RELATIONSHIP INVENTORY

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ok i am doing the “relationship inventory” in my “getting past your breakup” book by susan elliott, page 136, this is supposedly important, and should take 1 to 2 weeks to complete, and then you write a letter you dont send, and then have a letting go ceremony, and then also its good to say “i forgive them” even if you dont really want to forgive them, its more for YOU than for THEM. its more so YOU let go of the past. shit i will say just about anything, give them false forgiveness, sure hahahaha

1   make list of all the positive things about the relship. not about the PERSON (that comes later) but about the relship. ok this is tricky but give it the ol college try.

it was great to feel close to a woman

great to feel love

felt intimacy. even though a lot of this stuff is one sided, coming only from me, and is not shared by her, is a fantasy. or where we were kinda close once, she shut down and pulled away as i was trying to maintain / get closer.

had fun just peacefully being around her, spending time

never felt rushed or judged

sense of “two peas in a pod”, sense of shared values, well this might be more about her than the relship per se.

sense of being understood

being cared for and liked

the connection, again prob overestimated in my mind

see a lot of these might be more HER than the relship. or they will overlap. i like that she seemed to like me. even just as a friend.

we got along instantly, talking very normally and naturally, no nervousness or awkwardness, instant connection

it was nice to have built a foundation of real friendship, that later turned into deeper feelings. i never thought i could do this, it had never happened before. in the future i think this would be the ideal way to start a rel, to be friends first. but jeezum crow it might also make the heartbreak worse if they reject you. but they also have the power to reject you nicely and not horribly like she did!

it was something i have always been missing in my life and i thought i finally found the One to have a special rel with. the closest thing id had to a Special Rel in many years. filling a big sad void in muh life.

that at one time i was a pretty special friend to her, i was in her Inner Circle, she trusted me, she liked me more than any woman had liked me in years, even without being Romantic, just liking a person in general. that was real nice, being liked and held in high regard, and it hurt greatly to be knocked down pegs, put into “doghouse.” to be liked then they LOSE INTEREST. for WHATEVER reason. hurts like hell. cuz you compare the shitty current situation to the good old days. it might give comfort to know THEY are hurting too…. i dont know. cuz you always want to contact them. but you shouldnt.

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2. make a list of  all the positive qualities about the person. write down all the traits that you liked and were important to you.

that she accepted me for who i was

that we shared values and way of looking at world and were like “two peas in a pod”

she was really nice, a nice, warm, caring, loving, kind, gentle person, and i liked being treated that way.

she was not promiscous.

she had never had a promiscuous phase.

she had a low number of lovers.

she trusted me enough to tell me very personal stuff, made me feel close and trusted and valued

she was very family oriented

introverted and not super social, not 100000000000 friends

did not party, go to bars, do drugs, drink too much

she was chill, not super dramatic, very laid back for a woman

she was not fake or phony

she was innocent and not super jaded, partially due to not being with too many men

she preferred staying at home with family than out partying with party peers

she was very attractive but in sort of a weird way, very unique, not like other “pretty gurls”

she did not use a lot of makeup

she did not dress like a slut

she was not obsessed with fashion

she was good with money and responsible

she seemed mature and reserved and wouldnt do anything stupid

really liked some physical aspects, like her hair and legs and skin and shoes and way of dressing and eyes and mouth and nose and face and long arms and legs and nice hips and bottom o god…. very pretty gurl. at first i thought she was weird looking but later i came to FULLY appreciate her beauty and everything abotu her physically. would have been very satisfied. i was VERY attracted to her. boioioioioioing.

she was capable of a long term rel and her first boifran was a long term rel that lasted for 4-5 years of her youth when she could have been out slutting it up

she did not like other girls for being phony and dramatic and stupid

she liked good music

we had a lot in common with our values. do no harm, treat each toher the way you want to be treated, dont be a phony, not materialistic, stay away from bad influences, introverted, hard to really fit in anywhere, not a lot of friends, hard to make friends and lovers, quiet, shy, cautious.

she had a VERY low number of men, like less than 3!

took her relships seriously and did not seem to throw people away like forgotten garbage hahahaha

did not have casual sex or treat sex casually

she didnt have any children

she was young, ie under 25 hahaha

she did not take the pill, i dont think, and i prefer women who dont take the pill.

oh yeah wanted to make sure i included that part about the pill. i did!

i liked that she was interested in conspiracies and “red pill” sort of stuff and standing apart from the mainstream sheeple.

i liked the way she dressed, modest and not all “Sexy” and slutty.

she like spending time with her family, her mother and grandparents and siblings.

she would be sitting at home on saturday night hanging out with her family or doing nothing, rather than getting slutted up for a night of Clubbing and Dancing and Casual Sex with a bunch of other Sluts seducing scumbag guys.

