EASY WAY OUT

106

LETTER:

i just wish you hadnt taken the easy way out, it really hurt my feelings. i wish you had shown more empathy and realized that dumping me this way was going to really hurt me, whereas dumping me in a more friendly way would spare me a lot of pain. i thought you cared about me more than that. you used to. when someone cares for you and stops caring for you, it hurts a lot. i dont think you were “faking it” earlier either, i think you really did care for me.

i know i was weak and pushy and annoying, and i know that lots of women simply cannot care for a man like that, but i thought you could remember what we had. that you had known me and wouldnt want to hurt me excessively. but this just feels like getting my heart ripped out by someone i thought i knew and trusted. it really hurt to see you change so much. to go from being a warm nice caring person, one of my favorite people, to someone cold and distant and uncaring and even mean to me. that was just too much for me to take. i appreciated your niceness to me, i liked it, and it built me up, made me feel good and happy. when you stopped being nice to me, i was crushed and devastated.

and i really dont think what i did was bad enough to justify this. either me beign pushy, or me getting feelings for you. neither one of those was bad or abusive or horrible enough to justify being cut loose like dead weight, like somebody you never knew.

at the same time, i am the type of guy who always wants to blame myself. what did i do wrong? how did i push you to do this? i was definitely pushy. so i caused this. i ruined my own life. if i had just acted differently, this would have been all different. i am filled with doubt and questions and self blame and guilt, like i just made the biggest mistake of my life, but im not sure exactly what mistake it was.

but deep down i know that its not 100% my fault. but its hard to shake that feeling. and when you end it this way, by dumping me completely with no communication, that increases the feeling like it was 100% my fault, that i alone could have changed this.

but thats really not the way relationships work. each person has rights and responsibilities. each person “controls” 50% of the relationship, has a 50% share in it. i made mistakes but i think you made mistakes to. i am more than willing to admit to my mistakes and to apologize for them. it does not seem you are willing to do the same. it is like you are trying to make me the bad guy, and that hurts me a lot, because i am the type of guy who would believe that. i can very easily believe that I was the bad guy, that it was 100% my fault.

I think in an abusive relationship there can be a bad guy and a good guy. many times the abuser will try to blame the abused for the abuse, and this is never ever right. (“See what you made me do!  I wouldnt have to do this if you would just behave! dont make me beat you! this is your fault! it hurts me when you make me hurt you!” etc).

so part of me thinks i was that bad guy. but another part of me thinks that the problems were more split between us, and the way we communicated with each other. we communicated very well on many issues, but on several important issues, both of us avoided communication.

for example, our feelings towards each other. neither of us were eager to talk about that openly.

that changed when i got feelings for you. then i was much more willing. i wanted to talk about it then. thats why i was always bugging you to hang out. can you understand how that type of conversation is better had in person rather than thru email, text, or phone?

i legit thought we were gonna hang out and i was gonna tell you about these feelings. i fully expected all that to be done by like october or november. but our hangout just kept getting postponed. i felt like you never wanted to hang out. i would ask you to hang out and you would avoid it. this became a pattern and then many months had gone by with no hangout.

tension was definitely starting to build and i should have just said what i needed to say. so that was my mistake. instead i kept pushing you to hang out. i know you told me to back off and i did try to back off. but after a while i couldnt back off any more. i needed to talk about this.

i am the type of person who needs to get my point across with words and not with signals alone. i was trying to give signals, but i needed to make sure you understood exactly what i was feeling. and for that i needed words, i needed talking and verbal communication.

relationships end, its just a fact of life. sometimes both people want it to end. but in situations where just one person wants to end it, and the other person doesn’t, it gets complicated. its a fact of life the person who wants to stay in, is gonna get hurt. there is no way around that. but the person who wants to end it, can make an attempt to spare the persons feelings during this hard time. i really dont think i was such a horrible person. i think i deserved having you attempt to spare my feelings even just a little.

i know you are going through some tough times with family. i hope things get better or you at least stay strong. i wanted to support you through these times but maybe you dont want my support. that is up to you. just realize that when you reject me it will hurt my feelings. i just thought you would care more about not hurting me. that is what empathy and friendship is all about. you might not completely understand the person, but try not to hurt them. do no harm. treat people as you would like to be treated.

