WASNT MEANT TO BE / IMPAIRED JUDGMENT

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no contact is best contact hahaha. ok no more contact. has it even been a month since i sent her The Final Email? I hope so.

ok i sent it aug 17, and so it was automatically deleted form my trash folder.

so, exactly one month today of no contact! good for me hahahaha.

of course reading mub breakup book “getting past your breakup”  learned that in some NC situations, the person DOES respond to you, and youre supposed to not respond to them. or maybe say “i want to go no contact, i am not going to respond to you any more. please do not expect a reponse from me. we need a clean break” or some shit.

it looks like SHE wants to go no contact with me!

but yeah its weird its like she was in love with me and i broke her heart the way she is acting!

i hate that thought. but it cant be true because if she were in love with me, then she would have Accepted Muh Invitation to the Dance Of Luv, and would have Melted when I confessed my feelings to her, and said yes yes yes i luv you too! rather than just going away.

when you are in a completely shitty dysfunctional relationship that needs to end, perhaps even abusive, or there is a huge power imbalance (i def had that, she had all the power, i was begging like a beggar from the queen); then the person who is being abused or at least just being shit on always finds a way to BLAME THEMSELF: “If i werent so shitty, if i didnt make this one mistake, then they would treat me better. i caused them to do this. i made them beat me because i was stupid and did something wrong and deserve this punishment. its my fault. i caused this.”

i definitely fall in to this trap! i think I am the root cause, that i started this, by being Pushy and Weird, therefore i deserved and caused her to react the way she did.

well in a true healthy relationship, she would want to communicate and talk, she would be willing to do that, rather than just Packing Her Bags and Checking Out.

Relationships involve some responsibility and even sacrifice, in the sense that you have to think of your partners feelings sometimes. its not all about you hahahaha. you have to care about them and not want to see them hurting. you have to be there for them. you want to help and support them. if they are begging for support from you that you are not giving…..not a good sign.

so very  simply, she was not interested in being in a rel!

i had already committed. i guess i committed back in october. but she never committed. she didnt HAVE to of course. thats a decision only she can make. it was just hard for me accepting that decision, plus i always wanted to hope for the best.

so yeah she never agreed to any committment or responsibility or sacrifice, so i cant really be mad at her right.

well i still say that our friendship obligated her to certain responsibilities, like talking to me when the friendship was in trouble.

anyway i was trying to say that in some no contact cases, the person who broke your heart contacts YOU or does respond to you. and that can result in various stuff: them wanting to be friends, or you arguing and things getting REALLY ugly.

well if she contacted me i would luv it, especially if she said “i was so wrong i really want to have a rel now” then i would say yes yes yes yes!

yeah it would have been WORSE if we had actually Gone Out! and done all sorts of stuff, and her showing me Love even more intense that the Niceness she had shown me in the past; and i would have even more Good Stuff connecting me to her…..and then if she were to sweep all that away and fall out of luv, yeah that would have been even worse.

so yeah it could have been way worse!

in my case, it NEVER REALLY BEGAN!

but it still hurts anyway becuase i DID know the person and were were (used to be) really friends. not just someone you pseudo date and fook for a few short months.

i was closer to her in our nondating friendship, for much longer, than i was to girls i pseudodated.

and pseudodating is the only kind of dating i know hahahaha! i would have liked to Actual Date muh female friend, but IT WASNT MEANT TO BE hahahahaa

i dont think she was released from her responsibilities-as-a-friend the moment i got more-than-friend feelings, ie, i no longer had the right to communicate with her, and she no longer has the responsibility to communicate with me. it was relevant to both of us to talk about How Our Relationship was changing. sure it was my “Fault” for getting feelings, but i dont apologize for that.

the book says people can jump into a new rel without resolving the lingering grief or pain from previous rels or losses or whatever. hahahaha this is not possible for low status men who are lucky to ever have a brief pseudodating rel with a woman hahahaha and then many years of single loneliness in between.

of course if you have a rewarding career its easier to be single and confident and secure….but the majority of people dont have rewarding careers.

i guess a Rich Social Life could also be good and confidence building. my social life is OK, but its certainly not at its strongest. when i was younger, i had more people i was closer to, whereas now, i seem to have more Walls Up and not willing to make a deeper connection.

i like to build up these Monstrous Fictions of peoples lives, just when people watching, and ASSUME THE WORST about them, when i have NO IDEA.

