one day at a time babay.

no weird dreams, i might have woke up at 5 or 6 am though, prob not too big of a deal. this 60% of a nyquil dose is great idea.

10 Valuable Lessons I’ve Learned From My Mistakes

the most important thing i learned was, commuicate clearly and directly,

you can only be responsible for 50% of a relationship. but you can do 100% of your 50%! meh i did at least 90% of my 50%. she did like 0 hahahahahah.

but i cant have this happen again.

if you ever avoid talking about something…..dont avoid it. doesnt mean you have to be mean or autistic. you can say anything in a gentle caring loving way.

be aware of your own boundaries and talk to the person immediately by saying “i get hurt when you avoid me, i feel unwanted and unloved and like you dont like me any more. can you please try to stop doing this? are my feeeelings important enough for you to try not hurt them? i know you dont mean to hurt them. but it would make me feel a lot better if you didnt avoid me so much and we could hang out sometime. by the way theres something i need to tell you, i am in luv with you hahaha”

went to shrink today hahahah should write the shit down.

they said the thing that i am only in cntrol of 50% of the relationship, the other 50 belongs to her. so unless i am beating and raping her, it takes two to ruin a rel.

i pretty much did the best i could at the time. i truly did!  except it was cowardly and too emtoional and stupid. i did the best i could considering fairly big emotional and cognitive Compromises!!!!

its just sad that i could think she was SO RIGHT for me, but she thought i was SO WRONG for her.

and then you want to change yourself to what they want. i would probably have to get taller, and more distant, not like her as much, look like i have Options, be less desperate hahahaha.

be more masculine!

by being short and kind of a NiceGuy, i have a handicap in my masculinity. so to be Moar Masculine I usually grow a Beard and use Masculine body language, like Manspreading. hahahaha. when talking around women i try to Fookin Curse Moar and Spit on the Ground and Manspread and Mansplain and Grab Muh Dick and not use Big Werds and not talk like a fag. basically just talk like lower working class trailer trash white trash. actually talk like a black ghetto thug if you can, white gurls like that hahahaha.

bbbbbut she was the perfect match for me? how could i be such a shitty match for her?

she surpassed my standards! i fell short of her standards!

she was more than good enough for me! i was not good enough for her!


4.2 miles later

listening to “TEDx talks” on “heartbreak” and they are all by middle class careergurls who have had 10000 abortions and taken 10000 cox. great one with a female phd talking abotu the benefits of casual sex. i would like to have casual sex with her hahahaha i never banged an actual phd. anyway you KNOW she likes the casual cok (note the high testosterone Manjaw). and i would give it to her. but the awful degenerate poison she spews!

but she had one good point, that everybody treats secs differently, and some people handle Casual Sex better than others, and some people just arent cut out for it. well thats prob me and i reallllllly want a female friend who is the same way.

Break-Ups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken _ Gary Lewandowski _ TEDxNavesin

the best one was a man psych phd blablajewski or something but i found his talk kinda weird, like “its never as bad as you imagine it will be, even in the worst cases” well i agree to disagree man. its even WORSE hahahaha.

but he said something that made me think, that everybody dreads to hear “WE NEED TO TALK” cuz it means that shit is about to get bad. you are abotu to get dumped. it means the rel is shitty and they are gonna dump you.

i was about to be the one saying “WE NEED TO TALK” because i wanted to SAVE the rel from its obvious problems. then I GOT dumped hahahaha. i guess normally you say we need to talk when you are about to dump the person.

well really it just means the rel is near the end and someone is about to get dumped. USUALLY the one who hears those words but in my case, i was essentially the person who wanted to say those words, but got dumped first.

i got dumped because i wasnt good enough! what does she want? probably some casual cox right now, she doesnt want a serious rel with anyone, so of COURSE the ONLY alternative is CASUAL COX. GOD FORBID you just be Alone and Abstinent for a while!!!!! always gotta have a dick in you at ALL TIMES. god damn. fooking WOMEN. such WHORES hahahahaha.

