RELATIONSHIP INVENTORY

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ok i am doing the “relationship inventory” in my “getting past your breakup” book by susan elliott, page 136, this is supposedly important, and should take 1 to 2 weeks to complete, and then you write a letter you dont send, and then have a letting go ceremony, and then also its good to say “i forgive them” even if you dont really want to forgive them, its more for YOU than for THEM. its more so YOU let go of the past. shit i will say just about anything, give them false forgiveness, sure hahahaha

1   make list of all the positive things about the relship. not about the PERSON (that comes later) but about the relship. ok this is tricky but give it the ol college try.

it was great to feel close to a woman

great to feel love

felt intimacy. even though a lot of this stuff is one sided, coming only from me, and is not shared by her, is a fantasy. or where we were kinda close once, she shut down and pulled away as i was trying to maintain / get closer.

had fun just peacefully being around her, spending time

never felt rushed or judged

sense of “two peas in a pod”, sense of shared values, well this might be more about her than the relship per se.

sense of being understood

being cared for and liked

the connection, again prob overestimated in my mind

see a lot of these might be more HER than the relship. or they will overlap. i like that she seemed to like me. even just as a friend.

we got along instantly, talking very normally and naturally, no nervousness or awkwardness, instant connection

it was nice to have built a foundation of real friendship, that later turned into deeper feelings. i never thought i could do this, it had never happened before. in the future i think this would be the ideal way to start a rel, to be friends first. but jeezum crow it might also make the heartbreak worse if they reject you. but they also have the power to reject you nicely and not horribly like she did!

it was something i have always been missing in my life and i thought i finally found the One to have a special rel with. the closest thing id had to a Special Rel in many years. filling a big sad void in muh life.

that at one time i was a pretty special friend to her, i was in her Inner Circle, she trusted me, she liked me more than any woman had liked me in years, even without being Romantic, just liking a person in general. that was real nice, being liked and held in high regard, and it hurt greatly to be knocked down pegs, put into “doghouse.” to be liked then they LOSE INTEREST. for WHATEVER reason. hurts like hell. cuz you compare the shitty current situation to the good old days. it might give comfort to know THEY are hurting too…. i dont know. cuz you always want to contact them. but you shouldnt.

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2. make a list of  all the positive qualities about the person. write down all the traits that you liked and were important to you.

that she accepted me for who i was

that we shared values and way of looking at world and were like “two peas in a pod”

she was really nice, a nice, warm, caring, loving, kind, gentle person, and i liked being treated that way.

she was not promiscous.

she had never had a promiscuous phase.

she had a low number of lovers.

she trusted me enough to tell me very personal stuff, made me feel close and trusted and valued

she was very family oriented

introverted and not super social, not 100000000000 friends

did not party, go to bars, do drugs, drink too much

she was chill, not super dramatic, very laid back for a woman

she was not fake or phony

she was innocent and not super jaded, partially due to not being with too many men

she preferred staying at home with family than out partying with party peers

she was very attractive but in sort of a weird way, very unique, not like other “pretty gurls”

she did not use a lot of makeup

she did not dress like a slut

she was not obsessed with fashion

she was good with money and responsible

she seemed mature and reserved and wouldnt do anything stupid

really liked some physical aspects, like her hair and legs and skin and shoes and way of dressing and eyes and mouth and nose and face and long arms and legs and nice hips and bottom o god…. very pretty gurl. at first i thought she was weird looking but later i came to FULLY appreciate her beauty and everything abotu her physically. would have been very satisfied. i was VERY attracted to her. boioioioioioing.

she was capable of a long term rel and her first boifran was a long term rel that lasted for 4-5 years of her youth when she could have been out slutting it up

she did not like other girls for being phony and dramatic and stupid

she liked good music

we had a lot in common with our values. do no harm, treat each toher the way you want to be treated, dont be a phony, not materialistic, stay away from bad influences, introverted, hard to really fit in anywhere, not a lot of friends, hard to make friends and lovers, quiet, shy, cautious.

she had a VERY low number of men, like less than 3!

took her relships seriously and did not seem to throw people away like forgotten garbage hahahaha

did not have casual sex or treat sex casually

she didnt have any children

she was young, ie under 25 hahaha

she did not take the pill, i dont think, and i prefer women who dont take the pill.

oh yeah wanted to make sure i included that part about the pill. i did!

i liked that she was interested in conspiracies and “red pill” sort of stuff and standing apart from the mainstream sheeple.

i liked the way she dressed, modest and not all “Sexy” and slutty.

she like spending time with her family, her mother and grandparents and siblings.

she would be sitting at home on saturday night hanging out with her family or doing nothing, rather than getting slutted up for a night of Clubbing and Dancing and Casual Sex with a bunch of other Sluts seducing scumbag guys.

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3. write down five special things they did for you, or five special times in the relship

well near the end, she stopped really DOING ANYTHING for me, and the only benefit were my own internal feelings of luv.

she helped me out with getting medical herbal supplements hahahaha very quickly and reliably hahahaha.

when we went to the park in july 2014 and she said i was a good friend and at that time i felt like she might like me and i felt ambivalent and awakwrd and this turned into my biggest regret, that i should have taken that oportunity to make out with her or at least talk about feelings right then and there.

going to dinner in aug 2014 and it seemed nicer than the other times we went to dinner, prob because i was right on the cusp of liking her

going to fun concert in sept 2014, that kinda sealed the deal and i was very very close to the Big Change

went to her house in feb 2014 when she was still with long term boifran. at that time i wanted her to work things out with him, i did not want her. i got along with him fairly well too. we just all hung out together and in the future i tried to go to her house again but she wasnt interested hahaha.

we worked at another job together and we would hang out afterwards and talk and those talks got increasingly intimate. really i should have shared more though. there were at least 3 or 4 of these, sometimes we would go to lucnh or coffee shop. these things made me feel closer to her. and probably her to me. but in the sense that we were Close Platonic Friends, but still not Close Nonplatonic friends!

when we were first getting to know each other and it was clear that we both liked each other (platonically, which is still kinda a big deal)

prob other stuff

when she confided important stuff to me and cried and i was there for her and she gave me a hug hahahaha so i LIKE being treated like a leftist beta crying shoulder, great. but yeah i did.

i got filled with Warm Fuzzies whenever she responded to texts, and she was pretty good about responding, which made me think she WASNT on the verge of getting rid of me. extra special warm fuzzies for smileys and the holy grail heart text.

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4… make a list of things your friends and family liked about them. were they the same things i liked about them?

dunno friends and family never met her hahahaha. just knew about her. just happy that i was hanging out with a woman, any woman, that i appeared to be friends with a woman for damn once in my life.

yes i liked that too!

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5. make a list of things i liked abotu them, that friends and family did not like. what kinds of things put me at odds with friends and family? did i feel the ex was misunderstood? or suspect my friends/family were right? did i try to make excuses or explanations for the behavior?

ehhhh not really. again they never met her. well other than my one male work friend knew of her. but he never talked to her, never knew how i felt until it was all over. and when i invited her to come with me to his get togethers, she naturally never accepted. i was worried she would then show up with some other guy and that would be really stupid. no that didnt happen.

they prob wouldnt like that she was living in sin with her old boifran! but really she was 900000000 times less “sinful” than the average adulterous, fornicating slut! who does many sins with many men!

actually we did have a mutual friend from our old job. but i sorta drifted away frm this person, and they never knew of muh feelings for her.

either female friend drifted away from this person too, or if not, told them what a psycho i was. or not? i thought about emailing this person just to say “we had a big falling out” and also to defend myself. but i didnt do this.

i was about to finally inviting her out to come meet my friends and family…….but she never wanted to hang out by that point.

maybe i should have invited her to meet friends and family earlier, like when we still got along. and that would have made her like me hahaha. i dunno. it doesnt matter.

i met some of her friends and family and got along with them pretty well. didnt see them a lot though. cuz i didnt see HER a lot!!!!!!!!!

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6. make a list of all the negative things about the relship. not about HER, but things unique to that RELSHIP. like couldnt go out with friends when i wanted to, having to check in with ex, etc

near the end it wasnt really a relship at all, she had already checked out, i was doing everything

it was one sided, i luved her, she didnt luv me

the communication was AWFUL and nonexistent

it wasnt a real relationship. it was largely a fantasy in my own mind only

there was no mutual luv

we never hung out

it was a total one way street, one sided all the way, totes

that it ended in the worst possible way, or at least such a bad way. no it was really bad. it really hurt.

that is was just like every other Luv Rel I’ve had: the woman had no feelings for me.

it never really BEGAN. but in my heart it was so real. hahahaha.

overally, in the end, ultimately, the relationship was net bad, not net good. at the end of the day, the bad outweighed the good. on the balance sheet of the rel. damn. it was A Bad Rel. just a huge disappointment. the good shit was not worth all the bad shit that happened later. i wish i had never met her and had never gone through this pain, even if thru the pain i am growing as a person. yeah and i am also suffering like hell. its not a what doesnt kill you makes you stronger thing, it feels like a what doesnt kill you just fooking destroys and devastates and makes you WEAKER. kills you slowly. eats away at you and makes you half the man you used to be. and you were super strong before! and now you are permanently ruined and BROKEN. hehehehe.  god i hope not. i hope i can truly bounce back and GET OVER this.

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7. make list of all your ex’s negative qualities. focus on aspects of ex you really disliked and wanted to change.

that she was horrible about communicating with me and avoided talking or dealing with anything

that she was more friendly to everyone else than me!

she stopped giving me moral support at job

she stopped liking me as a friend

she never liked me as anything more

she didnt return my feelings

she ignored and avoided me when i wanted to talk to her the most

she pulled away from me

she didnt have feelings for me

she never wanted to hang out with me

she would ignore the elephant in the room

she wouldnt respond to important stuff

she could be really cold

she would show other people her good qualities and me her bad cold qualities. she really put me in the “doghouse!”

she didnt want to save the rel

she dumped me, she decided all by herself to end it

that she never told me about her new boifran but told other people. why not me?

that she was very not self-reflective and could not see when she was being ridiculous to me, or hurting me. never thought she was doing anything wrong to me, never wanted to apologize to me. she was always the good guy, i was the bad guy. she didnt think she was doing anything wrong. she didnt need to communicate with me.

very bad at Empathizing with me.

she had no desire to communicate with me.

she became like a totally different person when things were going back, and i could not get back to the “good old” version of her. i was shocked she could be so out of character and change so much.

i wanted her to show more respect to our long and good friendship.

that she changed completely it seemed. from someone i knew and liked, to someone i didnt know and was a evil alter ego. it was confusing and horrifying like a nightmare.

she did something fairly immoral a few years ago that was not cheating, i will not go into detail here, but it was a thing i found pretty controversial, but accepted it as part of her life. but now its kinda a warning sign: if a person can do that, they can do ANYTHING, including cheat, including throwing long term friends away without a word.

that she liked me once and then blatantly seemed to not like me.

for the past 5 months at least, she was AVOIDING me in any way she could. avoiding hang outs, talking, communicating, inviting me to things she might have invited me to in the past, making any effort to make me feel valued.

that she jsut LOST INTEREST in me. she was once nice and kind and warm and made an effort; then she TOOK THAT AWAY and just didnt care about me any more. this was prob because i was sending signals i had feelings, and she could not handle that like an adult hahahaha.

that she was kinda a classic victim. she portrayed herself as a helpless victim with the sad horrible life. victim mentality. that is potentially manipulative in a weird way. possible red flag.

she was stuck in the past grieving for things/people she could not change.

she was always on the defensive so you were always the bad guy for wanting to talk to her.

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8. make a list of all the positive quals that turned into neg quals for me over time. eg they were neat and clean but this turned out to be OCD or they nagged you for being a slob (all these examples are given by the book, not me.)

uhhh not sure. i got jealous when she turned off her good qualities for me, and showed them to other people.

she became a mirror negative image of herself once i dev feels for her.

she became a totally different person that i did not recognize. very disturbing and unsettling.

a net good rel gradually became a net bad rel.

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9. think back to beginning of rel and make list of all the warnign signs. arguments early on? some behavior clue? capable of hurting you deeply? loud and clear warning signs? what did i do? not do? rationalize it? ignore it? what could i have done? why didnt i? compromises or bargains made with self? price paid for that?

not sure. there were some arguable warning signs regarding her family, mainly lack of strong father figure, that would predispose her to behaving like an emotionally disturbed whore. but she never became one of those. i was on the lookout for that. but that never happened.

possibly the theory that because she had been abandoned, she could then possibly abandon someone else.

this was a very subtle warning sign tho. she seemed too NICE to do soemthing like this tho.

note: these are more “risk factors” than “warning signs.” they dont necessarily GUARANTEE a person is gonna turn out a certain way.

i was keenly aware and looking for warning signs and the father thing was really the only one. that is a risk factor for you being a bipolar whore. since she was not a bipolar whore, but veyr nice, chill, not crazy, and not whorish, i didnt think about any other possible manifestations/symptoms, like she would be very good at abandoning and freezing out.

that she stuck in bad rels longer than she should have? if anything i liked that because it meant she was loyal and willing to work on shit. and she was the exact opposite with me.

that she chose men who were distant or not really in luv with her? she chose emotionally unavailable men, perhaps reminded her of her father. so naturally she would not choose an emotionally available guy like me. in fact, we became friends when i was kinda emotionally unavailable. when i became available, and she became available, thats when problems started!

she confessed something to me that kind of shook my image of her at the time, no not cheating. anyway maybe this could have been a potential warning sign? but it would be kind of hard to find a woman who doesnt have a few skeletons in the closet, be it cheating, or abandoning a person, or having open rels, or doing this particular thing. come on. cant have too high standards hahaha. but it was still a possible warning sign that she could just throw a person away like she did to me, when they become inconvenient. just avoiding or ignoring a situation, pretending it never existed, deleting them entirely, that kind of thing. it did hint at that capability. i dont like the idea and i thought for sure i could never come to like someone, AFTER they told me something like that. but i did!

not sure if i made any compromises or bargains. i was well aware of these warning signs and used them to Vet her. used them as tests to exclude her! but she seemed to pass all the tests and to be a good decent person in spite of any hurdles, and after all that, i fell in luv!

that she jumped so soon into a new rel with a new boifran, and kinda kept it secret from me, but told other people. but why not me?

i said well no way shes over her first rel yet. but all bets are off now, i’d like to break them up and get with her by any means necessary. cuz she obviously doesnt know whats best for her any more. but i do!

that she was terrible about communicating to her beta orbiter in 2013 that she had a boifran and was not interested.

but i thought that jsut because we were Good Friends, she would always communicate stuff to me. NOPE.

yeah there was not a ton of warning signs here. i was like a HAWK looking for warning signs cuz i can see warning signs a mile off. i was looking for any reason to disqualify her. but she seemed to overcome the risk factors and be a decent person. anythign else was real subtle. thats why shit was SHOCKING when it ended.

although that technically had a “warning sign” in that she had been distant in the months up to the big split; but i chose to ignore it in favor of her positive mixed signals.

i am so critical, i think EVERYTHING is a warning sign. so, its hard for me to recognize ACTUAL warning signs. like i am so overly critical, i’m gonna have to accept some imperfection of course. but will i be happy to make that compromise, or bitter? with her i was happy to accept her imperfections because the good way outweighed the bad.

i did not like that her short term new boifran was a different race. this is because i am a racist, hahaha. but honestly i, at this point in my life, would prefer a woman of my own race, who prefers men of our own race. i dont think shell go back to dating men of this race, and this was certainly the first time for her, but it was just disappointing. i would have preferred that she never had any interest in such a thing. oh lord this is gonna make me sound like the bad guy., a horrible racist. but funny instead of saying things i would say about other “race mixing women” like “oh that dirty white trash mud shark, enjoy having mud babies and being beat by your black bull, like to see you in 10 years when you are total trailer trash, etc, one of those fat white women who dates only black men, wow how trashy” that kind of racist stuff hahahaha. but OH WELL IMMA RACISS, get used to it. and yet here, because i was so in luv with her, i didnt even really THINK about that racial aspect, but MAYBE it was a warning sign? that she was not the woman i wanted her to be? i dont even know, im grasping at straws here. but i know i didnt like it. i would have preferred she briefly date a white scumbag than a black scumbag, if she HAD to date a scumbag, and pretty likely she DID.

i mean i dont care if my friends date out of their race, as long as the person treats them well. but i prefer to date within my race, and i feel particularly bad if a gurl i want to date dates another race guy instead.  yeah and theoretically its better for her to date a good black guy than a bad white guy. but this was just a scumbag guy!

anyway like i say, “warning signs”, im the type to view EVERYTHING as a warning sign of “shes a degenerate whore.” she’s been with 2 guys or more, warning sign. her parents are divorced, warning sign. and really she cant do anythign about her father being a deadbeat hahaha she didnt choose that, the way she chooses wrong men. but she chooses wrong men because her father was a deadbeat!

or if a gurl wears makeup, its a warning sign. she takes the pill,warning sign. well there are women who do not wear makeup and who do not take the pill, and she was one of these “natural” women, and i liked that.

but yeah most women take the pill, waer makeup, dress like whores, have been with 10+ guys, have tons of abortionz, is this a “warning sign”? then 99.99999999999999% of All Women show Red Flags that they are not Relationship Worthy!

there were small warning signs that i took note of and happily chose to look past, would gladly accept for the goodness of being with her. the huge good would have vastly outweighed the tiny bad. even in hindsight i can see the “warning signs” were not terribly bad. just small shit that is still better than the Average Woman.

well there were not really warning signs in her early on. but there was stuff in the final 5 or 6 months which were signs that shit was ending, on the outs. like her avoiding me all the time, the growing distance, not inviting me to things that i would invite her to and she would say sorry already going just not with you; no desire to become closer or to stop pulling away.

