“ok lets just hook up drama free, for fun, no strings attached. let me know if you start to get feelings, so then i can dump you.”

what kind of world is it where people STOP fooking and playing Pseudo Relationships once one person gets feelings, i.e, wants to make it a real relationship?

people WANT the fake and phony and psuedo and run away from the REAL and true and deep.

see what i am doing? i am coloring the WHOLE WORLD whilst wearing the Lenses/Glasses of this Event. I am seeing the WHOLE WORLD thru the lenses of this heartbreak. viewing the heartbreak itself through those lenses too. viewing her as a monster, then viewing all people as monsters.

she did not dump me because she hates anything thats not phony hahahaha. she dumped me because she didnt have feelings for me, and couldnt handle me having feelings for her. but it doesnt mean she shuns all Real Feelings! she can have them with some other man! hahahaa. so you see why i don’t want to think THAT. so i should just snap my rubber band.

but it doesnt mean ALL women are casual sex nihilists who dump you as soon as you get feelings!

although that has been a recurring theme with all the women i’ve gotten feelings for. they have rejected my feeligns and said “no thanks” and there the relationship ends. no woman has ever wanted muh feelings hahahaha well that IS true, and has effected muh self esteem.

also she was a pretty important part of my life. now she is gone entirely, ripped out in a harsh manner. shit yeah its damn near traumatic.

so maybe that is WHY people dont like feelings and luv, cuz LOVE IS PAIN and they dont want to heartbreak again,  so they only do casual sex relationshits.

well i argue that keeps their heart from ever HEALING!

heh. yep i feel like a total failure with women. jsut because every woman i ever had feelings for has rejected them and i never had a real serious rel with a women. well other than the platonic friendships. but those either faded away or turned into a huge clusterfook like this one. i got feelings, and the feelings were rejected and the whole relship ended in the worst most painful possible way.

well thats not true. i guess i could have WATCHED her become a casual sex soulless whore, or we could have briefly pseudodated for 2 months with Fooking and me falling deeper in luv and her saying yeah i just dont want a rel, i want to have fun sex with all these guys, i just felt sorry for you, but now i jsut have no respect for you, you are pathetic and not even worth pity fooking, see ya, im gonna go have fun now, you enjoy being a loser the rest of your life, no wonder women dont like you, youre pathetic, you act like a 30 year old virgin and have no idea what to do around women lol, see ya wouldnt wanna be ya lol.

that would have been pretty bad hahaha.

i am still shocked. and hurt. that it ended this way. sure it was easier for her at a time of being overwhelmed. but i thought she might say “i have done a bad thing” and then apologize for it. but then apologizing is harder than not apologizing. but not if it assuages Massive Guilt! so maybe she didnt have massive guilt! maybe she did! i will never know!

i didnt think we were at 180, but were were at 180. we wanted different things from each other. i wanted A Serious Rel, she wanted everything to End.

this alone does not make her bad of course. i am Emotionally Intelligent/Mature enough to realize that this is a fact of life, and people like who they like, the heart wants what it wants, you can’t choose or force it. but you CAN choose how you DEAL/REACT to it, and here she chose the Cowards Way Out and cast doubt over an otherwise good friendship. yes that does matter.

so she treated me with no respect, why would i PINE over someone like that? why would i want them back? because thats what heartbreak is. you know you shouldnt, and the person is all wrong for you, and doesnt treat you right, but you dont care, because YOU LOVE THEM.

shit might be time for another 3.6er. i wasted all day doing one 3.6er, then reading about Neighborhoods of London on Wikipedia, becuase i am obsessed with my boy Millennial Woes and think i should just say fook it and move to scotland and get a gay marriage to him and we can bother be early thirties losers with no job or wife prospects hahahaha.

************* yeah. its OVER, i KNOW its over, i KNOW shes not gonna change her mind, i KNOW i shouldnt contact her, i WONT contact, but i still WANT her, and it still HURTS, and it probably will continue to do so for………6 months hahaha. **************

shit. i mean thats the honest truth, i will let it bulldoze oer me.

can i do anything about it? of course not.

i am just obsessed with LEARNING from this and not repeating the same mistake again.

