ooo just missed valentines gay. hopefully by now i am over shit. and you too.

had a dream with the woman where i was getting cuddly with her. that was not necessary. thankfully it was kind of a fuzzy dream and i had other dreams after it to kind of wipe it out.

god damn obsession. hahaha was watching “snapped” again and there was the story of “melissa and jamie” where melissa had bipolar and depression and went nuts on jamie, who then left her, then she went really nuts, harrassing him with calls and texts. im not sure if he ever responded hahahaha. then she confronted him at his job and shot him in the face but he survived, just lost his eye, and she pled guilty to….not attempted murder but aggravated assault or some shit. for the Victim Impact Statement he said how much pain she had caused him, and she just smiled and said “I FORGIVE YOU” rather than showing any remorse for shootng him.

he felt she had betrayed him by shooting him, she felt he had betrayed her by leaving her.

anyway they had a 2 year rel in which they were engaged to be married. she started going gradually crazy, losing her job as a graduate student instructor at the ohio state university where she was doing a masters degree in chemistry. this is a pretty serious skool and probably not easy to get into grad porgrams and also a grad degree from there would guarantee you a nice middle class life. she was on the cusp of big success but lost it because of her mental/emotional problems and bipolar. she apparently got fired from the teaching job because of personal conflicts with people there, inappropriate emails, maybe anger problems. then she had some other jobs but got “fired within a week.”  this is all around the time she supposedly had a miscarriage of triplet babies which nobody can prove actually happened.

anyway she said she JUST WANTED TO TALK to him hahahaha. so stalk him at his workplace and coerce him into talking with a gun. but she said she didnt really want to shoot him, and the “gun went off accidentally”. she realized she technically shot him and she understood shooting people was wrong, so she was not criminally insane. just severely emotionall distured.

basically i was like oh jesus i dont want to be like her. severely emotionally disturbed.

well that happened 2 months after the breakup for her.

oh yeah. the final straw for him leaving her was she threw all his stuff out in a dumpster one day. just threw everything out. kinda like when the women gets mad at the guy and throws all his stuff out on the lawn cuz he cheated. but he didnt cheat, she just went nutz from bipolar.

anyway i feel i was just thrown away. when you reject or dump somebody you can let them down easy, which i would have preferred! or you can scream and argue with them, which i think i would have liked better too; or you can just be thrown away like trash, which is what happened to me. very hard to handle. not the best kind of dumping.

anyway it hurts and it makes you angry.

but you have to take the high road and not do anything stupid.

they obviously dont want to talk to you, so you cant try to Just Talk To Them, then you look crazy and psycho and in the wrong, and OBVIOUSLY she was in the right for not communicating with this psycho, just throwing him away.

so thankfully i did not do that. but by god its been eating away at me and i can totally understand why a person would! you are that desperate for closure. also desperate to get back together with them hahahaha.

there will always be 9000000000000 unanswered questions, but two things are for certain:

  1. she wanted out of the rel with me, she wanted it to be done. over with. period. its over. “i know its over, it never really began, but in muh heart, it was so real!”
  2. she did not want to talk to me AT ALL. ever again. have it be over permanently with no talking.

so thats what we know about her position. dont know if she was angry, scared, annoyed, put upon, nervous, sad, stressed, or what. lets hedge our bets and say she was a complicated mess of negative emotions, of all these things. so was/am i hahaha.

but beyond those two things i dont know a damn thing. but those two things are enough to Communicate to me that no, she really doesnt want to Date me, and No, She really doesnt want to talk to me. ever. so me trying to contact her is stupid and useless. and it will slow down my Recovery hahahah.

but yeah it is incongruous for her to do something so hurtful to me. i expected her to be real gentle with me cuz she had always been a gentle kind person. so to have her be gentle to me, and then be fooking harsh as fook, was a total mindfook.

but people do incongruous things when they are overwhelmed, and in this case she just froze up and shut down regarding me. and it was insanely hard and painful for me.

i dont think she realized how painful this is when you do this to someone!

however it wont help me to contact her and say hey this is hurting me a LOTTTTTTTTTTTT please try to alleviate some of that.

well shit i ALREADY DID, that was a big theme of email4, The Final Email.

it would be devastating to a Confident Alpha Male to be THROWN AWAY by someone you care about, someone you hold in high regard, someone you LOVE, someone you really dont want to be thrown away by. and it was even more devastating to a low confidence man such as myself! its a miracle i didnt K myself!

it hurts to be THROWN AWAY by anybody, even people you dont like, let alone people you LOVE!!!! it is a total mindfook.

maybe it was just infatuation and not “LOVE” but its safe to say i Really Liked Her.

it is the worst way to end a relationship and i vow never to do this anyone.

this was not a case of drifting apart. this was a case of me reaching out and her throwing away.

but yeah when you get thrown away so harshly, you can either think:

  1. what the fook did i do to deserve this? jesus cripes, i must have done something REALLY REALLY EVIL to get punished in this way!
  2. fook that bitch! shes crazy to treat me like this! NO WAY did i do anything so bad so as to deserve THIS! crazy bitch!

i was not perfect, i was pushy and overbearing and weird, BUT i had a legit reason to be overbearing, and its not like i was abusing or stalking her. i was very anxious to commuincate with her abotu something fookin important.

