNT REALLY WANT TO BANG HER. that only came MUCH later. with the feelings. it has to do with the fact that i was getting over somebody else.

and what happens when you are still in process of getting over somebody?

you dont want to BANG ANYBODY ELSE. at least not for me.

whenever i see an attractive woman now, I think, YEAH, she’s attractive, bangable, but i’d still much rather be banging THAT PERSON. she’s not as attractive to me as THAT PERSON. so i guess i’d bang her, but i dont really care, i’m not gonna try, and even as i was banging her, i’d be wishing i were banging THAT PERSON instead.

so you rack your brain trying to think of OTHER PEOPLE to Beat The Meat to, and you CANT. you can think of other attractive women in the SPank Bank sure, but…..you still want THAT PERSON more.

that’s the position i was in when i first met and became friends with That Person. at that time, there was ANOTHER That Person hahahaha. the previous incarnation.

it would be like if i became friends with a pretty young woman right now hahahahaha. but i am certainly not.

so yeah i immediately recognized her as good looking but i didnt really feel it or didnt really care until about 2 years later hahahaha.  then i tried to make my cares KNOWN and DISCUSS them so as not to MISREPRESENT.

shit yeah it was a confusing and weird situation. i had never had this happen to me. i thought it couldnt happen. ie, me get feelings for a female friend. well now i know. it can happen. especially if the female friend is 25 or under, not ugly, and no kids.

but yeah its HARD. usually i dont respect women cuz they have S with guys TOO SOON. wait at least 2 months for gods sakes.

pot kettle maybe because every S partner I’ve have, i havent known them long. i was resentful and uncomfortable having S so soon, but i figured i would regret NOT having S with a cute young woman while they were willing. and that i was absolutely correct about. so i don’t regret having S with them, but i dont respect them for essentially pressuring me to have S so early. but “so early” ie less than 1 month is NORMAL. i am sure That Person will be doing the same, when she meets a guy who is Hot, she will Let Him In before one month.

Dunno i just think people show KNOW and RESPECT each other, and women should not offer SEX until men offer their COMMITMENT.

and also when a man has S with a woman, she should offer her commitment and loyalty.

its not an issue of OWNERSHIP, its an issue of RESPECT and LOYALTY and CHOOSING to be LOYAL to someone you CARE about more than OTHERS.

google whitest city in brazil, whitest city in chile hahahahaha

argentina and uruguay are said by pro white internet forums to be the whitest countries in south america

just want someplace warm and white hahahahaha.

maybe i would race mix with somebody as high as 25% nonwhite hahahaha.

as long as they were 25 or under and good looking.

i blame myself for all my failures but do not congratulate myself for my successes! of which there are not many, but the most recent one would be becoming good at my insanely hard job.

but i do blame other people for my failures sometimes too, and fail to take responsibility, such that i have an External Locus of Control, just a victim of the cruel world.

so i think she made a mistake of judgment. but do you think i can be the one to convince her? i can never convince her. plus it would look REALLY creepy if i were to contact her now. plus ive been doing so GOOD. well, not in terms of life, ive been doing horrible. but ive been doing good in terms of not contacting her.

googling why does it take so long for peoplesoft to update. peoplesoft is a very popular human resources type program, its more than just a program, its like an ERP, and i dont really understand what that is, but i can tell you that peoplesoft is very important and a lot of companies use it, including my old company.

new employees need to be “entered in” peoplesoft, their peoplesoft profiles “verified” and “check their peoplesoft and make sure it all looks good”, unfort, hiring managers did not know what that meant, and neither did we. “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh check all their job codes and make sure they have all the job codes they need?”

how do i know which job codes they need?

“uhhhhhhhhhhh youre the manager youre supposed to know? talk to YOUR manager if you dont?”


“uhhhhhhhhhh he was wrong. call HIS manager.”

and noone wants to talk to THEIR manager, let alone their MANAGERS MANAGER!


ok i am gonna try to go to planet fatness and walk on the treadmill. i am worried about the following:

  1. will it be super busy (sunday night) and i have to fight for a treadmill?
  2. will front desk give me a hard time because i dont have a CHECKING account, and i used the member portal to set up my billing with a SAVINGS account?
  3. does the portal link up with the system they see in the store?
  4. would they even know?
  5. planet fatness is run by ASSHOLES so we can assume the franchise owners are assholes, their managers are assholes, and the kids at the bottom will either not know anything, because the assholes dont want to spend the money to train them; or try to bullshit you with bullshit, as they gradually transform into asshoesl themselves;
  6. how do the lockers work? can i put my wallet and keys in a locker?
  7. do they even have showers?
  8. do they have drinking fountains or do i have to bring in my water bottle? i saw a guy before returning to his car, and he took a water bottle out of his trunk, drank from it, put it back in his trunk (boot for UK readers). he did not bring the water inside.
  9. theyve gotta have water fountains right?
  10. will they give me shit if i am on the treadmill for more than 30 minutes? ideally i want to be on it for 2 hours!!

look at that laundry list of worries!

at that consumer complaint website i have heard HORRIBLE things abotu planet fitness, like people getting charged THOUSANDS of dollars because the front desk kid forgot to “submit” their cancellation paperwork; getting tons of hidden charges when trying to cancel.


went to the fatness for 2 hours, it was actually ok.  will get back to that.

slept ok prob because of the physical exercise, good! but had a bit of trouble getting to sleep, thinking about THAT PERSON again of course.

what ate at me last night was this:  she technically threw the first stone by UNFRIENDING ME. sending the clear message she didnt want to be friends anymore. we went to that event, i met her and things were SO awkward, THEN she unfriended me and stopped talking to me at work even though we sat 2 rows apart. wtf???? smh hahahaha.

unfriended me without any verbal explanation i should add. just boom unfriended.

she unfriended me BEFORE i left the job; BEFORE i wrote her the email saying “YES I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU”. she didnt even WAIT for me to unambiguously CONFIRM my feelings before unfriending me, in other words.

this possibly gives insight into her confused mind hahahaha. meaning, she thought, he’s acting SO WEIRD, he’s acting like he LIKES me, like he wants me to be his gurlfran, i can’t take it, its SO WEIRD, i wish he’d JUST STOP and get over this phase already, but he’s not getting any better, i cant take any more, i cant be friends with him if he keeps doing this, and he keeps doing it, so, time to unfriend.

when just 2 weeks prior i wrote her an email begging her to communicate more so we could work on our friendship, i didnt want this to be the end without working on it. i wish she had responded to THAT rather than just unfriending me!!!

so the insight was: i had pushed her to her limit by being SO WEIRD. I tried to get inside her mind:

he’s acting SO WEIRD, like he’s in luv with me or something. that sucks, i wish he wasnt!

maybe its a phase, maybe he’ll get over it automatically in a little while.

oh no he hasnt, this has been going on for months, he just gets worse and worse, he always wants to hang out, i dont WANT to hang out with him if he’s acting so weird and LIKES me! thats not FAIR that he LIKES me! he didnt seem to like me before!! what changed?

well rather than talk to him about it, or respond to that email he sent, i’m just gonna keep avoiding him entirely, unfriend him, and he’s the bad guy for getting these feelings whenever he did. it started getting real bad early 2015. why talk about it ? theres nothing to say. i would say, i dont want you to have feelings for me, please STOP. STOP.  and he’s not stopping. so unfriending is the only way out.

so then I (ME) felt a rush of Self Blame again, like its all my fault.

but it also reaffirmed me that i should NOT contact her, i mean the balls in her court if she wants (and she doesnt!!!) and she rejected ME. she saw my luv and said STOP and she unfriended ME. i already apoligized and begged 1000000 times leading up to that; you think MORE begging and apoligizing is gonna help?

is gonna make her change her MIND? her mind was made up long ago. she didnt want my feeelings, she found them WEIRD, because she didnt have any feelings towards me at all.

however when she had Just Friends feelings towards me, that was kinda intoxicating, cuz she was so nice and tender to me, and I missed getting that from a woman. even if they werent real loving feelings. there was still a tenderness to the friendship feels that you cant get from a man. well maybe you can. like my male work buddy who i felt a good emo connection with. i should hang out with HIM, but he is buys working overtime at that horrible place!!!! plus i would ask him how is SHE doing, cuz he SEES her every day. and i would be unhappy with the answer no matter what: oh she’s a really cool person, we hang out with her now because she’s so cool, you should get over your feelings and just appreciate her as a cool person to be friends with; ORRRRRR i dunno shes kinda shady, she seems to be dating 10 guys at work hhahahahaha and is really cliquey and twofaced and plays people off each other. bad vibes.

SEE? either one would be bad.

also it would be easier to hang out with HIM once i get a new job…..which is taking a LONG time already. fooooook.

