ok did a 4.2 miler.

shit. after this maybe i could have casual sex. like if some slut came up to me right now and said bangme id say ok, but it is physically impossible for me to get feelings with you. even if you the greatest most luvable woman in the world. wouldnt matter. its gonna take me at least a year to have feelings for ANYBODY. i still want her and only her. she was a big deal to me. i cant notice anything else. i would just be using you as fook meat to get over her. i am completely emotionally UNAVAILABLE and will be for a WHILE.

and then the gurl would say fine me too what you thought i had feelings for you lol we are just having secs, dont you know, its 2015 now, whenever you first have secs with a new partner of COURSE theres no feelings, NO FEELINGS IS ASSUMED! doncha know that feelings only come after like 6 months of banging……if ever, and they probably dont happen at all! so just chut up and bangme! and then i would. and make vidyas of it too.

ok. so you are supposed to remember the bad times, not the good times. if the good times lasted, then you would still be in the rel. if they still luved you. if they wanted to work it out. they would still be with you.

of course she never really luved me! god damn it will be ruff when i have a Real Actual Relship that ends where i have the First Major Longterm Monogamous Rel, complete with dating and cuddling and sleeping over and spending holidaze together and meeting the friends and families and spending every weekend together and both persons Acknowledging the other as their Monogamous Partner In a Rel, and saying I Luv U etc……….

…….and then THAT person stops luving me and dumps me hahahahha. ie the First Major Longterm Monog Rel Breakup that Normalfags have around age 18 or so hahahaha, which kicks off a decade of Casual Sex Hookups in their 20s.  shit THAT breakup is gonna damn KILL me! i didnt DATE this woman!

how could i have prevented this?

talked to her in october and september when i was first starting to get feelings. i should have said “uhhh i think i am getting some weird feelings for you. something is happening, im not sure what. maybe it has to do with your secret boifran. why dont you tell me about him. and could you ever have feelings for me. damn this is weird this is happening now.”

or i could have talked to her in july when i wasnt sure of her feelings for me, and said “this niceness, what does this mean? do you like me? do you have a boifran? if you ever get feelings or just feel confused, talk to me immediately and i will do the same.”

it is very painful to think of her having casual secs with guys she just me. and she WILL be doing it. damn. bbbbut for me, secs with her would have been SO SPECIAL and had so many feels. yet she just gets plowed by random guys, no feels anywhere to be found.

yeah the pain is just ridiculous. the thought you knew somebody and then you didnt know them AT ALL. how could you be SO WRONG about something that mattered so much to you? what else are you completely wrong about in making Big Life Decisions, or in judging people who are your friends, your good friends, your “closest” friends, your Lovers, the people you trust?

anyway it was good, but near the end it was really, really bad. it was worse than i thought. because when i got mixed messages, i only focused on the “good” part, disregarded the bad mixed part.

its like i said. subtlety is lost on those desperately in luv who desperatly want to save the rel. they will not understand subtlety, they will ignore mixed messages. there is a huge filter where you look at things that support your Optimism hahaha that she luvs you, or at least she wants to work this out, or at least Oh No this ISNT the end. when it totally is.

yep near the end we were really LIKE STRANGERS. she never wanted to hang out or talk with me. come on. thats all the proof you need. yet i took her willingness to have Small Talk with me at work, or to respond to my texts, as yep, we still ahve a friendship. otherwise she wouldn’t respond to my texts! in a halfway polite/nice way! cuz even that was totally alien to me.

i think she was responding to me just because she was generally a nice polite person and couldnt bear to just ignore me completely, like a common hook up slut hahaha. but its interesting that even the most pessimistic person, me, would be OPTIMISTIC about there being a chance.

well, its probably because we are SO DESPERATE. its not really OPTIMISM; its just that the Grim Reality is SO HORRIFYING that you HAVE to be in CONSTANT DENIAL. and then it all comes crashing down and you are KILLED for MONTHS.

yeah gonna do another 4.2 miler hahaha.

i bet she is at least somewhat affected by this. maybe she misses the good times too. well FOOK thats exactly what i wanted to bring back!!! in my desperate begging emails, i said we could get the good times back with a little communication!

well i wasnt wrong, but you need WILLINGNESS too. thats what LOVE is basically, is WILLINGNESS. I WANT to do this. we might communicate, but if she doesnt WANT to be muh Monogamous Longterm Gurlfran, then no amount of communication will make her want to be.

but that doesnt mean communication is worthless! it would have saved me a few MONTHS of pain i’m sure! and that is a big deal!

maybe it could have even saved me muh job.

but months of pain would be okay too, because the amoutn of pain you can suffer in one short month is RIDICULOUS. in a single day ever. its a damn MIRACLE i did not K myself! every day I do not K myself is a damn MIRACLE!!!!!

i heard this one expert say youre not supposed to talk to your family before you dump somebody, becuase they might influence you to do something you dont really want to do.

did another 4.2 miler.