jesus. i just want a damn courtroom trial to objectively assess the evidence of the case and find me Not Guilty of being a Monster who Deserves the punishment i got!

they could say yep he was not super smooth, but he deserved better than this.

it hurts less to get thrown away by someone you dont really care about, but someone you DO really care about? fook its like getting your heart ripped out!

whenever you fook or date or get to know a woman, make that among your List Of Interview Questions: have you ever Thrown Someone Away and never looked back? Did they really deserve it? What did they do to deserve it? does the woman have any second thoughts or regrets about doing that? why doesnt she try to make amends or improve karma? does she think doing this is bad karma? i sure think so hahaha.

so, you can say welp i deserved it, i fooked up, what did i do that was so wrong, and how can i learn from that in the future. well, i dont think i DESERVED this, but i did communicate not so smoothly, and i learned a lesson there abotu being more direct, and more timely, and not to dance around elephants in rooms for months and months, and to ask abotu feelings and rels, and how do you feel about me, and to blurt it out if it starts getting weird.

still the only thing that WARRANTS this is abusing or cheating on them.

OR, you can say well that person is a crazy bitch, why would they do that, they are Just Crazy.

but i cant say that, because i know she’s not Just Crazy, and this is Incongruous with her entire personality. so that makes it that much harder to accept. cuz i know she is better than this. but it happened nonetheless.

what else hahahaha.

i wonder if the people in that true crime story,when the guy moved out of the bipolar gurls house and left her, was there ANY final statement? or was she begging him for closure and him ignoring her? did he say anything to her? of course the fact that he moved out is closure enough you could say, just like her throwing me away is closure enough.

but it would have been good karma if he had given her a final statement like “im sorry but i just cant do this any more. i cannot reconcile our differences. i am done. i am sorry to hurt you. i wish you the best and hope you get help with your bipolar. i do not want to hurt you but i cant do this any more, i am done, im sorry, youre not a horrible person, it’s me not you, youll find somebody better. the end.”

try to feel respect for the human being you are hurting; if not respect, at least god damn pity for the pain they will be feeling. so you cant choose to love them, but you can choose to put them down softly, as opposed to throwing them down the god damn garbage disposal. softly put them down. say im sorry. say i know this is gonna hurt and im sorry for that. its not you its me. there is nothing you can do. so sorry.

ive never even rejected anyone and i know this.

i just thought she would say yikes i shouldnt have done that, i should apologize.

but apologizing would have risks for her because she would have to Open A Dialogue with me, and we would Have To Talk, and i would want to talk and talk and talk and talk and probably try to pressure her to change her mind, and she doesnt want that. ok fine.

well she could just refuse to respond to anything else i sent AFTER that, like write something saying “i wanted to apologize for how i treated you, however i dont want to get with you, and will not respond to anything else you send me, i am sorry for hurting you, this is the end.”

would be a brief way to get that point across.

it doesnt have to be perfect, but please just TRY hahahahaha. i tried good lord and by god i was far from perfect. it was me being so shittily imperfect that annoyed her so much and made her view me as a squirming kafkaesque vermin.

well maybe. i have no proof of that. inconclusive. incomplete information. so i shouldnt infer that. that is part of my problem. that is not being loving kindess to myself! i can just say welp well never know, because incomplete information. we only know

  1. she wants this to end
  2. she doesnt want to talk to me

that is IT. and she is feeling all sorts of “negative emotions” but we’ll never know the breakdown there. does she hate me? scared of me? pity me? overwhelmed by the situation? she might not even hate me but just be Overwhelmed and Done.

why do i care so much about her hating me?

because i dont think my behavior warrants HATING; plus i didnt HATE her, i will never quite HATE her. i am ANGRY at how she treated me but i could never hate her.

hehehehe i sent her an overbearing text to her in early july when she was being weird and cold to me, and i was being weird and desperate to her, i hope you dont hate me lol, and she responded i could never hate you lol.

and of course that means nothing. maybe she doesnt hate me, she just doesnt know how to deal with me. well talk to me pleaze. but she doesnt want to do that either.

welp without that then we cant get anywhere. i think she realizes that. but she doesnt want to get anywhere, she just wants to be done with me. without the inconvenience, awkwardness, and discomfort of actually talking to the person she’s throwing away.

of COURSE its awkward. you are throwing someone away! well, more accurately, you are desperately wanting OUT of something that the other person desperately wants IN.

i dunno it just seems that women are so quick to just GIVE UP on relships, and are never willing to WORK ON things or GIVE THINGS A CHANCE. its always BAIL at the first sign of any difficulty. shits gotta be perfect and fun all the time, or else you just hit the road. dump the person. get a divorce. never work on the issues. never communicate.

hehehe shit later i got the hilarious thought that i would gladly invite her to come with me to my SHRINK so we could talk to my SHRINK about working on Better COmmunication. hahaha. i am the type of guy who would beg his woman to go to COUNSELING and WORK on this, lets save our rel!, when the woman just wants to be DONE with it.

well not all women are like that hahahahahaha.

well i will not email her but by god i wish she would email me and say sorry and lets get together. yes i do want to date you. lets make up. hahahaha.

but yeah. regardless of whether she LIKED me, we HAD some kind of two year relationship, thats a FACT, and you just dont THROW those types of relationships away like this. you make some kind of statement at least. god damn the pain goes on and on and on! it is no surprise people get obsessed and do stupid crazy things!