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10. write down 5 most hurtful incidents to you in the rel. what was done? what was said? apology that it would never happen again? did it? promises not kept?

hehehe i apologized over and over and over again for bugging her to hang out. i promised to act better and not bug her to hang out or talk hahahaha. i behaved for a few weeks or a month, then i broke my promise and started bugging her again. because i really wanted to talk hahaha. why is it so wrong that i wanted to communicate?

she never really promised or apologized anything to me hahaha cuz i was the bad guy, she didnt have to do shit.

when i went to visit her at work and i was acting like a beta bitch and she snapped at me and said go away! go away! and i was like ok. and was shocked. and then i came crawling to her apologizing for being a weird beta. but i wanted her to apologize to me too. but she never did. she didnt think she did anythign wrong. i kind of thought she did. i would have liked her to recognize that she was being ridiculous. but she never saw this. i just apologized and said im sorry to be weird and i know you hate being bugged but i feel like our relationship is suffering and i want to save it and i dont want to lose you! and she never responded to these concerns.

i was no angel, but it was very frustrating how she could not see how she was hurting me, how she saw no need to communicate about elephant in room. bbbbbut she was more Empathic And Compassionate and PErceptive than that!

NOPE! she WAS compassionate, but she was NOT very Empathic or Perceptive, to me at least!

when i met her at the thing in july 2015 and it was immediately SO AWKWARD. it was like she didnt want to be seen with me, just wanted me to go away. but i didn’t. maybe i should have! but i wanted to hang out with her and here she was! plus i thought we just needed to work on things and they would get better! i didnt realize it was The End right then and there! but it was so awkward. i fought to make it less awakwrd and i succeeded. but im not sure she did a damn thing. i apologized for being weird. shit. she could have apologized for being weird. after this event we never talked again ever at all by any means. but yeah that event in july 2015 was the first time i “hung out” with her in 10 months, since sept 2014. that whole time she had been pulling away from me and seeing her now was just really really bad. it was a bad sign. it was pretty clear it was the end and by god that was horrifying becuase i didnt want it to be the end. yeah this one was a very hurtful incident indeed. hurts just to try to remember it, and to revisit it. it was all so wrong.

when i tried to talk to her afterwards and she just ignored me.

when i saw her at the job and she just ignored me.

she was done with me and wasn’t gonna say antyhign about it, yet she was ready to ignore me to my face every day.

well, she was just overwhelmed, as was i.

when i went to unfriend her possibly, and saw she had unfriended me first. and had NOT sent a message explanation, like i would have done if i had unfriended her first!

when she blocked me about 4 days later.

she had read one of my last emails begging for more communication, please lets just talk and get things back the way we were….and she had no desire to do that.

she wouldnt talk to me, and it was terrible to hear her talking to other people, hear her laughing.

when she walked into the office she would go right past my desk and i would look at her with desperate sad pleading begging puppy dog eyes as she walked right by me, but she never even LOOKED at me! because i was the bad guy, and she was DONE with me! done with a 2.5 year friendship just because I was Too much to handle and she didnt want to talk to me!

so yeah i am ANGRY about that.

regardless of my feelings, and regardless of how Pushy and Weird I was, I felt our Long History ENTITLED me to a Better “Breakup” than this.

and i wash shocked because nothing really hinted that she could Deeply Hurt me like she did!

she sorta implied or strung me along (not really a PROMISE) that we would hang out and talk SOMEDAY. it seemed INCONCEIVABLE that we wouldnt. i just had no idea when. this month? next month? two months? and she could never reassured me on that. so i said PATHETIC things like “i will stop bugging you this month to hang out, if you can REASSURE me that we will hang out NEXT month.” can we hang out next MONTH. come ON.

(altho im thinking in the future that if i hang out with a woman and we have a mutual good time, then i should set up the next “appointment” while we are still on the first one hahahaha. like i had fun, how about you? yes? wanna do this again? how about 2 or 3 weeks? ok pencil ya in for 7 pm saturday 2 weeks from now, see you then!  like when i see my shrink, we set the appointment for next appointment at the end of the current appt. depending how bad i am, we do 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 weeks.

then bitches would say this is “mechanical” or “not spontaneous” or “not fun” or “autistic” or “awkward” or “weird”. but i think its a great idea. if you can find a woman who can go along with this GREAT IDEA, good!

actually what would happen is, you text her the day before and say “still wanna go out tomorrow”? then they will 40% say “no sorry gotta cancel” or 60% not say anything, not respond. then you text them a few more times and look like a weirdo. and text them the next day, the day of, still no response, and they remember you as a weirdo creeper, and you remember them as a rude bitch.)

also i was angry that she went with this other guy to a concert in feb and didnt even ask me. then i got jealous of him. cuz he was more handsome and cool and successful and she probably blew him hahaha. at least. she was not very social and i thought i was in her Inner Circle of close friends. i didnt just think i was some periphery friend. she didnt have a LOT of friends and I thought I was Inner Circle of Close special friends. so for her not to even mention antyhign to me was disappointing. i made a joke abotu it like oh wish you had invited me, wish i could be as cool as him! and then she said i am a way closer friend than he is. yeah right.

but i was more hurt by how i heard abotu a big concert in the summer and asked her if she wanted to go with me, and she said sorry already got tickets. and i said i wish you would have asked me! and then she said she didnt think i would want to go. and i said yeah i think it would be fun, and a fun thing for us to do together. then she said oh now i feel bad. and i thought good, you should hahahaha. anyway the tickets sold out very fast so. by the time the concert happened, i had left the job and we were FINISHED.

i just felt very SNUBBED. i know i was once an inner circle of close friends and probably would ahve gotten an invite. now i was being pushed out in the cold and did not even get an invite. that hurts. but i guess the throwing away of me occurred gradually hahaha. maybe this was a WARNING SIGN as well.

well i liked that i told her right away that i was disappointed in not being invited. cuz i was! so i was honest about that. so at that point you can either do something to Make Up, or the person can say, who are THEY to feel disappointed i didnt INVITE them? I dont invite them places any more because they are a little bitch like this! no fun! there are PLENTY of guys who are more FUN!

anyway that was like 3 to 4 months into The Feelings. tension was definitely growing by then.

i guess i coulda said “well ive just been missing you and i think these would be good chance to hang out and I get hurt when you invite other people and ignore me.”

but i think what i said was good enough. if she were serious about Not Losing Me should could have done something to make it up to me and show she cared about me. like letting me hang out with her even ONCE.

also when i asked her do you wanna go to this concert in august and she said sorry already got tickets i didnt think you wanted to go. and i said yeah i did, i thought it would be something fun for us to do together. well have fun going without me and i’ll have have no going at all hahahaha. oh wait i already wrote this above.

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11. write down the things you feel you did wrong (not just what your ex said you did wrong, but what you TRULY feel you did wrong.) both things you did do, and didnt do. eg not speaking to them, being controlling

being pushy

being weird

being passive aggressive

trying to guilt trip her rather than just talking directly.

being afraid to talk about elephant in the room issues: how she felt abotu me in july, how i felt about her, her new boifran, etc. she was afraid to communicate but so was I. she was worse though hahahaha

so yeah i didnt neeed to let myself get so weirdand pushy. (see below, i didnt’ see that 11 and 12 were separate questions hahaha.) so as soon as i started being pushy, i could have said, nope not gonna be pushy any more, im just gonna write her an email right now, or said, we need to TALK. we dont need to HANG OUT, we need to TALK. can i CALL you, otherwise im sending you an email. period.

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12. write down any major incidents or issues in relship that stemmed from your own issues or your own behavior. was there somethign you did that led to a major blowup? anything you would take back if you could?

like how i ruined everything by being pushy to communicate hahaha annd not accepting that she didnt want to talk.

i wanted to communicate about obvious problems in our friendship too much, when i should have just ignored and avoided them, like she did hahahahahaha.

well i could have been clearer and more direct. instead of saying lets hang out, i could have said lets TALK.

well later on as i was sending her chat messages, they included more direct clear thoughts like our friendship is in trouble and i want to save it. so i became a little more direct.

i shoudl have just wrote her an email way earlier, like by january or so.

i should have talked to her in JULY (2014): how do you feel about me? do you want to make out with me? whos your new boyfriend?

i was wrong to be so pushy, but i was not wrong to want to communicate.

so, as soon as she and i felt myself being PUSHY, i should have sent her a long email.

and i regret being so cowardly and afriad abotu communicating with her.

when she snapped at me angrily at work, i was being very anxious and self pitying and pathetic. i found myself slipping into that along with the passive aggressive. it was kinda related. i was trying to guilt trip her into being nicer to me. im suffering take pity on me.

i should have just said directly, when you ignore me it hurts. can we do anything about this.

again it ALL stemmed from elephant in the room issues we were not communicating about. this affected ALL of the commuincation we DID have, like small talk became more shitty, passive aggressive, aggressive passive, self pitying, sarcastic, guilt trips, anger.

dont bottle it up, blurt it out.

//////////////////

13. write down any significant statements would would have liked to say. what has gone unsaid? what would you say to them if you had one last chance to talk? also stuff that does not fit under above steps.

im sorry, i wish this had ended differently, i will always have feelings for you, promise me youll contact me if you ever find feelings for me. damn. but i was only pushing you because i really wanted to talk about this. i wish you had just talked to me rather than froze me out like this. talking would have been a lot easier for me to handle.

//////////////////////////

do this over a week or two, then take 3 day break, then revisit lists and add to or star shit.

identify most important items on your lists. this includes:::

how you feel about losing the positive things.:::::::::::

how the fook do you think???? sad as fook! cripplingly derpressed for months. absolutely heartbroken to lose the luv of mah life. muh soulmate. The One. holy shit. think you know someone but you really dont. maybe you did? just the worst blinding pain i have ever experienced. world totally turned upside down. see the last 70 posts or so hahaha. good god. beyond rock bottom. devastated. destroyed. takes months and months to get over it. grief, anger, hatred, sorrow. never be the same. so sad to lose all the good stuff. i will never feel this way abotu a woman ever again. this is the last woman i will ever luv. shit. i will def die alone.

///////////////////////

how you feel about losing the negative things.::::::::

oh i see the point here. yeah i dont feel too bad about that, i say good riddance to that, i am glad to be rid of it, glad to be rid of the bad memory. how could i be such a FOOL? and be fooled and living in a world of Fear and Fantasy? and also her acting like such a monster, a person i did not know. i am glad to be rid of that person. and certainly the bad outweighed the good. there was more pain than good when all was said and done. good riddance to it all.

the person she became was like a nightmare. the shadow evil version of the person i became friends with, and fell in love with. a good person becoming a bad person.  i dont mind being rid of that bad person.

i like just washing my hands of all that bullshit.

ultmately the rel was more bad than good. it was good for a long time then it turned horrendously, tragically, mostly bad, which i wanted to fix, and she did not. so its GOOD to flush that net bad shit away.

//////////////////////////////////////////

all the things you are angry and hurt about.::::::::

SO much. EVERYTHING. that she turned into a different person and totally sold me out.

that it ended so poorly. she could have written a fooking EMAIL.

that we had something actually good. and then she shut down, rejected me, was done with me. its not like the WHOLE THING was a fantasy. it started out actually good, and stayed good. the friendship was good. but it got realy weird the moment i got feelings, and that weirdness was just as much HER fault as mine. she didnt have to react that way.

to have something good, then LOSE it.

to have someone like you, then they STOP liking you. they LOSE INTEREST in you, and you gain interest in them at the same time!

the idea that she became an unknown stranger monster. like a horrifying metamorphosis. she changed a lot more than i did. she was one of my favorite people and now i cannot remember her in any sort of positive way. it didnt HAVE to be THIS disappointing. and it was shocking because so incongruent. this wasnt who she was!

that she hid the boifran from me when she told others. why didnt she tell me? did she think i liked her? did she like me? unanswered questions.

you know the RIGHT thing to do would be to do me the courtesy of talking to me before throwing me away. but you didnt do it because it was too hard and awkward, and more convenient and EASIER for you to take the easy way out. angry that she was so cowardly and spineless and chickenshit, that she would rather hurt me MORE than take on a little discomfort herself.

//////////////////////////////////////////

all the things you will miss about your ex and the relship:::

she is a decent person and i really luved her. i just miss spending time with her and looking at her pretty face and body and wanting to cuddle with her; adn talking with her; and the High Feeling it caused in my brain. she was a Stimulus for Rare Drug Chemicals in my brain that its really hard to produce. not a lot of people can do that. i wanted to marry her one day and Start a Life with her and have Babbys. this was true luv mother fooker.

just miss spending time and being with her. and this is exactly what she cut me off of near the end. shit the last time we really hung out was september 2014. almost a year ago. that was the last time we hung out. THEN i got feelings, THEN i could NEVER get her to hang out with me again. the next time i sort of “hung out” with her was like 10 months later and she was so awkward, like she didnt want me to be there. and then we never talked again. damn.

all the things i wanted to do but never got to:

hang out with her more. hang out at home and watch tv and cuddle. other physemotional stuff. walks in the park. Romantic Dinner. holding hands in the movie theatre. all that bullshit i dreamed of and we never did and which i fantasized about.

it was the most substantial relationship i’ve had with a woman in like 8 or 9 YEARS. it was a better, longer relationship than women i’ve actually pseudodated, that i have made out with or even had secs with. i was way closer to her, than i was to those sluts. we actually had A Relationship where we knew each other. that is hard to lose.

////////////////////////////////////////////

everything you want to say thank you for::::

for being my friend for 2 years and accepting me for who i was and having 2 good years. for being the best relship i had with a woman in many many years.

hehehe i said a lot of this stuff in this Inventory in my very moving emails which she never read or responded to!

///////////////////////////////////////////

eveyrthing you want to say im sorry for :::::::

for making you feel uncomfortable by being weird. really i just wanted to talk about my feelings and our Relationship which was being affected.

for apologizing too much hahahaha. no really i was apologizing to her so much, sorry for being weird, sorry for bugging you, every time i talked to her, i apologized. and she saw me as Breaking Promises, becuase i kept talking to her and wouldnt just accept being thrown away like rubbish.

but yeah i am sorry for being passive aggressive and being a little bitch at times.

not confronting the issue clearly and directly and early enough.

not communicating clearly enough starting in july 2014. should just come right out and asked her about her boifran; asked her if she liked me; then this would prepare the way for me to talk about my feelings later.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////

anything else.?

everything you forgive the ex for, i forgive you hahahaha.

yeah yeah i forgive you, i want to get over this and let go and move on, i forgive you eventually, i got to get over this. TRUST THE PROCESS.

then finally write The Letter and include all the most important shit from above. full sentences like a conversation. then have your letting go ritual. at that point you read the letter out loud with a witness present and lovingly let go of the person hahaha.

