thought catalog. i actually liked reading the stupid articles. i am their target demo, of college grad millennial struggling in career and luv because i was not a Top Winner who became Super Successful at age 21 by going to Harvard Law or MIT PhD in STEM, postdoc fellowships, assistant professor at age 25, or director of some brilliant progressive nonprofit and getting stories in the new york slimes by age 26, all the while having promiscuous open relationships with other High Achievers hahahahahaha and insisting on Moral Relativism for your own actions, even while prescribing Moral Absolutes in your Public POlicy decisions hahahaha.

anyway as i am Over 30 I have aged out of Thought Catalog which is for Kidults in their 20s, and if you dont have Everything Figured Out by 30, then youve really fooked up hahahaha. yeah buddy!

gotta fail to succeed hahahaha.

some of the articles are good, but many are bad, by slutting flaky bitches defending their passive aggressive infuriating hamster bullshit.

celebrating shirking responsibility; celebrating avoiding important conversations; celebrating the easy way out and throwing people away like garbage; celebrating not directly communicating with peopel because its AWKWARD. sucking the dick of never doing important, right, responsible things, just because its AWKWARD, and AWKWARD is the worst thing ever, even over bad karma and breaking hearts hahahaha.

well im not entitled to communication or a conversation.

well i argue that when you know somebody for 2+ years, YES YOU ARE ENTITLED.

so i was pushing her boundaries. she was pushing my boundaries too.

i should have defended my boundaries. she prob did a better job of defending her boundaries.

i do like the concept of boundaries. think of it as a LINE that you dont want crossed, and when people cross that line, it makes you angry or sad or frustrated. and they may do it intentionally or unintentionally.  they may be crossing the line by avoiding you rather than doing something explicitly forwardly offensive.

so she did give kinda a notice that i was pushign her boundaries, by snapping at me and telling me GO AWAY. i wanted her to apologize for that because really i thought she was pushing MY boundaries and i didnt deserve to be snapped at like that. but i guess technically she doesnt need to apologize for enforcing her boundaries! would I? of course not!

so its all my fault, i could have fixed it, but i broke it.

well, i didnt even let her know she was VIolating My Boundary. you have to let people KNOW. she honestly thought i was just being a bitch Just Because. it was my responsibility to say, I feel my boundary being pushed because i am very sad and frustrated you refuse to hang out with me, i feel rejected and unliked, and it hurts.

so i could say WHY ELSE would i be pushing her in the first place? but when you are EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED, you sometimes FAIL TO SEE THE OBVIOUS.

also, when somebody likes somebody else, they want the person to like them. its important. they are already invested in this. you think they are gonna listen to SUBTLE, UNCLEAR HINTS, BURIED IN MIXED MESSAGES? and say ok, read ya loud and clear, sorry to like you? NO, they CANNOT hear SUBTLETY and need it sledgehammered into their emotionally compromised brain. thats why mixed messages are so bad. cuz you will say oh theyre still talking to me, that means theres a CHANCE.

haven’t these women experienced similar things when they have a “crush” on a guy? they refuse to believe he doesnt like them?

i dont fault ANYONE for being this OBTUSE. you cannot be objective when you are In Luv and you WANT the best outcome from the other person. of COURSE you are emtoionally compromised hahahaha. man or woman. it doesnt matter.

but the rejector needs to b DIRECT and NOT subtle. no mixed miessages.

but yeah thought catalog has actually given me a little bit of actual COMFORT hahahaha.

18 Things That Suck About Not Being Interested In Casual Sex

or yu just judge stupid sluts. like this woman who tried having plenty of casual sex to reach the conclusion that she really did not like casual sex hahahaha.

“internalizing society’s slut shaming”

GOOD LORD. in this generation people honestly do not understand why being a slut is inherently shameful. men will defend sluts for gods sakes.

