had stupid dream with The Woman but it wasnt as horrible as it could have been. the main thing i remember is my leg touching her leg because i was trying to indicate interest but she was not interested. the other main thing was that she was being actively bitchy to me. not just cold and distant, but she appeared to sadistically enjoy busting my balls. like yeah im gonna enjoy being mean to this loser. i also kept chasing after her trying to have a conversation that lasted more than 30 seconds, becuase “WE NEED TO TALK.” but she kept leaving after 30 seconds of small talk, usually busting my balls. eventually i caught up to her and frantically said we need to talk, i have something i want to talk to you about.

that was about it. in real life she was cold and distant but not actively mean, if that makes any sense. she would still do small talk with me, but she was at least pretending to be nice when she did it, i could see hints of the Good Old version of her, which of course gave me false hope.

my new theory on “how could she do this” in addition to “easy way out”, is that she HAD to make me The Bad Guy in order to justify doing this. gonna treat him like a piece of shit because he IS a piece of shit. so in other words i could never convince her otherwise. her mind is made up. now why exactly im a piece of shit ill never know, but probably it has to do with her feeling Betrayed and or Horrified. she feels Betrayed that her friend could be harboring these “secret feelings” all the while. it wasnt all the while, i was very clear to mention, but she prob didnt read that. she was building up her own fantasy where i was the total bad guy who was sleazily scheming to get close to her and eventually get with her.  so she was totally deluded; i wasnt betraying her or stabbing her in the back. i wasnt scheming to do anything but damn talk to her as soon as possible!

it DOESNT HAVE To make sense. she is a woman hahahaha. not particularly Emotionally Intelligent. not particularly Empathic. she never said well maybe he just likes me, and when men and women are friends for a while, its not uncommon for one person to get feelings, its nobodys FAULT.  no, its i was the bad piece of shit betrayer who doesnt deserve to be let down easy. send him a message.

so yeah i dont like it! cuz im not the bad guy! and i dont like being thought of as a Bad Guy by someone i loved!

so that means shes gonna tell her friends and family what a horrible piece of shit i am. that i….betrayed her by secretly wanting her.

i mean if she THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR 2 SECONDS, she could see how ridiculous this is. i didnt start acting weird until october or so. and she didnt start denying me Hangouts before then. before then everything was all good. and then i started acting weird and wanting to hang out. GEE I WONDER WHY. also if she could put herself in my position and say when have i ever had one sided feelings for someone? oh very recently thats right. and what did it feel like? oh it was painful and heartbreaking. what did i do? oh i tried to hang out with them and talk to them about it. more likely i succeeded in hanging out with them and showing this physically thru Fooking and Sucking, didnt need to have a talk about it, because talking just messes everything up, fooking and sucking says all that needs to be said hahahahahaha.

but yeah she needs to view me as the bad guy in order to treat me like the bad guy. no wonder then, that for a long time i FEEL like a bad guy! and constantly blame myself for being the bad guy! because thats how shes treating me!!!!

heh. she is the one who has been in a long term rel for 5 years yet she cant even take 10 seconds to do an EMpathy Exercise, or think Second LEvel THinking about this. that i might not be the bad guy, that i just eventually got feelings and wanted to talk about them, and the more we didnt talk, the weirder and more anxious i got.

she thought i was the bad guy betrayer and she was totally mistaken.

i was simply in luv with her, and i was not mistaken at all. that was totally honest.

getting feelings for someone isnt BETRAYING them! but i cant convince her of that. of COURSE i wrote a few good paragraphs about this to her. but of course shes not gonna believe The Bad Guy!

but i think if she tells the story honestly to others, they would say, well he wasnt trying to betray you, he obviously got feelings for you and wanted to talk to you about it, but you wouldnt really let him, you stopped hanging out. i mean he CHANGED didnt he? if he hadnt changed in his outward behavior, that would be more of a betrayal, cuz he would be pretending something other than the truth. he was obviously worried an anxious about this. he wasnt pretending to be your friend and secretly having feelings.

but women can use the Hamster to convince themselves of ANYTHING, so she could well believe that i was a Weak Beta Orbiter that whole damn 2 years, lying to her. when i wasnt. but she might paint this picture to her friends and family. this is stupid and unfair and i kind of liked her family.