ANYWAY i wish she had the EMPATHY to say, yeah i dont like him liking me, it makes him act weird, i wish he would stop……………….but this is just how people act when they like you, its not his fault, thats probably why he wants to hang out every 2 weeks, he probably wants to talk about this, see that email he sent about wanting to communicate. maybe i should just give him the chance to say what he wants to say, if he has feelings, he is prob in a vulnerable state and WONT TAKE WELL TO BEING ANGRILY THROWN AWAY LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT, that would probably DEVASTATE him! so the decent thing to do would be to say IM SORRY, WE HAD a good friendship, but you seem to LIKE me, and I cant do that, so lets peacefully detach. consciously and peacefully uncouple hahahaha.

but noooooo she was like UGH how DARE he get FEELINGS, I bet he was trying to TRICK me from the very beginning 2 years ago, why wont he STOP, he’s the bad guy, he’s a piece of shit, so i’m gonna throw him away like a piece of shit right now! the end.

not a good way for her to handle it! i wish she had handled it like above.

anyway i was just reflecting/OBSESSING/RUMINATING on the timeframe of when exactly she unfriended me. it was after the Awkward Event, but BEFORE I officially TOLD her of my feelings in the email, BEFORE i left the job.

i also thought of why men like asian women, because they are nice, polite, not a huge annoying obnoxious bitch. but im sure the asian women go NUTS once you marry them. either way i am not really into asians and i much prefer women of my own race, but i was thinking how That Person had some of the Positive Qualities men usually look for in Asian Women because supposedly White Women do not have them any more: being nice and polite and pleasant and not obnoxious and chill and not arguing all the time, well behaved basically hahahaha. pleasant to be around and spend time with. showing you warmth and love and appreciation rather than busting your balls all the time and being disloyal as fookin mercenaries.

these are not inherently asian woman things! white women used to be like this! and THAT PERSON was once like that to me! she was a good friend and i liked her style of friendship, with that warmth and shit, it only made SENSE that i wanted to keep THAT going as part of a more intimate rel. i needed those eggs. she gave me a taste of what she was capable of, and i said YESSSSS thats good i really like that, i want more!

so its MY FAULT because I MADE HER FEEL WEIRD. damn.

well she ddnt have to feel WEIRD. how she feels is on her, unless i am specifically setting out to DO HARM to her and make her feel bad. i wasnt. i just got feelings. i showed her the feelings. she thought that was WEIRD. she could say, awww, he has feelings for me now. that sucks for him, but it’s NOT NECESSARILY WEIRD. welp i guess the right thing to do is tell him sorry i dont have feelings for you, i want to let you down easily.


however the Emotionally Immature person finds it easy to assign BLAME when they are feeling weird. well i feel weird because they are BEING WEIRD.

I wasnt BEING WEIRD, I was just having feelings. FEELINGS ARENT WEIRD. they are natural. people have been getting feelings for each other for thousands of years.

its UNFORTUNATE when someone gets one sided feelings. UNFORTUNATE, but NOT WEIRD. she thought it was WEIRD. had she been more Emotionally INtelligent, she would have said…..thats not necess WEIRD, its UNFORTUNATE, because he’s gonna be disappointed, and I have to have a hard talk with him and try to let him down easy.

well she had a lot on her plate and was overwhelmed.


I often forget this fact. When this was about the clearest signal she sent me. this was the clearest communication she gave me.

so this is all the more reason NOT to contact her!

Also the idea that she FELT pushed, more than i was ACTUALLY pushing her.

Like I made sure to decelerate and only ask her to hang out once a week, but she still felt that i WANTED something FROM her, and that made her feel psuhed and pressured. well, it WAS true that i WANTED something from her, but i didnt want to or try to PRESSURE her. I just wanted to talk like damn adults about this new want on my end. i knew full well she might not be able to acomodate that want! ie me having feeligns.

i didnt want to be tricky or deceptive or dsingenuous. and i dont think i was.

i didnt WANT to be WEIRD, but i think i WAS kinda weird. not because the FEELINGS were weird, but when you have feelings and never talk about the elephant in the room……..when you dont talk about elephants in rooms, things get weird!!!!!!!

so whose responsibility is it to say WE NEED TO TALK?

probably mine, because i have the feelings. i’m the one feeling uncomfortable by the elephant.

but SHE was clearly uncomfortable by the elephant too!

but i wanted to maintain the rel, she did not, at that point there was no benefit to HER to talk about the elephant, she didnt care, she jsut wanted to be done.

and that hurts. i wish she had had more consideration to me, that that was gonna hurt me and she would thus handle it in a nicer way. is that too much to ask? was i SO WEIRD i canceled THAT out? i mean i wasnt ENTITLED to anything, but thats just what Nice People Do when they have to Reject a person in that way.

i mean how do girls learn that lesson. probably from their mothers. HOPEFULLY with the input of their fathers. well she doesnt have a father to say “be nice to the poor guy.” and her mother probably said “your feelings are the most important thing. if he is making you feel weird then FOOK THAT CREEP, dump him and never look back, you dont OWE HIM ANYTHING.”

but I met the mother, i sorta got along with her, and i was hoping she would then fight for me a little bit, inasmuch as to say, ya know, he’s not a bad guy, he just likes you, PLEASE think about his feelings and let him down easily, just TALK to him.

so i dont really know how her mother advised her here. it could have gone either way. i am sure the mother has flat out turned her back when dumping men. but mother has a big problem with dating badboiz, and probably dated a few abusers and or deadbeats who really didnt DESERVE nicer than a shitty mean cold dumping.

ITS HAPPENING! the top story on drudge report and probably many us outlets, cnn.com at least, is mizzou president resigns due to WHITE PRIVILEGE. this is a huge big well known university. and its right in my wheelhouse of universities being bastions of Cultural Marxism. well the top guy at the U lost his job because of Cultural Marxism. i dont even know what happened. something like a black football played was targeted by a prankster writing racist words in Faeces on the wall?

well i have no sympathy for univ presidents makeing 300k a year in a combination of public money and cvm guzzling students taking out 50k a year in loans and then have to pay off a an additional 200k in interest on top of their 200k principal; but yeah the opposition is talking about white privilege and internalized Systems Of Oppression in the very first paragraph of their statement.

and supposedly there are tensions between white and blacks at the univ?

RACE WAR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

send them more white gurls to bang, maybe then they will calm down hahahaha. export more white gurls to mizzou. they dont have enough white 18 yo pussy hahahahahahaha. i mean you have to be banging a new 18 yo white gurl every NIGHT in order to be peaceful and not start riots hahahahahahahaha oh i LOVE being a racist!!!!!!!!


a more rightish perspective

meanwhile here is the left perspective, by dave (((ZIRIN))) at the (((NATION))) hahahahahaha that means echoing as in the merchant minute


hahaha really im just jelly of black football players banging tons of 18 yo white girls, i am just butthurt, just like the white pencildick who vandalized the black guys room or whatever. wawawawawawaw i just wish i could et a 18 yo white gurl to make out with me, meanwhile theyre throwing themselves at you, big black bull. probably because you are more manly and exciting and interesting and sexy!

nothing on fox news channel, but all over cnn tv channel. well yeah this is a Big Victory for the Left, and FNC is more Centrist than Left, pretends to be right, appeals to Weak COnservatives, Cuckservatives, and Neocons hahahaha. I am politically savvy hahahahaha.


Dorms for Grownups: A Solution for Lonely Millennials?

hehehehe this is for smart successful millennials who can get tech development jobz, now they can live in dorms and work 100 hours a week but at least be around other people in their age group, rather than friendless virgins. it only works for friendless virgins who are able to get Good and Cool jobs with these Tech Companies hahaha.

Socially Inept Virgins, but have Good Jobs.

i mean if having a good job / money isnt enough to get you friends and pvssy, neither will a dorm with your nerdy male virgin autist coworkers.

“but theyre not making that much money!”

broke down and looked at some pornography for the first time in like 4 weeks. watched a cute young innocent looking girl getting banged. she looked liek a normal cute youngish girl as opposed to a porno slut. like an average amateur cute gurl you see everywhere at skool, work, bar, gym hahahaha. but not church really. these cute gurls are out there. cute gurls are NOT so RARE.

and then of course i was liek damn i wishi could do that with THAT PERSON and her making little O noises and such. so it became very conflicted. so i have no desire to watch porno anytime soon. maybe go another few weeks.

a black graduate student going on a hunger strike and saying das racis can cause the highest “employee” of a university to lose his job. hehehe i should get a black graduate student to hunger strike for THAT PERSON to take me back hahahahahaha and also get me a stress free 15DAHJ hahahaha.

i finished my voice recordings of muh job interview file. it is 20 abotu 20 minute mp3s now. it is 400 minutes of ME TALKING. it is OVER 6 HOURS OF ME TALKING.

that should be good enough to get me a job right.

