had a dream that briefly had the woman. really cant remember the details. took a small mininap soon afterwards that wiped the details out.

so i could have treated her better, but she could have treated me a LOT better. plus were were coming at each other with a different “tone.” that is, i was bothering her because i was too begging and supplicating, please hang out with me; and she was really bothering me because she was shutting me out. well she would say i was pushing her away. and i probably was.

anyway when somebody wants you out of their life, and you are desperate to have them in your life……well your damn heart gets broke hahahaha.

and my luv/committment is a valuable thing. i dont commit to just any broad hahahaha.

yeah i committed too early becuase i hadnt gotten any committment from her but oh well it happened jeez.

well in the dream she was not being particularly warm to me, i would have remembered that. she was being kinda cold or lukewarm to me but was still allowing me to talk to her, oh benevolent queen hahahahaha, lets the peasant talk to her.

anyway yeah i should go for muh walk.

yeah i dont want to contact her because i dont want to play it cool like i dont still want her. i will always want her and if she doesnt want to give that a try……I DONT WANT TO SEE HER. i dont want to see her dating and fooking and having interest in other guys. then best for her not to be in muh life.

as i was going for the 5 miler today, i thought again, should i contact her and be like ya know, you really hurt me, and i think you should know that, and i would really like an apology, because i dont think youre this bad of a person, things were just a perfect storm for you right now so you just shut down and didnt act as virtuous as you normally would. thats understandable and forgiveable but you really hurt me nonetheless and i know you are not that bad of a person, but im also not sure you know really how bad i was hurt. please show me one last act of kindness hahahahaha.

really it wouldnt change things, other than my Final Memory of her would be a bit more positive, but i would never GET with her. and thats really what i want!

it would be like when i Reestablished Connection with Woman2 in Fall 2004. she began hanging out and making out with me again, said she was sorry, and the making out made me think, NOT UNREASONABLY, that she MIGHT be interested in Dating Me.  but she wasnt! I was still ready and willing to commit to her but she had no such ready and willingness. at all. whatsoever.

so was that worth it? no, not really.

the best is when you are making out or even having secs with a gurl, and she has no interest in dating you even nonmonogamously. she is 90% out the door even as you are Plowing her. that never made sense to me. well they are always looking to clear out the betamost. especially if those betas are Angling towards Monogamous COmmitment, like i always was, cuz that was always my endgame, still is.

and i dont think thats inherently a bad thing, although it always turned out HORRIBLY. i just never found the right woman hahahahaha.

ok got a second 5 miler in nice. hahahaha.

anyway eerything she was saying and doing was indiciating NO i dont want you, im done with you, get away from me.

while everything i was saying and doing was YES, please give me a chance, please show me mercy, please be with me.

my point is, if she wanted me AT ALL, i was making it easy for her to say yes.

so yeah there is NO chance, i should not contact her.

but it sucks, women ALWAYS lost interest in me, in some cases because they are stupid sluts who like sampling a buffet of cock, but she was DIFFERENT, she actually made me feel special and that she really liked me as a person, which women dont often do!

well i think if i hadnt gotten feelings for her, we would have still been friends, she would have still be interested in me, it wasnt really her losing interest per se, as much as her not wanting me to have feelings. not really her getting BORED in me.

or maybe she DID get bored of me!

well she told me i was interesting and smart hahahahaha even while we were having problems.

shit jsut as i was bottling things up and abotu to explode, so was she. the difference is when SHE exploded, she didnt say a damn word to me! then i exploded and told her (email) everything.

so yeah i have had my heart broken by women before but never like this! and this is probably the worse. because i actually had SOMETHING real with her, it was one of the best actual rels i have ever had with a woman. it was real, built on a real foundation. i cant believe it doesnt matter to her, to have this ripped out of her life. maybe it does. so i should contact her right? she would say thank you thank you i wanted to talk to you so bad but i was scared!!!!!

well she woudl contact me if she really wanted to have some sort of rel again. since she’s not, then clearly she doesnt.

so basically women always want you to read their mind, because they will never communicate what they are feeling, which is usually Losing Feelings in you, because you’re too Clingy, because bitches dont realize that Love entails a BIT of clinginess, you want to be with the person a lot, and the person is more special to you than random people; and then when shit gets tuff, they never want to fix it, they just want to dump you and find some fresh, exciting Men to bang. god damn savages!!!!

never communicate, expect you to read their stupid mind, AND they never want to work on shit, rather just give up and bail and jump on the nearest dick. you’re an idiot if you have any respect for this!!!!!

of course its BLUE PILL to think “baby we can WORK IT OUT, lets TALK ABOUT IT”

no, you’re supposed to hit them with “dread game” where you lose interest in them and start gaming other bitches, to prove that you’re not putting her on a pedestal. that you dont need her more than she needs you!

bsaically the idea that

” If a girl is losing attraction for you, it’s YOUR FAULT for not passing shit tests.”

because this is all subconscious for women. but for men its gotta be conscious.

either way i wont make these mistakes again hahahaha of course i am getting too damn old to pull a 7 any more hahahahahahaha. was she a 7 or a 6? well she was in her 20s and not ugly so i think she was a solid 7 hahahaha. maybe more of a 6.6. still. i should only be able to pull 5’s at best. well i dont want 5’s, i want 6.6’s hahahahaha.



had another dream with her. foook that is like 3 in the past week. well in this one i was at the job, saw a bunch of familiar faces there. the people there were overall pretty good. i was feeling more comfortable with the people. i had come a long way. anyway in the dream it was like i had already quit and i was just sitting there hanging out while eeryone around me was goign crazy, which is the norm, trying to figure out the weirdest fooking shit, i was helping them, which is hard to do when you have you own stupid proejcts you need help with and no one can really give you as much help as you need.

anyway she was a few rows away as she was in real life and she was not talking to me. i would turn around and see her and i felt bad because she was not talking to me. i guess that was very similar to what happened in real life. and that was about it for the dream. we didnt have a big argument or i didnt confront her.

shit. i should have confronted her and said whats the deal here, youre killing me, i cant work like this.

then she would say, well you have no choice, you have to work like this, i am done, we are done, this rel is OVER.

and i would have said please please im begging you (this is very beta, never supposed to beg a woman)

and she would say nope yu already had your chance and you blew it.

but yeah i hate the “gamer/red pill” idea that if a woman loses interest, ITS ALL YOUR FAULT for not being EXCITING or CHALLENGING enough.

anyway i have never LOST INTEREST in a woman. not QUICKLY that is. usually its a very painful and long process, that extends long after they have lost interest in me and dumped me.

in other words, its always women losing interest. women lose interest in men SO QUICKLY and then quickly get interested in other men.

so maybe this is normal given our Biological Natural Differences?

i think yes. so in other words women are SUPPOSED to lose interest quickly? and not be loyal ever? maybe.

well because they are supposed to be choosy and always Branch Swinging to the Best Possible Man. so why have Secs and Date men before youve determined that?

because secs is fun and why deprive yourself of FUN? there arent any long term consequences to a woman having secs hahahahaha.

then after a few weeks you get bored. you see that the guy is BORING and not EXCITING or CHALLENGING enough. so naturally you want to find a Better Man. swing to a better branch. this is what women are. get used to it so you are not BLINDSIDED.

but the friendship we had for 2 years was smooth and ez and not so damn problematic. she showed a decent amount of loyalty then. but its a whole new ballpark once you get feelings. then the women get RUTHLESS.

google horrible tech support stories



Have your reps ever said this? “There is nothing I can do for you.”  I asked for a supervisor and they told me that the supervisor will tell me the same thing! – See more at: http://katenasser.com/worst-customer-service-stories-train-best-csrs/#sthash.ojCDfJZG.dpuf

hehehe but sometimes its true. theres nothign you can do, adn the sup doesnt want to speak to them cuz theres nothing they can do.  and you have no explanation because you dont really understand. you want to help them cuz youre a beta people pleaser who cant keep women from Losing Interest hahahahaha.


cracked is communist beta leftists but this is an accurate article and comments.

i was “the white knight” because i tried to actually help people when Level 2 would essentially advise us to do very customer unfriendly things like “we dont support that” and then we would have to say “we dont support that” and then they would ask well what can i do “uhhhh i dont know, call somebody else” “who” “i dont know” well can you find out

ok lemme ask level 2

they say we dont know, thats not our job



and it was your job to be a BULLSHIT ARTIST and figure out what kind of bullshit you could tell them as to why you couldnt or wouldnt help them.

yes many callers are idiots that dont know the difference between a computer and a monitor. but i was always on the callers side. i felt tech support branded them as idiots more often than they should. shit I was kinda an idiot because I didnt know what was going on!

i actually wanted to help. honestly. but the Culture made it difficult to help the people, for me to get the help for the people. so you learn to fudge troubleshooting steps to get approval for escalation quicker. ways to work the stupid shitty SYSTEM so you can get your department to do what they claim to want to do: fix peoples tech problems.

i actually LIKED figuring shit out, but i can’t do it in that context any more. taking call after call of WEIRD shit where i have to fight with the caller, then fight with level 2 to get the caller the help i dont have the knowledge or the authority to implement. convincing level 2 that yes, this shit DOES need to be escalated, do you realize how unprofessional it looks for our COMPANY to say “we cant help you” and then give them NO alternatives because we just dont know?

shit could be improved with regular training for level 1. but that costs too much.

could be improved by hiring more level 1’s. but that costs too much.

30 days of training?

try 10 hahahahahaha.


talking to a sup isnt a right, its a privilege


another very good story, its like WAR, people just disappear. shit is so stupid. its horrible for the customers, its even horribler for the CSR


This one’s voice shakes [level 1 begging to transfer angry caller to level 2]. I bet she’s wondering if she’s being recorded. “I have this customer who demands to speak to a supervisor. Can I please transfer him to you? He won’t speak to me anymore. He’s all mad, calling me stupid,” she says hurriedly.

She’s breathing heavily. I know I could grill her about the trouble-shooting steps she’s taken, run through the standard check list (check the cables, check the settings, rip TCP/ IP) and then shove her back to the customer. But I can hear the panic in her voice. I remember how it feels, calling for help and getting brushed off. “Go ahead,” I tell her. “Transfer him.”

“Thank you so much,” she says, her voice very fast like a prisoner suddenly freed. I think: she’s not gonna last much longer.

“It’s a new plan,” Angela sighs. “We can’t deactivate him. What we’re doing is collecting names, adding them to a list. Once we figure out what to do, we’ll take care of it. Give him a credit.”

“But he’ll be billed again next month,” I point out. “He’ll have to call back.”

“I’m sorry,” she says. “It’s all we can do for the moment.”

“Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight,” [aka “SO YOU’RE TELLING ME….” hahahahaha] the customer responds when I explain the situation to him. “I don’t have any service. I’ve never had any service. You can’t cancel the account which I’ve never had and you will continue to bill me?”

“Yes,” I answer cautiously, dreading his response.

“I’m stunned, absolutely stunned,” he says. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in a long, long time.”

There’s a long pause. It’s like waiting for the firing squad to yell FIRE!

And then he laughs, and I know I am in the clear. I’ve dodged another bullet. “Well,” he sighs, “I guess there’s not much I can do.” Fight, scream, raise hell I would like to tell him. Just not to me, to someone who has the authority to fix this mess. If only he could find that person.

I credit his account and send him on his way. Another unsatisfied customer.


5 Confessions Of A Comcast Customer Service Rep




if companies like comcast or any other damn call center, tech support, cust servce, SLAs, MSRs whatever, were SERIOUS about giving good cust service, they would PROVE it by implementing policy changes that were clearly PRO customer nstead of clearly ANTI customer.

Comcast Customer Service Agents Get Answers To Certification Tests Right Before The Tests

why would they want you to know the material? thats more time in training, which means less time out on the phones, which means less calls answered.

the emphasis on AVERAGE HANDLE TIME rather than ACTUALLY FIXING PROBLEMS. the COMPANY thinks its more important to leave a problem UNFIXED if the call goes over 20 minutes. or 15 minutes. or 3 minutes. whatever the SLA is.

our average call time was 20 minutes. i was always around 22 minutes because i went the extra mile. i was probably working for a better company because muh managers did not fire me for being 10% over the target, because they realized that apart from that, i did EXCELLENT work and actually tried to solve problems.

there is “Executive customer service” lines sometimes, semi-secret numbers that go straight to Executives so you get special treatment for being VIP. i do not know if our company had this. why would i? i was just level 1. i know i had a FEW super high ups call us, but its very possible they did not know abotu The Executive line.

Also encourage your frustrated callers to use TWITTER to complain. i never thout about this one!

Comcast Demands An Explanation Before Agreeing To Cancel Your Account



quote from jack lambert:::

Technical Support is one of the most burnout-inducing jobs you can have. There is constant pressure that comes from solving complex technical problems when you’re on the spot, coupled with the fact that most of the customers you’re working for are usually people who are in tough spots, that have managed to get good and frustrated before they called you. All of that kind of thing can wear you down until you’re in honest need of psychiatric attention, a long vacation, and possibly even meds to put yourself back on the straight and narrow. I know all that, because I’ve been there/done that, and I’ve seen countless tech support colleagues go there too.


Working with your mind is a weird business. You are physically able sit at a desk 16 (or more) hours a day, crunching away at tech work (or tech play for that matter). However, if you do this for an extended period of time, you stand a near 100% risk of developing one of several types of debilitating mental illness that may affect you for the rest of your life. You wouldn’t do manual labor until your body was broken and damaged beyond repair would you? Of course not. So why would you do mental labor until your mind was similarly broken and damaged?


I made the mistake once of trying to stick it out hoping things would get better. 9 months later when I ran out of mental gas, it took me almost 2 months off and some good meds to put me back together. I now recognize that I have some long term effects from that experience, in that I am far more susceptible to going back to burnout land ever since then. I am not doing that again, for anyone, for any amount of money. I will only let an employer fail to maintain my work environment at sane levels for maybe 3 or 4 months, and then I’m floating resumes and looking for my next job.

I also strongly suggest, that if or when you ever have to pack and leave because an employer can’t manage your work environment adequately, that you make really sure that you carry zero guilt when you go. Clearly explain to yourself, that it is not your failure as employee because you “couldn’t hack it” or some such. It is their failure as a company to manage a work environment that is not psychologically toxic. If they can’t manage to do that one little thing for you, then you owe them nothing, and are not responsible for their failure.


while customers are googling “how to get better customer service” and think asking for a supervisor or team leader or level 2 or manager is their Magic Ticket to Good Service, level 1 agents are googling “how to tell a customer they cannot speak to a supervisor” because they know their supervisors dont want to and cant talk to customers and we as level 1’s just arent sure how to word these sorts of things, and we are not gonna receive good Training on how to Deflect callers from talking to a higher up.


oh yeah. i think part of my dream involved seeing the woman taking a phone call. that was a problem for me at the end, was 1. i was thankful for being removed from calls and doing a non call project, but i was stll worried about taking calls. 2. at this point she was actually making a few calls a day, and i was doing none, so i felt that she was “better or smarter” than me, when, not too long ago, i was taking calls ALL DAY like a BOSS and i felt that i was way smarter and better than her. but at the end, i heard other people taking calls and i was like “OH GOD HOW COULD I EVER GO BACK TO THAT” and i felt like she was bragging by taking calls, not that she was, but i was kind of bragging a few months previous when I was taking calls and she was not.  and that bragging was a passive aggressive thing that i didnt do to the other chat/nonphone people, but i did to HER specifically because i was upset about her being distant from me.

perfectly wrong response to the shit test. better response would be, “i dont like you being distant; i can give you time and space, but i can’t give you forever. i want you to make up your mind. i’m giving you one month. also be aware that i do have feelings for you. i want to take this friendship to the next level. so think about it for a month, but if you cant give me an answer by then, i cant keep waiting, and i’m going to have to leave this relationship. whether i leave or not is up to you. its not fair that i be asked to wait on hold for longer than a damn month. my time is valuable.”

well that might be too assertive, in the sense that you are actually cmmunicating with words. alpha males know that women cant communicate with words, they’re not even AWARE of shit, they dont have to be aware of shit, so you are always responsible for them being damn big babies. babies with loaded guns hahahahaha.