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3. write down five special things they did for you, or five special times in the relship

well near the end, she stopped really DOING ANYTHING for me, and the only benefit were my own internal feelings of luv.

she helped me out with getting medical herbal supplements hahahaha very quickly and reliably hahahaha.

when we went to the park in july 2014 and she said i was a good friend and at that time i felt like she might like me and i felt ambivalent and awakwrd and this turned into my biggest regret, that i should have taken that oportunity to make out with her or at least talk about feelings right then and there.

going to dinner in aug 2014 and it seemed nicer than the other times we went to dinner, prob because i was right on the cusp of liking her

going to fun concert in sept 2014, that kinda sealed the deal and i was very very close to the Big Change

went to her house in feb 2014 when she was still with long term boifran. at that time i wanted her to work things out with him, i did not want her. i got along with him fairly well too. we just all hung out together and in the future i tried to go to her house again but she wasnt interested hahaha.

we worked at another job together and we would hang out afterwards and talk and those talks got increasingly intimate. really i should have shared more though. there were at least 3 or 4 of these, sometimes we would go to lucnh or coffee shop. these things made me feel closer to her. and probably her to me. but in the sense that we were Close Platonic Friends, but still not Close Nonplatonic friends!

when we were first getting to know each other and it was clear that we both liked each other (platonically, which is still kinda a big deal)

prob other stuff

when she confided important stuff to me and cried and i was there for her and she gave me a hug hahahaha so i LIKE being treated like a leftist beta crying shoulder, great. but yeah i did.

i got filled with Warm Fuzzies whenever she responded to texts, and she was pretty good about responding, which made me think she WASNT on the verge of getting rid of me. extra special warm fuzzies for smileys and the holy grail heart text.

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4… make a list of things your friends and family liked about them. were they the same things i liked about them?

dunno friends and family never met her hahahaha. just knew about her. just happy that i was hanging out with a woman, any woman, that i appeared to be friends with a woman for damn once in my life.

yes i liked that too!

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5. make a list of things i liked abotu them, that friends and family did not like. what kinds of things put me at odds with friends and family? did i feel the ex was misunderstood? or suspect my friends/family were right? did i try to make excuses or explanations for the behavior?

ehhhh not really. again they never met her. well other than my one male work friend knew of her. but he never talked to her, never knew how i felt until it was all over. and when i invited her to come with me to his get togethers, she naturally never accepted. i was worried she would then show up with some other guy and that would be really stupid. no that didnt happen.

they prob wouldnt like that she was living in sin with her old boifran! but really she was 900000000 times less “sinful” than the average adulterous, fornicating slut! who does many sins with many men!

actually we did have a mutual friend from our old job. but i sorta drifted away frm this person, and they never knew of muh feelings for her.

either female friend drifted away from this person too, or if not, told them what a psycho i was. or not? i thought about emailing this person just to say “we had a big falling out” and also to defend myself. but i didnt do this.

i was about to finally inviting her out to come meet my friends and family…….but she never wanted to hang out by that point.

maybe i should have invited her to meet friends and family earlier, like when we still got along. and that would have made her like me hahaha. i dunno. it doesnt matter.

i met some of her friends and family and got along with them pretty well. didnt see them a lot though. cuz i didnt see HER a lot!!!!!!!!!

