it has been 83 days since i was horribly dumped and i guess i feel better than i did at the beginning, i mean dat feel when you wake up and it takes a few moments to realize your life is ruined is horrifying! now you know it right away and it isnt nearly as scary.
a SHIT TEST? is that all this was was a goddam crummy lousy bullshit shit test? because women can give shit tests without knowing it?
going back to that ridic stefan vidya on polyamory, promiscuity, he basically seems to be optimistic that the couple can figure this out with some serious you guessed it communication.
i mean i would guess she dumps him very soon. be nice to see a Follow Up in 6 months.
anyway he said, well if she values EMPATHY and COMPASSION, the fact that he is unhappy and miserable about her fooking other guys, should make her say, hey the guy i luv is very unhappy about this, i dont like making him unhappy, im gonna take his feelings into consideration, and not do this, because his feelings are important to me. its more important that he’s happy than i leave the door open for random dick.
well it was apparently not important to The Woman that I was made happy by talking or hanging out with her! she didnt care that i was miserable!
also the idea that it was a “subconscious shit test” again takes away any responsibility from her, and again puts the blame 100% on me. oh if i had just passed the shit test, its all my fault. i cannot have that way of thinking!
i dont think we SHOULD treat women like Bratty Children. we CAN treat women like immature adults. even if the man is supposed to Lead and be Masculine, doesn’t mean he totally Dominates or Enslaves his woman. she still has free will.
well, ideally. but obviously the Average woman IS an immature child where if you dont want them to destroy your life, you MUST dominate them!!!!
dominate them or else they’ll destroy you. sounds great!
so yeah i dont want to get hung up on this shit test idea. besides i didnt think you got shit tests until after you banged the gurl. well if its a decent woman who doesnt bang every guy she knows. and she was a decent women wawawawawawaawawa. so therefore she is entitled to give me shit tests before i bang, or even date her?
no need to overcomplicate this, over think it, go to Occam’s razor, she simply did not want to Date me, that much is obvious.
YOU MUST HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE WHO TAKES SHIT. Stop being shitty and make me a sammich hahahaha.
you either hang out with me and show me you still care about me, or we’re done. officially.
then i would have dumped her before she could dump me hahahaha.
but i was too in luv, too invested, to be able to do that.
thats why you have these discussions early, before you fall too deep in luv.
so after a few months, i was fully in the throes, and very emotionally compromised,and put her on a huge pedestal, which is what luv is, so dont hate the pedestal, hate the pvssy hahahaha. no luv grows like a fungus, fairly quickly, and if you avoid talking about it, it turns bad.
hahaha funny. looks like i avoided talking about something important too. then it became too important for me to avoid. but she wanted to keep avoiding it.
so i should have put the foot down and said we’re not gonna avoid this any more. THIS ENDS NOW. I have feelings for you, thats why things have been so weird. i know it’s a bad time for you. sorry but thats how feelings work. they happen at weird times. take it or leave it.
and then she would leave it and i would have been spared some time and pain.
ok fine i applied for this goddamn job pool thing which closed today at 11:59 hahahaha. really half assed it. only did jobs going back 10 years, did not put name of supervisor or anything that wasnt asterisked. but i lied and said i applied for it earlier, and really it is an ok idea to apply, so i applied for it.
LETTER: ok. this is obviously an unsent letter. if you were to send it, you would take all the harsh mean stuff and say everything in a nice way. and thats exactly what i did with the letters. you start off being honest, totally honest, then go back and smooth it over in a way that you could actually say to a person. remove the anger and the accusations. thats what i did!!!! owned my feelings, tried to use I statements and minimze You statements.
i will not do that here, this will be more raw.