5 miler walk. read that icmi.com article directly above, there were great comments on how to deflect and defuse callers who want to speak to a sup. reading this thread of comments was more useful than ALL the training i got on the “soft skills” of handling calls.

hey. SHE wanted OUT of the rel, so if she changes her mind and wants back IN the rel, SHE has to make that decision, because you think shes gonna listen to ME beg and convince and coerce her to take me back? shit i’ve already apologized too much! you cant change somebody, they have to change themselves on their own accord, and what im trying to do is change her mind about me.

i just dont think i was given a chance. i gave her tons of chances. she gave me none!

i just didnt think it would happen the way it did. that it would happen so suddenly and that it happened when it did.

i felt like she went and pulled the ultimatum move, WITHOUT ACTUALLY GIVING ME THE ULTIMATUM.

i STILL havent lost interest in her. yet she lost interest in me like 10 months ago. and now is whoring out her uterus to evern exciting dangerous challenging CHAD THUNDERC0CK out there, not even caring that she can get PREGNANT or get a DISEASE! just secs, just pregnant, just a fetus, just an abortion, just gential warts, gtfo bitch!!!!


i wasnt perfect. i made mistakes. but i was willing to work together to at least smooth things over so noone went away angry, which would be about the best “win win” we could get here.

she wasnt perfect, she made mistakes, and she was not willing at all to do any of this.

i know men and women are VEYR different, but are they SO different that you can NEVER hold a woman accountable for being unreasonable? that you can NEVER empathize with a woman and they can NEVER empathize with you?

doesnt she feel BAD about what she did? if she felt bad ENOUGH, she would apologize. so clearly she doesnt feel THAT bad. but she SHOULD! but she is also good at avoiding and forgetting about shit. she has certainly forgotten about all this by now. yet i havent forgotten about her.


i was way more hurt than she was. now she gets to continue in the job and go on to be more successful than me, becuase shes not committing career suicide! she is continuing to work at her Hard Job, and one day after Paying Her Dues, will move on to a Better Job, whereas i quit the job, have branded myself a quitter, will have a tough time getting a job of that shitty caliber, and one day she will be powerful enough to be My Supervisor, even though she is 8 years younger than me and doesnt have a degree hahahahahaha she was jsut fortunate not to go batshit crazy and quit her damn job.

i am always insecure abotu women dumping me then going on to being way more successful than me in their careers. this always happens because i am at the bottom of the career ladder, and all the women have gone on to be WAY more successful than me and make WAY more money and be WAY more respected. sometimes they get fancy graduate degrees, sometimes they make shitloads of money after moving into managment, sometimes they get a phd and become an Influential Intellectual, in this case she will prob move to a diff company which pays more and has less stress, but you can’t do that without Sticking It Out in the lower paying more stressful job WITHOUT QUITTING first!

so i respond to this by rereading what jack lambert says (see above.) that its just never worth it to go fooking crazy.

i was going crazy from the work and then i was going crazy from her, and then when the two worlds collided i said O HELL NO and it was obvious that things had crossed the rubicon, that Muh Triggers were Triggered. SNAPPED.

i snapped and she didnt.

its just SO FOOKING STUPID. SO STUPID. worst “breakup” i EVER had. EVER.

well…. before, when women had “THE TALK” with me….i would tyr to coerce them to change their mind. and i would sort of succeed, we would make out a little bit again, id get hopes up, theyd quickly start distancing again, i would fall back down, get angry, think it was “mixed signals” when really they had just been pressured by me, then quickly went back to their original position of they didnt want to be with me.

either way i should have never tried to make them “change their mind.”

i didnt really MANIPULATE THEM, really it was more like begging them to change their mind, pretty much same thing i did recently. i aint too proud to beg hahahaha. it has worked to get them to make out with me a couple more times, get the hopes up, and then trouble starts again. well in the past i have not had great communication with the women either!@!!!!!!

but it was still better than what happened with this one.

but the diff was i was closer to this woman, so this one is a lot tougher. it has been REALLY REALLY hard to accept that someone i was close to and trusted would End The Rel in this manner. I didnt want to believe that she actually WAS ending the rel. i am STILL in denial sometimes! oh she doesnt know what shes doing etc.

she ended the rel because i forced her?

if i ever ended a rel, wouldnt i blame it on the other person? they wouldnt listen to reason, they wouldnt stop their shit, so i HAD to end it. i didnt want to hurt them……well actually i did because i just essentially DROWNED them.

ohhh thats another great metaphor. you drowning a child in a tub, or smothering an elderly person with a pillow. hahahahaha. as they writhe pathetically, silent scream hahahaha, hands flailing helplessly.

thats what i felt like, and IM the bad guy????

you might not remember what was done and what was said, but you will never forget how you FELT. like total shit hahahaha. abandoned. left out in the cold to freeze to death.

lesson learned: next time i get feelings for a woman, which seems to happen once every 3 years, so, 2018 or so, tell her right away.

i dunno. i think she owes me more than i owe her! i tried and pleaded and begged and yeah thats gameless and real men dont beg, or real men dont COMMUNICATE, so it as ALL MY FAULT for not knowing that? for trying to commuicate? because real men know know to commincate? they do he man bullshit and start banging other women immediately. hahahaha ok yeah i did get total oneitis, which is essential a PREMATURE COMMITMENT.  well SORRY.

she coulda sent me one final text or email or message. she coulda sent me a message when she unfriended me. i was going to unfriend her with a Nice Polite Clarifying MESSAGE to go along with it…..but she unfriended me FIRST, wth NO message!

or she could have responded to any of my emails, at any time!

yeah the only xplanations i can come up with for Ending A Rel with Not Even One Text, is the person abused the shit out of you and you hate them for it; or you are Overwhelmed and just want to Abort Them.

or they hate you because they have no respect for you because you are a Weak Begging Beta! at least with Manly Abusers, they LOVE them and think they can CHANGE them and they keep going BACK for MOAR ABUSE! but nto so with Beta Weaklings!

I would have had better results if i had BEAT her!!!!!

maybe i should start Beating Women hahahahahaha.

this just doesnt sound RIGHT to me. but men and women are really different. but are they really SO different that they can NEVER understand one another? it seems stupid and unhealthy for women to love men who beat them. but thats what marxist psychologists say. and marxists are always wrong. and Alpha Game types are always right. and they suggest that women prefer violent abusive men. something like these men are powerful enough to NEVER TAKE SHIT from them. i mean what better way to pass a shit test.

anyway i still feel i should have been treated better and i am totally entitled to that feeling hahahahaha.  but it will take a fooking ETERNITY before i stop wanting her back. before the Flame Of Luv is Fully Snuffed Out. i always wish she will come to her senses and essentially do what i did to her: write long emails to ME, say pleeeeaaaseeeeee im soooo soryyyyyyyyy lets have long talks about this and lets get together forever.

ok shit im going to bed this is stupid. chad thunderc0ck is my name hahahaha. challenging chad.





go ask alice relationships category

i do like GAA even if it is marxist control pysop, antimale hahahaha just cuz i like reading “advice columns” and this is a good one for younger unmarried people, which as an Eternal Adolescent, i identify with. of course the endgame is, if all else fails, go see a shrink. ok great thanks for the advice bitch hahahahaha.


subcategory of relationships specifically on communicating


even these amoral nihilists say that Nonmonogamy can be wrong if……..both partners dont CONSENT to it!

and here i would actually agree with them. for them consent of the woman is the closest thing to “morality” and i dont have anything against CONSENT per se, i just think its just one small part of morality, which also includes the man’s consent, the respect and dignity of both parties, the dignity of the human as something more than TradeInAble FookFlesh.

stefan m, tons of people have GIVEN UP looking for a job, good comments too, but have to watch the damn vidya to find out SM’s actual opinion on it. are these lazy losers who dont deserve to live? or can we say the world is honestly actually that fooked up and that it destroys the soul an the Will To Work?

hehehe its HARD to take shit and be treated like shit and be confused and put upon all day. i have not found a way to be able to take this ABUSE well.

well thats not true, i survived at my last job for a full year, which is a damn miracle. but rather than being motivated to find a better job somewhere else, there is the sense of teetering on the edge, that one day something is gonna happen and you are gonna SNAP. could be sometthing at the job, could be something in personal life, a death or a dumping. and then you SNAP and get fired or quit.

also since it takes all your strength to just survive one day at a time, all your mental energy just to survive and prepare for the job, very hard to find another job. and all your time at home is either studying for your current job or sitting there like a brain dead zombie because youve just been at work all day, THEN you came home and studied MORE work for 2 hours, now your mind is just spinning but you cant bring yourself to study more, and in fact you should go to bed now, then you lay down and your mind races in an unproductive and anxious way.

and you can afford only a apartment in a violent crime filled neighborhood and you cant even pull 35 year old single moms for female companionship hahahaha.

did a 4.4 miler.

so modern women under 30, the only women that matter, hahahaha, but they suck because they are huge narcissisluts who reject you, yet they are huge carousel riding whores, and you wish you werent attracted to people so morally reprehnsible, but women werent’ always like that, but you are because biology hahahaha, anyway, mwu30 view NOT having facebook as being a “red flag” because its SO creepy. why WOULDNT you have a facebook unless you were a huge crepper weirdo stalker psycho. because because. because circular shit “logic.” hahahaha. but they dont NEED to have good logic!!!!

equal and opposite reaction. maybe since i had 10 months of love, i can expect 10 months of Abject Despair and MIsery. ill take it, i was budgeting 1 year hahahahah.

and yes at this point it would help my CONFIDENCE at least to have cute 20 year old gurls bouncing on muh dick casually. but that is EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

much like getting and keeping a job hahahaha. oh god hahaha.

today i learned that corsica the island belogns to france and not italy. that will get you a 15DAHJ hahahahaha.

yesterday it occured to me that i could try to Hack Into the Woman’s facebook or email……but i didnt really want to do that. didnt even want to try.

what if i were Actually Dating her and i did not trust her, like i thought she was cheating or planning to cheat?

welp then i should be lucky that she just hasnt dumped me yet hahahahaha.

and then communicate adn say baby i just dont trust you, are you planning on cheating, welp if you really are i wont be able to stop you, so lets have an open rel right now, so i can cheat on you too.

the end. thats all the conversation you need to have hhahaha. but no i mean youve broached the topic and got it right out there in the open. sunlight is the best disinfectant or whatever, lewis brandeisteinbergowitz hahahaha.

i have started doing sudoku puzzles, easy only, and it takes 10 to 20 minutes to complete one. i thought about my 20 minute call time target. it is kind of fun to do sudoku puzzles, but i would not want to be limited to 20 minutes for every one, then to start a new one IMMEDIATELY after finishing one, and to do that all day, while being on the phone with a nervous or impatient person as i try to figure it out.

took a little nyquil, then did a 2.8 miler. only took about 60% the dose of nyquil, dont want to be Zombified forever. full dose makes me zombie for 20 hours.

motivation. i never had any motivation ahhaha. except possibly sometimes women were muh motivation hahaha. but not right now! now i am gonna be hung up on a woman i can never be with, for a while!

so really my big fear about jobs is that youre going to be put into situations where you just dont know what to do; and then you put the customer on hold while you “do research” ie flail around searching the knowledge base for the answer; and you are trying to figure the shit out without going to your higher ups because they will treat you like an idiot; but you have to GET USED to being treated like an idiot both my your Superiors and by your customers. basically get USED to being abused all day, and also being confused and rushed. all this is very hard to get used to, and its hard to do that all your damn life. it makes you really want to use MJ when you get off work!!!

but yeah never a good feel when you work on confusing shit for 8 hours a day, then you cant get your mind off it when you go home, so you say welp might as well study work shit for 2 hours then. then its late and you gotta go to bed. you mind races about work shit and you wake up in the middle of the night with your mind racing about work shit. then you wake up and say damn i should have went to bed an hour earlier. but then i wouldnt be able to STUDY. AND im still not getting any exercise. i dont have TIME to exercise because i gotta

OOOO I JUST GOT QUADS!!!!! queens. QQQQ. yes i was all in after another guy  went all in! i had QQ, then another Q on flop, then final Q on the turn. insane.

but yeah ideally you would go to bed immediately after working an 8 hour day. no exercising, no studying, just sleep.

but you cant sleep cuz thinking about WORK. MJ helps with this, and prob so would nyquil or benadryl. but i was scared it would make me groggy on the job so i never took them.

funny i was stressing about job a lot more and pushing myself with studying, when i was NOT on phones! and also when i was also concurrently stressed out about the woman.

in other words, the increased stress abotu the woman CAUSED ME to stress out more about WORK TOO! stress caused more stress! which all led to a breakdown! which doesnt look good in interviews!

so what i would do is, only study once every OTHER work day, the other days walk on the treadmill or go for powerwalk for AT LEAST two hours if not THREE, AND every THIRD day, take a reduced dose of a sleeping aid like nyquil or benadryl and try to get SOME good sleep. reduced dose, take that as soon as getting off the shift, so you are not groggy the next day, because you have to be ALWAYS ON.

also drink tea on the job and not coffee, will make you less nervous and hurt stomach less and cause you to have Nervous Poops less.

also take Benzos ON the job once every 2 or 3 days. to make you less nervous ON the job. yes break the benzo up. split it in half. i had a shitload of valium. i should have just taken half a valium at the start of the day some days.

i guess it may be tricky coordinating the valium in the workday with the sleeping pills after work.

yes you do need to get 8 horus of sleep. at LEAST. 9 or 10 is better. but even though you are tired you cant sleep cuz too nervous.

Request-Masters in Accounting, Can’t Find Job

aaron clarey video

A man has graduated with an enviable and quite employable degree, but can’t find a job. Cappy suggests a couple strategies including fishing in different waters, trying various job search sites, etc., but also recommends he just get his CPA and then focus on becoming an entrepreneur.


I have 7 years experience in accounting. My last job search took 1 year. The school where I got my masters..I applied to every job on their career website and NOT ONE got back to me. And after I graduated and finally found a job on my own, they had the balls to ask me for alumni donations. All they heard was CLICK. And yes accounting seems bad..its insanely competitive, employers know it and work you to the bone, my bitch boss is squeezing more and more work out of me for the same shitty pay. And yes having a CPA opens up more doors in accounting.