anyway never watch a woman giving a tedx talk cuz that will give you a negative opinion of women. god i HOPE not all women are like that. annoying, arrogant, excruciating know it alls who know nothing and seem like fookin aliens. they have no wisdom to impart and they cant give comfort. i would not expect the wisdom but i thought the comfort was supposed to be their special skill.

welp i wanted my female friend to give me comfort and i saw a Side of that in the beginning, that showed she was capable of comforting, and it would have been very nice to get more of that. she just closed that away from me because i wasnt right for her hahahahaha.

i just dont trust any woman who gives a tedx talk on Secs. hahahaha. no i am not “intimidated by female sexuality.” well, its like a PANDORAS BOX that shouldnt be opened because its so DESTRUCTIVE, so yeah that destructiveness i find pretty intimidating. but also i am DISGUSTED when they go around being sluts.


wawawaw she was good enough for me but i wasnt good enough for her, therefore i am to blame for the ending of the rel. she dumped me, because i pushed her, because i was pushy, AND i just wasnt up to her standards.

because i was/am a huge old short fat bald unambitious unmotivated uninspired LOSER. hehehehe.

see how the Negative Thoughts are SO pervasive?

at this point, its BETTER to thing UNREALISTIC, even DELUDED thoughts, so long as they are POSITIVE!

well, i would stay away from thoughts like “She will come back to me and be in luv with me”

but rather i mean stuff like “no i am not really a loser because i am a nice guy” hahahaha

what else did the shrink say yesterday. besides the fact that i cannot control 100% of a Rel, only 50%, there was the idea that she had no benefit or payoff to talk to me, because she had nothing to gain out of it, she didnt want to Date me, she didnt need an Answer, she didnt need closure or certainty.  to which the shrink responded there is the Golden Rule and people might want to treat people the way they want to be treated, even if it means an awkward difficult conversation, you do it because you know its the right thing, and you would have liked the difficult conversation if you were in the other persons shoes. like me. i knew the conversation would be difficult and rough but you still want it because you need to know.

GOLDEN RULE BABY. GOLDEN RULE.  i cant believe i had forgotten all about the GOLDEN RULE.

so did i treat HER with the golden rule? treat HER like I would like to be treated in the same situation?

also controlling. i am a classic Controller, i want to be in control of the Whole Relationship. right now its the Sad Bastard, self destructive, only hurts me kind of control, where i feel i should be responsible for things that i could not possibly control, ie, i should have not forced her to dump me, its all my fault, im all to blame, i caused this.

but ostensibly it could become other kinds of control, like i dont want you going out and fooking your guy friends and hanging out with your exes all the time hahahahahahaha. heaven forfend. god forbid a woman be gently requested to please not hang out with her exes all the time because it offends muh sensitive boundaries!!!!!

and then there is more bad kinds of control obviously hahahaha where you want to know what the woman is doing at every single moment cuz you think she is cheating on you. because she probably is or is thinking about it hahahahahahaha.

and then you say oh no, im not controlling, i know it can just ruin a rel to be overly jealous, and if you wanna cheat, youre gonna find a way to cheat, and nothing i can do will stop you!

and then they cheat and tell you its because you were protective enough of them and they wanted you to be jealous and get mad about them seeing other people, and then they would have stayed. well thats bullshit, you dont want to be with such a person……but sometimes you just fall in luv with the wrong person and dont realize how wrong they are until its way too late and you are all in and fully in luv with them, and heartborken. cuz you went ahead and fell in luv too fast without discussing it with them right at the very beginning.

if you have a positive rel with a woman for more than a few months, thats a damn miracle, and its definitely a risk you will fall in luv with her someday, esp if she is single or dating some dbag right after a long term rel.

so come up with some hard hitting questions that both of you can answer, both of you Do The Worksheet, and if she says idk lol y so srs to every one while you give thoughtful serious actual answers, time to make a few last secs tapes, and gtfo hahahaha lol idk.

what do you want from this relationship?