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WONT BE WILLING TO WORK FOR IT IF U DONT HAVE FEELINGS

919

oy vey. had dream with the woman. how did it make me feel. unhappy. upset. i said “it doesnt matter” 10 times.

in the dream we were hanging out and she was being a total bitch, just not nice at all, just rude and shallow and horrible and mean and cold. she did not want to hang out just me and her and had to have one of her awful new friends with her. her new friends were awful slutty party gurls who i knew were being a Bad INfluence on her, and she was becoming more liek that.

i was being an asshole too, saying horrible things like how many guys you been with lately? and making all sorts of very sarcastic bitter remarks about how casual sex was such a great thing and i how she has as much casual sex as possible with as many guys as possible, etc, because its just sex and its fun.

and then she complained about a guy she was interested it was texting her but last time they were supposed to hang out he blew her off. oh did you have sex with him too? of course you just have secs with every guy friend, and you have a lot of guy friends! plus you are interested in him, so of course you did. lemme see some naked pictures of you. lets find those in your phone.

then she was like ok me and my friends are gonna hang out and party now, you can go now, see you later.

i was like uhhhhh and then as i was walking away i saw them all partying at their house and i was like see ya later, have fun being huge sluts, thanks for inviting me to your party, i dont like having fun anyway! and being very sarcastic. i of course wanted to continue to hang out so i could maybe get with her, esp if they were going to be drinking. i think in the dream i was drinking too!!!!!

so yeah the dream sucked, to see her turn into a huge slut, who was slutting it up with tons of guys, but i had no chance. not that a slut is a good gurlfran material, but when you realize a gurl is a slut, you think, welp i might as well have secs with her; but she likes having secz with tons of guys….but not you. you turn her off because you are a weak beta hahahaha. of course No Means No, but you are frustrated because she says YES to SO many other guys.

i was also angry abotu being kicked out early while they continued to Party.

this made me think of a time in july 2014 when my feelings were not well defined, were confused. i have stated this before as my Biggest Regret! she was super nice to me, we had a nice afternoon of going to dinner and the park and i thought maybe i should hold her hand or make out with her in the park, but i was still on the fence. she made a statement that i was a good friend. i said thank you you too. but she had just finished with her old boifran and i figured she would not date anyone for like 6 months at least, it would take her a long time to get over that. it would take me YEARS to get over THAT!

but i forget that not everybody is harshly dumped. in their case it was more they both agreed to end it because it wasnt going anywhere, and they both wanted out. see i have never experienced that. i always wanted IN, they always wanted out. a one sided termination, for a one sided luv hahahaha.

anyway i was thinking, well what do we do after the park. should we go back to her house and watch tv or something, because that will really be awkward, because i dont really want to make out, but what if she does.

so i made some excuse i was going to visit my male friend and play vidya games. i was confused and didnt know what i was doing. i think i said you can come along and meet my friend and play vidya games with us too. she said she would be nervous and i said dont be nervous bla bla bla. ultimately i never ended up doing anything hahahaha.

what if i had pushed instead to go to her house and watch tv. then we might have been able to cuddle or make out.

once my feelings became definitely in a few months after that, this was my exact plan. rather than bail out after dinner, then go back to her house and watch tv and try to cuddle. but by that time i was 100% she was Dating Somebody, and she never agreed to to hang out with me ever again hahahaha.

so…..lesson learned?

go with them back to their house and see if they WANT to cuddle or make out. maybe she wouldnt have even wanted to. at the VERY LEAST it would have started a CONVERSATION about how she felt about me, and how i felt about her. rather than me ducking out and avoiding the situation.

now there was never any EXPECTATION that i would go over there, and she never SAID “why dont you come back to my place”, well i think somebody said something like “what are you doing tonight” and i dont KNOW if that is a veiled, loaded statement which means “come back to my place and make out”. maybe if the WOMAN says it.

honestly i didnt know WHAT i wanted!  things were going well but this was the start of some tension.  i was running away from the chance to talk about that tension. then when I wanted to talk about the tension, she didnt want to.

well i wasnt sure she wanted to “Talk abotu the tension” but i didnt even give her the chance.

well theoretically we could have just talked about elsewhere, didnt HAVE to go to somebodys house.

i know that if i had hung out wiht her in october or beyond, i would have directly pushed to go to her house, and if she didnt want to, i would have had the big discussion In The Car!

but yeah, lesson learned, try to go back to the persons house even if you dont want to make out with them, because that will FACILITATE COMMUNICATION, and maybe they will tell you if they like you or if they dont, and you will have MORE INFORMATION.

like if they are all smiling at you like they want you to make out with them, you can be like listen, you are a veyr pretty gurl but im just not ready yet. but i think i could get there. lets keep talking about this. its been on my mind too. lets just take it really slow ok? well ok lets try making out for 1 minute and see how it feels hahahaha.

but its good that we are talking about this openly, lets continue to do that ok.

well she did not push me to come over though. but i dont think nonslutty gurls do this. it was up to me to say “nope im not doin nothin, maybe we could watch tv or something, smoke some MMJ” and she could say ok wanna come over and i would say yes.

but i wanted to AVOID that situation all together, beucase i guess at that time, i was really Weirded Out by the idea of Making Out with her. !!!!

anyway yeah like i say, this was my biggest regret regarding her or at least one of them. and this dream brought it right to the front of my mind.

lesson learned: ALWAYS go to their house EVEN IF you dont want to make out, because then you can work on your communication. have a talk like: do you like me? do i like you? maybe i could. just right now would be kinda weird. let me think abotu it a few more weeks, and lets keep talking about this, lets not push this under the rug, cuz this is important. oh youre dating somebody right now? oh i didnt know that. yeah that just sparked something in me. lets make out now hahahaha.

i was worried about Having To Reject Her if she Jumped on me hahahahah.

lesson learned: dont worry abotu that. let her jump on you. you might come to enjoy it. really the transition from Just Friends to I was in Luv with her took like 1 month. from mid september i whined “but the spark isnt there” then in mid october i was “ok i was wrong, the spark is now there!!!!”

so say gimme a month babe, just gimme one month to soul search and for us to keep talking about this. i am glad this topic has been broached. lets keep this line of communication open. i am thnakful for our friendship and you are a pretty gurl and i’ve thought about this and i thought it was weird that i didnt feel anything….well i didnt feel nothing. i am honestly on the fence right now. i honestly could go either way. i am confused. i will try to get unconfused as quickly as possible so as not to leave you hanging. cuz you are a nice person, and attractive, and its stupid that i am not in luv with you right now.

but i know from experience that i can convert from platonic to non platonic, but there is a transition. but the transition itself migth only take a month. sothats not that bad. give me a month. and we will continue to be in communicado all throughout.

thisis much different that how she responded to my requests for communication. i said i could give you time and space but i cant do this forever, please give me a timeline. 1 month? 2 months? 3 months? i would have told her 1 month, and also the door would be open for communication during that month! it wouldnt be 1month with no contanct, it would be 1 month for me to go thru the transition from platonic to nonplatonic! big difference!

ok did a 3.6er.

so. lesson learned, in something i should have done, for me to feel guilty about, another way i ruined the rel. well i cant look at it like that, a way of me ruining the rel would be me beating her an refusing to stop; or her begging me to talk about our rel and me angrily refusing to talk or go to a shrink hahahahaha;  but NOT me refusing to push to go to her damn house once!

in fact, the next time i hung out with her, i thought, well, maybe this time i WILL ask to go to her house. i said what you doin tonight? in a way that said i might be interested in hanging out moar. and then she said she had to do something errands. this was in august and she was certainly dating that guy; and one of the last times we really hung out.

you dont go from frineds to love feels overnight, it takes a few months or a month of soul searching. but i was more open to the idea in august than i was in july. i was WARMING up to it!

anyway, point is, if she really wanted to commuincate about it, she would have. period.

i really wanted to communicate about it, so bad, that i was pushing and pushing her. if she wanted to talk about it, if she were in luv with me, she would have pushed me. she didnt push me at all.

well true love doesnt PUSH. well maybe not but it DOES talk when the other person clearly wants to talk! you dont HAVE to push! or at least not very hard for very long!

so now iim thinking i ruined this, i was to blame, it was my fault, basically because i did not make out with her in july 2014, when i was not ready to do so!

well, more accurately, that i should have directly addressed the topic then: do you like me? do you want me to make out with you? and instead of asking that, i avoided it, and maybe if i had asked it, things would have been different, and she would have liked me. see how that is kind of ridiculous? within 3 months of that i knew i liked her, yet by then it was too late. if she came back to me within 3 months and said i like u i would definitely say oh yeah lets get it started in hurr.

also if she were being eaten up by unexpressed luv for me, that she was unable to commuincate to me…..i mean shit were STILL HANGING OUT. if i could have got her to hang out even ONCE when I wanted to commuincate, i wouldnt NEED to go back to her HOUSE, assuming she didnt WANT me to. i would have just waited until we were in the CAR, then i’d say LISTEN theres something i need to talk to you about.

she could have done that! assuming she liked me. and i dont think she did hahahaha.

i was thinking the city of cluj something in romania might be a good place to live. its a huge city of 700,000 people, yet nobody has ever heard of it outside of romania, and it is right in the “transylvanian” region, its the biggest city in “transylvania” which is pretty sweet hahahaha. and the romanians are a proud and strong people and will probably defend their country, culture, and people for the rest of my lifetime hahahaha. are the women huge degenerate whores? probably not as bad as they are in US hahahaha.

ukraine or poland or moldova or maybe even russia hahahaha or hungary would also be good.

was she really GOOD to me? well, she was really nice to me in the beginning. but near the end, ie after my feelings came on, no she was not really nice to me. she was not really doing anything special at all. the only benefit was the chemicalz in muh brain, the endoprhins and oxytocins. that was all me being in love with her, not her doing anything special for me.

my book says love is an action, love is doing, its more than words. well she was not giving any words or actions!!!! well she gave some nice words in the past, like inviting me to shit when she was still with her boifran. and i was like isnt that weird.

of course later i said waawawaawawaw i wish i had gone with you to that thing you had invited me to two summers ago hahahaha.

so yeah she was cold and awful near the end. if she really wanted she could have been nice and warm like she used to be, like i wanted her to be. but she clearly didnt really want to be!!!!

but yeah i still prefer being in luv than being luved. because whats the point if you dont have any feelings for them? then you have to be the bad guy, and rejecting them, etc.

took like 18-20 hours to recover from that god damn nyquil hahahaha. but the sleeping was pretty good! its possible the deep stupor sleep of the nyquil caused me to have that stupid dream about the woman!!!! well it perhaps makes you have moar dreams.

hehe i totally would have been down to see a Relationship Shrink, thats how desperate i was. besides i go to a shrink anyway on the reg. i just would have brought her in a couple times and the shrink would say you should cmmuincate moar hahahaha. no this is not a middle class shrink where you pay 500$ a session. this is a solid working class social worker shrink!!!!!

i mean if you already HAVE a shrink, why not bring in your Partner when you have Relship problems!

basically i wanted to fix things or at least FACE them, and she didn’t. the end. she would rather just walk away than FACE them. this happens ALL THE TIME.

basically, if she WANTED the relationship to continue, she would have done something.

also, even if i avoided Going Back To Her House in July 2014 Once, even though she did not speicifically invite me…..i STILL HUNG OUT WITH HER at SOME level.

this is entertaining the hypothesis that she might have liked me in the past, which causes me a lot of regret. but yeah evidence seems to point towards she didnt like me. so i dont even need to entertain those unentertaining hypotheses.

so your a mid twenties woman and you dont know how to dump a guy correctly, even though youve have 5 long term boifrans and 50 short term boifrans and dumped them all?

just type it in to google! how to dump a guy!

http://www.wikihow.com/Dump-a-Guy-Without-Upsetting-Him

actually the first page of google results is NOT very helpful. there is stuff like “how to dump a guy in a mean way” and also long lists of warning signs and red flags and signs you should Dump Him Right Now!!!!!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelwmiller/how-to-break-up-with-someone-like-an-actual-adult#.kdyREmlVL

https://omghow.com/articles/dump-a-guy

basically the stuff I was saying.

  1. be definite that its over, no chance of getting back together.
  2. be respectful and listen to him, let him talk
  3. acknowledge it was an important relationship
  4. its not you its me.

how do women not know this? ive never dumped anyone and i know this, theyve dumped 100000000 guys and they still have no idea, still dump guys in the same horrible ways over and over again, after adding yet one more to their number hahahaha.

http://teens.webmd.com/features/how-to-break-up-with-someone

WebMD For Teens has some good advice that it would be nice if some so called ADULTS used hahahaha yeah im talking about mah woman.

do it in person and be aware their feelings will be hurt. but be firm.

so basically she was the perfect woman for me, but she didnt like me.

so that means if i find a crappy woman i dont respect, but she DOES like me, should i date her? i dont think so, because why should i date somebody i dont even like?

i guess i could use them as a Practice Gurl to gain confidence and experience though. hahahaha. but dont lead them on. i wouldnt even want to break the heart of a poor degenerate practice girl!

i dont want to break anybodys heart!

i would PREFER to be friends with the woman first, rather than feel Rushed into Sex, like so many women rush into sex and then decide they have no feelings for the man and dont want a rel with him. then you shouldnt be having secs with him, ya crazy whore!

like i told woman2, i like you but can we please take it a little slower???!?!?!! i havent had secs with anyone in a very long time! please!

but then thats a sign of unmasculinity, and you’ll never get to have S with them at ALL hahahaha. dumb dirty bitches.

well when you are just friends first, then you get a chance to really get to KNOW the person and VET them and make sure they pass all your tests (for exmaple, being nonpromiscuous, not rushing into secs with strange men!) BEFORE you develop feelings for them.

then they end up dumping you like you were a creepy stranger who never really knew them and paying no respect to the real friendship you once shared.

two to make it, one to break it!

there needs to be more shame on the person who Just Falls Out Of Luv hahahaha. so if a wife Falls out of luv with her husband after 10 years, and they have 3 kids, and she doesnt want to Work On It, because Working On It wouldnt Work, i just cant fall back in luv with him, and i want out! well that is fookin stupid and she should be shamed and shunned.

ANYWAY the difference between this an a real rel, is that the two of us NEVER agreed to be In A Rel. it was ALL one sided. well the friendship was two sided. the friendship was real. but it kinda HAS to end when i get moar feelings, and she doesnt. i GET that.

anyway dont be afraid to ask your female friends how they feel about you; how they feel abotu other guys; how long they have to know a guy before spreading the babbymaker. hopefully a veyr long time. but probably not, in this matriarchal r-selected ghetto hahahaha. quantity not quality.

well i think if you have been in a longterm rel, like over a year or so, and you Just Fall Out Of Love, then you OWE IT TO YOUR PARTNER, is your RESPONSIBILITY to them, to try to understand why this is happening, and to do something to fix it. are they boring as fook? maybe its YOU who are boring as fook, and by going something fun, you can inspire him to be more fun.

hahahahah i am just used to seeing women giving up and leaving at the first sign that everything is not perfect. like a damn deadbeat coward. never willing to take any damn RESPONSIBILITY or do any WORK, expecting everything to be EASY ALL THE TIME. fook you you CHILD.

i know this isnt always all the case. i know she herself was willing to work when SHE had feelings. i guess thats the way feelings, and working for a rel, goes. you are invested in it, you want to make it work, etc.

when you have feelings you are willing to work for it.

in order to be willing to work for it, you have to have feelings.

you wont be willing to work for it if you dont have feelings.

hehehe in some rare cases you might have feelings but not be willing to work on it??? then you are a fookng moron hahaha i cant help ya. idiot.

if you are in a rel you should communicate semi regularly about the state of your rel. like if someone wants to bail out like a quitter, because youre not fun or interesting any more hahahaha. youre not entertaining the little child enough hahahaha.

like a baby with a gun.

except its way easier to respect children, because they have the valid excuse of BEING CHILDREN, plus they dont actually slut it up like promiscuous whores, becuase they are prepubescent and innocent and dont even know what secs is!

basically you shouldnt be able to adult things like secs and secsual reltionshits, if you are not a damn adult! based on the way you act and treat people and communicate, all in shitty immature ways.

so i stopped being fun? thats a fallacy, i was full of fun things to do, but she never wanted to do them!!!!! she wouldnt even hang out with me!

but thats my fault because i am an unfun person trying to do fun things??? but cant get peopel to do fun things with me, because i myself am unfun? to women at least? fook you!!!!

i mean i might be. i was fun enough to be friends with, but NEVER fun enough to be lovers with?

well even though i never had a long term lover, i have no EVIDENCE that it was the lack of FUN that caused it. i mean the only 2 women i had even short term rels with were crazy.

i dont think they were BAD PEOPLE though.

anyway. yeah i will survive but i dont feel i will ever meet someone who is so compatible with me, who i like so much, and feel so close to.

but recognize that she never really DID anything for me, near the end. she didnt put a damn thing INTO the rel, like i did. all that was attaching me, was my own attachment to her, ie, my luv for her. NOT her luv for me, because she didnt have any!

where were the heartfelt emails and heartfelt christmas card messages for me?

so yeah i was doing all the work, cuz i was the only one with feelings!

i can’t fault her for not having feelings for me, i just wish she had told me earlier. and not sent damn mixed messages that we would talk some day. and i wish she had tried a nicer way of “breaking up”, even a text or an email, than NOTHING AT ALL. that is rough for anyone, especially sensitive old ME.

hint: when you have to remind your “friend” that “are you aware that its been 5 months since weve actually hung out?” that is a very bad sign.

this is really only POSSIBLE if you see each other in a nonhangout way, like working. otherwise you just wouldnt have SEEN them in 5 months and then it would make it easier for you to accept that its over, and for you to Disengage. Detach.

its just weird and hard to see someone every day you used to hang out with, used to be better friends with, and now you never hang out with them, and they are pulling away from you. and there is nothign you can do about it!

you can accept it, change it, or leave, sayz muh book. i would have Bent Over Backwards to change anything she wanted me to…..except stop bugging her apparently. well because i wanted to talk to her tho. i couldnt stop bugging her. also i couldnt change her in the sense that i couldnt MAKE her luv me!

and she couldnt change me from luving her, she sure couldnt accept it, so that left her with only leaving.

i could not accept that she did not want to talk to me. uhhh what did i try to change. not sure. i tried to back off her for a little while but i couldnt do that forever cuz…..i still wanted to talk. i guess i was trying to change THAT situation by trying to make her talk. i kept doing that until SHE left. hahahaha.

accept it, change it, or leave hahahahaha.

