google: blaming self for breakup
Or they blame the breakup on their neediness. Now that that they are in abandonment grief, feelings of neediness become overwhelming. The truth is that we all become needy during heartbreak. We are needy at other times, too – neediness is part of being human – but it becomes pronounced when we are attempting a new relationship with someone we’re not sure of or when the person we are attached to is no longer fulfilling our basic need to be loved and secure.
When we feel unrequited love – a lack of emotional reciprocity from the other person – we naturally feel insecure. Even the most independent among us can exhibit reactive behaviors that are extreme and can make the other person run for cover. ”
abandonment dot net, awesome hahaha. all quotes copyright susan anderson, my new hero
” Many abandoners also attempt to BLAME you for the break up. It’s because you were too “needy” or “dependent” or “angry,” they might say. Meanwhile, if you have become “needy” or “dependent” or “angry” it is not because you ARE these things, but because you were REACTING to their gradually pulling away. None-the-less, you will beat yourself up for these things anyway. ”
” But if the accident simply reflected the cold randomness of the universe, that meant something far worse: no planning or foresight could ever prevent bad things from happening to the people I cared about. Even psychologists have trouble swallowing that pill. So I kicked myself instead. After all, that’s when we all turn to self-blame: at those very moments we can’t accept how helpless we are to control our fate. Beneath self-blame, there’s often a powerful wish for control.
This is also the key to understanding Tina’s behavior. She really doesn’t believe Ken can change—nor do most people who blame themselves for a bad relationship. If we’re not the problem, then our partner’s surly moods or disinterest can only be altered through their efforts. And the less faith we have—as Tina seemed to—that they can ever make those changes, the more we risk finding fault with ourselves. If our hope for a happy relationship lies in our partners’ hands, and they’re not up to the task, then the situation truly is hopeless. And hopelessness is a far worse pain than self-doubt.
[ufmll: well, this guys got a lot of good points, well memed mah boy. BUT i would offer that sometimes hopeless can be more comforting than self doubt. in the sense of “welp, i accept that the situation is out of my hands, and nothign i could have done could have helped it. it was dead on arrival.” rather than eternally blaming yourself and saying what if. i think over the long term, that would drive you more crazy than hopelessness.]
Tina, for example, focused most of her efforts on changing herself. But for all her frantic attempts to be a better partner, she remained afraid or unwilling to ask more of Ken, terrified that he either didn’t care to—or even worse, couldn’t— change for her. She hid that fear, even from herself, beneath layers of self-blame.
If you’re a self-blamer, like Tina, the way out, of course, is to start considering what other people can do to help you feel better. And you can only do that if you accept that your partner not only can, but should change their hurtful behaviors—not because you’ve tried to do something different (again), but because they care enough about how you feel to do something different themselves (renowned marriage researcher, John Gottman (link is external), calls this “openness to influence (link is external)”).
In other words, the onslaught of self-blame only stops once you realize that your own feelings of disappointment are legitimate enough to be heard. It’s when you finally tell someone you feel hurt or upset by their behavior—and exactly what they can do to help you feel better—that you truly learn whether or not they care enough to change what’s hurting you. And if they don’t care about that, you need to know as soon as possible. Or you could end up stuck in an unhappy relationship, blaming yourself for feeling bad. And that would depress anyone.
copyright/credit craig malkin or psych today
this 7 cups of tea site is pretty neat. it is about connecting people with Listeners when they jsut need an Objective Person to Listen and not give judgements or advice. i think its a great idea. although i think a little advice is not bad hahahahaha obviously. i like to give Baby Steps advice, like walk 100 miles a day hahahaha. and get a masters of electrical engin degree, and get a nice cute chaste 18 year old gurlfran, and lift 9000000 pound weights.
see i KNOW i did shit wrong, namely, i commuincated poorly and pushed her, even if for “good” reasons/intentions (wanting to communicate abotu problems, talk things out), but was this the be all end all? isnt the more important reason was she simply didnt have feelings, she wanted to keep things the way they were, i wanted to change them?
i dunno. yeah i pushed her, but yeah she could have treated me at least a little better and spared me a little pain hahahaha.
ok did a 4 miler, took a nice shower, turned out i had not taken a shower in 5 days, that is horrible hahaha.