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6. make a list of all the negative things about the relship. not about HER, but things unique to that RELSHIP. like couldnt go out with friends when i wanted to, having to check in with ex, etc

near the end it wasnt really a relship at all, she had already checked out, i was doing everything

it was one sided, i luved her, she didnt luv me

the communication was AWFUL and nonexistent

it wasnt a real relationship. it was largely a fantasy in my own mind only

there was no mutual luv

we never hung out

it was a total one way street, one sided all the way, totes

that it ended in the worst possible way, or at least such a bad way. no it was really bad. it really hurt.

that is was just like every other Luv Rel I’ve had: the woman had no feelings for me.

it never really BEGAN. but in my heart it was so real. hahahaha.

overally, in the end, ultimately, the relationship was net bad, not net good. at the end of the day, the bad outweighed the good. on the balance sheet of the rel. damn. it was A Bad Rel. just a huge disappointment. the good shit was not worth all the bad shit that happened later. i wish i had never met her and had never gone through this pain, even if thru the pain i am growing as a person. yeah and i am also suffering like hell. its not a what doesnt kill you makes you stronger thing, it feels like a what doesnt kill you just fooking destroys and devastates and makes you WEAKER. kills you slowly. eats away at you and makes you half the man you used to be. and you were super strong before! and now you are permanently ruined and BROKEN. hehehehe.  god i hope not. i hope i can truly bounce back and GET OVER this.

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7. make list of all your ex’s negative qualities. focus on aspects of ex you really disliked and wanted to change.

that she was horrible about communicating with me and avoided talking or dealing with anything

that she was more friendly to everyone else than me!

she stopped giving me moral support at job

she stopped liking me as a friend

she never liked me as anything more

she didnt return my feelings

she ignored and avoided me when i wanted to talk to her the most

she pulled away from me

she didnt have feelings for me

she never wanted to hang out with me

she would ignore the elephant in the room

she wouldnt respond to important stuff

she could be really cold

she would show other people her good qualities and me her bad cold qualities. she really put me in the “doghouse!”

she didnt want to save the rel

she dumped me, she decided all by herself to end it

that she never told me about her new boifran but told other people. why not me?

that she was very not self-reflective and could not see when she was being ridiculous to me, or hurting me. never thought she was doing anything wrong to me, never wanted to apologize to me. she was always the good guy, i was the bad guy. she didnt think she was doing anything wrong. she didnt need to communicate with me.

very bad at Empathizing with me.

she had no desire to communicate with me.

she became like a totally different person when things were going back, and i could not get back to the “good old” version of her. i was shocked she could be so out of character and change so much.

i wanted her to show more respect to our long and good friendship.

that she changed completely it seemed. from someone i knew and liked, to someone i didnt know and was a evil alter ego. it was confusing and horrifying like a nightmare.

she did something fairly immoral a few years ago that was not cheating, i will not go into detail here, but it was a thing i found pretty controversial, but accepted it as part of her life. but now its kinda a warning sign: if a person can do that, they can do ANYTHING, including cheat, including throwing long term friends away without a word.

that she liked me once and then blatantly seemed to not like me.

for the past 5 months at least, she was AVOIDING me in any way she could. avoiding hang outs, talking, communicating, inviting me to things she might have invited me to in the past, making any effort to make me feel valued.

that she jsut LOST INTEREST in me. she was once nice and kind and warm and made an effort; then she TOOK THAT AWAY and just didnt care about me any more. this was prob because i was sending signals i had feelings, and she could not handle that like an adult hahahaha.

that she was kinda a classic victim. she portrayed herself as a helpless victim with the sad horrible life. victim mentality. that is potentially manipulative in a weird way. possible red flag.

she was stuck in the past grieving for things/people she could not change.

she was always on the defensive so you were always the bad guy for wanting to talk to her.

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8. make a list of all the positive quals that turned into neg quals for me over time. eg they were neat and clean but this turned out to be OCD or they nagged you for being a slob (all these examples are given by the book, not me.)

uhhh not sure. i got jealous when she turned off her good qualities for me, and showed them to other people.

she became a mirror negative image of herself once i dev feels for her.

she became a totally different person that i did not recognize. very disturbing and unsettling.

a net good rel gradually became a net bad rel.