I have a job as a management accountant in Germany and can’t find a new job for shit. I am moving into IT, accounting is a DEAD END.


Video Request-Fighting Post College Depression

for 10 years after college hahaha. i wasted muh twenties. when i should be working all sorts of diff jobs and banging all sorts of diff gurls. i couldnt get gurls and i couldnt get jobs hahahaha. could not even do the bare minimum. feelz bad man. defective person.

hehehe what does kevin spacey say in the movie seven, something like “only in a world this shitty, could we say that these are not bad people.”

i was gonna add to that that the homeless crack whore with no teeth and just ugly as sin, gumming dicks for crack, is more honest and had more integrity than the Average Woman hahahahahaha. who is a whore in a much more dishonest, deceptive, scheming, horrible way hahahaha and deserves less respect than a 2 DOLLAR CRACK WHORE.

aaron clarey gives Asshole Consulting to a Millennial Loser!!! who hates himself and is lazy as hell and dropped out of high school and sponges off his family and cant get a job because he gets anxious hahahaha.

i read that for a while, the comments i mean, then felt hopeless to improve my own life, being a jobless and skillless loser, and that i will never get close to a 25 year old white childless nonslut nontattooed woman ever again. it hurts more to get dumped by a virtuous woman than by a piece of shit woman!

well she was NOT virtuous in the way she dealt with ME!

also i didnt get dumped for being a Beta Loser per se. rather she never liked me In That Way at ALL.

besides she had no problem becoming my friend even though i was a huge loser. but probably women dont care who you are if they are just looking for male friends.

she didnt seem to have a lot of male friends either. THAT would be a big red flags. likes the attention of beta orbiters in the friendzone. nope that was not her. like this other slut i knew who had a ton of male “friends” and had fooked most of them, the degenerate whore.

oh shit i had a good thought i think while i was walking. uhhhhhh. cant remember it.

i did hear a good tip, that you try Fasting to motivate you. just dont eat food at all for a few days, to motivate you to do shit. you are allowed to drink water. this will simulate the state of being desperate and starving and having to Work To Eat.

so i might try that. i am not allowed to EAT until i have done some job related stuff.

plus i am trying to lose weight, so that will also help that.

also i wouldnt hurt to do Intermittent Fasting every couple of months anyway. just go 24 or 36 or 48 hours without eating.

well at least i am not blaming myself as much today. i am saying to myself, that bitch, there is no reason she couldnt have dumped me more nicely!

also the idea that i should Reach Out to HER and say please dump me more nicely, please apologize to me……. come ON! if they have ANY remorse, the onus is on THEM to reach out to ME and say sorry for dumping you so harshly!!!!! i shouldnt have to initiate HER apology! thats not the way it works! plus its pathetic for me! begging people to apologize to you for disrespects they gave you.

uhhh never take more than half a dose of nyquil. even 60% was a little too much.

yeah its starting to get cold out there. might have to sign up for the old planet fitness. might be able to pick up some obese ugly single moms, its the best i can do, being an old loser hahahaha. looks like i was was out of my league with my female friend. maybe thats why she was so DISGUSTED by me liking her. that she thought she was WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY out of my league. but she didnt seem as narcissistic and overconfident as the Average Woman! like she wasnt in love with herself and didnt seem attention seeking.

really she didnt give a lot of big red flags when we were friends. she came across as a sensible woman, who honestly respected and liked me, and was nice to me, and accepted me for the huge loser i was. she didnt see me as a huge loser in other words!

yeah she had some reddish flags but most women have much bigger red flags that you can see a mile away, immediately!!!!

it was only after she passed my strict vetting/probation period that i began to trust her and get really comfortable with her, and then the liking started! this is proper, this is a good idea, i went about it the right way here. and this is the way i should continue to go abotu it in the future!

but she surprised the shit out of me when she dumped me like a damn piece of trash, becuase i had never seen her do anything like that before.

well except to people who deserved it, like the guy who cheated on her. i guess she called him on it and bitched him out and never talked to him again. which is proper.

maybe she was used to doing that to guys now, so she overreacted and did it to a guy who didnt deserve it, ie me. also she never bitched me out in the sense of giving me one final piece of her mind before she did it.

again the best explanation is that she avoids conflict. shes an avoider, and avoiders AVOID.

i wonder what she said to HIM. did she confront him in person and scream at him? did she beg him to stop so they could work on their rel? i dont think she DID beg him. she had enough self respect to say no i dont want someone who cheats on me.

hehehehe i am not sure i would do the same. i would probably desperately beg them to work on our rel and i will give them another chance. just pleaseeeeeee stop cheating on me. and then she would dump me for the guy she was cheating on me with hahahahaha.

well dumping a guy who is cheating on you is a good thing, sign of a mentally balanced woman. its the right thing to do. she always seemed to try to do the right thing. one of the things i liked abotu her. she was virtuous. she was kind and merciful rather than a mean bitchy bitch.

so this is why i blamed myself when she dumped me. because from her track record, i didnt think she would dump someone unless they REALLY DESERVED IT, otherwise she would treat a person with kindness and mercy.

so its just my like that she would go against character, on ME.

well she was under a lot of stress, with family, with her heart being broken, so yeah it makes sense that she would want to avoid dealing with another stressful situation in such short order. she was getting dumped on and she had reached her breaking point.

also she did use the term “broken heart” to describe what happened with the cheater.

and that is exactly what i was too hahahaha. i thought of the word itself “heartbreak” as such an apt and accurate metaphor for how you really feel. so therefore anyone else who used that word, you would know exactly  how they feel. ie horrible. like dying hahahaha.

well i am not making excuses on her behalf, i am just honestly tyring to answer the question of “how could she do this.”

most likely she was overwhelmed by stress and just shut down and avoided yet another stressful situation. that being she did want to say no to me. if she wanted to say maybe or yes to me, well then that would be its own incentive. she might have been overwhlemed and confused, but i think she was certain in the fact that she didnt want me. wawawawawawaw. boo hoo.

lesson learned: if your female friend gets out of a long term rel, then very soon after appears to be possibly dating a guy, but is not saying anything to you……just fooking ask her. dont dance around it.

well i thought it would take her like 3 to 6 months to get over the LTR. so this new guy was so a rebound. and not a good rebound either! maybe he cheated on her because she was still hung up on the LTR. ?

well he probably cheated on her because he COULD. he was an alpha male popular with the ladies. and thats about all i know about him is that he probably was kind of a “player.” probably gave her some shitty disease hahahaha and i still wanted her.

in june 2014 i went on a very fun nice “road trip” with an old friend from college and it was real nice to reconnect, i kinda wanted to pay off a karmic debt to him and the guy we were going to see, and i feel i succeeded in that. anyway i told him about My Female Friend where i had a female friend i got along with real well, but i wasnt really attracted to her That Way, which was weird, cuz she wasnt ugly. well, she was in an LTR but she just got out of it like right now.

i think i wanted to start hanging out with her a little more once the LTR was done. just to possibly “EXPLORE” my feelings with her. maybe give it a chance.

well we only hung out 3 times after that. first time was july 2014 when i later felt most guilty about not doing anything. but i think she was dating the new guy by then.

second time was august 2014. that time i was more open and asked if she wanted to hang out at her house but she was busy. damn.

third and final time was sept 2014 when we went to an event. she was CERTAINLY dating the guy by then, and now i was WELL on the path. by oct it was official for me.  and then i could NEVER get her to hang out with me . even though before, we were hanging out every month!

so its incumbent on me to say something if i get feelings for her. ok fine. well that was what email1 attempted to do, to beg for us to communicate with each other about our Strained Relationship.

well she is just as responsible for saying something when she wants to Get Out! and she didnt say a damn thing, didnt respond to email1, shit.

anyway i should have said to her in june 2014, dont you think its weird that we get along so well but we dont try going out? do you think i am ugly or something hahahaha. i dont htink you are ugly! maybe we shoud try dating or cuddling or fooking now that you are broken up. just give it a try. we get along really well as friends. we could each do a lot worse! or are you already dating someone else? wow move quick dont you? well how about give me a try too. i know you modern women dont care who impregnates you!



shit. hahahaha. had terrible headache when i went to bed last night. that did not keep me from thinking about you know who. took tylenol and eventually got to sleep and no more headche in the morning thank GOD.

i thought well maybe if i see her Running Around with Other Guys, that will help me Get Over her quicker.

well it would definitely make me jealous! because they get to have her and i dont! because she likes them and doesnt like me! and i would get angry and jealous and call her a “fooking whore” probably etc. and then i would really be able to make her the bad guy. it would make her real easy to hate. no better way to smash the pedestal than to see you One And Only whoring it up with other guys and loving it!

i mean thats a womans right, just like its her right not to like you. but its also my right to be heartbroken and jealous hahahaha.

but im kinda glad i dont have to see that. its bad enough to think about it!

but thats not what i asked, i asked (basically) would adding that new short term pain help shorten the long term pain in the end? maybe.  i dont really want any more short term pain though!!!!

i had long term feelings for her, so of COURSE its gonna hurt for a long time, and take a long time to fully get over.

but it did occur to me that, believe it or not, she had never been in this position before. of having to reject a guy who liked her. of having to end a relationship. i think pretty much she has always been the dumpee, which is weird for women. but she has never been put in the position of wanting to end a rel because she doesnt like the person. this was all very new to her. she didnt know what to do, so she did it in the worst way possible, which was also the easiest. easy way out.

also she is a classic avoider, no doubt about that. conflict avoiding. so am i, but shes even worse.

a good metaphor is an ABORTION, she essential just got an Abortion on the Relationship. now an abortion usually does cause some pain and guilt to the person doing it. but basically you are conveniently and controversially “GETTING RID OF” something just because you can. dont deal with it, you know you CANT deal with it…..so get rid of it. and she knew she couldnt deal wiht it. the situation with me. so she just got rid of me.

maybe feels bad for a few days and then 3 months later is certainly out fooking guys hahahahaha. while 3 months later i am still thinking about her all the damn time. but then i had 900000000 times deeper feelings for her than she did for me. yep it was basically like every other stupid thing i had with any woman! the 2 good years of friendship just didnt matter apparently.

that really sucks. i do not often get along with a woman that well, have that level of comfort. hadnt happened in years. i was not that comfortable or close with the previous woman. we never got that close. with w15 i got a kind of appreciation from her that i was simply not at all used to. genuine feminine warmth and kindness. you know, that thing men appreciate about women besides their Looks. what basically makes a Good Personality for a Woman: is not being SMART or CLEVER, is not being fun and exciting, is not being a Nymphomaniac, but simply being Nice and Pleasant and Warm and Kind and Gentle and Supportive and Nurturing and Loyal and Loving. and Faithful. same thing as loyal hahahaha.

anyway so i think i will never get over her. i thougth the same thing about every other damn bitch. hahahaha.

“BBBBBUT this one is DIFFERENT! she was different! i thought she was THE ONE! I loved her MORE!”

well, i sorta thought that about some of the other women too. i was crazy in love with them and have the Adverse Repercussions to prove it! bad shit went down! i went crazy!

bbbbbut she REALLY IS different because i was CLOSEST to her. i had some kind of actual relationship with her, in the form of a 2 year friendship, rather than just 2 months of fake dating and then were done.

well that is true. i did get to know her as a person for a long period of time. it was a form of a long term relationship. and its true i never had this happen before in this way. have a long term friendship with a woman, then fall in luv with her. there is a lot of NEW experiences and new pain hahahaha. but it is still reasonable to think i will get over it.

it WILL take a long time though. might take the longest time ever considering the Importance and Length of the Rel.

so how long will it take? what was the longest it took me to Get Over a woman?

well shit at LEAST a year. but in some of those cases, i was prolonging the pain by not doing No COntact. i would still see the woman and pine for them.

well at least i dont do THAT any more!

from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCrjyUZGtZc

QUOTE from comment on above youtube video, bolding by moi

Karol Kolbusz 4 days ago
I recommend all of you to read Kierkegaard’s “Sickness unto death”. When people face with despair (depression), which is a sign of awakening of their personality, they tend to avoid that problem by…becoming someone else, that they are actually not.

Therefore, many women, who feel different from the rest of society, who are interested in old-fashioned customs, they can’t cope with the feelings of loneliness and social ostracism, which overwhelms them, as soon as they start developing the real personality.

So, these women behave like monkeys, because they copy “socially acceptable” personalities from the other people. And what is more, media brainwash them more, by showing pictures of extremely thin models. Girls think it’s something worth copying (to be thin, to be sexually attractive for brainwashed men, who watch pornography…), so they lose their weight, by not eating meat. And believe me, lack of animal proteins makes people even more compliant and weak, both physically and mentally. When they finally become skeletons, it’s too late for any rescue – the brainwashed women choose feminism. And they usually feel compassion for animals, sexual minorities, Muslims from Syria etc. BUT IN FACT it’s only a MASK, they put on (it’s easy to feel compassion for people you do not know personally, or animals who do not speak in a human manner…), in order to hide real lack of empathy. They love everybody, but as the result they actually love no one. Nowadays women also tend to become more masculine, because when they are NOT female anymore, nobody can criticise them anymore for not being pretty enough.

Only autistic/Asperger people are not afraid of social ostracism, they have very deep and obssesive interests, they feel empathy towards the world, nature, philosophical ideas (they actually FEEL empathy to the people and even stronger than “normal” individuals, but don’t show that in regular way due to some problems with communication and and visual/sonic oversensitivity). I believe that’s the reason why such people make great art and inventions (well, technology is actually bad…but we can just admire the passion of inventors). The autistic people are often regarded as anti-social outcasts, owing to the fact that (even if they want), they cannot lose their traits and just start parroting other people.

So if you are looking for a conservative woman, best look in “the tribe of autistics” :).