RELATIONSHIPS TAKE TWO TO MAKE IT, ONE TO BREAK IT

918

TWO TO MAKE IT, ONE TO BREAK IT.

yeah buddy. well this book says it has exercises and worksheets to do on Grief and another on Relationships so i migth do that here.

it also talks about how the Devastation you feel is normal and natural.

it also says you will be getting a strong urge to “pine and search” and seek them out. its normal to have the urge but its bad and harmful to stalk them and go by their house hahahaha that is not recommended.

you think if you could have One More Final Talk with them, you could figure everything out, have closure, try to get an Explanation, ask them just one more final questions, tell them one more thing, i found some solidarity in the quotes from Clients and people who the author got fodder from in writing the book.

oh i just wanted them to say that that our relationship was important to them. or that they EVER luved me.

i just wanted to apologize one more time, i realized another thing i had done wrong, so i could apologize for that and maybe getting them back.

so yeah a lot of familiar thoughts and feelings there! we are not alone hahaha.

yeah decent book, worth the $4, i recommend it.

but yeah i have gotten better about not choosing the same Broken People, for example, woman2,3, and the former woman5 before i removed her from the woman lineup, were basically Crazy Sluts with severe Emotional Problems. of course they ended up more emotionally stable, way more career successful, and more long term relationship success than me, but thats because men have to do all the work in rels hahahaha and women can be on their worst behavior all the time hahahaha.

really the recurring pattern is i keep falling in luv with women who do not have feelings for me!

so really the Intimate Rel never really STARTS.

well except with sluts who have secs early. then they say yeah you know what i dont really have feeligns for you, lets stop having secs, i am bored and this isnt fun any more.

so……..i need to be more FUN? i need to make the women LIKE me more?

hehehe i may need a stronger book if i ever get an Actual Special Rel which Ends. like if i Date a gurl for a year and then she dumps me for stupid reason and i am heartbroken.

but i cant even really DO the Relationship Inventory because we simply did not spend a LOT of time together. we spent a LITTLE time together but yeah i didnt know her friends and family that well; we didnt even hang out regularly; i couldnt even get her to hang out with me for fooks sake.

i would pathetically beg to go to dinner and go out of my way to specify “ILL PAY! MY TREAT!” or wanna go to this event, i will buy your ticket for you, etc.  so she couldnt use the excuse of not having any money to pay for dinner or whatever.  that would not stop most women who have 10000000K $ of credit card debt, and i liked that she was Frugal and fairly responsible with the money mindedness. however she could also easily make the excuse that she doesnt have the money to go out to dinner, or go to a movie, or do ANYTHING, so i would tell her ILL PAY!

when of course the truth was, she just didnt want to hang out with ME.

cuz she didnt want to do free things either, like go to the park or hang out at home.

dont ask to hang out with people who never want to hang out with you! are you really THAT repulsive? hehehe you might think so sometimes, but you are probably not.

relships are stupid. they are so weak and tenuous. they require the consent and agree of BOTH parties at all times. and the instant ONE person decides they dont want to be in the rel any more……..its over.

it takes TWO people to START, and ONE person to END.

hard to start, easy to end.

i think i have gotten over any grief from my past, i have gotten over all the other heartbreaks and learned the lessons. dont fall in luv with flaky sluts, dont fall in luv too fast, act in a timely manner once you get feelings, and now, be more direct with communication, act in an even more timely manner, try to be friends first, dance through the minefield, make one misstep and KABOOM hahahahaha.

anyway so many heartbroken people think that oh if they could just have ONE MORE TALK with the person, they could convince them to stay, they could FIX things. i thought/think the same thing! but i am learned that when that person is DONE and CHECKED OUT and FINISHED, nothing is gonna change their mind. they have single handedly ended the relationship. thats just how relships work. its fooking gay.

yet i still think Relationships are a Good Thing and we should strive towards having Good Relationships between men and women.

Most Western White Women are degenerate nihilists and have a negative view of Relationships themselves!

“Relationships suck. relships are too much drama. too much work. not worth it. i would rather just date casually and be a huge promiscuous whore.” hahahaha.

ALL my relships with women, well the “love” relships, have been NOT WORTH IT, yet i still BELIEVE, iama TRUE BELIEVER in the inherent Goodness of Relships. Modern Western Women are true believers in the inherent badness of longterm monog special luv relships. how TWISTED and DEGENERATE is that!

well, maybe not “MOST”, but maybe only a Small Majority, like 55 or 60% hahahaha. oh wait. a “Small Majority” IS “MOST.”

hahahahaha.

anyway yeah i GUESS i was slightly comforted to know that what happened to me has happened to many many thousands and millions of people.

people single handedly ending relationship because theyre just DONE, they dont WANT to fix it, they just want OUT. people running away, disappearing, ignoring, avoiding.

they wont talk to you one more time, nothing you say can convince them. they dont WANT to fix it, they WANT it all to END, they want to be DONE and damn is that a simple process for them. they just decide its over, and then its over. damn.

i guess the lesson is, dont get feelings before having secs because women always have secs too soon hahahaha; no honestly, dont get feelings until they start to show some feelings for YOU.

well there was one time when i thought she might have feelings for me, around july 2014, then my feelings switched on a mere 3 months after that, in october 2014. wouldnt she still be able to rekindle feelings at that point, IF she indeed had any? probably. i know i would be able to rekindle feelings even after like a year of no contact. and we def we not no contact, we saw each other every day and got along pretty well from july to october.

but you cant really control when you get feelings. i got feelings and it was bad timing!

anyway if you get feelings, blurt it out within three months.

but its ridiculous if you get feelings if you dont know the girl at all.

this kinda happened with woman2012. i got feelings for her before we even started hanging out! stupid!

and we did not even hang out that much, or become that close of friends, i was much closer with woman2015!!!!

it just sucks to be close to someone, then they become a stranger, by withdrawing, and not caring abotu you any more.

but muh breakup book shows that this happens all the time.

but why do these people do this?

because they are Broken People?

my book says, when you get thoughts like this, say “it doesnt matter” 3 times hahahaha.

also if someone avoids hanging out wiht you for 3 months then blurt it out already, write them an email, the email wont fix anything, because its ALREADY OVER.

well ok. just because communication probably wouldnt have fixed this, because she jsut wanted out, and no amount of commuincation would have CHANGED that, doesnt mean that commuincation itslef is inherently useless or futile. an exercise in futility hahahaha.

but we see that Two To Make It, One To Break It motif once again: BOTH people have to want to communicate, for commuincate to work or event to merely happen. if one person desperately wants to commuincate and the other person doesnt……its not gonna work. its already over.

so in other words, it was over between me and her before i even knew it. it was over the moment she refused to communicate with me!

maybe you should just try to Bang any Nonugly female friend you ever have, even if you think it would be weird. fook it. do it anyway. better to be weird now than weird later. better to be weird now than you fall in luv with her later and never get to bang her hahahaha.

so i should have tried to bang her immediately? tried to get her to cheat on her boifran at the time? maybe! i dunno about that though. i did honestly respect their relship. i did not respect the relship between her and the new boifran though. i would try to get her to cheat on that. but she was in luv with him and was upset when he cheated on her hahahaha.

but i thought jealous was the most immature emotion, nobody OWNS anybody like a Controlling Slavemaster Oppressive Patriarcy! You dont OWN ME! YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MAH BODY!!!!!!

anyway. yeah i guess i should have tried to bang her the instant she broke up with her boifran. just moved in there like a wolf. a hawk. even if i didnt have feelings.

use her as a practice gurl hahahaha. no i couldnt do that because I Respected Her Too Much.

so say you are heartbroken and you meet a Degenerate Slut you dont respect, who likes to have Casual Sex with all these guys. Should You Bang Her?

OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. It will give you valuable EXPERIENCE and CONFIDENCE. Just WRAP IT UP (beause these dirty whores wont care! theyve already got The Clap and HPV and Herpes and Chlamydia), and remember that there are nondegenerate women in the world, not all women are like that, and do not treat respectable nondegenerate women the way disrespectful way you treat nonrespectable degenerate women!!!! dont let that make you a woman hater. but the Casual Sex will make you more CONFIDENCE and EXPERIENCED, which are valuable skills for pulling Actual Worthwhile Women!

not that all human beings lives dont have value.

just that SOME people are more valuable than others when you are looking for a monogamous longterm special relationship partner, a wife and mother of your children! duuuuuuuuuuhhhh!

maybe i could have got her to not walk out if i had had a babby with her hahahaha.

well, some women will still walk out on you EVEN IF YOU HAVE BABBYS WITH THEM! take the babbys with them and wilfully kick the father out of the childrens life just because! for no reason. because they dont luv you and they just want out of the rel.

ok time for the 3.6 miler hahaha.

ok did it. did not do much jogging on it.

anyway. red flags. when i first met female friend, she told me all about her life and actually i felt that was a little Too Much, and thats part of why i kept her at a distance. i was just like mmm hmmm ok but thinking why are you telling me all this? all this personal and intense family stuff. funny she was more intimate with me that way in the VERY BEGINNING than she was after two years. then she would not want to tell me anything about her life at all! but at that very begnning, i was like this gurl has had a very hard, sad, tough life and i feel SORRY/PITY for her, but i could never be with a woman that has that much baggage.

usually that type of baggage leads them to being a huge whore, so i suspected her of that at first. of being very promiscuous, irresponsible, etc, cuz no good father figure.

as i came to know her i saw that she was responsible and non promiscuous. this caused me to like and trust her more.

where did it all go wrong? it really almost doesnt matter. if i had been direct and communicated about her New Boifran, or talked about my feelings to her, she probably STILL would have distanced herself from me and rejected me, maybe it would jsut happen a little softer. which would have been worth it hahaha.

anyway i guess the lesson is Always Be Communicating hahahaha.

if you have a female friend and she is NICE and you GET ALONG and she is not ugly, have A Talk every month or two months about if maybe you should try dating or Banging.

im not sure if i ever said “I COULD NEVER DATE HER”. i just said “ugh. that would be weird.”

i had other female friends and this was never a problem!!!!

is this a “when harry met sally” type thing? i dunno maybe. never saw that stupid movie. rob reiner is trash. i try not to watch trash. well theres way worse trash out there now on tv all the time.

when my female fren was with her original boifran, i was never jealous or envious. however when she ended it with him and started dating this other guy, someone secretly………….THEN i started to get envious or jealous.

pay attention to the jealousy! it can be the first start of feelings.

then i should said whats the deal with your new boifran your not telling me about? i am surprised you would date someone so quickly. unless its just a casual rebound thing and not serious. then wanna try dating me too? we could bang and cuddle and make out and im a lot moar fun than this guy. but yeah kinda sleazy of you to have secs with two guys at once, women worth dating dont do that hahahaha.

and then she coulda said hurrr durrr i dunno it just sorta happened i dunno and i like him.

then i would been like baby you just dont know what you want right now. why dont i take you dinner and we can hang out and you can tell me all about everything and we can cuddle.

hehehe thats pretty manipulative isnt it. yes it is.

well as long as we were hanging out and talking. that would be the main thing.

besides she DID rush too fast into the rel with the new guy. fall in love with some guy she didnt even know. come on.

so talking and communicating would have done us no good. then i just wish she had liked me hahahahaha and wanted to spend time with me and cuddle and talk and make out and have luving relship secs hahahaha. oh god.

well i am not gonna contact her of course! i have my one month chip as of yesterday. bet she feels stupid. she thought i would be a creepy stalker! and i told her i wasnt! and indeed i wasnt! idiot slut. hahahaha.

but yeah i romanticized the good times. we had like 10 good times which was respectable, but i built them up so much! well really for a while every time i saw her was a good time. but we really didnt hang out enough ever. we didnt hang out as much as Good Friends should hang out. then i fell in luv with her and wanted to hang out more, and then she didnt want to hang out AT ALL. i wanted to hang out MORE, she wanted to hang out LESS. bad sign.

she was nicest to me when she was going out with the first boifren! which made me feel a little weird. like yeah i really lke you being nice to me, but…..do you want to cheat on your boifran with me? thats wrong, i know you know its wrong. but i wish i could help you because he should be treating you better. i could treat you better, just end it with him first.

then she ended it with him and started datng someone else!

then that ended and i really started pushing! and she got my signal and then started pulling away from me. no dating for me hahahaha.

anyway it is sad to think we were never as close as i thought we were. that something was always off.

well its true the timing was always a little off but i think she appreciated the Rel at one point. july 2014 was one of those high points.

anyway the real reason it ended was because she didnt have feelings for me. period. also she was not willing to talk about the relationship because she knew the talk was gonna be abotu my feelings, whic she didnt share, so it was OVER. nothing to talk about really.

i wish it were different hahahaa that she did have feelings. i would have been very good to her.

anyway i like the idea that when you enter a relationship with somebody, you accept certain RESPONSIBILITIES. for example, fidelity, loyalty, not cheating, and indeed putting them on a kinda pedestal, because they are special to you, and you gladly sacrifice other Romantic Opportunities.

but people dont want these RESPONSIBILITIES any more.

i hate responsibilities too, but in the case of a rel with someone i luv, the word would not have negative connotation. i would GLADLY take those responsibilities because i luv them and want to be with them and ONLY them.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER SAID FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER

821

i just want to make clear that i am not condemning her as a person for ghosting me because i think she intended to just give me the cold shoulder for a while, and didnt premeditatedly intend to hurt me, and then my overreaction to the cold shoulder made it develop into a ghosting which she really never intended. so all this is really my fault 100% hahahahahaha. anyway she is not a cold blooded repeat ghoster. but i couldnt even handle a cold shoulder and then it slippery sloped into a ghost. but i think the cold shoulder is a relative of the ghost. they are both forms of AVOIDANCE. cowardly avoiding elephants in rooms.

817

well this is the most beautiful email/thing ever written from one person to another. i will try diligently to scrub all personal information so that will make it more incoherent. she will prob never read this but i feel it is a great example of love, albeit one sided love, but still shows what love is, and how much one person can care for another, how deeply we can be hurt, and how our emotions and love are stronger than normalfag nonmonogamous cheaters who just use and abuse people like disposable garbage meat. but not us!

821

it is creepy and mentally ill and violent and abusive to go on the internet and abuse someone by airing private laundry.  but i do so to vindicate myself in some way, and to provide Comfort For The Ghosted.

I don’t think I deserved to Get Ghosted. I think the things I asked for in my Post Ghosting Email were not unreasonable, given the fact that we had a history, we used to respect each other, and even if I was sort of lying about Fully Accepting That It’s Over, because I will always Want Her Back, and therefore will try not to write any more emails, it took this email for me to learn that. and 90% of what I write echoes the sentiment of REASONABLE people who RIGHTFULLY dislike and frown on the immature, rude, disrespectful behavior of Ghosting.

And I echo REASONABLE sentiments about Communciation, Respect, Basic Human Courtesy, that Ghosting rudely spits in the face of.

If anything I was TOO nice about it! I had more of a right to get Righteous Indignant in Demanding my Satisfaction!

It would be bad karma if I tried to expose who she was or who i am. I don’t want anyone to know who we are. just anonymous americans hahahaha who could live in any town in any state. both i or she could be your friend or relative. i dont wish her major ill will in life……i just wish she had treated me more respectfully. and i think she does deserve to not feel GOOD about this, it should cause her some guilt to hurt another person in this way, when it could have been so easily avoided. but it is not my right to dole out that guilt.  but i do want to use this email to tell a story about Ghosting, Rejection, Communication.  but i AM very concerned about karma and i dont want to bring bad karma…….to myself hahahahahahaha. by publicly dragging her through the mud.

but i do want to publicly show an 90% anonymous Story of Ghosting and How I was Justified in wanting Basic Human Respect, and Open Direct Communication, about an issue that was affecting both of us.

hey i hold no grudge against her. i want the best for her and her life. she was just a good person doing a bad thing which hurt me deeper than i have been hurt in many years. and to prove to jezebel journalists that not all guys who get ghosted deserve it, because then they go on huge twitter rants after they get ghosted, trying to run the ghost through the mud by name.

well being rejected this harshly would make the most secure person upset and angry! that doesn’t PROVE youre an abusive monster!

i just am insecure about that because i while i dont have any iron clad proof I AM an abusive monster, I dont have any proof im NOT an abusive monster either. Which would be a Happy Healthy Long Term RElationship that began and ended without any abuse by me.

well i never abused this woman during 3 years of Friendship, that should mean something.

[edit: i didnt mean i wanted an award because its SUCH AN ACHIEVEMENT to never abuse a woman jsut even once. doesnt everybody get one? hahahaha. NO. i MEANT that there is such MISANDRY in the current year, that sick degen marxist journalists and commentators want to paint ALL MEN as abusers. patriarchy and rape culture and shit. so that even Big Softies like me are ABUSING WOMEN WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT. BULLSHIT. you want a rape culture look at the #rapeugees which are gang raping women in europe. #refugeesnotwelcome hahahaha. basically i meant that if you are in a state of low self confidence, as you may be when devastatingly dumped, you may be very TRIGGERED by anti-male writing like jezebel that insists that you DESERVE shitty treatment because you had internalized misogyny that you used to abuse women without even knowing it, you were the bad guy here, you made her do this, you caused this, you made the choice and brought this on yourslef. BULLSHIT. ]

but even if i was not abusive, i was TOXIC, which is PRE-ABUSIVE and means you WILL be abusive.

this is why you must NEVER read jezebel journalists, or ANY professional journalists. it si pure POISON that requires a lot of STRENGTH and SECURITY to withstand, and we just aren’t that secure yet. so just stay away from it. vomit it out and stay away from it.

 

///////

This is a REALLY long email, but I just had a few things I needed to express. Please read this (doesn’t need to be all at once, it’s ridiculously long!) and think about it; and please respond someday, even if just a short email in the future, and most of all, please don’t hate me. [i will add current commentary in square brackets. ok see i was too nice about not wanting to be hated.]  Let’s try to end this in the best way possible, rather than the worst way possible. [yes. directly saying what i wanted. theres a better way to end this.]

I probably won’t send any more. But writing these does help me to move on, and to let go, to get a sense of closure, and to be able to say some things I want to say. I don’t think they are better left unsaid; I also think that saying them does not bring bad karma to either you or me. I want to be really careful not to bring any more pain to either of us.

Hope you are doing ok. I just wanted to say I will always be willing to talk to you at any time in the future, if you ever want to talk. [by being so nice i really do not stand up for my self so well, i act like somebody who does not want or deserve respect. i was still thinking i was The Only Bad Guy because I Pushed her too hard and Scared Her. or Annoyed Her.]

I was angry at how you seemed to turn your back on me. I don’t know if you meant to hurt me, but I sure never meant to hurt you. I just wish you had said something, like “sorry but I don’t share your feelings” or “please don’t talk to me for a few months” or something. I never wanted to make you hate me like this. It’s fine if you don’t share my feelings, but please don’t hate me. I’m not a bad guy or a horrible person or an evil abuser or sociopath. [all very true!]

