sheeeeeeeeeeeit. i just start having babies with women as soon as i turn 17 and the hormones start flooding. then when they have the babies i just say sheeeeeeeeeeeit dat aint mah keeeeeeid. and then never pay child support and never be a father and be like sheeeeit aint mah dam keeeid. then by the time i was 30 i would have 10 kids and wouldnt have to take care of them, and would have been a Winner at the Reporductive Game!
i would be so nervous at muh job that i couldnt even eat lunch. i would wait 6 hours, then try to eat lunch, then eat half of it at most. i wouldnt be able to eat until i had been at home for a few hours. and of course then its time for bed and you shouldnt eat a big meal right before bed, bceause then you wont be able to sleep.
i couldnt sleep anyway cuz i was worried about the next day of WORK. !!!!
so yeah. not being able to eat, not being able to sleep, and when i got home i would just read work shit furiously trying to study for a test i was unprepared for.
ITS LIKE THOSE DAMN DREAMS i used to have, used to be a pretty common dream for me, where i would be In College, then realize oh shit i havent gone to this class in MONTHS!!!!! then i go then there is a huge exam and i am not prepared at all.
the job was like having a huge exam every day and you not being prepared at all, but instead of workign on problems in silence, you have a caller hovering over you pressing you to fix it as fast as possible, because you’re suposed to know shit, thats your JOB.
so the only way you could try to prepare was to STUDY work shit when you got home, on a regular basis, for MONTHS, until you developed SOME confidence and SOME of the anxiety went away. but in the meantime not eating or sleeping well at all. and one of your big at work moral supports has turned against you and wont talk to you. not jsut moral support but the woman you wanted to Walk Down The Path of Life with for years to come.
is it really because All Women are Mercenaries? Not Loyal, untrustworthy, like muh Game Blogs say? that even the most pure virginal prude will give it up EASY for Alphas, yet make life a living hell for betas. so my low number low mileage perfect angel will give it up after 1 date with a charming alpha, same as any common tattooed gutter slut would.
so thats why you have several women, you cant keep them in line nearly as efficiently as they keep each other in line!
hehe. i wish you could just get women to take a POLYGRAPH. how many men have you had secs with? and how long did you know him when you first had secs? tell us about all the times you cheated, or did something that was shady and kinda like cheating. ever had secs with more than one guy in the space of a day? a week? a month? how loyal are you? are you still hung up on your first Real Boifran?
men value loyalty so much because thats how they know the baby is theirs. women could care less about loyalty because it just isnt RELEVANT to them. they can always find a new man, a better man. brachiating apes, making sure their hand is on a better branch, before letting go of the last.
but is it really true that women dont benefit from loyalty? i mean a loyal man will provide more resources right? make it easier to raise a keeid. so yeah why SHOULDNT women value loyalty?
well, they VALUE it but they dont respect it? they dont LOVE it? wtf?????
men are honest and straightforward enough to LOVE WHAT THEY VALUE. hahahaha. they dont leech off a resource like a greedy leech. or a suspender snapping oil sheikh sucking all the oil out of the well.
(i dont really think sheikhs wear suspenders)
but god damn can they buy a harem of 18 year old white qtz hahahahaha
so why dont OIL RICH islamic arab countries like saudi arabia, oman, bahrain, qatar, kuwait, and UAE take in poor syrian/iraqi migrants? saudi arabia is already pre-equipped with Temporary Tent Cities that they used to house 1 MILLION Pilgrims every year for the yearly mecca pilgrimage. not like super shitty tents either. but practically hotel rooms.
whoops getting political again, and i am not allowed to have a poltiical opinion, because i am a loser, and my hateful racist nationalist right wing political beliefs reflect/project that loserness in every way. they are not carefully considered rational political opinions. they are all based in womanly emotion about my loserness hahahahaha.
heh. joining the PEACE CORPS would have been a good career move for me, it always looks great on a resume and makes you hirable for a 15 DAH job better than serving in the military does. (which is a damn DISGRACE.)
but its not like its EASY to get into the peace corps. you have to make it your mission in life. passion. there are too many people trying to get in and very limited spots. also you cant be a hateful despairing nihilist and pass the interviews. its easier to get a damn JOB.
plus you have no control over where they send you.
oh believe me i thoguth about this at age 22, 23 as well, and i still had the same despairing nihilist mindset.
so i decided i might have a better shot with “americorps.”
i had a brief phone interview with a nonprofit director who was a total dick and he questioned my sincerity because i didnt have a big volunteering or activist background. if i really wanted to HELP people, why didnt i “just hop on a plane” and help hurricane katrina victims? because everyone who does this sort of work is usually privileged enough to just hop on a plane at every whim, otherwise they would be working a NORMAL JOB and not even looking at nonprofits. so he was like youre basically not mature or developed enough for this americorp job hahahaha and that was humiliating. he was RIGHT but he was still a huge dick about it.