I will probably make a video about that, because I am Asperger myself. I have no relatives (other than parents) or “friends” outside the Internet, because I find no point in socialising with degenerated society.


sperg with the right idea commenting on varg vikernes video regarding the role of women. great points. great comment. thats why i copied it here. it is useful and good.

yes of course i luv varg and his Traditional Ways Of Yore and his healthy beautiful happy family, wife and many children.

well that video is really just a pointer to his wifes video about The Role Of Women, essentially as Preservers and Carryers On of Tradition, if i understand corrrectly.

i was like yeah this sounds great!  when have you ever seen a woman be a Transmitter of Tradition? but of course modern women are pretty much useless except for being annoying degenerate whores. course i cant complain because i am not a sterling specimen myself, just a loser weak man. so really i dont DESERVE a good woman.

muh woman was somewhat confused and had some Baggage in her Background, but it was all stuff i could live with, they were not dealbreakers, plus it kind of made her imperfect, and not “too good to be true.” i mean she is certainly not the perfect traditional woman, but she hit the biggest things of, she wasnt a whore, and she was a nice and kind, and from there other good qualities unfolded. like not wearing makeup, not dressing like a whore (goes along with not being a whore), not being annoying or obnoxious, being well behaved and polite and nice, not glued to the phone texting all the time, not being a lockstep leftist marxist like most women, pays attention to the news somewhat, was more “redpilled” than avg woman, though not obnoxious in pretending to be “super intelligent”,  she had a lot of great qualities but eventually her being a Bigtime AVOIDER was what killed it. she AVOIDS even worse than i do. athough she is probably less of a Despaired Procrastinator (“Why even try, its hopeless, it wont work out anyway”) than i am. she just avoids conflict in this rel more than i wanted to.

so yeah i procrastinate at life and jobs and stuff cuz i am tired of failing, and then get slow and lazy. she i think is more to push things under the rug, avoid them until she forgets they even exist, then go on with life. forgetting shit rather than processing and learning from shit. out of sight, out of mind.

also i am not sure she picks the best men. well the first guy she was with for a long time and i got along with him and he was a pretty good guy, but he was not great to her during the time i knew him.

oooh interesting point. if i were hiding and dissembling shit, i would have been trying to break them up. i was trying to get them to work shit out. when i saw her with him i did not get insanely jealous. they way i do now when i think of her with guys. oh yeah i explained this in my email. if i were secretly in luv with you, why would i be pushing you to figure things out with him? wouldnt i be pushing you to break up with him and date me? or try to “steal you” from him.?

but he had his own baggage and issues, that if he were not a brash stubborn wont take shit fairly manly man, would be enough to scare women away from betaer men. red flags and shit.

anyway. point is. holy shit its been a YEAR since i started liking her; its been over a YEAR since we had our Final Good Hangout in Sept 2014; after that we only had one meeting outside of Job, and it was horrrrrrible, i have of course mentioned it before.

so yeah that is an especially tragic flaw. pick men who dont treat her well, probably because of father issues, which also causes her to be good at abandoning and avoiding and forgetting about people. probably hahahaha.

like i say, its really a MIRACLE she didnt become a huge slut, or that she doesnt have any Fatherless Kids by now, or that she stayed with her First Major Boifran for like 4 or 5 years. WELL…..im not sure thats so ODD for young women and their First BF’s. first cut is the deepest hahahaha. and then they never get over that guy and then they become broken sluts hahaahahaha.

well it was a mistake imho for her to date another guy so soon after the first one. and to fall so deeply for him! imho this probably was some unresolved feelings for the FIRST guy! how could it not be? first major BF, very long term.

went for a nice 5 mile walk, i needed that. thank god.

listened to a few youtube things including this from helen fisher, the brain in love. not horrible. she is a little stiff but certainly on the high end of “women doing tedx talks about luv and relationships” which tends towards the shitty.

here she makes the good point that luv is powerful and addictive like a drug. and it really drives us crazy. and it can take at least 8 months for us to get over somebody and it is one of the most powerful things on earth. she implies that it is such a powerful thing, how the hell could you love more than one person at a time? you are choosing one person above all others. so there is an implication that Monogamy is better than Open Relationships. i hope i was not reading too much into it hahahaha.

oh also she says that 95% of BOTH men AND women have experienced the pain of being dumped by someone that they loved, AND ALSO dumping someone that loved them. i thought this number was a bti suspect. course she is dealing with a population of elite college students, prob most 18-22 years old, so, those samples obviously suck and are not helping “research” psychology. but yeah i have known only the pain of being dumped. i have never dumped somebody who loved me. i do not think any woman ever really loved me. and i bet if they did, they would be pathetic and i wouldnt really love them back hahahahaha.

helen fisher “why we love, why we CHEAT” hahaha havent listened to this one yet

and i also listened to e michael jones talk about his new book “libido dominandi”

not sure who he is but he was fun to listen to. i would guess he is some kind of openly pro-catholic phd intellectual academic. ie non mainstream academic. interesting interview where he talks abotu pornography being sold as “freedom” but its really a way to CONTROL people, thru their basest desires.

well i would agree with that, but i wanted to hear him talk moar about modern mating practices like casual sex and open relationships and promiscuity, and how they might possibly destabilize a society and be bad. but instead he says the clinton years were the apex of degeneracy. i say they degeneracy just keeps growing and growing. and now “normal people” are as degenerate as clinton was. he didnt mention anything like that but did have some good talk on how freud and watson and kinsey were degenerate.

also pornography controls men more than it does women, so how do we control womens “sexuality?” well similar, we give them “freedom” and the “freedom” ends up enslaving them. so their “pornography” is really just the cok carousel of casual sex with alphas. because they are women, they can actually live out all their sexual desires, rather than just beat off to porno.

hehehe but the whole damn ball of wax is degenerate, no matter whether you’re the alpha banging, the degenerate sluts getting banged, or the betas jerking off. and of course i have the most sympathy for the betas jerking off. there but for the grace of god go i. go we.

anyway the point is, when you get your heart broke, it is some SERIOUS shit, and it SHOULD be, and too many peopel avoid it, rush through it, do a rebound, PRETEND to be over it, DELUDE themselves.  but you should really be in pain and misery for a long time. it is a lot of suffering! drink in the suffering. guzzle the suffering like bitches guzzle jizz.  live in the suffering for months and years. well if you still feel like garbage at 1 year, uhhhh go see a shrink.

when i say shrink i mean go see a social worker at a budget sort of place. maybe see if they have an older man rather than a younger woman hahahaha.

i was lookng at some photoshops i made in 2008 and 2009 and they were pretty hilarious. (google photos under google drive.)

there was stuff there that indicated that i was very “thirsty” and lonely and was yearning to meet new women because i didnt know any. well in 2007 or 8 i met a woman who was garbage but i developed an infatuation with her because she was yougn and cute and the only woman i knew. she was legit cute and young though. but she was crazy and also a horrible slut. if i had any game i could of banged her like so many other men! anyway she was a much worse woman than woman2015; she used to be a Numbered WOman (former woman6) but i removed her because she was garbage plus i wasnt super duper in love with her. i had a drunken desperate crush on her though. but i got over her kinda quickly. i think. anyway she was at her peak then and she had a few good years after that and now is in the later 20s and starting to approach The Wall, and has certainly taken lotsa coxa on top of the already high number she had at age 19/20, and is dating a hideous guy who is definitely not of her race hahahahahahah. damn dirty mud shark hahahahahahah. sorry i just dont like white gurls who “date” ie fook nonwhite guys. especially when i had wanted the gurls and they rejected me. and the guy is black. or arab. or turkic or mestizo. would i be bothered if they dated an asian? maybe. probably because asians are less obnoxious than blacks or browns hahahahaha. but i am hardly an asian lover hahahaha. i have no desire for asian gurls. i still want to date, marry and ahve chirren within my own white race, because i am a white racist hahahahaha. so solly. dont like it, go fook some fat black 30 year old woman with 5 kids from different fathers. or maybe a fat asian like a 30 year old laotian or vietnamese woman with a body like a fat cambodian potato.

not any worse than a 30 year old fat WHITE single mom amirite?

actually it is marginally worse hahahahahaha. if your preference is for somewhat attractive younger white women. shit yeah this is a very valuable commodity hahahaha that is bought and sold surprisingly cheaply by alphas and black thugs and arab thugs hahahahahaha.

i get even more racist when i get heartbroke hahahaha.

yeah the trick is to never get more feelings than the woman does.


use her lack of feelings to put the brakes on your own feelings.


i guess you can check in with her once every two weeks. and say as of now, muh feelings are low, moderate, or strong. or nonexistent.  and see how they change over time. if hers go down and yours go up, you are headed for a heartbreak!

or she has no feelings and you have any hahahahaha.








had stupid dream with The Woman but it wasnt as horrible as it could have been. the main thing i remember is my leg touching her leg because i was trying to indicate interest but she was not interested. the other main thing was that she was being actively bitchy to me. not just cold and distant, but she appeared to sadistically enjoy busting my balls. like yeah im gonna enjoy being mean to this loser. i also kept chasing after her trying to have a conversation that lasted more than 30 seconds, becuase “WE NEED TO TALK.” but she kept leaving after 30 seconds of small talk, usually busting my balls. eventually i caught up to her and frantically said we need to talk, i have something i want to talk to you about.

that was about it. in real life she was cold and distant but not actively mean, if that makes any sense. she would still do small talk with me, but she was at least pretending to be nice when she did it, i could see hints of the Good Old version of her, which of course gave me false hope.

my new theory on “how could she do this” in addition to “easy way out”, is that she HAD to make me The Bad Guy in order to justify doing this. gonna treat him like a piece of shit because he IS a piece of shit. so in other words i could never convince her otherwise. her mind is made up. now why exactly im a piece of shit ill never know, but probably it has to do with her feeling Betrayed and or Horrified. she feels Betrayed that her friend could be harboring these “secret feelings” all the while. it wasnt all the while, i was very clear to mention, but she prob didnt read that. she was building up her own fantasy where i was the total bad guy who was sleazily scheming to get close to her and eventually get with her.  so she was totally deluded; i wasnt betraying her or stabbing her in the back. i wasnt scheming to do anything but damn talk to her as soon as possible!

it DOESNT HAVE To make sense. she is a woman hahahaha. not particularly Emotionally Intelligent. not particularly Empathic. she never said well maybe he just likes me, and when men and women are friends for a while, its not uncommon for one person to get feelings, its nobodys FAULT.  no, its i was the bad piece of shit betrayer who doesnt deserve to be let down easy. send him a message.

so yeah i dont like it! cuz im not the bad guy! and i dont like being thought of as a Bad Guy by someone i loved!

so that means shes gonna tell her friends and family what a horrible piece of shit i am. that i….betrayed her by secretly wanting her.

i mean if she THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR 2 SECONDS, she could see how ridiculous this is. i didnt start acting weird until october or so. and she didnt start denying me Hangouts before then. before then everything was all good. and then i started acting weird and wanting to hang out. GEE I WONDER WHY. also if she could put herself in my position and say when have i ever had one sided feelings for someone? oh very recently thats right. and what did it feel like? oh it was painful and heartbreaking. what did i do? oh i tried to hang out with them and talk to them about it. more likely i succeeded in hanging out with them and showing this physically thru Fooking and Sucking, didnt need to have a talk about it, because talking just messes everything up, fooking and sucking says all that needs to be said hahahahahaha.

but yeah she needs to view me as the bad guy in order to treat me like the bad guy. no wonder then, that for a long time i FEEL like a bad guy! and constantly blame myself for being the bad guy! because thats how shes treating me!!!!

heh. she is the one who has been in a long term rel for 5 years yet she cant even take 10 seconds to do an EMpathy Exercise, or think Second LEvel THinking about this. that i might not be the bad guy, that i just eventually got feelings and wanted to talk about them, and the more we didnt talk, the weirder and more anxious i got.

she thought i was the bad guy betrayer and she was totally mistaken.

i was simply in luv with her, and i was not mistaken at all. that was totally honest.

getting feelings for someone isnt BETRAYING them! but i cant convince her of that. of COURSE i wrote a few good paragraphs about this to her. but of course shes not gonna believe The Bad Guy!

but i think if she tells the story honestly to others, they would say, well he wasnt trying to betray you, he obviously got feelings for you and wanted to talk to you about it, but you wouldnt really let him, you stopped hanging out. i mean he CHANGED didnt he? if he hadnt changed in his outward behavior, that would be more of a betrayal, cuz he would be pretending something other than the truth. he was obviously worried an anxious about this. he wasnt pretending to be your friend and secretly having feelings.

but women can use the Hamster to convince themselves of ANYTHING, so she could well believe that i was a Weak Beta Orbiter that whole damn 2 years, lying to her. when i wasnt. but she might paint this picture to her friends and family. this is stupid and unfair and i kind of liked her family.

OR i could just be wrong and her primary emotion is not “ive been betrayed by this evil coward!” but “im confused and overwhelmed and i am gonna shut down because its the easy way out.”

so then at this time she may still be confused but not willing to sort the emotions out because its too much work, to apologize is too much work, still wants to take easy way out, pretend i never existed.  there is probably a complicated stew of emotions including betrayal, and confusion, and horrified, in the sense of o god please tell me he doesnt like me, it kinda seems like it now, o god that would be horrible. she might have been in denial about that, same was i was in denial about “oh yeah shell hang out and well talk eventually.”

also women move on from things a lot quicker. this could have to do with them having a biological clock, OR they are used to the process of Processing Men, OR they dont really DEAL with anything, they just avoid it and push it under the rug and try to forget about it. or a combination of all that.

anyway. i am entitled to MY feelings, and she is entitled to HER feelings. whatever they may be. i am entitled to feel devastated and heartbroken, she is entitled to feel Betrayed. even if that is RIDICULOUS. WAY more ridiculous than me being in luv with her!

betrayal is when…..shit who cares. theres arguments for and against why she could view what i did as a betrayal. i will never know what she actually thinks, and it doesnt really MATTER, other than me overanalysing it trying to figure out “how could she do this?” one day in the distant future i will hopefully just stop caring. but this is part of me processing it. i have to plow right through the middle of it all, suffer all the suffering.

so maybe she didnt think i was THE BAD GUY. maybe she did.

another thing that bothers me is ill never know if she Read Muh Emailz. they explained my side of the story pretty well and addressed all the shit i worry about here: the ideal of betrayal, when everything happened, a timeline, explanation of my motives, stupid apoligies, asking her “could there ever be a chance of you and me”, pointing out that i wasnt hiding shit from her, that i wanted to talk but tension built up the longer we didnt talk; how and when my feelings started; appealing to the Good Times and the close connection; me asking why are you so offended by this; opening the door to future contact, i will always be willing to talk, but also saying the ball is in your court; and begging please respond hahahaha. these 3-4 emails were an epic journey, quite a lot going on there. im sure made her overwhelmed all over again hahahaha and its EASIER just not to respond ever.

but yeah i just want to know she READ it rather than just blocked them or deleted them without reading. those emails were the only way i could communicate what i wanted to communicate, and i will never know if she even read them!!!!!

and i just have to live with that.

yeah feel the feelings. i am just very heartbroken that an Important Relationship Of My Life ended in such a stupid, hurtful, painful way.

so what hurts more? me with the pain of heartbreak, or her with the ridiculous invalid pain of “being betrayed?”

i am gonna go with the heartbreak hahahaha.

also maybe because she had been betrayed by a guy recently, she automatically saw anything weird that happened with a guy as a BETRAYAL. but dont get it twisted honey. i didnt cheat on you. you werent in love with me. i was in love with you and you treated me like i was a horrible person. come on. getting feelings isnt inherently horrible. it is almost inevitable when a man and a woman are friends for long enough.  sure its uncomfortable and awkward but its not HORRIBLE.

however this is a sophisticated nuance that requires great Emotional Intelligence to recognize. and like all intelligence, men have more emotional intelligence than women, even if women are more Emotional than men. they’re just not smart about it though! they miscommunicate and dont communicate and dont think about the emotions and what they mean, where they come from, what other emotions and thoughts might be under them, and also what emotions the other people are having. empathy.

nope. its just i have my simple story of what i think he was thinking, and thats it. no discussion, just straight dumping.

never read the emails where he actually explains what he is thinking and feeling, cuz they are too long and creepy, because he’s the bad guy here, im the good guy, and i dont have to learn a damn thing about Communication, Emotional Intelligence, or RElationships.  nope.

