DESPAIR DISORDER

107

it has been 85 days since i was horrible abandoned and possibly betrayed and i feel….lazy and dull and hopeless but a lot better than i did at day 1 hahahaha. gotta get in muh 8.6 miles

LETTER PORTION

you were a big part of my life. i cared about you a lot and thought about you a lot. you mattered a lot to me. not in an obsessive creepy way, but in a caring way. when two people feel this way about each other, it often results in a relationship. when only one person feels this way, its one sided and they will have to detach. that is painful for that person. i know you were already detaching from me. i know you cared for me at one point, but probably when you saw i had a different kind of feelings for you, you thought nope cant do that, and started detaching.

i say the world relationship because a friendship IS a kind of relationship and we had that.

anyway for the last 5 months things were strained as you pulled away from me, and i pushed towards you. it was clear we were moving towards each other. and that i was chasing you and you were running away, because you didnt want to be chased, and not by me.

im sorry i annoyed you by pushing, but i want you to understand why i pushed. because i liked you, and because i was scared to have you leave my life really. i didnt want to imagine a life without you. i wasnt pushing you to dominate or control or abuse or manipulate you. i also wanted to talk about the direction our friendship was going. when big things happen you have to talk about them and not just send signals by avoiding talking. talking is healthy and good. talking helps people move forward and get through things and resolve things and get towards a win win resolution. talking helps people get all their feelings our and to feel heard and understood.

i mean you have to understand this on some level. i understand them and ive never been in a long term relationship with a woman. in fact our friendship is the longest relationship ive had with a woman. all the women ive “dated” have been for short periods of time, so really your and my relationship is more important to me than those. i like long term relationships with people. i have male friends ive been friends with for many years. a big goal of mine is to have a long term relationship with a woman, but also not “just” a friendship, but a special relationship, with intimacy and special feelings. exactly what many people have. just a regular long term dating relationship, monogamous, serious. like what you and the guy had for 4 years. thats the kind of relatiosnhip i want.

obviously you dont enter something like this lightly, kind of like marriage or having children. its a serious thing. thats why it took me so long to build those serious feelings for you. i didnt feel like this when i first met you. i liked you and got along with you and you with me, but dating you was the last thing on my mind. it took a long, long time for me to wake up to the idea. not because you were subpar in any way, but because my heart was somewhat closed, and also i was very, very cautious and have become slow to get feelings for anyone, becuase of having my heart broken in the past, and getting feelings too fast. i didnt want to do that again. with you it happened gradually and i believe that is the best way.

anyway when such an important person is removed from your life, there is a void and emptiness and there is great pain. it is almost like somebody dying. but they’re still there, they just dont want to be a part of your life. it takes a long time for the heart to heal. it can be done, i will get over it, but until then theres a LOT of pain, for a LONG time. when you have deep feelings, when the feelings get rejected, it takes a long time to heal.

these are kind of basic common sense things that i think you already know. its all part of being in a relationship and falling in love. i know you have done those things before. well its the same thing thats happening to me, except our relationship was not able to get to that next level.

thats just a fact of life, people cant really choose who they love, or when they fall in love. for me it made perfect sense and it felt very natural: to happen after a long time, with a female friend i knew and trusted. it made sense and felt right. however the timing was horrible given what was going on in your life, with your other relationships, with your feelings, with your family. but unfortunately i could not control my feelings enough to stop them from happening even though my brain understood fully it was a horrible time. it was too late, the feelings were already there and i couldnt turn them off.

i know i annoyed you and i didnt communicate well but is that enough reason to hate me? how much did that hurt you? the pain i am feeling is the worst devastation i have felt in years. my heart is completely broken and i feel like i am at rock bottom. i cant believe it ended this way. i dont think i deserved to be thrown away in this way. i wish you had shown me more respect. this is such a disrespectful way to end a relationship. we had a difference of opinion as to where the relationship should go, and because of that, it only makes sense that the relationship come to a natural end. thats fine. i accept that. but to end it this way seems kind of unnatural, like pulling the plug, or executing someone, or letting a person drown as they cry for help, letting go of a person and they fall off a cliff, smothering a weak elderly person with a pillow in the face as they moan and writhe helplessly.

a much better way would be to have a respectful communication.

i had respect for you, couldnt you have respect for me?

i was there for you and gave you comfort and did not judge you when you showed me your vulnerable side. The minute i showed you my vulnerable side you seemed to hate me and walk away from me.

if i were in your position i would have talked the person and simply said, i dont want to hurt you, you are a good person, but i just cant be with you like that. i dont have feelings for you like that. period. simple. it really doesnt take long to say everything that needed to be said, but it would have spared such a ridiculous amount of pain for me. i wish you could have done that one last thing for me. when other women dumped me they gave me “the talk.” it still hurt but i know it would have hurt more without it. because im experiencing that right now, and this hurts a lot more than any other dumping ive ever had. just give me a talk please.