This Is What Is Really Wrong With Casual Sex

also even though the few men who write for the site are novirgin sexhaving normalfags…..they still seem unmasculine and girly and the men and women seem to think men and women are the same……except for the beauty of women being emotionally compromised children and treating people like garbage hahahaha. thats ok. cuz its some mythopoetic primordial womens emotions bullcrap.

Casual Sex Is Not For Everyone

i really liked the fact that she never got into The Hookup Culture of jumping into Secs quickly, having Secs with a lot of interchangeable people, etc. because she got into a Longterm Monog Rel at a young age. well now that thats over she might become a hookup whore. or she might not. it really shouldnt matter to me. fooking dirty hookup whore. i forgive her. dear lord please help me let go of the anger. hahahaha.

the pattern i have is that i fall in luv and get feelings for women…….who DONT have feeligns for me!

so what did i learn?

  1. dont get feelings for a woman unless she has feelings for me.
  2.  because this isnt really something you can control, not a realistic plan, then communicate with the the INSTANT you get feelings. just write a damn email if they dont hang out wiht you within 2 weeks.
  3. even if i had communicated better, it still wouldnt have worked out, becuase she didnt like me, she didnt have any desire to make it work. she wanted out and nothing would have stopped her. because she wasnt in luv with me. therefore she wasnt willing to meet me halfway and help Us make it work.
  4. boundaries, limits. let them know when they are crossing them.
  5. its your responsibility to say we need to talk.
  6. be brutally honest in the commuincation. tell her to tell you the instant she gets feelings, or the instant you get feelings.
  7. yeah i am a sucker for LISTS like thought catalog faggotry. it seems like its easier to remember or study. and i do NOT want to FORGET this SUPER IMPORTANT shit. these are the lessons i learned from my LIFE being RUINED, and i dont want to FORGET them and have my life get ruined again!

so she didnt realize she was crossing my boundaries by avoiding me. i didnt quite realize she was crossing my boundaries either! basically if it HURTS, theres probably a boundary being crossed, and communication needs to happen. i needed to communicate about my feelings; and also about how the avoidance hurts. i eventually communicated about THAT, but that was near the very end. and it didnt open up any communication really. but i sort of said that yeah i feel hurt and rejected when you avoid me and dont talk to me hahahahaha.

you are entitled to your Feelings. Feel Your Feelings. they might also not like you defending your boundaries.

but basically if somebody luvs you and wants to make the rel work………….

………………they will not walk out on you. they will do the antithesis of walk out on you. they want to stay there with you and Bend Over Backwards to communicate and fix stuff.

i know in email1, which was read, might have been the only one she read, i should have divulged my true feelings there, but i did say a number of other important things: i feel hurt by the distance; i cant keep doing this forever; i just want to talk and communicate; things are tense right now but i believe we can fix it with a little commnication; lets communicate please; maybe we cant fix it, but i really dont want to give up on it without even trying.

well apparently she did want to give up on it without even trying. but thats ok, because she didnt luv me as a luver, so her getting out of it made sense.

it just sucked to have her get out of it in the worst possible way to me: treat me like a piece of shit WHILE dumping me. it is a DOUBLE WHAMMY of heartbreak. that you only reserve for a piece of shit who has cheated on you or beat you. and you want to send a message of hate to them. but which i would not advise doing to a crazy angry abuser, because he might just fooking K you! so i advise err on the side of caution. no need to really stick it to them. be a better person than that.

heh. perfect storm. i honestly thought we would talk about it, so i held off writing an email. maybe if we didnt work together? also then the tension wouldnt have boiled as much as it did.

also i feel guilty cuz she was undergoing a family thing……………….