how do you view me?

how do you view this rel?

do you have deeper feelings for me?

could you have deeper feelings for me? high medium or low chance of that?

are you getting over someone else right now?

are you actually dating other people right now? how many? how serious? tell me about each.

do you want to keep you options open?

would you want a longterm or monog rel with me?

am i crossing any of yur boundaries?

do you want me to be a part of your future? could i be longterm for you?

could you see yourself getting Serious about me?

what if i were to be serious about you?

what do you think about One Sided relationships?

what do you think about Communication? what is the best way to communicate with you?

do you try to communicate about problems or do you just Avoid Difficult But Necessary talks?

why did your previous rels end?

were you the dumper or the dumpee?

have you ever been totally heartbroken? tell me about that.

how mature are you in communicating about Feelings and Boundaries and Problems and ELephants?

and then both persons answer these same questions and share them with each other. maybe even writing long emails and then having long talks about the long emails.

and then bitches will balk and say wtf are these questions creeper weirdo stalker. it feels rapey. what are you in love with me weirdo. why so serious. we’ve only been fooking for 3 months. why all this now.

then mansplain to her that all fooking, even casual fooking, produces Sciencey Bill Nye Neurotransmitters via Atheistic Smartypants Progressive Sciencey Liberal Open Minded Forward Thinking Lean Forward Lean In Women in STEM Science Masterz Degreez Careerz Evolution, and these Chemicals cause you to start to get Feelings, and you don’t believe feelings are inherently bad, because you are a mature adult that knows how to communicate about feelings. and if you’re not mature enough to communicate, maybe you will spend more time with your other casual sex ladyfriends who are more Communicatively Mature.

and then she will say fine go ahead, i will spend more time with my other casual sex fuccbois who are Real Men and arent always talking about feelings like a sissy pussy!

then you fook her HARD and never talk about feelings or communication again and hope she hasnt called your bluff because you dont have any other casual sex gurlfranz hahahaha.

its not beta males that are having casual hookup sex. they might get a woman to hook up with them once or twice during college if theyre lucky, and then fall in luv with the woman, who then says OH. i am just used to Hookups. i didnt know you were one of those kinds of guys who Gets Feelings. UGH. I have a career to work on. Career and Status and Career Achievements and Fun are Good, Committed Longterm Relationships are Bad. UGH.

the modern young (under 30) woman believes that longterm rels are BAD, short term rels are GOOD. doesnt that seem a little nihilistic or at least pessimistic? like a revolving door of people/cox? isnt that a bit dehumanizing? basically saying people arent worth getting to know for years at a time? i disagree heartily! i say that long term rels are, on the whole, superior/better than short term rels!

in terms of like friends and shit. you dont become FRIENDS with somebody with the intention of doing it for the short term only, then throw them away once theyve reached their expiration date! you expect MEDIUM TERM at least! until one day you grow apart mutually. no hard feelings. not hard feelings because you were thrown away like expired milk.

in a way she gave me an ULTIMATUM. well it wasnt a clearly defined ultimatum, it was more like, im gonna end this 2 year relationship right now by never talking to you again hahaha.

what would i have done if the roles were reversed?

well i wouldnt be chomping at the bit to have the conversation, but i would write a short email like woman5/7 did to me hahahah saying sorry but i just dont have these feelings in return. i would look up a Gentle Rejection Template letter on Google.

but certainly the thought of me liking her disgusted her so much she didnt want to talk about it, think about it, acknowledge it. just wash her hands of the shit.

yeah i can understand why she did what she did. because she was too damn chickenshit coward to end the rel like a Grown Ass Woman hahahaha.  i am angry at her for treating me badly but I Forgive Her. Dear God let me let go of this anger!

but yeah the invasive thoughts of her fooking random dudes, those thoughts are rough. cuz its GONNA happen. it is inevitable. and they will go about it so casually while it would have Changed Muh Life and  been truly a Symbol Of Muh Luv 4 Her, to share this intimate and special and sacred thing, that shes just gonna give away to a bunch of swarthy baboons who will take pictures of it and not appreciate it nearly as much as I would! treat the luv of muh life like a Meat Hole! and she will LUV it! because casual sex is FUN and EXCITING and ADventurous, and the benefits outweigh the costs!