and if you hate me? yeah i guess i would be upset about that too. i understand you not feeling for me, but i just cant understand you hating me. that is going to have to be on you, your problem. i can understand how i was annoying you. but i had a right to want to talk too. friends hang out with each other and talk when there is a problem. it wasnt a bad horrible thing for me to want to talk. talking and hanging out is a healthy, normal, good thing. its not like i was trying to abuse you, or manipulate or control you, or separate you from your family and friends, or make you do drugs, or make you my slave. i just wanted to hang out and talk. and we had done that many times before! we were friends who hung out one on one and talked! and then suddenly just stopped cold turkey, altogether. that in and of itself was painful. so for me the pain and heartbreak started months ago really. but i was desperately, delusionally optimistic that one day we WOULD talk.

NOT necessarily save the friendship, NOT necessarily that you would return my feelings, but that we would simply TALK, exchange thoughts and feelings, and end the relationship peacefully.

THAT was my idea of a WIN: to end the relationship peacefully. anything better than that was a bonus which i was not expecting at all.

but i am angry because i cant understand why you wouldnt even write me an email or a text. all that needed to be said could be contained in one or two texts. you would rather throw away a long term friendship with hard feelings, than send two texts? that just boggles my mind.  a person could not possibly BE that annoying. you dont do that for any amount of annoying. you only do that when somebody is abusing you. i was not abusing you. i was trying to do something healthy and normal and unabusive. talking, communicating is not something bad or abusive. i wanted to talk and to listen. to have a real two way conversation.

you could have gotten angry at me! screamed at me for being annoying! thats fine!

i should have stood up for myself more. if someone is bothering you, you have to let them know, because they might honestly not be aware. like when you told me to give you space. i should have told you, it hurts and disrespects me when you utterly refuse to talk or hang out with me, OR give me some sort of timeframe, like give me this much space and we will hang out on january 20th or something. or we can stop hanging out, or take a break, but have a conversation with me so we are clear. so i should have told you that your distancing was hurting me, and crossing my boundary, because i couldnt just stay away from you forever. what would you have done if [first guy] told you to stay away from him forever and you had already been friends with him for years? i bet youd find that hard to do.

but yeah. it just hurts like hell when you end a relationship with no talking, no communication, no exchange of anything. even getting mad at each other and both of us screaming at each other and both of us saying i hate you forever and storming off would have been better. but this coldness hurts so much, it makes it feel like i never meant anything to you at all as a person…..and i know thats not true. but i just cant get through to you. i know you cant make anyone do anything, but god i wish you would, just to spare me some pain, just to show me one final act of kindness. you used to be so kind to me.

i should have told you that i was upset about you avoiding me.

you should ahve told me that you hated me and wanted me out of your life.

what bothered me a lot was how you did not seem even remotely willing to do anything to help me, to meet me halfway, to not hurt me.  no willingness to talk or communicate at ALL. rather discard an entire long term relationship than to have ONE talk, ONE phone call, ONE email. it only would have taken an hour or less.

 

 

///// END OF LETTER PORTION

4.4 miler noice.

i am just always afraid of a woman leaving me because she can find somebody better. hypergamy. its real. plus i am kinda a loser so its not hard to find a better man/mate than me. you really have to get to know me to see my Value, and most women arent gonna take that kind of time. shit even if they DO they’ll still leave you for a Better Man. richer, more successful, more badboi, more charismatic, more fun, more exciting, more new, more cool, more interesting, taller, handsomer, younger, cooler, higher status, bigger dick, more testosterone, more confidence, there’s always a better man around the corner, there’s better men being born every day, when you are a 30 year old loser, there are plenty of 20 year old young men who are bigger winners than you. who show potential, rather than show WASTED potential hahahaha.

thoughts like this all day! that is the way muh despair works.

i like the word DESPAIR much better than “depression.” i can barely even say that word! but DESPAIR seems so much more accurate. i have DESPAIR DISORDER.

women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of commitment. i was ready to commit to her, to give her the most important thing i could give, and she had not even given me sex!

although women give away their most valuable gift too easily anyway. men should not give their commitment until women have given their own commitment.