you have gotten thrown away like garbage by people you cared for. abandoned, cut off. i know that broke your heart and made you feel horrible. please dont do that to me. you of all people know how horrible it feels. you are a better person than that, a kinder person. and if you do need to abandon somebody harshly, dont do it to a friend you knew for 2 years. its a bit more acceptable to do this when you dont know the person. but you know me and i know you. it feels like a piece of my heart has been ripped out when you removed me from your life like this. how could i go from beng a good friend to being a piece of trash? i annoyed you and was not a great communicator. does that really make me a horrible person?

i was begging you for mercy. its strange. cuz you used to be merciful to me, and i would never have to beg for it! but this is the time i needed it most of all.

im sorry about your family troubles. but i just wish you hadnt cut me off the way you did. that we could not even have one conversation about it, or that you could not write even one email. its not like we had 10 arguments and got nowhere. i dont know, maybe thats what would have happened. but maybe not. its real shitty that something so good had to end in such a bad way. a great 2 year friendship thrown away without even ONE conversation. that hurts me a LOT. couldnt we have one conversation? couldnt you respond to one email? how could you hate me so much just from being annoying? couldnt you see me as a person behind it all? couldnt you just write me an email?

relationships end, thats a fact of life. but theres a good way and a bad way to do it. this was not a good way to do it. you could have spared me a lot of pain; and left with good karma; and have me remember you a lot better. there was a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings here that didn’t have to be that way.

this hurts me so much because we used to be close once. i hadnt been that close to a woman in years. that helped me build feelings for you. and now all that is gone. even if it hadnt help build my feelings, it was still a very meaningful and important friendship to me, and i am very sad that it ended this way. i wish we could have talked abotu the end of the friendship rather than have me trying to talk and you refusing to respond.

yeah i guess theres nothing that NEEDS to be said, and the situation speaks for itself. you dont want to be part of this any more, and you dont need to say anything, just walk away. well that is somewhat true, but i think the polite and kind and decent thing to do is acknowledge the friendship was good while it lasted, and that you dont hate me as a person. i dont believe ive done anything worth hating. temporary annoyance, sure, but not long term hate.

i was a doormat and i apologized too much and didnt stand up for myself. i should have told you how much it bothered me when you distanced yourself from me.

again i know noone likes a weak man, but i wasnt just some random pathetic weakling. we knew each other for years. do women really hate weakness this much? I can understand that women naturally dislike weakness but this just seems like too much. so in your mind i’d already thrown the friendship away, so you no longer had the responsibility to treat me like a friend?

 

////////////End Letter portion

it has been 84 days since the horrendous shitstorm and i feel…..not as bad as i have, thank GOD. even though i did not sleep too bad.

FLASHCARD: why did she do it? how could she do it?

EASY WAY OUT.

three simple words. because it was EASIER than the alternative of telling me. it was EASIER. this is…understandable in the sense that it makes sense that humans take the easy way out, path of least resistance….even though it may be cowardly, avoidant, shitty, and not the right thing to do. they do it anyway because its easier for them. period. or to avoid stress and anxiety. shit. i have avoided and procrastinated a lot for that very reason.

i just thought the strength of our friendship would convince her to not take the easy way out. that she would remember the good times we had in the past.

because she has some tendencies to get stuck in the past. seemingly “hung up” on some people who have died, in very obvious ways. cant seem to get closure there or let them go.

but she can sure as shit let ME go like i never existed, yet overly grieve for dead people every day?

yep. yeppers.

to the point where you cant even write an EMAIL or a TEXT? i GET that talking is hard and not easy. but sending a damn text is easy as shit, you dont have to face the person!

well….have you ever wrote an important email and then agonized over pressing the send button? i have! emails to her! maybe she did write me emails but just couldnt send it.

also when you are overwhelmed by stress you cant even do simple things.

like in the thick of it, i would wake up in the middle of the night, my mind racing about my STUPID JOB, thinking, well where does this come from? what causes this? in terms of the stupid technical shit. who can fix this? what bullshit line do i say here? and then i would just begin asking retarded questions, like:

how do i tie my shoes? i dont know.

who was the first president? i dont know.

what state do i live in? i dont know.

what year is it? i dont know.

what do you do if you went to bed on wednesday and when you woke up it was monday? can that happen?