OR i could just be wrong and her primary emotion is not “ive been betrayed by this evil coward!” but “im confused and overwhelmed and i am gonna shut down because its the easy way out.”

so then at this time she may still be confused but not willing to sort the emotions out because its too much work, to apologize is too much work, still wants to take easy way out, pretend i never existed.  there is probably a complicated stew of emotions including betrayal, and confusion, and horrified, in the sense of o god please tell me he doesnt like me, it kinda seems like it now, o god that would be horrible. she might have been in denial about that, same was i was in denial about “oh yeah shell hang out and well talk eventually.”

also women move on from things a lot quicker. this could have to do with them having a biological clock, OR they are used to the process of Processing Men, OR they dont really DEAL with anything, they just avoid it and push it under the rug and try to forget about it. or a combination of all that.

anyway. i am entitled to MY feelings, and she is entitled to HER feelings. whatever they may be. i am entitled to feel devastated and heartbroken, she is entitled to feel Betrayed. even if that is RIDICULOUS. WAY more ridiculous than me being in luv with her!

betrayal is when…..shit who cares. theres arguments for and against why she could view what i did as a betrayal. i will never know what she actually thinks, and it doesnt really MATTER, other than me overanalysing it trying to figure out “how could she do this?” one day in the distant future i will hopefully just stop caring. but this is part of me processing it. i have to plow right through the middle of it all, suffer all the suffering.

so maybe she didnt think i was THE BAD GUY. maybe she did.

another thing that bothers me is ill never know if she Read Muh Emailz. they explained my side of the story pretty well and addressed all the shit i worry about here: the ideal of betrayal, when everything happened, a timeline, explanation of my motives, stupid apoligies, asking her “could there ever be a chance of you and me”, pointing out that i wasnt hiding shit from her, that i wanted to talk but tension built up the longer we didnt talk; how and when my feelings started; appealing to the Good Times and the close connection; me asking why are you so offended by this; opening the door to future contact, i will always be willing to talk, but also saying the ball is in your court; and begging please respond hahahaha. these 3-4 emails were an epic journey, quite a lot going on there. im sure made her overwhelmed all over again hahahaha and its EASIER just not to respond ever.

but yeah i just want to know she READ it rather than just blocked them or deleted them without reading. those emails were the only way i could communicate what i wanted to communicate, and i will never know if she even read them!!!!!

and i just have to live with that.

yeah feel the feelings. i am just very heartbroken that an Important Relationship Of My Life ended in such a stupid, hurtful, painful way.

so what hurts more? me with the pain of heartbreak, or her with the ridiculous invalid pain of “being betrayed?”

i am gonna go with the heartbreak hahahaha.

also maybe because she had been betrayed by a guy recently, she automatically saw anything weird that happened with a guy as a BETRAYAL. but dont get it twisted honey. i didnt cheat on you. you werent in love with me. i was in love with you and you treated me like i was a horrible person. come on. getting feelings isnt inherently horrible. it is almost inevitable when a man and a woman are friends for long enough.  sure its uncomfortable and awkward but its not HORRIBLE.

however this is a sophisticated nuance that requires great Emotional Intelligence to recognize. and like all intelligence, men have more emotional intelligence than women, even if women are more Emotional than men. they’re just not smart about it though! they miscommunicate and dont communicate and dont think about the emotions and what they mean, where they come from, what other emotions and thoughts might be under them, and also what emotions the other people are having. empathy.

nope. its just i have my simple story of what i think he was thinking, and thats it. no discussion, just straight dumping.

never read the emails where he actually explains what he is thinking and feeling, cuz they are too long and creepy, because he’s the bad guy here, im the good guy, and i dont have to learn a damn thing about Communication, Emotional Intelligence, or RElationships.  nope.

well i learned a decent amount even if she learned nothing.