So I was weird! couldnt you see WHY i was being weird!!!??? You KNEW i liked you! couldnt you see how and why that was making me weird? why did you have to react so negatively to it??!?!?!! you didnt have to be MEAN! you could just say AW IM SORRY but i CANT! not get MAD at me for it! god damn!

now youre gonna go down to Mizzou and make sure those feetzball players are WELL taken care of eh hahahahahaha cuz us white boys are huge pussy faggots who dont know how to be a man.

i wish i had sent her 20 20 minute files, 400 minutes of me talking about my feelings for her and what i wanted from her (not for her to have feelings for me, that would be nice, but i cant ASK that of someone; but i CAN ask them to be nice to me and not heartless to me!!!!! )

she was heartless because i was weird and that made her contemptuous and annoyed and not like me anymore.

was i weird? yes a LITTLE but not that much.

why was i weird? because i had feelings for her and i wasnt able to hang out with her and talk about them.

why? because she didnt want to hang out because i was WEIRD and not fun anymore.

see at this point going down the rabbit hole of why just gives you a stupid vicious circle, chicken and egg.

she wouldnt hang out because i was weird, i was weird because she wouldn’t hang out.

really it was the elephant in the room which made me weird.

i should have blurted it out the second i felt myself getting weird.

i dont think her mind would have been changed though. if she wanted to Date me, she’d certainly want to talk about it, and would have agree to hang out with me any of the 10 times i asked her.

so i can be CONFIDENT (hahahaha) in the FACT that she NEVER had Feelings for me, and that i just scared her off. nope, she simply NEVER had feelings. she should have been nicer and more understanding though.

do women really understand how different it is for men and women to Get Sex or a Rel?

do women REALLY THINK its just as easy for men as it is for women?

that all men can get a woman as easily as a woman can get a man?

this is so stupid and wrong and all men know it!

but it honestly seems like women simply cannot put themselves in a mans shoes and SEE THE TRUTH!

its less about empathy and putting yourself in anothers shoes, but just opening your eyes and seeing the truth right in front of you! open your eyes and see all the lonely men, or the single men, or the men with the shittiest women!

just want women to appreciate how hard it is for a man to get a woman. and how easy it is for a woman to get a man, and to understand that THIS IS THE WAY NATURE MADE US, and to appreciate that by NOT GIVING IT AWAY FOR FREE. LIKE THEY WERE A MAN, with NO reproductive costs. just drop a load and disappear into the night. WOMEN JUST CANT DO THAT, yet they ACT like they CAN!!!!!! its stupid and wrong and …. OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know obscenity when i see it! and thats it! blatantly shitting on the way nature made you, spitting in gods face if you will, going against the entire natural order. i hate female promiscuity more than Conservatives Hate Gays hahahahahahaha.

and in fact so should the conservatives, because its a much bigger problem!

muuuucccccchhhhhhh! affects their own wives and daughters!

5 percent of people are homosexual, but like 50% of women are Too Promiscuous!

Female Promiscuity is TEN TIMES A BIGGER MORAL PROBLEM than homosecsuality!


Yeah #MillennialWoes have a skype conversation with me on that. or better yet just do one yourself hahahahaha.

no i luv woesy, i would like to visit scotland and then visit him one day.

i thought women are always cold all the time, then why do they always wear sleeveless things to show off their fatceps and “bingo wings” hahahahahaha hopefully with horrible lena dunhamesque tattoos on them hahahaha

i am jsut butthurt that no women like me and my main source of female luv is gone long gone. which is what she was! that is a big deal! i mean it helps men to have the TENDER MERCIES of a nonrelative woman!

heh. i just want a damn impartial judge to say that SHE was wrong, SHE was the bad person, SHE ruined it. i need ot be right. i FEEL wronged!!!!! i FEEL i was treated unfairly. but i know my feelings can be WRONG.

well at least me and her had something good for SOME period of time, however brief. we had an honestly beautiful friendship for about one year. because it took about one year to get to that point. i dont make friends QUICKLY. if they are still around after one year, thats a good sign. then i can start being REAL friends with them.

anyway my story of first time at planet fatness. if i can do it, you can do it.

i had my list of worries above.

i prepared for the worst, ie bring as little as possible into the club, prepare not to use a locker. locked wallet in the car, brought in only keys, id card, music player, and phone.

scanned id card at front desk. they said nothign about billing info. i stood about 10 feet away from the front desk and pretended to look at phone, really checking out the layout and where i should go next. obv wanted a treadmill. treadmill is the WHOLE REASON i signed up. i spied a good treadmill. not a lot of people there on sunday evening. went right to the treadmill and got it started. played around with the buttons. really tried to observe my surroundings without looking like i was looking at anybody.

an asian girl got on tread mill 2 to my left. this made me feel less like a monster and made me reflect on asian girls being nice and tender hahahahaha. in the row in front of me there was a 40 year old black woman and 2 men in their 20s.

one of the men i recognized, i saw him about 2 years ago at my previous job. he was an “older” college student who was very emotional and hysterical and had arguments with his mom on his phone even though he was 30. he was feebly trying to turn his life around but it wasnt working and certainly he was very depressed and low self esteem and almost certainly a 30 year old virgin. i empathized with him greatly. he is my target demographic. i should have approached him and sold my Despair Buddy and Anxiety Buddy and Relationship Buddy  Unlicensed Therapist Buddy Services!

but he was doing well, he had signed up for planet fatness before i did! but he is also fatter than me. but he is also much taller than me. i mean if he lost weight he could pull some 25 year old woman. not that he was super fat, just a little chubby, and he was a good height, maybe about 6 feet, i wish i was that tall!

i spied on peoples mph. he was at 3.2 so i said i have to do 3.3 at least hahahaha.

most girls who went on soon began jogging at 5 mph. oh great i said. there was a young man jogging at 6 mph for quite a long time. i was pressured and gymtimidated into jogging at 5 mph for a few minutes here and there.

most people when they were walking did no less than 3 mph. i would prefer to do 2.8, i am not a fast walker! on my normal walks i go about 2.8 but then you would look like a loser here.

there was a 45 year old woman not in greatest of shape going at a brisk 3.5 mph clip steadily!

i played with the machine settings and had to restart it a couple times, wiping out my time and calories burned and all that and distance.

i basically tried to keep it no lower than 3. it was weird trying to compete wiht the peopel around me. i was in the back row meaning they couldnt see me and my mph. i never saw a girl go faster than 5 mph. i saw one guy going 8 or 9 mph. jeez.

i tried to read the signs and look at the people and look at the machines and the layout, without looking like i was looking at anything. i tried to listen to millennial woes but i couldnt really focus on him, too novel of a setting. listened to some music, listened to the same MW over and over again. i saw more than a few attractive young women. i dont understand why they wear SKIN TIGHT stuff. if you dont want creepy old virgin loser men staring at your ass, dont wear SKIN TIGHT pants and be 20 years old hahahahahahahahaha. you can just wear NOT skin tight shorts or pants. I was! wearing NOT skin tight shorts and shirt.

i wore shorts and a long sleeve t shirt for some reason. the shorts were fine. i wore long sleeve t shirt cuz i get cold easily and not sure how warm it would be in there. it was warm enough for shorts and a short sleeved tshirt.

there was a little cup area in the treadmill where i could put my keys and phone and id card.

near the end of my visit i lost my id card and thankfully they put it in lost and found at the front desk. they asked me my name, i told them, they gave me card.

i dont want to lose that every single time!

i went to the mens room and there was  a locker room in there too, and about 3 shower stalls. the locks, you had to Bring Your Own locks.

see i can see myself losing that darn card! and i dont want to do that.

i was there for about 2 hours and 15 minutes. got maybe 6 miles of walking in, maybe more, since i was walking a lot faster than normal.

i just stayed on the treadmill. next time i might try elliptical so i dont look like a weirdo.

there were some “LUNKHEADS” using the weight machines. i really didnt care, i was not intimidated by them. i was just sad cuz its them who wins in the competition for those cute young 25 year old gurls. but at least me being there is a step towards me improving myself.

there was a huge fan right above the treadmill area so i always got a nice breeze.

pros: the treadmill was fun, it was an interesting experience

cons: i had to walk a little faster than i liked just not to look like the biggest failure there.

you are supposed to wipe the machines after each use. i watched people do this and attempted to mimic them. i went to the wipe station, got a thing of paper towel, then squirted it with solution or alcohol or whatever the stuff in the spray bottle was, then took the damp paper towel to the machine. i guess i could take the spray bottle to the machine as well. point is it wasnt hard.


so i conquered that fear by wiping the machine successfully.

i figured it would all be a learning experience and it was.

next time i will wear a t shirt; i will bring a water bottle; i might try to use a locker; i will try not to lose the id card.

i didnt bring a water bottle. i figured just use the water fountain. and that i did. they had a refrigerator with bottled water but i didnt know if you had to pay for it. i left my money in the car. i am thankful to have a car and money.

i saw at least 4 or 5 attractive 20s women. who probably give it up to guys in under 1 month of meeting them hahaha.

more comforting, i saw plenty of chubby 20s men.

and i saw my 30 year old virgin Despair Buddy. I really should have said something to him. good for him that he is trying to lose weight. not that he NEEDS to lose a lot of weight, he’s not UGLY, he should be able to pull a 25 year old qt right NOW, but hes too anxious and beta. plus of course he is balding hahahahaha. but i bet the tender mercies of a NICE 25 year old woman would totally TRANSFORM him. just like it would TRANSFORM me hahaha.

so yeah i can see going back there semi regularly and AUTISTICALLY using the treadmill with that other pathetic autist feelsy balding virgin hahahaha.

well way i see it, better to be a chubby balding virgin trying to lose weight on the treadmill at planet fatness, than a chubby balding virgin crying at home in parents basement neeting it up hahahaha.





my ind is always racing about worries, all day. jobs, then it switches to the woman. THAT PERSON. back to not being able to enjoy MUSIC any more. thats a telltale sign. a dead giveaway. i used to listen to music for hours a day. now i am THANKFUL if i can listen to 10-20 minutes a day of music and really ENJOY it. its like I SHOULDNT listen to music with all these pressing issues i need to figure out.

but you see? i worry and worry and think and ruminate and racing thoughts about them, but i never actually figure them out or resolve them! i might as well use the music to force the worries out of my mind, cuz the worries being in my mind all day do nothing to make those issues better!!!!!