……….but also i dont think thats a valid excuse for her shutting down all communication for 10 months. no hangouts, no serious talks, no emails. you can send an email even while you are having family trouble. write an email on a sleepless night hahahaha. get a dialogue going. damn.

yeah i will be better about my communiation and my boundaries in the future, but its important that i dont lose sight of the fact that It Takes Two, and that my Bungling Communication was not THE REASON for the failure of this rel. I was trying to do the right thing….i just was half assing and being a coward. well she was being a coward too, but what she WANTED was something 180 degrees different. we were cowards for different things. i was a coward in expressing my luv for her, and she was a coward in expressing her NOT being in luv with me.

it was the simple fact she did not have feelings and i did, that the rel failed. no big deal hahahahaha happens all the time. its cetainly happened to me 8 times before. i mean 5. hahaha. just saying it COULD have ended much less painfully if she had just Accepted My Invitation to Talk, and then said nope sorry.

well my invitation to talk was not the greatest. so that makes it my fault for heaping all the pain onto myself? maybe.

see you just go around and around and around in CIRCLES over and over and over.

this PAIN is exactly WHY people close themselves OFF to love, why they attempt to DIVORCE sex and emotion, and have casual, no strings attach, no feelings sex.

but i think thats bad for oxytocin, bad for human Committment.

but maybe some people have low oxytocin to begin with.

i mean some people truly ENJOY casual sex. who am i to take that away from them?

well ok they can enjoy it, as long as they have good COMMUNICATION with everyone they are having casual sex with, to make sure everybodys on the same PAGE, and no ones FEELINGS get hurt. that is the RESPONSIBILITY you have if you want to have damn casual sex, ya damn sociopath nihilists with hearts of stone!

shit. i thought she might feel guilt for throwing me away like garbage and that she might want to reconcile, but be too scared, so then its my responsiblity to contact her and be like we can reconcile if you want! im not mad at you! even though i already said that in emails 2 thru 4; but she 99% sure didnt even READ those heartbreaking emails where i begged for mercy hahahhahaha. so i have to WAIT for her to be less emotional, then contact her again? if i am truly serious about getting the gurl? well i have been no contact for over a month, since i sent the final email4 on aug 17, and i dont want to jeopardize that. i mean if she really wants to reconcile, shes got to SHOW me SOMETHING. email me and be like “ive made a huge mistake” would be a good start hahahaha.

yeah around and around in circles. but one thing that IS for certain is that SHE dumped ME, i did not dump HER. god damn that is painfully obvious.

heh. i just wish she was more willing to fix shit. i mean what we had couldnt be fixed, me luving her, her not luving me, but still. we could have discussed it and agreed to disagree so to speak and ended it a lot better.

but reading bullshit thought catalog articles about women who are so devastated about HAVING to dump their Boifran of 2 years because something, idk what, feeeeeeeels awkward or off. i hate that shit. well then its you RESOPONSIBILITY to figure out what that thing is and try to fix it. communicate. fight to save an important relship. or you just gonna throw it away like shit because youre too lazy and vain and cowardly and shitty and evil hahahaha. i forgive her. lord help me let go of this anger.

and to stop being A victim.

well i kinda was a victim! I Got Dumped! I also Got Treated Unfairly!

there were things i could ahve done better, but it wouldnt have changed things! I still would ahve been dumped! but maybe i would have felt less of a Victim about it. yeah. that would be good. feeling like a victim sucks and does not help you.

there is no way she does NOT feel anything about this. i wonder how SHE is dealing with it. probably by getting fooked by tons of cock, the whore. take those cocks. destroy your oxytocin. never have a good rel with a man ever again. hahahaha. im sorry. i forgive her. lord help me let go.

ok time for the 4.4 miler.

well i promised i would not look at degenerate porno but i did. oh well. i hadnt in about a week. once a week is not horrible. once a DAY is horrible! but yeah any gurl that would let herself get fooked on camera is bad news. yet so many non porno regular gurls let their casual sex fook buddies and badboi boifranz make SEX TAPES of them. its not REALLY porno, and they arent REALLY porno gurls……but its definitely  Blurred LInes hahahaha and it DEFINITELY is a step in the WRONG directly. NOT moral. YES disgusting. NO dont do it. do NOT recommend it for your daughter. YES its a warning sign if your gurlfran has done it. a warning sign that you will not be perfect for you and she will dump you to make sex tapes with other guys real soon hahahahahaha.

ok 4.4 miler.