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9. think back to beginning of rel and make list of all the warnign signs. arguments early on? some behavior clue? capable of hurting you deeply? loud and clear warning signs? what did i do? not do? rationalize it? ignore it? what could i have done? why didnt i? compromises or bargains made with self? price paid for that?

not sure. there were some arguable warning signs regarding her family, mainly lack of strong father figure, that would predispose her to behaving like an emotionally disturbed whore. but she never became one of those. i was on the lookout for that. but that never happened.

possibly the theory that because she had been abandoned, she could then possibly abandon someone else.

this was a very subtle warning sign tho. she seemed too NICE to do soemthing like this tho.

note: these are more “risk factors” than “warning signs.” they dont necessarily GUARANTEE a person is gonna turn out a certain way.

i was keenly aware and looking for warning signs and the father thing was really the only one. that is a risk factor for you being a bipolar whore. since she was not a bipolar whore, but veyr nice, chill, not crazy, and not whorish, i didnt think about any other possible manifestations/symptoms, like she would be very good at abandoning and freezing out.

that she stuck in bad rels longer than she should have? if anything i liked that because it meant she was loyal and willing to work on shit. and she was the exact opposite with me.

that she chose men who were distant or not really in luv with her? she chose emotionally unavailable men, perhaps reminded her of her father. so naturally she would not choose an emotionally available guy like me. in fact, we became friends when i was kinda emotionally unavailable. when i became available, and she became available, thats when problems started!

she confessed something to me that kind of shook my image of her at the time, no not cheating. anyway maybe this could have been a potential warning sign? but it would be kind of hard to find a woman who doesnt have a few skeletons in the closet, be it cheating, or abandoning a person, or having open rels, or doing this particular thing. come on. cant have too high standards hahaha. but it was still a possible warning sign that she could just throw a person away like she did to me, when they become inconvenient. just avoiding or ignoring a situation, pretending it never existed, deleting them entirely, that kind of thing. it did hint at that capability. i dont like the idea and i thought for sure i could never come to like someone, AFTER they told me something like that. but i did!

not sure if i made any compromises or bargains. i was well aware of these warning signs and used them to Vet her. used them as tests to exclude her! but she seemed to pass all the tests and to be a good decent person in spite of any hurdles, and after all that, i fell in luv!

that she jumped so soon into a new rel with a new boifran, and kinda kept it secret from me, but told other people. but why not me?

i said well no way shes over her first rel yet. but all bets are off now, i’d like to break them up and get with her by any means necessary. cuz she obviously doesnt know whats best for her any more. but i do!

that she was terrible about communicating to her beta orbiter in 2013 that she had a boifran and was not interested.

but i thought that jsut because we were Good Friends, she would always communicate stuff to me. NOPE.

yeah there was not a ton of warning signs here. i was like a HAWK looking for warning signs cuz i can see warning signs a mile off. i was looking for any reason to disqualify her. but she seemed to overcome the risk factors and be a decent person. anythign else was real subtle. thats why shit was SHOCKING when it ended.

although that technically had a “warning sign” in that she had been distant in the months up to the big split; but i chose to ignore it in favor of her positive mixed signals.

i am so critical, i think EVERYTHING is a warning sign. so, its hard for me to recognize ACTUAL warning signs. like i am so overly critical, i’m gonna have to accept some imperfection of course. but will i be happy to make that compromise, or bitter? with her i was happy to accept her imperfections because the good way outweighed the bad.

i did not like that her short term new boifran was a different race. this is because i am a racist, hahaha. but honestly i, at this point in my life, would prefer a woman of my own race, who prefers men of our own race. i dont think shell go back to dating men of this race, and this was certainly the first time for her, but it was just disappointing. i would have preferred that she never had any interest in such a thing. oh lord this is gonna make me sound like the bad guy., a horrible racist. but funny instead of saying things i would say about other “race mixing women” like “oh that dirty white trash mud shark, enjoy having mud babies and being beat by your black bull, like to see you in 10 years when you are total trailer trash, etc, one of those fat white women who dates only black men, wow how trashy” that kind of racist stuff hahahaha. but OH WELL IMMA RACISS, get used to it. and yet here, because i was so in luv with her, i didnt even really THINK about that racial aspect, but MAYBE it was a warning sign? that she was not the woman i wanted her to be? i dont even know, im grasping at straws here. but i know i didnt like it. i would have preferred she briefly date a white scumbag than a black scumbag, if she HAD to date a scumbag, and pretty likely she DID.