I know I was ridiculous and just too much to handle, but I don’t think what I did was bad enough for you to hate me forever, and for things to end in this way. I felt that your reaction of not responding to me at all would be more appropriate if I had done something extremely cold or cruel to you, like cheated on you, betrayed you, abandoned you, or abused you, and I really don’t think I did any of that. I just wanted to express my true feelings to you, and have a direct, honest conversation about it. [yep another decent paragraph]

I accept that it’s over. But it doesn’t need to end so badly and hurtfully. We can still end it in a mutually respectful, compassionate, humane way. [well i accepted in my MIND that its over but not in my heart. in my heart of hearts i still want her. but no lie about wanting to end it in a mutually respectful way! although now MY respect for HER is waning because of the way she treated it and gave ME no respect!]

We once had a great friendship, and we are still both decent, good-hearted people who deserve respect from each other. When you turned away from me, I felt that you were saying that our entire past friendship was worthless, and I don’t think that’s true at all. Our friendship meant a lot to me. I don’t think I betrayed it or canceled it out by getting feelings. I couldn’t help getting feelings. But that meant that things did need to change. But I think we can handle that change so that neither of us gets hurt too much. Right now I am really hurt by the idea that you hate me and maybe think I betrayed you. I feel you are treating me like a monster, and probably you don’t mean to do that, and that’s all my perception. But that’s still how I feel. I wasn’t perfect, but I don’t think I was a monster. [true statements, but again i am bowing down too much like a supplicator]

It’s ok that things need to end. We just have different feelings towards each other, want different things from each other. This is just a part of life that everybody goes through, I’ve gone through it before. But my point is, we can end things peacefully and kindly, rather than cold, angry, and bitter. [TRUTH!!!!!!!!]

We can end things with a better sense of closure than this. It won’t take away all the pain and disappointment, but I guarantee it will make both of us feel a lot better over the long run. I’ve experienced disappointments both with and without closure, and with closure is a million times better. [TRUTH!]

Please let’s try to have better closure. Just tell me you don’t hate me, and can treat me like a human being, and that our friendship meant something to you, and that you believe me when I say it was not a fake, because that is the absolute truth. [the not hating me really doesn’t matter, its the not treating me with respect that is the problem. treat me like a human being. that part was direct. and the friendship WAS very important to me! thats why this ghosting hurt so much, and was so shocking!]

We don’t need to have a long conversation, although I’m more than willing to. I’ve said a lot of what I really wanted to say. Really I just want some assurance from you that you will not hate or be angry at me or remember me negatively; and that our past friendship meant something to you. [you see how i candy coat things a little to be nice, but you can also see the truth of what i was saying too. you can say intense things in a nice way, which was all i was trying to do by saying “please dont hate me,” even though it techincally is “supplicating”]

I could see you being so angry because maybe you thought that whole past friendship was fake, and that I betrayed all that and threw it all away, but I don’t think that’s the case, at all. It was very real to me, and I wanted to address my new feelings as soon as they happened, so they wouldn’t become a problem. [total truth!!!! total vindication! saying things like this is why i wrote these emails! because we couldnt communicate about this stuff together!] Also I was afraid to discuss the topic of your relationships with you, but I don’t see that as me lying, being fake, or betraying you. [kinda unclear, but referred to me dancing around certain topics with her, like her “new boyfriend.”]

Also I understand you being scared and frightened by my weird, creepy behavior, which was just too overwhelming, and impossible to respond to. That’s very understandable! [yeah yeah yeah i guess, whatever. so i was pushy. she could have said SOMETHING. we knew each other for almost 3 years, we USED to communicate.] All I can say to that was that I’m not perfect, I don’t communicate in the best way, I was feeling a lot of stress and anxiety and desperation and was emotionally compromised, but I never, ever wanted to betray you or make you hate me. [i was under a lot of stress, i felt like a nervous breakdown, still not over that, it will take 600 days hahaha]

I know I annoyed you a LOT, and I scared you too. I would be scared if someone acted that way toward me! [i guess i was manipulative as well as supplicating with my “forced empathy” right? making me the 100% bad guy who desereved to get ghosted. ] I know I made mistakes, and did not communicate very well at all, but when you pushed me away and stopped talking to me entirely, and unfriended me, and blocked me, I felt really hurt. It will take me a long time to get over that. I’m still hurting. I don’t know if you ever read these emails or if you just deleted them immediately, or set up email to delete them automatically, but I hope you can listen to me now with the same sense of compassion and kindness which we showed each other during the times when our friendship was strong. [very good points. along with the cringeworthy pvssy stuff, there are lots of very good solid points in here]

I didn’t intend to kill our friendship by getting feelings, and I could understand if that’s why you’re so angry. I just couldn’t help getting feelings. You can’t choose when or who you get feelings for. To pretend those feelings didn’t exist and try to go on with the friendship, now that would be a true fake and a lie. It is really painful to lose such a good friendship, and maybe that’s how you feel. That would be sort of good actually, because at least then I would know that you thought our friendship was worth something. It sure was worth a lot to me! It hurts me to lose it too, but I was at a crossroads, and I felt it was better karma in the long run to live honestly, and confess my feelings to you, rather than live a lie, and have our friendship become a lie. That would be the real betrayal. [well i dont know if it would be “the real betrayal”, like i said, this thing isnt 100% PERFECT, because you gotta be 100% PERFECT in order to have a job or a decent relationship hahahaha]

Of course this had to change/affect our friendship. When one person gets feelings in a friendship, it can’t not change things. Things have to change, even end. It will be painful and difficult. But I think they can still end peacefully, with respect on both sides. I will always have respect for you, but I feel like you hate me and see me as less than human, like I am a horrible rapist psycho sociopath, or total piece of shit deadbeat. I cannot handle that. I can handle you not sharing my feelings though. [yes sir, good paragraph. like i said, there is tons of good shit in here that DID get my point across, and which any self respecting person would agree with: ghosting is not a mature respectful thing to do, and i did not deserve ghosting!]

I know you were angry at me, but I can’t believe you hated me that much, or wanted to hurt me that much. You were always so kind and caring, and to be so cold was not like you. I know I angered and scared you, but I still don’t think I deserved such a harsh treatment, and I really don’t think you meant to be so harsh. that’s just how things happened. [i was honest about feeling like i was treated harshly. i felt like i was! but i was still A Pvssy and gave her a way out by saying “you didn’t mean to hurt me though.” maybe she didn’t. doesnt mean i wasnt hurt and that i deserved this treatment! really i deserve an apology and for her to make amends with ME, more than i need to make amends with HER by being pushy for communication!]

It’s fine if you could never share my feelings for you. I can get over that! What really hurts me is I feel you have rejected me as a person, as a human being, like I am just some disgusting horrible monster who doesn’t deserve any kind of compassion or kindness. And since I know you are a kind person, it hurts even more, and is terribly confusing, to see that coming from you, and to think that you feel that way towards me. You were always really nice to me, and I really appreciated that human kindness. I wish I had shown it to you better. [i showed i felt i was a human being who deserves to be treated like a human being. good, valid point.]

It hurts when you have something good and then you lose it, like the closeness, trust, and kindness we once had. We weren’t random strangers who only knew each other for a few weeks. Then this sort of anger and coldness might be appropriate. We were friends who knew each other for several years, and trusted each other, and had mutual respect and understanding for each other. I felt we had a real connection, and I had not connected like that with someone in a long time. It hurts so much to have that fade away. I would rather have a huge argument where we scream at each other, rather than everything ending this way, so coldly. [god damn right. we weren’t strangers, i wasnt a random stranger, we had had a good friendship for almost 2 years, and knew eachother for almost 3 years. you dont ghost a person like that.]

I know you have been abandoned by people you cared for and who you thought cared for you, and then they just walked away, abandoned you, never to hear from them again. PLEASE don’t do that to me. That’s kind of what it feels like. I will never understand it, and it’s caused me great pain. You don’t have to share my deeper feelings. It’s pretty obvious you don’t! But please try to treat me with respect and compassion like you once did, like you would treat any human being who is suffering. Please don’t hurt me in the same awful way others have hurt you in the past. You’re just not that kind of person. [this cuts deep and maybe i should redact it. before i knew the word “ghosting” this was the closest idea i knew of, being ABANDONED by somebody you cared for. I knew this had happened to her. i tried to manipulate her into seeing how hurtful this was, because she had been hurt this way herself. but its not entirely manipulate to want to END THE CYCLE OF ABUSE hehehehe]

I’m not a bad person either, I never meant to betray you or lie to you. As soon as things changed, I wanted to be honest about it, and the more I avoided the truth, the more the tension grew obvious between us. I really wanted to talk about it in person, I was very stubborn about that, but I felt such a discussion was best had in person, in private, a “heart to heart” talk. So that’s why I didn’t “blurt it out” in text or email or just during a break at work; in hindsight I probably should have, just to get it out already, so that things did not reach a boiling point. [yeah true. but she could have talked to me in a timely manner rather than AVOIDING. all ghosting is is AVOIDANCE. I am avoidant myself so pot and kettle, but i have never GHOSTED somebody and after this experience, I really never want to! almost as bad as cheating hahahahahaha]

We used to get along really well and really naturally, easily, effortlessly, no awkwardness, right away. Like two peas in a pod! That does not happen very often for me at ALL, and I don’t think it happens very often for you either. Please try to remember those times, because I am still that same person. [this is all true, but here i also give away my true feelings: i want us to rekindle this special connection, please change your mind.]

I think I NEEDED to know you for a long time before I developed feelings for you, because in the past, I had gotten feelings too fast, before I really knew and trusted the person, and I just ended up hurting myself by opening my heart too fast to someone I wasn’t compatible with. [very insightful and true!]

But with you, I just let our friendship grow naturally, and I grew to know you and trust you over time. This trust and long-term friendship helped cause my feelings to change, along with many other interacting causes: you and old long term guy ending, you and new short term guy beginning and ending, me and you hanging out at bla bla (then I had my first early, vague feeling that things were in the process of changing), going to bla bla, going to the bla bla concert, or when we used to sit next to each other at work last year and still got along pretty well, and talk and laugh. [true but same thing, i tried to share the important things for me that helped me fall in love with her, because i am really trying to i guess “break” her and make her not ghost me, and ultimately make her fall n love with me, live happily ever after. semi manipulative but i dont think i can be blamed too much.]

We had a great connection which was lost, and I am mourning that loss with great sorrow. [fookin A right!]

We were open and honest in talking about most things, BUT the one important exception was, I was always afraid to ask you about your “new boyfriend” last summer, and you were probably hesitant to tell me. [well, not the ONLY exception. i should have been just as direct in teling her about my feels for her.] In hindsight, I should have directly asked you about that immediately, and helped us become more comfortable talking about those sort of things. It would have helped us communicate better about my own feelings, which were starting to develop around that time. [very true, although i should have supplicated more in asking about HER feelings, not just me. well excuse me for not writing the perfect email. i am totally rekt after all!]  Especially since your relationship with new guy was part of what caused my feelings for you to finally change when they did. I honestly was very surprised to see you dating someone so soon after previous long term rel. That made me think about how you and me got along so well, and we had compatible values and personalities, and I started to wonder if I might be a better person for you than new guy was. [very true. i expressed some solid truths to her here which i wish i could have expressed in person, when we were still on speaking terms, rather than a post-ghosting email which will probably be immediately deleted and never even read.]

Of course you can’t make people change their feelings! I’ve learned that lesson very well over the years. [very damn true. see i get a lot of stuff right here!]

But please don’t throw me away like a piece of garbage. I’m still pretty much the same person I ever was. My feelings for you changed, but I don’t think that cancels out the time we had before that at all. [fookin a right.] You don’t have to “like me back”, and I fully accept that you don’t, but I wish we could finish this with the same spirit of compassion, courtesy, and kindness that we started with. I know you’re not a bad person, and neither am I, and it just seems so unlike you to completely shut somebody out and slam the door in their face, leave them without ever talking to them again, like it feels you’ve done to me. [essentially defining ghosting right there een though i didnt know the word! and again demanding the respect i rightfully deserve! i never ABUSED her! i never cheated on her! i never ghosted her!]

I’m not asking for you to return my feelings, because I know you just can’t do that, and I accept that. I’m just asking you to treat me more humanely please, and let me down a little softer. [so i dont FULLY accept it, but yeah i DO want to be let down softer. the point clearly stands.]

The idea of karma is very important to me. We may never be able to be friends again, but let’s please try not to hate each other the rest of our lives. It’s NEVER too late to finish this in a more civil way. I will ALWAYS be willing to talk to you. If you don’t want to respond to me right now that’s fine. Just please try to do it someday, maybe after the pain is not so fresh.

I know I hurt, angered, annoyed, and frightened you, creeped you out, and I am truly sorry for that, and wish I had done things different. I would like to make amends with you, to set things right, so that you can forgive me. What could I do to do that? I think that it’s pointless to ask for forgiveness if you are not willing to make things right, to prove that you are truly sorry, to try to right the wrong. So I want to truly earn and deserve your forgiveness. [well i think SHE needs to earn MY forgiveness, because her ghosting has hurt me, more than me being Pushy About Talking has hurt HER.]

Also I am asking you to please reconsider how you are handling this now. I’m not asking you to return my feelings, I’m not asking us to return to being friends the way we used to be before everything changed, and I’m not sure that’s even possible. [yes. this is the more important thing i am asking. reconsider ghosting me.]

I’m just asking that you please try to understand where I’m coming from, and to realize I am not some hateful crazy monster sociopath abuser trying to hurt you, but just a decent human being who used to get along with you really well. [its ok to ghost an abuser, but i was not an abuser!!!!!!!!]

I was worried that you were so angry with me because you thought I had a “hidden agenda” from the moment we first met in 2012, that I was secretly conspiring to get with you from the very start. I swear this is not the case at all. If it was, I probably would have tried to push you and old long term guy to break up, or pushed you to cheat on him! In fact, I was hoping that you and old long term guy would fix your problems and live happily ever after! [because theres no communication in ghosting, thats WHAT IT IS is no communication. i was playing what if and wondering why. i thought this was why she was so mad at me. that i had betrayed our whole friendship, or i had a hidden agenda the moment from first meeting her. i wanted to dispel this misconception.]

Previously in my life, I’d always gotten feelings really quick, right away, and I even told you that, that afternoon  when we went to bla bla, and you confided in me about the troubles with you and old long term guy, and I talked about the woman I was getting over at the time. [we had a couple of good heart to heart talks in the past, which made me trust her and her trust me and which i felt solidified our connection and thought we could communicate, eventually, about the issues that ultimately happened between us.]

But with you, the onset of my feelings was very different. It was the first time in my whole life that this happened, and this surprised me a lot, because I never thought it could happen to me: what started out as feelings of friendship, turned into deeper feelings.  In fact, those initial feelings of friendship built a foundation of trust, and time, and understanding, which helped cause the deeper feelings which came later. You know how they say the strongest relationships started out as just friends, then grew into something deeper. That’s pretty much what happened to me. [god fooking damn beautiful truth. part of what makes this the most beautiful email ever written.]

I don’t think I could have kept my feelings bottled up forever. I was trying to send you signals pretty much as soon as the feelings started. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that that’s when the tension first started between us. You were sending me the pretty clear signals that you did not want to hang out and talk. However I was hoping against hope that we would eventually talk about everything: if not this week then next; if not this month then next, and that pattern continued for about 10 months, until my emotions boiled over in the worst possible way, and things blew up between us in the worst possible way. [yep. two super real and great paragraphs in a row.]

I think signals can get the broadest idea of a message across, but often in a painful way, and it’s much better to talk and discuss the signals fully, so as to minimize the pain and anger. [very very very true, me! WELL MEMED, MUH BOY! stuff like this is what makes this a More Good rather than More Bad Email. aka, a Net Win for me.]

I can deal with our friendship being over, but I have a very hard time dealing with it ending in the cold, abrupt, angry way it did. We are both decent, good, honest, kind people, and we should try to treat each other as such. I’m sorry I communicated so poorly, with such bad timing, and with such little empathy for your feelings and for where you were at in your life with your family and your relationships (you being heartbroken from new guy and still getting over him, and maybe old guy too. And you facing tragedy after tragedy with personal stuff). [yeah it WAS bad timing. but i couldnt hold back any longer. and it IS hard to deal with Bad Timing. but i dont think Bad Timing warrants Ghosting.]

I just feel really bad about you freezing me out completely though, without even writing an email, or having a long talk. [definition of ghosting hahaha] I know that’s just not the kind of person you really are, and I don’t want to remember you like that. I know you are a decent, kind person. I don’t want us to look back at this in years and think we should have handled that different, or to be angry and bitter. [very true]

I know I cannot change your feelings. I can’t make you like me the way I wanted, and I accept that fully. [well, not really fully. i was just trying to tell her that i, on an intellectual, rational, realistic level, understood what was happening. it will take me MONTHS, 600 DAYS, to Really FULLY ACCEPT it and Not Want Her Anymore.]  I just want you to understand where I was coming from, and that I am not a horrible person, and that I really wished we had communicated better about all this. It’s never too late to write me an email please. [begging for basic human dignity. but my heart was truly breaking! it is beautiful and heartbreaking! if this doesnt melt the hardest heart, nothing will.]  I told you you could tell me anything and that is still true.

