“MAster of failure” credit to Millennial Woes (Youtube).


ok did a 2.8 miler. before that i went to the store and did a veritable shopping spree, kinda dumb i know. wanted to find some more “athletic socks” that will dry with the sweat quicker hahaha rather than just cotton socks that soak up sweat and take forever to dry and are still sweaty and gross when i put them back on in a few hours to go back out there.

did i deserve the way she treated me? absolutely not!

was i annoying and pushy to her? sure i was.

but quite simply, that was not justify what she did. i was pushy because i wanted to communicate and get closer. if she wanted to become permanently distanced she should have just told me.

i will never do this to another person.

i have never had to Be The Rejecter, Be The Ender, but I still have learned enough from being on the Receiving End, that I will know the best way to do it if i am on the Giving End.

its not brain surgery. its not technical support land of confusion. its very simple and straightforward: be honest, tell them they’re a good person and you dont want to hurt them, but you just dont have those feelings for them and never will. talk to them in person AND get it in writing too. in person is technically best but you can forget to say things, or get nervous, and maybe be influenced by the other person if they are pushy and manipulative hahaha.

maybe thats what she was worried about from me. that if she did meet me, and i talked about this, and she said no sorry, that i would get all slimy and beg and try to persuade her and be like are you surrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee is there even a 1% chance, and that i would do something like that.

well i mean its hard to say that i would. i mean it wouldnt be a FUN conversation. thats why she was avoiding it. plus she had nothing to gain. i had nothing to lose and everything to gain. it would benefit me because it would give me an answer.

well theoretically it would benefit us BOTH because we would have confronted the Elephant in the Room that was affecting BOTH of us.

ol millennial woes says a career counselor once told him he was “THE MASTER OF FAILURE.” (advice for the broken video, have linked before)

basically he explained he was so used to failure, failing again and again, that he was just used to it, and was beaten down by it, and always expected to fail, never to succeed.

he was sick and tired of failure, but always thought he’d be a failure, because all he ever did was fail fail fail.

“WOESY” as I and his other fans affectionately call this wonderful person, says yes that failure is good as a Teaching Tool……to an extent. but if you fail fail fail fail fail and never succeed, that just fooking sucks. you stop learning from it and just become beaten down and dejected and rejected and depressed and thing you’ll never succeed. you have TOO MUCH failure and you think you’ll always fail, so why try, and when you do try, you expect you’ll fail and you really half ass it, sabotage yourself.

i agree completely! Im right there too! I am also a MASTER OF FAILURE!

i handled things a LITTLE poorly.

SHE handled things a LOT poorly.

i was emotionally compromised because my heart was breaking and i was going crazy.

she was much less emotionally compromised, she had a little bit becuase of her life, but she was still less crazy than me. a woman. not being super crazy.

note: sociopaths are not psychopaths! you can throw people away like garbage and be ice cold, and not be crazy.

well, a sociopath can definitely BE a psychopath, i am guessing no more than 50% of sociopaths are psychopaths though. i hate to blame their sociopathy on them being CRAZY. i would rather blame it on them being EVIL hahahaha.

well back in the day people used to blame the DEVIL whenever someone did evil things. the devil made me do it. this allowed them to Maintain an optimistic view of the person, of their family, of their possible rehabilitation, becuase it wasnt THEM that was evil, it was just the DEVIL got into them, but we could get the devil back out again with some work. (millennial woes, one of the “history of rotherham” videos (C02?), about the two 8 year old boys in 1860s england who brutally killed a 2 year old boy, but they went to a Reform School and were i guess actually reformed.)

anyway i still dont think she is an evil person or a sociopath, she is still a decent moral good person who will make a great wife to a very lucky man wawawawawawawawa who better not cheat on her or abuse her but knowing her taste in men, I wouldn’t be surprised hahahaha no that’s not funny hahaha.

a good person who did a horrible thing to me, because she was overwhelmed and shut down, then time passed, then she figured oh well im done, I guess I could apologize but that is too risky, hes hurt enough, and me talking to him will just hurt him again, good thing I never read the emails that begged please respond please respond with some to just tell him that it was over to help him get closure lol what a clusterfook I am Just Done with it literally lol.

hehehe. I like making fun of women and their text talk, they just put in lol even thought it is totally inappropriate. this shows how bad they are at verbal communication lol.

I don’t like you any more and now im dumping you and never want to talk to u again lol

hahaha that would have been better!

this is worse than her getting her heart broke by that guy cheating on her!

at least she enjoyed like 4 or 5 months with him! I never enjoyed that much time dating someone! and now that he cheated on her, that means she can write him off as a horrible person, paint him as the bad person, hate the scumbag forever. I cant do that with her! I know shes not a horrible person! my first thought was what did I do to deserve this! I will always want to get with her! I cant eagerly throw her away and say good riddance to bad rubbish, fook that bitch, I hope she dies! I don’t have that easy way out here. because what she did isn’t nearly as bad as cheating in termes of intentional, premeditated evil. it doesn’t make her a bad person in other words.

so I cant say good riddance to the evil person who hurt me in an evil way.

so yeah my heartbreak is worse than hers.

also, she only wanted to TALK when it was HER FEELINGS, HER HEARTBREAK. THEN she wanted to talk to those guys. but GOD FORBID somebody ELSE wanted to talk to her about THEIR feelings. NOPE, NOT MY FEELINGS, DONT HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THEM!!!!!!!!


we are all selfish, its good to be selfish, but here she was even more selfish than me, and the selfishness was very hurtful in this instance. to me.

anyway. time for another 2.8er.