i mean i dont care if my friends date out of their race, as long as the person treats them well. but i prefer to date within my race, and i feel particularly bad if a gurl i want to date dates another race guy instead.  yeah and theoretically its better for her to date a good black guy than a bad white guy. but this was just a scumbag guy!

anyway like i say, “warning signs”, im the type to view EVERYTHING as a warning sign of “shes a degenerate whore.” she’s been with 2 guys or more, warning sign. her parents are divorced, warning sign. and really she cant do anythign about her father being a deadbeat hahaha she didnt choose that, the way she chooses wrong men. but she chooses wrong men because her father was a deadbeat!

or if a gurl wears makeup, its a warning sign. she takes the pill,warning sign. well there are women who do not wear makeup and who do not take the pill, and she was one of these “natural” women, and i liked that.

but yeah most women take the pill, waer makeup, dress like whores, have been with 10+ guys, have tons of abortionz, is this a “warning sign”? then 99.99999999999999% of All Women show Red Flags that they are not Relationship Worthy!

there were small warning signs that i took note of and happily chose to look past, would gladly accept for the goodness of being with her. the huge good would have vastly outweighed the tiny bad. even in hindsight i can see the “warning signs” were not terribly bad. just small shit that is still better than the Average Woman.

well there were not really warning signs in her early on. but there was stuff in the final 5 or 6 months which were signs that shit was ending, on the outs. like her avoiding me all the time, the growing distance, not inviting me to things that i would invite her to and she would say sorry already going just not with you; no desire to become closer or to stop pulling away.

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10. write down 5 most hurtful incidents to you in the rel. what was done? what was said? apology that it would never happen again? did it? promises not kept?

hehehe i apologized over and over and over again for bugging her to hang out. i promised to act better and not bug her to hang out or talk hahahaha. i behaved for a few weeks or a month, then i broke my promise and started bugging her again. because i really wanted to talk hahaha. why is it so wrong that i wanted to communicate?

she never really promised or apologized anything to me hahaha cuz i was the bad guy, she didnt have to do shit.

when i went to visit her at work and i was acting like a beta bitch and she snapped at me and said go away! go away! and i was like ok. and was shocked. and then i came crawling to her apologizing for being a weird beta. but i wanted her to apologize to me too. but she never did. she didnt think she did anythign wrong. i kind of thought she did. i would have liked her to recognize that she was being ridiculous. but she never saw this. i just apologized and said im sorry to be weird and i know you hate being bugged but i feel like our relationship is suffering and i want to save it and i dont want to lose you! and she never responded to these concerns.

i was no angel, but it was very frustrating how she could not see how she was hurting me, how she saw no need to communicate about elephant in room. bbbbbut she was more Empathic And Compassionate and PErceptive than that!

NOPE! she WAS compassionate, but she was NOT very Empathic or Perceptive, to me at least!

when i met her at the thing in july 2015 and it was immediately SO AWKWARD. it was like she didnt want to be seen with me, just wanted me to go away. but i didn’t. maybe i should have! but i wanted to hang out with her and here she was! plus i thought we just needed to work on things and they would get better! i didnt realize it was The End right then and there! but it was so awkward. i fought to make it less awakwrd and i succeeded. but im not sure she did a damn thing. i apologized for being weird. shit. she could have apologized for being weird. after this event we never talked again ever at all by any means. but yeah that event in july 2015 was the first time i “hung out” with her in 10 months, since sept 2014. that whole time she had been pulling away from me and seeing her now was just really really bad. it was a bad sign. it was pretty clear it was the end and by god that was horrifying becuase i didnt want it to be the end. yeah this one was a very hurtful incident indeed. hurts just to try to remember it, and to revisit it. it was all so wrong.

when i tried to talk to her afterwards and she just ignored me.

when i saw her at the job and she just ignored me.

she was done with me and wasn’t gonna say antyhign about it, yet she was ready to ignore me to my face every day.

well, she was just overwhelmed, as was i.

when i went to unfriend her possibly, and saw she had unfriended me first. and had NOT sent a message explanation, like i would have done if i had unfriended her first!