therefore i think everybody is a degenerate soulless nihilist cheater chav pleb idiot moron evil stupid filthy animal……..even though i have NO evidence.

example i caught myself in yesterday: i was sitting in the car finishing a Voice Recording before going into trivia and i saw two people from a Rival team pull up and go in, and i began concocting the Horror Story and telling it right then and there:

oh he’s a dorky beta male, but probably gainfully employed, no major emotional probs, not fat, he just looks kinda nerdy with his beard and glasses, but he is prob the perfect beta male, and theres his gurlfran with him, who seems like a nice person, but she is NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL, how can he be attracted to her??? because shes a nice person, and the only hope for a beta male, who is 1000000 times more successful and well adjusted and normal than me btw, for a longterm rel, is with an Unattractive Woman! I mean he is better looking than HER for gods sakes, those types of things bother me.

well maybe its not a monogamous rel, maybe they have agreed on an open rel where he can get action on the side, as well as her.

or maybe they have the worst kind of open rel, where he IS attracted desperately to an unattractive woman, but she’s not really attracted to HIM, and SHE wanted to have the open rel so SHE could get some Strange Dick on the Side, and he desperately agreed because it was the only way he could be with her in ANY way! and she is enjoying 10 strang dicks a day and he’s lucky if he’s had even 1 Outside Fling out of this Open Rel.

see? automatically assuming the worst, and often with huge anti-woman themes, or the woman is the villain, women more evil and degenerate than men, etc.

so i caught myself right there while i was recording it and said well maybe not. maybe they are just a happy, normal, boring couple, the end.

but yeah i always make up these ridiculous worst case scenario stories in my mind.

DONT DO THAT!

ask yourself, do i have ANY EVIDENCE for this ridiculous story im concocting?

probably not.

ok time to try out the new 3.6 miler hahahaha.

ok did that. not bad. beautiful day.

she not unfair because she didnt luv me, she was unfair in the way that she just threw me and our whole past away without….not “closure” per se, but rather not treating our relationship with the respect and dignity it deserved, in my opinion. we had a good friendship and it would have been hard to lose that even in a peaceful way. its like when a good person dies, you pay your respects at their funeral and grieve for them. you dont just throw them in a ditch and forget abotu them. something of value was lost.

for me more was lost than the friendship, but SHE still lost the friendship TOO and should have been more affected by that.  SHOULD hahahahaha see people like us get into the SHOULDS hahahaha. no nobody should do anything, you cant expect shit out of even your friends, dont trust anybody ever. sounds kinda NIHILISTIC hahahaha.

man linkedin is the worst shit ever.

i also am jealous of the woman being more successful at our shitty job than me. it was a weird job. it wasnt shitty shitty. it was the best job many people there had ever had. many 40+ people who were just recently completing Bachelors Degrees in INformation Technology from Devry or Southern New Hampshire College, rather than the Successful Middle Class Thing, wchih is complete a Computer Science Degree from at least a Second Tier Skool by age 22 and immediately start getting good experience.

(note well: i think the quality of education provided by some “crap online” college is just as good as that of a Normal Second Tier Brick and Mortar U. its just that the online skools are an even bigger scam because they cost more, and because employers unfairly discriminate against these people and filter out god damn candidates who have these skools in their education. and then you see people weeping with tears of joy for gettng their college degree in these commercials. absolutely disgusting.)

so many people would just not walk out of the job like i did, because it is the Best Job they’ve ever had!

it paid well but i was that desperate to get away from the female. plus i was resentful in that she was not willing to give me any more moral support on the job. she started out doing well at this, but the well ran dry. i resented her for saying bullshit like “just take it as it comes” and “dont let it bother you” when i wanted her to give me concrete technical tips to deal with the confusing shit.

then i got passive aggressive and would intentionally ask her ridiculous technical questions and she would say i dunno lol and i would say but its your job lol i just got one of these questions lol and basically wanted to point out that i was smarter than her and knew the job better.

this was after things started officially going downhill. because i really resented her refusing to hang out or talk to me.

out of the 10 months i was in luv with her, the first 3 or 4 months were “good”, and the rest was bad. first it was fresh and fun and exciting, the butterflies, warm fuzzies etc, then it got Crazy Making, because it wasnt going anywhere and i couldnt talk to her. thats when i started doing that passive aggressive shit. yeah it was wrong but still i dont think i deserved muh treatment.