well its not like she is BAD at relationships. she just needs to be invested in them and then she can make them last. but she was not invested with me!!! and i thought she would be. that she would be invested enough to not take the easy way out. guess i was wrong. hahahaha.

i just hate feeling like the bad guy. i never had so much self blame as i do now. with other Heartbreaks i was able to make THEM the bad guy and i was fine with that! (even though in the long run its no ones FAULT really, they just dont have the feelings, and its NICE of them to try to let you down easy, they dont HAVE To do that, as we have seen!.

but yeah when they TREAT you like a bad guy, you FEEL like a bad guy, and think wow damn i must have done something that was absolutely HORRIBLE! i am a horrible person and dont even know it! and all my life i have tried NOT to be a horrible person! yet i still end up being one!

anyway i still want her and her long legs and big thighs and pale white skin and big white ass and Nice Mouth and pretty hair and pretty face and nice skin and didnt dress like a 2 dollar whore with whoreclothes and clown make up wawawawawawawawawawaw. ok time for a 4.4 miler.

why she do this to me hahahahaha. wawawawawawaw.

every day i have to fight off urges to contact her. becuase i think she made the wrong decision. we are each entitled to our Emotions, but her emotion that i Betrayed her is Just Wrong. but i dont know for a fact that she feels that way, or just an undifferentiated emotion stew that she never bothered to analyze.

yeah i mean i was pushy annoying desperate and weird to her, at a hard time in her life. not my proudest moment.

but she would rather throw away 2 good years than have ONE HOUR of conversation? i will always be butthurt by that!

and yeah i still want her. i want to be with her. “only wanna be with u” by hootie and the blowfish hahahaha. that would be my theme song for her.

but what would i say that hasnt been said already? i said 90% of this in the 4 emails.

hahahaha maybe i should resend the emails plus a new email, from a brand new email address which she hasnt blocked.

and again, i dont know if she’s BLOCKED email, or just deletes it as soon as she sees it

well she has sent the clear message that she doesnt want to talk to me. period. sooooooo sending her shit saying please respond is just useless.

and you can’t MAKE somebody do something. cant MAKE them love you, cant MAKE them respond to you, cant MAKE them hang out with you, cant MAKE them communicate with you.

well sure you can! you can say “please just do me a favor here. for the sake of our friendship just bite the bullet and do this one thing for me.” and then they can still refuse because they blocked that email hahahaha.

or my drinking friend, i can say “just DO ME A FAVOR, dont drink in front of me”, and then he will respect my wishes, and then say WELP i gotta go put some clothes in the dryer, be back in 2 minutes, chugalug chugalug, hahahahaha. but as long as hes not doing it in front of me thats better.

so she didnt want to do me that favor. because she blocked my email. well i dont know that though. the only thing i know she blocked was facebook.

note: never once did i stalk her or bombard her with messages or do anything commonly associated with blocking.

and usually its the dumped that blocks the dumper. and she was def the dumper and i was the dumped.


so if i send her an email from a new email then i can be sure she wont block it. i cant be sure she’ll READ it, in fact, she probably wont. she’ll see long emails from someone who’s clearly me and then delete them and block THAT email. and if she thinks im the bad guy, that wont change that at all.

and if she doesnt think im the bad guy? she might start to think im the bad guy. i mean creating a new email to send her an email she doesnt have immediately blocked is pretty DESPERATE.

but i Own My Desperation hahahaha. i was desperate because somebody i luved was separating from me and eventually abandoned me, and i didnt want them to. who among you has never been desperate when you were losing the one you loved hahahaha.

its sad and STUPID. i cant tell her how stupid shes being hahahaha. well she is entitled to her STUPID emotions that are a WRONG assessment of me.

so now im abusive because im caller her stupid. because i dont RESPECT her decision to throw me away like trash for something i didnt actually do, and she wont give me a chance to defend myself.

but remember i cant PROVE that she feels betrayed. i can just infer or deduce.

so i should take the easy way out myself and just pick the one thats easier for me to live with? or the one that by occams razor seems the most reasonable explanation? dont complicate or overthink it hahahaha.