I honestly have not felt this bad in many years, 2009 maybe, before we ever met. This is me at my worst, and you have never seen me like this before. It is not pretty. My sense of confidence is completely devastated. I am doing everything I can to turn things around though, and try to improve my own personal issues. It would really help if you could just give me some word, and please not be angry at me, and help me not be angry at you. I don’t want us to remember each other with anger. It’s ok if things didn’t work out the way we wanted, but let’s please treat each other with kindness and respect. We are both still decent people. [yeah pretty much. and she probably still is a decent person believe it or not, doing an insanely indecent thing out of FEAR. not even fear of ME because i am a weird stalker creeper insecure niceguy woman hater, but more like Fear Of Dealing with Conflict, Dealing with Relationships, Dealing With Issues Happening With Relationships.]

Feel free to show this to your [family member], they would have a valuable outside opinion. Or anyone you really trust. Outside meaning a third party who is simply not me or you! [i wanted her to get outside opinions to get her to listen to reason; point her towards reasonable people to show her how SHE was being unreasonable. uncharacteristically unreasonable! that hopefully another person could give her some perspective on. i had met the family member and felt that they would not encourage her to Ghost Me, or would nudge her to treat me a little better. this was and will always be a good idea. maybe its manipulative because i know the relative might be more sensible. but whats wrong about wanting a person to be SENSIBLE rather than NON SENSIBLE, especially when their non sensibility is hurting you, and you wish they werent hurting you so much. nothings wrong with that.]

Please never forget that you can always contact me at any time in the future, months or years even. my email.com, cell phone num, home phone num, full mailing address given here.  Sometimes the word “karma” sounds silly, but I think both you and I understand what it means, we’ve talked about it, and we agree that it’s very important and real. This may be the end, but we don’t have to end it this badly. It is within our control to end it more smoothly, with good karma, with no anger or resentment. [yes yes very true] I’m sorry for communicating so badly, and for not truly understanding where you were at in your life. What can I do to make amends to you and have you forgive me? [meh] And please reconsider shutting me out so completely. [yes. really i think i deserve her amends, more than she deserves MY amends!] Right now I feel like you will always hate me, and that is making it so difficult to move on and get over things. That’s probably why I keep reaching out to you and writing these emails. If you’re still too angry to respond, know you can always respond at any time in the future, even a long time from now. [better late than never, it really never is too late to TRY to repair karma, although the sooner the better hahahaha]

[here is where it gets both beautiful, heartbreaking, and possibly “manipulative” in the sense that i very very emotionally appealed to the beauty and depth of our connection, because i really want to Get Back Together. but our Connection Was Once Real, and it really meant a lot to me, so i dug into those feels to heartbreaking and beautiful extent here.]

[ok im deleting these parts because they are TOO PERSONAL.]

[ok i have deleted probably the most beautiful parts of this email, which would make anyone with a heart weep, because ultimately these parts also reduce our anonymity and are not really Instructive per se. I gave very beautiful heartbreaking examples of how we were like “two peas in a pod” and understood each other so well, and had so much in common with our personalities and values, and were such a GOOD MATCH for each other hahahahaha. but the stuff was just too personal to be on the damn internet, even with Anonymity! this was the most SACRED parts of Our Entire Relationship, and putting them on the INTERNET might be bad karma. all this other stuff might sound personal, but to me, this part was the MOST personal. the holy of holies. plus its not INSTRUCTIVE or ILLUSTRATIVE like all the other stuff is.

it is BEAUTIFUL, and part of me posting this was to show Beauty, but this section, more than any other, feels like posting it would be violating some sort of sanctity, that the karma cost would outweigh the benefit of demonstrating Beauty. even if everything went to hell, those moments were still very special and i think deserve to be kept private.

the other stuff in here, though, i think tells a Useful story about Ghosting, Communication, Rejection, what is creepy and what is not, Endings of relationships, etc.]

[so i give a heartbreaking story of How Special Our Friendship Was, get super sentimental here. but our friendship WAS special to me, my heart WAS broken, IS broken, i felt VERY sentimental, i was crying, and i kinda wanted to make her cry too! dont throw something THIS special away like garbage! plus i wasn’t LYING about ANY of these things! these were actual real things which DID make our connection strong and special.]

I was very grateful to find that kind of friend in you. I will never hate you. I just want you to not hate me, and please understand I’m just a person who’s hurting. [please show respect to me in ending this.] Even if we cannot be friends anymore, please let’s try to close this chapter of our lives in as friendly, gentle, and respectful of a way as possible, so that we won’t have any lingering regrets, resentment, or hard feelings in the future. [yes.]

I will always be willing to talk to you at ANY time in the future. Please keep taking great care of  your family. I always admired that about you, that you always put family first, and have always been such a strong person. I hope to be as strong as you someday. [meh. she is very strong in certain ways and that is admirable, especially her family orientedness, but i REALLY wish she had shown some of that strength in communicating with me!]

Please respond to me someday, and let me know your thoughts about any of this.

///////

821

yeah i might go back and remove this cuz i am still on the fence about publicly publishing it, might be doing her harm. well, i dont think its doing her harm, thats WHY i try to make her and me as anonymous as possible!!!!!! besides she did me harm and doesnt seem to care about it!

plus i want to give an example of Bad Ghosting, and prove to the world that i was not an abuser or a creep, and did not deserve this.

i just dont want HER to be real life linked to this ghosting. that would be bad karma. dont even try to figure out who she is. thats not my goal here. my goal is partly to stand up for the guys who were ghosted and then stupid jezebel journalists say they DESERVE to be ghosted because of their Creepy Emails.

there were parts of my email which were Creepy and Awkward and especially Supplicating and Niceguy, but there were LOT of parts that expressed a VERY Valid, Reasonable, Healthy, Rightful desire for being Treated like a human being, in the wake of a Sudden Termination of a Long Term RElationship of Sorts.

when one friend Gets Feelings, you dont GHOST them, you TALK about it, and end the friendship as cordially as you can.

but the email was way too LONG, which means i am a violent woman hater who can never be fixed, who is not worthy of Relationships, who will never have any relationship with a woman until I understand WOMEN ARE HUMAN BEINGS, so God is calling me to be a Foreveralone Celibate Religious Single and Raep Boys. COME ON.

i guess if she “unghosts” me by contacting me and Making Things Right, then I will remove this. but she’s probably already deleted the email, never read it.

shes arguably doing this only because she’s had it done to her, in a much worse way. but that doesnt make it RIGHT for HER to do it either!

i know shes not a bad person. but this is how good people do bad things.

but its frustrating. this type of behavior shows you are incapable of relationships, yet she had a much closer relationship with a guy for 5 years! that was Romantic and Consummated! and I know she didn’t GHOST HIM! in fact i think HE dumped HER!

well i think that hurt her alot and probably is a reason why she did this to me. again it doesnt make it RIGHT though, and doesnt hurt me any less.

i am moving the publish date to a solid 6 months after i sent the email. hopefully by that time i will be going through some motions of LIfe, even though 180 days is not 600 days yet ahahahaha.

WASNT MEANT TO BE / IMPAIRED JUDGMENT

917

no contact is best contact hahaha. ok no more contact. has it even been a month since i sent her The Final Email? I hope so.

ok i sent it aug 17, and so it was automatically deleted form my trash folder.

so, exactly one month today of no contact! good for me hahahaha.

of course reading mub breakup book “getting past your breakup”  learned that in some NC situations, the person DOES respond to you, and youre supposed to not respond to them. or maybe say “i want to go no contact, i am not going to respond to you any more. please do not expect a reponse from me. we need a clean break” or some shit.

it looks like SHE wants to go no contact with me!

but yeah its weird its like she was in love with me and i broke her heart the way she is acting!

i hate that thought. but it cant be true because if she were in love with me, then she would have Accepted Muh Invitation to the Dance Of Luv, and would have Melted when I confessed my feelings to her, and said yes yes yes i luv you too! rather than just going away.

when you are in a completely shitty dysfunctional relationship that needs to end, perhaps even abusive, or there is a huge power imbalance (i def had that, she had all the power, i was begging like a beggar from the queen); then the person who is being abused or at least just being shit on always finds a way to BLAME THEMSELF: “If i werent so shitty, if i didnt make this one mistake, then they would treat me better. i caused them to do this. i made them beat me because i was stupid and did something wrong and deserve this punishment. its my fault. i caused this.”

i definitely fall in to this trap! i think I am the root cause, that i started this, by being Pushy and Weird, therefore i deserved and caused her to react the way she did.

well in a true healthy relationship, she would want to communicate and talk, she would be willing to do that, rather than just Packing Her Bags and Checking Out.

Relationships involve some responsibility and even sacrifice, in the sense that you have to think of your partners feelings sometimes. its not all about you hahahaha. you have to care about them and not want to see them hurting. you have to be there for them. you want to help and support them. if they are begging for support from you that you are not giving…..not a good sign.

so very  simply, she was not interested in being in a rel!

i had already committed. i guess i committed back in october. but she never committed. she didnt HAVE to of course. thats a decision only she can make. it was just hard for me accepting that decision, plus i always wanted to hope for the best.

so yeah she never agreed to any committment or responsibility or sacrifice, so i cant really be mad at her right.

well i still say that our friendship obligated her to certain responsibilities, like talking to me when the friendship was in trouble.

anyway i was trying to say that in some no contact cases, the person who broke your heart contacts YOU or does respond to you. and that can result in various stuff: them wanting to be friends, or you arguing and things getting REALLY ugly.

well if she contacted me i would luv it, especially if she said “i was so wrong i really want to have a rel now” then i would say yes yes yes yes!

yeah it would have been WORSE if we had actually Gone Out! and done all sorts of stuff, and her showing me Love even more intense that the Niceness she had shown me in the past; and i would have even more Good Stuff connecting me to her…..and then if she were to sweep all that away and fall out of luv, yeah that would have been even worse.

so yeah it could have been way worse!

in my case, it NEVER REALLY BEGAN!

but it still hurts anyway becuase i DID know the person and were were (used to be) really friends. not just someone you pseudo date and fook for a few short months.

i was closer to her in our nondating friendship, for much longer, than i was to girls i pseudodated.

and pseudodating is the only kind of dating i know hahahaha! i would have liked to Actual Date muh female friend, but IT WASNT MEANT TO BE hahahahaa

i dont think she was released from her responsibilities-as-a-friend the moment i got more-than-friend feelings, ie, i no longer had the right to communicate with her, and she no longer has the responsibility to communicate with me. it was relevant to both of us to talk about How Our Relationship was changing. sure it was my “Fault” for getting feelings, but i dont apologize for that.

the book says people can jump into a new rel without resolving the lingering grief or pain from previous rels or losses or whatever. hahahaha this is not possible for low status men who are lucky to ever have a brief pseudodating rel with a woman hahahaha and then many years of single loneliness in between.

of course if you have a rewarding career its easier to be single and confident and secure….but the majority of people dont have rewarding careers.

i guess a Rich Social Life could also be good and confidence building. my social life is OK, but its certainly not at its strongest. when i was younger, i had more people i was closer to, whereas now, i seem to have more Walls Up and not willing to make a deeper connection.

i like to build up these Monstrous Fictions of peoples lives, just when people watching, and ASSUME THE WORST about them, when i have NO IDEA.

therefore i think everybody is a degenerate soulless nihilist cheater chav pleb idiot moron evil stupid filthy animal……..even though i have NO evidence.

example i caught myself in yesterday: i was sitting in the car finishing a Voice Recording before going into trivia and i saw two people from a Rival team pull up and go in, and i began concocting the Horror Story and telling it right then and there:

oh he’s a dorky beta male, but probably gainfully employed, no major emotional probs, not fat, he just looks kinda nerdy with his beard and glasses, but he is prob the perfect beta male, and theres his gurlfran with him, who seems like a nice person, but she is NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL, how can he be attracted to her??? because shes a nice person, and the only hope for a beta male, who is 1000000 times more successful and well adjusted and normal than me btw, for a longterm rel, is with an Unattractive Woman! I mean he is better looking than HER for gods sakes, those types of things bother me.

well maybe its not a monogamous rel, maybe they have agreed on an open rel where he can get action on the side, as well as her.

or maybe they have the worst kind of open rel, where he IS attracted desperately to an unattractive woman, but she’s not really attracted to HIM, and SHE wanted to have the open rel so SHE could get some Strange Dick on the Side, and he desperately agreed because it was the only way he could be with her in ANY way! and she is enjoying 10 strang dicks a day and he’s lucky if he’s had even 1 Outside Fling out of this Open Rel.

see? automatically assuming the worst, and often with huge anti-woman themes, or the woman is the villain, women more evil and degenerate than men, etc.

so i caught myself right there while i was recording it and said well maybe not. maybe they are just a happy, normal, boring couple, the end.

but yeah i always make up these ridiculous worst case scenario stories in my mind.

DONT DO THAT!

ask yourself, do i have ANY EVIDENCE for this ridiculous story im concocting?

probably not.

ok time to try out the new 3.6 miler hahahaha.

ok did that. not bad. beautiful day.

she not unfair because she didnt luv me, she was unfair in the way that she just threw me and our whole past away without….not “closure” per se, but rather not treating our relationship with the respect and dignity it deserved, in my opinion. we had a good friendship and it would have been hard to lose that even in a peaceful way. its like when a good person dies, you pay your respects at their funeral and grieve for them. you dont just throw them in a ditch and forget abotu them. something of value was lost.

for me more was lost than the friendship, but SHE still lost the friendship TOO and should have been more affected by that.  SHOULD hahahahaha see people like us get into the SHOULDS hahahaha. no nobody should do anything, you cant expect shit out of even your friends, dont trust anybody ever. sounds kinda NIHILISTIC hahahaha.

man linkedin is the worst shit ever.

i also am jealous of the woman being more successful at our shitty job than me. it was a weird job. it wasnt shitty shitty. it was the best job many people there had ever had. many 40+ people who were just recently completing Bachelors Degrees in INformation Technology from Devry or Southern New Hampshire College, rather than the Successful Middle Class Thing, wchih is complete a Computer Science Degree from at least a Second Tier Skool by age 22 and immediately start getting good experience.

(note well: i think the quality of education provided by some “crap online” college is just as good as that of a Normal Second Tier Brick and Mortar U. its just that the online skools are an even bigger scam because they cost more, and because employers unfairly discriminate against these people and filter out god damn candidates who have these skools in their education. and then you see people weeping with tears of joy for gettng their college degree in these commercials. absolutely disgusting.)

so many people would just not walk out of the job like i did, because it is the Best Job they’ve ever had!

it paid well but i was that desperate to get away from the female. plus i was resentful in that she was not willing to give me any more moral support on the job. she started out doing well at this, but the well ran dry. i resented her for saying bullshit like “just take it as it comes” and “dont let it bother you” when i wanted her to give me concrete technical tips to deal with the confusing shit.

then i got passive aggressive and would intentionally ask her ridiculous technical questions and she would say i dunno lol and i would say but its your job lol i just got one of these questions lol and basically wanted to point out that i was smarter than her and knew the job better.

this was after things started officially going downhill. because i really resented her refusing to hang out or talk to me.

out of the 10 months i was in luv with her, the first 3 or 4 months were “good”, and the rest was bad. first it was fresh and fun and exciting, the butterflies, warm fuzzies etc, then it got Crazy Making, because it wasnt going anywhere and i couldnt talk to her. thats when i started doing that passive aggressive shit. yeah it was wrong but still i dont think i deserved muh treatment.

so she got her moral support from other people and i was jealous; she greatly reduced the moral support she gave me and i was jealous; i got good moral support from other people, smart men who were full of smart technical insights, but i still resented her withdrawing.

sure i was leaning on her too much. i was treating her like muh lover when she had never agreed to anything of the sort. so yeah i did bring this all on myself hahaha i am the root cause, i made her do this hahahaha.

lesson learned is same as it ever was: just tell them about your feelings as soon as possible, within 3 or 4 months at the latest. period. otherwise it will just get ridiculously ugly. especially if you work together. in close proximity. in a very stressful, confusing, stupid job.

that pushes weak insecure people like me to their breaking point and then they quit!!!

so yeah i was wrong for being passive aggressive to her. im not even sure if she realized it though. by that time she was very obtuse and hard to read.

plus our job was to know technical shit. i asked ridiculous technical questions to my male moral supporters and they didnt mind.

i mean i didnt like being so weak and insecure that i NEEDED so much moral support. but it WAS a tough job and a CENTRAL PART of it was people getting CONFUSED and I DUNNO ALL THE TIME, that you NEEDED a chat room of Knowledgeable Smart Experienced People to Give Advice ALL DAY. Level 2’s advising the level 1’s because the level 1’s dont know the answer. this was normal.

well if it was up to me, the level 2s would be walking around helping you in person rather than the STUPID chat room.

and it would be easier to transfer a call to a level 2 rather than bang your head against the wall trying to figure something out that you didnt know while the caller was waiting for you to fix it as quickly as possible. and they dont understand this is normal, for people to not really know what they’re doing all day. but it is. it is really hard to adapt to. i dont know how i adapted to it. probably the moral support of muh female friend. then i started liking her, then the moral support stopped. damn.

oh well. its over and i have 1 full month of no contact now. but she is making shit tons of money now and i am making jack shit and will probably never get another job that pays that well again. never mind that job was not enough to own a home or have a family or live the upper working class american dream! and the health insurance SUCKED, and it was better NOT to get it, and only kicked in after ONE YEAR, which at least 60% of hires don’t make it to. that is the kind of place it was.

another 3.6 miler. not bad hahaha. ideally i will do one more.  got to get the 10 miles today.

now here comes the Misanthropic Contempt again, the Spite Towards Humanity, which i had before i was in luv, and which the luv sort of takes the edge off. well i think that our Platonic Rel kinda took the edge off of that too, since now i knew an Actual Woman who wasnt Degenerate Nihilistic Disgusting Promiscuous Stupid Scum like Crabs In A Bucket. or Maggots or Roaches Or Rats in a Bucket. disgusting vermin writhing and crawling all over each other hahahaha.

this is why its good to have female friends, so that women are more Human to you. yeah. so i would think welp its nice to know ALL women arent like that, like my female friend is a decent nice human being. wonder why i am not in luv with her. hmm. hahahahaha. then she ended with her longterm boifran and immed started dating a new guy and then i was in luv with her hahahaha.

now im like oops i was the bad guy and i caused this and i made her and i deserve this, because i was passive aggressive.

yeah not my finest hour.

if you start being passive aggressive then its time to blurt it out, thats a sign that things have gone bad. and they had. this was well after month 3.

uhh what if you do if youve already been rejected and you are being passive aggressive to the gurl.

uhhh i havent done that for 10 years, when i was in college hahaha and actually had cute gurls in the social circle, and they might reject me, or give me no signals, and i would “punish” them by being passive aggressive, getting drunk and being bitchy, becuase i didnt like being attracted to people who werent attracted to me hahahaha.

well they say to REJECT THE REJECTOR and i like that a lot!

meaning, dont seek approval from someone who doesnt approve of you, if they are gonna reject you, then you go ahead and reject them! you dont want someone who doesnt want you!

and then try to go no contact hahahaha.

i am thinking of a “mini crush” i had in 2005. i wasnt in luv with the gurl but i wouldnt mind some casual secs with her cuz she was qt. but i didnt have the charisma or Fun To Be Around to make college gurls want to have casual sex, and i got jealous when she showed interest in other men but not me. i had already been rejected by like 3 gurls that year hahahaha. so i know i got drunk and was bitchy to her, in the bitchy way that a beta male is to a woman who rejects him.

well, rejection is never fun for anyone and it is ok to be angry about it. but the problem is getting bitchily angry at them.

its probably ok to have a mature conversation with them and be like im sorry but i am kinda angry at you because when you say this i feel this and i know thats not what you mean, but lets talk about this and hug it out bitch hahahahahaha but honestly i did nt have great communication with this gurl either.

well i never hung out with her one on one and never got to know her and never spent a lot of time with her. i had less than 1% the connection i had with woman2015. so really i never communicated well on any level with this one gurl, we had no connection or no communication at all.

so big difference with woman2015, i did commuincate with her very well at the start. we talked a lot, and talked very easily, and became actual friends. none of that happened with that above college gurl.

just using an example hahahaha. from my life of failure with wimmin hahahaha.