NEVER COMMIT TO A WOMAN UNTIL SHE COMMITS TO YOU FIRST.

never get feelings for a woman until she gets feelings for you first.

if you feel feelings coming on……well that happens. then tell the gurl ASAP. start giving big signals asap, if she doesnt understand them asap, then tell her verbally asap. then you’re done and have done all you can and the ball is in her court and she can say yes no or i donnnnnnnn knoooooowwwwwwww. which probably means no.

they might not be sure if they want OUT, but they sure as hell dont want IN! Ambivalence. Ambivalence is never good. always bad. ambivalence is as good as a NO.

was i ambivalent about her? no!!! well, thats not entirely true. there WAS a while where i was just not sure. i tried not to think about it. it was weird and uncomfortable.

but when i DID make an effort to think about it, really confront it honestly in my mind……….i was no longer ambivalent after a mere lousy MONTH. 4 WEEKS and i went from ambivalent to completely 100% Yes.

so allow them a couple weeks of ambivalence i guess. heck how about you just have regular communication about it. talking, conversations, emails.

oh shit i forgot, women dont like to communicate, only men do hahahahahaha.

well men are verbal communicators and like to speak clearly. women are nonverbal communicators and can only give bullshit mixed message signals and hints and nothing is clear. they could not be clear, direct, or decisive if their lives depended on it! how can you respect that!!!! hahahaha nawalt nawalt i know. some women are better commuincators than others.

why would i want to be with someone who treated me the way she did?

I WOULDNT! I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME GOOD.

YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE GARBAGE.

YOU JUST DONT. EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU DO.

even if one day in the long distant past they treated you pretty good. well they shoudl have brought that person back then.

if they wanted to be nice to you again they would.

if they wanted to not be a bitch to you they would.

if they wanted to not be distant to you, they would.

if they wanted to be close to you again, they would.

its sometimes like a damn intervention. you feel like the loving family trying to intervene on the person they are losing. but its also different. because im not her FAMILY. i cant keep giving her chances and chances and chances and also doing all the work. i want to Go Out with her and that is…..not really a CHOICE, but its more of a choice than being her family.

cuz i was thinking, well, if i truly love her, and i do, i should come back every 4 or 5 months and do any means necessary to keep coming back to her. making excuses for her. well she MIGHT WANT to be with me, shes just too SCARED to contact me, so i have to put myself out there AGAIN on a silver platter for her.

but on the other hand, i dont want to do that too much. i think i have already passed that point of no return. i dont really want to contact her again. if she wants to reconcile, she has to contact ME, and i would still accept that.

although i might communicate with her through another person though. like a mutual friend. which we really dont have many of hahahaha. id say yeah you can tell her i really wanted her to read and respond to those 4 emails i sent; to just talk to me about this. i am heartbroken and i am still very willing to talk to her. i want to talk to her. you tell her that.

i am just done with trying to talk to her directly and getting rejected and blocked and not responded to. well because for 3 months she is gonna be emotional and not want to talk, duh.

3 months? 4 months? 5, 6, 7? well then i need to worry about this 8 or 9 months from now and send her an email saying “hi just wanted to see how you were doing, would luv to get caught up lol 🙂 ” hahahaha.

fook that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

because i am NEVER gonna want to be JUST FRIENDS. that horse is out of the barn and its never going back in.

we all want the best partner we can get. when i first became friends with her, i think i was aware of her being a woman, a young nonugly woman, and thought right away, hmm, could i bang her? could i date her?

and i thought well she’s not ugly, but shes kinda my friend now, so banging her would be weird. (this of course would change).

also she has too much baggage and our lives are too different, families and such. we get along well and kinda think similarly but our backgrounds are so different, we could never date.

and then obviously i decided that she would be just fine to date. although ending with her longterm bf played a role there.

anyway point is, there was a time when i was doubting, is this really the best i can do? surely i can find a better match for me. someone with less baggage hahaha.

but then after a while i was like yes yes yes she is MORE than good enough for me, she is TOO GOOD for me.

once i thought i was out of her league. when it ended i felt SHE was out of MY league!!!!!!!

i knew she was looking at me and thinking “date HIM? I could do a shitload better! hes such a pussy, also short and old! he was ok as a friend in the past, but the idea of dating him is more than just weird, its RIDICULOUS and GROSS!!!!!!”

well i couldnt read her mind of course.

and for the record i never thought dating her would be ridiculous or gross. i at first thought it would be WEIRD, but i wasnt sure why, so i explored that feeling, and concluded it wouldnt be weird at all. i mean i thought it would be weird because we were friends. but at the end of my Thinking Period, i thought, welp, it wouldnt be weird, and now its settled, i want to be MORE than friends.  and that was beginning of the end hahahahahaha.

there was no detail or nuance or grace in the way she ended it, but one thing was clear: the overall thrust of what she was saying to me was “NO. I DONT WANT YOU. GO AWAY.” so i have to….well i dont RESPECT it, but i have to ACCEPT it hahahaha. i wasnt sure her reasons or “rationale” if any, i just knew she was definitely saying NO.

in the worst shittiest way possible hhahahaha.