what color is the sky?

what if the color blue was really the color orange?

in addition to the ridiculous work-related questions AND the ridiculous woman-related questions. questions and anxieties keeping me up at 3 4 am when i had to get up and do a ridiculous 8 hour shift of being bombarded, overwhelmed, and confused; AND get weird standoffish cold behavior from My Favorite Special Person; actively breaking my heart on the job throughout the day.

nope! couldnt do it any more!

it reached a head when she blatantly stopped talking to me at all. then she unfriended me sometime shortly after. then i hit the fan and sent her emails and confessed my luv for her. then she blocked me.

she had gone from being a nice favorite person to a cold person i could not stand seeing or being around.

well that transformation did not happen overnight. she was being cold for months, but refusing to talk to me kicked it up a notch, to a level i could no longer tolerate, crossed muh boundary in a very aggressive way hahahaha.

but yeah. she has been abandoned by living people too.  and she is pretty good at abandoning living people as well. yet she fixates on the dead you can never bring back.

i guess she is crazy and fooked up! well i figured ALL WOMEN are CRAZY in SOME WAY, its just can you handle it, can you tolerate it. i thought well, i’m just OVERJOYED shes not a huge slut. many women, their crazyness causes them to become huge sluts and ice cold demons.

well she was not a huge slut! and she was very nice to me! woohoo!

but then she became cold as ice and that sucked. still not a slut though.

but at this point she might as well be a huge slut because she has dumped me, removed herself from my life entirely, it is over, and i dont know her any more. this makes me sad as fook and makes her happy. but she can be a huge dirty whore and it doesnt matter any more.

i was not adding value to her life, she was adding shittons of value to my life.

she was worth a lot more to me than i was to her. damn.

of course this is killer to your confidence!

thats why it helps if they can dump you in a nice way. cuz otherwise you do feel rejected Entirely As A Human Being. it is hard for anyone, even harder for neet loser r9k virgin betas like us with low confidence for years!!!!!!

stefan molyneux says stop being a victim! “she seemed like such a nice gurl until one day she turned around and did bal bla bla”. well she did seem like such a nice gurl! she didnt really give huge warning signs!  i was on the lookout! i didnt let her into the Circle of Trust until i had known her for 2 years! and i didnt fall in luv with her till then too!

and i do feel like kind of a victim! i feel blindsided! bamboozled! and we determined that there was nothing i could do that would stop this. i mean i cant CONTROL and dominate people! stefan is also big on win win relationships, that many of us are sadly accustomed to win lose relationships, where its essentially dominance and submission, win and lose, constant anxiety and stress. but we can make them win win by…….. communicating i guess hahahaha. i forget the key how to have win win rels. communication prob is a good thing tho.

anyway people who play the victim take no responsibility for their actions, so they make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

well i take responsibility for my mistake, namely, not communicating sooner and better. i think i have gotten better at the communication in my rels with wimmin. havent gotten many chances though.

the mistake ive been repeating is, i get feelings for women who DONT HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME. one sided bullshit EVERY TIME.

but on the other hand, i dont think i can force myself not to like somebody.

i mean theyre not abusive monsters, they might even be nice decent people…..they just dont return my feelings.

but you like who you like. it would be a problem if i liked abusive monster women!

i guess what ive learned is, dont keep the feelings bottled up. even if you work with the person.

woman2012 was interesting because i was much less good of “Friends” with her than w15. i hung out with w12 once every like 4 months. but i was never bitter at her because of “distance.” we were just never really close thats all.

but with w15 i was a LOT closer to her! we hung out a decent amount before i even liked her! we were very friendly with each other! she was sharing secrets! i should have shared more secrets? or should i have? point is, i was MUCH closer and MUCH better friends with her than w12!

so i wonder why didnt i go fookin CRAZY over w12? i mean i really liked her.

i guess i liked w15 EVEN MORE. and i think that was from that closeness.

then she started pulling away. i told her in muh xmas card to her “we have been friends for a while, and i appreciate you more with each year. you are very special to me and i hope we can get even closer in the new year.” which is definitely a kind of signal. then she started backing off. and wanted me to back off.

completely different situation with w12. so i guess i am not repeating the same situation. actually the situations have been damn different. other than me liking women who dont like me.  but they start off friendly to me!