MASTER OF FAILURE hahahaha (credit millennial woes). no success whatsoever. well, i have pseudodated gurls short term, and also had long term female friends hahahaha.  so therefore i am not a total woman hater. i am desperate to not be a woman hater. i have had SEVERAL female friends where i was friends with them for like 2 years, maybe more. like i had female friends when i was in college and i never fell in luv with them!

anyway real misogynists like elliot rodger never have any female friends ever. you cant be friends with a woman on a human level if you hate all women!

also i get along well with older menopausal women hahahaha.

however, all the women i became actual friends with, were NEVER UGLY. i wonder if this means something. i might not have been attracted to them at the time, like back in the day i was actively pursuing other women when i made my female friends; but they were never ugly. i do wonder about that. why didnt i even make friends with an ugly, completely unattractive woman?

well thats kinda ridiuclous to say. i mean its hard enough to make friends to begin with, LET ALONE women friends. so now i should turn down a female friend becuase she’s not UGLY enough? hell to the no!

i dont think you should be too rational or too emotional. i do think some emotion and irrationality is a good thing, as bad as it sounds. but 70 30, or 60 40 at the most hahaha.

with rational being the bigger number of course!

so degenerate, soulless, evil, nihilistic modern women simply have no respect for human life. at all. life is garbage to them. the way they treat human beings. replace them, dispose of them, murder their own children, play with loaded guns, let strangers try to reproduce with them casually, kill those offspring casually, revolving door of those strangers, they are like sociopathic rats.

well lets challenge this poisonous hateful misogynistic narrative. i dont really BELIEVE that, do I?

of course not! but it kinda feels like this sometimes.

moral of the story, have TWO female friends in case you fall in luv with one of them. then that can fail and go to hell, but you will still have another female friend to convince you that not all women are soulless evil, and that you are not a hatefull, violent, abusive woman hater! because otherwise you wouldnt have a female friend!

because women haters cant have female friends, ugh. because. /sarcasm.

hehehe. this is the type of collegefag middle class marxist response where you give them a huge slap on the face with yo dick. becuase they are just trying to troll you and nothing you can do or say will keep you from being a woman hater, even if you volunteer 80 hours a week at an abused womens shelter. then you would be treating women as “charity volunteer porn fetish objects and dehumanizing them” or something.

but yeah its a lot easier to fool yourself into thinking youre a horrible woman hater IF you have no female friends. otherwise you could jsut ask your female friend am i a woman hater, and she would say of course not, dont be ridiculous.

thats the other thing about being a depressed anxious depressed master of failure. is that you question your own judgement. you just dont know if you are right. you are not confident you are right. because youve been wrong SO MANY TIMES before. even if you are pretty smart. youve still been so wrong about so many things. important things. life decisions. jobs, skool, relationships. you being pretty smart has not kept you for being horribly wrong on so many things.

so you doubt your own judgment. you feel your judgement is somehow IMPAIRED. like with drugs or alcohol.

well my judgment was right about other things. like i dont think it was a bad decision to fall in luv with female friend. it wasnt really a decision anyway, plus it also pretty much made sense: i had known her for a long time, she had a lot of good qualities, not a lot of bad qualities.

also i managed to do pretty good at my stupid job, where you have to think and bullshit on your toes, live by your wits, and only the strong survive, and i did, so therefore i was strong.

oh yeah got the 10 miles in. 10.8 actually hahahaha. still fat. need to bump it up.

cant get a 10DAH job, cant get a woman under 30 who hasnt take 30000 cox and had 30000 abortionz, soulless evil nihilist sociopaths hahaha, but i can walkjog 10-12, 12-14, 14-16 miles a day and move from fat to skinny.

i am not so autistic and weird that i dont have friends thank god. however i am not super duper close to them, i kinda want CLOSENESS, and i used female friend for that, and had a fantasy world where we were really close,  i wanted to be CLOSE to her. she decidedly did NOT want that. that sucked hahaha. but the fantasy of closeness was convincing and made me feel like i WAS close to her, when i wasnt. now i dont feel close to anyone! well my new male friend from my job i quit, i had/have a mancrush on him, feel a connection and a closeness that is kinda like what im looking for, and he is fun and we get along and he makes me feel normal and not a psycho weirdo hahaha.

my other friend has so many problems and kinda disappoints me so i dont WANT to be too close to him!

i have other friends that i do trivia with but….. i dunno. i dont feel motivated to hang out with them outside of trivia! i like them just fine, and trivia is fun, but….i dunno. me and my damn connection and spark and all that shite. i dont really want to get any closer there!

basically the only person i wanted to even GET close to was her. and i was harshly rejected there of course. with extreme prejudice! didnt expect that out of a person i had know for 2.5 years, didnt seem part of her character. incongruous. dissonant hahaha. have i said this hahaha.

in the military i would be a DESERTER.

although i would not have deserted her, or any other woman i LOVED hahaha.

skills gap. weird. all these unemployed people are unemployable because they just dont have the SKILLS needed for minimum wage jobs.

are the stupid college not giving the skills? or are they? where do you get the god damn skills employers want? if its not college, then why go to college? so many people going to college and getting their degrees in their 30s 40s and 50s and they STILL get the shittiest jobs. on the phone all day being confused for 12DAH and no health care hahahaha.

kids going into college dont know how to read or write. kids graduating college dont have the skills to get an entry level job. wtf. this is what will lead to a revolution among the young. some awesome neoreactionaries. i can get into this movement. but its already a young mans thing, and they woudl be able to steal any cute young gurls from me hahaha i wish i was young again! thats what i really want. but it is not possible. cannot be done.

but yeah it sucks to be Cognitively Compromised just because you are Emotionally COmpromised. because being able to THINK STRAIGHT QUICKLY is essential to survival and employment. and mating. cuz you gotta be FUN TO BE AROUND for women to like you hahaha.

i have always been SEEKING WOMENS APPROVAL.

well isnt that kind of good and normal?

i see it as part of being a Social Animal and you need different kinds of Social Ties: Family, Friends, and then Special Luv Relationships.

heh. i mean i think its ideal to have more women in your life than only your mother hahahaha. even if you get along with your mother.

then its good to have female friends.

then its good to have female Special Friends.

so i am not Misguided as to what i think is degenerate: casual sex, cheating, throwing people away, hedonism, abortionz, partying, but i might be overestimating where/who i see that, that is, thinking someone is a degenerate when i dont really have any evidence of degen behavior.

WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE, ask yourself.

i mean sometimes there is evidence of course, like when you know this gurl has fooked all these guys. you know which damn guys by name. she has fooked antonio and biff and charlie and dougie and leroy and rodney and tyrone and jamal and mohammed and iqbal and jorge and horxo and javier and  etc hahahaha.

yes i am ashamed of many things abotu myself but i am not ashamed to be a racist ahahaha.

anyway, always ask for the evidence when you make a story about somebody being a degenerate.

more for your OWN benefit than for THEIR benefit. because it eats away at you to be so hateful and misanthropic. but sometimes its hard NOT to be!!!!  this is probably part of the Cognitive Distortions of derpression i suppose.

but yeah employers want critical thinking and all that bullshit that useless degrees like the humanities claim to teach you “CRITICAL THINKING” but they dont, because you cant even get a 12DAH job that wants you to use CRITICAL THINKING.

so yeah i think critical thinking is a good thing in the sense that it is actually intelligent logical complicated abstract complex smart thinking, and not marxist relativist degenerate nihilist nothing is right nothing is wrong there are no values, there is no meaning. etc.

and dont confuse critical thinking with critical THEORY, in which there is NO actual critical thinking. critical THEORY is marxist graduate skool bullshit, total nihilism, that wants to deconstruct everything because its racist and oppressive and its ok to be a soulless nihilist sociopath killing your babies and throwing away your family and friends like rats squirming as they get drowned in a bucket.

 

PAYOFF MATRIX

916

hehehe it comes in waves. this is all so stupid. well it does make sense, i am very devastated because the Luv Was Real. because I Knew Her, THEN the Luv came on. with the other broads, i was truly in luv with a fantasy. you start off with immediate infatuation, always bargaining with them for time, hangouts, and the secs which is the only currency they understand, trying to be a macho man, then 3 months later or less they dump you and it hurts a lot, but really you NEVER KNEW THEM. they were in and out of your life in 3 months. you wanted to know them but you never really knew them. this is how modern women have sexual relationshits hahahaha.

well with her i thought i really KNEW her, from two years of issue free friendship. when i first met her i was getting over another woman, i couldnt even have feelings for anybody else for a while, i was in a hateful, loveless, nihilistic phase much like now, except then i had some kind of easy low paying job and a nice new female fren hahahaha.

so there were no stupid secs games, just two people slowly getting to know each other over a period of much longer than 3 months, no begging or bargaining, just a mutual win win situation.

only after i really knew her did some super strong feelings come in like a flood.

so yeah that mean the luv was more real, and based on a real foundation.

and was even harder to lose!

and not in a good way either. a beautiful thing ended int he worst possible way.

and im sure it WAS a positive thing for her until late last year, when she started checking out.

well ill never know what she was thinking. maybe she wasnt checking out. she was probably confused like i was!

but yeah it was natural for me to fight to keep the rel, there was nothing else i COULD do! it wasnt really a challenge, i wasnt gonna NOT fight for it! i didnt really HAVE a choice.

also, what did i WANT. what was my INCENTIVE. what was my potential PAYOFF. a luving rel with muh perfect woman. pretty big payoff. of COURSE i did what i had to do.

now she had a choice. she could either have an awkward tuff talk with me, or just walk away and quit.

CUI BONO?

WHO? WHOM?

hahahaha.

ANYWAY the only possibly PAYOFF for HER fro talking to me was to get good karma, and Let Me Down Easy, do a Favor for a Former Friend. BUT the cons were it was an extremely awkward talk where i would probably beg her and act weird. so the pros did not outweigh the cons for her. the payoff was not worth it for her. for me, the payoff was immensely worth it. my payoff was a True Luving Relship. for her there was no such payoff because she did not like me.

the payoff for Doing and Saying Nothing was, she got to get out of the Relship like she wanted, and she got to avoid a painful conversation. win win for her. lose lose for me. zero sum game hahahahaha.

“but luv is not a zero sum game”

well when it is one sided luv, it sure as fook is!!!!!!! like this case.

path of least resistance. avoiding uncomfortable conversations WHERE there is no big payoff to you.

i was begging to have the uncomfortable conversation because the payoff to me was HUGE.

she was desperate to NOT have the uncomft convo because there was no real convincing payoff for her. so i might hate her less, so it would be better karma. OR she could just be DONE with the whole overwhleming overbearing intolerable situation RIGHT NOW. so its not surprising why or how she went that route.

payoffs. do what you want to do. the payoffs influence/are your wants. and if you really want it, you will do it. because of the payoff.  the pros outweigh the cons hahaha. very simple.

if anything its a negative sum game. i had a net negative experience. i wish id never met her. the costs outweighed the benefits of the entire relationship. we had some very good times, but it wasnt’ worth the pain that followed.

i would assume her experience was less negative because she had less invested. but she probably just forgot abotu the good times, or realizes its the past, the past is gone, look forward to a fun future of cocks and badbois and excitement and unexpected pregnancies.

so, forget the good times, and get the annoyance (UGH.) of a loser weirdo in luv with you.

for me, the past was very very good, but the heartbreak was very very very very very painful. add them up and what do you get. very very very painful and bad. the end.

net loss. my life would have been better if i had never met her. period. the end.

now when a real relationship  (well, we kinda did have some kind of real relationship tho, a two year friendship) ends WELL, both parties can agree, that ran its course, it was a GOOD RUN, but we can both agree there is no future here, so have a good life, good bye.

when both people want out, not when one person desperately wants IN , the other person desperately wants OUT.

so yeah everything really does make sense. people do what they really want, given the payoffs they are aiming for, measuring the costs and benefits. there was a huge potential benefit to me to pursue her, to go all in for in; there was really no potential benefit to her to even TALK to me, except KARMA, and even that was not a convincing or valuable enough payoff.

the good karma was not worth the trouble of an extremely awkward conversation, and probably me being pushy and bargaining and begging and pleading during that conversation, and pushing for MORE conversations, being unable to let go, etc.

so i got the book “getting past your breakup” by susan elliott i think is the name, opened it up to a random page and read,

“reaching out to the ex to request closure is just an EXCUSE FOR MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH THEM”.

and Real Closure Comes from Within, not from the other person. when a loved one DIES, you CANT get closure from THEM!!!!!!

so i liked that. requesting closure is an excuse to maintain contact with them. and thats exactly what i had done.

so that is good to know. look forward to reading this book moar.

of course every 25 year old woman is a Relationship Expert just because they have been with lots of guys, and they know that Closure is a Myth. but she didnt want to tell me that because i have to learn that lesson myself. fook that. i am 10 times better at relationships that her even though her longest rel is literally 20 times longer than mine.

it would have been interesting to study her relships though. thats why you ask them abotu it directly.

like so and so is dull and shows you know affection any more and you wish he loved you. well did he ever? what was he like in the first 6 months? did he take you on dates then and cuddle with you, or did he just sit around and grumble and drink and be very grumpy and inattentive to your needs? if so, why didnt you just bail like you did with me? well because she was in luv with him and not me, prob because he was moar masculine and manly.

so fookin stupid. worst pain in the world. like getting stabbed over and over in the heart all day every day for months and months and months. time for another 3.1 miler hahaha while i try to stop analyzing the stupid End Of The Relationship and Life Without Her, one of the most positive things in muh life, it was kind of a fantasy but kind of not, because i actually did know her! which made the luv more real, and the heartbreak more painful, and the way she did it more ridiculous.

also avoiding job search hahahaha. fook mah life hahahaha.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201506/when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you

http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/

this is the book website ^^ i trust JD’s moar than PHD’s, because lawyers are better communicators and bullshitters than professors hahahaha. i believe the bullshitters. nobody bullshits like a lawyer. this is why lawyers are not kissless virgins and can date gurls for longer than 3 months without getting dumped.

well she is a woman lawyer and this book and everything on it is clearly geared to women, but thats how damn emotional i get about these rels.

its also kinda REASSURING to see that WOMEN actually have love and heartbreak, not just me. i thought women were cold, calculating, nihilistic, soulless, cold, socipathic monsters incapable of love or heartbreak.

http://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/survivingbreakup.html

well my next thing is gonna be to adapt my stupid Interview File to this site, which is basically 10000 words of bullshit to say during your interview to convince them you are The Best Candidate for the 9DAH part time no benefits stressful customer facing job.

chastity monogamy and slut shaming by “the truth will live”

a cute young gurl who is also a “neo reactionary” right wing, which is the word for all the stuff ive been into for years. here she talks about how chastity and monogamy are good things. i should just watch this gurl if i want to fall out of luv with the other woman!!!

but be careful. “Neo Reaction” is primarily male dominated and im sure many of them are lonely because they cant find a decent nondegenerate woman, and this young woman will get MORE ATTENTION and Supplication than is healthy for any person to have. kinda like the Fake Nerd Girl that hangs out at nerd shit like comic cons and D&D and gaming now, because Gaming is Cool now, and young women have caught on that the top 10% of men here will be successful, money-making engineers, so women like Nerd Culture much more in the 10s than they did EVER before. those of us in our Early Thirties distinctly remember a time when nerddom and gaming was a 1000000% sausage fest and did not have one or two QT Gurls hanging around and doing SJW bullshit like sarkeesian and gamer gate and “COSPLAY IS NOT CONSENT.” good GOD. they just want ATTENTION and to be a CELEBRITY and to snag the top 1% of men in these cultures. same as it ever was hahahaha. so 99% of the men are huge neckbeard pee bottle mlady virgins, but the top 1% will be Successful Engineers making 40DAH and be a GREAT meal ticket for these women hahahaha. Security. So yeah i am ALWAYS suspicious to see QT Young Women entering a culture or movement.

