yeah feeling guilty today cuz i was WEIRD and PUSHY and by doing that i ruined the rel. and if i had just stayed back, i would have saved the rel.  i could have stayed back but still tried to have an important talk with her on the phone or email or text. just blurted it out.

What If I had just blurted it out in like January or Feb?

talk about Talking About the Issue Directly!

i pushed her away!!!!! its my fault! if i hadnt been so pushy we would have gotten married and lived happily ever after!

when you see that is totally wrong.

well WHAT IF she WOULD have gotten feelings if i hadnt pushed her away?

when have i ever pushed somebody away by being pushy and weird?

this literally might have been the first and only time! normally when i get dumped i haven’t really pushed them AWAY, they just notice my feelings and say sorry cant do this, then its over.

but i never pushed someone away because i tried too hard, and too weirdly. after trying with woman2012 she sent me an email saying yeah i think you like me, sorry, cant do this. cuz i sent the blatant signal of touching her arm in a movie theatre.

but see we were actually HANGING OUT. if i could have gotten woman2015 to a movie theatre or restaurant or park i would have touched her damn arm too! but i couldnt get her to agree to hang out! and that was veyr frustrating!

yeah in the future i will just blurt it out in an email.

went for 4 mile walk hahaha. nice.

did someone ever push ME away by wanting to hang out too much? well there was this guy in college who i went to high school with and always thought was WEIRD, but i hung out with him a little bit in college because i was lonely and had no friends and he did all the work hahahaha. and sometimes he could get alcohol and i liked to drink! but ultimately he was TOO fooking weird, he had symptoms of narcissism, bipolar, maybe borderline. just Too Much To Handle. he might have had a gay obsession with me, i dont even know. he had even bigger issues than i did!

he was not a bad guy, just too much to handle, not the type of person i really needed in my life, and he was more attached to me than i was attached to him. hehehehe sound familiar?

bbbbbut there were differences too, i dont think me drifting away from him broke his heart; also there was always tension from him being super ridiculous, and i was never that way with her. i mean this guy was insane but i tolerated it because i was that friendless! but with me and her, we were both chill to each other and there was no real tension until 2 years in.  shit.

hahahah i might need to find some more articles on google.

“closure is a luxury” hahahaha well yes. no shit. also if he knew he had feelings for her then why does he want to continue the friendship. because youre addicted to the person and do not want them out of your life, so you can still luv them, even if you know they will never luv you. that part doesnt matter!

anyway she ignored him for no apparent reason and it broke his heart cuz they seemed like such good close friends.’s-Giving-You-the-Silent-Treatment


Express how this makes you feel. The cold shoulder is painful to the recipient. Let this person know that you do sincerely want to work things through, but if that’s not going to happen in the near future, you may not continue “volunteering” to be frozen out.
Example: “It really hurts that you’re shutting me out, and I wish you would talk to me so we could put this behind us. If this continues much longer, I’m going to need to stop waiting and just assume that you do not want to be friends anymore. I don’t want to do that, which is why I’m telling you now.”


ok thats pretty good.

(google: friend wont talk to me)

yeah you are not supposed to push them, you are supposed to give them space.

also she was having some personal/family issues which contributed to her distance.

ok i guess in the future hahahaha send them an email earlier, asking direct clear questions earlier. it was so hard to give her space because…..well because i had FEEEEEELINGS and it was more than just a Friendship to me.  plus i felt like i was waiting forever.

i dunno the whole god damn thing was shitty and i brought some of it on myself.

did a second 4 miler.

yeah this is such a hard heartbreak because more than ever i feel it was my FAULT, something i could have prevented if i had just been smarter or more courageous or more experienced or more masculine.

in the other things, the girls blatantly dumped me, sat me down and told me it was over, so it was easy for me to make them the bad guy, and me the good guy. for me to hate them and feel so wronged. and feel no guilt.

but here i feel a lot of guilt, like i made her do this!