so she got her moral support from other people and i was jealous; she greatly reduced the moral support she gave me and i was jealous; i got good moral support from other people, smart men who were full of smart technical insights, but i still resented her withdrawing.

sure i was leaning on her too much. i was treating her like muh lover when she had never agreed to anything of the sort. so yeah i did bring this all on myself hahaha i am the root cause, i made her do this hahahaha.

lesson learned is same as it ever was: just tell them about your feelings as soon as possible, within 3 or 4 months at the latest. period. otherwise it will just get ridiculously ugly. especially if you work together. in close proximity. in a very stressful, confusing, stupid job.

that pushes weak insecure people like me to their breaking point and then they quit!!!

so yeah i was wrong for being passive aggressive to her. im not even sure if she realized it though. by that time she was very obtuse and hard to read.

plus our job was to know technical shit. i asked ridiculous technical questions to my male moral supporters and they didnt mind.

i mean i didnt like being so weak and insecure that i NEEDED so much moral support. but it WAS a tough job and a CENTRAL PART of it was people getting CONFUSED and I DUNNO ALL THE TIME, that you NEEDED a chat room of Knowledgeable Smart Experienced People to Give Advice ALL DAY. Level 2’s advising the level 1’s because the level 1’s dont know the answer. this was normal.

well if it was up to me, the level 2s would be walking around helping you in person rather than the STUPID chat room.

and it would be easier to transfer a call to a level 2 rather than bang your head against the wall trying to figure something out that you didnt know while the caller was waiting for you to fix it as quickly as possible. and they dont understand this is normal, for people to not really know what they’re doing all day. but it is. it is really hard to adapt to. i dont know how i adapted to it. probably the moral support of muh female friend. then i started liking her, then the moral support stopped. damn.

oh well. its over and i have 1 full month of no contact now. but she is making shit tons of money now and i am making jack shit and will probably never get another job that pays that well again. never mind that job was not enough to own a home or have a family or live the upper working class american dream! and the health insurance SUCKED, and it was better NOT to get it, and only kicked in after ONE YEAR, which at least 60% of hires don’t make it to. that is the kind of place it was.

another 3.6 miler. not bad hahaha. ideally i will do one more.  got to get the 10 miles today.

now here comes the Misanthropic Contempt again, the Spite Towards Humanity, which i had before i was in luv, and which the luv sort of takes the edge off. well i think that our Platonic Rel kinda took the edge off of that too, since now i knew an Actual Woman who wasnt Degenerate Nihilistic Disgusting Promiscuous Stupid Scum like Crabs In A Bucket. or Maggots or Roaches Or Rats in a Bucket. disgusting vermin writhing and crawling all over each other hahahaha.

this is why its good to have female friends, so that women are more Human to you. yeah. so i would think welp its nice to know ALL women arent like that, like my female friend is a decent nice human being. wonder why i am not in luv with her. hmm. hahahahaha. then she ended with her longterm boifran and immed started dating a new guy and then i was in luv with her hahahaha.

now im like oops i was the bad guy and i caused this and i made her and i deserve this, because i was passive aggressive.

yeah not my finest hour.

if you start being passive aggressive then its time to blurt it out, thats a sign that things have gone bad. and they had. this was well after month 3.

uhh what if you do if youve already been rejected and you are being passive aggressive to the gurl.

uhhh i havent done that for 10 years, when i was in college hahaha and actually had cute gurls in the social circle, and they might reject me, or give me no signals, and i would “punish” them by being passive aggressive, getting drunk and being bitchy, becuase i didnt like being attracted to people who werent attracted to me hahahaha.

well they say to REJECT THE REJECTOR and i like that a lot!

meaning, dont seek approval from someone who doesnt approve of you, if they are gonna reject you, then you go ahead and reject them! you dont want someone who doesnt want you!

and then try to go no contact hahahaha.

i am thinking of a “mini crush” i had in 2005. i wasnt in luv with the gurl but i wouldnt mind some casual secs with her cuz she was qt. but i didnt have the charisma or Fun To Be Around to make college gurls want to have casual sex, and i got jealous when she showed interest in other men but not me. i had already been rejected by like 3 gurls that year hahahaha. so i know i got drunk and was bitchy to her, in the bitchy way that a beta male is to a woman who rejects him.