when she blocked me about 4 days later.

she had read one of my last emails begging for more communication, please lets just talk and get things back the way we were….and she had no desire to do that.

she wouldnt talk to me, and it was terrible to hear her talking to other people, hear her laughing.

when she walked into the office she would go right past my desk and i would look at her with desperate sad pleading begging puppy dog eyes as she walked right by me, but she never even LOOKED at me! because i was the bad guy, and she was DONE with me! done with a 2.5 year friendship just because I was Too much to handle and she didnt want to talk to me!

so yeah i am ANGRY about that.

regardless of my feelings, and regardless of how Pushy and Weird I was, I felt our Long History ENTITLED me to a Better “Breakup” than this.

and i wash shocked because nothing really hinted that she could Deeply Hurt me like she did!

she sorta implied or strung me along (not really a PROMISE) that we would hang out and talk SOMEDAY. it seemed INCONCEIVABLE that we wouldnt. i just had no idea when. this month? next month? two months? and she could never reassured me on that. so i said PATHETIC things like “i will stop bugging you this month to hang out, if you can REASSURE me that we will hang out NEXT month.” can we hang out next MONTH. come ON.

(altho im thinking in the future that if i hang out with a woman and we have a mutual good time, then i should set up the next “appointment” while we are still on the first one hahahaha. like i had fun, how about you? yes? wanna do this again? how about 2 or 3 weeks? ok pencil ya in for 7 pm saturday 2 weeks from now, see you then!  like when i see my shrink, we set the appointment for next appointment at the end of the current appt. depending how bad i am, we do 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 weeks.

then bitches would say this is “mechanical” or “not spontaneous” or “not fun” or “autistic” or “awkward” or “weird”. but i think its a great idea. if you can find a woman who can go along with this GREAT IDEA, good!

actually what would happen is, you text her the day before and say “still wanna go out tomorrow”? then they will 40% say “no sorry gotta cancel” or 60% not say anything, not respond. then you text them a few more times and look like a weirdo. and text them the next day, the day of, still no response, and they remember you as a weirdo creeper, and you remember them as a rude bitch.)

also i was angry that she went with this other guy to a concert in feb and didnt even ask me. then i got jealous of him. cuz he was more handsome and cool and successful and she probably blew him hahaha. at least. she was not very social and i thought i was in her Inner Circle of close friends. i didnt just think i was some periphery friend. she didnt have a LOT of friends and I thought I was Inner Circle of Close special friends. so for her not to even mention antyhign to me was disappointing. i made a joke abotu it like oh wish you had invited me, wish i could be as cool as him! and then she said i am a way closer friend than he is. yeah right.

but i was more hurt by how i heard abotu a big concert in the summer and asked her if she wanted to go with me, and she said sorry already got tickets. and i said i wish you would have asked me! and then she said she didnt think i would want to go. and i said yeah i think it would be fun, and a fun thing for us to do together. then she said oh now i feel bad. and i thought good, you should hahahaha. anyway the tickets sold out very fast so. by the time the concert happened, i had left the job and we were FINISHED.

i just felt very SNUBBED. i know i was once an inner circle of close friends and probably would ahve gotten an invite. now i was being pushed out in the cold and did not even get an invite. that hurts. but i guess the throwing away of me occurred gradually hahaha. maybe this was a WARNING SIGN as well.

well i liked that i told her right away that i was disappointed in not being invited. cuz i was! so i was honest about that. so at that point you can either do something to Make Up, or the person can say, who are THEY to feel disappointed i didnt INVITE them? I dont invite them places any more because they are a little bitch like this! no fun! there are PLENTY of guys who are more FUN!

anyway that was like 3 to 4 months into The Feelings. tension was definitely growing by then.

i guess i coulda said “well ive just been missing you and i think these would be good chance to hang out and I get hurt when you invite other people and ignore me.”

but i think what i said was good enough. if she were serious about Not Losing Me should could have done something to make it up to me and show she cared about me. like letting me hang out with her even ONCE.

also when i asked her do you wanna go to this concert in august and she said sorry already got tickets i didnt think you wanted to go. and i said yeah i did, i thought it would be something fun for us to do together. well have fun going without me and i’ll have have no going at all hahahaha. oh wait i already wrote this above.