OK. so i was very mad and upset at how this ended up. i thought you cared for me. i realize you dont like like me, but damn please dont throw me away like a piece of garbage. so i was weak and pushy and annoying. i still dont think that cancels out everything we had before. so you didnt share my feelings. you really didnt have to dump me in the most hurtful way possible. that really hurt me. it didnt have to hurt so much. i wish you had just talked to me and told me. i wish you had responded to any of my 4 emails. the first one would have been a good opportunity. do you understand how this was painful to me? have you ever had strong feelings for someone but they refused to talk to you? what happened when you tried to bury these feelings deep and pretend they werent there? have you ever gotten feeligns for someone who was a friend for 2 years? probably not. but it is no fun when you cant talk to the person, and they are pulling away from you. you begin to blame yourself for absolutely everything, it eats away at you, well at least thats how i felt. my confidence and strength was destroyed. so im sorry i wasnt very strong or courageous about it all. as all this went on for month and motnhs with no resolution or no communication, it ate away at me.
so thats why i was annoying. but i dont think me being annoying was being ABUSIVE. i was just upset and worried and anxious and wanted to talk, but i was not getting the chance to talk. however i just couldnt bury or extinguish my desire to talk, because my desire to talk was because of the feelings i had for you, and i couldnt extinguish those.
it hurts to get the silent treatment from someone you care about, whether you have special feelings or just friendly feelings. i felt like i was getting shut out of your life and i didnt want that. i wanted to be a part of your life and you to be a part of mine. it hurt so much to get that rejected. i hope you can understand this. thats why i was so pushy to communicate, and thats why i was so utterly devasted when you stopped talking to me.
yeah i should have been stronger and just sucked it up and keep calm and carry on. maybe if this had all happened a few months earlier i could have. but by that time it had been eating away at me for too long, and i was ery emotionally and mentally compromised by the stress, of having something important to talk to you about, and not being able to do it.
yeah i should have just said something months earlier. that is one of my biggest regrets. as well as not asking you directly about your new BF last year, or asking you about your feelings towards me, or talking about my feelings towards you, or telling you the instant i started changing in october, like hmmm i think things are changing right now. i was too cowardly to talk about those feelings. i learned that the price of NOT talking about them, is too great to avoid. that is, its best to talk about them sooner than later. it will be awkward but the short term awkwardness is worth it, to get past any long term conflicts, and get everything out in the open as soon as possible, so everyone is open and honest at all times.
i could feel you becoming gradually more distant and this hurt me too, to have someone who was once my friend, not want to be my friend any more, not want to talk to me any more, not care about me any more. yeah our friendship would have to change or end because of my feelings, but that doesnt mean you can totally disrespect the other person and treat them like garbage. i know you didnt intentionally do this, but i felt like i was being treated like garbage, like just an annoyance that should disappear forever. this is a terrible feeling!!! it is very shattering to my self confidence to get that from someone who once was so nice to me. to be held in high regard, then held in low regard, by someone that i still cared about greatly. this was heartbreaking to me.
was this all because of a “shit test”? were you just testing me? why the fook couldnt we just talk like two adults? because i was not an adult? i was the bad guy? i just wanted to talk to you and make the best of a very bad situation!!!!! you made the situation 100000 times worse! i wanted to put water on the fire. you threw gasoline on it!!!!
im not accusing you. thats just what it looks and feels like to me. and i am heartbroken and devastated. i worry about my ability to connect with women in the future. are all women like this?
i want to forgive you because that means i will have let go. i am still angry though. i forgive you partially right now, because you probably didnt know what you were doing, much like me. lots of not clear thinking. you didnt MEAN To hurt me this much. but the situation still hurt me and i believe you could have done more to treat me more kindly and i would hurt LESS. so i am still a little angry and i am not through forgiving you. forgiveness is a process which takes time. it will be a while before i can let go of ALL the anger. but i hope to get there someday.
best wishes to you. but i still want you back and cant let you go entirely right now. this shocking heartbreak will take a long time to get over. at least 6 months, if not a whole year. my feelings for you were real. they were not simple lust or infatuation. they were built on knowing you and being your friend and trusting you for 2 years. that is a pretty big deal. and ending something that significant and substantial should be done in more respectful of a manner than just throwing the person away like garbage.
i dont think i was so shitty that you couldnt even write me an email or facebook message. just say sorry but i cant do this anymore, have a good life, things were good once but i am done. just say that for gods sake. i didnt deserve one simple but powerful sentence because i was weird and pushy?
