LUV YR SELF

1012

yeah she had this woe is me, im a poor victim mentality which probably wasnt good. makes white knights want to swoop in and help her and she can reject them and blame them because shes the defensive victim hahaha. but she honestly had horrible things happen in her life so it was kinda justified. but i dont think she was Raeped or Molested suprisingly enough, and that might have been the final straw for me, becuase girls that had been raeped/molested are often SO batshit crazy, and promiscuous, and she didnt have that. her family was good to her, there was just some people dying in tragic ways that she had a hard time gettnig over. but maybe it was healthy grief and she was just honoring their memories.

well i can think of someone else where she could have honored their memory for the good years had. hahahaha.

the same broken record its always gonna be.

why’d she do this?

because she wanted to be done and this was the easy way out. easier than having The Final Talk.

how could she do this to someone who was once her special friend? because she didnt see me as her special friend anymore. that was over. so therefore i wasnt gonna get any respect or mercy or kindness.

so what if that phase is over. respect what once was. i know shes still the same person i was friends with, then feel in luv with, then she became a royal B. but was still the same person, but people change, but they can still get back to their Good Old Selves cant they?

in other words this is where the unanswered questions come in. like yeah she can decide im no longer her friend, but i think she should have still recognized What We Had, and shown consideration for that when Ending The Rel. that that would have persuaded her to NOT take the easy way out, that that would have made the easy way out seem blatantly WRONG, whcih i think it was!!!!!

so thats why i am always harping on her “showing the relationship the respect it deserves” etc. so why didnt she? becuase she didnt like me that way, she was annoyed with me, and she wanted the easy way out.

yeah it just hurts hahahaha. feel the feelings. i thought she would be convinced to NOT take the easy way out, because even though things were bad now, she would remember how good they were in the past. did those times ever matter? i think they did. but…when did she forget them? i will never know. maybe she didnt forget them, but Easy Way Out is a TEMPTING, POWERFUL thing.

in a way i did the same thing, by just quitting muh job. i just shut down and couldnt do it any more. also things would have gotten ugly as fook. i do not deal with the Rejector well afterwards hahahaha.

shit. anyway. i guess i am angry that she didnt find out Friendship special enough to treat me like a human being, that this wouldnt outweigh easy way out. never underestimate easy way out though.

well, is she the type of person more likely to Run Away, or to Face Conflict Head On?

to ask the question is to answer it hahahaha.

so it really is consistent with her personality in a way.

its very disappointing tho.

but i dont need to come up with elaborate rationalizations to be disappointed, because…..

its very valid and reasonable to be very disappointed when someone you LOVE DUMPS you! period! and then even moreso when they dump you in a Bad way compared to a good way! the end!

hehehe i should have been a Geography Major hahahaha when i am angry and emotional i just look at google maps and geek out for 15 minutes at least.

so how can we work Engineering into that. Always try to work Engineering into your College Major choice hahaha.

Relationship Psychology Engineering.

“neuropsychology engineering”, engineering psych drugs, biomedical, etc would be good choices for my interest.

as far as the maps? geospatial engineering? civil engineering? yeah thats prob in a nearby ballpark.

but i have never been super interested in science or tech or engineering!

i look at the map and think well whats the history of this country, how did it get this border, what ethnic groups live here, who has controlled this area, is this place a shithole, etc.

or you learn shit, like the “west bank” area of “palestine” is HUGE, its practically as big as the “regular” part of israel, and famous cities like bethlehem and jericho are in the “west bank.” and it goes right the fook up to jerusalem, which is divided into east and west, and a lot of the super historical stuff like western wall, mount of olives, calvary etc are in a more “palestinian” than “jewish” part of jerusalem? why isnt there more terror attacks in jerusalem against the zionist oppressors hahahaha. you would think jerusalem would be a constant war zone right now as we speak.

or weird islands in the middle of the ocean like the azores. how far are the azores from bermuda. what is the most civilized first world country closet to the equator, becuase i want to live somewhere warm but not in a third world shithole, or the damn cannibal rainforest, or the arabian desert, or the african desert hahahahaha.

or places where three countries come together. for example, poland, czech, and germany. i mean 3 countries have a “TRIPOINT” in MANY places throughout the world, not a big deal really, but i still enjoy some of them.

or did you know indonesia was a member of OPEC until 2008 or so.

or the island of Borneo has Malaysia, brunei, and indonesia on it. a section of malaysia that is quite separated from “mainland” malaysia.

or why does libya have oil but egypt doesnt. or why are there no big cities in the sinai peninsula. is it because its a total fooking desert? and its stupid to have a big city in the desert?