ASSUMING i ever get feelings for a woman again. maybe i will casually bang bitches and never get feelings for them. THEYD LIKE THAT, WOULDNT THEY hahahahahahaha.

but honestly its not what i feel the LORD is calling me toward in a rel with a woman, HE wants me to have a traditional, monogamous, long term, loving rel with mutual feelings, with a woman. not nihilistic casual sex with no feelings. damn. do another 3.6er i guess. i cant seem to move myself.

ok did another 3.6er and thought shit why not just do a 4 miler.

anyway. yeah it would have been so good to make that work out wiht that woman. i mean it was a big deal to me. i just wanted a Nice Gurlfran for so long. whole life. not some slut you pseudodate for a few months, but someone you have a real relationship with and can see a future with.

sure i was naive by not reading her signals, or not wanting to believe her signals. cuz i wanted it so bad.

but its like you see some stupid feminist and think damn she really needs a good hard rogering and that might set her straight. i just need to have a decent monog longterm rel with a decent woman and that would set me sraight. with a decent amount of rogering in there as well.

i think damn i wish i could just PAY/BRIBE a woman to be my friend, be muh fook buddy. near the end i was desperately bargaining with female friend like wanna go out to dinner I’LL PAY FOR YOU; want to go to this event you had mentioned but you didnt want to pay, WELL ILL PAY FOR YOU hahahaha.

and that was just desperate and of course it didnt work.

but yeah it would have been sweet to get together with someone i really liked.



had a dream where i was partying, probably drinking, dont know. good news was The Woman was not in dream. there was A Woman i met 10 years ago who i developed a latent interest in after seeing her briefly about 3 years ago and we didnt even talk to each other hahahaha she didnt even see me. i was scared to approach her cuz i was a huge loser and had nothing to show for myself since i first met her at Top University. i started having Feelsy Dreams about her. i thought damn i regret not trying to date her or making an effort with her. she was cute and somewhat cool and not the hugest whore. and very cute, coulda had some good casual sex and casual cuddling hahahahahaha.

anyway it was weird how i suddenly got feelings for her just because of dreams. now they were moderate feelings, nothing like the extreme crushing feelings got for The WOman.

anyway she was in my dream last night and i was trying to Flirt with her but it was kinda awkward and i guess not really good enough for her.

later i heard a rumor she “hooked up” ie had drunk fun casual party sex with another guy at the party. i generally find drunken party just met the guy sex to be pretty distasteful and disrespectable and very disappointing when a woman you feel positively towards defiles herself by doing it.

it was a guy who IRL had been on the periphery of our “clique” and i hated him becuase woman2 had promiscuous hook up sex with him when i was trying to Get Back Together with her, but she was no longer interested in dating me. i was angry at this guy and i was angry at her. really in situations like this you should be more angry at the woman! like he would turn down a super cute 18 year old gurl throwing herself at him!

i guess their thing was similarly short lived and meaningless as it was with me. maneater hahahaha. later i came to get along with him better, realizing we shared the experience of being Used by the same woman hahahaha.

anyway that was real life, back to the dream. really nothing more to say. he had seduced yet another woman away from me hahaha. i was jealous of him because he got with the woman/women i wanted. he must be more charming. well he was possibly more charming, less desperate seeming, more witty, more arrogant, much taller, so yeah even though his confidence was more like fake arrogance, it was more than i had, plus he was tall where i was short hahahaha. so of course women picked him over me!

anyway there was too much cliqueiness in our clique and i regret that. i think it came from the women in it hahahaha.

anyway the dream was kind of good because it showed i could have positive feelings about a woman. it would probably behoove me to think of this woman because she is one of the few women i have positive feelings for.  i guess there are technically 2 women, this one and another woman i knew in 2006 and 7, and we actually hit it off, got along well, she responded nicely to me, and maybe she could have been The One who would ultiamtely not reject muh feelings. but it started out as a “long distance” thing where i only saw her once every couple months at the most, and then she moved even further away. and became a successful attorney hahahaha making shitloads of money. weird cuz she had a tender, sweet, gentle personality and did not seem like an Aggressive Cvnt, like youd associate with female lawyers.

of course it Never Really Began with these women, but i would have liked to try. it probably would have ended like all the other ones: i get dumped when i get feelings, with or without any pseudodating or feelingsless secs in there.

in all my obsession about The Woman, i often forget that she unfriended me, and then she Blocked me.

and then i felt guilt again, like, if i hadnt been so WEIRD to her, me being WEIRD made her feel uncomfrotable, and if i had been less weird and awkward, things would have been better.