also say she feels betrayed and sees me as a monster. i can still see that she is an ok person who just did a shitty think. i have a more nuanced and balanced fair and balanced view of her hahahaha whereas she wrongly sees me as a total monster.

but we dont know she thinks of me like that.

why do i care.

becuase you CARE what people you LOVE think of you!!!!!!

was it unreasonable of me to LOVE her? well KIND OF but also not really! it would be unreasonable of me to fall in luv with her after just a few weeks or month. but to Eventually Get Feelings after a Period of Friendhsip, no i dont think thats unreasonable. it doesnt make you a monster. but she thought i had the feelings all along. well i dont KNOW what she thought!!!!!!

but yeah 3 months later and i still wish i could convince her to Love me and change her mind.

well she didnt say yes, she didnt say MAYBE, she said NO.

well she didnt say ANYTHING! but if she meant MAYBE, she probably would have SAID “MAYBE.”

yeah this obvious message is a door slammed in your face, that means NO, it doesnt mean MAYBE.

but yeah i dont understand why she did it so damn hatefully. i didnt deserve to be treated like that. just tell me no, that a lot better. its amazing what a big difference the communication makes.

ok did a nice 4.5 miler.

shit. you gotta have a MASTERS DEGREE just to be a damn SECRETARY and make 15 DAH. 30 grand a year.

or you can work tech support call center hahahahahahhahahaha. fook id almost rather get a damn useless masters degree.

shit. so. i remember the good times and use them to ignore the bad times. she remembers only the bad times and uses them to forget the good times.

if she could remember the good times maybe she would want to be with me wawawawaw.

so thats why i wish i could contact her, to remind her of the good times. BUT she obviously doesnt want to talk to me or hear from me. i cant change her mind.  she used to be very sensible for a woman, i didnt expect her to be THIS emtionally retarded.

i mean yeah i guess ill get over this eventually but its gonna take SUCH A LONG TIME.

it TAKES such a long time because she was a very important person in my life and i had Very Deep Feelings for her.

so i was wrong for GETTING such deep feelings for her.

yeah a LITTLE bit.  i dont think it was wrong to get SOME feelings for somebody after you really got to know and trust them.

but to go for months and months continuing to fall deeper and deeper in luv, that was my mistake. make an effort not to luv them more than they luv you. i should have said at the BEGINNING of it all,


Uh Oh. i think im starting to get feelings for you. we need to discuss this NOW, because if we dont, its just gonna get worse and worse and destroy my life. so what do you think. could you ever like me too.

well for woman2012 i got feelings for her (a little too quickly) and the feelings continued for 3 fookng YEARS before she caught on and i told her.  and i did not go crazy and have a meltdown after 10 months hahahaha.

well that was partially because the stress level in my life was much much much much lower. my job was much less stressful. i was not so anxious, moreso just lazy and despairing.

so yeah i guess it CAN go on forever if you dont have a lot of stress in your life. but really i was not happy about wasting those 3 years. i would MUCH rather “waste” ten months than 3 years.

also i was much closer and friendlier with w15 than w12. so i probably had deeper feels/luv for w15 than w12. and i had pretty legit feels for w12!!!!

so uhhhhh lesson learned, if you have a LOT of stress in you life because of your stupid job, and now you are starting to stress out about your female friend who works at that job too……you will have a damn nervous breakdown after 10 months hahahahahahaha so blurt it out in the first 3 months.

it was two very stresful situations colliding!!! worlds collide! worlds of horrible anxious stress!

so yeah i was stupid for falling too deep in luv too fast. a SMALL CRUSH would have been acceptable. but to fall HARD in LUV was TOO MUCH.

and i was stupid for not telling her earlier.

but no i just bottled it up and got desperate. and i let myself continue to be anxious and desperate when i could have just blurted the shit out right then and there. becuase i was that much of a coward.

and she was a coward too. and yes she did overreact considering my “Crime.” GOD help me if i ever think she didnt overreact. i fight that feel every day. oh god it was all my fault, she didnt overreact, she treated me like i deserved for being a damn horrible coward and weirdo and horrible weak loser.