relationship experts agree that dumping somebody with no communication is the worst, most painful way to end a relationship. it is only justified if the person has been abusing you. i may have been annoying you, but i was not ABUSING you. you ignoring and avoiding me and giving me the silent treatment and stonewalling, was closer to Emotional Abuse, than was me, pushing you to talk. i was only pushing you out of a positive kind caring feeling. that feeling is by definition totally absent when you avoid and freeze somebody out. you cant freeze somebody out out of love. or if you are, at least TELL them. tell them what you are doing. this has been the most frustrating and painful experience ive faced in years. in a way this feels worse than a loved one dying. becuase i know that they loved me and didnt choose to die. here i feel like you are rubbing salt in the wound, that you REALLY dont care about me at ALL any more and you’re gonna prove it to me.
and i dont even think thats true! i think you still care about me a LITTLE, more than what this action is saying.
also i know you are a better person than to do something this cruel, which makes it all the more shocking and frustrating and painful.
but yeah i will forgive you and stop being angry at you in 6 to 12 months. i just wished you hadnt been so harsh.
how could you hate me that much? this seems like a vengeance thing that you do only to people who have really wronged you, abused you, betrayed you. i dont think i did any of those things, at least not to this extent! im sorry i didnt respect your boundaries but i dont think you respected my boundaries either.
i just cant beleive you hated me that much or had lost that much respect or caring for me. did our time together mean anything to you? how long did you hate me? when did you start “packing your bags?” for me it started to get too much around february. i should have just told you everything by then rather than dragging it out till july.
but yeah i feel terribly rejected and heartbroken.
i wasnt perfect but i dont think i was THAT BAD to be treated like this. no one deserves to be treated like this. i know you are a kind person. you used to be kind to me. how could you be so unkind to me? it already hurts to end an important relationship.
its natural and normal for relationships to end when one person gets feelings but it can be done in a respectful and compassionate and kind way that shows you care about the well-being of the person, and dont think they’re garbage just for getting feelings for you. nobody is garbage for getting feelings.
this was an important relationship for me. i know at one time it was for you too. i cant believe you wouldnt try to end it in more of a friendly manner.
i know you didnt intend to hurt me so much and part of the hurt you cannot control, because you cannot control what kind of feelings you have about me, meaning i would be disappointed if you couldnt have feelings for me, but that is no ones fault. it is in your power though, to appraoch this situation in a more friendly manner so that there are not hard feelings. i dont want to end this in this way, and you still have the power to end this in a less painful way. just tell me that you dont hate me, that our friendship was important.
this is such a disappointing end to to such a beautiful friendship. we started to have some trouble in the last few months but that doesn’t mean it has to end this way. lets share our feelings and thoughts with each other and give each other respect.
so i screwed up. so i kept saying lets hang out instead of let’s TALK. i cant really say it was obvious that i wanted to talk about something. I just don’t know how obvious it was. i should have said more directly that i wanted to talk about something important to me. in the meantime i tried to send different sorts of signals to you, to indicate that i had new feelings. thats why i was texting you more than i had before and acting different in general.
i know women dont respect weak and unconfident men. this is the absolute worst thing you can be to a woman, they will respect you less than someone who hurts them directly, like a cheater or a deadbeat. but honestly. im not just some random unconfident guy. you know i can be more confident. i am just going through a phase right now. its part of being human. we all have our ups and downs. i will get through this, it just takes time, and i would appreciate your support, rather than the contemptuous condemnation i feel i am getting.
i know you have been abandoned by people in your life. you know how bad it hurts then. please dont do that to me. dont make me remember YOU as an abandoner, because i know you’re a better person than that.
we can totally end our relationship and never have to talk to each other again. but i feel like you are treating me like i am a horrible person. i am really not a horrible person, not for liking you, and not for being awkward about telling you.
it is devastating to feel abandoned by someone you cared greatly for. who you wanted to be in your future. well obviously you didnt want to be in my future but when one person rejects another person its inherently painful. one does not need to add any more pain to it, unless they absoultely hate the other person and want them to suffer. i cant believe you’d want to make me suffer, when we had been good friends for 2 years.
this is killing me. i will never give up on love and i will always risk heartbreak to get it. but this didnt have to end this badly. i came to you with a spirit of cooperation and oppenness. i feel you were avoiding me, with a spirit of closed-ness. there was no way an open person can cooperate or communicate with a closed person.