well i learned a decent amount even if she learned nothing.

well its not like she is BAD at relationships. she just needs to be invested in them and then she can make them last. but she was not invested with me!!! and i thought she would be. that she would be invested enough to not take the easy way out. guess i was wrong. hahahaha.

i just hate feeling like the bad guy. i never had so much self blame as i do now. with other Heartbreaks i was able to make THEM the bad guy and i was fine with that! (even though in the long run its no ones FAULT really, they just dont have the feelings, and its NICE of them to try to let you down easy, they dont HAVE To do that, as we have seen!.

but yeah when they TREAT you like a bad guy, you FEEL like a bad guy, and think wow damn i must have done something that was absolutely HORRIBLE! i am a horrible person and dont even know it! and all my life i have tried NOT to be a horrible person! yet i still end up being one!

anyway i still want her and her long legs and big thighs and pale white skin and big white ass and Nice Mouth and pretty hair and pretty face and nice skin and didnt dress like a 2 dollar whore with whoreclothes and clown make up wawawawawawawawawawaw. ok time for a 4.4 miler.

why she do this to me hahahahaha. wawawawawawaw.

every day i have to fight off urges to contact her. becuase i think she made the wrong decision. we are each entitled to our Emotions, but her emotion that i Betrayed her is Just Wrong. but i dont know for a fact that she feels that way, or just an undifferentiated emotion stew that she never bothered to analyze.

yeah i mean i was pushy annoying desperate and weird to her, at a hard time in her life. not my proudest moment.

but she would rather throw away 2 good years than have ONE HOUR of conversation? i will always be butthurt by that!

and yeah i still want her. i want to be with her. “only wanna be with u” by hootie and the blowfish hahahaha. that would be my theme song for her.

but what would i say that hasnt been said already? i said 90% of this in the 4 emails.

hahahaha maybe i should resend the emails plus a new email, from a brand new email address which she hasnt blocked.

and again, i dont know if she’s BLOCKED email, or just deletes it as soon as she sees it

well she has sent the clear message that she doesnt want to talk to me. period. sooooooo sending her shit saying please respond is just useless.

and you can’t MAKE somebody do something. cant MAKE them love you, cant MAKE them respond to you, cant MAKE them hang out with you, cant MAKE them communicate with you.

well sure you can! you can say “please just do me a favor here. for the sake of our friendship just bite the bullet and do this one thing for me.” and then they can still refuse because they blocked that email hahahaha.

or my drinking friend, i can say “just DO ME A FAVOR, dont drink in front of me”, and then he will respect my wishes, and then say WELP i gotta go put some clothes in the dryer, be back in 2 minutes, chugalug chugalug, hahahahaha. but as long as hes not doing it in front of me thats better.

so she didnt want to do me that favor. because she blocked my email. well i dont know that though. the only thing i know she blocked was facebook.

note: never once did i stalk her or bombard her with messages or do anything commonly associated with blocking.

and usually its the dumped that blocks the dumper. and she was def the dumper and i was the dumped.


so if i send her an email from a new email then i can be sure she wont block it. i cant be sure she’ll READ it, in fact, she probably wont. she’ll see long emails from someone who’s clearly me and then delete them and block THAT email. and if she thinks im the bad guy, that wont change that at all.

and if she doesnt think im the bad guy? she might start to think im the bad guy. i mean creating a new email to send her an email she doesnt have immediately blocked is pretty DESPERATE.

but i Own My Desperation hahahaha. i was desperate because somebody i luved was separating from me and eventually abandoned me, and i didnt want them to. who among you has never been desperate when you were losing the one you loved hahahaha.

its sad and STUPID. i cant tell her how stupid shes being hahahaha. well she is entitled to her STUPID emotions that are a WRONG assessment of me.

so now im abusive because im caller her stupid. because i dont RESPECT her decision to throw me away like trash for something i didnt actually do, and she wont give me a chance to defend myself.

but remember i cant PROVE that she feels betrayed. i can just infer or deduce.

so i should take the easy way out myself and just pick the one thats easier for me to live with? or the one that by occams razor seems the most reasonable explanation? dont complicate or overthink it hahahaha.

also say she feels betrayed and sees me as a monster. i can still see that she is an ok person who just did a shitty think. i have a more nuanced and balanced fair and balanced view of her hahahaha whereas she wrongly sees me as a total monster.

but we dont know she thinks of me like that.

why do i care.

becuase you CARE what people you LOVE think of you!!!!!!

was it unreasonable of me to LOVE her? well KIND OF but also not really! it would be unreasonable of me to fall in luv with her after just a few weeks or month. but to Eventually Get Feelings after a Period of Friendhsip, no i dont think thats unreasonable. it doesnt make you a monster. but she thought i had the feelings all along. well i dont KNOW what she thought!!!!!!

but yeah 3 months later and i still wish i could convince her to Love me and change her mind.

well she didnt say yes, she didnt say MAYBE, she said NO.

well she didnt say ANYTHING! but if she meant MAYBE, she probably would have SAID “MAYBE.”

yeah this obvious message is a door slammed in your face, that means NO, it doesnt mean MAYBE.

but yeah i dont understand why she did it so damn hatefully. i didnt deserve to be treated like that. just tell me no, that a lot better. its amazing what a big difference the communication makes.

ok did a nice 4.5 miler.

shit. you gotta have a MASTERS DEGREE just to be a damn SECRETARY and make 15 DAH. 30 grand a year.

or you can work tech support call center hahahahahahhahahaha. fook id almost rather get a damn useless masters degree.

shit. so. i remember the good times and use them to ignore the bad times. she remembers only the bad times and uses them to forget the good times.

if she could remember the good times maybe she would want to be with me wawawawaw.

so thats why i wish i could contact her, to remind her of the good times. BUT she obviously doesnt want to talk to me or hear from me. i cant change her mind.  she used to be very sensible for a woman, i didnt expect her to be THIS emtionally retarded.

i mean yeah i guess ill get over this eventually but its gonna take SUCH A LONG TIME.

it TAKES such a long time because she was a very important person in my life and i had Very Deep Feelings for her.

so i was wrong for GETTING such deep feelings for her.

yeah a LITTLE bit.  i dont think it was wrong to get SOME feelings for somebody after you really got to know and trust them.

but to go for months and months continuing to fall deeper and deeper in luv, that was my mistake. make an effort not to luv them more than they luv you. i should have said at the BEGINNING of it all,


Uh Oh. i think im starting to get feelings for you. we need to discuss this NOW, because if we dont, its just gonna get worse and worse and destroy my life. so what do you think. could you ever like me too.

well for woman2012 i got feelings for her (a little too quickly) and the feelings continued for 3 fookng YEARS before she caught on and i told her.  and i did not go crazy and have a meltdown after 10 months hahahaha.

well that was partially because the stress level in my life was much much much much lower. my job was much less stressful. i was not so anxious, moreso just lazy and despairing.

so yeah i guess it CAN go on forever if you dont have a lot of stress in your life. but really i was not happy about wasting those 3 years. i would MUCH rather “waste” ten months than 3 years.

also i was much closer and friendlier with w15 than w12. so i probably had deeper feels/luv for w15 than w12. and i had pretty legit feels for w12!!!!

so uhhhhh lesson learned, if you have a LOT of stress in you life because of your stupid job, and now you are starting to stress out about your female friend who works at that job too……you will have a damn nervous breakdown after 10 months hahahahahahaha so blurt it out in the first 3 months.

it was two very stresful situations colliding!!! worlds collide! worlds of horrible anxious stress!

so yeah i was stupid for falling too deep in luv too fast. a SMALL CRUSH would have been acceptable. but to fall HARD in LUV was TOO MUCH.

and i was stupid for not telling her earlier.

but no i just bottled it up and got desperate. and i let myself continue to be anxious and desperate when i could have just blurted the shit out right then and there. becuase i was that much of a coward.

and she was a coward too. and yes she did overreact considering my “Crime.” GOD help me if i ever think she didnt overreact. i fight that feel every day. oh god it was all my fault, she didnt overreact, she treated me like i deserved for being a damn horrible coward and weirdo and horrible weak loser.




sheeeeeeeeeeeit. i just start having babies with women as soon as i turn 17 and the hormones start flooding. then when they have the babies i just say sheeeeeeeeeeeit dat aint mah keeeeeeid. and then never pay child support and never be a father and be like sheeeeit aint mah dam keeeid. then by the time i was 30 i would have 10 kids and wouldnt have to take care of them, and would have been a Winner at the Reporductive Game!

i would be so nervous at muh job that i couldnt even eat lunch. i would wait 6 hours, then try to eat lunch, then eat half of it at most. i wouldnt be able to eat until i had been at home for a few hours. and of course then its time for bed and you shouldnt eat a big meal right before bed, bceause then you wont be able to sleep.

i couldnt sleep anyway cuz i was worried about the next day of WORK. !!!!

so yeah. not being able to eat, not being able to sleep, and when i got home i would just read work shit furiously trying to study for a test i was unprepared for.

ITS LIKE THOSE DAMN DREAMS i used to have, used to be a pretty common dream for me, where i would be In College, then realize oh shit i havent gone to this class in MONTHS!!!!! then i go then there is a huge exam and i am not prepared at all.

the job was like having a huge exam every day and you not being prepared at all, but instead of workign on problems in silence, you have a caller hovering over you pressing you to fix it as fast as possible, because you’re suposed to know shit, thats your JOB.

so the only way you could try to prepare was to STUDY work shit when you got home, on a regular basis, for MONTHS, until you developed SOME confidence and SOME of the anxiety went away. but in the meantime not eating or sleeping well at all. and one of your big at work moral supports has turned against you and wont talk to you. not jsut moral support but the woman you wanted to Walk Down The Path of Life with for years to come.

is it really because All Women are Mercenaries? Not Loyal, untrustworthy, like muh Game Blogs say? that even the most pure virginal prude will give it up EASY for Alphas, yet make life a living hell for betas. so my low number low mileage perfect angel will give it up after 1 date with a charming alpha, same as any common tattooed gutter slut would.

so thats why you have several women, you cant keep them in line nearly as efficiently as they keep each other in line!

hehe. i wish you could just get women to take a POLYGRAPH. how many men have you had secs with? and how long did you know him when you first had secs? tell us about all the times you cheated, or did something that was shady and kinda like cheating. ever had secs with more than one guy in the space of a day? a week? a month? how loyal are you? are you still hung up on your first Real Boifran?

men value loyalty so much because thats how they know the baby is theirs. women could care less about loyalty because it just isnt RELEVANT to them. they can always find a new man, a better man. brachiating apes, making sure their hand is on a better branch, before letting go of the last.

but is it really true that women dont benefit from loyalty? i mean a loyal man will provide more resources right? make it easier to raise a keeid. so yeah why SHOULDNT women value loyalty?

well, they VALUE it but they dont respect it? they dont LOVE it? wtf?????

men are honest and straightforward enough to LOVE WHAT THEY VALUE. hahahaha. they dont leech off a resource like a greedy leech. or a suspender snapping oil sheikh sucking all the oil out of the well.

(i dont really think sheikhs wear suspenders)

but god damn can they buy a harem of 18 year old white qtz hahahahaha

so why dont OIL RICH islamic arab countries like saudi arabia, oman, bahrain, qatar, kuwait, and UAE take in poor syrian/iraqi migrants? saudi arabia is already pre-equipped with Temporary Tent Cities that they used to house 1 MILLION Pilgrims every year for the yearly mecca pilgrimage. not like super shitty tents either. but practically hotel rooms.

whoops getting political again, and i am not allowed to have a poltiical opinion, because i am a loser, and my hateful racist nationalist right wing political beliefs reflect/project that loserness in every way. they are not carefully considered rational political opinions. they are all based in womanly emotion about my loserness hahahahaha.

heh. joining the PEACE CORPS would have been a good career move for me, it always looks great on a resume and makes you hirable for a 15 DAH job better than serving in the military does. (which is a damn DISGRACE.)

but its not like its EASY to get into the peace corps. you have to make it your mission in life. passion. there are too many people trying to get in and very limited spots. also you cant be a hateful despairing nihilist and pass the interviews. its easier to get a damn JOB.

plus you have no control over where they send you.

oh believe me i thoguth about this at age 22, 23 as well, and i still had the same despairing nihilist mindset.

so i decided i might have a better shot with “americorps.”

i had a brief phone interview with a nonprofit director who was a total dick and he questioned my sincerity because i didnt have a big volunteering or activist background. if i really wanted to HELP people, why didnt i “just hop on a plane” and help hurricane katrina victims? because everyone who does this sort of work is usually privileged enough to just hop on a plane at every whim, otherwise they would be working a NORMAL JOB and not even looking at nonprofits.  so he was like youre basically not mature or developed enough for this americorp job hahahaha and that was humiliating. he was RIGHT but he was still a huge dick about it.

this was for a position in chicago and i picked it mainly because of that, because at that time, i thought chicago was the place to be. not sure why. its cold and full of faggot hipsters on one side and black thug gangs on the other. well because back then i was still a Leftist and i thought Saving Communities through Nonprofits was a Noble Idea.

soon after i got a ridiculous “job” with a local Nonprofit and saw how i did not fit in at all. i mean these were hardcore leftist activist marxists who work for noprofits, then spend their free time volunteering with even more marxist groups that are too political to even become a nonprofit. it was still better than my last Job but it was weird as fook.

i was still despairing and nihilistic back then, but i drank alot and i was still holding on to the last vestiges of muh leftism. but i would soon let go of that and be the better person for it hahahaha.

funny though i did essentially get approved for an americorps position…..BUT I TURNED IT DOWN!!!!! because i got nervous about moving out to Rural Oregon, funny enough, right near where that huge College Shooting happened in 2015.  so i kinda regret not doing that. because obviously nothign wrong with rural oregon, i mean come on thats SWEET. but at the time i was all about the big city. meeting young women essentially. horrible modern career women. come on. what an idiot. also, that plan didnt work out either!

well i cant say i turned down anything that was offered to me since then hahahaha. that was in late 2006. i would have been out of there long before the shooting hahaha.

continued to drink alot and think women were oppressed, thats why they were such huge disappointing sluts. they had a false consciousness and thought they were enjoying what was really oppression from the patriarchy hahahaha. i read feminist blogs and thought amanda marcotte was smart and brave hahahahaha. wow. well i THANK GOD i at least improved in one area of my life. also i stopped drinking.

so i quit leftism and quit drinking, but i was STILL filled with despair and could not get a job or a woman.

but i managed to stay away from drinking and leftism. shit it would be physically impossible for me to go back to leftism.

i began taking meds and seeing a shrink. to help directly address muh despair.

did it help? i guess a little, but certainly not a lot. i had to do that work muhself hahahaha.

i managed to get a shitty but easy fun job and took 76 credits of Moar College. i fell in luv with woman2012. i guess this might have been a relative high of muh life, around….2010, 2011.  that failed with woman 2012 in 2012. i met woman2015 almost at the exact same time as woman2012 rejected me, and we became friends quickly. i left the job to go to a horrible job in late 2013. i fell in luv with her in 2014. shit went horribly horribly wrong in 2015. and here i am now. hahahaha i wish i could have told her my life story. i mean i could but i didnt. maybe if she had known me better, she would have felt more luv and loyalty towards me.