i would be REALLY happy if i could force myself to go to planet fatness and sign up today. i just want to walk on the treadmill during the dark and cold winter for a few hours sometimes!!!! to not get super fat, and to burn off some calories and maybe some Worries.

and it would also be good if i could Get Over my fear of going to a public Gymlike place. shit. this is planet FATNESS where the average person is going to be fatter than me, this is not a GYM.

there are TONNES of fat people who just want to walk on the treadmill! i would not be some freak!

that is another protip of life. physically speaking, just try to BLEND IN, if you do not have the Super High COnfidence to present yourself to the world as a Freak in some way, be it thru your ridiculous fashion style, or whatever. and certainly you do not have super high confidence if youre reading this! think of the stereotypical Fat Gothic Loser. these arent so prevalent now…… well ok how about a Fedora Neckbeard Trench Coat type guy who just LOOKS like a virgin loser.

when i was young, i made myself look like a freak with long hair and a messy beard. because i liked long hair and beards. there is nothing inherently wrong with that, long hair and beards are pretty cool, but i did not have the confidence to pull it off. it only took my whole Youth to figure out i look better with a short beard as opposed to a long beard. as for the long hair, i havent had long hair in 11 years, and i would kinda like to grow long or even medium length hair, but now i am Balding, so, I have to accept and live with that.

for example recently i was trying to grow a long pointy goatee, but since muh beard grows sideways and asymmetrically….. i basically can never grow a long beard and have it look like anything but garbage. i can have a shorter beard and it looks ok. lesson: always keep beard trimmed short. but i wanted a LONG beard!!! cant do it, without looking weird, and i dont have the confidence to look WEIRD.

this was a weird mixture, esp when i was young. i was STUBBORN in insising that long hair and beard looked cool, but looking like that also decreased my confidence, made me more self conscious, all combined made me weak socially, esp with women. in fact when i cut my hair at age 21 i had a surge of confidence and shortly after made my first Real Gains with women.  didnt last long but still! it was something.

so now i was trying to have a goatee, and its so hard to trime the chin area. i FINALLY have a decent Moustache area for once in my life, but the whole right side of my face, the entire beard grows SIDEWAYS and i cant change that, thats natural born. lots of men get this, its not uncommon. honestly the best you can do is a short beard.

also i am gradually balding, but i am not so bald that i can get away with doing a Razor Chrome Dome. the shortest i can go is a level 1 Buzzer. even that is pushing the limit. level 2 would be less extreme. and my whole point is, sometimes the healthiest thing for us is to NOT go extreme, but just BLEND in with the normies and degens. basically dont draw NEGATIVE ATTENTION to yourself, you already give YOURSELF enough negative attention with all your low confidence and negative thoughts about yourself!!!!!

super low functioning. i was higher functioning when i had my job, but then i went nutters. god damn. and even then i wasnt high functioning enough to be attractive to women.

who cares if youre attractive to women?

i say you cant help it. its wired into you. all or most men WANT to be attractive to women. we WANT to reproduce. be GLAD that you still care about women in this way. it means you still have some sort of spark deep down.

plus it means youre not a sociopath, and you still care about getting consent for sex hahahahahahaha.

by that i mean you are still attracted to women, of course, but you are still nonviolent, humane, and nice enough to not want to raep them hahahahaha ie you only want sex with them if they want secs with YOU. well, i mean, of course you WANT secs with plenty of women who dont want secs with you, but you KNOW BETTER that to take them by FORCE! but you wish more women wanted secs with you. you wish you could make yourself more attractive to them.

you have exactly 5 minutes to give me a damn good explanation of how what where and why writing stuff



started happening. I think it started on 4chan or some chan like most memes do. that should be enough EXPLANATION WHY, yes? NO, i want to speak to your manager if you dont give me a better explanation. cant do that tho. uhhhh managers not available.

so think fast. ok gonna have to go to google. but how do you google that exactly?

“writing things in a right angle like on 4chan”?

couldnt find shit. i first saw it on /pol but who knows if thats where it started. i cant give you a good origin story. i ended up reading unrelated articles such as the playlists of henry rollins radio show. i used to like rollins but now he’s gotten too old and tame and lame and leftist, however he has compelling musical tastes, and should probably spend more time talking about music than political stuff hahahaha.

ok trying to pump myself up to go to planet fatness and sign up. maybe i should take a valium. if the employee gets flustered because they havent been trained, i will say, thats ok, thats not your fault, i know that feel, take your time, etc.

did a 5 miler

ok i did go to planet fatness and signed up. they asked for a checking account to deduct my monthly 10 dollar payment from i said err i dont have one, can i use credit card, he said nope gotta have a checking account, i said allright no problem, i’ll bring the info in later, he said no problem, just do that and gave me a tshirt and a membership card. it took less than 5 minutes. the place was not packed on a saturday afternoon at about 130 pm. not packed.  i should have asked him if i could use a savings account. he would have probably said no because that would be a tricky question because its not clearly documented by the Documentation and FAQs for his 9DAH PT job and i didnt want to get him in trouble by bringing a Manager into it.

heh i am of the age where i should be a Manager at whatever shoddy place, like Fast Food or Retail or a cheap pseudo gym hahaha. but i am still competing with the 20 year olds for entry level 1 jobs because i am a huge loser at life hahahaha.

so i came home and went for a 5 miler and then logged into The Member Portal and changed my Billing Info from Nothing, to my savings account, and it appeared to take it. so hopefully they dont give me sheeeet when i go back there. i am thinking about going back there now! when i looked in there, the treadmills were not super duper occupied.

i worried about That Person. That Woman. and fairness vs unfairness. it IS unfair when a beta male passes himself off as a NiceGuy in order to have Secs with a Gurl in exchange for Nice Points. or otherwise pretend to be Just Friends when really he wants to pound dat pvssy. so the gurl rightfully gets mad at the guy for MISREPRESENTING himself, being a coward, being deceptive, being a liar, being a trickster, bait and switch, scammer, sleazebag, weasel. so in that case it is justified for the woman to get angry and perhaps even to throw the guy away like garbage

(see the Mill Woes vidya linked last post, this is what he gets into, the video was not about what i thought it was going to be about, it was about kinda what im talking about now: beta niceguys who misrepresent themselves, and men who agree to have secs with gurls who are cheating on their boifrans. so it wasnt as great of a vidya as i thought it would be, and kinda even seemed like MW was “WHITE KNIGHTING”, if i didnt know him better hahahahaha)

anway the beta in question feels he cant compete with all the competition out there, for women, so he wishes there were much much fewer men in existence, so he didnt have as much competition, and therefore could finally get women. he also didnt have a problem being the guy who women cheat with, on their boifrands. MW said the cheated-with has some responsibility, as does the actual Cheater. I would agree, BUT i’d say the Cheated-With only has 10% of the blame there. because yes the cheater will just find ANOTHER man to cheat with. and if you are DESPERATE for secs, you will TAKE the offer, if the woman is even slightly bangable.

now you would never want to DATE that woman, cuz she is a damn dirty cheater. and after banging her a couple times, you might find that you feel guilty enough about the poor sap being cheated on, and not so desperate any more, that you dump the B and be like i will not be a party to this treachery, i’m not that desperate for pvssy any more that i will take a dirty cheating whore and make a cuck out of that poor guy!

just to address the points MW made.

anyway MW also talks about those kinds of niceguys who misrepresent themsleeves, then the woman gets mad.

I DIDNT MISREPRESENT MYSELF!!! to That Person. but maybe she THOUGHT i was, so thats why she reacted like this.

but…….then why didnt she get mad and throw me away EARLIER then? they way it happened, it was a BOILING type thing. sort of slow boiling.

who knows. i’ll never get answers because we will never talk about it.

anyway i agree that misrespresenting yourself is tricky and shitty and you should be punished for it by being brutally rejected. so when i was brutally rejected, i figured, well i must have been misrepresenting myself.

but i wasnt really.

  1. my feelings changed, and i wanted to hang out with her and talk abotu the change, with a damn conversation. communication, and once every two weeks asked if she wanted to hang out
  2. but right away i CHANGED my behavior and signals to her, texting her more than before, being more emotional and lovey dovey and stupid than before, acting like I liked her basically!
  3. then she NOTICED that change
  4. and in response started distancing

however without my acting differently, then it looks like i was MISREPRESENTIN.

but i was acting TOTALLY DIFFERENT! I was acting like i LIKED her! not like i was TRYING TO HIDE something!

hmm looks like planet fatness makes it REALLY DIFFICULT to cancel a membership and can manage to scam HUNDREDS of dollars out of you even after you THOUGHT you cancelled hahahaha.


this is a great site, i enjoyed reading the negative reviews of my former employer and how they scam customers too. i dont think customers should be scammed!!!

how do you deal with an angry customer who feels they have been scammed?

and from what they say, it really looks like they’ve been scammed?

do you just say, you signed the contract lololololololol dont let the door hit you on the way out, we got your money sucker!!!

i was TRYING to show THAT PERSON that my feelings had changed, and i think she DID notice, thats why she TURNED AWAY. i wasnt trying to TRICK or SCAM her. In fact, signals werent ENOUGH for me, i wanted to say the words to her mudshark face, I LIKE YOU thats why i’m acting like i like you. and the fact that she never wanted to give me the time to do that made me get more and more tense and worked up. if i were trying to SCAM her with a LONG CON, i would probably be more chill about biding my time, no?