or where is macau in relation to hong kong. or where does the philipines and japan begin.

or india is shaped REALLY weird on its eastern side.

or kazakhstan is so ridiculously big and how does it not have oil or some sort of natural resources.

or that the bering strait is not that big and there is an american island right in the middle of it that is only like 20 miles from russia so technically the us and russia are “neighbors.”

so yeah i have a genuine interest and curiousity in maps, one of my most normalfag qualities. wish i had realized this earlier and used it to make a career when i was young. although i always liked loking at the globe and maps when i was a small child. but we didnt have google maps and also i was too lazy to spend much time with the bigass world atlas books in the liberry.

wow i am watching the bbc world news channel and it is leftist as fook, even moreso than msnbc, but it makes me feel smart and informed more than any american news channel hahahaha. real smug asshole. cuz it talks about world news and i am interested in the whole world. but not in a global way hahahaha. i am anti-global. i am A NATIONALIST. we should close our damn borders and manufacture our own shit hahaha.

ANYWAY, i dont need to EXPLAIN why i am VERY UPSET about being dumped. it doesnt NEED that many mental gymnastics.

but its just AMAZING how LONG it takes to STOP LOVING the person. even though you KNOW its done, you KNOW they arent coming back, you KNOW they dont Luv you, you KNOW its stupid and can never be fixed. you still luv them and want them back. you still think about them ALL THE TIME even though you havent SEEN them or talked to them in MONTHS. you still love them more than some Rando. even thoguh you are done with them and havent seen them in months.

shit if i am still hung up on them and i havent seen them (her), how they hell could i work wth her 8 hours a day.

http://www.returnofkings.com/16837/24-signs-shes-a-slut

hahaha i should read return of kings more. i went back here to read matt forneys explosive girls with tattoos article

http://www.returnofkings.com/45334/5-reasons-why-girls-with-tattoos-andor-piercings-are-broken

and its just filled with good reads about how slutty and stupid Almost All Women Are hahahahaha

http://mattforney.com/myth-female-intelligence/

” Face it: the vast majority of girls are as hollow as a drum. The three or four surplus IQ points that college-educated girls have are wasted on them, because all they’re used for is rationalizing a life of mindless consumption and sluttiness. If the modern West is a cesspool, girls are its most devoted coprophages, gulping down runny diarrhea by the bucketload with forced smiles on their faces. ”

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha i think i just fell in luv with matt forney

http://www.returnofkings.com/23539/26-more-signs-shes-a-slut

(not forney hahaha)

so i was begging to be treated like a human being and when i didnt get it, i worried about how it was all my fault, blaming myself? COME ON. dont be RIDICULOUS. this is treating her like an INFANT. of course many women are emotional infants, but they dont HAVE to be. HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE.

she could have chosen to be respectful to me.

oh it was because i didnt have good RELATIONSHIP GAME. because i started to show weakness and vulnerability. so, all my fault.

well fook you. i think a good woman will stand by her man when times are tough. i mean they DONT, but they should. because i am assuming women are LOYAL and TRUSTWORHTY like men are. but they jsut dont have it in them! they are MERCENARIES!

i figured out women will have babies with Bad Deadbeats even though the risk is so big, because Teenagers both men and women are horny as fook and that clouds their brain. an 18 year old girl or boy are both horny as hell and will fook deadbeats. and nature is priming humans to be horny as hell shortly after puberty, so they can REPRODUCE YOUNG. and when you are YOUNG, your hormones are RAGING and you cant think straight, especially for long term mates. you dont think straight  until age 25 but ideally by then the woman already has 5 kids!

so that sounds a bit r selected then?

bbbbut the woman needs a resource provider while she is pregnant all the time! so who does that? the husband? the husbands family? the wifes family? cuz theoretically the woman can fall back on her family to help if the father is a deadbeat. well this certainly is the case i think with many single mothers.

anyway i was just wondering how woman could be so easily fooled into having long term babies with short term men. because they are so damn horned up with the hormones of adolescence to understand the implications of being a woman and having babies. becuase essentially humans are optimized to start having children YOUNG, at like age 16 or 17. we have Old Brains that are not optimized to the modern world we live in.

so thats why women are so gullible and have babies with ANYONE. cuz Horny Hormones at age 17 make you do stupid things, unless you are damn physically restrained by your family.

so i tried thinking of the last time i was super annoyed by somebody, to try to image what my damn female ex friend was thinking. obviously an exercise in futility that hahahaha. most people that ANNOY me are just random strangers being obnoxious and stupid. not anyone who’s CLOSE to me like a friend.