so therefore its my fault right. because i didnt self disclose enough for her to really get to know me. therefore it was all my fault.

well i disclosed a little. she just needed me to give her moral support as she went through a tuff time wiht her bf hahahahahahahah. at that time i didnt care, i wanted her to fix shit with her bf. i think she wanted to fix shit with him. but he was just done.

remember i didnt get feelings for her until he was out of the picture. otherwise i would ahve said something way way way way before!!!!!!!!

when did i start getting weak and vulnerable? prob not till about jan or feb 2015. because bitches will leave you when they detect vulnerability from you, even though you stand by them when they are vulnerable. up to december 2014 so i was still RELATIVELy confident, so therefore should have expressed my feelings then.

and then the longer i bottled it up after that, the more vulernable and weak and pathetic i became, and the more respect she lost for me. which is not fair. she should have been like your my friend, i can see you are hurting, whats wrong, lets hang out and talk about it hahahahaha. and i woulda said okay. and then been like im in luv with u wawawawawawawawawawa

men love you in good times and bad. women might be nice to you in good times but will freeze up and abandon you during bad times. mercenaries! opportunists! fairweather! sellouts! betrayors! traitors! DAY OF THE ROPE!

i knew she was changing. she knew i was changing. i just didnt expect it to end like this, and it seemed to happen suddenly. it was that damn event.

ok so i should have gone up to her and said direclty, “do you CONSENT to me sitting with you during this event, or do you want me to go off by myself again and leave you alone?”

because thats the type of thing you ask someone youve been friends with for 2 years when you see them at an event!

well when they are giving you signs that they dont want you around, yes you do!

well i wanted to talk to her about why she was giving me those signs! rather than just say oh okay i guess ill go eat worms. fook.

see im doing it again. overanalyzing the situation to prove how i was to blame, and she was completely innocent.

because i didnt ask her consent to sit with her. come on.

also if she told me to leave i would have left. like she did when i visited her at work. i left and then apologized SORRY FOR BEING SO WEIRD god damn.

hahhaahaha i regret apologizing and groveling too much SORRY MY PRINCESS may i go prep your big black bull now. he can fook me in the ass before he fooks you in the ass.

i just assumed she fooked every guy she knew, like a slut. hahahaha. well i know she didnt. that was part of my vetting process. if she had a ton of guy friends i woulda been suspicious. but she didnt have many friends PERIOD. i thought that was kewl. she spent more time hanging out with her FAMILY than with her few friends, and when her friends became bad influences like being huge losers who did drugs or cheated or partied too much, she got away from that bad behavior. she ABANDONED them hahahahaha.

so was that a red flag for her abandoning me? because now i was a bad influence on her? even though i didnt do drugs or party or i was not nearly as dysfunctional and trashy as they were? white trash cheating on my long term partner, raging alcoholic, Pain Pill Popperz? none of that for me! my only flaws was i liked her, and i was weak and vulnerable and emo. well that was enough for her to cut me loose!

plus i am curious at how she feels about all this! i think part of her is hurt to lose someone she once thought of as a Good Friend and now that person isnt there any more. because she cut them loose. doesnt she MISS the good times and good connection? i wanted to know that. but i never will.

and i know if she feels a little guilty abotu it, she could possibly be prompted into apologizing? but she needs to be PUSHED? hehehehe i have pushed her enough havent i? yes. see you get temptations to contact them ALL THE TIME. but i know i shouldnt. because………the balls in her court. why should i beg for an apology? i begged for everything else and it didnt work. begging for an apology is even worse than when you are a kid and your family makes you apologize for something youre not really sorry for. although i would take that too hahahaha. like if her mom said, you shouldnt have done that, he was such a Good Guy, and you treated him horrible. now get in contact with him and apologize and hope he doesnt hate you too much to accept it!!!

went to the shrink. i actually like going to the shrink. when i can talk about this shit its better than writing about it. i dont even remember what the shrink says most of the time. i do 80% of the talking hahahaha.

uh am i supposed to write down the negative thoughts that come into my head. of course i mentioned dr david d burns md and his “feeling good” book as muh personal favorite. oh god bless dr david d burns md.

ok so look for Cognitive Distortions. such as All Women Are Like That hahahaha.

Distrotion: all or nothing thinking, disqualifying the positive.


dr david d burns favorite song is “never let go” by TOM WAITS? COME ON! would it be weird of me to have a platonic nongay marriage to this 80 year old man? hahahaha.


anyway. stuff like

all women will treat me as bad as she did!

well, really most women would treat me WORSE! she was already in the top 1% of women hahahaha.

see i answered one cognitive distortion WITH ANOTHER EVEN WORSE ONE!

so maybe shes in the top 2% and i wanna find someone in the top 1%.

if anything, that kind of behavior should DEMOTE her to the Bottom 50%!

the idea that muh life and path and journey is like a plane and now i know better about how to pilot it to avoid rough patches, like the shit i learned from this horrible experiences. namely communicate wtih the women and never hold back. if you get feelings tell them immediately before you start gettig too ATTACHED to them.

otherwise you will become Enmeshed with them Codependently.

say the words “we need to talk” and write them a letter if they refuse to hang out with you.

of course if they exhibit HUge Red Flags as you get to know them, like tattoos, kids, previous cheating, high mileage, lying, uhhh pump and dump son.

she had some red flags but i felt she overcame them. because she wasnt a huge whore. well that was good. she was a risk for being a huge whore because of “father issues.” but she was not a slut. and she was loyal to her other boifrans. was not super loyal to me though. cuz she didnt have feeligns for me. i guess i had no hint of how she would act with a Male Friend who fell in Luv with her. she didnt seem to have any male friends other than 1 gay guy so that was ok. like i say she wasnt super social extraverted like most normie sluts. and i liked that she wasnt.

there was one super dorky guy who liked her but they werent FRIENDS the way i was with her! so she just ignored him and never hung out with him hahahahaha. but i dont think she unfriended or blocked him!

she must have thought i betrayed the friendship by getting feelings for her. good thing i addressed that in an email and said nope i am not BETRAYING you, this just sorta happened and i just wanted to TALK about it rather than HIDE it, and you wont even meet me for ONE HOUR to have a private talk about it. what am i supposed to grab you on a 15 minute break from work and tell you then and hope no other people are around?

well it really doesnt take 15 minutes to say the most important stuff.

you go out with them on a 15 minute break, say hey can i talk to you in private for FIVE minutes, take them away from the group of people n break, say hey i have feelings for you, DONE. in under ONE minute. then return to the group hahahahaha.

then they can run away crying, never talk to you again, and tell everyone else what a piece of shit you are hahahaha.

i was not ABUSIVE. i was pushy, annoying, and desperate, but i was not ABUSIVE.

i have had friends annoy me but i have never had them be pushy or desperate to me.

well if i HAD, then i would see how RIGHT it was for me to Cut Them Loose without saying one god damn word to them right.

see how i keep standing up for HER, and not for myself? ashamed so much of my actions? i should be taking my own side! not being my own worst enemy. well, besides her of course hahahaha.

but yeah i think i would have wrote the person an email explaining please stay away from me, maybe you are in love with me, well im sorry but im not in love with you, lets have some time apart, youre not a bad person but please stop bothering me, im not gonna respond, im just gonna block your phone and email and facebook, i wont even see the stuff you send me, you have been notified. sorry to upset you. the end.”

and thats all folks! she could ahve done that much!



yeah she had this woe is me, im a poor victim mentality which probably wasnt good. makes white knights want to swoop in and help her and she can reject them and blame them because shes the defensive victim hahaha. but she honestly had horrible things happen in her life so it was kinda justified. but i dont think she was Raeped or Molested suprisingly enough, and that might have been the final straw for me, becuase girls that had been raeped/molested are often SO batshit crazy, and promiscuous, and she didnt have that. her family was good to her, there was just some people dying in tragic ways that she had a hard time gettnig over. but maybe it was healthy grief and she was just honoring their memories.

well i can think of someone else where she could have honored their memory for the good years had. hahahaha.

the same broken record its always gonna be.

why’d she do this?

because she wanted to be done and this was the easy way out. easier than having The Final Talk.

how could she do this to someone who was once her special friend? because she didnt see me as her special friend anymore. that was over. so therefore i wasnt gonna get any respect or mercy or kindness.

so what if that phase is over. respect what once was. i know shes still the same person i was friends with, then feel in luv with, then she became a royal B. but was still the same person, but people change, but they can still get back to their Good Old Selves cant they?

in other words this is where the unanswered questions come in. like yeah she can decide im no longer her friend, but i think she should have still recognized What We Had, and shown consideration for that when Ending The Rel. that that would have persuaded her to NOT take the easy way out, that that would have made the easy way out seem blatantly WRONG, whcih i think it was!!!!!

so thats why i am always harping on her “showing the relationship the respect it deserves” etc. so why didnt she? becuase she didnt like me that way, she was annoyed with me, and she wanted the easy way out.

yeah it just hurts hahahaha. feel the feelings. i thought she would be convinced to NOT take the easy way out, because even though things were bad now, she would remember how good they were in the past. did those times ever matter? i think they did. but…when did she forget them? i will never know. maybe she didnt forget them, but Easy Way Out is a TEMPTING, POWERFUL thing.

in a way i did the same thing, by just quitting muh job. i just shut down and couldnt do it any more. also things would have gotten ugly as fook. i do not deal with the Rejector well afterwards hahahaha.

shit. anyway. i guess i am angry that she didnt find out Friendship special enough to treat me like a human being, that this wouldnt outweigh easy way out. never underestimate easy way out though.

well, is she the type of person more likely to Run Away, or to Face Conflict Head On?

to ask the question is to answer it hahahaha.

so it really is consistent with her personality in a way.

its very disappointing tho.

but i dont need to come up with elaborate rationalizations to be disappointed, because…..

its very valid and reasonable to be very disappointed when someone you LOVE DUMPS you! period! and then even moreso when they dump you in a Bad way compared to a good way! the end!

hehehe i should have been a Geography Major hahahaha when i am angry and emotional i just look at google maps and geek out for 15 minutes at least.

so how can we work Engineering into that. Always try to work Engineering into your College Major choice hahaha.

Relationship Psychology Engineering.

“neuropsychology engineering”, engineering psych drugs, biomedical, etc would be good choices for my interest.

as far as the maps? geospatial engineering? civil engineering? yeah thats prob in a nearby ballpark.

but i have never been super interested in science or tech or engineering!

i look at the map and think well whats the history of this country, how did it get this border, what ethnic groups live here, who has controlled this area, is this place a shithole, etc.

or you learn shit, like the “west bank” area of “palestine” is HUGE, its practically as big as the “regular” part of israel, and famous cities like bethlehem and jericho are in the “west bank.” and it goes right the fook up to jerusalem, which is divided into east and west, and a lot of the super historical stuff like western wall, mount of olives, calvary etc are in a more “palestinian” than “jewish” part of jerusalem? why isnt there more terror attacks in jerusalem against the zionist oppressors hahahaha. you would think jerusalem would be a constant war zone right now as we speak.

or weird islands in the middle of the ocean like the azores. how far are the azores from bermuda. what is the most civilized first world country closet to the equator, becuase i want to live somewhere warm but not in a third world shithole, or the damn cannibal rainforest, or the arabian desert, or the african desert hahahahaha.

or places where three countries come together. for example, poland, czech, and germany. i mean 3 countries have a “TRIPOINT” in MANY places throughout the world, not a big deal really, but i still enjoy some of them.

or did you know indonesia was a member of OPEC until 2008 or so.

or the island of Borneo has Malaysia, brunei, and indonesia on it. a section of malaysia that is quite separated from “mainland” malaysia.

or why does libya have oil but egypt doesnt. or why are there no big cities in the sinai peninsula. is it because its a total fooking desert? and its stupid to have a big city in the desert?

or where is macau in relation to hong kong. or where does the philipines and japan begin.

or india is shaped REALLY weird on its eastern side.

or kazakhstan is so ridiculously big and how does it not have oil or some sort of natural resources.

or that the bering strait is not that big and there is an american island right in the middle of it that is only like 20 miles from russia so technically the us and russia are “neighbors.”

so yeah i have a genuine interest and curiousity in maps, one of my most normalfag qualities. wish i had realized this earlier and used it to make a career when i was young. although i always liked loking at the globe and maps when i was a small child. but we didnt have google maps and also i was too lazy to spend much time with the bigass world atlas books in the liberry.

wow i am watching the bbc world news channel and it is leftist as fook, even moreso than msnbc, but it makes me feel smart and informed more than any american news channel hahahaha. real smug asshole. cuz it talks about world news and i am interested in the whole world. but not in a global way hahahaha. i am anti-global. i am A NATIONALIST. we should close our damn borders and manufacture our own shit hahaha.

ANYWAY, i dont need to EXPLAIN why i am VERY UPSET about being dumped. it doesnt NEED that many mental gymnastics.

but its just AMAZING how LONG it takes to STOP LOVING the person. even though you KNOW its done, you KNOW they arent coming back, you KNOW they dont Luv you, you KNOW its stupid and can never be fixed. you still luv them and want them back. you still think about them ALL THE TIME even though you havent SEEN them or talked to them in MONTHS. you still love them more than some Rando. even thoguh you are done with them and havent seen them in months.

shit if i am still hung up on them and i havent seen them (her), how they hell could i work wth her 8 hours a day.


hahaha i should read return of kings more. i went back here to read matt forneys explosive girls with tattoos article


and its just filled with good reads about how slutty and stupid Almost All Women Are hahahahaha


” Face it: the vast majority of girls are as hollow as a drum. The three or four surplus IQ points that college-educated girls have are wasted on them, because all they’re used for is rationalizing a life of mindless consumption and sluttiness. If the modern West is a cesspool, girls are its most devoted coprophages, gulping down runny diarrhea by the bucketload with forced smiles on their faces. ”

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha i think i just fell in luv with matt forney


(not forney hahaha)

so i was begging to be treated like a human being and when i didnt get it, i worried about how it was all my fault, blaming myself? COME ON. dont be RIDICULOUS. this is treating her like an INFANT. of course many women are emotional infants, but they dont HAVE to be. HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE.

she could have chosen to be respectful to me.

oh it was because i didnt have good RELATIONSHIP GAME. because i started to show weakness and vulnerability. so, all my fault.

well fook you. i think a good woman will stand by her man when times are tough. i mean they DONT, but they should. because i am assuming women are LOYAL and TRUSTWORHTY like men are. but they jsut dont have it in them! they are MERCENARIES!

i figured out women will have babies with Bad Deadbeats even though the risk is so big, because Teenagers both men and women are horny as fook and that clouds their brain. an 18 year old girl or boy are both horny as hell and will fook deadbeats. and nature is priming humans to be horny as hell shortly after puberty, so they can REPRODUCE YOUNG. and when you are YOUNG, your hormones are RAGING and you cant think straight, especially for long term mates. you dont think straight  until age 25 but ideally by then the woman already has 5 kids!

so that sounds a bit r selected then?