no i was like I GOTTA TALK TO YOU NOW OR ELSE I AM GONNA BREAK DOWN!!!!!!! and i did! and then i finally told her everything via email. i think she read that email at least.

but yeah i am going through a cycle of i want to contact her again. well, thank god i dont feel that EVERY DAY anymore, but in the not too distant past, i certainly did feel it every day! and now couple days go by, i dont wanna, which is good, but then i want to again, which is bad. contact her that is.

its like a …..

pain time get over it

i just drew that in paint. i think the squiggles should be even taller than they are here. notice the squiggles vs the more staright gray line which would represent more of a general trend over the long term, but god damn its up and down violently day by day, hence the violent squiggles. and they should be even more violent than pictured here, but i cant draw fookin good in pain in 2 seconds. take it or leave it.

shit i dont RESPECT women who have sex with men too fast! but all women do!

then when i was friends with her for months and years without having S, i figured she was slow with ALL guys, so that was prob part of why i respected her! but fact is, if she meets a guy she thinkgs is SEXY, she probably has sex with him within a WEEK of meeting him! even though she’s only had SEX with like 2 or 3 guys so far….i would not be surprised if that number rapidly increases from here on out…..

see i didnt WANT to have SEX with her right when i first met her.

but what DID i think? i know guys Evaluate women sexually first thing.

well, i said, she is a pretty girl, i wouldnt mind having SEX with her, it would prob be fun, but i have no desire in TRYING, i am still getting over this other girl, in fact, i first met That Person RIGHT after getting Rejected by the previous woman. so i accepted That Person as being technically attractive and bangable, but i just didnt care about it. i was still kinda heartbroken over the previous woman, the only person i really wanted to have S with.

and then i began getting along with That Person very natrually.

we gradually became friendly.

then i learned she had a long term boifran.

i still thought she was good looking but i didnt really care, it didnt bother me, cuz i was still getting over the other woman; plus it felt WEIRD to think of my friend that way, even if they were a decent looking woman; AND i had NO desire to interfere with her rel. i guess i put myself in the friendzone at this point and i was JUST FINE with it. didnt lose any sleep, wasnt chomping at the bit to tell her my secret, wasnt texting her with lovey shit.

so it did make a big difference when she ended that rel and Became Single. by that time i was pretty well over the previous woman and now was a good chance to really Examine Why Would This Be Weird. the fact that she was no longer in the rel made it ultimately seem much less weird. and that did it i guess.

learning about her New Boifran was a CATALYST, but it was NOT the Root Cause. the Root Cause was her breaking up with her old long term boifran.

it still took a few months for me to get through the “weird” phase but I sure did.

i wasnt misrepresenting myself, i was trying to represent myself through the signals and the texts and to show her id changed.

and she probably noticed, because then SHE changed herself!

so she can’t say i misrepresented!!!!! so therefore she had no right to be as mad at me.

unless she was just upset i had feelings for her at ALL, misrepresented or not.  that was probably what happened.

good comment on the MW vidya:

Finarfin 1 day ago
+clangerbasher I think it’s no surprise or coincidence that the Millennials aren’t having children. Further to that, it’s a kind of relief they aren’t, as damaging to our race as that may be. I don’t think they have it in them (the males) to look after children, especially infants. I can tell. They’re too self-absorbed (too selfish tbh), lack toughness (that translates as nurture to children and the weak – you have to be tough, with yourself, to be empathetic), aren’t even aware of what’s required – which is as well, because they would run even further if they did.

I can tell because I see it in my own son (aged 28 and thankfully childless), my friends’ sons, my nephews, etc. They can’t really look after themselves fully, let alone kids. My heart would be in my mouth at the thought of babies with these young men.

Sorry boys, you’re all well fucked up now. Even your ability as fathers has been erased. It’s all very tragic. You’ll get to aged 40 and beyond and be so cold and alone.

I accept that a hatchet job has been done on you and on any resolve you might have once had to fight against it.

//////end quote

maybe it was because when i was first becoming friends with that person i didnt blatantly ASK her if she had a boifran. probably because i was not used to talking to gurls, and also many times the gurl will mention their boifran IMMEDIATELY. even gurls you are not interested in. you just know which gurls have a boifran and which dont. maybe because she was very slow to mention the boifran, i assumed she didnt have one? how did i feel when i first discovered she had a boifran? it took like at least 3 months from when i first met her. 4 or 5 even. why didnt she mention him? why didnt’ i ask? well like i said, most women mention their boifran right away. unless they are having trouble. which they were.

anyway point is, the boifran usually comes out at an opportune or natural time, usually near the beginning, usually by the woman, unless shit is bad or the woman is weird or untrustworthy.

but i think she honestly loved him! she made an effort to make it work with him! she probably never would have cheated on him! so why was she so slow to mention him? i guess after a while i just ASSUMED she didnt have a boifran??  i honestly dont KNOW when i first became aware, nor HOW.  maybe she DID say something, but i KNOW it wasnt something like “MY BOIFRAN” , i think she said something like “my friend” or “the guy” or something that was more of a hint.

so then it was my fault for saying, “WHAT, YOU MEAN YOUR BOIFRAND?”

well at any rate it eventually came out and we were TALKING about it pretty openly then, her talking about their issues with me. so i became the crying shoulder but i didnt care, cuz i didnt secretly want her. if i DID, i might be pissed or annoyed or tense. at this point i just viewed it as Supporting my female friend. and listening to her, being there for her, and encouraging her to keep working on her Rel.

then he dumped her, i think. then i thought well i might leave her alone for a little while so she can process this. and also so I can process the idea of her being single, i never knew her to be single, maybe i could get feels for her. then i DID, and by then she was dating another guy, but that ended QUICKLY. but then she never agreed to hang out with me ever again. which was weird because we USED to hang out. then she cut me off.  so yeah i was a little angry about that.

i dunno i am in a contacting her sort of mood. i WONT, but i WANT to, i WISH i COULD. even though i know i probably SHOULDNT.

im saying that I know best for what she wants. becuase she clearly doesnt know what she wants and needs to be told by me!

yeah pretty much! she will choose guys that dont care about her and treat her bad, and she wont choose a guy who would love her and treat her good!

well thats her problem.

also shit i dont even know what i want and need.

well, thats only PARTIALLY true. yeah my mind is foggy and my judgment is crap but it wasnt crap about her. I really wanted her, i was all in on that. i made up my mind.

maybe she was just damaged from being abandoned by her father and essentially being emotionally abandoned by her distant boifran. so that screwed her up. and she really didnt want me to get feelings for her, so when i did, she abandoned me.  but she DOES know how to talk to people, she talked to him, lots! but she loved him.

so why was she making guy friends? i dont think she WAS, it was just me, and we became friends because…….just because we got along so well right away, and had fun talking to each other! it was the most natural, Flowing thing ever. like a gift from GOD.



happy july 4 hahahaha.

anyway. she thought it was UNREASONABLE that i got feelings for her, thus she got mad at me and stopped talking to me.

I thought it was UNREASONABLE that she never talked to me, so i got mad at her.

any jury or judge or attorney or scientist would agree, that its much more unreasonable to stop talking to someone, than for Feelings to eventually develop in a long term man/woman friendship.

“well you have to communicate about the feelings.”

i TRIED! i tried my best, even though it wasnt very good. but god damn all i wanted to DO was communicate about them, and she stubbornly, coldly refused! she wanted to ignore it and hope it went away!

so by unreasonably thinking I was unreasonable, she went and did something much MORE unreasonable. and i am the one hurting for it. it is gonna take years to get my Career back on track and i will probably never love another woman wawaawawawawawawawawaawa

i had a dream where she apologized to me and said she was “embarrassed” or “humiliated” which didnt really make sense, there was no humiliation except maybe for me, mainly she should just feel GUILTY for treating a person poorly hahahaha. but it was nice that she was apologizing. but of course i wanted her back.

i had some nyquil so i’m not remember the dream all too well thakn GOD.

she is really bad at saying NO hahahahaha. so i always thought, well she’s not saying no, she’s trying to be polite, so maybe theres a chance. of COURSE i wanted there to be a chance, i was in luv with her and wanted to spend my LIFE with her. thats what LOVE IS. all consuming, mad, beautiful, monogamous.

the shit she did to me happens ALL THE TIME, very common, nothign special there. one day you are close with a woman, the next day, total strangers, she is totally done with you. it sucks and is veyr painful and you can always blame it on the woman for being so shitty to you…..but its not uncommon. but it means they have problems. that THEY are a piece of shit. its just hard for me because i tested her for two years to make SURE she wasnt a piece of shit, and we had a decent friendship. she wasnt some kind of Manic Pixie Dream Gurl Flake where we quickly had a Whirlwind Romance Fookfest and then she disappeared quickly and suddenly. we knew each other LONG TERM and i did NOT expect her to do something like this. i trusted and respected her, which is something i do with long term friends, because it takes a long time to build that. I dont usually do that with women i Dated, because i never knew them for very LONG. it was always move too fast, short term, disappointment, never really knew ya, but it was a disappointment anyway.

mother fooker. now i am studying Quality Metrics at Kroger


such as the Ring Tender metric, and reading the complaints and tips of Kroger cashiers

all becuase i was trying to find out what the acronym ELMS meant, cuz we had a similar acronym that i never knew what it really meant.

i dont know how ring tender is different from tender effectiveness. hahahaha

yet i dont even work at kroger

BUT they have insane quality metrics and get paid way LESS than I used to, and now i would be LUCKY to get one of those jobs. i will get a WORSE job for LESS money. i will get jobs so bad that i am tempted to quit because of the job itself and not some damn bitch on the job  who killed me. well, i wanted to quit my job during the first 3 months anyway cuz it was so confusing and stressful anyway hahahaha but i persisted.

stupid shit. bitches.