i thought well my crime was being pushy. her crime is throwing a person away. which is worse.
well she only threw me away because I pushed her.
but is that REALLY an appropriate, proportional response?
my thing was like a 1 on the badness scale, she was an 11.
i am always thinking of things in terms of Payoffs. so the payoff of me pushing her, for her, was like -1 to her, her throwing me away like garbage was a -10000000 for me!
listened to some of the golden one whilst walking. he seems like a good guy. its funny his derpression video advises getting goals and also getting a gurlfran will give you motivation an energy. i had to laugh because he talked about it like it was so easy. study shit on the internet, learn how to talk and dress and use game on gurls, then you can get a gurl. he admits to liking cuddling. he has kind of a traditional view of “fair maidens” which i like, and discourages degeneracy, so i assume he would not approve of sluts and casual sex and open rels. but i would like to see him do a video on that!
he is all about being “glorious” and being the best you can be, pushing your body to become a golden god, and also reading and learning.
anyway i would say a high number casual sex slut is not worth being a fair maiden!
but this guy could tear me in half like a phone book hahahaha.
i think he would agree, as i say, he is anti-degeneracy and pro-family and probably pro-traditional relationships. which is the way to be. in fact these views are expanding his audience from what he probably originally intended, ie a strictly Weight Lifting audience.
yeah cuddling with that New Dream Gurl WOULD help getting over The Woman 2015. i guarantee it. the NDG might even be worth getting feelings over! i mean i would def like her to sit on muh face hahaha and muh dick and just bang her HARD.
of course same deal with The Woman. i mean this is what brings men and women together!
what did i learn?
to say the words “WE NEED TO TALK” or “I WOULD LIKE TO TALK” and NOT “can we please hang out”. it is my responsibility to say “i want to talk” if talkings what i really want to do.
well so there was an issue i wanted to talk about and i pushed her to talk.
if there were an issue she wanted to talk about, maybe she would have pushed me to talk.
but the issue affected us both! well it affected me more. she was able to ignore it much easier because…….she was not in luv with me…….therefore she would not want to Date me hahahaha.
i do like Affirmations, I am this and I am that. so they should be specific and detailed, but not too long, and should not use negative words like not or no, even if you WANT to NOT do something. also you should say I AM and NOT I WILL or I CAN or something that is in the future. stay on the present.
I DO have SOME social skills. i am not a complete autist. friendless autist r9k robot. i have friends, i have a weekly social event, in the past i have even been friends with WOMEN. if i were a TOTAL hopeless lost cause, i would have never had a female friend ever. and i have had SEVERAL female friends, where we would hang out and talk.
The Golden One says it can be difficult for men and women to be Just Friends if they are hanging out in a one on one setting. as part of a Group, or on the Job, its totally doable though. but he makes the good point that the One On One setting implies a certain degree of intimacy. and i would 100000000% agree.
and me and the woman would hang out one on one. but wasnt it kind of weird that her boifran didnt object? she had said once that he never got jealous. cuz i thought, if i were him, i would not be perfectly fine with her hanging out one on one with other guys and making new guy friends. cuz i am them jealous type hahahaha.
but i think its good jealousy not bad jealousy to get jealous of your long term gurlfran hanging out one on one with their Kewl New Guy Friends.
she maybe did that to MAKE him jealous, cuz i think she WANTED him to get at least a little jealous, to show that he luved her hahahaha. i mean i can totally understand this. shit i am a jealous guy i think my best match/fit would be a somewhat jealous gurl.
because yeah for us Jealous Types, you CHOOSE not to hang out One On One with other men/women as a show of respect and commitment, and you dont WANT to keep your options open because you are happy with what you have. and you dont WANT to have one foot out the door. you WANT to be monogamous, you CHOOSE monogamy with this one person you luv.
how is that so weird and hard to understand?
but yeah point is, isnt her hanging out with ME, when she had a boifran, disrespectful to her boifran, and a WARNING SIGN that she might be a cheater?
well, this one can go both ways, and i dont think she was trying to CHEAT, and she WANTED to make him jealous, as a way of making him luv her more, cuz he was pulling away from her. so it wasnt about showing him disrespect, if anything, she was desperate to make him get closer to her.