bbbbut the woman needs a resource provider while she is pregnant all the time! so who does that? the husband? the husbands family? the wifes family? cuz theoretically the woman can fall back on her family to help if the father is a deadbeat. well this certainly is the case i think with many single mothers.

anyway i was just wondering how woman could be so easily fooled into having long term babies with short term men. because they are so damn horned up with the hormones of adolescence to understand the implications of being a woman and having babies. becuase essentially humans are optimized to start having children YOUNG, at like age 16 or 17. we have Old Brains that are not optimized to the modern world we live in.

so thats why women are so gullible and have babies with ANYONE. cuz Horny Hormones at age 17 make you do stupid things, unless you are damn physically restrained by your family.

so i tried thinking of the last time i was super annoyed by somebody, to try to image what my damn female ex friend was thinking. obviously an exercise in futility that hahahaha. most people that ANNOY me are just random strangers being obnoxious and stupid. not anyone who’s CLOSE to me like a friend.

the closest thing is a friend who annoys me in the sense that he consistently disappoints me with his stupid drinking. so i distance myself from him. but i always go hang out with him when he calls me. cuz i dont want to write him off entirely. i always give him another chance. then i visit him and he is drinking and its disappointing, annoying, frustrating. this guy is a Problem Drinker ok, not a social drinker drinking moderately. drinking will obviously Ruin His Life and everybody that cares abotu him wants him to stop drinking like an idiot.

also i am not in love with him hahahaha.

but he annoys me with this so i am distant from him. but i know deep down hes a good guy and that he could stop drinking if he wanted and we get along a lot better when he is not drinking.

i dont want to have a Serious Talk with him about his Drinking because it just wont help. but i am not giving him the Silent Treatment. when he calls me i answer and go hang out with him. just not as regularly as we once did. and i talk to him. and if he wanted to have a serious talk with me i would.

however i have tried to assert myself by saying “dont drink while I’m here. I cant control what you do when i’m not here, but just do me a god damn favor because i’m asking you, dont drink in front of ME.”

but he still finds other ways to annoy me and Push My Boundaries. like i have to blow into his damn car ignition lock because he was drinking before i came over. or buying booze to drink when i leave. come on.

but like i say. thats a different kind of relationship. i have know this guy for 15+ years, i am not in love with him, we have had our ups and downs.

well ok. what if he were begging me to please just hang out and communicate. i would say ok lets do that!

besides. ok so he is the symbol of me. but what he’s doing is a lot worse!!!! him throwing his damn life away on booze is a lot worse than me saying “please baby lets hang out and try to save our rel”.

so yeah in other words i SHOULDNT BE BLAMING MYSELF. AT ALL.

i wasnt perfect but guess what neither was she, she was WAY WORSE. 60 40. hahaha. more like 70 30. nobodys fooking perfect. and maybe women are terrible at loyalty , but i say bullshit. thats NO EXCUSE. i will not let women GET AWAY with that. well women are allowed to treat you like shit, just because women aren’t loyal. fook that shit. learn to be loyal bitch hahahaha.

bbbbut i deserved this, becuase in her mind, I had already betrayed and ended the friendship the moment i got feelings.

heh i addressed this point in an email to her which got no response.

it changes the relationship sure, but its not a BETRAYAL. you need to communicate about it. it doesnt make the person who got the feelings a bad person.

its amazing how much time and energy ive spent trying to convince myself that i didnt deserve this, that im not a horrible person.

well when someone you love treats you like a horrible person, you start to think youre a damn horrible person! but im not! what she did is a lot more horrible than anything i did! fook!

and i make EXCUSES FOR HER, and i make excuses as to why yes i AM a horrible person wholly to blame!

well i do that because i LOVE her and this is what LOVE makes you do. crazy, self-destructive shit. in a healthy rel, it becomes a somewhat more healthy sense of Being Willing To Make Sacrifices For The Person You Love. which can obviously be taken advantage of.

anyway yeah i am starting to think more logically, or at least i can see the logical continent ahead of me on the horizon as i gradually sail towards it. i know what the logical position is. namely, i didnt deserve this. i was wronged.

i need to beat this point into my thick skull. honestly its taken a very long time.

so i wasnt alpha enough and didnt play my relationship game well enough. she could have still been nicer, more gentle. when you DUMP someone, dump them gently. its just the right thing to do when you DUMP somebody.

bbbbbbut she never wanted to date , therefore she never ASKED to be in the position to DUMP me, therefore she doesnt have to be nice about it.

see how i refuse to take my own side? and always take hers?

that is again the love for her, and the lack of love for myself, and the Bad Boundaries. but love kind of muddies the boundaries anyway. i think that’s normal for love to do. kinda like how its NORMAL to put the p on a pedestal, thats kidna what luv IS.

but this is exactly why you confess the love EARLY, so the boundaries dont get too screwed up before you find out the other person doesnt love YOU.

so i would say its normal, right, and natural for LOVE to erode your boundaries, make you ptu the other person on a pedestal, make sacrifices for them, be loyal to them, etc etc.

this makes mutual luv VERY good, but it makes one sided luv VERY painful. but thats what makes luv powerful. makes it such a powerful connection. its not INHERENTLY bad. but it can often be bad if you, like me, get into stupid one sided unrequited luv situations. fook that shit.

thats why its better to blurt it out EARLY. it saves YOU a lot of pain. be selfish. love your self. spare yourself a LOT of pain!!!!




it has been like 87 or so days, surviving barely. starting t get over it. might be 25% over it by now. therefore, 360 days to be 100% not bad! i have been predicting anywhere from 11 months to 1 year to 20 months. i will take 1 year! thats not too bad for a Complete and Total Heartbreak! I was In True Luv and got my heart ripped out and slaughtered!!!!!

so yeah. she was exhibiting many of dr gottmans “four horsemen of the apocalypse”, which are stonewalling, contempt, criticism, and….defensiveness


anyway perhaps defensiveness is a prelude to stonewalling. make the other person the bad guy by just shutting down so them even wanting to talk to you seems like an invasive act of aggression. dont violate me bad man. i dont have to talk!

no you really dont, but it would be really NICE.

these women of today hahahaha. they never want to work things out, they never want to try, they just want to QUIT. that feels bad man, when a woman would rather QUIT on you than work on shit, because they know they’re Just Not Into You At All. theres nothing to fix. just walk away.

well in my case i was always dumped essentially because there was no real feelings.

also its stupid that you have to bang a woman FAST or youll never get to bang her at all, otherwise she will put you in the friendzone hahahaha. what if you dont like women who move fast, because you rightfully think they are Sluts? Decent Women dont give it up Fast. they understand they can get preggers. even if they are on the whorepill hahahahahaha. they forget to take the pill one day, go out have have secs that night with some random guy or one of the fuccboiz, and boom a wild babby appears hahahahaha better go get it taken care of.

do i REALLY KNOW any women like this though?

just like i have the fantasy Perfect Angel women, i have the fantasy Horrible Whore woman, this evil Semen Demon that is the Imaginary Worst Woman Ever. but its not a real person, its imaginary, and then i assume all women are like that, just because she wears too much makeup, or she dresses like a slut hahahaha.

so i look for women who dont wear a lot of makeup and who dont dress ike sluts hahaha.

anyway i had most of the Four Horsemen in muh rel with the woman. except for criticism really because she just didnt talk to me enough.

well what did i learn. always communicate with the woman early. learn how to say WE NEED TO TALK. write them an email or text if she is not talking and you HAVE to say something. think from the very beginning, could you ever bang this girl? date this gurl? even if you are “respectful” of her rel with her boifran. force yourself to forget about the boifran and just meditate on you and her. is there anything there? tell the woman the INSTANT you think there is. constantly talk openly about her rel with the bf and your rel with her. shit try to bang her as soon as possible, becuase if it doesnt happen SOON, it will NEVER happen, and what if you wanted to date her 2 years in the future and she wont give you a chance because you didnt bang her when you first met her and didnt trust her or know her hahahahahahahaha. because that the best time for a woman to play Russian Roullette with Human Life. with guys she barely knows or trusts. see how the LEFT has degraded our women? in addition to promoting this kind of “IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT” and “Consent is the only thing that matters” view of sex for women, the LEFT also DESTROYS the nuclear family by removing fathers, who are crucial in raising well raised children. otherwise you children raised by Slut Single Mothers, and the children turn out to be Sluts, Bitches, Psychos, Deadbeats, Losers, Degenerates, Thugs, Sissies, Neckbeards, Failures.


well i think about woman3/2005. the closest to a dating rel i ever had. she dumped me but i dont think i realized It Was Over, becuase i continued to talk to her on the phone. but i didnt really hang out with her as much. well, i saw her and we talked and i helped her with moving and shit, but we never hung out one on one at night, where we could Make Out or even more. because she had dumped me you see. but i think i was thinking, well we can still make out and shit, i just have to be ok that she might do this with other guys too. i convinced myself that i didnt care. and because she was superficially nice to me still, i thought There Was A CHance.

so what happened. after a few months of this ambivalence, i began getting more angry and frustrated. i would see her and get mad and jealous. cuz i would see her hanging out with her ex boifran. that made me get mad. then i was just angry and passive aggressive at her a lot. then somewhere in there i managed to make out with her a little more. for about a week i was very hopeful we’d “get back together.” but really i had just worn her down with my abusive manipulation and she had no choice hahahahahahahahahaha.

but then i was mad again when we stopped making out, and i still saw her, and the “Ex” boifran, and was constantly angry at her, she was my “nemesis,” etc.

this is why its good to say ITS OVER, 100% and then to STOP talking and hanging out and seeing each other. so the Dumped/Dumpee knows that its REALLY over.

thats why i got so damn mad at her. but i forgave her eventually. took at least a year or even two for me to understand and forgive though hahahaha.

but yeah thats what happens when you get dumped and then you have to deal with the dumper on a regular basis afterwards. it is hard as fook and you get angry and stupid. and you are still desperate to try to get them back. horrible way to be. and you look like the bad guy because you are so angry and hateful and you look like a damn abuser. at that time i was getting horribly drunk and wrecking muh future.

she was too scared just to tell me “ITS OVER”. and i hated her and thought she was the worst person in the world, horrible slut, etc. now i think she was way less horrible than woman2015. she actually had at least 2 talks with me, the second time to say yeah i didnt think you liked me so much and this was hurting you so much, essentially apologizing or at least giving a shred of sympathy, like im sorry youre hurting so much, i didnt realize you had such deep feelz. so that was kinda kewl. but then i continued to be a bitch and was really not the better person. it was like i wanted to punish her for ever toying with me. but i was clearly stuck in the past and she had clearly moved on. looking at it now i am really embarrassed. i know i got drunk and did some stupid shit. not abusive but just showed it was still butthurt. the alcohol did not help. and i was drinking too much.

anyway thank god i am not doing that now. but anyway i prob had stronger feelings for woman2015 than woman2005 (aka woman3) ! and i KNOW that having WORK around her after she had rejected me was a recipe for disaster. i would have been a mix of anger at her, and desperately trying to “win her back” in a pathetic, angry way, like i can live without uuuuuuu hahahaha. also the job made me anxious enough. constant anxiety. and she gave me constant anxiety.

alot of that is on me because not everything in the world should give me such bad anxiety. but believe me this job would give even an average normie SOME anxiety, and same with the woman situation.

i guess the good news is……..oh yeah. i cant exist in any sort of friendzone. or as a “beta orbiter.” as soon as i get feelings for a gurl, i have to not Bottle It Up, and declare my feelings, and make the woman respond to it somehow. usually (aka always hahahaha) rejecting the feelings and our “friendship” ending. well because i am honest and essentially say i dont wanna be Just Friends any more, i want to be More THan Friends. then they say no and i say ok then IM done. this one jsut had that happen in the worst messiest stupidest way.

but there is no friendzone and etneral orbiter for ME!


also ask yourself, is my female platonic friend attractive at all? how would i feel about fooking her? honestly. think abotu it for a couple weeks. what if she were single and available? basically….damn i hate to say force yourself to get feelings early! but maybe force yourself to get Secsual attraction early? this one is hard to describe.

all this assumes that you have met a decent woman who you get along with very well and now she is your friend and you were like wow that was easy, we really get along well, she is a really great person, too bad im not attracted to her, i hope she figures out stuff with her boifran.

then ask yourself: WHY are you not attracted to her? because of VALID reasons liek she’s fat or ugly or old or has kids? or for stupid ass autistic stupid INVALID reasons like “idk it feels weird” or she has a weird chin or a weird shaped head, but otherwise she is not ugly at all and is young, childless, nice skin, nice hair, etc.

what about STUMPY. or she has a very weird shaped Ass. well, i honestly dont like stumpy. weird shaped ass i can deal with a lot better than stumpy. woman2015 was the antithesis of stumpy, long arms and legs and that is kind my TYPE. her “weird shaped ass” was actually very NICE, but it was hard to tell what it looked like because she didnt wear SKIN TIGHT SLUT CLOTHES like most young women.

anyway. it sucks being so anxious at your job, getting your mind melted like taking a tuff exam all day every day, and THEN when you get home youre EXHAUSTED, but not TIRED, because your mind is RACING with half-thoughts and random weird shit popping in and out. you say this is fooking STUPID, and you are worried about the next day and the weird shit you’ll get then, so it actually relieves some anxiety to go to your work website and read cases, read knowledge base, read documentation, study the “textbook” and the “problems” so to speak. so you do that for 1-2 hours, perhaps while writing/journaling to Blow Off Steam, about how ridiculous the shit is, but you’ve got so much steam and so many racing thoughts that how the hell are you gonna relax and get to sleep?

smoking fooktons of MJ as soon as you get home is ideal, cuz then in a few hours you will relax and be able to sleep. but this isnt always doable. in fact only a minority of the time. because you dont know anyone who can get you MJ, or youre not gainfully employed enough to justify partaking MJ, or you dont have the privacy, etc.

its pretty likely that drinking a shit ton would help numb/clear your mind, but you would have to have at LEAST 5 drinks, at LEAST, and its hard to have 5 drinks without that turning into 8 or 10 or 12, and there is no way you could do the work with a HANGOVER the next day!

or that horrible feel when you wake up in the morning after shitty nonrestful manic sleep, and you think oh shit i couldnt have got more than 2 hours of sleep, i have no idea how i am gonna MAKE IT through today! but somehoe you do and by then youve been racking your brain again all day so you think well i could TRY going to bed right upon arriving home, neglect muh family, OR i could realize that i will lay there in bed with my mind racing abotu work ANYWAY, so i MIGHT AS WELL read the cases, read the knowledge base, try to KNOW EVERYTHING and be prepared for ANYTHING and STUDY MOAR. study for  1.5-2 hours until youve said IVE HAD ENOUGH!!!  and then i guess the idea then would be to either smoke MJ, get raging drunk, or go for a Huge JOG (no time for walk jog) until you are completely physically exhausted. 5 mile jog at least, i dunno. that would probably help.