ALL jobs suck and push you to your LIMIT. I am gonna feel the same way at EVERY job. so i gotta change the way i FEEL. but i study work shit ALL THE TIME when i am Off The Clock in an attempt to feel more competent and confident……..and though i probably get more competent……..i dont feel any more Confident! and instead feel anxious, cant sleep, cant eat, go crazy and quit job and look unemployable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when you have an argument with your female friend, lay ground rules that she will not interrupt you for 5 or 10 minutes, until you are done with your spiel, or really when you have anything to say. JUST NO INTERRUPTING. even when you stop a sentence but still have more to say, and she wants to jump in and attack you, hold up your finger and say ah ah ah, im not done yet, I WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I AM DONE.

i HATE interrupting. which is largely why i hate tv news, the guests and hosts are ALWAYS interrupting and talking over each other. so stupid.

not that i ever HAD a Hot Convo with MY female friend. shit i would have liked to have an interruption filled argument. it would have been SOMETHING. then i could have said, well, we had a bad talk, and she was clearly the bad guy.

when you are in monogamous love, you might find some other women attractive, but you find YOUR woman MORE attractive. you dont WANT to be with anybody else. you dont even want to have superficial no feelings animal sex with other women. so really monogamy DOES involve putting the other person on a pedestal. they mean MORE to you than anybody else.

well its 6pm and its dark as hell

IMPOSTOR syndrome; when you get into a job and immediately feel over your head. how to deal with.

Impostor syndrome is a term coined in the 1970s by psychologists and researchers to informally describe people who are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those exhibiting the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. (wikipedia)

PRURIENT INTEREST. A morbid, degrading and unhealthy interest in sex, as distinguished from a mere candid interest in sex.
Legal Definition of Prurient Interest – Lectric Law Library

I hate google so much (user name)  says:
“I guess it really isn’t up to anyone but the person who decides to cheat.” (he presents The Oppostion saying something retarded and degen.)

Liberalism in a nutshell. The idea that the individual must be free from all forms of ‘oppression’ (cultural limitations, or judgements) and that those who back up the traditional way of thinking are an immoral element of society, who must be shunned and shamed.

This goes back to that neo-marxist train of thought that EVERYTHING must be dismantled, in a cultural revolution, to make way for the ‘better’ society.

end quote. luv my boi woezy!!!! i would donate to him but he makes more money than me at 400 dollars a month hahahahahaha. damn richers ahahaha

anyway, point is, dont CHEAT, just dump your “partner” before you cheat.

or if you are a cheater, only date other cheaters ie open relationship advocates hahahaha

or better yet dont have secs with person unless youve already signed up for a monog rel with them.

im saving myself for a monog rel hahahaha

sad commentary on our sick society that its the NORM that people have sex BEFORE THEY ARE EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP. and to suggest otherwise is scoffed at as old fashioned and prudish. better to be prudish than prurient!

im waiting until im in a rel. because most women are sluts and gives it up to guys they dont even KNOW, just that he is sexy hahahaha.

angelo john gage put it very succinctly: theres a double standard because women are RISKING THEIR LIVES when they have sex. THEIR VERY LIVES. THEIR LIVES.


because getting pregnant CAN kill you, and at the very least it will CHANGE your life DRASTICALLY. i cant believe women dont know this! that it takes a 30 year old virgin man to mansplain it to them: HAY LADEEEZ, GETTING PREGGERZ IS A BIG DEAL.

its way easier for men to abandon their children, than women to abandon THEIR children. because it GROWS INSIDE THEM FOR NINE MONTHS. AJ Gage mansplains it even better, watch that vidya from one or two posts ago.

but yeah women are much more attached to their children than men are. thats nature. so women shouldnt be so damn CAVALIER about who they give it up to. uteri and eggs are not cavalier; sperm are. its not cavalier when you have to grow a babby in your belly for 9 months.

this is why women dont get to treat sex cavalierly, but men DO!

not that men even SHOULD!

i never really did hahaha. i only ever had secs wth a gurl i wanted to monog date hahahaha. i almost had secs with another gurl, and i wanted to monog date her too, but she dumped me shortly after that and never gave me a chance to have secs with her. in hindsight i should have cavalierly fooked her cuz she was young and cute and i never got another chance to have secs, let alone with a cute young gurl! cavalier or not on my part!

so in these situations i do encourage cavalier secs for men. its not like youre the one risking YOUR LIFE! besides if i knocked her up she would have just gotten another abortion anyway hahahaha also middle class college gurls use all sorts of BC and even when they are DRUNK they make you wear a rubber.

working class gurls dont take BC pills, which is technically good, cuz those mess with your mind, and make the women even crazier and stupider and eviler, however the working class gurls cheat just as much and also get preggers more and dont make you wear a rubber, so they have more bastard babies, more abortions, and spread more disease.  so, working class girls are possibly even more degen than middle class gurls.

but middle class gurls are more marxist, ie possible more immoral.

so the trick is to find a working class gurl with morals, who isnt a slut………and i thought i did wawawawawawawawawawawawawawawa well i DID, she does have morals and shes not a slut, she just wanted nothing to do with me waawawawawawawawawaw

she treated me so unfairly because she felt it was unfair how i got feelings for her. thats why this all adds up for her. she thinks i was SOOOOOO UNFAIR. probably about as unfair as i thought she was. so therefore she COULD treat me like total shit.

well she’s WRONG!!!!!!! what i “did” wasnt unfair!!!! it was neither fair nor unfair. its getting feelings. it just happens. anyones who ever gotten feelings knows that!!!!! and shes certainly gotten feelings before! how UNEMPATHETIC can you be!!!!!!

so she felt treated unfair and got angry and annoyed. i felt treated LEGIT unfair and was totally heartbroken!!!!!!!!!!!!

so yeah i wnat someone who would treat me better.

bbbbbut what if they arent PRETTY???? or young?

so is she REALLY an Attention Seeker? when i first met her i liked that she wasnt. i feared that she might be becoming more of a social butterfly, not that that is BAD per se…..but i prefer less social women to more social women hahahaha.

well actually its hard to say. i dont think she was hanging out with ANYBODY, including me, but i was SUSPICIOUS and JEALOUS that she must be hanging out with tons of people, because thats all i know. young women are popular and social and if they are not hanging out with you, they are hanging out with someone else. but she wasnt like that!!!!! honestly.

well she dumped me ANYWAY.

foook this stupid job situation. we should have had a talk about how we would do working together if i ultimately fell in luv with her hahaha. which i did.


you Just Do It hahahaha. i wish i could answer that. I have to pretend i am good at that. sometimes i am, sometimes i am godawful. but just pretend you are a boss at it all the time. i guess determine How IMportant the customer is, how much revenue do they add, how big is the actual problem, then make an educated guess, but say it firmly and make it sound like an Absolutely Conclusive answer. unless your manager is WILLING and HAPPY to take tough questions. then thank THEM, apologize to THEM, and have them Educate you on what THEY said to the asshole, so that you dont have to waste their precious time on that issue again hahahaha.


trying to reduce effect of coffee irritating stomach/intestints, by making weaker coffee. down from 8 scoops to 7 scoops now 6 scoops.

how to stop getting confused so easily, so often. i think i get confused even when im not confused. that deep down i understand stuff better than i think i do. just when somebody puts you on the spot for an explanation…..i get nervous, i get flustered, i forget that i do understand shit.

how to stop getting flsutered so easily.


technically smart guy gets confused and flustered easily which makes him look dumb at work, loses respect of everybody there, takes prozac and adderall for ADD but doesnt seem to be helping too much. people on thread suggest anxiety, to thyroid, to BIPOLAR. lately i have been worried i might actually be BIPOLAR, but then i say, no, i’m not MANIC when i get anxious, i’m just SUPER ANXIOUS. anxiety is not mania…….is it?  i could see it def being a possible PART of mania though. some people were convinced he was bipolar.



they get easily confused and get treated like an idiot. ME/chronic fatigue. not sure what ME is.

Myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME)/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), also known chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome (CFIDS), is a complex and  ..

ok ME is CFS. i thought i had that at one time too since i had no energy and am so lazy!

brain fog, easy for predators to take advantage of you, try to intentionally confuse and scam you

well these CFS people seem to get even MORE confused than i do, but they are also less anxious, less despairing.

so….i worry all the time which leads to anxiety which leads to confusion and stress and confusion and anxiety and worry and all that is exhausting but it also keeps my mind racing but not in a productive way at all, but a confused way, and that plus failing at everything makes me pessimistic and despairing.


well if anything i would have bipolar 2, which is the next thing after depression hahahaha.

how to stop getting FLUSTERED so easily


guy gets big last minute projects dumped on him at work that MUST be 100% perfect, no room for .1% mistakes, will always be rememberd by management as huge mistakes. jeez.

find a new line of work buddy. try a call center. if thats too stressful try a restaurant. if thats too stressful try retail or fast food. if thats too stressful try stripping. if thats too stressful try crime hahahahahahahahahahaha.



let yourself worry for 20 minutes and then say thats enough, i got my 20 minutes in.

had dream last night featuring woman2005b aka woman4. i got a mad crush on her but she didnt like me because i was a drunk fool. i liked her because she was not a slut and kinda virginal and inexperienced and nerdy and introverted and awkward and weird, plus very cute. also she was white and not j00ish so thats good hahahahaha. she might have actually been asexual or a lesbian, dont know, not sure if she knew at that time. anyway in the dream we were kind of cuddling and making out, but not making out in a slutty this is going to lead to secs NOW sort of way, where you are spitting in each others mouths and groping each others crotches. but just gentle innocent tongueless kissing like they did in the more prudent 1950s or some shit, and some G rated cuddling and maybe hand holding. see i like this over that more overtly sexual stuff. which is why i prefer women that are more…..”romantic” than “SEXUAL”.  good lord just SOFTEN the edges a little bit, be a little bit more of a prude, and she was a great prude, and I saw some of that in my former female friend too. that prudishness and Sexual Innocence. i LOVE that. makes me develop real feelings for the woman. i like a woman who takes secs seriously and who isnt giving it away to every tom dick and harry. every chad and tyrone hahahaha.

anyway she was in the prime of youth then and is Now Over 30. holy shit! now she’s OLD! she probably hasnt hit the WALL yet. she’s in good health and probably still looks good and wont hit the WALL until 40, so good for her. she was a hard worker and had a Notable Career in Nonprofits. i always wondered if she ended up riding the Chad Carousel after she started her Career in DC. More than likely! then she’ll hit The Wall sooner.

if she really were a prude she would try to get transferred out of DC into the third world she was so interested in hahaha. maybe she did. maybe she was that weird. good for her. but she could still ride the Chad Carousel there too. but then it would just be weird.

but it was nice to have this dream where i was having fun making out with a woman who WASNT You Know Who. That Person. THAT PERSON.

damn she really ruined my YEAR hahahaha.

shit yeah i would still “take her back” if she came back. (she wont come back hahaha.) i would probably take ANY of the women back, after all these years. well, i would definitely use them as a fook dumpster at the very least, bang them 1000 times at MY convenience, until i got tired of them and totally put the lie to the idea that i could have EVER loved them, because now they were just an old piece of spent fook meat that i was DONE with!!!!! well, half of the women were worth that, the other half were actually decent women, so i could still possibly date them. if they hadnt’ gone and become degenerates themselves in the interim years. which they well could have.

just because a woman hasnt become a degenerate by age 24 doesnt mean she wont Turn Bad after that! it happens!

sure, most degen women will have turned long before that, like by age 20 or 21, but some women last through All Of College without doing the Chad Carousel, but then they START doing so AFTER college, when in Grad/Law Skool, or Career in the Big City.

well at least they have careers and secs lives hahahahaha. they are making something of themselves, being productive members of society, not being lazy loser deadbeats complaining about their anxiety and worries and low self esteem and no confidence and not being able to deal with life hahahahaha

i should take the political compass.org test so you know where i stand politically! i would guess Right Of Center, almost FASCIST. but i tolerate gays. but i dont tolerate open relationships and degeneracy. lets find out lolololol…


holy shit i am almost dead center. but technically a “left authoritarian.” well i could see RIGHT authoritarian or even right libertarian.

i cant explain it to you and i cant understand it for you hahahaha

i was googling what to do when someone wants an explanation, and you cant give it, becuase you dont understand it yourself.


not related to that really but reminds me of what i went through with THAT PERSON. i didnt even WANT an EXPLANATION from her, I just wanted her to SAY SOMETHING to me and be NICER to me and to say she didnt hate me, she appreciated our time together, but now she wants to end. no explanation needed, just a Compassionate Talk to TRY to lessen hurt feelings.


unrelated, 26 year old virgin. male of course. there are a LOT of these, so dont be ashamed for being a 26 27 or even 30 year old virgin. it seems there are a decent number of 22 year old virgin women, but havent seen many virgin women older than that. oh well. i would GLADLY take a 22 year old virgin hahaha but 22 is too young for me to realistically pull hahaha.

oh god she was 24/25, she was a great age, THAT PERSON, obviously i like younger women because i like innocent, inexperienced, nonslut women, and most women are all whored up by 24, but not her! and when am i ever gonna meet another nonwhore 24 or 25 year old!!!

angelo john gage

What happened to men, women, and relationships?

good straight shooting vidya by a guy who immediately made a good impression on me. he only “awoke” not too long ago but he seems to get it, and talks REAL TALK. warning: he is pro-white hahahaha so if you dont like that, keep having bastard babies with tyrone who look NOTHING like you hahahaha until one of the tyrones eventually beats or gats you to def.

he is a little “too macho new joisey” type guy but I dont mind that much. i mean men should be men. i wish iwere more masculine!!!!!!!! then i might be able to pull gurls like this guy! he says he went through a hedonistic womanizing phase where he was banging a bunch of gurls at the same time, and did not want a committment. of course we can never know that feel, hahaha. but one day he met a Great Decent woman, who made him want to be Loyal, and give up his hedonistic degenerate lifestyle, and proved NAWALT hahaha. he dated her for several years and now they have a white babby he is very proud of.  well good for him. i would love to find a Nurturing White Woman who likes the idear of motherhood, and then make white babies with her. its just hard to make that much money that you need to be a good Husband and Father, what a sick sad world we live in, this is how the Bankster Elites destroy families and enslave the goyim and attempt to turn us all into r-selected muds breeding like rats and having cheap worthless lives.

also looks like he is really controversial on youtube and might be plant or a shill. oh well this vidya is good.

what to say when you cant explain something

yeah i just fooking HATE that THAT PERSON gets to keep doing good at her job, making money, being well liked, while I just totally fell apart and basically threw like $30,000 down the toilet because of a damn woman i never even really Dated hhahahahahaha and im gonna be the hysterical basket case who quits jobs cuz i cant handle stress, and she continues working stressful jobs, handling it, getting promoted, making enough money to live independently, have children, etc, and she might even want to have children some day. i would love to have children someday but i cant even make enough money to support myself, let along children, so i get JEALOUS of people with children. and FORGET finding a decent woman to have children with.

yep wish i never met her. there are actually very few people i wish i never met. because i had to really like them, then really dislike them. i guess “woman3” / woman2005a might be one of them, although i feel much more neutral of her now, 10 years later. but the timing on that was really bad. i was very upset when she “dumped” me from our pseudorel, and it caused a lot of drama, right as i graduated College, and i wonder if i didn’t have that drama, i would have been more mature and responsible about finding a decent Entry Level job right away, when its easier to do so, but instead, i was getting emotional and drinking too mcuh and worried about some dumb woman.

but i was immature anyway and really shouldnt have been at that college to begin with! i was never a great student, so it only makes sense that i was not a great postcollege job seeker.

but im not TOO mad about that. other than she became an intellectual phd even though i was 90000000000000 times smarter than her! now she’s a Well Paid Respected PHD professor and i cant even make 15 DAH! I get dumped by PHD’s, I get dumped by white trash gurls with associates degrees hahahahaha.

ive gotten dumped by cheaters, ive been dumper by babykillers, ive been dumped by bipolars, ive been dumped by eating disorder gurls.





oh the comments hahahaha



shit. these are the types of things i read. my confidence is gone. i didnt really have SUPER bad customers at my last job, nor did i have super bad management or tier 2 support. it could have been a LOT worse. and I was doing pretty well. and in the end it was a WOMAN, not the JOB, which killed me.

second thoughts about quitting? yeah I could probably go back bbbbbut i dont wanna work in a call center wawawawawawawawawawa. the ringing phones, the confusing issues, the nervously trying to bullshit them when you have no idea and you are putting them on hold frantically trying to figure shit out with a foggy mind. it didnt even matter that we had Some Tier 2 Support, and Some Good Managers, and a lot of good people who actually did try to help rather than Dodge Accountability So As To Meet a 20 Minute Average Handle Time. “Handle” meaning just Fob them off and pass the buck and Handle NOTHING.

but with Retail and Food Service, you handle the even worse customers, the joe blows off the street who are psychopath and sociopath that people on the internet complain about and they write books about. just notoriously Bad Customers who will never be satisfied, who LIKE giving poor service workers a hard time. how could you even do that. I ALWAYS think of the person whose job it is to serve me, and appreciate how badly i dont want their job, and the pity and sorrow i feel for THEM, so I am always nice and polite and agreeable.

i can do SOME customer service and I can do it WELL. I just cant do it ALL DAY and i cant do RIDICULOUS shit. unfortunately thats the ENTIRETY of MANY jobs. like i could never be a server. i would quit while working on my first table. i am kinda jealous of people who are good servers and especially those who make a Good Living working in Fine Dining.

heh. i just get too nervous when dealing with hard customers.

google nervous about hard customers / bad customers

and then i get FLUSTERED, and look like an IDIOT, and they want to talk to the MANAGER, then the MANAGER (or whatever higher-up) is mad at ME and wants to force me out of the job hahahaha.