yeah well i say, how much MAture Adult Communicaiton is being had about these hookups, to determine that. especially when Binge Drinking, more then 4 or 5 drinks are being had. and then these harpies break poow widdle betas hearts hahahahaha.

wow buzzfeed is even WORSE that thought catalog with the women hamstering, they have even less of a sense of humor and are just awful. god i hope all women arent like this. wawawawawawawaw SHE wasnt like this!!! she was nice and kind and warm!!!

until the last months when she was cold and bitchy and awful. we had a good rel that became a Terrible Shell of a Rel just because we didnt Talk about our problems, and in the end, it was better for one person to End The Rel rather than talk about them. because it only takes one to end it!

the other thing was i didnt really know when i was crossing her boundaries sometimes, and so everything seemed real sudden. like at The Final Event, where i met up with her and it was Super Awkward. I expected a little awkwardness, but this was just a scary, horrifying awful level of awkwardness, that i was trying my best to make things kewl, but….. like the vibes were so so so so bad, worse than anything i ever expected. i honestly didnt think it was THAT bad. but it was.

i had asked her if she wanted to go there together but she avoided that. in the past there would have been NO QUESTION, we would have gone there together, no question, to not go there together would be stupid and weird. and so that was kinda the mindset i was under, or wanted to be under!

so i just thought oh well, we both have a vested interest in going to this event, i mean i would have gone to this event even if she were not there, it was a concert of one of my favorite musicians who i had never seen before and who was on muh bucket list. of course i was gonna go.

i told her i was gonna go and she said “oh cool its cool that you got tickets” or something like that. NOTHING to the extent of “ok fine, but please dont try to meet up with me when we are there, that would be crossing a boundary for me.”

if she said that, i would certainly respect her boundary but also try to have a talk about the reasons for that boundary.

but nooooooo.

also i did kind of respect her boundary, when she Snapped at me, i was shocked, and kinda wanted an apology, and i wrote to her saying i apologize for being weird, i am just under a lot of stress and i am worried about our relationship, but i dont want to bug you, but i really miss you. and then i honestly did stop visiting her in person as much at the job.

i would usually visit her almost every day for a few minutes just to say hi and small talk and goodbye. i mean i was upset that i couldn’t even do THAT, and was now banished to the zone of i couldn’t visit her, i could only chat with her. and i think even that was crossing a boundary for her. i was crossing her boundary by EVEN TALKING to her. hahahaha so i was the bad guy by not respecting that boundary, by not accepting it and saying ok i just wont talk to you.

bullshit! there is times when you have to do some explaining on your boundaries. boundaries are when another person hurts your feelings. but it hurt MY feelings just to have her essentially want to PULL THE PLUG on the rel like that. dont talk to me, i want to end this, and if you want to talk to me about this, then IM the bad guy?!?!?!?!?!?!

ok i accept that rels can be ended by one person. but that one person still has the RESPONSIBILITY to have a Meeting or a Talk or a Letter where they pubicly and clearly declare they want out, and let the other person, who DOESNT want out, whose getting dumped on and heartbroken, to speak their mind, and say, goddamn this sucks, thanks for asking ME, my heart is now BROKEN hahahahaha.

DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES of your decision to end the rel. you want to end the rel, fine, but deal with the fact that the other person is not gonna be too happy.

It would be DIFFERENT if it were “JUST SEX” for 3 months. but it was MUCH MORE than that. we had 2 YEARS and for a good while we were both on the same page and liked and respected each other. that is MUCH more that some casual fook buddies have. i simply dont believe i DESERVED to lose respect in her eyes. so i got feelings. big fookin deal. try to deal with the feelings just like i was! be a friend! talk to me! dont lose respect for me and treat me like shit!