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11. write down the things you feel you did wrong (not just what your ex said you did wrong, but what you TRULY feel you did wrong.) both things you did do, and didnt do. eg not speaking to them, being controlling

being pushy

being weird

being passive aggressive

trying to guilt trip her rather than just talking directly.

being afraid to talk about elephant in the room issues: how she felt abotu me in july, how i felt about her, her new boifran, etc. she was afraid to communicate but so was I. she was worse though hahahaha

so yeah i didnt neeed to let myself get so weirdand pushy. (see below, i didnt’ see that 11 and 12 were separate questions hahaha.) so as soon as i started being pushy, i could have said, nope not gonna be pushy any more, im just gonna write her an email right now, or said, we need to TALK. we dont need to HANG OUT, we need to TALK. can i CALL you, otherwise im sending you an email. period.

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12. write down any major incidents or issues in relship that stemmed from your own issues or your own behavior. was there somethign you did that led to a major blowup? anything you would take back if you could?

like how i ruined everything by being pushy to communicate hahaha annd not accepting that she didnt want to talk.

i wanted to communicate about obvious problems in our friendship too much, when i should have just ignored and avoided them, like she did hahahahahaha.

well i could have been clearer and more direct. instead of saying lets hang out, i could have said lets TALK.

well later on as i was sending her chat messages, they included more direct clear thoughts like our friendship is in trouble and i want to save it. so i became a little more direct.

i shoudl have just wrote her an email way earlier, like by january or so.

i should have talked to her in JULY (2014): how do you feel about me? do you want to make out with me? whos your new boyfriend?

i was wrong to be so pushy, but i was not wrong to want to communicate.

so, as soon as she and i felt myself being PUSHY, i should have sent her a long email.

and i regret being so cowardly and afriad abotu communicating with her.

when she snapped at me angrily at work, i was being very anxious and self pitying and pathetic. i found myself slipping into that along with the passive aggressive. it was kinda related. i was trying to guilt trip her into being nicer to me. im suffering take pity on me.

i should have just said directly, when you ignore me it hurts. can we do anything about this.

again it ALL stemmed from elephant in the room issues we were not communicating about. this affected ALL of the commuincation we DID have, like small talk became more shitty, passive aggressive, aggressive passive, self pitying, sarcastic, guilt trips, anger.

dont bottle it up, blurt it out.

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13. write down any significant statements would would have liked to say. what has gone unsaid? what would you say to them if you had one last chance to talk? also stuff that does not fit under above steps.

im sorry, i wish this had ended differently, i will always have feelings for you, promise me youll contact me if you ever find feelings for me. damn. but i was only pushing you because i really wanted to talk about this. i wish you had just talked to me rather than froze me out like this. talking would have been a lot easier for me to handle.

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do this over a week or two, then take 3 day break, then revisit lists and add to or star shit.

identify most important items on your lists. this includes:::

how you feel about losing the positive things.:::::::::::

how the fook do you think???? sad as fook! cripplingly derpressed for months. absolutely heartbroken to lose the luv of mah life. muh soulmate. The One. holy shit. think you know someone but you really dont. maybe you did? just the worst blinding pain i have ever experienced. world totally turned upside down. see the last 70 posts or so hahaha. good god. beyond rock bottom. devastated. destroyed. takes months and months to get over it. grief, anger, hatred, sorrow. never be the same. so sad to lose all the good stuff. i will never feel this way abotu a woman ever again. this is the last woman i will ever luv. shit. i will def die alone.

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how you feel about losing the negative things.::::::::

oh i see the point here. yeah i dont feel too bad about that, i say good riddance to that, i am glad to be rid of it, glad to be rid of the bad memory. how could i be such a FOOL? and be fooled and living in a world of Fear and Fantasy? and also her acting like such a monster, a person i did not know. i am glad to be rid of that person. and certainly the bad outweighed the good. there was more pain than good when all was said and done. good riddance to it all.

the person she became was like a nightmare. the shadow evil version of the person i became friends with, and fell in love with. a good person becoming a bad person.  i dont mind being rid of that bad person.

i like just washing my hands of all that bullshit.

ultmately the rel was more bad than good. it was good for a long time then it turned horrendously, tragically, mostly bad, which i wanted to fix, and she did not. so its GOOD to flush that net bad shit away.