besides she likes badbois. its amazing she nailed down a badboi for 4 years. this makes me think he just had a badboi exterior. i sort of knew him. back when i was just friends with her, i was friendly with him too. he was a good guy but kinda stubborn, ridiculous, and spergy. selfish. but not an inherently bad guy. but i could see how being In A Rel with him would be not fun. unless he was real excited about it. and he was not excited about being in a rel with her. in fact i think he technically did the dumping. well maybe she pushed him hahahahahaha same way i pushed her to dump me hahahaha no jk. same way she pushed ME to try to dump her, but i wouldn’t, so she dumped me via silent treatment.

no i know for a fact that she wanted to try to make things work with him. she had a WILLINGNESS. at that time i wanted her to work it out with him. get married, i told her.

it was easier for me and her to talk about her and HIS rel, than her and MY rel.

anyway those two actually talked and argued and had ridiuclous conversations/arguments im sure. and then i think he decided he wanted to be done with the rel. so he ended it. but she knew it was ending too. i dont think she was as DESPERATE to hold onto HIM, as i was to hold onto her.

once it was all done, she said something to me like she was sad that she might have been “holding him back” cuz he was moving on with his life and doing important things for Himself, that he was too stubborn to do when he was with her.

heh. i told her in famous email 1 that “i hate to think i bring you down, because you bring me UP!”

another 4.2 miler.

non aggression principle. do no harm. peaceful resolution. nonviolence.

i dont think i was violent or abusive to her at all. i was AGGRESSIVE sure. well, i was passive aggressive. and that sucks. but its a tier well below violent or super aggressive.

whats the solution to this? BE ASSERTIVE. you dont have to be loud to be assertive. you say heres my line and you crossed it. i was not nearly assertive enough. shit i hadnt even thought of the WORD assertive until i was listening to a stef molyneux cultmaster womanhater show today and he was talking to a doormat husband whose wife wanted to divorce him for no good reason. well because he was an unassertive doormat.

heh. this is apparently a divorceable offense. hahahaha.

would you divorce your wife becuase she was an unassertive doormat? fook no, but men and women are different.

i would say, sweetie pie, you need to stand up for yourself. you cant let people walk all over you. im gonna help you be more assertive so you dont take shit from people.

then she would use her new assertiveness training to dump me for a more assertive man hahahahahaha. and would refuse to communicate with me about it because i was too passive aggressive in pushing her to communicate abotu it hahahaha.

thats why i like letters and emails. you dont need to make an appoitnment with them, you wont forget to say something, you dont have to WAIT 3 months to talk to them. However i would say tell them to send you a read receipt, or send them a letter in the mail. might need more than 1 stamp hahahahaha to send the 20 page letter. best thing would be to hand deliver it to them to make sure they get it. like youve been served with divorce papers. and youre just tyring to have First Contact with your Wife to talk about anything. hahahahahaha.

the second you start being passive aggressive, shit has gone on too long. write a damn letter now. not a passive aggressive letter, but an assertive letter. thankfully i am much better at writing assertive emails, than having assertive talks. i mean i would like to improve my assertive talks, but if i am having trouble there, i can always write a good email.

but yeah the way women give away their most precious gift. and its like they FORGET they can get pregnant. it shows a RECKLESS DISREGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE. like stef says. anyone that can be so cavalier about human life, youre playing russian roullette with human life, to have 10 minutes of fun with an exciting badboy, when the consequences FOR YOU are 20 years of sacrifice to take care of a baby. FOR YOU these are the consequences and you STILL dont show discretion or caution!!!!!!

o stefan accept me into your cult and control me hahahahaha.

single mothers are bad news because it means they are attracted to abusive badbois or deadbeat runaway badbois; OR they get bored with men too easily and will willingly dump a “boring” NiceGuy for no good reason, and depriving the poor child of a father. do you want to get involved with a woman like this?

stef hates women because he was abused by his own single mother hahahaha.

well i dont think he hates women. and maybe he is stubborn. but i like listening to him talk about relationships, is that such a crime? if i could find another person who talks abotu relationships, i’ll listen to them. and not some progressive leftist who says all men should be cucks and all women should have open relationships and cuck their men. raise their children in a damn polyanrdrous village. where nobody is sure whos the father, so everybody pitches in all the adults take care of all the children.

because we can see that works very well in the errrrmmmmm “r-selection” community hahahahahahahaha

MEN WONT TAKE CARE OF KIDS THEY DONT KNOW ARE THEIR OWN.

i fully beleive this is right and just and men are entitled to that.

obvious exception would be a fully-discussed mutual decision to adopt a child.

or if a man willingly chooses to date a single mother and be a father figure to her bastards. some men do. i think they really just want to be fathers and will take any substitute they can get. but if they were fully honest with themselves, they would admit this; they’d say they want to be fathers, they feel a paternal instinct, and IDEALLY they would want children of their OWN.

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