well, rejection is never fun for anyone and it is ok to be angry about it. but the problem is getting bitchily angry at them.

its probably ok to have a mature conversation with them and be like im sorry but i am kinda angry at you because when you say this i feel this and i know thats not what you mean, but lets talk about this and hug it out bitch hahahahahaha but honestly i did nt have great communication with this gurl either.

well i never hung out with her one on one and never got to know her and never spent a lot of time with her. i had less than 1% the connection i had with woman2015. so really i never communicated well on any level with this one gurl, we had no connection or no communication at all.

so big difference with woman2015, i did commuincate with her very well at the start. we talked a lot, and talked very easily, and became actual friends. none of that happened with that above college gurl.

just using an example hahahaha. from my life of failure with wimmin hahahaha.

MASTER OF FAILURE hahahaha (credit millennial woes). no success whatsoever. well, i have pseudodated gurls short term, and also had long term female friends hahahaha.  so therefore i am not a total woman hater. i am desperate to not be a woman hater. i have had SEVERAL female friends where i was friends with them for like 2 years, maybe more. like i had female friends when i was in college and i never fell in luv with them!

anyway real misogynists like elliot rodger never have any female friends ever. you cant be friends with a woman on a human level if you hate all women!

also i get along well with older menopausal women hahahaha.

however, all the women i became actual friends with, were NEVER UGLY. i wonder if this means something. i might not have been attracted to them at the time, like back in the day i was actively pursuing other women when i made my female friends; but they were never ugly. i do wonder about that. why didnt i even make friends with an ugly, completely unattractive woman?

well thats kinda ridiuclous to say. i mean its hard enough to make friends to begin with, LET ALONE women friends. so now i should turn down a female friend becuase she’s not UGLY enough? hell to the no!

i dont think you should be too rational or too emotional. i do think some emotion and irrationality is a good thing, as bad as it sounds. but 70 30, or 60 40 at the most hahaha.

with rational being the bigger number of course!

so degenerate, soulless, evil, nihilistic modern women simply have no respect for human life. at all. life is garbage to them. the way they treat human beings. replace them, dispose of them, murder their own children, play with loaded guns, let strangers try to reproduce with them casually, kill those offspring casually, revolving door of those strangers, they are like sociopathic rats.

well lets challenge this poisonous hateful misogynistic narrative. i dont really BELIEVE that, do I?

of course not! but it kinda feels like this sometimes.

moral of the story, have TWO female friends in case you fall in luv with one of them. then that can fail and go to hell, but you will still have another female friend to convince you that not all women are soulless evil, and that you are not a hatefull, violent, abusive woman hater! because otherwise you wouldnt have a female friend!

because women haters cant have female friends, ugh. because. /sarcasm.

hehehe. this is the type of collegefag middle class marxist response where you give them a huge slap on the face with yo dick. becuase they are just trying to troll you and nothing you can do or say will keep you from being a woman hater, even if you volunteer 80 hours a week at an abused womens shelter. then you would be treating women as “charity volunteer porn fetish objects and dehumanizing them” or something.

but yeah its a lot easier to fool yourself into thinking youre a horrible woman hater IF you have no female friends. otherwise you could jsut ask your female friend am i a woman hater, and she would say of course not, dont be ridiculous.

thats the other thing about being a depressed anxious depressed master of failure. is that you question your own judgement. you just dont know if you are right. you are not confident you are right. because youve been wrong SO MANY TIMES before. even if you are pretty smart. youve still been so wrong about so many things. important things. life decisions. jobs, skool, relationships. you being pretty smart has not kept you for being horribly wrong on so many things.

so you doubt your own judgment. you feel your judgement is somehow IMPAIRED. like with drugs or alcohol.

well my judgment was right about other things. like i dont think it was a bad decision to fall in luv with female friend. it wasnt really a decision anyway, plus it also pretty much made sense: i had known her for a long time, she had a lot of good qualities, not a lot of bad qualities.

also i managed to do pretty good at my stupid job, where you have to think and bullshit on your toes, live by your wits, and only the strong survive, and i did, so therefore i was strong.

oh yeah got the 10 miles in. 10.8 actually hahahaha. still fat. need to bump it up.

cant get a 10DAH job, cant get a woman under 30 who hasnt take 30000 cox and had 30000 abortionz, soulless evil nihilist sociopaths hahaha, but i can walkjog 10-12, 12-14, 14-16 miles a day and move from fat to skinny.