its okay to have time and space and distance and to end our relationship, but please communicate about things like this, or you risk hurting someone deeply. communication is VERY VERY VERY important.
if i were doing something to make you this mad and hateful at me, i wish you would have told me or even argued or screamed or fought with me. that would tell me that you cared enough about me and the relationship to confront me about it and do something about it. i would have done my best to stop hurting you.
but you also cant expect me just to stay away from you forever. that is not reasonable. me wanting to talk to you, and even hang out with you once in a while, is reasonable. i did try to give you some time and space. but i couldnt do that forever. you were my friend and i wanted to see you and spend time with you. i dont think that is unreasonable for friends to expect of each other. if you wanted more time and space, you have to communicate about it. i could have given you more time and space if you told me more or communicated with me more or met with me just to talk about what was bothering you.
so women are supposed to hate weak men even more than they hate an abuser or an abandoner. supposedly women hate a weak “nice guy” worse than they hate a violent, dominating, cheating, monster. because at least that guy is strong and masculine. i can understand this to an extent but only to an extent. does it always have to be that way? do all women have to be like that? i was a weak nice guy, did you have to hate me THAT much? I never abused you. i never really HURT you other than being weak and annoying, which is a much lesser kind of “hurt” than cheating, violence, abuse, betrayal.
did you have to hate me that much?
maybe you didnt hate me. i think you were just overwhemled and wanted to avoid dealing with a tough situation, pretend none of this existed.
thats valid but god damn did it hurt me. the problem with that is that you can pretend none of this exists, but thats really hurtful to me to be on the receiving end of that. to be the one pretended like they don’t exist. when the one doing that pretending is someone he once thought of as a good friend. and they thought of him as a good friend too.
you told me i was a good friend. i wish you told me that you wanted to stop being friends.
i wish i could have just presented my feelings to you, and have you say “sorry but no thanks i cant do that, but i dont hate you for it.”
i wouldnt have hated you if you got feelings for me. in fact long ago i thought you might have. im sorry i was too scared to mention anything. i shoudl have asked you straight up. but i didnt want to interfere or break up your relationship. it was only after your rel ended that i started to think about you differently. if you started really acting you like you liked me i might have said something. but i wouldnt avoid you. i would want to resolve the issue by talking about it.
if you even could have responsed to email1 or any of the emails, that would have been a lot better. that would have felt like we were having a discussion about our relationship.
even if my feelings were one sided, the communication surround the end of the relationship did not have to be one sided.
i know you know abotu the importance of karma. its just really bad karma. i know youre not a bad person, but this is a really shitty thing to do. getting used to doing things like this is how a good person becomes less good. you dont need to hurt your karma by doing this. you’re better than this. youre a good person. dont do something really shitty to ME, who was once your friend, who still cares about you. i dont want to remember you with bitterness.
and i will forgive you one day, it will just take a little longer. but it really sucks that it had to end this way. this could have been a lot less painful. there could have been better karma. this is terrible for my confidence. i have experienced a lot of failure and rejection in my life and it doesnt get any easier. it has led to depression and anxiety which is partially why i have not developed very much in my life for my age. i am tired of failing, scared of failing again, tired of trying even, when everything ends up in failure. its been like that with school, work, and relationships especially. im tired of trying, and ive lost my ambition. i will never give up on having a good relationship though, because thats more important to me than school or career. i can live with a mediocre job. but i would not want to have a mediocre relationship. i would rather be alone. but i am tired of being alone. i would rather have a good relationship with a good person than be alone all my life. you are a good person and i thought you were the one for me. obviously i am not the person for you at ALL.
you can reject my feelings but dont reject me as a person in such a harsh, mean way.