and then some days i feel less guilt. but today i feel very guilty.

it wasnt “just” a matter of me being pushy to a friend. the reason for the pushiness was the difference in feelings.

also, i was aware from the very beginning : “I DONT WANT TO BE PUSHY. O GOD.”

so i was very careful about trying not to be pushy! i would ask her to hang out once every two weeks rather than every single week.

and every time i approached her i was apologizing. and saying “sorry for being pushy” pretty clearly.

i wish i could have said “WE NEED TO TALK” more directly. that would have done it too.

she probably knew i wanted to talk but it was still MY RESPONSIBILITY to SAY it.

she shirked her responsibilities, i shirked mine. who shirked first? hahahaha.

well i was hurt and offended and rejected when she always blew me off and never wanted to hang out. at that time, i thought it was inevitable we’d hang out somewhat soon, have the talk, get the shit over with. i dunno. when she kept doing that i should have said something. that was crossing a boundary.

but she sorta apologized for that in like april or may.

well that was nice but still it wasnt a real talk. i was constantly holding out hope that we would hang out in april/may/june. but no.

but i could have talked to her on the phone or email or text. i should have seen by that time that i had been waiting too damn long.

but i apologized 10000000 damn times every time i emailed her!

but she did not see those apologies as sincere. just lies. empty words.

i didnt really want to be pushy. i just wanted to talk. so i shuld have just said “i would like to TALK plz.”

so yeah its really all my fault hahahaha.

she was confused! she had no idea i wanted to talk to her! she had no idea i liked her! i was just this creepy weirdo acting weird to her all the time and always wanting to hang out, and apologizing for being pushy, and then he got more into writing emails and talking about communication, and he had changed a lot, become weirder and pushy and needy.

shit. i just cant take this. i mean i cant contact her and apologize AGAIN.

well the key thing to keep it mind is that it wasnt all my fault. its not like i was beating her or abusing her. i was being passive aggressive though.

heh how am i gonna forgive MYSELF hahaha.

but the key thing is, if she had feelings for me, she would have responded differently. probably wanted to hang out, or would have been nicer, or responded to emails, or something. key thing is, she didnt have feelings, so its not like if i had communicated better, i would have ended up with her, happily ever after. never would have happened ever.

i am just ashamed that i couldnt have been more STRAIGHTFORWARD, and she is probably angry about the same.

my excuse was, well we’re going to hang out soon. and i will tell her then. i honestly thought we would get together eventually and talk. and i was much more willing to do THAT than to write an email or Blurt It Out.

so yeah some days i blame her, i think 60% of days hahaha, but i get some real bad days where i blame myself. i pushed her to this. and the idea that i pushed the person i Truly Loved away forever. how can i live with that kind of guilt?

over 2 months later and still no damn perspective on it.

shouldnt even be talking about BLAME!!! usually i like to blame the other person and its a way to get over it, make them the bad guy. now i feel like the bad guy. how could she do this? why did she do it like this? because i pushed her to it.

why does she not want to reconcile with me? becuase i pushed her to it.

why did she want out of the rel? because i pushed her to it.

and just a few days ago i said she was at fault and was angry at her. now i am angry at myself fore me being at fault.

well i know i discussed this exact thing with the shrink. shrink said…..i cant remember. something like i didnt deserve this kind of pain? that it Takes Two?

so you should try to meet someone halfway but no more. then you encroach on their territory. so youre not doing them any favors by “meeting them at their door” rather than “meeting them halfway.” by the time you are at their door, then you’e scared them away. away out of their house. then you are not even halfway.


well got soem decent sleep and feel a little better. not so guilty. it takes two. i might have given the olive branch in a stupid ineffective wierd pushy way, but she was not giving an olive branch at all.