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all the things you are angry and hurt about.::::::::

SO much. EVERYTHING. that she turned into a different person and totally sold me out.

that it ended so poorly. she could have written a fooking EMAIL.

that we had something actually good. and then she shut down, rejected me, was done with me. its not like the WHOLE THING was a fantasy. it started out actually good, and stayed good. the friendship was good. but it got realy weird the moment i got feelings, and that weirdness was just as much HER fault as mine. she didnt have to react that way.

to have something good, then LOSE it.

to have someone like you, then they STOP liking you. they LOSE INTEREST in you, and you gain interest in them at the same time!

the idea that she became an unknown stranger monster. like a horrifying metamorphosis. she changed a lot more than i did. she was one of my favorite people and now i cannot remember her in any sort of positive way. it didnt HAVE to be THIS disappointing. and it was shocking because so incongruent. this wasnt who she was!

that she hid the boifran from me when she told others. why didnt she tell me? did she think i liked her? did she like me? unanswered questions.

you know the RIGHT thing to do would be to do me the courtesy of talking to me before throwing me away. but you didnt do it because it was too hard and awkward, and more convenient and EASIER for you to take the easy way out. angry that she was so cowardly and spineless and chickenshit, that she would rather hurt me MORE than take on a little discomfort herself.

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all the things you will miss about your ex and the relship:::

she is a decent person and i really luved her. i just miss spending time with her and looking at her pretty face and body and wanting to cuddle with her; adn talking with her; and the High Feeling it caused in my brain. she was a Stimulus for Rare Drug Chemicals in my brain that its really hard to produce. not a lot of people can do that. i wanted to marry her one day and Start a Life with her and have Babbys. this was true luv mother fooker.

just miss spending time and being with her. and this is exactly what she cut me off of near the end. shit the last time we really hung out was september 2014. almost a year ago. that was the last time we hung out. THEN i got feelings, THEN i could NEVER get her to hang out with me again. the next time i sort of “hung out” with her was like 10 months later and she was so awkward, like she didnt want me to be there. and then we never talked again. damn.

all the things i wanted to do but never got to:

hang out with her more. hang out at home and watch tv and cuddle. other physemotional stuff. walks in the park. Romantic Dinner. holding hands in the movie theatre. all that bullshit i dreamed of and we never did and which i fantasized about.

it was the most substantial relationship i’ve had with a woman in like 8 or 9 YEARS. it was a better, longer relationship than women i’ve actually pseudodated, that i have made out with or even had secs with. i was way closer to her, than i was to those sluts. we actually had A Relationship where we knew each other. that is hard to lose.

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everything you want to say thank you for::::

for being my friend for 2 years and accepting me for who i was and having 2 good years. for being the best relship i had with a woman in many many years.

hehehe i said a lot of this stuff in this Inventory in my very moving emails which she never read or responded to!

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eveyrthing you want to say im sorry for :::::::

for making you feel uncomfortable by being weird. really i just wanted to talk about my feelings and our Relationship which was being affected.

for apologizing too much hahahaha. no really i was apologizing to her so much, sorry for being weird, sorry for bugging you, every time i talked to her, i apologized. and she saw me as Breaking Promises, becuase i kept talking to her and wouldnt just accept being thrown away like rubbish.

but yeah i am sorry for being passive aggressive and being a little bitch at times.

not confronting the issue clearly and directly and early enough.

not communicating clearly enough starting in july 2014. should just come right out and asked her about her boifran; asked her if she liked me; then this would prepare the way for me to talk about my feelings later.

 

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anything else.?

everything you forgive the ex for, i forgive you hahahaha.

yeah yeah i forgive you, i want to get over this and let go and move on, i forgive you eventually, i got to get over this. TRUST THE PROCESS.

then finally write The Letter and include all the most important shit from above. full sentences like a conversation. then have your letting go ritual. at that point you read the letter out loud with a witness present and lovingly let go of the person hahaha.

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