this was for a position in chicago and i picked it mainly because of that, because at that time, i thought chicago was the place to be. not sure why. its cold and full of faggot hipsters on one side and black thug gangs on the other. well because back then i was still a Leftist and i thought Saving Communities through Nonprofits was a Noble Idea.
soon after i got a ridiculous “job” with a local Nonprofit and saw how i did not fit in at all. i mean these were hardcore leftist activist marxists who work for noprofits, then spend their free time volunteering with even more marxist groups that are too political to even become a nonprofit. it was still better than my last Job but it was weird as fook.
i was still despairing and nihilistic back then, but i drank alot and i was still holding on to the last vestiges of muh leftism. but i would soon let go of that and be the better person for it hahahaha.
funny though i did essentially get approved for an americorps position…..BUT I TURNED IT DOWN!!!!! because i got nervous about moving out to Rural Oregon, funny enough, right near where that huge College Shooting happened in 2015. so i kinda regret not doing that. because obviously nothign wrong with rural oregon, i mean come on thats SWEET. but at the time i was all about the big city. meeting young women essentially. horrible modern career women. come on. what an idiot. also, that plan didnt work out either!
well i cant say i turned down anything that was offered to me since then hahahaha. that was in late 2006. i would have been out of there long before the shooting hahaha.
continued to drink alot and think women were oppressed, thats why they were such huge disappointing sluts. they had a false consciousness and thought they were enjoying what was really oppression from the patriarchy hahahaha. i read feminist blogs and thought amanda marcotte was smart and brave hahahahaha. wow. well i THANK GOD i at least improved in one area of my life. also i stopped drinking.
so i quit leftism and quit drinking, but i was STILL filled with despair and could not get a job or a woman.
but i managed to stay away from drinking and leftism. shit it would be physically impossible for me to go back to leftism.
i began taking meds and seeing a shrink. to help directly address muh despair.
did it help? i guess a little, but certainly not a lot. i had to do that work muhself hahahaha.
i managed to get a shitty but easy fun job and took 76 credits of Moar College. i fell in luv with woman2012. i guess this might have been a relative high of muh life, around….2010, 2011. that failed with woman 2012 in 2012. i met woman2015 almost at the exact same time as woman2012 rejected me, and we became friends quickly. i left the job to go to a horrible job in late 2013. i fell in luv with her in 2014. shit went horribly horribly wrong in 2015. and here i am now. hahahaha i wish i could have told her my life story. i mean i could but i didnt. maybe if she had known me better, she would have felt more luv and loyalty towards me.
so therefore its my fault right. because i didnt self disclose enough for her to really get to know me. therefore it was all my fault.
well i disclosed a little. she just needed me to give her moral support as she went through a tuff time wiht her bf hahahahahahahah. at that time i didnt care, i wanted her to fix shit with her bf. i think she wanted to fix shit with him. but he was just done.
remember i didnt get feelings for her until he was out of the picture. otherwise i would ahve said something way way way way before!!!!!!!!
when did i start getting weak and vulnerable? prob not till about jan or feb 2015. because bitches will leave you when they detect vulnerability from you, even though you stand by them when they are vulnerable. up to december 2014 so i was still RELATIVELy confident, so therefore should have expressed my feelings then.
and then the longer i bottled it up after that, the more vulernable and weak and pathetic i became, and the more respect she lost for me. which is not fair. she should have been like your my friend, i can see you are hurting, whats wrong, lets hang out and talk about it hahahahaha. and i woulda said okay. and then been like im in luv with u wawawawawawawawawawa
men love you in good times and bad. women might be nice to you in good times but will freeze up and abandon you during bad times. mercenaries! opportunists! fairweather! sellouts! betrayors! traitors! DAY OF THE ROPE!
i knew she was changing. she knew i was changing. i just didnt expect it to end like this, and it seemed to happen suddenly. it was that damn event.
ok so i should have gone up to her and said direclty, “do you CONSENT to me sitting with you during this event, or do you want me to go off by myself again and leave you alone?”
because thats the type of thing you ask someone youve been friends with for 2 years when you see them at an event!
well when they are giving you signs that they dont want you around, yes you do!
well i wanted to talk to her about why she was giving me those signs! rather than just say oh okay i guess ill go eat worms. fook.
see im doing it again. overanalyzing the situation to prove how i was to blame, and she was completely innocent.
because i didnt ask her consent to sit with her. come on.
also if she told me to leave i would have left. like she did when i visited her at work. i left and then apologized SORRY FOR BEING SO WEIRD god damn.
hahhaahaha i regret apologizing and groveling too much SORRY MY PRINCESS may i go prep your big black bull now. he can fook me in the ass before he fooks you in the ass.
i just assumed she fooked every guy she knew, like a slut. hahahaha. well i know she didnt. that was part of my vetting process. if she had a ton of guy friends i woulda been suspicious. but she didnt have many friends PERIOD. i thought that was kewl. she spent more time hanging out with her FAMILY than with her few friends, and when her friends became bad influences like being huge losers who did drugs or cheated or partied too much, she got away from that bad behavior. she ABANDONED them hahahahaha.