shit. spent the day reading customer service and Bad Customers articles, how to deal with bad customers, then thought shit. got 7.2 miles of walking in. read stupid snagajob.com job search articles where some collegefag got a sweet FT job with benefits at snagajob corporate, and a bunch of horrible unwashing masses commented about how they hadn’t gotten 1 interview in 4 years, i am 62 years old, cant even get a minimum wage retail job, because they cant type hahahahaha. so i dont think this should doom them.

and then went back to my files to look for actual cases, complicated cases, so i can tell stories about them. find complicated cases and then pretend like the caller was angry even if they were not! cuz some of my cases where the caller got frustrated were really stupid cases where nothing got resolved, i had no idea what i was doing in the first month of calls, and they “had to go.” and left before i could resolve or escalate.

also too half dose of nyquil.




couldnt fall asleep last night, mind racing until like 230 am, and it was racing just like i had my old job. was thinking about systems and how things worked and needing a Manual for the Manual, and how nothing ever made sense, and it was not just frustrating, but downright nerve wracking, because i hated sounding like an idiot who didnt know what i was doing in front of callers.

so you think about 50 different possible cases until you cant think straight any more, THEN you forget basic shit like what year is it, and what the damn alphabet is. i tried saying the alphabet in order (not backwards!) and got a few things wrong. then i thought…..is there even really an order to the alphabet? why does n come after m? would it be such a big deal if it went nmop instead of mnop? the letters dont MEAN anything, its just an arbitrary order of the alphabet song, right???? and then just worrying about my powers of judgment.  this is what was keeping me awake at 2 am. and i was thinking about cases and potential problems and what ifs even though i dont even work there anymore.

i thought damn this is why i partook MJ, to get rid of this. to blow all the thoughts out of my mind and try to get some damn rest. to REBOOT MUH BRAIN. to shut off your brain at the end of the day and go to sleep. becuase you got all day tomorrow to use it again, all day on stupid shit you can barely understand.

it wouldnt be as bad if it werent so urgent. but youve got a caller on hold and you have never heard of their problem before and you have no idea how youre going to fix it….but its your job to fix it, and you just want to do your damn job, but its so difficult!!!!

bringing the shit home to study it ultimately did make me more nervous and anxious, unless i got totally blazed. then i would STILL study for a little bit, but it was easier to turn mind off afterwards.

aaaannnnnddd i got up after a shitty nights sleep and am right back to reading it obsessively, nervously. i dont even HAVE the job anymore.

i had weird dreams but nothing about the woman. thank god.

its ON HER that she did this. i did not act perfectly but i did about the best i could consiering the circumstances and my state. she did not do a damn thing.

i think she is not used to rejecting guys who like her but who she doesnt like. she just doesnt have this social life skill. because she doesnt hang out with a lot of guys (which is good!) and shes only been in rels with guys SHE likes rather than casually fooking guys (which is good) so she’s not USED to being around guys who like her, but whom she has no interest in.

well she’ll certainly get better that at, as she learns to enjoy Being Single and Available and all the attention from Men. she’s gonna have to end up rejecting a lot of men then. and if she rejects them like this, that will reflect very poorly on her. this already reflects very poorly on her.

google how to fake confidence at work

stand up straight, eye contact, smile, dress well, speak clearly and not like youre nervous. great.

recorded voice file of my what to say during interview file. well i stopped at about 3 hours and 45 minutes hahahahaha.

stupid woman. god how could she do that to me. NO i was no angel, i was not blameless, and i learned lessons from my mistakes, but she did a fookload wrong, shit it was at least 60 40 if not 70 30 hahahaha.

hmm some research suggests you remember shit better when you take notes by hand instead of typing them.

anyway yeah i fooked up but she fooked up SO MUCH that it was basically her fault the rel ended. because she WANTED it to end. because she didnt have feelings. fine. jsut treat me with SOME respect. i thought i was entitled to just a LITTLE respect. unbelievable. no shit i was devastated. you would be too. god damn i cant believe my favorite woman could be such a b to me. she was my most important and really only female friend. she was a big deal to me. she meant a lot to me. its prob why i ended up getting feelings for her. when an important person leaves you before youre ready, it HURTS. and i am not talking about two old friends drifting apart over time. i am talking about a long term friendship in the medium stage. i signaled i wanted to step this up, she responded by saying NOOOOOOOO and stepping it down. in hindsight it makes more sense, but i didnt want to accept that she really wanted to be DONE. i just thought it was a rough patch we would work through.

there is a cute girl with a broken arm on jeopardy who looks about 20 years old, so much younger than me, yet she is a “BIOMEDICAL SCIENCE TEACHER.”  wtf does that mean? i mean she looks like she is RIGHT out of college. graduated 2015 at age 21 and move right into a “biomedical science teacher” position as a FTE?  (hahahaha) i know people who are still SUBBING YEARS after getting their teacher degree. oh because they dont have initiative like she does. they didnt go to HARVARD like she did. maybe she does teach for america. protip teach for america is VERY competitive and restricted to students like HARVARD, and the TFA grads do VERY well after finishing that program, getting FT teaching jobs at good schools, or going back to harvard hahahaha.


hmm chapel hill maybe she went to UNC, good school…….or maybe duke: GREAT school hahahaha. or she just got a teaching job in a Good City because she went to Harvard or Oxford hahahahahaha.

its a world you or me will never know, but i got a peek in it when i was young and went to a pretty prestigous college. it was SUPER middle class, like upper middle class, and middle class people came from out of state to establish middle class careers. lots of j00s. lots of phds. i had no idea there was a world like that, and it started my obsession on Status and Class and Rankings and COmpetition and Reputation of Schools and Companies and Cities and Jobs and shit. i was not ready for it, i was kind of overwhelmed, and i failed to make it work for me. shat the bed.

similar with my job, except that was a VERY low status job. and the job was MUCH more overwhelming! it kept me up nights hahahaha.

i wonder if i NEED medicinal MJ to help me sleep. it seemed like i slept better and could turn my mind of work stuff, when i got nice and blazed at the end of the day.

biomedical science teacher, i dont even know what that IS! and this gurl is 10 years younger than me, real overachiever haha.

theoretically she COULD have a masters degree and used that to get a part time teaching job at a real shitty college. but wouldnt she be more the type to just get a phd or work in biomedical industry? this tells me she just really wanted to be a teacher, which is fine. i guess i am just amused that they offer this kind of stuff in high schools, where i assume she is a high school teacher. amused but not surprised. a high end high school would probably have a huge College Pointing STEM emphasis in 2015. have high school classes in biomedical, electrical engineering, petroleum engineering, hahahaha. HIGH SCHOOL! well you got to to compete with the indians and the chicoms hahahaha. who will work for one-sixth the price. so dont get a biomedical engin degree unless you get it from MIT or whatever hahahaha. duke. maybe bang belle knox rough in the face when youre there hahahaha.

i have not watched any pornography in about 3 weeks. it is horribly degrading to women but the real tragedy is THIS IS HOW THEY TREAT THEMSELVES. they thing being used as a cvmdumpster is EMPOWERING. THEY LIKE THIS DEGENERACY.  they see porn and think OOO SECSY. EMPOWERING. the power of womens beautiful sexuality. what a sacred beautiful thing. i am woman hear me roar.

when these are just fatherless whores on drugs getting pimped out by scumbags for money. and getting their asses blown open. just 10 years ago women wouldnt let you stick a finger up their ass. now they applaud girls taking 10 c0x up the ass simulataneous, saying This. Is. Powerful. SExuality. Is. Beautiful. #LoveEquality

google coworkers dont like me




ahahahah i am the office idiot, the office screw up, nobody likes me. that is not a good feeling either cuz people will not help you if they do not LIKE you. and all the experienced people have no respect for the new people. how the hell am i supposed to make it though ANOTHER hellish learning curve at another hellish job?

take valium on the job, get balzed MJ after the job, study every day, study cases, everythign that didnt make sense during the day, make it make sense, train yourself.



had meeting with “shrink”, what did i learn.  that i came a long way and learned a lot of important skills in my job. rose to the challenges. cant take that away from me.

also that confusion is inherent in all workplaces and we have to find a way to deal with it.

also that i have trouble turning my mind off when its time to go to bed and i have been working muh confusing job all day, then come home and study job stuff for hours. then its time to go to bed but i am too worked up to sleep.

also its not all my fault for things ending with woman. that if i were a better person she would have treated me better. nope. shrink said if someone is not even goi


and that my only mistake was investing too much time and effort into something the other person was not investing any time or effort in. but thats not a horrible mistake. its understandable. also shrink confirmed that it wasnt my FAULT for getting FEELINGS, and reiterated you cant choose who you luv. if its something like a family member or something, THEN it would be a problem. but getting feelings for your long term female friend? perfectly normal.

cuz i think she was MAD at me for getting feelings, like how dare he, he was nver really my friend, etc, but this is obv NOT TRUE, but she wasnt gonna give me time to talk about it.

shrink said not to mention anything about a Longterm Personal Relationship during an interview, because it might give them doubts. saw that i was doing a good job, i took leave of absense to take care of personal and family issues, it was a carefully considered decision not without its risks, through careful saving and budgeting and emergency planning i was able to make this decision, and it has nothing to do with my work performance, I was rated highly by my supervisors, feel free to call them, i understand how this can be seen as a red flag, but it had nothing to do with my work performance, I was eligible for rehire, but after resolving my personal and family issues,  I feel I am ready for a new challenge bla bla bla.