had a dream which featured a young woman who had started at our job and who was very attractive. in feb and march and april i was getting angry and passive aggressive at The Woman (correct response: should have said “WE NEED TO TALK” and snet her a letter/email right then, or earlier, saying “i have feelings for you”, drop the mic.) and i was like, shit this New Girl is like a Better Version of The WOman: they are similar physically in having long legs and long hair and pale skin, but this New Girl is technically more attractive and is probably not such a damn bitch hahahaha. and she is younger and maybe has less Baggage. (one of My Types is long legs, pale skin, long hair.)

so i had a dream where i was with that new girl and she was like im gonna get in this hot tub right now, i’m gonna get naked, dont get weirded out. and then she got completely naked and i glimpsed her beautiful young nakd body before she got in the tub. that was exciting, and possibly boded well for me to get with her physically……….but its also a warning sign for a woman to be so comfortable getting naked in front of strangers. i might be able to have secs or make out with her, but with someone who Gave It Away so easily……it did not bode well for the long term. but oh well. better some enjoyment in the short term than no enjoyment at all.

i have seen this guy on youtube for a while, and might start watching his non bodybuilding videos hahaha. he is super ridiculous and his pictures look kind of homosexual, but i like his concern for degeneracy, and right wing interests, and masculinity, overcoming hardship with strength rather than whining about it like a weak omega hahaha. plus he seems to have genuine compassion sometimes, which i admire, rather than being a total narcissist, which may be misleading when he refers to himself as a narcissist. well he has reason to be self confident to the point of vanity, being in good shape, success in life, probably not a virgin hahahaha.

i agree that Lifting is good, strength training, i would like to get into it some day hahahaha. of course i am way older than this guy!

when you get into the Depths of Despair, it is very easy to HATE, hate everyone who is more successful than you (which is everybody!), hate nonvirgins, hate women who are all degenerate sluts having casual sex and giving themselves away easily but never to you; hate all the degenerates you see around you, and there is degeneracy everywhere you look; hate people who mkae 15DAH;

yeah i def have less guilt today thank god.

i was stupid and pushy but i was pushy out of a desire to resolve things. she just had no desire to resolve anything. because i pushed her hahahaha.

anyway i would truly like to bang that other gurl i had in muh dream and also she might be worth cuddling and dating if she were not a huge high number whore, which i’m not certain she was! not all women are like that hahahaha by that i mean whores.

its just so fookin ridiculous though. after guilt day yesterday i am very tempted to contact her….and what. apologize AGAIN when she wuld not beleive it? make myself look even more like the creepy weird bad guy who cant get over it? and she wouldnt even READ it let alone RESPOND to it?

how could she do this? because i pushed her!!!!!!!!!

well she also could have reacted differently. she could have responded in some way. she could have said we have to talk hahahaha.

yeah i would straight up cuddle with that other new gurl hahaha as well as bang her. wish i could. that would help with this situation. wish i could just pay a gurl to be with me hahahaha.

problem is, that new gurl is way “OUT OF MY LEAGUE” way too atractive and young for a loser like me!

even The Woman was out of my league, because she was young and attractive and childless, but less so, and more attainable perhaps for a guy of my omega status ahhaahaha. oh wait omegas never get gurlz hahahaha.

looks like time for another 4 miler i guess. will listen to “the golden one” and see what he has to say. it is good to be able to discipline yourself to get into great shape like that, plus lifting builds testosterone, which is very good for men.

yep i should have jsut said “WE NEED TO TALK” rather than please hang out with me, please hang out with me. and then if she blew off my call to talk, i would have sent an email saying excatly what i wanted to say.

so yeah that was my mistake, my responsbilitiy i failed. but does that mean that it was ALL MY FAULT for the failure of the entire rel? no it doesnt. she could have wanted to talk too, to show some interest in talking about our problemz. maybe she would have also approached it awkwardly like i did, but she probably would have done something similar: show interest in hanging out with me, or perhaps emailing me if she did not want to hang out. but she did not want to hang out or email. she just wanted to avoid the talk altogether.

because i pushed her?

but i didnt start out pushing her so much. i was good for about 4 months. then things went from acceptable to pretty bad.