i actually didnt hate the studying, it was easier for me to concentrate and retain information when i wasnt On A Call, Furiously Flailing to figure something out while the caller was on Hold and i was surrounded by Lost Souls doing the same thing. but to sit quietly at home, reading the shit, listening to some soothing music, no phones ringing, no people on hold, no case that needs to be solved right now, just trying to learn shit and put peices together, big picture and micro picture. sometimes with a nice MJ buzz going if i could get away with it. maybe exchanging some friendly nice texts with female friend and just gushing with feels especially when she gave me a 🙂 or especially the text heart ❤ which she did not give away like a whore spreading her cvnt, but once in a while, when i really touched her feels hahahaha. and then i would send a ❤ back and feel like we were Sharing True Love hahahahaha. i had a real hardon for those stupid hearts hahahaha.

well at that time i would get out 3 or 4 hours earlier than her and go home and study and she would still be there when it was a little bit slower, and i would text her while she was there and try to give her “moral support” which she was cutting off her moral support to me.  well not entirely. in fact i thought everything was consistent with the family stress she had, i thought that fully explained her distance, plus she still responded to my texts, she still used smileys and sometimes even the long sought after heart, so…..mixed messages galore hahahaha. it was weird. you could text me but you couldnt talk to me, and damn sure couldnt hang out with me.

now i can see the obvious answer is to TEXT HER “hey btw i think im starting to get feelings for u” and BOOM DONE.  but when you are under that much STRESS, you CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT. you lose your JUDGMENT. your ability to BE LOGICAL. i HATE that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your Cognitions are Emotionally COmpromised!

and this is a VERY difficult mindset with which to do a demanding, fast-paced, high stress, rock and a hard place, constant confusion, super overwhelming JOB.

i still have that unclear mind. still cant think quite straight. still very angry and disappointed and damn.

but yeah. women these days. they have such little respect for their men they would just rather WALK AWAY. like the “deadbeat dad” they might have had. just walk away from your responsibility because you dont want to make the effort to fix it. because youve convinced yourself it can’t be fixed, or you dont care if its fixed, you dont want it to be fixed, you just want to  be done with them. STUPID SHIT.

i still want her to “wake up” and damn email me. ya damn n199er hahahaha. i like this “the right stuff.biz” because they have FUN and have a sense of humor and are just a bunch of friendly young men instead of a bunch of bitter angry failure loser basement dweller men hahahaha. they have wives and gurlfrans and are successful normies, just the kind of people we need in the Movement. Racially Aware, Traditionalist, Far Right. No Enemies on the Right.

they had this podcast on soundcloud called “saturday night l’chaim” where the opening “skit” was a black slave escaping from his evil white “massa” who was whipping the slave and calling him a “damn n199er” as the slave begged for mercy saying “no mo massa, no mo!” this is my kind of humor and even reminded me of a short story i once wrote (2006?) only there it wasn’t slaves escaping the massa, it was Wage Slaves Working For A Living and lamenting how pathetic and sad their lives were, working 100 hours a week, making 1 cent an hour, having fat ugly cheating wives, being a lonely bachelor who hasnt been with a woman in 10 years, having to take care of dying relatives after coming home from a 20 hour shift, with no time for a 5 minute Smoke Break before the Boss Massa comes around looking to give them a whipping. i was on a job search and not having much success hahahaha.

i dunno. i think it is actually helpful to say YEP I WAS WRONGED. I WAS DONE WRONG. THAT WAS NOT FAIR TO ME. because thats a way of REjecting the False Belief of: I Was Entirely To Blame. This Is All My Fault. I MADE her Do this. Im the Bad guy.

because it recognizes that i am not the bad guy, and that she did have some damn agency and responsibility and could have treated me better! damn right!!!!!

heh. i would LUV to have a female fook buddy right now, it would totally help get my mind off her, make me feel liek a virile desirable masculine man. and its a lot easier for women to find fook buddies than men, for reasons that should NEVER have to be explained to ANYBODY. but i think this allows women to get over Breakups easier, cuz they are out slutting it up with casual secs with their fook buddies, and this helps them “Get their groove back.” average beta men do not have this luxury, so they wither away in the dead world of No Confidence and Self Pity.

come early and stay late at your job and suck off people who are on YOUR LEVEL to give you training on how to do your incredibly, mind bogglingly complicated confusing job. be like thank you massa, please massa, i will buy you lunch and dinner and starbucks and tim hortonz for training me with this wisdom. and they might say no you dont need to do that, just stop supplicating like a damn beggar hahahaha.

the other thought i had was to have a stash of quarters and then whenever someone gives you advice or answers a question, give them a quarter. kinda like people who offer you a quarter for a cigarette. well 2 quarters would be better for a cig hahahaha. or give the people who help you a cig.

or krispy kreme donuts. every week bring in at least 1 box of krispy kreme donuts, put them in the kitchen or wherever, and leave a big note saying “have a great day everyone! from [YOUR NAME]”

basically just BRIBING people SHAMELESSLY to NOT treat you like a piece of shit.

this is what you have to do to make it in the world.

note: that will not work with women, because they will RIGHTLY see you as a Supplicating Beta.

So i guess you could try the Alpha Approach at WORK, as well as with Women. not sure how to do that at all hahahaha. i usually try to throw in some kind of signal to “prove i’m not stupid” ie i’ve tried this and it didnt work, and i THINK the answer is related to xyz, but im just not familiar enough with this system to know, is there any advice to point me in the right direction so i can save some time, therefore saving the company money and making our Clients Happy? thank you in advance and help yourself to a donut in the break room.”

and buy 10 boxes of donuts a day. hahahaha.

no really you can build a lot of goodwill with a box of donuts or a $5 pizza. people LOVE FREE FOOD. or coffee.

so yeah bring in free food until everybody likes you. and if they think youre a SUCK UP or a KISS ASS, SO WHAT. better to be a KISS ASS and liked by the higher ups, cuz then they will be less of bitches to you than the people who dont kiss ass. you kiss ass so you can get preferential treatment for yourself.

but maybe what people dont like is when you are OBVIOUSLY kissing ass and dont REALLY like anyone. and sometimes i was a little OBVIOUS about my ass kissing.  well because i was scared and anxious too. desperate to people please. shit.

ok got in another 4.2 miler.  listening to the damn matt forney podcast, not bad. he talks too fast but hes pretty funny and his topics are always good. i am still trying to connect him to the ferdinand bardamu from years ago. (yes i realize what the reference is to). i figured ferdinand would be a little older than me, but it turns out forney is a little younger than me, so naturally that doesnt make me feel good, this “young” man doing more with his life. but he is a good writer, a good talker, and deserves to make a living off what he does. being a writer and talker and personality. plus i like that he does a lot of interviews and sees the big picture.

in a way i have been “around” the “manosphere” since 2008, 2007ish, before there was a big picture. i was drawn to Game and Truth About Women blogs because i was insecure about rejected and dumped all the time hahahah. how could i make women be actually attracted to me and stop damn dumping me. have them see me as somebody they wanted to be with. keep a damn woman around for more than a few months hahahaha. so yeah the reason was because i was a needy beta obviously.

but i could make friends with women!

well, so can millions of beta orbiters. really i am just graduating from v9k to r9k with that one. graduated from kissless virgin to friendzoned beta orbiter and can occasionally get short term secs with crazy sluts. fatherless, bipolar, borderline, single mothers, tattoos, piercings, waitresses, postwall, high mileage. not the type of woman you want to marry or even date. although if they are crazy, young, no kids, no tattoos, middle class, then the crazy wont be enough to scare you away hahahaha. i ran into that problem. but i dont think at this age, with my lack of potential, i’ll run into it again! that if i manage to pull some crazy gurls, they will have a few other significant strikes against them, see above.

matt forney spoke in a podcast about hate mail he got for an article he wrote about “5 reasons women with tattoos or piercings are Broken Women” which was one of his most hated articles, hahaha. anyway he got a shitload of hate mail from pro-tattoo women who called him a small dicked basement dwellling neckbeard loser woman hater who obviously was butthurt abotu being dumped by a gurl with tattoos.

and then i thought…..SO WHAT? so what if he was dumped by a crazy gurl with tattoos? doesnt he have the right to be angry about that?

well sure he does!

does he have the right to write about it?

probably yes. maybe make the person anonymous and say he’s writing about one particular person and that Not All Tattooed Women Are Like That.

but thats the thing about Not all women are like that, is that this is the exception not the rule! most women ARE like that! or they can be easily swayed into becoming liek That! of course most tattooed women are like that!

so muh female friend was not a slut, but she was an Abandoner and a coward and even more Emotionally Retarded than I am!!!! which is saying a lot. cuz i let my negative emotions get out of control and allow them to Derail muh whole life. but i know how to have Empathy and Sympathy for others.

but its hard to have absolute empathy. possibly she has no idea how MUCH i was hurt, so she doesnt feel that bad, if at all. heh. well if i didnt feel HORRIBLE, i wouldnt have quit muh damn job. but i wanted to quit muh job ANYWAY hahahaha.

also its a LOT EASIER to just Throw Someone Away like garbage when you dont have Luving Feelings for them.

its a lot easier to throw away a friend rather than a lover.

and i wasnt much of a friend anymore in her book. she was already detaching from me for a long time. the “friendship” was on its last leg. plus she didnt really like me any more, she was annoyed thoroughly at me.

so….thats why it was so EASY for her to throw me away, and why she didnt feel too bad/guilty about it. she didnt even LIKE me. she was annoyed and angry and contemptuous about me. she just wanted to WASH HER HANDS of me.

but i was in LOVE with her, so being thrown away HURT 90000000000000 times more!

for her it wasnt even like “throwing away”, it was kinda like cringingly scooping up a dead disgusting centipede off the floor and flushing it down the toilet.

well, in other words, she didnt think she was “throwing me away.” it was more like sweeping away dead skin or dust or hairballs off the floor, rather than Selling Out A Special Person.

She was special to ME, I was not special to her. so its not a big deal for her to turn her back on me. but since i was in LOVE with her, it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING to me!!!!!!!

it all makes perfect sense now hahahaha.

but yeah it was shocking becuase i thought i was just a little bit more special to her than THAT. I thought she still had SOME regard for me. some respect for what we once had. maybe she did, but she sure didnt act like it, and she’ll never talk to me about it, so i will never know.

but yeah. if it would have been too hurtful to HER to throw me away, she simply wouldnt have done it! it would have been less painful to talk to me! but as it was, it was more painful to talk to me than to “throw me away.”

i call it throwing me away. she called it something that she just had to do because she couldnt handle me anymore.

well you can see how that makes me feel like a million bucks. people just cant take me anymore so they cut off all contact forever. great. really makes me feel good about myself hahahaha.

so yeah she knew i was kinda Sensitive and this would hurt me! so just talk to me!

but that was too hard. easy way out remember? ive done it myself. i kinda did it by quitting the job.

not that this is easy! but it is probably easier than staying at that shit job, and seeing her for 8 or even 4 hours a day.

i am just a little butthurt though because the job was finally starting to become slightly less shit. because i was off of inbound phones thank god, and i was starting to earn respect from the faggot higherups because i actually knew the super confusing shit that i fought so hard to understand. with no help from the level 2’s. WELL except 1 or two of them who were not dicks to me. that was part of the Company Culture. Level 2’s were Dicks to Level 1’s, becuase level 1s did not learn super confusing shit fast enough. and they were butthurt they had to help us. so they gave us shitty help and were very stubborn to escalate shit we obviously couldnt handle. just constant fookin ball busting. giving bullshit answers we could never tell the caller. we wanted to say well YOU come here and talk to them asshole, but they would just laugh. they didnt have to talk to anyone.

WELL, some of the level 2’s did, them i didnt hate as much.

but increasingly they were pulling level 1’s into that job. instead of promoting them. there were no promotions ever. i never saw anyone get promoted at least.

well sorry thats a lie. i saw ONE person get promoted. pretty notably. shot up from level 1 to level 3. it was pretty controversial. good guy but why not promote a level 2 who had been there longer? because that doesnt matter. and this was the one and only promotion i had ever seen of anybody in 12 months of being there.

there was a lot of Couples at the place. i mean there are a lot of people in this world desperate for a job and this place hires a bunch of people every year cuz high turnover, so somebody gets in, then they refer their bf or gf in soon after, cuz we all need shitty jobs. i think this is a good thing cuz they can give each other moral support on the job, and they can Quiz and Study and Talk about Job Knowledge while they are off the job. talking abotu the job is a valid way to learn the crazy material, but if you dont hang out with anybody from the job outside of the job, then you dont do this.

and what better way of hanging out with somebody from the job than to be dating them and making secs tapes with them and cheating on them hahahaha.

point is, its gonna help you know the material better to talk with somebody about it, outside of work, for even an hour, on a regular basis. like a STUDY GROUP.

also they can help you on the job and be less likely to be bitchy at you for asking questions, becuase they supposedly luv you.

so maybe i am a narcissist with terrible boundaries. thats why i am so mad when she stopped giving me my “narcissistic supply”  meaning stopped obeying and complying with me. so then i lose my shit when they rebel against my control and manipulation.

well my Rational Response to that Automatic Negative Thought (see dr david d burns, md, “feeling good”, one of muh despair heroes) is….cuz im trying to convince myself that im NOT an evil narcissist! is

i was not trying to manipulate her, i just wanted to talk to her

i didnt KNOW she wanted to throw me away

i had a RIGHT to discuss being thrown away

talking to me would be the mature thing to do if she wanted to end the rel

though i did kinda have boundary issues, namely, i wanted to FUSE with her, and i would let her walk all over me and bust my balls, without standing up for myself and saying this isn’t right, this is not ok, lets talk about this, or else im gonna let YOU go.

i will work on muh boundary issues.

i am pretty selfish and self centered but i am probably not a NARCISSIST. even if having a blog where you talk about your life like its SO IMPORTANT is kinda narcissistic.

heh well its important to ME mother fooker. also i DO want to help others. i am just having a horrible time right now. i am in a LOW here the likes of which i have not been in since….2008 or so. 2009. well before this blog even began. i was doing GOOD then. when i am doing well then i can speak to the losers better. but right now i am in the DEPTHS of my own loserness. shit has gotten REAL.

looking at the map again, the capital of lichtenstein is vaduz. hahaha. i would have been a good traveler during muh 20s hahahahaha.

i wish i grew up in europe hahahaha. it is easier for you to be normie and non autistic and get pretty young gurls there. even the most beta male in like romania or hungary or switzerland gets a pretty young gurl hahaha.  sure keep telling yourself that.

see your mind automatically goes to the worst of all worlds. i am not a kissless virgin because i am just am not. i kissed a gurl and had secs with one 10 years ago hahahaha. i am not eternally friendzone becuase when i get feelings i TELL the gurls. and then we are no longer friends hahaha so QED no friendzone. the real problems are the huge secsy dry spell, and basically gurls rejecting me for being more than friends. but i refuse to be trapped in the friendzone. indeed, what i have done recently could be described as BREAKING OUT OF THE FRIENDZONE. well to be accurate, she wasnt really friendzoning me either. she was just praying that that signals i was sending were not true, and backing away slowly. she didnt really want to pretend to be just friends either. she wouldnt even hang out with me. that IMHO is friendzoning, when the gurl knows you like her, and youre too much of a pussy to tell her, AND she still hangs out wiht you and doesnt feel weird about it cuz she doesnt really care that you like her.