///////////end letter for now hahahaha
heh 83 days later and i briefly went back into muh facebook and she is STILL blocking me. good lord.
well maybe she can’t unblock me when i have my account deactivated, which i do 99.999999999% of the time!
i think this is the case.
well according to this at least. yes. you do have to have an active facebook, for them to unblock you. hehehehe maybe she wanted to unblock me, but couldnt beccause i wasnt even there!!!!!
anyway facebook clearly sucks so i am glad i only reactivated it for 30 minutes or so. then deactivated it. i did NOT look at the damn messages i we exchanged back in the day.
i dont even know why. well thats a lie. i wanted to see if she was still blocking me.
but it looks like she cant UNBLOCK me if i am not ACTIVE. so yeah she always will be blocking me as long as i am not active!!!
well she has my email and phone number if she really is desperate to get hold of me!!!!!!!
of course she doesnt WANT to get ahold of me…..or else she WOULD have.
but i cant say she’s “still holding a grudge because she hasnt unblocked me” because i dont think she COULD unblock me even if she wanted!
maybe she wanted to unblock me but couldnt. i looked at some co workers but i did not look at any of her family members or people where she would be SUPER likely to post. but rather people where she might post. i know im blocked because i cannot find her in my search box. no i did not want to use the direct url of her FB page. its horrible that i remember what it is!!!!!!
well i also wanted to see if anybody had sent me any messages. i dont know if they even CAN if you are deact. i didnt see any messages. im still not sure if they can.
hehehe because i thought she might have unblocked me and sent me a Reconciliation message, was my hope hahahaha. so obviously i am not nearly over this.
hehehe it looks like people are working a lot of overtime at muh job. 30 hours a week of overtime alone hahaha. ie 70 hours a week. this is what they do. i guess its better to pay many people 30 hours of overtime than to hire them full time? but couldnt they just put them on salary and make them work overtime for free?
heh. i just dont understand it. wouldnt it be cheaper to do that? or to hire more people so they wouldnt have to give overtime?
i wonder how much overtime she is working.
whenever there was an opportunity for overtime, i would say NO THANK YOU. overtime was time and a half, ie a pretty good rate, yet i was never willing to work EVEN ONE HOUR of overtime, was how much i hated it hahahaha. i am not answering phones and dealing with ridiculous shit for even ONE HOUR of 30 dollars an hour pay hahahaha. no it wasnt THAT much hahahahaha. but it was still high.
the only time i ever worked overtime was when it was absolutely mandatory and they gave you no choice.
that is a great measure of how much do you hate a job. do you AVOID taking overtime at every opportunity?
that was really the only way i was a “bad” employee, is that i was never THIRSTY for overtime. plenty of people are, because they have Huge Debts and Kids and are one paycheck away from the Streets.
THERE, BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GO I.
other than that i was a pretty good Employee. like actually smart. smarter than her hahahaha.
hahahaha wawawawawawaw i want Cuddles. I really wanted Cuddles with the woman. i have not have Cuddles in….since….shit 2005 sometime? about maybe may or june 2005 i cuddled with woman3 and maybe woman2, and that was it son. no cuddles for 10 years!
hahahaha no no Sex either. i thouht you had to cuddle to have secs.
no you really dont. bitches these days. maybe 10 years ago the raw hedonism of sex went along naturally with the tender warmth of cuddling. but not in 2015! they have been cleaved in twain!
very strange that women can take the emotion out of it. perhaps the most naturally emotional thing, and the most emotional people, can suck all the emotion out of this thing?
i dont believe it.
that’s why these open rels and promiscuity and casual sex are such clusterfooks!!!! people say they arent, but they really ARE, and they KNOW it, and deep down, they dont WANT it.
but people can FORGET their human natures, such that when they feel rumbles of it, they are confused, or they want to supress these unnatural, violent, Oppressive urges.
anyway i like cuddles! even more than sechs! you cant get diseases or have to have abortionz from cuddles! god damn!
are All Women Emotionally ABUSIVE? what she did was well not evil per se, but SHITTY. it wasnt as bad as cheating, but it was still bad. shitty. and arguably Silent Treatment over the long-term is Manipulative and Emotionally/Psychologically Abusive.
well she wasnt giving me silent treatment over long term, but she was avoiding me over long term. then when the silent treatment kicked in, i went apeshit. that was it. i was done hahahaha. she was done too. well i didnt want to be done with her, but i was done with that situation.
my job made me anxious and she made me anxious. they both made me quite anxious. each made the other worse. i might have been able to handle HER if the job were less anxious. but yeah both shitty things at the same time blasting me in the face. no good. couldnt handle it any more.
yeah i kinda like writing that letter. it has led to more writing hahahaha. i still have things that i want to say TO HER, but i CANT, so writing it To Her is the next best thing.