so was that a red flag for her abandoning me? because now i was a bad influence on her? even though i didnt do drugs or party or i was not nearly as dysfunctional and trashy as they were? white trash cheating on my long term partner, raging alcoholic, Pain Pill Popperz? none of that for me! my only flaws was i liked her, and i was weak and vulnerable and emo. well that was enough for her to cut me loose!
plus i am curious at how she feels about all this! i think part of her is hurt to lose someone she once thought of as a Good Friend and now that person isnt there any more. because she cut them loose. doesnt she MISS the good times and good connection? i wanted to know that. but i never will.
and i know if she feels a little guilty abotu it, she could possibly be prompted into apologizing? but she needs to be PUSHED? hehehehe i have pushed her enough havent i? yes. see you get temptations to contact them ALL THE TIME. but i know i shouldnt. because………the balls in her court. why should i beg for an apology? i begged for everything else and it didnt work. begging for an apology is even worse than when you are a kid and your family makes you apologize for something youre not really sorry for. although i would take that too hahahaha. like if her mom said, you shouldnt have done that, he was such a Good Guy, and you treated him horrible. now get in contact with him and apologize and hope he doesnt hate you too much to accept it!!!
went to the shrink. i actually like going to the shrink. when i can talk about this shit its better than writing about it. i dont even remember what the shrink says most of the time. i do 80% of the talking hahahaha.
uh am i supposed to write down the negative thoughts that come into my head. of course i mentioned dr david d burns md and his “feeling good” book as muh personal favorite. oh god bless dr david d burns md.
ok so look for Cognitive Distortions. such as All Women Are Like That hahahaha.
Distrotion: all or nothing thinking, disqualifying the positive.
dr david d burns favorite song is “never let go” by TOM WAITS? COME ON! would it be weird of me to have a platonic nongay marriage to this 80 year old man? hahahaha.
anyway. stuff like
all women will treat me as bad as she did!
well, really most women would treat me WORSE! she was already in the top 1% of women hahahaha.
see i answered one cognitive distortion WITH ANOTHER EVEN WORSE ONE!
so maybe shes in the top 2% and i wanna find someone in the top 1%.
if anything, that kind of behavior should DEMOTE her to the Bottom 50%!
the idea that muh life and path and journey is like a plane and now i know better about how to pilot it to avoid rough patches, like the shit i learned from this horrible experiences. namely communicate wtih the women and never hold back. if you get feelings tell them immediately before you start gettig too ATTACHED to them.
otherwise you will become Enmeshed with them Codependently.
say the words “we need to talk” and write them a letter if they refuse to hang out with you.
of course if they exhibit HUge Red Flags as you get to know them, like tattoos, kids, previous cheating, high mileage, lying, uhhh pump and dump son.
she had some red flags but i felt she overcame them. because she wasnt a huge whore. well that was good. she was a risk for being a huge whore because of “father issues.” but she was not a slut. and she was loyal to her other boifrans. was not super loyal to me though. cuz she didnt have feeligns for me. i guess i had no hint of how she would act with a Male Friend who fell in Luv with her. she didnt seem to have any male friends other than 1 gay guy so that was ok. like i say she wasnt super social extraverted like most normie sluts. and i liked that she wasnt.
there was one super dorky guy who liked her but they werent FRIENDS the way i was with her! so she just ignored him and never hung out with him hahahahaha. but i dont think she unfriended or blocked him!
she must have thought i betrayed the friendship by getting feelings for her. good thing i addressed that in an email and said nope i am not BETRAYING you, this just sorta happened and i just wanted to TALK about it rather than HIDE it, and you wont even meet me for ONE HOUR to have a private talk about it. what am i supposed to grab you on a 15 minute break from work and tell you then and hope no other people are around?
well it really doesnt take 15 minutes to say the most important stuff.
you go out with them on a 15 minute break, say hey can i talk to you in private for FIVE minutes, take them away from the group of people n break, say hey i have feelings for you, DONE. in under ONE minute. then return to the group hahahahaha.
then they can run away crying, never talk to you again, and tell everyone else what a piece of shit you are hahahaha.
i was not ABUSIVE. i was pushy, annoying, and desperate, but i was not ABUSIVE.
i have had friends annoy me but i have never had them be pushy or desperate to me.
well if i HAD, then i would see how RIGHT it was for me to Cut Them Loose without saying one god damn word to them right.
see how i keep standing up for HER, and not for myself? ashamed so much of my actions? i should be taking my own side! not being my own worst enemy. well, besides her of course hahahaha.
but yeah i think i would have wrote the person an email explaining please stay away from me, maybe you are in love with me, well im sorry but im not in love with you, lets have some time apart, youre not a bad person but please stop bothering me, im not gonna respond, im just gonna block your phone and email and facebook, i wont even see the stuff you send me, you have been notified. sorry to upset you. the end.”
and thats all folks! she could ahve done that much!