like i was desperate to have her stop pulling away from me. so i pushed her to hang out (so we could taaaaaaaaaaalk) which pushed her away further.
but yeah bitches would think i was being unfair and jealous and controlling if i didnt like them hanging out one on one with other dudes. so of course that made them all the more willing to hang out one on one with other dudes, and dump me!
but honestly really the only good healthy positive thing i CAN do is Powerwalk like a bastard, do it 8 to 10 miles a day. like to get it even higher because its GOOD to push yourself physically, plus what im doing now is not helping me lose weight fast enough. i mean shit 1 pound a week would be GREAT. but this .1 or .2 pounds per week? just doesnt seem enough! and i would luv to lose 15-20 pounds!
what has helped my poker game noticeably is PREFLOP RAISING. before i would always limp, meaning i would never raise preflop. this is i guess a really passive way of playing, when i viewed it as simply being cautious and conservative and “tight.” well little did i know about the Tight And Loose vs Aggressive and Passive matrix!
tight and loose has to do with how many hands you play. i will always be kind of tight and thats not bad.
but now i am trying to be a more aggressive in my BETS. meaning, raise preflop if you have a good hand that you as a Tight Player would play! Raise, dont call or check, and this makes it easier to build decent sized pots.
oh yeah the golden god also says……ummm he said it was ok for manlets to get Jacked and Juiced and Ripped becuase its all about improving yourself regardless if you were 6 2 like he is, or 5 4 like us manlets hahahahaha.
and he is all about being natural, no steroids and shit like that. i appreciate that hahaha.
but he said…shit cant remember but it was decent advice for anyone. pretty common sense of course.
in many advice articles on “how to break up with somebody” i have seen the common themes of:
treat them with respect
say that it was a good relationship and that the rel itself was meaningful
its ok for them to be upset
but still be nice to them.
listen to them
but be firm, direct, and not on the fence.
because you have given this a good deal of thought right?
do it in person and not email or text.
expect a decent length talk.
expect it to be uncomfortable and awkward, you’re breaking someones heart after all. but its the right thing to have this in person talk, rather than leave them hanging.
anyway yeah its funny, regarding some items near the top of that list, i totally did NOT feel treated with Human Respect, and i did not feel the relationship was given proper respect. so this must be a universal human thing. that when you get dumped, you feel thrown away like garbage, and you feel like the rel meant nothing to that person, so its the responsibility of the dumper to address those specific points. yep i agree it would have helped!
but closure is a luxury. respect is a luxury. being treated like anything but garbage shit is a LUXURY hahahaha.
just waiting for Dinner to Digest before going for another 4 miler hahaha.
oh yeah. if a full dose of nyquil makes you dead the next day, 20 hours to get fully out of your system………..
then take a half dose of nyquil. and hopefully you will be good in 10 hours hahahaha.
but i….ok a 60% dose of nyquil will last 12 hours then.
3.4 miles later
ok i took about a 60% dose; and then went out for a 4 miler. but then it got dark. and i cant powerwalk when its dark hahaaha.
ok what The Golden One said i was trying to remember, was basically using the term “BETA LEFTIST.” leftists are beta, betas are leftist. i think its great how he just comes out and says it. makes the not too difficult connection. but he really drives the connection home by using the term BETA LEFTIST regularly. a good one is the “beta leftist journalist” oh god who doesnt hate them hahaha.
in his no porn
video, he says, next time you want to jerk off to degenerate porn, imagine a beta leftist journalist is watching over you saying “GOOD GOOD” hahahaha. he believes porn is degenerate and beta and pathetic and you should earn the the luxury of getting with a woman and this is not something that should be a spectator sport, and it will take away your Natural Masculine Energy.
i would add to that that it makes a mockery of the natural, healthy male female relationship. degrades it, defiles it, blasphemes it, perverts it.
ok the other more important thing he says, is to ask yourself, “is this WORTHY of me?” while taking a fairly Cocky, Superior view of yourself, even if you have to force it at first. of COURSE disgusting degenerate beta leftist porn is not worthy of a man who aspires to be something greater, and to RISE ABOVE the degeneracy and the filth and the scum and the whores hahahahaha.