the closest thing is a friend who annoys me in the sense that he consistently disappoints me with his stupid drinking. so i distance myself from him. but i always go hang out with him when he calls me. cuz i dont want to write him off entirely. i always give him another chance. then i visit him and he is drinking and its disappointing, annoying, frustrating. this guy is a Problem Drinker ok, not a social drinker drinking moderately. drinking will obviously Ruin His Life and everybody that cares abotu him wants him to stop drinking like an idiot.

also i am not in love with him hahahaha.

but he annoys me with this so i am distant from him. but i know deep down hes a good guy and that he could stop drinking if he wanted and we get along a lot better when he is not drinking.

i dont want to have a Serious Talk with him about his Drinking because it just wont help. but i am not giving him the Silent Treatment. when he calls me i answer and go hang out with him. just not as regularly as we once did. and i talk to him. and if he wanted to have a serious talk with me i would.

however i have tried to assert myself by saying “dont drink while I’m here. I cant control what you do when i’m not here, but just do me a god damn favor because i’m asking you, dont drink in front of ME.”

but he still finds other ways to annoy me and Push My Boundaries. like i have to blow into his damn car ignition lock because he was drinking before i came over. or buying booze to drink when i leave. come on.

but like i say. thats a different kind of relationship. i have know this guy for 15+ years, i am not in love with him, we have had our ups and downs.

well ok. what if he were begging me to please just hang out and communicate. i would say ok lets do that!

besides. ok so he is the symbol of me. but what he’s doing is a lot worse!!!! him throwing his damn life away on booze is a lot worse than me saying “please baby lets hang out and try to save our rel”.

so yeah in other words i SHOULDNT BE BLAMING MYSELF. AT ALL.

i wasnt perfect but guess what neither was she, she was WAY WORSE. 60 40. hahaha. more like 70 30. nobodys fooking perfect. and maybe women are terrible at loyalty , but i say bullshit. thats NO EXCUSE. i will not let women GET AWAY with that. well women are allowed to treat you like shit, just because women aren’t loyal. fook that shit. learn to be loyal bitch hahahaha.

bbbbut i deserved this, becuase in her mind, I had already betrayed and ended the friendship the moment i got feelings.

heh i addressed this point in an email to her which got no response.

it changes the relationship sure, but its not a BETRAYAL. you need to communicate about it. it doesnt make the person who got the feelings a bad person.

its amazing how much time and energy ive spent trying to convince myself that i didnt deserve this, that im not a horrible person.

well when someone you love treats you like a horrible person, you start to think youre a damn horrible person! but im not! what she did is a lot more horrible than anything i did! fook!

and i make EXCUSES FOR HER, and i make excuses as to why yes i AM a horrible person wholly to blame!

well i do that because i LOVE her and this is what LOVE makes you do. crazy, self-destructive shit. in a healthy rel, it becomes a somewhat more healthy sense of Being Willing To Make Sacrifices For The Person You Love. which can obviously be taken advantage of.

anyway yeah i am starting to think more logically, or at least i can see the logical continent ahead of me on the horizon as i gradually sail towards it. i know what the logical position is. namely, i didnt deserve this. i was wronged.

i need to beat this point into my thick skull. honestly its taken a very long time.

so i wasnt alpha enough and didnt play my relationship game well enough. she could have still been nicer, more gentle. when you DUMP someone, dump them gently. its just the right thing to do when you DUMP somebody.

bbbbbbut she never wanted to date , therefore she never ASKED to be in the position to DUMP me, therefore she doesnt have to be nice about it.

see how i refuse to take my own side? and always take hers?

that is again the love for her, and the lack of love for myself, and the Bad Boundaries. but love kind of muddies the boundaries anyway. i think that’s normal for love to do. kinda like how its NORMAL to put the p on a pedestal, thats kidna what luv IS.

but this is exactly why you confess the love EARLY, so the boundaries dont get too screwed up before you find out the other person doesnt love YOU.

so i would say its normal, right, and natural for LOVE to erode your boundaries, make you ptu the other person on a pedestal, make sacrifices for them, be loyal to them, etc etc.

this makes mutual luv VERY good, but it makes one sided luv VERY painful. but thats what makes luv powerful. makes it such a powerful connection. its not INHERENTLY bad. but it can often be bad if you, like me, get into stupid one sided unrequited luv situations. fook that shit.

thats why its better to blurt it out EARLY. it saves YOU a lot of pain. be selfish. love your self. spare yourself a LOT of pain!!!!

 

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