yeah buddy. did a 2.8 miler.
WANT/INTEND To get about 4 months ahead here.
there was definitely a few months where i didnt write as much, and there was important stuff happening there, with muh job getting out of control, muh “rel” with the woman totally falling apart and dying but me struggling to Save It.
well actually i was making Voice Recordings Erry Day hahaha so.
well it is not that i cannot form rels with people, i am not a total sociopath.
i can even form long term rels with WOMEN! they just dont end well hahahahaha.
well thru NO FAULT OF MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tried to end it well, i literally BEGGED her, “PLEASE LETS END THIS WELL, I KNOW WE CANT FIX IT BUT LETS AT LEAST END IT BETTER, WITH NO HARD FEELINGS”
nope. she was not able to do that. maybe she was too scared.
it was just EASIER. all it is is EASY WAY OUT. Never talking again was EASIER than talking.
also if i Put Myself in her position, of some Creepy Guy always wanting to hang out, then i can see that she Came to be so Annoyed by me, that she just would rather i disappear, that i wasnt WORTH talking to.
which IS kinda shitty because i wasnt just some random creepy guy who was Orbiting her from the start. it is like she totally FORGOT we were FRIENDS. THAT part bothers me.
its ok if i immediately came Creeping on her from the very beginning. but i didnt. not because i was HIDING IT, but just because i didnt FEEL it. I didnt WANT to. i knew she was a cute gurl but i felt BANGING her would ruin the good friendship we had, plus i didnt really want to GO OUT with her.
but then after a while I DID want to GO OUT with her, I slowly moved All In. and then i wanted to Bang her as PART of that Going Out. Meaning, a Loving Monog Rel.
might need to do another 2.8 miler again. thinking about her again.
ok did one of those. great.
yeah. it is painful when somebody likes you and then they just dont like you any more. well its your fault because you started like liking them.
basically to have something and lose it. might actually be worse than never having anything at all hahahaha contrary to the popular saying.
took nyquil yesterday at about 6 pm, crashed into a few naps from 7 to 9 or so, then went to bed, sleeping till like 930 am, i know i had some dreams but nothing with the woman, so thats good.
should i blame myself for not noticing that she had “checked out 100%”?
NO, because though it was obvious there was DISTANCE, i didnt think she had “checked out 100%”, and i fully believed that with a little work and talking, we could at least smooth over the hard feelings. i couldnt make her like me but we could end things on better terms.
and i thought this because she was still nice to me sometimes, and i knew she had some personal issues that were taking up her attention. no, if she had “checked out entirely”, she wouldnt be talking to me AT ALL. and of course that eventually ahppened, and signalled The End Of It All.
so did that mean she was checked out entirely, or not???!?!?!
i have been obsessing about this so much for so long i cant even think logically about it any more. just totally and completely burnt out on thinking abo. i mean i CANT know if i cant talk to her……. and i will obviously never talk to her again.
i mean OBVIOUSLY i SHOULDNT be thinking abotu this at ALL because im NEVER gonna reach any conclusions because i cant talk to her.
i guess if i really wanted to play DETECTIVE i could talk to her friends and family so they can tell me what she is really thinking hahahaha. but that would be super weird and creepy.
how would that benefit me? then i would REALLY look like a psycho; and they would simply tell me she doesnt want to talk to you, stop being a psycho. i would learn nothing new.
she doesnt want to talk to me; that much I DO know; and she is PROBABLY doing it because its the Easy Way Out. that i dont KNOW per se, but its Occams Razor, and the ODDS favor that explanation.
so yeah 1 to 2 months Deep In The Action, i am starting to….not get “perspective”, but perhaps get some “distance”. I am not desperately clutching the rosary at night or needing to have the rosary actually wrapped around my hand in order to get to sleep. not to say that desperately begging GOD and MARY for MERCY is a BAD thing.
i guess i am more accepting that it is OVER.
i still want her to come back of course.
and i have thought about it so much i dont know whats what any more. i am just totally confused and burnt out and now i just want to go for the easiest explanation, which, per occams razor, is most likely to be the correct one anyway:
- she clearly doesnt return muh feelings. if she liked me even a little bit, she would have DONE SOMETHING.