what do you do if you are in luv with a gurl who has NEVER ever been your friend or never ever hangs out with you?

big trouble hhehehe.

it wasnt just that w15 didnt want to hang out with me ever. it’s that in the PAST, she DID hang out with me semi regularly……THEN SHE STOPPED.

we connected once over a decent period of time. as opposed to a gurl youre infatuated with but NEVER EVER connect with, not even once. nope. was not the case here!

i guess if you have feelings for a gurl and want to let her know……just let her damn know. at least for me thats what i learned about my self. some people are satisfied with signals. like yeah, she OBVIOUSLY doesnt like me, otherwise she would be interested in hanging out with me, and wouldnt be in luv with other guys.

yeah i mean shit. its REALLY pathetic to be all in luv with a gurl YOU DONT EVEN EVER HANG OUT WITH. i guess woman2003 was like that. that sucked too. i mean we hung out in a group but i was never cool enough to hang out one on one with her. that sucks!

but with woman2015 i hung out with her one on one more than any other woman! it was like we were damn official friends! because we WERE for a while! thats why this one hurt the most. cuz i lost the most. i came the CLOSEST.

well i keep getting CLOSE i guess thats a good thing. hahahaha.

in the sense that i bring the feelz to the woman and say here it is, take it or leave it, and they leave it hahahaha. as opposed to being a True Orbiter like i was with woman2003.

so yeah i was Actually Close to woman15. hadnt been that close to a woman in years. so of COURSE it hurt when that was taken away suddenly in the meanest way possible!

decent women who grow up in decent families receive guidance from their parents in the nicest way to Reject A Boy. Decadent Sluts just throw people away like garbage.

but i shouldnt take advice from stefan molyneux because hes NOTORIOUS for running a CULT!!!!!!! separate people form their friends and family and take their money! narcissist and in luv with the sound of his own voice! guiding impressionable youth down the wrong path! never having good relationships with anyone ever yet preaching abotu how to have good rels! when he clearly hates women too! and his rel with his wife is not healthy either! he’s abandoned his whole family! he does not have REAL FRIENDS from school or work or life! he only has inner circle donators to his cult and as soon as they disagree with him, he Defoos from them! shuns them! he’s a shunner and an abandoner! he probably Dominates his wife and poor baby daughter! his daughter is gonna be SO fooked up!!!!!

a TERRIBLE role model in other words! dont listen to this guy for LIFE ADVICE!!!!!

i dunno the stuff i hear form him isnt too bad. if he were ever to say something horrible i would just ignore it. but do i agree with him because i am a narcissistic sociopath maniac too????

got muh 8.6 miles in for the day hahaaha. this is how you lose half a pound a week hahahaha.

yeah so i let myself get walked on. i should have stood up for myself. the second shit started bothering i should have said “THIS IS NOT OK. THIS ENDS NOW. WE NEED TO TALK NOW.”

and said i know you are having issues but i cant tolerate being put out in the cold like this. also, i have feelings for you. tell me any thing you wanted to tell me. and if you need to reject my feelings, try to be nice about it.

so yeah this all adds up to her losing ALL respect for me, for me being a Weak Beta. Doormat. then they lose all respect for you and throw you away like garbage. even if you had been friends for 2 years. this is how much women HATE weakness and weak men. heh. its just not worth it pretending to be STRONG all the time hahahaha.

also i think she is attracted to badbois who are gonna dump her. well she was with this guy for 4 years but he was kinda a badboi, much moreso than me!!!! and the next guy was even moreso. i mean he cheated on her!

but she did dump him for cheating on her, rather than continue to desperately run after the badboi. but perhaps she continued to be in luv with him. well why didnt she get back together with him? shit maybe she DID. but i dont think she did.

so she was Emotionally Mature to want to not get back together with a guy who cheated on her. thats good eh. well it still doesnt help me any hahahaha.

i still should have Stood Up for myself though. that was a lesson i should learn.

i didnt Have The Responsibility to save 100% of the Relationship, but i DID have the Responsibility to MYSELF to say I Do Not Think This Is OK. and i was too scared to do that.

that might have not made her Luv Me, but it WOULD have prevented things from being THIS shitty. she would have talked things, maybe, or at least just cut me off right then and there, and i would have had a bit more self respect.

 

Advertisements