i am not so autistic and weird that i dont have friends thank god. however i am not super duper close to them, i kinda want CLOSENESS, and i used female friend for that, and had a fantasy world where we were really close,  i wanted to be CLOSE to her. she decidedly did NOT want that. that sucked hahaha. but the fantasy of closeness was convincing and made me feel like i WAS close to her, when i wasnt. now i dont feel close to anyone! well my new male friend from my job i quit, i had/have a mancrush on him, feel a connection and a closeness that is kinda like what im looking for, and he is fun and we get along and he makes me feel normal and not a psycho weirdo hahaha.

my other friend has so many problems and kinda disappoints me so i dont WANT to be too close to him!

i have other friends that i do trivia with but….. i dunno. i dont feel motivated to hang out with them outside of trivia! i like them just fine, and trivia is fun, but….i dunno. me and my damn connection and spark and all that shite. i dont really want to get any closer there!

basically the only person i wanted to even GET close to was her. and i was harshly rejected there of course. with extreme prejudice! didnt expect that out of a person i had know for 2.5 years, didnt seem part of her character. incongruous. dissonant hahaha. have i said this hahaha.

in the military i would be a DESERTER.

although i would not have deserted her, or any other woman i LOVED hahaha.

skills gap. weird. all these unemployed people are unemployable because they just dont have the SKILLS needed for minimum wage jobs.

are the stupid college not giving the skills? or are they? where do you get the god damn skills employers want? if its not college, then why go to college? so many people going to college and getting their degrees in their 30s 40s and 50s and they STILL get the shittiest jobs. on the phone all day being confused for 12DAH and no health care hahahaha.

kids going into college dont know how to read or write. kids graduating college dont have the skills to get an entry level job. wtf. this is what will lead to a revolution among the young. some awesome neoreactionaries. i can get into this movement. but its already a young mans thing, and they woudl be able to steal any cute young gurls from me hahaha i wish i was young again! thats what i really want. but it is not possible. cannot be done.

but yeah it sucks to be Cognitively Compromised just because you are Emotionally COmpromised. because being able to THINK STRAIGHT QUICKLY is essential to survival and employment. and mating. cuz you gotta be FUN TO BE AROUND for women to like you hahaha.

i have always been SEEKING WOMENS APPROVAL.

well isnt that kind of good and normal?

i see it as part of being a Social Animal and you need different kinds of Social Ties: Family, Friends, and then Special Luv Relationships.

heh. i mean i think its ideal to have more women in your life than only your mother hahahaha. even if you get along with your mother.

then its good to have female friends.

then its good to have female Special Friends.

so i am not Misguided as to what i think is degenerate: casual sex, cheating, throwing people away, hedonism, abortionz, partying, but i might be overestimating where/who i see that, that is, thinking someone is a degenerate when i dont really have any evidence of degen behavior.

WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE, ask yourself.

i mean sometimes there is evidence of course, like when you know this gurl has fooked all these guys. you know which damn guys by name. she has fooked antonio and biff and charlie and dougie and leroy and rodney and tyrone and jamal and mohammed and iqbal and jorge and horxo and javier and  etc hahahaha.

yes i am ashamed of many things abotu myself but i am not ashamed to be a racist ahahaha.

anyway, always ask for the evidence when you make a story about somebody being a degenerate.

more for your OWN benefit than for THEIR benefit. because it eats away at you to be so hateful and misanthropic. but sometimes its hard NOT to be!!!!  this is probably part of the Cognitive Distortions of derpression i suppose.

but yeah employers want critical thinking and all that bullshit that useless degrees like the humanities claim to teach you “CRITICAL THINKING” but they dont, because you cant even get a 12DAH job that wants you to use CRITICAL THINKING.

so yeah i think critical thinking is a good thing in the sense that it is actually intelligent logical complicated abstract complex smart thinking, and not marxist relativist degenerate nihilist nothing is right nothing is wrong there are no values, there is no meaning. etc.

and dont confuse critical thinking with critical THEORY, in which there is NO actual critical thinking. critical THEORY is marxist graduate skool bullshit, total nihilism, that wants to deconstruct everything because its racist and oppressive and its ok to be a soulless nihilist sociopath killing your babies and throwing away your family and friends like rats squirming as they get drowned in a bucket.

 

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