- she is taking the path of Worst Karma because it is EASIER. it is a fight or flight reaction to being overwhelmed. just do nothing.
the end. go the next chapter.
fook yeah its a disappointing ending! fook yeah i would have liked having a nice gf for the first time ever! and to have those physical things combined with the emotional feels! to do the things that so many guys will do to her and it will just be casual for everyone damn.
i bet our Long Term Friendship DID mean something to her, and it DID hurt her to lose it. but it was easier for her to do nothing and run away, rather than have Uncomfortable Conversations. she was too overwhlemed by that and is a classic confrontation avoided. plus she wasnt in luv with me, so she didnt want to keep me around anyway. not that i wanted to STAY around if she didnt reciprocate feels, but i DID want to have a Mature Conversation about them.
its nto even like she was too immature to have a mature conversation. she was willing to have mature conversation with her Lovers. just not with Friends who want to become Lovers. well i say thats another step in Emotional Maturity hahahaha. because A Heart is gonna still get broken.
but yeah i was Dancing Around Topics even BEFORE i fell in luv with her. the Luv started in October, but i was Dancing as early as july or so, because i was Uncomfortably Asking Her About her New Boifran, or if she had any feelings for me, and it was EASIER to not say anything at all. similar to what she did to me hahahaha.
shit i could have wrote her an email if i was too chickenshit to talk!
so thats the lesson i learned. never dance around shit like that.
i stopped getting Energy Drinks because i put a sprinkle of SALT in with my pot of Iced Tea. it also has about 3 to 4 heaping tablespoons of Sugar in there for Carbs and so I dont puke if i drink the tea on an empty stomach like i often do first thing in the morning.
SALT apparently has electrolytes that keep you hydrated hahahaha.
note that i just put like 1 teaspoon into a whole bigass pot. not so much that you can TASTE it! that would be quite gross.
but yeah i am not begging for mercy nearly as much, shit doesnt seem AS horrifying.
it is not AS horrifying when i go to bed and when i wake up. i know its over.
very importantly, i can listen to music once again. i can even listen to this one artist i had trouble with, because SHE liked him too. and we had some emotional expriences (for ME at least!) involving this artist. i thought i would not be able to listen to his music for like a year. well now i can listen to him in under 2 months hahahaha.
also before i had trouble listening to any music. when i would go out for powerwalks i just could not bring myself to listen to music OR listen to muh podcasts.
now i regularly listen to both music and podcasts on muh powerwalkjogs. so that is a big improvement.
i still obsess about her all day erryday but it is getting cloudier and fuzzier. like the b never existed hahahaha.
its sad really. it is sad. i was ready to spend muh life with her. make sacrifices. but she certainly was not willing to make any sacrifices for me!
it was classic unrequited luv but in the first degree. played out and ended as badly as humanly possible. well for me at least. and i am angry at her for not taking little steps which would have spared me a ALOT of pain. just because it was EASIER for her and she was overwhelmed. well i was overwhelmed too. and the job was overwhelming as fook. and she was always a bitch to me when i asked for help. never wanted to help me. yet i was technically smarter than her. but muh anxiety and because the job was SO CHAOTIC AND CONFUSING it would drive anyone crazy. except someone who didnt care about sounding like an idiot.
well i really cared about sounding like an idiot. and i hated bullshitting all day and essentially lying to people or just pretending and faking. she could have given me better moral support. you didnt need to be smart or competent at the job to give moral support, you just had to be willing. i was willing to give her tons of moral/emotional support but she didnt want it. didnt want to take it OR give it. didnt want ANYTHING to do with me.
why would i want anything to do with someone who didnt want anythign to do with me?
because i thought she cared a LITTLE bit, somewhere deep down.
and MAYBE she DID! it was just easier to Shut Down rather than DO anything for her.
oh well life goes on. and then you remain a loveless bachelor for the rest of your life. until you “sell out” and “lower your standards” for Single Momz.
well some single Momz still look good!
but you are an omega male and will not be able to pull one of them hahahahah. only Ugly Single Momz 4 U, or nothing at all.
well i will take nothing. maybe once i get a job i will get a hooker. i could buy a good looking hooker at least and then we would BOTH know What This Is.
YOU KNEW WHAT THIS WAS!
No I Didnt hahahaha.