well yeah not talking about it directly and saying “we need to TALK, and heres the deal”. would have probably reduced some of the awkwardness, instead of pretending there was nothign seriously wrong, until we both blew up.

really neither one of us knew how to talk about it, so we both kept avoiding it. but really theres no way but to be courageous and say it directly. i tried email which was the only thing i really knew HOW to do. yeah she really COULD have responded to the damn email rather than ignoring it.

yeah there really were BOUNDARY issues in the sense that i could and should have said: i am Not Ok with this freezing me out. I will not tolerate this. I would love to have a conversation about this.

and she could have said, I am not ok with you being weird, I would love to have a conversation about this.

and then we would have The Conversation hahahahahaha and everythign would have been settled in the epic conversation hahahaha yeah right.

so i was crashing her boundaries. and she was definitely crashing my boundaries. but her boundaries were ridiculous, basically saying, i dont want to have any responsibility for this relationship!!!!!!!! and you are invading my boundaries by trying to hold me accountable and asking me to have any responsibility which is a necessary part of any relationship!

but i was truly being weird. but because i was in luv and emotionally compromised!

thing is, i can’t ever say that to a woman in the future when telling this story because then i look like a weirdo.

LIKE WOMEN HAVE NEVER GONE CRAZY when a guy dumps them or breaks their heart. yeah right. they go crazy as shit.

well its really no womans business hahaha. youre not supposed to divulge too much of your past. me having to tell that story would be a display of intimacy that would be far beyond casual sex hahahaha. so basically i would never have to tell the story. well really i can just give the broad outline. i had a female friend, my feelings changed for her over time as i got to know her, and she rejected me in a very harsh way that broke my heart. period. end of story. thats all. no more details.

now did i CAUSE it? was it all my fault for acting weird? maybe. but its over. but i dont want to make the same mistake again!

well you could say it was unreasonable for her to just stop hanging out with me. so i should have said, that is crashing muh boundaries, i need to see you at least once every 2 months hahahaha. or i thought we were gonna hang out around thanksgiving or christmas. but nothing. what is going on here.

so i should have noticed the obvious: she is distancing herself from me and i just have to accept it. but thats hard to accept when its painful and sad and frustrating! its one thing if the person is not super important to you. but when they ARE…..then yeah you go a little crazy.

and i cant even focus on my life being in ruins because i am obsessing about some stupid woman and a situation i have no power to fix. living in the PAST.

what do you do when someone doesnt want to talk? you LEAVE THEM ALONE.

yeah i guess this would have been a lot easier if i just met the person and we didnt have a History Of Friendship. OR if i were angry at them. but i wasnt angry at them. (They were more angry at ME.) i was scared about losing them. i know i said that directly at some point. but that didnt start a conversation. if she really wanted to talk she would ahve talked. however i feel bad about not saying “WE NEED TO TALK” until way too late. and i said something like “please lets communicate better, i feel our friendship is hurting” bla bla bla. yeah we both could have been better but i am desperate to have not been The Bad Guy.

but thats really not the way to look at it. i mean who dumped who? who ended the rel? She did. without a doubt. unequivocal. and this is really all that matters.

oh but its my fault cause i PUSHED her to dump me.

well maybe she was pushing ME to dump HER by being so difficult and distant and Stonewalling. i thought i determined she was doing That Thing gurls do when they are too scared to dump you, so they make YOU dump THEM by being bitchy and awful to you, and any self-respecting person with boundaries will say, i dont desreve this, im out, im done, but i did not of course, i just got more worried and anxious and desperate.

my desire to save the rel pushed me toward her, to talk, in my own fooked up way. her desire to leave the rel pushed her away from me and my shitty efforts. if she wanted to stay in or fix the rel, that would have pushed her toward me.

i was also emotioanlly compromised because we used to have something pretty good, and that was disappearing, starting to deteriorate, blatantly being lost, things where obviously worse than the past, when they were good, and that made me more desperate to save it.

i fooked up, she fooked up, it might be impossible to Apportion Blame so i have to Let Go of that desire.

but in a way i feel like its impossible for me to make the same mistake twice here. what seems much more likely is simply never meeting someone i have feelings for in the first place!

i wanted to stay in and talk about. she wanted to get out and not talk about it. this is a true 180 and might be true Irreconcilable differences.

hehehe it only takes one to make irreconcilable differences. the one who has no fooking desire to reconcile.