shit. maybe she WANTS to apologize, but she thinks contacting me would do more harm than good.

so i should contact her then, and say its ok to apologize hahahahaha.

see what i mean? struggling EVERY DAY with the temptation to contact her.

it has not been a great 12 months hahaha. i got older, i was shot down for that job i really wanted to get (november 2014), relship with the woman got worse and worse until it finally ended in the WORST possible way, got super emotional, quit muh job, have been heartbroke and in horrible pain for months.

what if another tragedy were to happen right now? would i even be able to process it? would i still be worrying about this stupid heartbreak and woman? or would i shift over to the new tragedy especially if it were a bigger tragedy and more worthy of grieving about?

hehehe see how we think. it is just bad thought after bad thought. ruminating.

so yeah i should not contact her. because…..she will not respond, she will not apologize, i wont totally be back to square one, but i will easily undo a few days or weeks of progress in one fell swoop.

i am always begging for mercy and it is clear she is not going to give me ANY mercy.

but i always thought she would be more merciful to me than this. holy shit.

it has been 10 months of medium disappointments with her as our relationship DIED, and she capped it off with the COUP DE GRACE, the BIG DADDY of all disappointments, the biggest one yet. not very good karma hahahaha. my karma is way better than hers hahahaha. i am the good guy, she is the bad guy. 66 33 hahaha.

what else. i had one other thing.

oh yeah,


love is lukewarm,

love is on the fence,

love is indecisive, love is unsure,

love is bored, love is boring,

love is temporary,

love fades, love dies, love ends,

love doesnt matter, love is stupid,

love is not one in a million, but just one OF millions (stolen from stupid poem i wrote in 2004 hahaha)

love is ordinary, love is common, love is nothing special.

basically a parody of the stupid biblical passage thessalonians which i hate hahaha. kinda also touching on the other biblical thing, i cant remember where, it was new testament tho, about LUKEWARM being the worst thing ever. christ wants FERVENT, FANATICAL followers, not some lukewarm, tepid, meh sort of bullshit.

well i agree and my personal definition of love is the OPPOSITE of that lukewarm stuff above. but in so many so called lovers i see nothign but lukewarm or even cold.

i think IMHO that heartbreak is a beautiful thing that captures the non-lukewarm beauty of true love.

in other words, you dont get heartbreak unless its REAL love. something that would ahve turned into something beautiful, had the other person accepted it. it could have well turned to marriage and children. there is something SACRED and DIVINE about it. MIRACULOUS. HOLY. AWESOME, in the sense that “our god is an AWESOME god;” inspiring awe.

if your heart is not BROKEN when you are done with someone………you never really loved them!

well, what about long term rels which end because of irreconcilable differnces? like the LTR the woman had. they had been together 5 years and it was obvious to both parties that it was nearing the “natural end.” that really both parties were not willing to save it, both people want out.

ok i acknowledge that this is possible. it does boggle my mind because i have never experienced it, because i have never been in an LTR, and i cant imagine, if i were, that it would end this way. i ALWAYS thinks its gonna end with ME wanting to save it, THEM wanting out, me getting my heart broken, them getting over it quickly, cuz i simply loved them more, and i continued to love them after they stopped loving me.

cuz thats essentially all i know, well, insofar as can happen when you never have a real LTR, but short term bullshit! i still had feelings for those women and WANTED to try a Serious LTR with them. they did not. and said sorry i want out. i didnt want out.

too bad so sad!

its like the master of failure thing. i only know failure, i dont KNOW what success feels like!

o god bishop fulton sheen talking about two faculties of the soul, KNOWING and LOVING. the intellect and the will.

yeah i cant find the episode on youtube but here is a bunch of them, he has several epsiodes on “LUV”.

he reads the eliz browning poem “how do i luv thee, let me count the ways” and talks abtou men and women luving each other, and men always get it mixed up with their REASON.

yeah i had to fully KNOW her before i loved her. no im not talking about “knowing” her in the biblical sense, BUT i think two people SHOULD Actually Know each other and love each other BEFORE they “know” each other in that way, and that takes a LONG time, like months and months, close to a year.

“wait a year before having secs? only have secs with people I LOVE?” this sounds fooking CRAZY old fashioned and WEIRD nowadays. but thats just how i feel.


there are LITERALLY no women who share this belief, except for jesus freaks,  (“purity culture”) and then they turn into HUGE sluts the second they turn 18 and get out of the house and/or go to college. this is fookin disgraceful imho.

whats WRONG with a “purity culture?”

so yeah i prefer more PURE women hahahahaha.

its jsut CRASS and VULGAR and DISGUSTING and DEGRADING for women to give their Babymaking Gateway up so CASUALLY!

so anyway i can write and write and write and think and think and think and obsess and obsess and obsess and i will NEVER get any further here, i will NEVER reach any conclusions, i will ALWAYS have incomplete information, because SHE has to answer those unanswered questions, and she will NEVER do that. she STILL has all the fooking POWER!!!!!!!

but she doesnt even EXIST for me any more! so SHE doesnt have any power except for the Mental Version of her which exists ONLY in my mind.

right now, EVERYTHING only exists in my MIND only.

and My Mind has LONG been a Mortal Enemy of mine! my one true NEMESIS, if you will.

i was True Loving her right up to the moment it ended in mid july. i loved her as fully as i ever did. and then it immediately ended, for me at least. she never loved me and also she had been preparing for this ending for MONTHS. but for me, i loved her right up until the last day, and even afterwards, and i still damn do.

true love, true heartbreak, MOTHER FOOKER.