anyway supposedly its okay to talk to your shrink/counselor/social worker whatever. but your family and friends are too….biased? they might tell you dont dump him, he’s so nice and good, when the hamster in your guts tells you dump because idk lol. he doesnt give you tingles. and that should override your damn family being a voice of reason! i dont know.

i say talk to your family baby! i told her to talk to her family. cause i thought her fam would back me up hahaha. i thought they would be a voice of reason. oh hes a great guy you should not throw him away like garbage. you dont ahve to date him but dont do him like this, you will break his poor heart. and boy did she ever! worst pain ever!

anyway yeah i could have communicated better but it never would have given her feels for me.

and she dumped me i didnt dump her. thats for DAMN sure.

things were SHITTY  for at least five of the ten months i had feelings. this distancing was her ending HER stake in the relationship. she was pulling out and was a solid 5 to 8 months ahead of me. she had already accepted that it was over. i am only just getting there. and i STILL want her back. it will take a LONG time get past that.

what else.

yeah if i EVER have another female friend, i am gonna be CAREFUL. i am gonna watch for feelings like a HAWK. shit i will try to force myself to get feelings right away. i will endeavour to think of her as a Sexual Being RIGHT AWAY. i will keep her In The Loop. If she has a boyfriend i will say, errrr doesnt this make him jealous? are you happy? why dont you break up with him so we can date? no dont CHEAT on him. oh, you were WILLING to cheat on him? well i know all i need to know then. so lets fook and i know never to be monogamous with you or get feelings, CHEATER.

i will say, listen sweetie, last time i had a female friend, it started out very good, but it turned out very, very, very bad, and i just cant survive another one of those.

then i will tell the story. and say thats why feelings can be a big deal. so if i get feelings i will tell you, and you do the same. if either of starts getting any feelings or any confusion about feelings, we have to talk about it right away. maybe we should try making out. or fooking. maybe that will start the feelings quicker. cuz my first thought with the past woman was yeah it would feel a little weird.

well after a short month of really THINKING about it, i concluded it WOULDNT BE WEIRD AT ALL, and i was in full blown luv with her, and we had not talked about it at all. then the shit hit the fan 10 months later.

shit go for a MORMON gurl. they are like christian gurls, BUT they dont turn into HUGE sluts the moment they turn 18. well, some of them do. but not as many. mormons. i wish i could have the faith and work ethic and the happiness of mormons. they are successful, nondegenerate, and have large loving families, and non slut women. there is a mormon church “meeting house” within 10 miles of where i live, i am SURE there si one near you too. also mormons believe in JESUS CHRIST. its jehovahs witnesses that are the REALLY fooked up ones youre thinking of. mormons are NOWHERE NEAR as bad as jehovahs witnesses, who might be as bad as scientologists.

took a 60% nyquil to get tired for 12 hours.

nyquil is SUPER POWERFUL. a 100% dose will make you sleepy for 20 hours, which if you are a working man, you will be Fired for not Peak Performance. you will get a one on one meeting telling you to Work Better. i cant give any pointers beause i dont know how to do your INSANE COMPLICATED CONFUSING JOB, just stop making mistakes or youre fired.

i knew a mormon girl in college, well i fell i luv with her as a matter of fact! and by age 21 she had been with very few men, maybe even a virgin. it was also possible she was an asexual lesbian! anyway she became very successful in life and is way out of the league of a loser like me hahahaha. she makes 50 DAH saving the world from rich white men hahaahah.

well actually she probably only makes 25DAH in her world, but she takes the big pay cut becuase shes making a difference in the world and fighting the patriarchy. probably took a bunch of dicks by now or became a hateful lesbian hahaha. if she contacted me i might go out with her hahahaha. she prob still looks good. but im sure she looks older. she is not 21 any more thats for sure!!!!!

so yeah my woman is not likely to come back. SHE is the one who CHOSE to end it!

i woudl have been real good to her. better than any man had ever been, even her long term boifran. but noooooooooooo. and she would have lifted me up a lot, given me a lot of energy to hopefully do something with my life, get energized, get some direction, become a winner. become less of a nihilist. but noooooooooooo.

you have to walk 35 miles a week to lose 1 pound per week hahaha. you burn about 100 calories for 1 miles of walking. it takes 3500 calories to burn a pound of fat. therefore, 35 miles = ONE pound hahahaha. now you see how hard it is to lose weight hahahaha.

still easier than getting a living wage job or an attractive gurlfran hahahaha. this is why most men have shitty jobs and date/marry ugly women hahahahaha.

“neveah”, heaven spelled backwards. people actually name their kids this. DAMN. you do not need to be INTELLIGENT to BREED. but you really SHOULD.

i mean damn. my super intelligent seed NEEDS to be spread!

but i also have mental and emotional probs and am not tall, probably have no tall genes in me. super beta, but very smart. not ugly either. when i was young i was good looking and smart enough to pull attractive women. briefly hahaha. and not win their feelings hahahaha.

my AK got beat by this guys A2. he went all in, i called, i fear he migth have AA, but he beat with AA22 and I just had AAxxx. wiped out. decimated. cleaned out. damn.