(like i hope muh buddy robert stark does not get obsessed and fall in luv with this gurl! robert stark is great and awesome and he has already done TWO interviews with her? even though she has like 7 videos? dont do it rob! make her EARN it! I would be happy though if she did a longterm monog rel with robert, possibly marriage. and WHENEVER i say “marriage” or “wife” in this whole blog, realize i am not talking about Legal State marriage, which is Rigged to Screw Men. If you want to legally marry a woman, you have to trust her SO MUCH that she will not take advantage of this.)

also she kinda looks like woman3, one of the women i actually dated for 2 months. i do not know why i like obviously fake hair like that, where they dye brown hair blond. not blond highlights in dark hair, which i think looks horrible. but i still like brown hair fully dyed blond. wtf. that is like me admitting i like to be decieved and possibly cuckolded. that i like a fake and a phony and a liar and a cheater and a cucker.

so what SHOULD a woman do? uhhh be a nice person and stay at home with their family and not get into masculine stuff like internet subcultures and politics and such. young qt gurls can really turn men against each other in a very unproductive way, which would be horrible for the Neoreactionary Movement. but i think its been gaining momentum and size and would survive any Internecine Gurl Drama. i dont think i used that word right hahahahaha.

i mean nothing NEW here, we all know why chastity and monogamy are good…… but its so nice to see a pretty young woman SAY it and appear to believe in it.  shes not super articulate or a good comunicator but what woman is, hahahahaha, she is better than 90% of women hahahaha.

however less articulate women can still slut-SHAME, however, and this is a very good quality you should look for in your women.  they just don’t like sluts. good. that means they might not be a slut themselves. OR they dont like sluts because they themselves are ashamed of BEING sluts. watch out for that. well if they ARE sluts they SHOULD be ashamed…… but better to find a woman whos not a slut in the first place.

the susan elliott book has a good part about rumination. you might be sick of ruminating and obsessing, but try to see it as part of The Healing Process. like you NEED to Ruminate as part of Getting Over It. It’s better to Ruminate and Face It Head On, than ignore it and push it under the rug, like how your Ex dealt with you hahahahaha.

its like dont hide from the grief and pain, just stand in the middle of it like getting blasted by a firehose. and that’s kind of what the months of obsessive rumination are part of that same Getting Hosed With Pain constantly.

but its actually a GOOD thing and means you’re FACING it and slowly getting over it!

standing in the middle of the torrent, just getting blasted! the rumination is part of the blasting and should go away within 1 year of No Contact.

looks like muh book encourages no contact too, good. i agree no contact is a good way to be.

cuz all contact is really just you WANTING THEM BACK.

ok so you DO still want them back and you should not deny your feelings.

so ADMIT that, but DONT contact that, becuase that will bring just a NEW torrent of pain which you DEF do not need.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/people-personality-type-most-likely-140119084.html

ISFP personalities are most likely to be unemployed, they cant handle jobs hahahaha

i thought i was an INFP but i am definitely close to this.

http://www.starktruthradio.com/

i found the yahoo article about Percievers being more likely to be unemployed because they are less conscientious. hahahaha i am very conscientious. anyway that was linked to from robert starks new website, in the post where he interviewed “the truth will live”.

good to see robert back, he used to be a top listen for me, but he never really had a great website of his own until now.

anyway i dont care about finding a nice right wing qt because any woman that gets that much into Political Thought is gonna be very hard to handle. better to have a nice sweet kind traditional woman who is right wing in her actions but does not waste a lot of time writing, thinking, youtubing, talking abotu it hahahaha. leave that to the men.  and the traditional conservative women can good wives to these men, and good mothers to their children.

i dunno maybe not. maybe i am generalizing.

but i guarantee if you had a neoreaction meetup with 20 Sexually Frustrated Guys, and 1 Cute Young gurl with similar political ideas, it WOULD get ugly and the guys would compete against each other and perhaps solid Male Friendships would get Ruined.

in essence there IS a kind of “owning.” you volunteer to be “owned” by your partner and she volunteers to be owned by you, in the sense that you elevate each other above the rabble, that they are SPECIAL to you, and that you don’t WANT to be with anybody else, sexually or emotionally, and you recognize there is a huge link between those two.

rather than “nobody owns anybody” and “everybody belongs to everybody” “mercenary” approach.

this is NIHILISTIC.

it promotes a view that human relationships and connectedness are interchangeable, disposeable, replaceable, and ultimately MEANINGLESS.

NIHILISTIC.

THEY BELIEVE IN NOTHING. (Lebowski hahahaha)

if they cant believe that sex and Love and Relationships mean anything……. for all Intensive Purposes (hehehe), they actually believe in Literally Nothing.

how can these people even get out of BED?

am i Catastrophizing Other People in general? maybe. people arent really THAT bad, i am just devastated because my Favorite Person became my Least Favorite Person and now i am in a world of pain.

but yeah i feel SHE was definitely being a bit NIHILISTIC about our Rel. by just throwing it away. you just dont do that when you KNOW a person for 2-3 years. even if youre having a rough patch. even if you dont love them back. you still treat them with a SHRED of respect and decency. i wasnt some random sex partner you have anonymous, soul-killing sex with after one night then throw away for being weird.

MY weirdness was not soul killing, and also it was kinda justifiable. this was kinda a big deal.

but ya know what? i am glad i confessed my feels, as bad as it turned out, rather than kept them bottled up, not said anything, pretended they werent there, wetn on with the CHARADE that there was no elephant in the room. i simply could not hide the truth any longer.

i think she HAD AN IDEA anyway, cuz of my signals. signals was the only route of communication she gave me, so i gave awkward ham fisted signals, like texting too much, writing emails about communication, calling her my favorite person, saying im afriad of losing you, mushy christmas cards of i appreciate you more and more and want to get closer to you, you are very important and speical to me, of COURSE she HAD AN IDEA. look at those signals i just listed. damn. of course she KNEW. thats WHY she was pulling away bit by bit until she was gone.

i certainly deserved better treatment! because i was not abusive to her. i had good reason to be pushy. and PUSHY IS NOT ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!

i was pushing to essentially save the relationship.

i was like the family members doing an intervention on her, and instead of accepting the gift, she ran out the door and never looked back and then died of drugs and broke her familys heart hahaaha.

how can you have a “debate” with 11 candidates on stage where they each get 1 minute to respond.

they should do more of a “brackets” thing or eliminations. i hope all the candidates went on charlie rose. most probably have, but of course nobody watches charlie rose. i am talking about substantive discussions with none of the interrupting and shouting on top of each other like happens on ALL the news networks.  all the chavs and plebs out there drinking beer and fornicating and voting hahahaha. muh unions hahahaha.

not sure if we have “CHAVS” in the US hahahaha. i basically mean plebs.

ok i am not losing weight OR really getting over this bitch hahahaha. no she’s not a bitch, she just did a very btichy thing TO ME and was a BITCH to ME. she will make a wonderful lovely wife to another lucky man and be a wonderful mother to their children and live happily ever after while i K muh self at age 45 hahahaha. one of THOSE guys.

this is not a true debate faggot. gtfo tv journalist scum.

but yeah call a woman a “BITCH” and suddenly youre the bad guy. i am expressing anger at the injustice and unfairness that was done to me by her. youre SUPPOSED to be angry at the person. i am not going to HURT her for gods sakes. she hurt me a lot more! i think i have earned the right to call her a BITCH!

THAT BITCH! hahahahaha

GET ANGRY, YOU SON OF A BITCHES!

bumping up the 1.4 mile walk to 1.8 miles. so the 2.8 miler or 3 miler becomes a 3.6 miler. 3 of those, get 10.8 miles.

so my goal was to get 10 miles. not just 9.4 miles or whatever. i mean i will need to get up to 12 or 14 miles to lose weight, like i did back in 2007 and 8 where i was walking 12-14 miles well not every day but several times a week.

also i wanted to do an average every day, well 6 days a week. instead of 10 miles one day then 5 miles next and alternating. would rather do 7.5 miles erry day.

 

IMAGINATION RUNNING WILD

915

questions to ask a woman you are getting to know:

how many guys you had secs with? more than 5, bad news. no rel 4 u.

whats the shortest amount of time you knew a guy before having sex? hopefully no shorter than 6 months!

whats your opinion on casual sex? you better say that its WRONG and sex should only be part of a committed longetrm rel!

whats you opinion about dating multiple people? dont do it!

ever cheated on someone? i hope not!

ever kinda sorta cheated on somebody because they didnt realize you werent serious? better not!

ever been in luv? i would imagine most people have.

even had your heart broken? ditto

whats your longest rel? hopefully fairly long. OR she is a virgin and never had any short term OR long term boifrans.

why did that end? who ended it? uhhh hopefully her not being a Bailing Out B.

what was your shortest rel? who ended it?

how many times has your heart been broken?

how many hearts have you broken?

do you know if any guys have K’d themself because you broke their heart?

any crazy guys ever stalked you? what happened right before that? did you do them extremely wrong? not that anything really justifies stalking, but sometimes broads really push the guy over the edge, like cheat on him or dump him harshly or do something really rotten and bad. not that it justifies stalking but it can reallllllllly push a guy.

have they ever stalked a guy?

have you eer just thrown a guy away with no communication, while he begged for mercy, begged to just talk, and you just walked away?

are you a sociopath hahahaha

how are your communication skills?

when you have a problem in a rel, do you try to talk about it, or do you just say Fook It Im Done and Walk Away?

whats the most horrible thing youve ever done to a person? top 5 things.

what are the top 5 most horrible things a person ever did to you?

ever been raeped? not that you should blame the victim, but gurls that have been raeped often become crazy and will do horrible things to you even if they dont mean to.

did your father abandon you?

were you molested as a child or teen by an uncle or yr momz boifran or neighbor or something?

what age did you lose your virginity? (anything less than 18 is a Red Flag.)

what do you think of sluts? are you a slut? have you ever had a slutty phase? tell me about it.

tell me a brief summary of all your relationships with men.

do you learn anythign from your relationships or do you keep making the same mistakes?

is there anyone who hates you or holds a grudge against you because you did them really wrong?

do you like partying at bars and parties and clubs?

did you ever hook up with a guy from a bar club party? how many? how often?

do you “hook up” with the men in your social circle?

tell me about all the times/men you had sex with and then regretting it because they got weird.

you you have bipolar?

borderline?

do you have lots of guy friends?

do you have lots of friends?

do you prefer a quiet night at home or a wild night out?

do you hang out with your family a lot?

do you think other people are too wild and too much social drama?

do you have any tattoos?

shit. all i can think about are all the things i loved about muh female former friend, the things abotu her personality that made me fall in luv with her, the way she was different from Stupid Normal Gurls.

then there is the bad shit, like she was completely incapable of communicating with me, or how she ended a beautiful friendship in a godawful way. i mean i think she is making a big mistake and she did not have a history of making big mistakes.

heh. did second 3 miler, up to 6 miles, might try for a third here hahahaha.

of course i feel STUPID, having such STRONG FEELINGS for someone who had such WEAK FEELINGS for me.

this is why you communicate right away.

well i think our long friendship DID account for something and DID mean something to her at one time. but the second i gave hints i liked her, ie sending more texts, wanting to hang out more, she started her process of disengagement, detachment, preparing for the End. I did not. cuz of the mixed signals she was giving. i thought she was interested in Working On Things, just not right now.

fook. communication is so important. that is what i learned from this hahahaha. it wasnt important for her apparently. just me. hahahaha. well she did not like me, so no, she didnt need communication as bad.

she could have cared about me more tho. it is not inconceivable that when a man and a woman are just friends for a while, someone eventually gets feelings. usually the man hahahaha who usually gets his heart broke, or remains as a Supplicating Beta Orbiter for years while she Bangs Badbois and cries on his Beta Shoulder!

it would be physically impossibe for me to be in that position because i owuld have used one of those many Hangouts to confess my feelings after 10 months max hahaha. i dont understand why these supplicating beta orbiters just dont Blurt It Out already. oh yeah. because they are pussies.

well arent they giving signals? even shitty signals?  and the woman knows right away, she just AVOIDS COMMUNICATING about it? i dont even know. i wouldnt avoid communicating about it.

i just couldnt get muh frend to spend ANY time with me WHATSOEVER. that in and of itself is a Big Red Flag! a Warning Sign!

so you say forget that person, anyone who would do such a shitty thing, they dont deserve you, say fook them, they’re doing you a favor by taking them and their shitty self out of your life!!!!!!!

and then i say yeah but shes not the type of person who DOES this sort of thing! this is probably the first time she has ever done this, and might be the last! its INCONGRUENT hahahaha. out of character.  nothing in the past to hint at it, and prob wont be repeated again!

just feels stupid. to feel so close to her, yet she didnt feel close to me at all.

and i thought she would talk to me if she had any problems with me, rather than just walk away.

how else was i wrong about her? did she have a secret life? was she secretly a huge whore having secs with tons of guys this whole time? and its none of my business! bullshit i thought we were friends, so yes it is my business! but i THOUGHT we were friends but we weren’t! but i knew her for almost three years! its extremely hurtful to end a 3 year rel in this way! how could this happen?????

so stupid. like why couldnt i see her facebook friends? was she getting tons of attention from guys? maybe. but she wasnt that type!!!! did she block all of her friends from viewing her friends?

if she was casually fooking tons of guys, then she should have found it easier just to tell me UGH WERE DONE, to tell me something, its got to be easy to talk, you’ve got to do SOME talking before fooking these guys! like the 30 seconds of small talk in Old Pornos before they start fooking.

yeah any rejection is gonna hurt, and the person cannot really be there to Help You Thru It. by definition.

but the silent throwing away rejection is even worse because it makes you IMAGINATION RUN WILD. you start filling in the blanks with all sorts of fantastic things. and making the person seem more evil than they were. maybe.

i dunno. i thought at one point i knew her. then to have HER change. she changed a lot more than i changed. she changed into a horrifying monster i no longer knew!

being overwhelmed, freezing, shutting down, overbearing, too much to handle, still i dont know how she could do this to ME. i thought she cared more for me. it is VERY painful when someone you Luv cares for you at one time, and then they DONT care about you any more. god damn. 2 months later and the pain is still very real!

ok better get a third 3.1 miler in. its more like 3.1 than 3.0.

ok did that. it is really 3.1. so, 9.1 miles today woo hoo.

anyway yeah yeah i guess what bothers me is that the relationship meant nothing to her. im sure it did at least for the first two years. but i really wanted her to express that when she Ended it. to say something like i am really grateful for the good times we had, and the special friendship we had for two years, but i cant go on any more. something liek that. oh i mentioned this in email3 and or 4. that i just wanted her to recognize that relationship had value. well i know it had value to her because she told me a couple times long ago. not enough and not recently enoguh hahaha.

cuz it kinda feels like our entire rel was NOT REAL, or the goodness that it brought me. well, thats patently false, it only stopped being real the moment she picked up my signals of feelings, then began Packing Up and Leaving Bit By Bit. she prob started doing that around January2015? give or take 1 month.

i mean i didnt have some kind of white knight mlady fedora view of women! I was/am basically a huge woman hater! I have been full mgtow and mra for years! i was an Early Adopter back in like 2005 son! i am WELL AWARE what evil, crazy, socipathic, harmful, posionous, evil, ruinous, destructive monsters women are! it was miraculous that i could ever have positive feelings for any woman ever again, after “TAKING THE RED PILL!”

but i sure did. i got feelings for TWO women during my MRA Red Pill phase. woman2012, and woman2015.

damn.

anyway she actually probably did appreciate our friendship and it did mean something to her. but she sure is never gonna tell me that! but it would have lessened the hurt to HEAR that from her.

tell a b the best way to dump you, for when she dumps you. what would give you the best closure?

for me, i would have liked her to write me Long Emails. Because thats what I like to do. I write THEM long emails. if you start receiving long emails from me after dumping me, pretty good sign my heart is BROKEN hahahaha.

so she could write ME long emails basically saying the basics: its not you its me, im SORRY, our relationship was meaningful to me, im sorry, i dont want to hurt you, youre a good person. for 9000 pages. and heres 1000 dollars for a breakup fee you can use to pay your shrink and buy some indica hahahahaha.

hehe walkjogging 6 to 9 miles a day and still not losing more than half a pound a week. maybe i am gaining muscle mass in muh legs hahahaha. or eating too much. but i always eat a lot!

the show workaholics is pretty funny, it made me lol several times over several episodes. yes it was degenerate but it was still funny. i would like to get into the show and have the characters arc towards less degenerate, and become fully grown adults with Good Wives.