went to church and sat there bored and looked for attractive young women, begged GOD for a MIRACLE to TRANSFORM me and give me a new brain, give me the desire to work hard and not get distracted.

i am in the angry judgemental phase where i think EVERYBODY is degenerates. everything and everyone is too degenerate for me. bunch of filthy animals fooking and breaking hearts and cheating and lying and hurting and doing harm and not caring about.

might have some nyquil tonight, want to take it early because it lingers forever, like 16 hours, so want to take it around 5 o clock.

i am convinced that because i was always underconfident at my job and there was such mass confusion and no faith that anyone really knew what they were doing, and there was a huge divide against the few that seemed to understand stuff or at least bullshitted REALLY well, vs the many that didnt; that all workplaces are gonna be like that, that people will always be confused and not understand you, and that the people who can really HELP you are hidden behind walls of Confused Gatekeepers. I understand the role of Gatekeepers to give the Decision Makers time and space to Make Decisions, but how do the Gatekeepers know what they’re doing? how can they correctly advise people at the First Level of contact if they dont know what theyre doing?

well, they can either bullshit you, outright lie to you, or tell you theres nothing they can do where they dont know that for sure, basically give you the RUNAROUND, or PASS THE BUCK. and the person they pass the buck to does the same thing and say “well the first person shouldnt have done that, call them back again.”

went to a local bar last night and it was just stupid. this wasnt even a particular bad bad. it was a completely average bar at 10 o clock on a saturday night. just working class average normalfags, not really any alpha male peacocks or “BROS”, and not really a Dive Bar either, meaning they do intend to attract Semi Attractive Females to some extent, rather than have a Total Sausage Fest on Friday Saturday nights. and there were like 2 attractive women in there, so good job bar.

the service was good and the food was good and the people werent even too obnoxious. but i was just annoyed by the loud stupid music and in general it seemed like a sad way to spend a saturday night. groups of men without women, and a decent number of lonely looking 45 year old men sitting at the bar sucking down bud lites and watching sports on tv.

and the more young attractive women that are at a bar, the more obnoxious the crowd gets with young alpha males and bodybuilders and Bros and  Douchebags and such, so im glad there werent a ton of women.

but yeah i wanted to get out of there before an hour. just went and drank a coke, ate some wings,  smoked a cig, said ok lets get out of here. nothing to do here. well they had pool tables to play pool so that’s fine. a bunch of guys where playing pool, something to do, i can understand that, even though i dont get big into playing pool, and everyone playing pool is always a Pool Shark.

and then i thought of my female former friend going to bars like this and having guys try to charm her, buying her dranks, her fooking them, who cares, getting preggers, who cares, you can either have a abortion or have a babby with an absent father, who cares, it doesnt matter.

and i thought about how when i knew her, she said she didnt like bars and didnt think they were fun and people tried to get her to go to bars but she would never go, and i thought that was awesome, and was a reason i liked her, becuase i dont like bars either, as illustrated above, and only go when i am with friends who really want to go, which is not very often!

Men Without Women will always be a bit jelly of the men with (younger) women. basically i men women In Their Twenties, who are not blatantly ugly, who do not have Kids. The Most Desirable Women in other words. Like Muh Female Former Friend hahahaha. yep i would have been very happy with her. no sense of “settling for less” there. and then heart torn out like temple of doom.

the SUDDENNESS and the figurative VIOLENCE of it shocked me. one day i was in luv with her and she was the perfect angel, the next day she had nonverbally announced that it was Permanently Over Forever.

in my defense and in her non-defense, she didnt SEEM like she wanted to be done permanently. the few times we touched on the topic in stupid messages she said sort of sorry for not hanging out, we would hang out someday, she was just isolating herself from her friends, she “missed” me; although she hinted in an ealier message that she was annoyed by me being pushy, then i apologized profusely and said i wouldnt bug her at all this month if she told me we could hang out next month. of course we never hung next month, or the month after that, or the month after that, or the month after that, and by that time i was getting pushy again. but you could sorta see why. i honestly thought we were gonna hang out. whenever she said we would EVENTUALLY hang out she said it in a nice way. plus she was going through legit life stuff.

even if she is secretly in luv with me but has some inner Fear holding her back, i cant remove that fear for her!

this is related to “if someone REALLY WANTS something, they’ll DO it, so if they dont DO it, that proves they dont really WANT it.”

well you have to look at what youre talking about. basically i am talking about things IN YOU POWER. Like Yeah I really WANT her to luv me, but i cant make her, thats out of my power. or i really WANT to have a low stress 15DAH Job, but i have no idea how to get that, well, im not willing to do the years of grueling work to get there.

people are held back from doing the things they really want, by fear, by circumstance, by pretty understandable constraints.

like i wont make a phone call because i am anxious and because i have time to procrastinate, even though i want to get this billing issue settled. i just dont want to make the phone call! so i procrastinate.

so is she procrastinating on Luving Me, because she doesnt want to deal with it right now?

i dont think so, because in this situation, ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS NOT SHUT ME OUT. and respond to an email. communicate with me. she didnt have to work for it for years. i was right there at her doorstep offering up my heart. she just had to say yes. so yeah i dont think fear was holding her back. this is just how she really feels hahahaha.

i wasnt making it hard for her, i was making it easy, serving it up on a silver platter, at her doorstep, all she had to do was say yes. she already passed the test. she didnt have to get a masters degree or be the top employee for 10 years or jump through hoops. she had already jumped through the hoops of be in your 20s, dont have kids, dont be promiscuous, dont be ugly, have decent morals, be a decent person, be chill, dont be too crazy, get along with well, trust, respect, and……communication. well obv the communication killed it.

but yeah it was too sudden for me. she was giving mixed signals about wanting to communicate. i thought she geniunely wanted to communicate in time. maybe she did. but the avoiding and avoiding and avoiding was getting to me, and pushed me to the breaking point.  i could not wait any more.

anyway. if people want to do something, they will do it, and dont be autistic about that statement. i mean in terms of commuincation. where all the person needs to do is send a text or an email or have a conversation. pretty low barrier right there. dont have to be top of your class in a stem degree.

anyway i see other women being b’s and think OH SHE WASNT LIKE THAT wawawawawa and then think, WELP, SHE ACTUALLY PROBABLY IS, and then BUT IT DOESNT MATTER DOES IT.

i dunno. she used to be warm and nice and gentle to me, i would have really appreciated her extending some of that warmth to the ending of things. just so i dont remember her as an evil fooking kvnt, which i know shes not, but i guess i wanted more CONGRUENCE. Congruity. Less Dissonance. also that would have lessened the SHOCK and the “violence” and suddenness and PAIN.

its like stupid movies where people are driving in a car totally unassuming and then BAM surprise collision with another car coming out of NOWHERE at 100 mph in a split second.

WHATEVER, its just a case of NO CLOSURE, make your own closure, this happens to literally EVERYONE, just like True Love, just like True Heartbreak.

it helps if you have a decent job you can go to to avoid it and kill time tho, and fucc gurlz to bang mindlessly. a harem.

sometimes i feel like an adult man with DOWN SYNDROME who just simply does not have what it takes to make it in the adult world.

i wonder if people with DOWN SYNDROME ever fall in true luv and get married. i think they do sometimes. im not sure if they can have kidz tho.

took nyquil at 5 pm, then ate dinner, then went for 3 mile powerwalk. usually i would take the nyquil when coming back.

well i like this taking it before everything! it is really necessary to avoid next day hangover.

well hopefully.